A/N: I. Will. Say. This. Once.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY FUCKING STORY THEN DON'T FUCKING READ IT YOU SELF-CENTERED, BIGOTED, HOLIER-THAN-THOU FUCKING JACK HOLES! WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU TRY WRITING SOMETHING TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY?! HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU PUT ALL YOUR EFFORT INTO MAKING SOMETHING PEOPLE WILL ENJOY, WHILE STILL TRYING TO GO BACK AND FIX YOUR EARLIER MISTAKES SO IT ALL STILL WORKS, AND THEN SOME FUCKING JACKASS CAME ALONG AND POURED FUCKING ACID ON YOU HARD WORK AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE
"I hope you see this you filthy cunt. Do something better with your life, if you cannot write a half decent piece of writing. Dumbass."
YEAH STIEG, I'M CALLING YOU OUT ON YOUR BULLSHIT. YOU HAVE CROSSED THE GODDAMN LINE YOU COCKSUCKING, DUNG CHEWING, CAMEL FUCKING DOUCHE MUFFIN! I DON'T SEE YOUR FUCKING SHITTY ASS STORIES ANYWHERE YOU FUCK! AT LEAST I HAVE PEOPLE ADMIRING MY WORK! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?! INSULT ME ALL THE FUCK YOU WANT, BUT WHEN YOU STRIKE AT MY WORK THAT I HAVE BEEN REPETEDLY TOLD IS LOVED, BASICALLY TELLING ME TO SAY FUCK IT AND QUIT, LEAVING MY LOYAL READERS WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT STICK A THUMB UP THEIR ASSES, THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A GODDAMNED CHAINSAW COVERED IN TWENTY-GRIT SANDPAPER, YOU INBRED JACKASS.
*Breaths out a large puff of rage* And 'Shadows of me' the same fucking rant goes for you. Then don't waste your time, you stupid fuck. But I will not lie down and take such bullshit from someone who has no stories posted, therefore, your opinion does not fucking matter. Get bent.
As for everyone else, thank you for you reviews. I greatly appreciate all of your feedback. And keep in mind, my dear readers; Constructive Criticism- I appreciate. Haters- I have fun with. Absolute Douchemuffins- I ignore. People telling me that all you lovelies are basically wasted space because they in particular didn't like my story, because I haven't actually gotten to the parts where it does actually get longer? I will call forth my friends in hell to make their souls burn forever in the fiery abyss. Only one person I want to fully directly address this time around.
Yano Uzumaki: Thank you! PM me, I can help you out! And it appears I can chalk up another Fanboy/girl? YAY!
Chapter 25: Encounters and Tora
"Why isn't Naruto helping?" Sakura whined as she pulled up several more clumps of weeds. Team Seven-Twelve had been an active squad for a week, and Sakura and Sasuke had quickly discovered the ire that is D-rank missions. Naruto, meanwhile, was lounging in a nearby tree, relaxing with his hands linked behind his head, and his right leg crossed over his left, while some straw stuck out of his mouth. Jozun looked up from the book he was reading under said tree and saw several Kage Bunshin running around throughout the farm they were currently at, doing a vast majority of the chores required. He stuck his nose back into the book.
"He is, Sakura, now stop whining and get back to weeding. Or would you rather do a work-out?" Naruto smirked from his position, though no-one saw it, but kept his eyes closed. He could see in his minds' eye Sakura paling and fervently ripping weeds from the ground.
"I see you're also using your masochistic and sadistic training methods as negative reinforcement, Jozun," he drawled. The Jounin chuckled.
"I learned from the best, sensei. Plus Anko gave me a few pointers." Kakashi gave a perverse giggle while Naruto groaned.
"Jozun, I was never your sensei. I helped your sensei."
"Eh, whatever. Far as I'm concerned, you are my sensei, just like Ita-sensei. You put just as much effort into teaching and helping us grow as Itachi did." Naruto just grunted and adjusted his head against the tree trunk. The rest of the 'mission' went much the same way, with the two actual Genin doing a meager task together while Naruto Clones ran around doing others, and the real blond relaxed and bantered with the two sensei of the team.
