VIII.
"You could have both been killed, son," Admiral Owen Paris admonished his youngest child.
"We're okay, Dad," Tom replied, feeling B'Elanna's hand come to rest on his shoulder.
"That's not the point. Putting yourselves at risk like that? When you have a new baby? How could you?"
"Being a Starfleet officer is a risky job, Dad. Or have you forgotten that after all your years stuck behind a desk?"
"Don't you mouth off to me like that, young man."
"Owen, Tom's a grown man, more than capable of making his own choices." Marlene Paris came up behind her husband, holding baby Miral.
"Hi, honey," Tom said to his daughter through the view screen, his demeanor instantly changing.
"Hi," B'Elanna added over his shoulder. "We miss you, baby."
"She misses you, too," said Marlene. Owen stepped away from the console and let his wife take over the conversation for a moment. "You know your father, Tom. He's hot headed."
"Don't I know it," Tom muttered.
"But," his mother continued in a warning tone, "you should have just told him the truth about where you were going and what you were going to do. You didn't think you could trust your own father?"
"It's not that I don't trust Dad, but that I respect his rank. Admiral Garrett has a lot of power and a lot of connections. I didn't want to put Dad in a bad position."
"See, Owen?" Marlene said over her shoulder. "Tom was trying to protect you."
Owen Paris reappeared on the screen. "I'm sorry for getting angry. We were just so worried about you." He looked down at his granddaughter who was gurgling softly in his wife's arms. "We don't want this little one to grow up without parents."
Tom took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, too, Dad. I'm sorry we couldn't tell you the truth from the beginning."
"The important thing is you're all okay," said Marlene.
"Maybe," B'Elanna put in. "Chakotay still hasn't recovered. The Doctor doesn't know if he will or not."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Owen.
"We'll be home in about ten days," Tom said. "Do you think you can handle our little girl for that much longer?"
Marlene looked down at Miral with a loving smile and touched the baby's cheek. "Of course we can, can't we, little one?" she said to the baby.
B'Elanna patted Tom on the shoulder. "I think your parents are doing just fine."
"We miss you, Miral," he said to his daughter. "We'll see you soon."
"Let me know if you need anything, son," said Owen seriously. "And be in touch."
"I will, Dad. Thanks."
"Paris out." The comm call ended and Tom sat back in his chair with a sigh. "Well, that could have gone worse."
"Just wait till Miral is running off on her own and commandeering ships," B'Elanna warned. "I bet you'll feel the same way your father does now."
Tom stood up and took his wife in his arms. "You know, I thought that when we got home from the Delta Quadrant, life was going to be simpler."
"Don't wish for that, flyboy," B'Elanna replied with a laugh. "You'd get bored!"
"Oh, really?" he asked, leaning down to nibble the skin below her ear. "As it is, we have a little more than a week with no assignment and no baby to distract us." He pulled her closer to him, grasping her buttocks in his hands. "I don't know," he murmured, his breath hot on her ear, "I'm getting bored already. How about you?"
"Mmhmph," she tried to answer him, but his lips descended on hers and the words quickly became a muffled moan.
Kathryn Janeway strode down the Enterprise's corridors. The last twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind of activity. The Enterprise had set a course for Earth, leaving the Gryphon standing sentinel over Garrett's space station to make sure that nothing was disturbed. After questioning the surviving crew of the Romulan warbird, she and Picard had determined that the crewmen knew nothing significant about what had gone on aboard the station. The Enterprise had rendezvoused with a Romulan ship, and they had granted the Empire's extradition request. However, the Romulans seemed to have abandoned Commander Teral and had made no objection to Starfleet's desire to hold her for further questioning, and possibly even prosecution. Teral remained in the Enterprise's brig but continued to refuse to talk, despite having been told that her government had left her twisting in the wind.
