A/N: Onward and upward!
Than you again for all your support!
But there's a burning matter that needs to be addressed before we get into things, because I am STEAMED!
In regards to KamikageRyuuketsu, seriously? You're going to threaten to hack ME, of all people? Because you didn't like my Imperfection story? I didn't make you read it by any means. You had the choice to simply click away and go elsewhere. You could've just settled for leaving a nasty review, even. You could've stopped there and that would've been the end of it. We could've let bygones be bygones and I wouldn't have given you a second thought.
But you didn't stop there.
Instead, you choose to rant and spit and curse and THREATEN me? Me?! Of all people? To threaten to hack me?! Well, I've got some news for you, bub! I know more than a few hackers myself. So let me give YOU a warning, you little stain. You see, I've been sharing information these past few days and it turns out I'm not the only one you torment; in fact, you've threatened other people with the same or WORSE. Everyone's already reported you for harassing and threatening others. Get the hell of this site, maggot! If you EVER follow through on those threats I'll be on you like ugly on an ape!
And joke's on you, buddy! I have SEVERAL backup accounts, which I've been using to update in case of this very eventuality.
I won't bother naming them here.
You'll never even see them.
You won't find them.
So, in the ancient words of Atlas...
...fuck off, would you kindly?
Now, putting that twat-waffle aside, let's get back to it, eh?
Sorry to keep you all waiting! Here it is at long last!
And now, I proudly present the next chapter of...
...Not my Grail!
Naruto picks a fight~!
Remember, this is meant to make you all SMILE.
Try not to take it TOO seriously~!
"GRRR!"
"No. Bad girl! Use your words! Now, let's try again. You are...?"
"...Ber~ser~ker."
"Good girl! Now...paw!"
"...hmm!"
"Umu! Well done!"
"She's okay with that?!"
"Honestly, I don't know what to expect with this one...
~?
The Eve of Battle
"Hello, mongrel!"
Gilgamesh twitched.
If there were one word that could truly provoke a reaction in the King of Heroes it was that word. Merely hearing it spoken from the lips of another was enough to send him into paroxysms of boundless fury. Speechless, he rounded on the voice, wondering who possessed the gall-the unmitigated gall!-to speak to him that way. That was HIS word! His! It belonged to him and him alone! All others were naught but mongrels beneath him! For some rabid dog to utter his own phrase against him was the ultimate sign of disrespect and demanded death!
"Who gave you permission to speak to me that way, filth?" he growled, gritting his teeth. "Reveal yourself!"
He half-expected an outright refusal; thus it came as a somewhat pleasant surprise when his accuser complied with his wishes.
The air beside him rippled like water, and someone emerged.
"Don't get your Gate of Babylon in a twist, goldie. I'm right here." A hand clamped down jovially on his shoulder, causing the King to jerk his arm away; more in disgust than actual surprise. "Aw, come on! Relax! Don't go firing off your Noble Phantasms, jeez! You'll ruin Tokiomi's garden."
Giglamesh twitched.
"You...mongrel...
He didn't care for the Servant's tone, much less his appearance.
He took the intruder in at a glance; distantly noting a pair of bemused blue eyes and whiskered cheeks. Blond hair, red horns jutting out of the latter. He looked entirely too pleased with himself, as though he knew some great secret known only to himself. As he looked on, the intruder gave him a small, mocking bow. That smirk never once left his face. And his outfit! Gaudy. Tacky. A coat of unrefined colors, as chaotic as its master. But beyond that, there was a a far more pressing matter that needed-nay, demanded!-to be addressed at this very moment...!
"You dare stand on the same ground as me?!"
The blond arched an eyebrow.
"Eh? Is that a problem?"
"Know your place!"
A thought opened the Gate of Babylon in its entirety.
Countless weapons emerged from within, quivering at the ready.
Another thought sent them screaming into the horned man's unprepared chest.
"Oh, shi-
The intruder had a mere millisecond to comprehend their sudden and immediate peril before they found themselves skewered from head to toe by every weapon known to man. And a few that weren't. The sheer force of the impacts launched them from the roof of the Tohsaka manor and flung them down to the ground where they were promptly impaled with dozens more. Only when his body was rendered little more than a pincushion of vaguely human proportions was Gilgamesh satisfied and his wrath slaked. Filthy mongrel! To think, he'd wasted that many treasures on him!
"Imbecile." he scowled down at the twitching corpse. "Repent for your foolishness in the afterlife!"
POOF.
A plume of smoke answered him.
"What?"
