Dom sat frozen on the sofa staring at the piece of paper in front on him. The words blurring as he stared at them through the tears that were forming.
He hadn't realised how young Ange had been even though she had given it as the reason she had given him away he hadn't thought about it much through the hurt he was feeling.
13 God at 13 he'd spent most of his time listening to Avril Lavigne and trying to fit in with his school mates. He couldn't even imagine having a baby at that age. Hell, he could only just imagine having a baby now at 32.
When he first found out about this he just felt so rejected. Like he was worthless and not even his mother wanted him. He'd spent the last few weeks trying to work out what a 6-month-old could do that was so bad you'd give them up. But now after reading that.
The relief almost made him want to laugh even though he was already crying. His eyes blurring so much he couldn't read the letter anymore. He put it carefully back into the envelope before his tears managed to drip down and spoil it. He wanted to keep it forever.
He'd been so angry at Ange, Carole, Chloe and even himself and now it was all just fading into sadness. For the baby, he had been but also for Ange and what she must have gone through for him.
He put the letter back in the file and put it aside. He moved so he was resting his head in his hands and just focused on calming down a bit. He'd been feeling so up and down lately and just felt so alone.
Lofty being gone was like a physical ache but he just couldn't bring himself to ruin Shelagh's trip of a lifetime just so he could have someone to lean on. It was so hard pretending that everything was fine on their phone calls. He didn't feel like he had anyone left to talk to, Sacha and Essie couldn't be trusted to keep it quiet and he promised he wouldn't tell Chloe. He supposed he could call Zosia but she'd just had surgery and needed support herself. He was just going to have to cope for now.
Everything is so confusing and he almost wished he could go back to not knowing. Almost.
He changed positions so he was lying on the sofa. He was feeling so tired and drained. After the talk with Ange last week where he promised to give her time to Chloe. Maybe it would be better if he went away for a bit but then he didn't want to give the wrong message about his YAU placement that he'd worked so hard for.
Ange said she was tired too. Maybe she was tired of him? He knew he'd been pushy but he desperately wanted to be part of the family he felt he belonged with. Carole and Barry were his family in a way but he found himself questioning everything now. Maybe Carole would have stood up for him with Barry if he's been her real son. And maybe Barry wouldn't have been so awful although he supposed that was more because of Barry's homophobia than anything else. But then again if he was Barry's real son maybe he would have accepted him better. Urgh, he wasn't getting any calmer if anything he was getting more and more worked up.
Dom sat up resting his head on his knees and started focusing on just breathing. Counting to 4 on each breath in and 6 on each breath out. After about 5 mins he felt calmer. He was just about to start reading through the rest of the file when he heard the code being punched in the door.
He hadn't though Ange was due in for a few more hours. He started to gather up the letter and file and move towards the door. Ange came through and looked up she hadn't been expecting anyone in the room and Dom had been avoiding her all week so she was surprised to see him and stopped in the doorway.
"Sorry I was just finishing some notes before heading home, I'll get out of your way," Dom said as he moved towards her. Ange looked at his face and could see he'd been crying as his eyes were red and puffy and he seemed jittery. She reached out and touched his hand, "Dom is you alright? I haven't seen much of you this week and you seem upset." Dom moved his hand away, he loved that she reached out to him and but he didn't deserve it after the way he had been treating everyone.
He really wanted to just go home and fall apart where no one could see him. He should've waited and opened the file at home.
Ange felt a little hurt that Dom had moved away but she did understand she'd asked for time and he'd tried to give that to her in his own way by pulling back from her. She could see him clutching a file in his other hand. Thinking it would be better to talk work rather than asking him to open up about why he was so upset. "Is that your admin? Anything you want me to take a look at? "She offered.
Dom looked to the door awkwardly but Ange was stood between him and it. "No err it's just a personal thing. Nothing to worry about." Ange closed the door so that the exit was barred for now. "Dom, are you sure you're ok? I know I asked for time but I do care about you"
Dom could feel himself starting to lose his composure, he needed to leave quickly. He didn't want his mum to see how weak he was or how much he needed her to care for him. Just like Isaac used to say Dom wasn't good enough for her. He made to open the door and Ange didn't stop him. But as he grabbed the handle he couldn't stop the tears that had started to fall again.
He felt trapped and didn't know what to do. He didn't want to go out on the ward like this but he also didn't want Ange to see him like this. He was so ashamed of it all. Ange reached for Dom again putting her hand over his on the door handle. She gently pulled his hand off and led him back to the sofa pulling gently on his hand to get him to follow her.
Ange sat down and tugged Dom to sit next to her. She could see the tears dripping down his face but he'd turned his face away from her obviously ashamed of them. She wasn't really sure what to do. He obviously didn't want her to see him like this but she couldn't just let him leave. Dom had pushed her so hard recently and she knew she'd been harsh with him last week
Ange decided that maybe it was best to get Carole. She'd seen her at reception on the way up and was sure she'd be able to spare a few minutes for Dominic. She'd know what to do to calm him down. She went to stand up and said, "It's alright Dom, I'm going to go downstairs and grab your Mum for you ok" .
