XI.

Kathryn Janeway stood on the dock overlooking Lake George. The water lapped against the shore in gentle ripples. A soft breeze floated over the bay, providing relief from the hot sun. Somewhere high up above, a bird called from a tree. Across the water, a large boat left a trail of white wake behind it as it crossed the horizon. Kathryn took a deep breath. The air at Lake George smelled sweet and fresh, so different from San Francisco, or the sterile environment of a starship.

She let herself enjoy the moment of peace and quiet and thought back to the last moment she had stood on this dock. I guess I am alone, after all. The thought reverberated through her with the heaviness of truth. After everything, she was right back where she had started, standing on the dock at Lake George overlooking the water. Alone. The thought was still tinged with melancholy, but she was starting to accept it.

Garrett's conviction a few days earlier had been a triumph. He was awaiting transfer to New Zealand, where he would serve out his life sentence. Until then, he was being held under maximum security at Starfleet Headquarters. Dr. Zupanich had plead guilty to assault and treason to the Federation, and had been sentenced to twenty-five years to life, but with the possibility of parole should he be willing to undergo counseling. She understood from the EMH that Torstin had already scheduled his first counseling session. Many of the other crew members from the space station had received minor sentences or had been dishonorably discharged from Starfleet. Commander Teral remained in a Federation prison, apparently abandoned by the Romulan government. She still refused to speak to anyone from Starfleet, even when confronted about Garrett's testimony regarding her desire to defect from the Romulan Empire. The space station itself awaited dismantlement by the Advanced Technologies Division.

Kathryn and the rest of the participants in the trial had been released from their quarantine. She'd had to fight off several reporters which had prompted her to escape to the lake. Chakotay had recovered and, it seemed, would suffer no long-term ill effects as the result of his assimilation. Everything had been restored to the way it should be. So why didn't she feel triumphant? Why didn't she feel secure? The look in Garrett's eyes from across the courtroom haunted her. He should have been dejected, defeated, but instead he had seemed confident and mocking. Further, she had expected some covert communication from Captain Braxton — anything that said, 'Well done, Janeway,' or, 'You accomplished your mission.' But there had been nothing. She knew that there were many possible explanations for Braxton's silence. He could have felt contacting her again was too risky, or he might have been discovered by his superiors. She tried to tell herself that this must be the case.

She'd gone for a run that afternoon and was still dripping in sweat as she stood on the dock. She went to the sauna and changed into her bathing suit, deciding that a plunge into the refreshing waters of the lake would do her good. As she felt the soft lake water envelop her, she smiled.

Lake George had been a constant in her life since she had been a baby. She'd come to visit her grandparents here every summer, and even after they'd passed away, she had continued to make annual trips. The place was her sanctuary, unchanging, filled with natural beauty, quiet and peaceful compared to the bustle of San Francisco and Starfleet Headquarters. It had always been a place where she could recharge and reflect.

Reflection was something she sorely needed now. Now that Garrett had been convicted, Starfleet was reviewing Voyager's status and trying to decide what to do with her Borg components and technology from the future, as well as elements gleaned from various alien races that they had met along the way. The starship's fate was still undecided, as was Janeway's.

She still had almost three weeks of leave remaining, which she had decided to spend at Lake George. But she was unsure about what she would do after that. In the end, Starfleet had done the right thing where Garrett was concerned, but their reluctance to do so initially left her wondering whether it was the same organization she'd vowed to serve all those years ago. Would her time be better spent elsewhere? But if so, where? What would she do, if she wasn't a captain? She didn't know.

Everything about their return to Earth had turned out so differently from what she had hoped. And while Garrett's conviction and Chakotay's recovery had eased her burden, she still felt a sense of uncertainty about her own future and the path she should follow.

She missed Chakotay's friendship and counsel. He had asked her, again, after the trial, if they could spend some time together. She had told him politely that she would be at Lake George for the remainder of her leave, and that he and Seven were more than welcome to visit any time. She sensed that he had wanted more from her, but she didn't know what else she could say to him, not while keeping the distance that she needed to maintain in order to respect his relationship with Seven.

