4 years later...
PRESENT DAY
Tris' POV
I wake up with a jolt. It's been the third time that I've woken since my sad attempt in falling asleep very late in the night, tossing and turning in my bed, which felt rather uncomfortable at the time, saving up energy to the inevitable that is heading towards me come morning. Now it is 6:52 in the morning. I wanted to at least salvage the half hour of sleep that I can get until I start getting ready but I know it's impossible. Instead, I stare at the ceiling, thinking about what's in store for me today.
I come up with different scenarios in my head, in extreme detail and my mind just randomly takes over and twists them, making those scenarios go horribly wrong in the worst ways possible. It sends a heavy weight down the pit of my stomach that I can hardly breathe properly. I know it's irrational and doesn't accomplish anything but it's like a force of habit. Overthinking everything.
By the time my actual alarm goes off, I am filled with dread. I slowly get up and take a quick shower, trying to calm myself down under the cold stream of water. Then, I spent almost another half hour choosing my outfit. I've never been one to spend a lot of time on how I look, but this day is different. I wanted to at least not make a horrible first impression on everyone else. After trying on almost every single thing that I own and scrutinising myself in front of the mirror, I settle on a dark grey varsity-striped hooded sweatshirt dress thing that Christina and I bought when she dragged me to go shopping and black leggings. Then, I slipped on a pair of high-cut converse because you can never go wrong with that. i decided to just leave my hair down because who knows how much worse I'd look if I even begin attempting to style it.
After I'm done, I head downstairs with a heavy breath and try to at least eat something. Each minute that passes, the more my anxiety skyrockets and I realise that whatever I try to shove down my stomach will be puked out anyway.
"You ready for today?" a voice speaks and I nearly jump out of my own skin.
"Jeez, Tori," I say, putting a hand over my racing heart.
"Sorry," she chuckles. "I see that you're still worrying about it." She then sits in front of me. "It's going to be alright, Beatrice. It's just high school. I know at first it may be a bit daunting but I know that you can overcome it as you have everything else."
I roll my eyes. "As if I actually overcame anything. If I did, I wouldn't be here feeling like I'm walking to my own death sentence."
"It's okay to be scared, you know. Overcoming something doesn't mean you're fearless afterwards. It only means that you have the strength to carry on. More strength than you could ever imagine. Don't be too hard on yourself, Beatrice."
"I'm trying."
"I know you are. And that's more than enough." She says and I feel just a little bit better. At least that's something. I then hear Christina's car pulling up in front of the house and realise that it's time to go.
"You'll do great." Tori gives me a warm smile and I head outside.
I suppose if I don't die from a heart attack because of my anxiety, I will certainly die in the hands of Christina. She only got her car and license a few months ago but I have no clue as to how. The girl can barely drive straight and will hit every garbage can and other obstacles in her line of sight. My dread seemed to be reflected on my face because Christina rolls her eyes at me.
"Why the hell do you look like you're walking to your own death sentence?" she says while shaking her head at me and I almost laugh at the ridiculousness.
"Because I am." I say as I get in the front seat beside her.
"You look good," she compliments. "Is that the sweatshirt dress we bought?"
"Not as good as you. And yes, it is." I say and she catches my anxiety-filled expression once again. I try so hard to act like I'm fine around everyone else. But that is never the case whenever I'm with Christina. That girl is basically a walking lie-detector and can spot bullshit from a thousand miles away. It's a blessing and a curse, I suppose.
"It's not as bad as you think it will be, Tris. Trust me, we'll be fine."
"Easy for you to say. I've been homeschooled for almost 4 years and have no real relationships in the outside world whatsoever. I'm sure I'll survive in high school," I say, pure sarcasm dripping from my voice.
"I'll be with you all the time. I promise." she reassures me. Ever since that night I couldn't help but feel like everyone is pitying me. And I always see that same look cross on their faces whenever I show weakness, which is the reason why I keep everything to myself. Because the second I show an ounce of vulnerability, they think I would break, even Christina. The only one who does not treat me that way is Tori. And I'm grateful for it.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. just focus on the road, okay? Or else we'd die before we even get there."