Craning his neck, the King of Heroes found himself staring at the sword-studded ground...and realized the distinct lack of a corpse. Oh, there was certainly blood to be seen amongst the graveyard of blades, but where was the body? He'd not seen such a trick before. What manner of magecraft was this? Sorcery? The ability of some Servant he'd not yet seen? Impossible. He knew all. Saw all. His wisdom, infinite. So what was this, then? Yet the idea idea that some random mongrel had somehow managed to both irk and miraculously escape him seemed so ludicrous that he actually considered going down there to see for himself-
"Sorry." a stray voice hissed in his ear. "I've always been a slow learner."
Gilgamesh wasn't called the King of Heroes for nothing.
In the time it took the intruder to bring down his arm upon the King of Uruk he was already bound; his limbs ensnared by countless lengths of unbreakable chain. Fool. Did he truly think he could strike him? Now not only had he bound the opponent's weapon, limbs, shoulders, neck, and abdomen, but he'd rendered them completely immobile. Even now, Enkidu's chains continuously twisted and tightened with incredible force; bending the mongrel's limbs in utterly impossible directions, all but threatening shear off his head prematurely. Whatever petty trick he'd mustered to escape before wouldn't do him any good now; he wasn't even worthy of the King's gaze, for he'd already resolved to pierce his heart here and now, lest he repeat such an attempt.
"You're nothing but a fool grasping at straws. Did you really think you could best me alone?"
Only then did he deign to face the fool who'd sought to oppose him.
He wasn't expecting said fool's laughter.
"I'm not trying to beat you, idiot."
Enough!
With a snarl, Gilgamesh backhanded the intruder even as he dragged a blade from the Gate of Babylon. The golden sword gleamed viciously in the night for but a moment before its beauty was sullied by the blond's blood, sheathed in his chest. Galling as it might have been to actually raise his hand against an opponent, it was far more preferable to experiencing his insipid laughter a second time! Irked by such a thought, the King of Heroes gave his treasure a hard wrench in the wound, causing his victim to twitch. Yet still that annoying smile didn't falter. Indeed, the intruder saw the blade protruding from his chest, and instead of dying like any sane Servant should, he laughed all the more!
"Hahahaha! Oh, stop, that tickles!"
What madness was this?!
For a fleeting moment the King of Uruk actually considering unleashing Ea, if only to silence this mongrel once and for all. That desire was intensified tenfold by what came next. As one, the chains of Enkidu stiffened. Their shimmering lengths went stiff as their captive tensed every muscle in his body at once. In response the Noble Phantasm constricted even further, biting deep into the horned servant's flesh. Still he struggled, staining their links crimson. The absurdity of his fool efforts almost brought a smile to the King's face. A mongrel indeed! These chains were made to bind the very gods themselves! Even if this one wasn't true divinity such as they, he'd be hard-pressed to move, much less escape without shearing his own limbs off-
CRUNCH.
His first realization that the enemy Servant had escaped Enkidu came in the form of blazing pain in his forehead.
The fool had somehow headbutted him?!
"MONGREL! You dare touch me?!"
"Oh, I dare!"
Startled by the unexpected attack, Gilgamesh staggered back half a step, clutching his face. A jarring line of red dashed itself across his vision; the sudden impact causing him to momentarily lose his grip on the treasure he'd thrust into his opponents chest. In that instant the rest of the blond's body spun away in a bloody spiral, uncaring of its torn flesh to leave the chains slack and loose behind him. Bereft of its target, Enkidu retreated back through the Gate, leaving the great golden king agape at the mishmash sigh of body parts before him. One in particular.
"Ahhhh, that really hit the spot! I had the worst crick in my neck!"
A head.
A.
Head.
He saw a head.
Gilgamesh was looking at a severed head hovering before him, utterly unfettered by gravity or reality.
That damn smile was bad enough.
Now it was talking to him!
"Eh? What's wrong, goldie? Why so serious?" the intruder's disembodied facade tilted aside, grinning even as bits of gore dripped from its severed throat. "Chains are useless if they've got nothing to bind them with, right? So I made them tear me apart and BAM! I'm free! Hasn't anyone tried that? No? Just me?"
What kind of logic was that?!
"I...you...that's not...
"Right, right, you're probably confused." the severed head bobbed in agreement. "Don't worry about me; just need a second to pull myself back together. See?"