As she swam in and out from the shore, the picture came to her mind, unbidden, of what it would be like to have him there with her. He would love it here, she thought. She imagined him swimming beside her and then diving under the water to grab her and tickle her, or pull her under. She thought they could lie together on the dock afterwards, soaking up the sun as it dried the droplets of water from their bodies. She imagined him propping himself up on one elbow to run his hand over her body…

Stop! she told herself. These fantasies were pointless. None of these things would ever happen. Chakotay was with Seven now, and as far as she could tell, they were happy together. Her life would have to proceed along a different course, one that included Chakotay as her friend, but nothing more. Maybe someday, there will be someone else, she told herself. But right now, it's time to move on. It's time to live my life here in the Alpha Quadrant.

"That was delicious, Seven," Chakotay said as he wiped his mouth and put his napkin on top of his empty plate. "Thank you."

"It is my pleasure. Why don't you rest while I clean up?"

"I should clean up. You cooked."

"You are still recovering. I can see that you are tired. Please." She gestured to one of the comfortable chairs in his temporary quarters.

"All right." As soon as he stood from his chair, he realized that Seven was right. He was exhausted. He was still trying to puzzle out everything that had occurred since the night he and Seven had been abducted from her bedroom. His own mind had been out of his control for weeks, and his memories of that time were fuzzy. He remembered watching his own hand repair a conduit, as if it were not his hand. He remembered firing a phaser at men and women in Starfleet uniforms; he had learned from Seven that this had been part of one of Garrett's holodeck battle simulations. He could only feel relief that Garrett's experiment had been stopped when it had, and that he had not committed any truly heinous act while under Garrett's influence. He shuddered. Control of his mind had been taken away from him too many times for his liking.

And then there were the memories. His own memories seemed to be intact, but it also seemed he could remember some moments from Kathryn's point of view. This was something he had wanted to ask her about, but there had never been time to speak with her alone, and every time he had tried, she had brushed him off, or they had been interrupted by Seven. Was it possible that the thoughts in his mind that seemed to belong to her were hallucinations? Wishful thinking? Perhaps even memories placed there by Garrett in attempts at further manipulation? Chakotay sighed, the thoughts whirling round in his mind only making him feel more tired. He ordered a cup of herbal tea from the replicator and had only taken a few sips before he set it down and let his eyes slip closed.

From the kitchen, Seven watched Chakotay's eyes close. She was not surprised that he had fallen asleep so quickly. Although he tried to pretend that he was feeling as strong as he had before their ordeal, she could tell that he was still recovering. Ever since he had awoken in the Enterprise's sickbay, things had not been the same between her and Chakotay. It had taken Seven several days to realize that this was not just due to the fact that Chakotay had been injured. Outwardly, his behavior had not changed. He was solicitous and generous. Since Garrett's trial had ended, they had spent much of their free time together. But Seven felt a growing distance between them.

She'd heard Tom use an expression once, "the elephant in the room." She thought perhaps she was beginning to understand that phrase. There were things she had seen and experienced when she had been linked to Chakotay, memories, images and feelings that she did not understand. She wanted to ask him about them, but she'd been afraid to, fearing that he would think she had invaded his privacy.

In his chair, Chakotay twitched, moaning in his sleep. He was dreaming, she realized. She put down the dish towel that had been in her hand and approached his chair slowly. If he was having a nightmare, surely she should wake him. "No," he murmured. "No, Kathryn…" Somehow, hearing the captain's name on his lips did not surprise her.

"Chakotay," she said, gently shaking his shoulder, "Chakotay, wake up."

"Huh? Kath…" Chakotay jolted awake, his eyes taking a minute to focus on the woman in front of him. "Seven."

"You were having a nightmare."

He looked around, realizing he was still sitting in the chair. "I'm sorry. I must have dozed off."

"The last few weeks have taken a toll on you," she replied. "Remain there. I will get you a fresh cup of tea." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Chakotay bury his head in his hands as she went to the replicator and ordered two cups of herbal tea.

"Thank you," he said as she handed him one steaming hot mug and sat down in the chair across from him.

"What were you dreaming?"

"I, uh… I don't remember."

"You seemed distraught."