Janeway had spent hours in comm meetings with Admiral Hayes, Admiral Paris, Admiral Ross and the judge advocate general, painstakingly going over every detail of her encounter with Garrett. The Doctor, Paris, Torres, Tuvok, and Seven had all made their own reports as well. Janeway wanted the case against Garrett to be airtight, leaving no chance of the admiral escaping life in prison, the harshest punishment available under Federation law. Dr. Zupanich still refused to say a word against his colleague, but she thought that she could make a strong case without his testimony.
As Janeway walked through the sickbay doors, she stopped short. Seven sat at Chakotay's bedside, talking softly to him. She stood when she saw Janeway. "Captain."
"Seven, how's our patient doing?" she asked, approaching the biobed. Seven's myo-neural cortical array had been removed, so they were no longer linked. Janeway and Chakotay had yet to undergo the removal procedure.
"The nanoprobes are functioning at peak efficiency," Seven replied.
Janeway smiled. For all the strides Seven had made towards recapturing her humanity, it seemed she might always value efficiency and perfection above everything.
The EMH approached the biobed. "The commander's vital signs and neurological activity have improved significantly in the last twenty-four hours. However, he still remains unconscious, and I still do not know what permanent damage he may suffer."
"What about the other two drones?" Janeway asked, gesturing to the other two occupied biobeds.
"I have removed their myo-neural cortical arrays and injected them with some of Seven's reprogrammed nanoprobes. The nanoprobes are repairing their neural pathways, but, like Chakotay, they both remain unconscious."
"I see."
"Admiral Garrett has been moved to an isolated cell in the brig," the EMH continued.
"Yes, I know."
"He is conscious but he wasn't very happy when he realized that his neural transceiver had been removed and his link to the hive mind severed."
"I can imagine. Doctor, I know you've already given your initial report to the admiralty, but I'd like you to prepare a full analysis of Garrett and Zupanich's methods of assimilation and their plot to create a human collective. I don't want anyone to be able to argue that they simply took advantage of our homecoming and Seven's presence."
"Indeed, Captain. This was a plot that took many years for them to develop. Our arrival in the Alpha Quadrant may have enabled them to accelerate their timeframe, but their actions were clearly pre-meditated. I'll get started on it right away. Dr. Crusher has allowed me to share her office until we return to Earth."
"Excellent. Thank you, Doctor."
It was clearly a dismissal, but the Doctor lingered. "Captain, your removal procedure…" he began.
"Is the myo-neural cortical array causing me any damage?"
"Not that I can tell, but…"
"Then we wait," Janeway said firmly. "We wait until Chakotay regains consciousness."
"And if he doesn't?" the Doctor asked, trying to keep his tone as gentle as possible.
Janeway looked away and clenched her jaw. "He will. Chakotay is still in there. I know it. I felt him."
"That was days ago, Captain." He put his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, but you have to face the possibility that Commander Chakotay won't recover."
"I may have to face that possibility someday," she replied softly, "but not today." She looked back at the Doctor. "One more day. Give him at least another twenty-four hours. Delaying my procedure that long won't hurt me, will it?"
The Doctor shook his head.
"And it won't hurt Chakotay either?"
"No, Captain, not as far as I can tell."
A small smile crossed Janeway's face, the relief of a horror that was held at bay for a day longer. "Thank you, Doctor."
The EMH nodded and hurried off to complete his report. Janeway looked back at Chakotay. She stepped around the biobed, her hand touching his leg as she moved. She looked at his face, his peaceful expression. His hands lay at his sides and her fingers found his. They were warm, but did not respond to her touch.
"I can go, Captain, if you'd like to stay with Chakotay for a while," Seven offered.
Kathryn looked up, startled. She had forgotten about Seven's presence. She released Chakotay's hand and stepped back quickly. "No, Seven, that's all right."
"The Doctor said it might help Chakotay if I talked to him."
"I'm sure it's very helpful." Kathryn swallowed hard. "I'm glad he has you by his side, to help him through this time."
"And you, Captain."