With another lilting laugh the man did just that; as Gilgamesh looked on agape, his torso abruptly righted itself, somehow sitting up despite its complete and utter lack of limbs. With an impossible hop the crimson cadaver reattached its legs, followed shortly by its arms. His head followed suit a moment later, neatly reattaching itself atop the mangled stump that had once been his neck with a pop. A flicker of light, and then even that wound found itself replaced with healthy pink skin, pristine save the bloody stains that hinted at the once grievous injuries. This...this went beyond mere magic. Even a divine being couldn't ignore wounds such as those.
"Aaaaaaand done." he grunted, rolling his shoulders. "Now, can we talk?"
A muscle jumped in Gilgamesh's jaw.
"I give you one chance to identify yourself, mongrel. Waste it not."
"Aha! That's more like it, goldie!" a laugh boomed out of the blond as he sketched a bow, this one somehow harsher than the last. "As for me, The name's Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto, if we're being specific. I'm no one special really, just your average Prankster-turned-Conqueror-turned-Overlord-turned-Deity wandering about the multiverse looking for a laugh. You know. That sort of thing. My legend isn't particularly known around these parts; probably because I'm not from these parts. Or this universe. With me so far?"
He dared to jest?!
"I told you not to waste-
"Wait, wait, there's more! I know you as well!" the whiskered warrior interjected, thrusting a finger forward before Gilgamesh could shower him with a fresh rain of death. "Actually did my damn research this time. You're the King of Uruk. Gilgamesh. King of Heroes. Wielder of the greatest treasures known to man. Otherwise known as Archer in this War-
"Ho? I'm surprised you know my identity."
-and cherished friend of Enkidu." the horned warrior finished with a small smirk. "Your one and only friend. You named that chain of yours after them, didn't you?
The smile vanished.
"Silence! How do you know that name?!"
"Eh?" those slitted blue eyes blinked in momentary confusion. "Look, I just told you, didn't I? Research! I did a fair bit of reading before I barged in here. Kinda begs the question, though. If Enkidu was originally a lump of clay to begin with, does that make him/her genderless? I mean, it kinda looks like a woman, but still-hey?!"
Shing!
His hand snapped up in the same instant that Gilgamesh lobbed a spear at him from the Gate; nimbly catching the legendary lance in his right hand. With a grunt he raised it high and slammed it down, breaking it over his knee as though it were naught but a flimsy stick. Shattered, the treasure vanished in a shower of golden dust to the Gate of Babylon. Even as Gilgamesh summoned another the horned deity scowled. A strange sigil blazed into existence in his eyes and the King's world slanted sideways, a nauseating sense of vertigo overtaking him.
Another petty trick?!
"Would you kindly cut that shit out?!" Naruto's figure swam in and out of focus before him for a fleeting instant before reality reasserted itself once more. "I told you; I didn't come here to fight." the deity snarled. "I came to bargain. And me damnit, you're going to listen to what I have to say whether you want to or not! And you're going to like it!"
His words gave the King of Heroes pause.
He trusted the gods not, least of all this trickster.
Still, the way he'd phrased the latter had caught his attention.
Being confined to the Tokiomi estate wasn't simply boring; it was maddening! He longed to venture out and see what this world had to offer, to do something! Anything! And if this world wasn't interesting, then it was not worthy of his attention nor his time. For a man who'd sampled nearly ever pleasure there was to offer, boredom was his worst fear. And Tokiomi was so very...boring. Dull, even. His every action was measured and taken against an equal and opposite reaction. Always thinking, thinking, thinking! Not interesting at all!
He'd gladly welcome a diversion from that!
...speak, then."
"Aw, don't be like that!" Naruto beamed, suddenly the contrite jester once more. "I come bearing gifts! Behold!"
With a flourish of his cloak the deity did just that; space and time unfolding before his whim to reveal his "gift", as he dubbed it. That gift turned out to be a bound man with startling orange hair in plain clothes. Seemingly harmless, limbs trussed up behind his back, he nevertheless floundered upon the upturned earth like a fish out of water, shrieking hysterically. Remarkably, he hadn't been gagged. His blindfolded face jerked this way and that, frantically searching for the sudden cause of his pain.
"W-What the hell is this, man?!" Ryuunosuke Uryuu gibbered. "This isn't cool at all! You said there would be blood! Corpses! Ar-ack?!"
His pleas dissolved into a strangled scream as Naruto plucked one of Gilgamesh's many treasures from the ground and drove it point-first into the young man's thigh. It was a clean thrust, pinning the limb to the ground in grisly red relief. Under normal circumstances the King of Heroes would've bristled at such casual use of his weaponry, but something about the the victim's wails were oddly...satisfying. As he looked on, the horned warrior dropped to his haunches before his victim, sliding a clawed hand beneath his chin. The other undid the blindfold, exposing a pair of beady, terrified eyes.