"That's not surprising, I guess. I've been feeling pretty confused lately, to tell you the truth."

"What do you feel confused about?" Seven asked, feeling like this just might be the way into a conversation about the 'elephant in the room.'

"My memories from the past few weeks, they're all jumbled up. I'm having a hard time sorting out what's real and what's not."

"Perhaps I can help. I have a great deal of experience with assimilation."

Chakotay examined her face for any sign of sarcasm or torment at the idea, but he could detect only an honest desire to help. "Did Garrett alter my memory in any way?"

"No. In fact, at least some part of your memories remained intact throughout your assimilation. Garrett wasn't able to erase them completely."

"So he couldn't have used a false memory to try and manipulate me somehow?"

"No, I think I would have been aware if he had attempted that. The captain and I both tried to reach you through your memories, though."

"You did?" Now he saw Seven's face flush, and she looked away from him.

"It was the only way to reach you," she said softly. "I was afraid that Admiral Garrett would erase your individuality completely. It was only by appealing to your deeply held memories that we could reach you." She paused. "I apologize for violating your privacy."

"What did you see?"

"Memories of your life. A woman calling you inside for dinner."

"My mother," he supplied.

"You, arguing with someone about going to Starfleet Academy."

"My father."

"You were angry. In the Maquis. You were killing people. Lieutenant Torres was there."

"Yes. I was very angry back then."

"Your arrival on Voyager."

He could tell she was withholding something by the way she refused to look at him and the pink color of her cheeks. "And?"

"Perhaps this is not an appropriate time to have this conversation."

"Why not? I've been thinking about it for days. I need to understand what happened." He placed his hand over hers gently. "What else did you see, Seven? It's okay to tell me. I promise I won't be upset."

"You were… carving a large piece of stone in the clearing of a forest. It was for a bathtub."

"And?"

"You were holding the captain's hand across a table. The captain was crying, and you wanted to comfort her." Seven paused. "I was trying to reach you, Chakotay. You weren't responding. I had to go deeper."

"What else did you see?"

"The captain was dying. You were crying. You were afraid, shouting at her not to die. Then, you were with the captain on the deck of a boat, drinking champagne. You were holding her hand. You never wanted that moment to end."

Chakotay took a deep breath, his hands on his knees. He looked straight ahead. "Those things all happened, Seven. A long time ago."

"You told Captain Janeway you thought she should throw me out of an airlock."

He looked at her now. "That was before I knew you."

"You wanted me to be her." Seven's tone was not accusatory; she was simply stating a fact.

"What? When?"

"When I was trying to reach you, when the nanoprobes were rewriting your neural pathways, you called out for the captain."

"The captain and I are old friends. We've known each other a long time…"

Seven shook her head, a slow, gentle movement, and smiled softly. The situation was becoming more clear to her now. "You have feelings for me, Chakotay, as I have feelings for you. But these are feelings of friendship, affection, perhaps, attraction, maybe, on some level. But your feelings for Captain Janeway…" Seven trailed off, her eyes becoming far away. "You never wanted that moment to end. Never." She looked back at him. "I hope that one day, I can experience such deep feelings for someone."

"I'm sure you will, Seven. Just give it time."

"Perhaps. But not for you. Not now that I know the way you feel for the captain."

"That was a long time ago, Seven. Things have changed."

"Have they?"

He let out another long sigh. "Even if I still had… have… feelings for Kathryn, she doesn't reciprocate them. She's made that clear."

Seven crossed her arms over her chest and sat back against the couch. "Perhaps I need to return to the Doctor and ask him for further lessons on human behavior. You and the captain both perplex me."

"What do you mean, Seven? Did she say something to you? Did you experience something through the neural link?"

Seven smiled an enigmatic smile. "You said that things have changed, Chakotay. Have they really? Just ask yourself that. And maybe you should ask the captain, too."

"I don't think she wants to talk to me. I've been trying to have this conversation with Kathryn for days. She always finds a way to avoid it."

Another piece of the puzzle clicked into place in Seven's mind. The conflicting emotions she had felt from the captain during their link suddenly made sense. "The captain does not wish to interfere in your relationship with me."

"What?"