Finally, after several hours of labor, Sakura and Sasuke puffed over and sat down, groaning at their sore muscles, considering most of the things they'd done had consisted of hunching over and doing repetitive motions. Kakashi looked up from his Icha Icha, and saw them done, so he eye smiled.
"Well, done team! C'mon let's go get another mission." The two Genin rose and followed after the Cyclops like good little ducklings, while Jozun and Naruto rose and stretched, then followed at a more leisurely pace. They walked through the village in silence, and both ignored the glares from the civilians. Until one tried something about a block from the Mission building. It was funny, because this particular civvie was a retired Jounin, and had held Kagein the highest esteem, but absolutely hated Naruto. Irony was about to bitch-slap him in the face.
The man growled when he saw the blond with a Hiate-ate, then pulled a kunai- a habit he had never dropped from his Shinobi days- and charged before Jozun could register the danger. The man went to slash Naruto's face, but suddenly found himself on his knees, with his arms held behind his back painfully, and his own kunai at his throat. He blinked stupidly.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Naruto clucked as he pulled the mans' wrists together in his right hand and stretched them farther, causing the man to grimace. "A civilian should know better than to attack a Shinobi. Especially when that civilian is a retired Shinobi himself. For shame." the man growled when he heard the demon scolding him.
"You are no Shinobi, demon. I don't know who you tricked or killed, but that Hiate-ate is tainted by touching your flesh. I will not allow this farce to stand!" he then tried muscling his arms free, but only succeeded in straining them more within the Jinchuuriki's Adamantine grip. Naruto grinned at Jozun.
"Hear that, Sensei? Apparently, I'm not a Shinobi. And here I thought I was a Genin all this week." Jozun had to literally bite his tongue to stop from laughing.
"Well then I guess we've both been decieved, eh Naruto? Because I was pretty sure you passed your test also. Oh well, if you're not a Shinobi, then I guess you can take those Rinnegan of yours and leave the Village with no backlash, huh?" Every Shinobi within a three block radius froze at the word Rinnegan, and the still-restrained man took a sharp breath. Jozun and Naruto shared a grin. They absolutely loved pranks and dropping bombshells when people least expected it. Naruto decided to drop the Genjutsu Kakashi had placed over his eyes to avoid a situation.
"There is no way in hell this demon has the Rinnegan of legend!" spat the man. In answer, Naruto placed his foot in between the mans' shoulder blades, released his hands, and kicked him forward. The ex-Shinobi was up and facing the boy with two kunai drawn in reverse grip in less than a second. Naruto remained in a relaxed stance, his arms crossed, his purple eyes boring into the idiot. He let the view speak for itself. It didn't hurt he had four separate swords on his person. The soon-to-be-dead man charged at the Blond, bringing his kunai in a scissor cut, aiming to decapitate him in one move.
"Shinra Tensei," Naruto said with a bored voice, and suddenly, the idiot, along with at least a five-foot radius around the Rinnegan wielder, was blown back by a wave of Chakra. Using his Gravity Jutsu served two purposes: repelling the pitiful attack, and releasing a small Chakra pulse to alert the Hokage and ANBU that something was happening. The idiotic man rose and glared heatedly at the Blond. Meanwhile, other Civilians and Shinobi were gathering around in a fairly large circle, watching.
"Hey! He didn't do anything to you, you damn demon!" a civilian shouted, as he threw an empty beer bottle at Naruto's head. It was swatted away without any visible effort.
"In case you didn't notice," the boy said with a stony voice that made everyone shiver in fear. "He assaulted me for no reason. I merely defended myself."
"That's not what I saw!" said the same civilian, and all the other civilians shouted their agreement. Naruto leveled his ringed eyes on the Man who threw the bottle. Everyone gasped and took a step back.
"Unfortunately for you, what you saw doesn't matter. I have three credible witnesses, all of whom hold more weight in this Village than you. On top of that, this is now a Shinobi matter, and you, being a Civilian have no say whatsoever."
"Well who are you 'Credible witnesses'?" the Civilian sneered with obvious disdain.