"Of course," she replied quickly. She looked into Seven's eyes. "No matter what happens, I'll be here to help both of you."
"You always have been," Seven said.
"Yes, and I always will be." Silence filled the room until Janeway abruptly said, "Well, I have to be getting back to work now. I have a lot to do."
Seven nodded and watched Janeway leave sickbay. Then she turned back to Chakotay. "I do not understand the captain's behavior," she told his unresponsive form. "And I am beginning to wonder if I ever understood yours."
As Kathryn left sickbay, she felt a storm of conflicting emotions churn through her. She felt fear, fear that Chakotay would not recover, that he would never again be the man she had known. She felt a raging, hot anger towards Garrett. And she felt another kind of inner turmoil, too, one that she was hesitant to put words to.
When she had walked into sickbay and found Seven sitting with Chakotay, speaking to him so intimately, it had felt as though she'd been punched in the gut. In all the activity of the past few days, she had not had time to reflect on Chakotay's deeply hidden memories that she had seen during their link on the station. For one brief moment, she had been granted a glimpse into his soul, and a glimpse into the depth of the feelings he had once had for her. She wondered, were these emotions only memories? Were his feelings only in the past? Was it time for her, too, to accept the inevitable and move on?
Ever since learning that her engagement was over and Mark had moved on, she had held, in the back of her mind, the image of her and Chakotay, happy and free to explore their feelings without repercussions for their crew or their mission. She had pictured them relaxing together by the water, drinks in hand, laughing, talking, kissing, and finally able to enjoy life and each other to the fullest. Now, she knew that Chakotay, too, had once harbored feelings for her, but he'd let her go. He had moved on, as painful as it may have been for him, and she had been too preoccupied to see it at the time.
Perhaps it was time for her, too, to let go of the feelings she'd secretly harbored for so long. After all, she had accomplished what she set out to do when she had followed Braxton's instructions and left Earth to find Garrett and rescue Chakotay and Seven. Garrett was in the brig, Seven was fine, and all that remained was for Chakotay to recover. If he did, and if he and Seven then wished to pursue their relationship, Kathryn Janeway silently determined that she would not be the one to stand in their way. No, she thought. I can only want for him to be whole and happy once again. Whatever part I play or don't play in his life after that will be a small price to pay. All I want is for him to be himself, to have his individuality and personality restored. The rest doesn't matter.
Outside the brig, Janeway paused, realizing where her footsteps had taken her. The swirling emotions that made her chest feel tight had led her to the one person who she could confront. Clenching her jaw, she stepped forward, the doors swishing open before her.
"Captain Janeway," the security guard greeted her.
She glanced around the brig. Every cell was full with members of Garrett's staff. "I need to speak with Garrett."
"Right this way, Captain," said the ensign, who led her to an isolated cell in the back of the brig.
"Thank you, Ensign. Return to your post."
Her approach had woken Garrett, and he sat up on the bench in his cell, immediately fixing her with a glare. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to talk to you."
Garrett rolled his eyes. "I have nothing to say to you."
"You've been planning this collective for years, haven't you?" Janeway asked. "You've done meticulous research, experiments, planning. Seven wasn't part of your agenda to being with, was she? You just took advantage of our homecoming." Tight-lipped, Garrett did not reply. Janeway forged ahead. "In all your research, in all your tests, did you ever reverse the process? Did you ever try to return someone's individuality?"
Garrett studied her for a long moment, and then, so suddenly it made her jump, he threw his head back in a loud chortle. "You're here to beg, Janeway," he said mockingly. "You're here to beg for a cure for your precious commander? Well, my dear captain, there isn't one. All of the research that Torstin and I did suggests that the erasure of the individual is permanent and irreversible. Why would I want it any other way? Once a being has become part of the collective, why would they ever want to return to the small, petty, confusing life of an individual? You are a fool, Janeway. If that sneaky Borg of yours hadn't deceived me, I would have bent your will to mine just like I did your first officer's."