"She has been avoiding speaking to you because she does not want to interfere in our happiness." She paused. "The captain is always first to place the happiness of those she cares about above her own."

"That's true." Chakotay sat back in his chair and sipped his tea. Could Seven be right? Had he really misunderstood Kathryn's reticence so completely? It wouldn't be the first time he had failed to understand a woman's motivation.

"You should talk to her, Chakotay."

"I've tried, but…"

"Our relationship will no longer stand in your way."

"Seven… are you breaking up with me?" Chakotay asked, surprised to find that he wasn't all that upset at the thought.

"I am merely… suggesting that we explore other options."

"You're a remarkable young woman, Seven," Chakotay said, caressing her cheek in his palm and placing a kiss on her forehead. "I think that someday you will get to have those feelings you talked about for someone. And whoever he is, he's going to be pretty lucky."

Seven blushed. "Thank you, Chakotay. I am grateful to be counted among your friends."

"Same."

"And I wish you all the best with the captain." They stood. She gave him a quick hug and turned to go, then whirled back to him. "Think about it."

Seven was gone, and Chakotay was, once again, alone. But instead of answering his questions, Seven had left him even more confused than before.

The lake was calm, the water still save for a myriad of small ripples that made the blue lake shimmer. The sun, dipping low in the sky, cast a long ray of sparkling light across the water. It was golden, but so bright that it almost appeared to be white. The only sounds that could be heard were the gentle lapping of water against the shore and the sound of a distant boat crossing the lake. The trees on the opposite shoreline appeared as silhouettes against the brightness of the sun's rays.

Kathryn Janeway sat on the edge of the dock, her feet dangling a few inches above the water. Watching the Lake George sunset from the edge of the dock was a nightly tradition when she was at the lake, a tradition that went all the way back to her early teenage years. Although the sun was dipping low in the sky, she could still feel its warmth on her face, and she smiled.

The sound of a man's voice interrupted the peaceful moment. "Kathryn! Kathryn?"

Her breath stopped in her throat. She stood up from her perch on the edge of the dock and turned around to see Chakotay striding down the hill, past the Janeway family house and towards the lake shore. "Chakotay?"

"There you are!" he exclaimed as he saw her on the edge of the dock.

"This is a surprise," she said as she walked to meet him on the grass where the dock met the land.

"You said there was an open invitation. I hope I didn't misunderstand."

"No, not at all. Of course you're welcome. Is Seven with you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I wanted to spend time with you, just the two of us."

"Shouldn't you be resting?"

He tilted his face towards the setting sun and smiled. "I've had plenty of time to rest. It's a beautiful evening, and I feel wonderful."

"I'm glad to hear it. It's good to see you back to your old self." She paused, unsure what to make of his sudden appearance. In spite of her best efforts to be unaffected by his presence and her resolve only the day before to move on with her life, she could not deny the joy that rose in her at the simple fact of him being there. She tried to quash the feeling, knowing full well that it was misplaced.

He looked around, taking in the beautiful view before his eyes came to rest on her again. His gaze moved from her loose hair down the lines of her sun dress, all the way to her toes and back up to her eyes. It took him a moment to find his voice again. "So this is the real Lake George."

"Yes." She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry. I'm being a terrible hostess. Can I get you something to drink?"

"Water, thanks."

"I'll just run up to the house and get it. I'll be right back."

Chakotay nodded, and she hurried up to the house, trying to hide the flush in her cheeks. Damn it, Kathryn, she scolded herself. What happened to moving on? As she grabbed two glasses from the cabinet and poured some water, she wondered again what had brought him here so unexpectedly. He didn't seem agitated or upset. Perhaps he was just being friendly. He wanted to thank her for helping to save his life on the space station. Yes, she thought. That must be it. She took the two glasses of water back down to the lake, where she found Chakotay sitting cross legged on the dock, looking out at the setting sun. He patted the wooden dock beside him. "Join me."

She hesitated. Sitting beside him watching the sunset seemed too intimate, somehow, for a friendly conversation between old colleagues. Yet she also wanted nothing more than to be close to him, and he had offered. She handed him a glass of water and sat down beside him.

