AH! I had this sitting and finally figured out where I wanted to go. This is not my favorite chapter but it leads me where I want to go. Thanks for reading and thank you for the people that kept me honest and asked me to write more. It helped more than you know!
Letting me inside his head was obviously uncomfortable for him and too easy for me. This was unnerving, terrifying, exciting. Like eager poison racing down my veins just to get to see a glimpse of his memories, to feel the moment he is obviously terrified of.
His memory seemed fragmented. Looking through his eyes was something else. He was taller, everything felt a little more urgent, and I felt angry, scared, and conflicted. I, he was walking in a long corridor where black covered everything and a few white lights lit the way. Only the shadows from the red lights made it seem like everything sinister was born here.
Kylo turns from the corridor to a long skinny bridge over an endless void into darkness. The sound of my boots echo into the chasm and cut through the silence of the space. I walk halfway across and I hear a gruff yell, "Ben!". I turn to see an older man standing at the edge of the bridge walking toward me.
"Han Solo, I have been waiting for this day a long time." My gravely voice booms through the room.
"Take off that mask." The older man asks. His breath jagged every time he speaks. I could here the whispers of a plea through his wanted command. "You don't need it."
"What do you think you'll see if I do?"
"The face of my son." The room seems to grow darker as I take off the mask. My heart is pounding and for some reason it feels like I can't do this. Kylo can't do this. I am both hot and cold, heart racing, grueling pain in my gut. I am completely enthralled in Kylos memory. All I know is I feel pain and I am not sure why. Kylo's father coming back for his son is a good memory.
"Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him."
"That's what Snoke wants you to believe, buts its not true. My son is alive."
'"No." Kylo definitively says. "The supreme leader is wise."
"Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he will crush you. You know it's true."
The man's face seems so similar to me. The nose, the stance and the know all attitude. He is so much like Kylo and yet they are so different. I realize I don't want to experience the rest. I want to pull out of this memory but Kylo asks me to just watch.
"Its too late." This scene feels all too similar and I know it ends in heartbreak. I can feel the tears running down my face. Kylo says he is sorry and forces my hand through his hair, to hold my hand, to keep watching this memory.
"No its not. Leave here with me. Come home." The man was pleading. "I miss you."
"I am being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?" Just say no. I can feel betrayal coursing through his pulse. I want to scream at the man to run. Say no. Just say no and leave.
"Yes." Relief comes across the mans face. "Anything."
The light goes out and there is a weapon in my hand. I am shaking within the darkness. I know what happens next. I pull away from Kylo. We are sitting in the comfort of my white room and I just watched him kill his father. I know this memory. I have seen it before.
I push away from the bed in the center of the room and walk toward the door. I should leave. I am no longer seeing life from Kylo's perspective and everything seems shorter and further away. Kylo is sitting on the bed, his own head lying in his hands.
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I didn't want...I just don't… I'm sorry." His words slow and unknowing of what to actually say.
"You killed your own father. He was giving you a chance and you killed him. I don't understand why." I was shaking my head to make the memory somehow disappear.
"I'm a monster. I told you." His words short and defined. His presence turned cold and he stood from the bed. I was standing by the door unsure of what to do next. Do I try to run? Do I try to understand his point of view? He is a murderer and I admitted my feelings for him. I feel a sense of guilt and disgust with myself because I felt his anger and sadness. I knew that he pushed himself and instantly regretted it. How can I justify murder even with instant regret.
"I can make you forget again." Kylo walking straight at me never wavering his eyes from mine. "I shouldn't have shown you and now I can make you forget." Every word reverberated their own sound through the room.
The tears were still watering my eyes from the memory and I know I looked weak and pathetic. I was still attracted to this man and that made me feel guilty by association. I am a murderer too.
"Was I there? Did I watch it happen? Why didn't I stop you?"
"You didn't have the ability yet. I would have killed you too." HIs hand reach up against my forehead. "I don't want you to hate me."
"Stop." My words now commanding and solid. "I can not, will not be a part of this. Don't make me forget. Don't force me back into the darkness of pure ignorance. I am not some puppet you get to play with. I know I don't know a lot but taking away what I do know will not make you feel better. It will not make you better."
"You have killed too." He shifted me aside and walked out the door. I didn't look back to see him and I am sure he didn't look back to see me. Am I a murderer too? Does that really make any difference?