"If he dies because of what you've done…"
"What?" Garrett interrupted her with a sneer. "You'll come into my cell and kill me yourself? Then you're no better than I am, Janeway."
"You act as if you're a god, Garrett, but you're not. You don't even deserve to be called human. You gave up the right to be called a man the moment you initiated force against another individual. I am going to do everything in my power to ensure that you spend the rest of your days in a cell, regretting your actions."
"Good luck," Garrett scoffed. "You can try to convict me in a court all you want, but you and I both know the truth. I told you from the very beginning; Starfleet wanted me to be here. They won't convict me of anything."
"We have evidence, Garrett. The station, the men you assimilated… Instead of gaining power over others, you've lost everything. You're going to prison for a very long time, probably the rest of your life."
"No!" Garrett stood and lunged towards Janeway, almost as if he had forgotten there was a forcefield separating them. She stared him in the eyes, refusing to back down. Then abruptly, Garrett began to laugh. It was a harsh, unpleasant sound, not at all filled with joy. "Oh, Captain, my dear captain. You have no idea. No idea at all."
"No idea about what?"
As suddenly as he had started laughing, Garrett stopped, his expression becoming deadly serious as he stared her in the eye. "I have more power at my fingertips than you can possibly imagine. If you think I'm going to prison, you're a fool."
"We have an airtight case against you and a dozen people who will testify to what you did on that station."
"They may testify to what Zupanich did," Garrett replied smugly. Then he changed his tone of voice, sounding pathetic and uncertain, "I don't know how to modify a nanoprobe or extract one. How could I have done any of the things you're accusing me of?"
"You commanded the collective. You ordered me to fire on Tuvok. You ordered Chakotay to fire on B'Elanna. You were going to make me assimilate them."
"But my mind was altered," Garrett continued in the most innocent, helpless tone he could muster. "I can't be held responsible for my actions. It was Zupanich. He was the one who did everything. I can't be blamed!" Garrett's voice rose to a loud cry, and then he paused, his tone suddenly low again, his eyes narrowing. "You're the one who's going to lose everything. If I were you, I'd watch my back from now on. You have no idea who you're dealing with."
"Then why don't you tell me?"
Garrett's expression changed again, and he grinned, wide and toothy. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? Unfortunately for you, I'm smarter than you think. You'll find out the answers to all your questions, Janeway, but not until it's too late." Garrett let lose another long peal of laughter.
Janeway turned and walked away from his cell, suddenly certain that whatever else he may be, Vince Garrett was utterly insane.
"In one week, we will arrive at Starfleet Headquarters," Captain Picard said to the combined senior staffs sitting around his briefing room table. They'd had to add quite a few chairs for Janeway, Tuvok, Torres, Paris, Kim, Seven, and the EMH, in addition to the Enterprise's senior staff. Janeway looked around the table. She knew some members of Picard's staff better than others, but she'd gotten to work with them all over the past few days and had developed great respect for each of them. She was grateful for the presence of her own people at the table, but as she sat in between Picard and Tuvok, she felt Chakotay's absence keenly.
Picard continued, "All members of Garrett's staff will be transferred from our brig directly to Starfleet Command for debriefing and whatever disciplinary action the admiralty deems necessary. In order to avoid a public scandal, Starfleet has arranged to do this as quietly as possible and is asking that none of us make any public statements regarding this incident."
"What about Admiral Garrett and Dr. Zupanich?" Kim asked.
"They will both be tried for their crimes. A court martial has been scheduled for Admiral Garrett. Dr. Zupanich, as he is not part of Starfleet, will be tried in the Federation court system."
"So Admiral Garrett's trial will remain secret, but Dr. Zupanich's will be public," Torres said, an edge of anger in her voice.
"Unfortunately that's not the worst of our problems," said Janeway. "Admiral Garrett plans to lay the entire plot on Zupanich."
"Can he do that?" Kim asked.