There was not a cloud in the sky, and the sun's rays cast a golden glow across the entire horizon. A pontoon boat drove by, only a few feet from the dock. On the boat was an older couple, and they greeted Chakotay and Kathryn. "Wonderful evening," the woman said.

"Yes, it is," Chakotay replied, waving. The boat went on its way, leaving a trail of ripples behind it.

Kathryn did not look at Chakotay. She took in a deep breath of sweet smelling air and could not help the smile that crept onto her face.

He finally broke the silence. "What are you grinning about?"

Her expression immediately sobered as she realized she had let herself get carried away. "Nothing," she answered quickly. "Now, tell me what I can do for you today."

"Hmm," he murmured. "What you can do for me? I can think of a lot of things."

His tone was teasing, flirty, a tone he hadn't used with her in years. It made her heart ache. "Be serious, Chakotay. Why did you come to see me?"

"I just wanted to see you. Am I not welcome here, Kathryn?"

She sighed. "No, of course you're welcome. I just… You made the whole trip from San Francisco. I could have not even been here. You must have had a reason."

"I did," he said slowly. "I do."

"Then what is it? Do you need me to talk to Starfleet Command about your career? Do you need help contacting a family member?" She paused. "Advice on a problem with Seven?"

Chakotay chuckled. "I can't come to see you if I don't need something from you?"

Kathryn opened her mouth to retort and then paused. "I'm sorry. I guess I've gotten so used to everyone needing something from me that I assumed…"

"Tom Paris has a saying about assuming."

"Which is?"

"If you 'assume' something, it just makes an 'ass' out of 'you' and 'me,'" Chakotay deadpanned.

Mid-sip, Kathryn burst into laughter and choked on her water, the laugh turning into a spluttering cough. Laughing too, Chakotay clapped her on the back. "You okay there?" he asked.

Recovering her breath, still fighting against laughter, she managed to answer, "Yes." She took another sip. "So that's Tom's saying?"

"One of his twentieth century things I imagine. I heard it from Seven." Kathryn seemed to physically withdraw from him at the mention of Seven's name, and her face, which had a moment earlier been alight with joy, fell.

"I see," she said, her voice suddenly emotionless.

"Kathryn," he said gently, "Seven and I are through. We're not together anymore."

Kathryn turned slowly to look at Chakotay's face, wondering if she had heard correctly. It appeared that she had, because he was looking at her earnestly. "Chakotay, I'm sorry."

"It's all right."

So that's why he's here, she thought. Seven broke up with him and he retreated to me, his friend, because he needed someone to talk to about it.

"What do you remember about our time in Garrett's collective?" he asked her.

"What?" Having expected him to continue to talk about his break-up, the question threw her off guard.

"Our link, through the hive mind, do you remember it?"

"I do."

"That's good. Because I'm having trouble sorting through some of what I remember. I was hoping you could help me."

"I'll do my best."

"Seven told me that my memory centers were the last to be affected. She said that she tried to reach me through my memories when Garrett and Zupanich were rewriting my neural pathways." He paused. "She said that you did, too."

Kathryn nodded slowly. "Seven explained how to do it. I was afraid that you were already… gone."

"I heard you telling me not to let go. I knew that you were there. You told me to hold on."

"Yes."

"And then I have these memories that I don't understand. I remember sitting next to you in your ready room when you told me about Mark's letter. I told you that we had plenty of time, and you… you wanted me to kiss you. But you didn't say that out loud."

She stared at him, dumbfounded, her heart pounding in her chest.

"And that night we went sailing on Lake George on the holodeck." He gestured at the real Lake George in front of them. "The first time we were here together, we drank champagne and I held you in my arms, and you wanted… you wished it could be like that between us all of the time."

"I never wanted that moment to end," she said softly.

"And on New Earth, when I told you the angry warrior legend, you thought…" He didn't finish the sentence this time. He didn't want to speak the words for her. He peered into her eyes. "How can I remember these things, Kathryn? Was I hallucinating? Because those things never happened, and you never told me."

"I shared those memories with you," she replied quietly. "I couldn't reach you. I kept calling out to you, but there was no response. It was as though you were… as though you were already dead, erased, turned into a mindless drone. I kept having to go deeper, into the most… the most intimate memories that we shared. And then I shared my memories of those moments with you, hoping I could reach you." She paused. "I guess it worked."

