its been two weeks since I moved to Magnus's and the nightmares came back as soon as Jace went home and they have been worse than ever before. I haven't slept for days on end because they had been so bad. Jace's foster dad came back on Wednesday and when Jace came to visit me I didn't like how I found out. I make him stay with me every night that he can and patch him up when he cant. the only thing keeping me from going over there and dragging him away is the fact that he turns 18 next month and he has a plan for when he leaves that he wants to pursue more than anything. we decided that he would move in with me when he left. well more like I demanded since he had nowhere else to go. Alec's birthday is next week and Jace's is the week after. why is everyone's birthday so close together? we are having a get together at Magnus's since the first floor will be done and we can drink and dance as we please. im currently helping alec put new leather on the old couches. im sewing and stapling under it while Alec is holding the couch up enough for me to fit under. im actually surprised by how relaxed he looks. the couch has a metal frame and it is a very big couch. I was actually kind of worried before I got under here that he would drop it on me. as im putting in the final staple with the gun and I crawl out from under the couch and start sewing the velcro on for the cushions. I walk over to the second one and lift it up so Alec can staple this time. the couch is kind of heavy but I don't mind Izzy will be putting the cushions on the first one in a minute so I don't bother asking before we start the next one. alec finishes up the stapling and I lower the couch. I sew on the velcro and as im finishing the last piece Jace shows up. he struts in clad in black leather and his eye is a mess of purple, blue, and yellow. "hey alec give me a minute" I tell him. I walk over to Jace and I can see the small cut near his eye. "are you ok?" I ask "yea im fine he passed out after the black eye," he says "what about you, you look like you haven't slept in days," he says "im fine," I tell him. " I got to help alec with the rest of the couches. Izzy could use a hand with the cushions if you want to help" I tell him. I go back to Alec and crawl under the couch. im in the middle of stapling when I hear a squeal a shout and then the couch is falling. I catch it above my head and hold it up but im exhausted and I can barely hold it up. the couch gets lifted away from me and then Jace is under the couch next to me. "go sleep. Alec and I can do this" he says "im fine" I tell him "no your not. when was the last time you slept?" he asks "5 days ago" I admit. "exactly, go sleep" he begs. "fine" I cave "but I am making dinner at Raf's so I need to be up in 2 hours" I tell him. "ok ill come wake you up" he says. "ok" I crawl out from under the couch and head to my room. I plop on the bed and think about anything and everything for an hour before I fall asleep.
"Hey, baby sister" he whispers. im naked and tied to the bed on each corner. I remember this. I tug at the belts holding my arms but all it does is rub my wrists so raw they start to bleed. he crawls on top of me and pulls his jeans down far enough for him to pound himself into me. I scream in pain and tears roll down my cheeks. I feel the belts cut my ankles and him biting my shoulder. I scream and cry even more and then I hear someone else calling my name and then im gone and so is he.
"Clary. its ok, I'm right here" Jace soothes. "im sorry" I tell him "don't apologize, it's not your fault" he says "it is my fault. its all my fault" I sob "don't talk like that. whatever they did was never your fault" he says. I cry into his shoulder and listen to him whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I make myself stop crying and go grab my stuff so I can go to Rafael's. "I need to go over there to start on dinner," I tell him "hey why don't I help you. you always cook for everyone by yourself" Jace says "sure you can cook the steaks since I always burn myself when I use a grill. ill do the baked potatoes the salad and the broccoli" I tell him. "ok good because I think a grill is the only thing I know how to use except a microwave" he says. I laugh and we head out to his bike followed by a giddy Magnus and a tired Izzy, Alec, and Simon. when we reach the bar everyone insists on helping me with the meal so I put Simon on steaming the broccoli and Magnus on mashing the potatoes. I put Alec on cutting the vegetables for the salad and I make Izzy help Rafael with fixing drinks for everyone because the girl cant cook for the life of her. I throw myself into helping alec with the vegetables until I have to go mix the cheese and bacon into the mashed potatoes and putting the mix into the potatoes skins and then mixing the melted cheese in with broccoli. I toss the salad and get out the dressings so everyone