"The admiral intends to testify that he was not in control of his own mind because of the neural transceiver that Zupanich attached to his brain stem," said Tuvok, who had already discussed the issue at length with Janeway.
"Admiral Garrett ordered Zupanich to install the neural transceiver," said Seven. "I witnessed it."
"That will be difficult to prove," said Lieutenant Commander Data, "as we have been unable to find a written order to that effect in the logs we downloaded from the station."
"That sneaky, evil, underhanded…" Torres started.
Janeway held up a hand. "Lieutenant," she warned, and B'Elanna refrained from uttering the Klingon insult that had been on the tip of her tongue. "The bottom line is," she said, "we need Dr. Zupanich to testify against Admiral Garrett."
"So far, the doctor has been resistant to all attempts at interrogation," said Tuvok.
"I spoke to Dr. Zupanich at Captain Picard's request," said Counselor Troi. "The man has clearly been traumatized by some event in his past, but it's very hard to get past the barriers he's put up. His loyalty to Admiral Garrett is striking. He views Garrett as his savior."
"Is it possible that Garrett is holding something over him? Blackmail? He knows Zupanich's dark secret, and Zupanich is protecting Garrett in order to protect himself?" Riker asked.
Troi shook her head. "I don't think so. Zupanich's feelings towards Garrett are genuinely reverent. In his eyes, Garrett can do no wrong."
"Does he know that Garrett plans to blame him for everything?" asked Paris.
"I told him in our last interrogation session," replied Tuvok. "He still refused to say anything that would incriminate Garrett."
"Because of whatever happened in his past, this dark secret he refuses to share," said Troi, "Zupanich feels a deep seated self-loathing. He will happily take on the blame for what happened for Garrett, whom he loves, and sacrifice himself."
"Counselor, how can we make Zupanich testify?" Janeway asked.
"I don't know if you can. You can't force a man to say or believe something that he doesn't want to."
Janeway shivered. That was the crux of this whole dilemma, Garrett's attempt to force the will of another man.
"However," Troi continued, "if we could get Dr. Zupanich to talk about whatever happened to him in the past, it might offer us some insight that would help us reach him."
"We need a doorway," said Crusher, "a way into his psyche."
"Exactly."
"I'd like to try speaking with him, Captain," the EMH said.
"You think you'll have better luck than Commander Tuvok and Counselor Troi?" Picard asked.
"I was stuck with Zupanich for several days on the station. More than once, he started to tell me what had happened to him. He wanted to explain himself to me, for me to understand why he had done the things he'd done. I think he wanted the sanction of another doctor. He wanted me to tell him what he'd done for Garrett was all right."
"But you didn't," said Janeway.
"No, and when I told him what I really thought of him, he shut down and stopped talking to me." The Doctor paused. "The man is crazy, Captain. He really believes that by turning people into drones, he's doing them a favor. That, I can't understand. But there's one thing I can understand about him, which is that he wanted to help people. Please, Captain, let me try to talk to him."
Janeway looked at Picard. He nodded his agreement. "All right, Doctor," said Janeway. "Talk to Dr. Zupanich. Convince him to testify, if you can." She looked around the table. "If you can't, we better come up with a plan B, and fast."
"What about the evidence?" Paris asked. "The Gryphon is still guarding the cloaked space station. Surely Starfleet Command won't believe that a civilian doctor concocted a plot with the Romulans and took command of a Federation space station by himself."
"True, Mr. Paris," said Janeway, "but they might believe that he manipulated a Starfleet admiral into doing just that."
"If Commander Teral were willing to talk," began Riker.
He was interrupted by a call over the comm system. "Sickbay to briefing room."
"Crusher here."
"Doctor, I think you and the EMH may want to get down here."
"Is there a problem, Lieutenant?"
"It's Commander Chakotay, Doctor."
Crusher and the EMH stood at the same time. "We're on our way," she said.