"So those memories are real?"

She gave him a lopsided smile. "That's the way I remember it." He looked away from her, trying to absorb this information, and she cleared her throat awkwardly. "I saw some things, too, Chakotay, memories of yours that I didn't understand."

"Oh?" Now it was his turn to pull away, nervous about what she had seen.

"You were talking to me, but a younger version of me, and I don't remember anything about it."

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "I can't tell you. Temporal Prime Directive."

"The day you burned out the deflector dish," she supplied. "Well, I know some of it now. And I know what happened after you left my quarters that night, how it was the moment you decided to… move on. To let go." She lowered her eyes, focusing on a small spider as it crawled along the slats of the dock.

He spoke very quietly, "I never forgot. I never turned away. I only seemed to."

Her eyes jerked to his face. They were her own words, the words she had told him as she desperately tried to connect with him. "But… but what about Seven?"

"Seven told me that she hopes someday she can experience true love. With somebody else."

"But you let go. You decided to move on. I heard your thoughts."

"Then you also know how sad that idea made me feel. Had we not gotten home, yes, I might have moved on. I would've had no choice. I knew we could never… explore our feelings out there, but now…" He trailed off. "Have you moved on? Those feelings I experienced in your memories, are they only in the past now?"

She didn't trust herself to answer him out loud, and her lip trembled as she shook her head, reaching for his hands. The first touch of skin on skin, his big hands encompassing her small ones, was electric, as though a current surged through both of them.

"Kathryn," he whispered.

"Yes?"

"I'm going to kiss you now."

She could only nod, having lost the power of speech as his lips inched closer to hers. And then she could feel the softness of his mouth, his lips moving over hers. She ran her tongue over those soft lips until his mouth opened, and they tasted each other for the first time, tongues tangling and exploring. He released her hands so he could embrace her, pulling her against him with one strong arm while the other hand cradled the back of her head. Her arms wound their way around him, too, skimming over the hardness of the muscles under his shirt.

He broke the kiss and pulled her into a tight embrace, crushing her body against his. She clung to him as if for dear life and felt the tears welling up inside her. She let out a sob against his shoulder, and he loosened his grip on her body so he could crush his lips to hers again. There was nothing gentle about this second kiss. It was primal, needy, hungry, and she moaned as his mouth plundered hers. When he broke the kiss, they were both gasping for air, still clinging tightly to each other. The sun had begun to dip below the trees across the lake. "I never want this moment to end," Kathryn whispered. And for several moments, they didn't move. She savored the feeling of having his arms around her, the sound of his heart beating in his chest, the smell of him, the way it felt to be in his arms.

Finally, he pulled back, holding her at arm's length. "I don't think I can make this moment last forever," he said softly, "but I can give you many more like it."

"Many?" she asked, grinning devilishly. "How many?"

His expression became serious. "A lifetime's worth, if you want." The emotions that had been hovering just below the surface rose into her throat, and a tear rolled down her cheek. He lifted one finger to wipe the tear away. "All those years ago, when I told you that legend, and you cried like this, I wanted to do that, but I was too afraid."

She leaned forward and kissed him. "All those years ago when you told me that legend, that was the first time I realized that I loved you."

He pulled her into his side, wrapping one arm around her shoulders. She leaned her head against his chest, placing one hand over his heart. "I love you, Kathryn Janeway," he whispered in her ear.

She looked out at the golden sunlight still gleaming over the tops of the trees across the lake. "Is this real?" she asked. "Can this be happening?"

"Seems pretty real to me," he answered, leaning down to nibble on her ear as he spoke. "But if you need convincing, I'm sure I could figure out a way."

She turned her face up to his. "That sounds like a good idea. Wouldn't want to have any doubts."

He stood suddenly, grabbing her hand and pulling her up with him. She screeched in surprise as he lifted her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck and looked up at him as he carried her up the bank towards the house. When they reached the stairs leading up to the porch, he set her down. She leaned forward and kissed him, long, slow and tantalizing, and then reached for his hand to lead him inside.