can pick what kind they want then I go check on the steaks with Jace. everything goes smoothly and the food is good. after we finish eating Rafael takes me upstairs. "clary, Jon was trying to find you last night out here and its starting to worry me. I want you to take this with you everywhere you go so that he cant hurt you" he says handing me a rugar lc9s. "Rafael, I already have one in the seat of my bike," I tell him "this one will fit in your purse and it isn't unmarked so you won't get in that much trouble with it," he says "fine," I tell him. I take the gun and tuck it into the waistband of my jeans. the cool metal touches my back and it actually feels comforting. after that, we both go downstairs and Magnus and I head home and Jace heads to his foster fathers. I ride with Magnus in his car and as soon as I reach the club I crash onto my bed. the next day Jace has to go to work for the first time at an auto shop and I decide to go get another tattoo this afternoon. this one is by far the biggest one and will take a few visits. it is going to cover the trips to the attic and the whore carved into my back. I reach the shop and Julian leads me to the back. "so can I get that story now since it's your third tat?" he asks. "you can" I tell him "alrighty then, but before any of that what are you getting today?" he asks. I pull out my sketch pad and flip to the page "I know its gonna take more than one visit but I've been thinking and this is it" I tell him and flip the sketchbook around to show him. "I want it to cover my whole back," I tell him "yea you weren't joking when you said it was big," he says "well let's get started and start talking red" he adds. I pull off my shirt and unhook my bra and hold it in place over my chest. I lay on my stomach and fold my hands under my chin. i here him gasp at the sight of my back. "what the hell happened red?" he asks "well when I was six my mom left me, my father and my brothers" i feel him put the temporary ink on my back "my dad was always an angry person but when she left he just got plain furious. he started beating me and my brother's a couple months after she left and he started going on more 'business trips'" I feel the needle hit my upper back and it hurts less than it did the last few times but it still hurts "we went to my grandpas a lot but it was mostly us taking care of him. he had a severe case of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and Altheimer. one night he tried to kill my oldest brother and then left. my oldest brother was unconscious and my other brother was crazy. he forced alcohol down my throat and he kept telling me he loved me more than he should. that he thought I was his. I managed to fight him off and my brother came too and got him off of me my father came back the next day and he was enraged. he dragged us home and beat us all. after about a month they figured out my grandpa had murdered 18 people and then he became Oskar Morgenstern the murderer. I started working at the bar when I was twelve first I was a bus lady then a waitress, then when I turned 15 I started as a bartender. when I was still a bus lady I had to work late one night and so when I got home my dad took me to the attic for the first time. by then Jonathan, my brother, had started "I took a pause to hold back the tears. "he had started raping me. Sebastian, my oldest brother, had moved out and wasn't keeping him away from me. I could barely walk because it was so bad the night before. I was late getting home and my father hated it so as soon as I walked through the door he started dragging me to the attic by my hair. he pulled off his belt and beat me with the metal part. me being stupid called him a bastard. he pulled out a whip and that's how I got the marks on my back for the first time. the word on my back came from Jonathan. the night Sebastian left he made sure I knew I was his. he raped me and beat me then he carved that word into my back then burned it to make sure it stuck. I couldn't believe someone could do that to a twelve-year-old. then i started thinking i deserved everything i got and more. i thought i must be the worst person to ever live. that's when i started self-harming. rafael, my boss, found out and he freaked. he helped me stop. I finally stopped completely 3 years ago. my brother did everything he could to make me think everything he did was my fault but I finally stopped believing him. last year my boss and I got extremely drunk after my shift and we slept together. it was obviously a horrible idea and he said he viewed me more as a sister. I completely agreed and we stopped anything after that. he had no clue about Jonathan and they were acquainted with each other. he accidentally let it slip that we slept together and Jonathan got furious. he cut the breaks to my bike and that's how I got the scar that you covered with the daisy chain. and now