Your feelings are your own

Now you keep 'em under lock and key.

"What's the deal with her?"

"Hm?" Kaoru asked, finally looking up from the sketches in front of him.

After Hikaru had dragged his younger brother off to their bedroom to work on their designs for an upcoming release deadline, the older twin had done nothing but pace around their room and rant.

Kaoru chewed on the tip of the pencil in his hand. "Didn't we agree to get along with her?"

"That doesn't mean we have to talk to her all the time."

"I wasn't just going to leave her!" Kaoru protested. "Tono would have killed me if he found out I left an injured girl alone."

The older designer's brow furrowed in confusion as he sat across from his brother at their desk. "How did you run into her anyway?"

"You saw how upset she was at the end of club. I went looking for her after she practically tore out of the limo. The thing was barely in park before she was running up the driveway," he muttered. His attention turned back to the sketch. It was for a shoot for an editorial on their company by a magazine in Tokyo.

"No, not that color. Blue is better," Hikaru stated as he looked at the swatches they had put next to the outline.

"How dark?"

He shrugged. "The same shade as her eyes."

"This one?"

"Yeah, that works."

Kaoru looked at the dimensions on the sheet across from him. "We should raise the waistline a bit. It'll make her legs look longer." His brother agreed silently by looking to the next sketch.

"How many pictures did they say they wanted of her?"

"Just a few on her own. But the cover one is with us."

Hikaru groaned. "You didn't tell me we would have to be featured, too. I haven't even looked at what we'll wear."

The younger twin just rolled his eyes and chuckled softly. "Calm down, we've got plenty of time."

"'A few weeks,' isn't 'plenty of time,' Kaoru!"

"We've put together cosplays for the boss with way less time," Kaoru pointed out. "Relax. It'll be fine."

". . . I still don't like her," he huffed.

"You don't have to," Kaoru sighed.

"Yes, I do."

The amber-eyed boy looked up at his brother again, no longer sketching the outline for winter pea coat. "Why do you need to like Missy-san?"

Now it was Hikaru's turn to roll his eyes. "Because you seem to like her. And Haruhi likes her, I think. And Hani-senpai. Actually, everyone seems to like her," he admitted.

"Hani-senpai likes everyone," his brother countered. "That's not that impressive. And I suppose I don't have a problem with her, but you're more important to me anyway. We need to get along with her professionally, but I don't plan on spending tons of time with her."

" . . . promise?"

"I promise, Hikaru."

" . . . Kaoru?"

"What, Hikaru?"

"I think she likes you more than she likes me. . ."

Kaoru brushed off the comment, though he did have his suspicions that his brother was correct. After all, he had taken some time to converse with the girl while Hikaru had just insulted her from a distance. "That's unlikely."

"She said your name first."

"That doesn't mean anything."

" . . . What if it does?"

"What if it doesn't?" Kaoru countered his brother.

He didn't know how much longer he could keep this conversation up. After all, Hikaru was never this insecure. But it made sense to him.

They played the 'Which one is 'Hikaru'?' game too often for Kaoru not to notice the effect it had. Over and over they played, never changing the name. People called them 'Hikaru and Kaoru.' As if that was the only order their names could fit in. As if, they had become one homogeneous being, that could only exist in such a manner. And for awhile, that's what they said they wanted.

But they always looked so sad when someone had guessed wrong. Tamaki had been right about that.

Because it wasn't what they wanted.

Kaoru was tired. He was tired of Hikaru being the face of two, even though their faces were identical. They followed Hikaru's plans. They did what Hikaru said.

How come they never played the 'Which one is 'Kaoru'?' game? It had probably never occurred to his older brother that Kaoru wanted to be recognized, wanted to be acknowledged. After all, there was safety in his brother's shadow. There was a sort of comfort in working behind the scenes of their relationship, just as Kyoya did with Tamaki. He kept things working. He gave in, he compromised. He understood his brother's emotions when they were too much for him. He sacrificed, and he gave things up for his brother when he could.

He had never resented him for that. Truly, he loved his brother. He couldn't resent his brother for acting selfish, because Kaoru had always allowed it, even encouraged it. He gave where his brother took, and he had been doing it for so long, he began to wonder if he even minded. And he wondered if he could live any other way. Truly, Hikaru was not to blame.

And yet.