"Jozun-sensei here, who happens to be head of the Sekazu Clan," Naruto thumbed in the direction of Jozun, who grinned ferally as everyone blanched at recognizing him. "Kakashi-sensei, up there," here, Naruto pointed at the roof of a building, where everyone turned to see the Silver-haired Jounin leaning against a chimney. "Who is an Elite Jounin, and has an implanted Sharingan as you all know. I would bet he memorised the entire event in case someone needs a full run through, like, say a Yamanaka. Am I right, Kakashi?"
"Yep!" the Copy Nin chirped.
"And third, my Jiji, the Hokage, who happens to be standing right behind you." the Civilian paled considerably and turned mechanically to see that the Genin had spoken the truth. Hiruzen was standing behind and slightly to the left of him, smoking his pipe. "Actually, Jij, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in the Mission room?" Hiruzen shrugged.
"I thought I'd meet you halfway and we could go to lunch together." Naruto smiled an nodded. "But first, it seems we must resolve this issue. Naruto-kun, you have permission to deal whatever justice you find sufficient." the Civilians gasped, but the Shinobi nodded understanding. Naruto grinned at the Ex-Jounin who had attacked him.
"Oh the beauty of being the grandson of the Hokage, a member of a clan, and the only wielder of a Kekkei Genkai."
"What shit are you spouting?!"
"Lemme put it this way, fuck-face: You pushed the 'Demon' Button. You shouldn'ta did that." (DBZ abridged reference!) The man roared and attacked again, swiping ferociously in quick succession, trying to kill Naruto. The blond merely swayed lazily out of the way of every swipe.
Why are Jounins so slow?
They're not. You're just fast.
Semantics. Naruto suddenly whipped out one of his Katana and blocked both kunai, which had been coming in for another scissor cut. The man seemed genuinely surprised that a Genin had stopped his attack with so little effort. He pushed all the harder, trying to overpower the brat. It was a futile prospect, but he didn't know that. Naruto pushed back, throwing the man backwards, then released his Katana and did a back-flip-kick that served two purposes. The first was that his foot hit the hilt of his Katana and launched it skyward. The second was that said foot kept going and connected with the man's chin, sending him reeling once more.
Naruto pulled his momentum continuously in a flip, and finally landed on his feet after somersaulting a few times. He dug his left heel in, then bolted forward, aiming to punch the man in the chest. The Man saw this and raised his Kunai in a position where the boy would impale himself if he didn't stop. Naruto smirked and chucked a kunai of his own, the did three quick Kawarimi so instead of a throwing knife flying ahead of him, his Katana was heading blade-first at high speed at the man. Green eyes widened in alarm.
"Shinra Tensei!" the push made the Katana blast forward even faster. It struck the man before he could even react, and impaled him right through the sternum, having been pushed with enough force to blast through the bone and cartilage. The tip sprouted from his back, and he fell to his knees, coughing up blood as he looked with wide eyes at the young Shinobi who had just decimated him inside of three moves. Naruto caught the falling kunai in a reverse grip and held the blade up under the dying mans' chin.
"Any last words?" he asked quietly, a disturbing gleam in his eyes.
"F-" the man was interrupted my another bloody cough. "Fuck... you... Demon..." with that, Naruto drove his kunai upward, through the mans' brain, ending him quickly, even though he would have died in like thirty seconds anyway. He left the kunai where it was, but planted his foot on the corpse's chest, wrapped both hands around the hilt of his katana, and gave a mighty tug, ripping it free of the quickly cooling body. Blood spewed from the hole, and the blond side-stepped quickly to abvoid getting sprayed. He then wiped both sides of the blade on the shirt of his latest victim, cleaning it of blood, and sheathed it in one fluid motion. He quickly turned and pointed at the man who had shouted earlier.
"Bansho Ten'in" the Civilian flew forward, into Naruto's waiting grip. Tanned fingers closed around his neck. "As a Shinobi of Konohakagure no Sato, I hereby place you under arrest for breaking the law set forth by the Third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, thirteen years ago." the man began quivering in fear as Naruto leaned forward an whispered in his ear. "Now you have a reason to call me a demon. If you insist on giving me a title, I intend to live up to it. Have fun with Ibiki."