That earns me a smack on the shoulder. "Uncalled for,"
The noise around me gets louder and louder that I can barely hear my own thoughts. It is the first day of school, but these people act like they haven't seen each other for years. A lot of shouting and shrieking and slapping on the back are involved and it makes my head spin. I stay rooted in my place as to not be engulfed by the body of students that are rushing back and forth down the halls and just stand beside Christina, who is in front of the small mirror hanged inside of her locker door, doing the finishing touches of her makeup.
We got our schedules from the main office a while ago and we have most of our classes together but there are some classes that I would have to find on my own. My thoughts are interrupted when the bell rings, signalling that it is time to head to our first lesson, which happens to be English Language and Literature.
"You ready?" Christina asks as she closes the locker door. I give her a shrug. "Let's go! It'll be fine. Uriah and Marlene are already there so you'll meet them soon." She says and grabs my hand, pulling me to our classroom.
Every step we take the more I feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my ass. My heart races a mile per minute, my throat parched as it closes in on itself. Keep it together, Tris. At times like these, I used to hear my mother's voice reassure me. That everything will be okay, that I am the strongest and bravest girl she knows. But over time, the loneliness I felt without her reassurance was like drowning. When things got bad, and it got worse, her voice was muffled to the point that I couldn't hear her anymore. It's like I was falling and falling down into the depths until there is no light anymore. I could not see, hear or feel anything except the bitter cold that surrounds me, and the painful, suffocating feeling that is permanently stayed inside me, but I got used to it. It became a part of me now. And some days when I've finally surfaced just for a short while, I was a fish out of water. Still suffocating in the place I thought was mine.
All the while, silence became my solace. An escape from the evil, mocking voice that had replaced my mother's gentle and loving one. A voice that sounded eerily, and very much like my own.
I have no idea how much time has passed, but when I snapped back to reality, i find myself looking at a blank whiteboard, sitting in front of a desk next to Christina, surrounded by people I don't know. A clear, authoritative voice speaks, and I see a tall, dark-skinned man standing at the front. He introduces himself as Mr. Boseman, and apparently is our History teacher.
"Welcome to another year of hell," He says and the whole class chuckles.
I used to think history teachers are the most boring people on the planet, Much boring than I could probably be, at least. And that is saying something. But he seems like a pretty chill guy.
"Since it's the first day back, we should just lay back for a while and do some fun stuff to start the year," He says, rubbing his hands together. "I'm guessing everyone here loves ice breakers, amirite? How 'bout that?" Nope, not cool. Everyone groans at this and lets out yells of disapproval but the teachers seems to find it amusing.
"Ice breakers are for pansycakes!" Someone shouts from behind me and is then followed by a loud smack. That sound resonated in my ears and my blood immediately went cold.
"Ow! Lynn, what the hell was that for?" I hear the same guy say but I can vaguely hear him. It's like my surroundings crumble away once again and is now replaced by something else. A memory. Or not. I don't know. I don't know.
Jeanine stands in front of me now, her face contorted with rage. I see the resentfulness and hate in her eyes.
"You stupid girl!," She spits "It's no wonder why no one can stand you, why they left you at our mercy," She then raises her hand and smacks me across the face. She continues to yell something, and I couldn't make it out, instead I hear someone call my name.
Tris
Tris
"Tris," Christina shakes my shoulders and I am, once again, for the second time in this day in the span of an hour, I am snapped back to reality. As I glance around almost everyone is looking at me expectantly.
"It's your turn. ice breakers. just say something about yourself." Christina whispers and I stand slowly.
"Um, I'm Tris, I'm 17 and I love to play instruments. I used to be in a band before I moved here." I say and sit down immediately. They move on to another girl next to me, but Christina stares at me with her eyebrows raised. She knows it was a bullshit story I made up out of sheer panic. I shrug my shoulders in response.
I lean forward on my desk with my chin on the palm of my hand and I know, I just know that this is going to be a long day.