I am tearing myself apart. Kylo-even thinking his name is confusing. How do I deal with the obvious issue that he might be evil? Can an evil person love? How does he treat people with such contempt and then fall apart and let me hear him breathe? I have so many questions and so few answers.
Days have gone by and only one question runs through my head. Can I love a murderer?
Can I even love without knowing everything? Will I ever remember who I was before I woke up alone on this ship. Sitting alone in my white room, hearing people walk by my room endlessly. I tried to just walk out the door. I didn't want to be trapped with this constant memory of patricide. It hurt too much. Nonetheless, the door doesn't open by my hand anymore. I am a prisoner again.
Then I hear his voice in my head telling me that I am a murderer too. That should mean we are the same. Being the same as him just doesn't seem right. He is so angry, even with his awkward softness. The echo of my heart and lungs beam through the room, always empty, always quiet. How many days will I be stuck? How many days will he keep me here? I'm trapped. I am trapped with myself, in this room. Questions run through my head before I can even comprehend what they all mean. They all run together.
Am I evil? Am I just like him? Am I a murderer too? Have I killed people? Did they have families? Was it all a mistake? Was I even worth a breath? What do I do? What am I supposed to feel? Why am I here? What? Why? How? My heart races faster. Air never catches my lungs. I breathe faster. I look for an escape. My body screaming for air. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Tears build in the corners of my eyes. Everything gets blurry. My head spins. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
"I can't breathe." I press between the gasps of air I try to take. I grab the wall. I grab the dresser. I move to the bed. My chest pulsing up and down. I can't breathe. Help. "I can't. " breathe. I slide down from the floor, my back against the bed frame staring out the window. The immense space outside the window belittles me. One, two, three. Breathe. One, two, three. Breathe. My fists clench against the cold floor. One, two, three. Breathe. Eyes closed, I try to capture some type of rhythm. One, two, three. Breathe.
Alone, in this room for days. I am not quite sure how many. But a few more hours or minutes pass until boots stop at my door. I know there is someone there. Is it him? Should I go to the door?
The boots have not moved from the door. "Please" I whisper against the door close enough to touch the cold metal against my forehead. "Please let me out. Please."
The boots walk away and I am left with the instant regret of even saying a word. I slide down and lean against the wall. My hands cover my face and there is nothing to do but sob. I feel like I have no power and no reason to even try. Was this their tactic? To break me? To leave me here and let me rot like I should. Like the murderer that I am supposed to be. The lack of food has taken a toll. I am weak and for the first time since I have been here I just want to close my eyes. I just want to dream and sleep. My heart aches for it. I don't even feel enough energy to move from this door. This is my prison.
And like a dream, I see a room that is not my own. Maybe I fell asleep. The room disappears and all I see is Kylo. Only Kylo. Wearing all black, including the mask. "I hate that mask," I muttered as a final act of defiance against my jailer.
He turned around and looked straight at me, turned around and walked away. "Good." His voice barely reached my ears. I don't chase him or even get up. What's the point?
When I make it to my bed, I fall asleep, dreamlessly. Another day gone.
"LET ME OUT!" I scream repetitively as I band as hard as I can on the metal door. Someone has to hear me. Someone has to get tired of hearing me. Bring me food. Preferably not poisoned. I realized that, though giving up might be an option, today was not the day. I was going to get someone's attention no matter what I had to do. I will fight and continue to fight until I have no fight left.
I am done sleeping. I am done taking baths and showers. I am done pretending to clean, to fold clothes. I am done with this room. "LET ME OUT!"
No one has even walked by the door. It doesn't even seem like they patrol around her anymore. There was nothing to throw at the door. Nothing to tear through the walls. Nothing in this white hell I have been stuck in for what feels like forever.
In the most fakely sweet voice, I call out to my annoyingly stubborn captor."Oh, Kylo Ren! You Supreme Leader piece of crap! Are you going to leave me here forever? Let me starve? Think I am going to go silently. Let me tell you.. You… you self righteous idiot. Can you hear me now? I hate you. You got what you wanted. Aren't you happy, you father killing damnable monster? You can kill me now." I didn't want to die but it would be nice to even see a angry lunatic coming through my door. If he were to come in I could wait by the door and just run. I don't know where I would run to but I had to get out of here.
"Maybe I'll ask Hux to come back here. He seemed more interested in me than anyone right now. Especially your batha headed self. Come now. Are you going to starve someone you were trying to win over? Are you crazy! You must be crazy. You could have lied and…If you wanted me to hate you, I hate you now. You win"
What was I doing? Asking to get tortured because I can't be by myself. Pathetic. Kylo could have lied and kept me in the dark. He was still torturing me now. Keeping me alone and starving, alone. I just need someone, something to keep me from losing it forever.
"Let me out! Let me out you mask wearing freak! You can't keep me here forever. I mean… you could but. Ugh. Someone talk to me. I am going crazy if you didn't notice. Not like it seems anyone cares."
No one responds. No one ever responds. No one walks by my door. Silence in my white room with white walls. Nothing.
Long time no story... I know. I lost a little inspiration and did a book dive/obsession to get my writingness flowing. If anyone is still interested in reading my weird confusing love/hate story then I will keep writing. And if you hate it well I keep writing anyway and hopefully, it will go a little faster than these last two chapters did! Thank you again for reading. This is my first real story so any suggestions would be awesome!