There was a void that Kaoru was only recently beginning to recognize. Once Haruhi had begun to separate them in a way that only their father had ever been able to consistently do, the change had begun.

The spell was falling apart, and the carriage would turn into a pumpkin.

The cohesive relationship that they had built would have to change if they were going to be able to mature and live their own lives, independently from one another.

And that was scary. So scary that Kaoru had been ignoring those feelings for so long that he had almost forgotten that he had wanted to be told apart, to let his face represent his own actions.

But, and so carelessly so, she had reminded him.

She had reminded him that he wanted more. That he wanted to be part of a set, and himself.

But he still didn't know how to merge the two ideologies, the two desires without shattering one or the other. Perhaps it was a matter of choosing one or the other. Perhaps he could not have both.

So what did he want?

Did he want people to know who he was? Did he want to be recognized? Did he want to step out of the shadow his brother had created, or would he remain a mystery to others? He wrestled with the idea every day. Because once he separated, once they became independent, there would be no returning to who they once were.

"What's that?"

Hikaru's statement pulled his younger brother from his thoughts, his gaze riveted on the sketch he had been absently working on.

Before him was a drawing of a loose fitting tank, long on either side and short in the center and back, sheer from the top of the bust to the collar, over a pair of scale patterned leggings. Kaoru smirked, recognizing that he was drawing women's activewear. He had never even considered the market before, and yet, here he was, absent-mindedly planning something.

A feeling washed over him like water being dumped on his head and he sucked in a breath to fight off the shiver that went down his spine.

So this is what it's like to be affected by someone? To be acknowledged is to be changed in some way or another.

And suddenly, Kaoru understood his brother so much better.

His fascination with Haruhi made sense now. Kaoru certainly cared for the cross-dressing host. She was the first to tell him apart, the first they chose to let into their world. But somehow, she had always managed to have a different effect on Hikaru than she had on him. He had always assumed it had something to do with his brother, but maybe it was something to do with her.

Haruhi could reach Hikaru in a way that few people ever could. Was it possible that there were others that could hold the same sway? Was it possible that someone could affect him in that way, too?

These thoughts swirled around in Kaoru's mind, crashing against the recesses of his mind, opening memories and ideas he had long since forgotten existed. Endless possibilities and plans. His imagination was running rampant as though he had been recently unbridled, allowed to roam beyond the boundary that being a twin required.

Perhaps the acknowledgement of another was all it would take to change him. Perhaps the difference between the two girls was enough to compensate for the difference between him and his brother.

"Kaoru? Are you done spacing off?" Hikaru asked, flicking his brother in the forehead with a teasing smile.

"Sorry," the younger brother chuckled. "I'm just a bit distracted today."

A look flashed across Hikaru's eyes. "You said she wasn't important."

"And I meant it."

But they both knew he was lying.

Because even though they didn't know how or why, someone was approaching their circle, running her slender fingers over the barrier that blocked their world from everyone else's, deciding whether or not she had the strength to shatter the glass. Hikaru wasn't ready to let anyone else in.

Kaoru was.

And it was his turn to be acknowledged. His turn to be recognized, to be changed. Kaoru ran his hands over the paper, fingers tracing the outline of graphite and smudging the edges.

Yes, it was too late now.

He never even had a chance.

A/N: This chapter is not about Kaoru falling in love. This is him acknowledging the imminent separation, and that his circle must expand once again. It's him recognizing the difference between the two brothers, and how different people affect them. I just wanted to make that clear if it wasn't obvious.

Replies: Guys, I'm trying not to be the kind of author that's bitchy and just wants reviews, but my goodness, I spend so much time on this story and there are 120 of you following this thing. Drop a line, give me some thoughts. If you want a better story, give me something to work with. If you want faster updates, talk to me. I have completed chapters just SITTING in my docs because I don't have the heart to post them. Okay, enough ranting. Sorry about that.

Wendy imouto chan: It's great to hear from you again! author-senpai? That makes me feel so old! Haha, I'm glad you ship it because that's basically the story right there. Kaoru and Missy, being cute.

Guest: I hope you're still following this story even though you aren't logged in! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Lucifer Dragonlordh: Ugh, your words were exactly what I needed to hear. Pacing is a pain in the ass and I'm constantly freaking out because I always want to skip to the cute parts that are fun to write, but noooooo, stories need exposition and build and plot and character development and all that bullshit. Glad you feel that same way I do!