a year and a half later I have more friends than ever and im living in an apartment in Magnus's club and my boyfriend, Jace, is moving in with me in a week or so. and im getting tattoed almost everywhere by an artist as good as my mother used to be" I tell him "well im glad life has taken a good turn for you red" he says "im sorry you've had to deal with so much" he adds "don't apologize you didn't do anything" I say "well then screw your family for treating you like shit your whole life" he says. I laugh "I figured out that they aren't my family. my family is my friends, my boyfriend, and my oldest brother" I tell him. "im glad you see it that way. a lot of people who have gone through what you have would probably be strung out on drugs thinking they are alone in this world" he says "I guess I got lucky" I admit. "nope. it means your strong and stubborn" he says. I laugh. "I think I'm done with the main outlines of the top half. ill do the bottom half next time" he says. "ok. should we do Thursday or-"I trail off hoping for an answer "Thursday is good" he says. "ok" I confirm. I pay him and head back to the club. I crash on my bed but refuse to sleep. I still haven't slept except that little bit of time when Jace made me. I haven't eaten a lot and I feel like im dying. I feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier and then they shoot open at the sound of a crash downstairs. I run downstairs and find Magnus trying to drag one of the corner couches to the VIP area. "Magnus why didn't you ask me for help" I question as I pick up the other end. "because I thought you finally decided to sleep instead of listening to depressing music and drinking alone every other night" he explains "if you dont like my drinking alone all you have to do is join me" I tease "oh biscuit I dont listen to depressing music" he says "I listen to drake and kanye" he adds "I listen to drake and kanye when I want to dance"I tell him "well you better be ready to dance this weekend becuase I think your boyfriend is going to want a hot birthday present for once" he says "oh maggy. my boyfriend gets hot presents every time I see him"I tease "oh really how hot are we talking here biscuit" he asks "it makes satan jealous" "biscuit you cant be jealous of your self" he says as we reach the VIP area "oh shut up" we go get to second couch and carry it to the same area then we take on the chore of dragging couches upstairs to the second VIP area that Magnus said will be specially set up for me, him, and our friends. he ordered a custom mini fridge and new furniture for our area and it sits on an indoor balcony that looks over the whole club. we pull up the second couch and the two stools that go with the couches. we go grab the mini fridge and I let Magnus set it up. I start moving the furniture around so that it sits in a decent spot. Magnus and I look at the clock and realize that it's already dinner time. we decided to order a pizza and start replacing the railing on the balcony. since Magnus doesn't know how to work power tools he just holds the new railing in place while I drill in the screws. we find that the last railing is too long so we put it away until we can get a saw, sandpaper, and finish for it. we are half way done getting in the support for the railing when the pizza gets here. I open the door and pay for it as the guy leaves I notice a familiar figure but it disappears so I choose to ignore it. we eat and finish the whole pie. magnus texts a friend of his and finds out he has a saw and sandpaper. he tells me he is going to pick it up and text me when he needs to find the finish so I can help him since he knows nothing about this stuff and I've been having to fix things at my old house for years. he slips on his fuzzy slides by the Kardashian person or something and heads out. I decide against drinking because I don't want to be handling a saw while drunk. I watch a little tv until I hear the door open. "Magnus are you back already?" I shout to him. I see a white head of hair stride into the room and im instantly on my feet running to find my purse with the gun Raf gave me. but im to slow. I managed to reach the balcony but he just shoves me off of it through the place without railing then jumps down to me landing on his feet. I feel dizzy from the fall and the air has disappeared from my lungs "who the fuck do you think you are little sister" he screams. he grabs my hair and spins me around and backhands me. my head jerks to the side and I know I would have fallen if he didn't still have my hair. "you are coming home right now" he yells. he drags me outside and towards our house that is only a few blocks away, he lets go of my hair so he doesn't draw attention but he still has my arm in a bruising grip. I try to run and beg for help but he tells people that im schizophrenic and im having a moment. he finally gets sick of me and drags