Dom, however, didn't want Carole, in fact, he wasn't sure he wanted Carole ever again. He couldn't find the words though. He just held on to Ange's hand instead hoping she'd get the message that he didn't want her to go.
Ange felt Dom grab her hand and was a bit flummoxed she really didn't know what to do. She sat back down next to Dom but even then he didn't let go of her hand. "It's alright Dom I'll stay if you want me to. Can you tell me what's got you upset? I don't think I've seen you like this before" Dom just shook his head. He was such a mess he didn't know what he wanted or why he couldn't stop the tears leaking down his face.
Ange noticed he was still clutching onto the folder with his other hand. She went to reach for it thinking maybe something in there had upset Dom. He let her take it from him and as she did an envelope fell out. She looked down and saw the writing on the envelope. Oh god, she remembered writing that envelope. "Dom, where did you get that from?" She thought Carole must have thrown it away since she hadn't told Dom anything. But there it was the letter she wrote for him all those years ago.
He hadn't answered her question and was just staring at the floor. She realised that maybe it was the letter that had caused this. She still remembers writing it she'd had no idea what to say and in the end, had settled for the truth and telling him how much she loved him. Hopefully reinforcing what Carole had promised to tell him.
But that hadn't happened and now she and Dom were both reeling from finding each other. Here she was sat next to her little boy and she didn't know what to do. She wanted to reach out and hug him but wasn't sure how it would be received.
Instead, she put the file to one side and moved so that she was in front of Dom and reached for his face. She gently wiped his tears stroking his cheek as she did. When he didn't pull away she felt encouraged and reached to hug him. Dominic burrowed his head into her hair and started crying properly as he reached his arms around to cling to her as Chloe used to when she was small and scared.
Ange started talking to him in a low tone just trying to calm him down. Telling him that it was fine to be upset and that things would be ok and that he wasn't alone.
Dom was clinging on to Ange like a lifeline. Much like when she hugged him the day after his birthday it felt so familiar and so safe. He could hear her talking to him gently was starting to be soothed by the sound of her voice. Eventually, the tears starting drying up and his breathing eased but he found he didn't really want to let go.
Carole had hugged him before of course loads really. But it didn't really feel like this, like safety and home all rolled into one. Carole was soft and lovely but she fussed so much and it was nice just to be held. He realised as a grown man he shouldn't really feel that way and started to pull away.
Ange let him go although she too didn't really want to. For the first time since finding out, she'd started to really link her baby boy and grown-up Dom together. It had been hard as she knew Dom wanted to form a bond but she'd still been looking for her baby.
" Sorry", Dom muttered " it just all hit me at once and I read your letter and it just made me realise how awful I was being about it all and only thinking about my hurt and not thinking of how this affects you or Chloe". Ange moved back from him and picked the letter off the floor to hand to Dom. "It's alright I can understand I know this is hard but we will work it out I promise," she said sincerely.
" I know waiting for the right time to tell Chloe is hard and that you want to be her brother I will tell her soon but Dom you have to know that Chloe and I aren't your only family you have Carole and Lofty and his grandmother too. You're not alone. Have you spoken to anyone about all this yet?" Ange asked hoping that he had. Although keeping it all bottled in is a Godard family trait.
"No I didn't want to worry Lofty and ruin his and Shelagh's big trip, I was going to talk to Zosia but she's preparing for the baby and with the surgery and stuff, I just couldn't do it. There isn't really anyone else I could trust with it right now" Dom responded. He felt exhausted now but much better for releasing all the upset from earlier. " It's alright I don't really need to talk I just read the letter when I was tired and it wasn't really what I was expecting from the file. I thought it would just be facts and stuff".
"I assume you requested it from the agency?" Ange asked. "Yeah Mu...Carole suggested it she said that it might help me think things through. I guess she was right it would've been the way to start after finding out if I didn't already know you." Dom said. Dom noticed Ange winced when he almost called Carole Mum. "I'm sorry I'm trying not to call her that but its habit" "No it's right that you call Carole Mum Dom" Ange interrupted. "She is your Mum, I'm family, yeah but I'm never going to be the Mum that raised you. I gave up that right when I gave you up"
Dom shook his head, "It doesn't feel right calling her that anymore. I know she's been a Mum to me but she's not my only Mum" " Well maybe we can come up with something else to call me later once we've thought about it a bit" suggested Ange.
" Yeah ok maybe, that does sound good," said Dominic coming over really tired and yawning loudly. Ange snorted, " It looks like you're ready to head home. Why don't you go and get some rest and we can talk again later". Dom nodded and gathered up his folder and made to go to the door. When he got there he turned back and said softly, " Thanks Mum".
Ange looked up him and smiled sadly. " You're welcome sweetheart" Dom turned and left heading for home. Ange sat back on the sofa and let out a deep sigh. He called her Mum and it felt wonderful but she felt like she was stealing him away. She'd need to come up with something else special for him to call her. It was only fair to Carole.
She'd planned on doing some admin but instead, she started making plans on how to tell Chloe. It was only fair to Dominic he too had been through so much.