A squad of ANBU appeared, quickly handcuffed the terrified man, who promptly wet himself as soon as he was out of Naruto's grip, and disappeared in four puffs of smoke. Naruto turned and walked away, the crowd clearing on either side of him. Hiruzen caught up quickly.
"Very impressive, Naruto-kun. But I must ask, why reveal your Rinnegan? I thought you were going to keep it a secret as long as possible."
"Well... that moron said I wasn't a Shinobi, so Jozun mentioned it and said I could leave the Village with no backlash, since according to him, I wasn't under Shinobi jurisdiction. You showed up right then, so you know the rest."
"You do realize the Council will try to force you into the CRI (A/N: Clan Resoration Initiative. Sometimes I get so tired of seeing Clan Restoration Act all the time, but it's the same thing, just a different name)?" Jozun said, having caught up after pushing through the gaping crowd. "And can I join you guys for lunch? I don't wanna go home."
"Stop forgetting your meds," Naruto yawned. Jozun frowned.
"I didn't forget them this time. I don't wanna go home because Kisa managed to convince Ita-sensei to go on a date with her, and she decided it would be lunch, today, in my house."
"Oh... then yeah, you can come. And the operative word with the CRI is try. Considering they only know I'm part of the Sarutobi clan, which is not in need of restoring, they can't do shit. It's their own fault for totally erasing all record of the Uzumaki Clan from Konoha's history. They hold absolutely no leverage over me." Jozun looked at the Ex-ANBU with awe.
"You had them check-mated before they even realised they were playing." Naruto just grinned an nodded. The three found themselves at one of the Barbecue restaurants owned by the Akimichi Clan, where Naruto was more than welcome, and went inside for lunch.
Time Skip- An Hour and a Half later in the Mission Room
"Alright... let's see what we've got for you all..." Hiruzen mumbled as he looked through the D-Rank mission scroll.
"Jiji, I don't think Sasuke and Sakura have met Tora-chan yet, have they?" Naruto piped up, hiding his evil grin, which was shared by Kakashi, Jozun, and Hiruzen.
"No, Naruto, I don't believe they have. Very well, Team Seven-Twelve, your current mission is to find and capture the Daimyo's Wife's cat, Tora. Identifying mark is a ribbon on the left ear. Dismissed." Sakura looked confused, and Sasuke looked relieved as the group walked out. The last thing Hiruzen heard was the Uchiha saying something incredibly stupid.
"Thank, Kami. How hard could it be to catch a cat?"
Another two hours later
Team Seven-Twelve, along with their two Jounin-Sensei were now standing before the Hokage, looking like they had run through a bramble thicket. Jozun and Kakashi were both moderately scratched up, but mostly intact. Sasuke and Sakura, however... their clothes were rags, their hair was sticking everywhere, and they were covered in so many scratches and so much blood, it looked like they had just fought the entire Third Shinobi World War by themselves. Sasuke cast a wary eye at the cause of all the mayhem, Tora. Who was currently resting contentedly and purring rather loudly, on top of Naruto's head. The Blond looked exactly the same as he had when they'd left, except he was now showing his full-blown, shit-eating grin.
"I hate you right now, Naruto," Sasuke muttered while Hiruzen had to refrain from laughing.
Flashback- Ten minutes prior
After nearly two hours of tracking, tailing, and capture attempts, Sakura, Sasuke, Jozun, and Kakashi were no closer to apprehending what the two Genin had quickly realized was the devil.
"WHY ISN'T NARUTO DOING ANYTHING?!" Sasuke screamed in frustration, pulling at his hair as he fell to his knees, desperation in his eyes. Naruto chuckled.
"I wanted to see how long it would take before you snapped. Tora is infamous for evading capture and making her pursuers' lives a living hell. It tends to happen when you escape every day and are chased by Shinobi."
"You knew..." Sakura's eye twitched as she shuffled toward her blond Teammate, her hands flexing as though to strangle him.
"Of course I knew, I hear about it all the time. I even chased Tora-chan once when Jiji was training me before I entered the Academy."