"Ah, rest assured, Ryuunosuke-kun." he cooed. "There will be art."
"R-Really?" hope dawned in his gaze.
Until Naruto snuffed it out.
"Yes. You're it."
"What?! No-
His words found themselves muffled as the blond bound the blindfold over his mouth. Even then Gilgamesh could see the terror in the young man's eyes. He was looking at hum, pleading him, begging to be saved. Such a mongrel. If he had strength, then he should use it to save himself.
Nevertheless, his curiosity was aroused.
"What is the meaning of this?" he inquired. "What purpose does that one serve?"
"Hmm?" Naruto sighed, running a bloodied hand across the ground in a complex series of formula. "This one? He's an annoying serial killer that I caught a few hours ago. I didn't have much use for him at first. Hell, I was simply going to kill him to keep him out of this war. But then I remembered you, goldie! And I thought to myself, Naruto, this is a great opportunity! Let's hold onto him for just a bit! It wasn't hard. I just needed to find a piece of their "flesh" from back then, as it were. Pretty easy when you've got access to a time machine. So let's put ol' scum-san's death to good use, eh?"
Flesh?
Time machine?
"This my gift to you, King of Heroes."
Grunting, he clasped both hands together.
"Edo Tensei."
As Gilgamesh looked on in quiet contemplation a fierce light erupted from the seals painstakingly traced in blood, a thousand snakes of dark ink and scarlet racing as one toward the prone Ryuunosuke. The murderer saw them immediately and some primal part of his brain must've recognized them for what they were; for he immediately attempted to crawl away. It availed him naught. His feeble attempts to escape only seemed to excite the living runes; they closed on him with renewed ferocity in a storm of earth and ash, rapidly enclosing his torso even as he writhed and bucked.
At the last instant, the gag finally came loose.
"What the hell is this?!" he cried. "Get if off! Get offa-
With a muffled shriek, Ryuunosuke was devoured whole.
All that remained was a vaguely human form enclosed in clay.
Naruto clapped his hands and the earthen paper crumbled away to dust.
Revealed was a striking figure clad in white cloth, their damp green hair trailing across the ground. Gilgamesh's heart-or what amounted to it-momentarily skipped a beat at the sight. Though their skin was cracked and in disarray, still, he knew them. Kneeling, they showed no sign of life, save for the faint rise and fall of their chest. A pair of striking jade orbs opened, then blinked. Narrowed. Widened. Trembling hands arose with tentative fear, palming their face and chest in disbelief. One Gilgamesh shared. His mind nearly rejected the sight out of hand, but a thorn of emotion pricked him and held him back at the last.
Then they saw him.
"My king...?"
Ah...
He knew that voice. How long had it been since he'd last heard it? How long since he had lain in those arms?
No.
That was impossible.
They'd been dead for eons, now.
This couldn't possibly be, no...it couldn't...
Fury clashed with sorrow, and neither triumphed.
"But wait," a resounding voice cut through the threads of his thought. "There's more! RINNE TENSEI!"
Those eerie blue orbs burned a violent shade of violet and Enkidu-for this was truly his friend of yore-writhed in pain for but a moment, their mouth opening in a silent scream. And then it was done. The broken fissures in their skin closed, then faded altogether. The pale pallor of their skin assumed a healthy shade as minor deformities abated and were banished outright. Their task complete, the glyphs slowly melted away. Pleased with his work, the horned blond patted the newly resurrected individual on the head and murmured something to them. Whatever words spoken in that moment were lost to Gilgamesh, for his ears defied him.
In the end, he needn't have worried.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Naruto prodded Enkidu once in the back, drawing a slight yelp from them. "I didn't revive you so you could sit there like an idiot. Go see your friend already!" When the latter didn't budge, likely from the shock of being returned to the mortal realm, the deity rolled his eyes and did the unthinkable. "For crying out loud, if you won't move, I will!"
"Catch!"
He tossed her.
Gilgamesh's body moved.
Before he realized it he'd bolted to his feet and raised his arms. His treasured friend landed neatly in his arms, sputtering wordlessly.
Gilgamesh was of the same mind!
"You...what have you...why...?!"
"Just shut up and accept my generosity, Gilgamesh." the blond sighed, using his name for the first time in their meeting. "As much as I ship the two of you together, I also did this to even the playing field. Now, my work is done! Naruto away!"
Ship...?
Then he paused.