The two doctors exited the briefing, and the conversation continued for a few more minutes, as Riker, Data, Paris and Kim speculated about the Romulan connection to Garrett's plot. Kathryn didn't hear a word of the conversation. Her heart was beating so loudly it seemed to drown out all the other sounds in the room. She had to concentrate to keep her breathing steady and felt relief wash over her when Picard finally dismissed the meeting. Picard turned to her as if to say something, but then seemed to think better of it. "If you'll excuse me, Captain," she said, and bolted out of her chair and into the turbolift.
As Janeway rushed into sickbay, the EMH was scanning Chakotay with a medical tricorder. Nearby, a console beeped loudly.
"Ten cc's delactovine," Crusher ordered. A nurse pressed a hypospray into Crusher's hand, and she applied it to Chakotay's neck.
"Doctor, report," Janeway ordered.
The console stopped beeping, and Crusher breathed a sigh of relief. "He's stabilized."
"Physically, yes," said the EMH, closing the tricorder and glancing up at Janeway, "but his brain functions appear to be shutting down. He's slipped into a coma."
"Have the nanoprobes malfunctioned?" Janeway asked, stepping closer.
"No," said the Doctor, "but they've stopped functioning. It seems they've repaired all the damage to the commander's neural pathways that they can."
"Then why is he in a coma?"
"I don't know," the Doctor replied.
"Even with our advanced medical technology, there's so much about the brain we don't fully understand," added Crusher. "Maybe his brain functions will shut down for a while, and then he'll wake up and be fine."
"Or he may never wake up," the Doctor said grimly. "Unfortunately, there's no way to know."
"Let me try to reach him through the link," Janeway said, stepping towards Chakotay's biobed.
"Captain, I don't think…" the Doctor started.
"Is there any risk to Chakotay or myself?"
"Physical risk, no," the EMH said hesitantly, "but…"
"But what?"
"I think the Doctor is concerned about the emotional repercussions for you, Captain, should your attempt fail," Crusher said gently.
Janeway shook her head. "I have to try. Just tell me there's no risk I could hurt him further."
"There's always a risk," said the Doctor, "but as far as I can tell, there's nothing you could do that would make the situation worse. I want to put a cortical monitor on you, Captain, just in case something goes wrong."
Janeway nodded her assent. Crusher pulled up a chair for her, and she sat next to Chakotay's bed, taking his hand in hers even though she didn't know whether or not he could feel her touching him. She felt the cold metal of the cortical monitor on her skin. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, reaching out to Chakotay through the link as Seven had taught her back on the station. It was easy now; there were no other minds to sift through, only hers and Chakotay's. But his mind was a blank to her. She felt as though she were standing in an endless, dark hallway. Chakotay, she called. Chakotay!
There was no response, and she could not sense any indication that he had heard her. Chakotay, it's Kathryn. I know you're there. Listen to me. When there was still no response, she followed the path she had followed during their last connection, the path to his memories, to memories that they shared. She conjured a memory of her own in an attempt to reach him.
She was sitting next to him on the floor of her ready room, so close that she could feel the heat emanating from his body. He was showing her his medicine bundle, a precious treasure that he had never shared with anyone. He took her hand to place it upon the akoonah. She felt a jolt of electricity at his touch and stared down at the device, afraid of what she would feel if she looked into his eyes.
Chakotay? But still, she felt nothing from him. She delved into another memory.
"I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances," she was saying as they sat next to each other on the couch in her ready room. "It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else."
This time, she did feel something from Chakotay, a deeply buried emotion that was still there. She felt a thrill run through her. Chakotay was still alive! Don't let go. Stay with me, she thought towards the stirring sensation from him, and continued into the memory.
"You don't have that safety net anymore," he said.
"That's right. Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta Quadrant. It's not like I would have had a chance to pursue a relationship, even if I had realized I was alone."
"You're hardly alone," he replied gently. "And to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time."
She could feel the heat of his eyes on her, and a memory of her own thoughts at the time filled her. As he had gazed at her, she had wondered whether he would lean forward, closer, and bring his lips to hers.