me into a dark alley. I see my bike where I had parked it 2 blocks away from the bar. he pins me behind a dumpster and yanks my jeans down I kick and scream but by now everyone has reached their home or the party they were trying to find so no one can hear me. he pounds into me but I don't stop fighting. I fight harder than I ever have before and he gets fed up he drags me up onto my knees and tries to put his cock in my mouth. I won't let him do this. I scream and try to punch him but he pins my arms against the wall of the ally and shoves his member into my mouth. I choke and gag as he pounds into my face. I bite down hard and taste blood in my mouth. he screams in pain and I take off to my bike. I grab the gun from my seat and shove it into the waistband of my jeans. and attempt to escape on my bike having the gun only as a precaution. I cant start my bike in time so I am dragged back into the ally. I can't stand so the skin on my back is being slowly scraped away by the cement. someone sees us but they completely ignore us not wanting to get involved. I am thrown into the ally wall and he is trying to pin me to the floor again. he does so but I cant get the gun because he pins my hands above my head. he pounds into me for what feels like forever. I hear his moaning get louder and my screams and crying do the same. I feel him come inside me and I think I want to use that gun on myself instead. he gets up and starts buttoning his jeans but I don't give him the chance. I pull the gun from my waistband and pull back the hammer. I pull the trigger and the next thing I see is a hole in his head. I sit there for a few minutes trying to register the fact that I just killed my brother. eventually I see a pair of sparkly skinny jeans passing by the ally and I start crying again. magnus, of course, hears this and looks at me. "oh my god" he gasps. he is immediately by my side trying to get me up but I cringe away. "biscuit you need to stand up. we need to get out of here now before someone sees this" I pull myself together and think back to something Valentine taught me that I never thought I would need to know or want to know but right now it is the most useful thing I've ever heard. " I need to make sure this shit doesn't get traced back to me. please help me" I beg. "ok tell me. what we need to do" Magnus says and his voice implies that we need to go fast. " I hate to ask you this but...my DNA cant be on him" I try. "oh god clary. ok, I will take care of the body you get rid of the gun and get home. im calling Jace to meet you there" he says "no he cant know anything about this. I will go home and I will be ok until you get back. but how are you going to get rid of the body?" I ask "I know someone who specializes in this kind of thing. im going to call him. he owes me more than a few things anyway" he says "ok" I walk away and put the gun in my seat again. I don't bother with my helmet so I just drive to a place I can get rid of this thing. I pull up to the club and go to the lot clearing beside it. I grab a shovel and dig out a deep fucking hole. by the time im done it is waist deep for someone my size and only big enough for the gun. I empty the chamber and throw the gun in. I cover the hole back up and start on another for the bullets.it's not as deep as the other hole but its deep enough. I throw in the bullets and the extra ones I had for the gun. I go back to the club and I can still feel my head pounding from the fall and im pretty sure I have a broken rib. I gingerly sit on the couch and start crying I am replaying the night in my head and immediately call Magnus. "mags I need you to pick up a morning-after pill for me before you come back" I sob "oh biscuit. ill pick it up on my way home. I should be back soon they just picked up the body they are going to handle it" "ok. please hurry home I don't want to be alone" I sob "im coming. im going into the drug store now so im going to hang up and I should be home in a few" "ok" I sob once again. I hang up and cry into the pillow. I hear the door open and am immediately on my feet in a panic. "it's just me, biscuit" he soothes. I calm down and start sobbing again. he sits me down and rubs comforting circle on my back. "we aren't ever telling a living soul about this. not alec. not Izzy. not Raf. not Simon. and definitely not Jace " I tell him "I promise I won't say a word about any of it," he says "I need that pill," I say. he hands the package to me and I dry swallow it as soon as I pop it out and then I sob into Magnus's shoulder until I accidentally fall asleep. I don't bother caring. none of it was worse than tonight. he has hurt me so much worse before but tonight broke me. the only thing I see while I sleep is the bullet cracking into his skull and feeling a huge weight leave me as soon as it leaves the other side of his head. I hope he has a special place in hell forever