"Oh, I nearly forgot. Gil, you're half-god and half-human, right?"
Gilgamesh glowered, his joy momentarily forgotten.
...what is your point, mongrel?"
Naruto beamed.
"See, that's just it! Doesn't that make you...half mongrel?"
A terrible silence fell over the mansion.
Gilgamesh grit his teeth.
"You...you dare...
Enkidu paled.
"Oh, dear."
With a snarl, the King of Heroes summoned Ea.
"ENUMA ELISH!"
A/N: FULL CREDIT TO SlippyVa for that mongrel joke at the end!
YES, I just reunited Lancer and Enkidu.
WOE to any who come between them.
And to make things easier, I'm just going to say her when I refer to Enkidu in this story. Yes, yes, I know the matter is muddled, but its damn hard to write androgynous characters!
I felt ol' goldie deserved his chance to shine in this chapter, and I think it turned out really well. Lemme know what you think! Also,
Clarification!
THIS Nero has yet to experience the events of Fate Extra/CCC/Extella, which is why she doesn't recognize Altera or show her any immediate hostility. Neither has our maiden in white. In short, they are essentially past versions of themselves from a different timeline. Mordred, however, is still very much Mordred and she's gonna be a lot of fun to write. Fate Zero is so tragic, and I feel that a few characters could do with some otherworldly intervention...but for better or ill remains to be seen.
We get a look at Kiritsugu and the others next chapter...
...and yes, there's gonna be some surprises.
Heh, weren't expecting this, were you?
Fate Zero with multiple servants!
Expect chaos to ensue!
For those who are wondering, Naruto's not above breaking reality to get what he wants.
Ergo, we might see some other heroes pop up in this story.
So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly?
And enjoy the preview!
Mind you, they are ROUGH, but still!
REJOICE~!
(Previews)
Kiritsugu considered himself a practical man.
While he both acknowledged and disdained sorcery, he accepted facts. Reality. You couldn't save everyone. To save someone, you had to abandon someone else. Sometimes the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few. His entire past stood in testament to this.
"Kiritsugu, I've come to bargain!"
Needless to say he was more than a tad flummoxed by this intruder.
...why the long face?"
"Hmm? Oh, nothing." The blond remarked flippantly. "Just lost a clone, that's all. Damn shame. I actually made that one pretty durable."
A clone?
"I...see..."
"You really don't, but that's besides the point."
"And you are?"
"Huh, I wonder if Ascension works in this-WHOA MAMA!"
Naruto's jaw nearly dropped at the sight of "Lancer".
"Now that's an Artoria!"
Tokiomi gazed at the bracelet and frowned.
For some reason the damn thing was fused to his arm.
Try as he might, he couldn't seem to remove the odd creature.
"What is this?"
"Oh, just a little something I cooked up." the horned deity remarked, knocking another bottle of wine back. "It gives you a 100+ resistance to backstabbing. Handy right? You'll definitely thank me for this later."
"But why give me this? I'm your enemy."
Something dangerous flickered in those ice-blue orbs.
"Because I want to see you FIGHT! STRUGGLE! CRAWL! FOR THAT IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD!
Illya blinked.
She looked up, up and UP, and still had to crane her little neck as far as she could just to see the stranger's face. With a dismissive flick of his wrist he disposed of the Servant sent to kill her, casting his sundered remains onto the ground. After a moment they dissolved into specks of harmless blue light, trickling away into the night. As she looked on the strange glowing man turned, shouldering a sword as large as he was tall, its curved edge still dripping with the remnants of his enemy's blood.
Odd, how that didn't frighten her now.
Then her savior saw her.
"Hey, Illya-chan~!" he rumbled, flashing her a toothy grin. "Sorry about all that, I honestly didn't expect that fucker to go after-ah, shit. Language. I mean damnit! Aw, piss."
Mama had always told her not to trust strangers, but this man didn't look like a stranger. Besides, he knew her name. He must be he a friend of Kiritsugu.
Wasn't he?
"Who are you?"
The horned man grinned.
"Honestly? I'd settle for Onii-chan."
"Kayneth, you're fired."
"Who are you to say such a-
With a rush of air, the floor dropped out beneath him.
"Gahahaha! I like you! Any chance you'd consider joining my army?"
"I might consider it...
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTHUUUUUUUUUUUUR!"
Mordred grunted in surprise as Berserker descended on her in a storm of blows.
"Tch! Nimble bastard! Hold still! AND I'M NOT ARTHUR, DAMNIT!"
R&R~!
=D