She heard something. It sounded like crying. Chakotay? Chakotay, I'm here. But he did not respond.
Remember, Kathryn thought. Come back. You have to find your way back to me. Find your way back to yourself. She smiled as another memory occurred to her.
They were sitting together on the deck of a holographic sailboat. "The air smells better at the real Lake George," she was telling him. "Someday, I'll take you there."
"I'd like that," he said, slipping an arm around her shoulders and clinking his champagne glass to hers. She snuggled into his arms and closed her eyes, listened to the beat of his heart and felt truly happy. She wished she could live in that moment forever.
This time, she almost heard the words of his response. It seemed like he'd said, So did I. For a moment, she could feel the warmth emanating from his heart, but then it was gone, replaced by the blankness she had felt when she had initiated their connection.
No! she thought. Don't let go. I feel you, Chakotay. I know you're there. Don't recede into the darkness.
They were sitting across the table from one another, hands clasped, fingers intertwined. A single tear rolled down her cheek. "Is that really an ancient legend?" she asked, so touched by his heartfelt words that she didn't know what to say.
He ducked his head with embarrassment in a way that only made him more charming. "No," he admitted, "but that made it easier to say."
For a long time, they sat at the table, staring into each other's eyes, neither one of them wanting the moment to end. Kathryn stared at this man, perhaps the only man she would ever see for the rest of her days, and felt her heart swell in her chest. Another tear rolled down her cheek. I love you, she had thought, but had not said aloud. And she could not believe she had thought it, but as the days went by, the thought only became more clear in her mind, not less.
She allowed Chakotay to experience the incredible sense of heartbreak and loss that she had felt when they had received Tuvok's call. She had not been upset about returning to Voyager or to their crew, but she replayed for him their last moments on the planet, both in uniform once again, and her own thoughts, I cannot look back. I can only look forward, straight ahead. I must forget what I cannot have.
But despite her vow, she could not forget, not that night, nor the night on the holographic Lake George, nor the night before their failed slipstream attempt, nor the night after the Equinox incident. She could not forget after their return from Quarra, nor after he'd been possessed by Teero, nor when Admiral Janeway gave her the news about Chakotay's future marriage to Seven. I never forgot, Chakotay, she said. I never turned away. I only seemed to.
Kathryn? She heard the word, clear and solid in her mind.
Yes, it's me. Do you know who you are?
I'm… I'm Chakotay. The voice seemed hesitant at first, but then it repeated, I'm Chakotay.
Yes!
I am Chakotay.
With a gasp, Kathryn opened her eyes. She felt his fingers move over hers. She squeezed his hand and felt him squeeze back. Then her gaze found his face, and slowly, Chakotay's eyes opened.
"Kathryn?" he rasped, his voice scratchy from disuse.
"Yes," was all she could manage to say as she leaned over him, cupping his cheek in her hand, her tears falling onto his face and onto the blue sickbay blanket.
He looked at her, and she could tell he was trying to smile, but then his eyes closed again. "Doctor! Doctor!" she cried.
The EMH, who had been standing a few feet away watching the monitor, came rushing to the biobed as Janeway called, Dr. Crusher close behind him.
"He was… He was awake. He said my name." The tears were still rolling down her cheeks, and she made no move to wipe them away. Chakotay's hand was still in hers.
The Doctor scanned Chakotay with a medical tricorder, urgently at first, but then she saw the hologram relax. "He's fine, Captain. He's just asleep. He came out of the coma. He's going to be all right."
Janeway sagged against the biobed, and Dr. Crusher was at her side, a warm arm around her, holding her up. "Now, Captain," she said, "it's time for you to get some rest."
"Yes," the EMH agreed, "and to get that myo-neural cortical array removed."
For once, Kathryn was too tired to argue. Her eyes remaining on Chakotay's peaceful form, she allowed Crusher to lead her to an adjoining biobed and sedate her.