"HOW CAN YOU CALL THAT DEMON -CHAN?!" Sasuke screeched, sounding remarkably like Sakura. Naruto grinned.
"Like this, Tora-chan" he called out sweetly, pulling a bag of kitty kibble treats from somewhere and giving it a gentle shake. The little orange tabby was immediately twining around his legs, meowing sweetly and rubbing her length along the Blond's shins. "Hello, Tora-chan!" he reached down and picked up the cat, who offered no resistance, and held her in his arms where she was basically sitting on his right arm as his left maneuvered into the treat bag and pulled out two of them.
He presented the treats to Tora, who took them and began purring, and scratched behind her ear, causing the purring to get louder.
"How've you been, beautiful?" Tora, in answer, jumped up onto his shoulder, rubbed her cheek on his, then jumped up on his head and curled up, still purring loudly. Naruto grinned more, then turned and walked away. It took his team a full minute before they reacted.
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!" all four screamed at once as they chased after the Sarutobi, who was walking quickly but carefully so as to avoid disturbing the cat on his cranium.
"Does this make Tora-chan the 'Cat as the hat'?" Naruto joked, causing everyone to groan.
Flashback End
"Tora-Chwan!" came the cry of a very... rotund woman as she bolted forward and began immediately crushing the cat, who let out an angry yowl, clawed her face, then jumped back onto the blonde's head, and curled up again. The woman looked utterly confused.
"Tora-chwan! Come to mommy!" she reached for Tora again, but was met with a hiss and swiping claws. Naruto shrugged.
"Looks like Tora-chan wants to stay with me. Later," he turned and left without a backward glance. The Daimyo's wife looked confused, then heartbroken, then absolutely livid.
"GET BACK HERE WITH MY TORA-CHWAN!" she hobbled after the blond Genin, and everyone in the Mission room, Hiruzen included, bolted after her to watch the show bound to happen. They very rarely got to see the Daimyo's wife humiliated in public. They made it to the street before the chubby woman caught up with Naruto.
"Give me back my baby!"
"Obviously, Tora doesn't want to go with you. I'm not going to force her."
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" she shrieked.
"Yes, I do. You are the wife of the Daimyo of Hi no Kuni, and apparently, a very bad pet owner. I couldn't care less who you are." The woman went purple with rage. Hiruzen noticed he was standing next to the actual Daimyo himself.
"Aren't you going to do anything?" he asked the Feudal Lord. The man just waved a hand lazily.
"It's an important lesson for her to learn. I've had to watch that poor cat suffer for too long. As long as he doesn't try to kill or permanently cripple her, I'm content to watch." Hiruzen blinked at the man.
"You are a terrible Husband. I love it!" The two turned back to the scene.
"GIVE ME BACK MY CAT!" the woman jumped forward, one arm poised to grab Tora, the other ready to strangle the boy who dared kidnap her precious Tora-Chwan. She found both held instead in the Blond's calloused, uncompromising grip as his purple eyes bored into her very soul.
"If Tora wanted to go back to you, I would. Maybe next time you get a pet, you won't fucking smother it. There are correct ways to deal with pets, and you were doing none of them. So here's an idea: read a fucking book about pet care, try again, and don't show your face in this Village again, you fat cow. I'd have thought you'd learn form the fourteen other pets you had that ran away. If your pet keeps trying to run away, you are doing something wrong. Now get out." with that, he released the woman's wrists, turned and walked away, leaving a gobsmacked Daimyo's wife, and a laughing crowd. Hiruzen turned to the Daimyo, who was trying his best not to laugh at his wife's misfortune.
"So... worth it?" it took the Lord a moment to catch his breath.
"If you had more Shinobi like him, this would have happened sooner, and I wouldn't spend a fortune on buying her a new pet every few years."
"If we had more Shinobi like him... the Village would be burned to the ground."
With that, Hiruzen turned to return to the Hokage Tower.
His smug grin never left his face.
A/N: Okay, so I'm putting this story on Hiatus for a bit. I need to catch up with my other ongoing stories, so check them out! But I'll be working on them until they're at least sort of caught up to this one. Ja Ne!