Thanks to Babatomyfriends for the review and for the heads up about the error in ch. 1 related to Monica's restaurant, which I promptly corrected;)
The trip home was one of the most melancholic Ross had ever spent.
Rachel kept looking out of the taxi window and, even if she was squeezing Ross's hand, she did not speak to him. He knew very well that she was wrapped up in her thoughts and who knew what terrible memories she was thinking about.
A song that Ross knew well suddenly began on the radio; it was by The Killers, a brand new band from Las Vegas that was very popular, especially among teenagers.
Hearing the lyrics, Ross could not help but hate the timing of the DJ in picking that song on that evening that was turning out to be doomed.
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go
I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside
What was Rachel thinking at that moment?
Was she imagining him with Chloe? Was she thinking about the evening of their first anniversary and the fatal argument that had caused their break? Was she re-evoking the night they had fought after his betrayal and that had led to the ending of their relationship?
Ross didn't have the courage to ask her. When they reached the house, they entered the apartment still in silence and Ross closed the door behind him, letting Rachel decide whether to talk about what had happened. He did not want to force things and he did not feel like starting a dialogue he feared that could lead to their first argument since they had finally got back together.
Although they had talked for a long time about all their problems, when Rachel had decided to get off that plane to get back with him, the subject of Ross's betrayal had never been easy to deal with. Ross knew that it was the biggest mistake of his life and he'd admitted to Rachel that the story of the break was more than anything an excuse he had found with himself – and the others – to alleviate his guilt that tortured him still.
He had told her of all the nights when he still happened to wake up after having a nightmare about the night they had broken up and how finally, now that they were back together, these nightmares were slowly disappearing.
Now, would meeting Chloe by chance compromise everything they had carefully rebuilt in the last three months?
Rachel returned to the living room without shoes, but she had not changed yet. The result was that on that August evening, so hot for the New York summer temperature standards, Ross was sweating partly because of the weather, partly because of the excitement of seeing her dressed in that tight red dress as she walked barefoot, just as he worshipped her.
She had recently cut her hair short again, as when she had been pregnant with Emma and Ross had confessed that, although he adored her long hair, he particularly loved this carefree haircut, because it reminded him of those wonderful months when she was expecting their child.
"Uhm...honey, do you want something to drink?" He asked quietly.
She nodded, still without speaking.
Ross returned a couple of minutes later from the kitchen with a glass of iced tea for both of them.
They sat down on the couch drinking and it didn't take long until Rachel put her glass on the table and finally started to talk.
"Well...it seems that Chloe has a sixth sense to appear during the evenings of our anniversaries." She stated sarcastically.
Ross looked at her in puzzlement. After an hour without uttering a word, she blurted something like that?! He put his glass on the table, too.
"Rachel..." he replied, hesitant.
"I preferred when she was brunette, but I did not have the guts to tell her." She continued, pretending to be nonchalant.
Ross snorted, shaking his head. He didn't know where to begin to address that topic.
Rachel slammed her hand on her thigh, "Argh, You know what really made me mad?! How it doesn't matter to her, at all!"
"What do you mean?" He asked, surprised by her unexpected comment.
"Well...look at the two of us...It's because of that night that we broke up, and then were on again, and then the letter, and then Emily, and then Las Vegas, and then the divorce, and..."
"I know the story, Rachel." Ross interrupted her.
"But her? It meant nothing to her, Ross! It was a night of sex, no strings attached. Nothing else."
Ross did not know how much he could go further in this topic, he was afraid to say something really stupid, "Sweetie...Chloe has always been a carefree woman, that night she just wanted to have fun, unfortunately with the wrong man." Ross took a moment to make sure if it was appropriate to continue, and noticing the calm look of Rachel he decided to go on, "I do not remember the details of what happened, I was very, very drunk...But if there is one thing I'm sure of is that it didn't mean anything to me either. In fact, I immediately tried to tell you the next day, didn't I?"
Rachel nodded, "I know. But at that moment I didn't want to and I couldn't forgive you for something like that, do you understand that now?"
"Of course I do. And you had every reason to. Regardless of the circumstances that led to our breakup, I know now what I did and you must know this is a scar that I'll carry in my heart forever. I hope it never happens to her, but maybe there will come a day when our daughter will go through a similar thing and she will ask you if I've ever betrayed you...and you'll have to tell her the truth. I just hope she will not start to hate me. It is one of the things I fear the most."
"Really?" Rachel asked him, looking at Ross and feeling an immense love for him, as she focused only on the positive things for which she loved the man in front of her. The secret he had just told her was such a sweet and intimate detail that she could not help but adore him.
"I'm not the most humble person in this world Rach, I've always had a high opinion of myself in many aspects of my life. I can say that I had a wonderful family, a fantastic sister, an academic and working success, I consider myself a good father...Of course; there is the the small matter of my divorces that spoiled my reputation as a good guy, but..."
Rachel laughed.
"I did some silly things that sometimes almost cost me your respect, like writing that stupid list of pros and cons, or falling asleep during that fashion seminar, or... "
"Hiding from me that you had not asked for the annulment of our marriage?"
Ross laughed, "Yeah!"
"Kissing my sister Jill?"
"Sure!" He nodded, moving his arm in the air to make the concept clear. "The point is that the only mistake I would really like to erase, the only thing I really regret and I am ashamed of, is that night with Chloe."
Rachel nodded, looking down.
"I know it's hard, and I know that every once in a while this thing will come out to torment us again, because even if you think you've forgiven me, you're the one who's suffered the most and I cannot erase the past. God, I wish I could. "
"Ross..."
"No, let me finish. I know you still suffer, and it's fair. I don't blame you. And I won't be angry if there are days when you'll be a little quiet because you're thinking about what happened. The important thing is that, at the end of the day, you remember that I love you so much and that I will never make the mistake of taking you for granted and risking losing you ever again."
Rachel was smiling, "May I speak, now?"
Ross nodded.
"Do you think that my being quiet tonight was due to the fact that I was angry again or that I was thinking about your betrayal again?"
"Well..."
Rachel chuckled, "It's true, meeting Chloe made me think. But about positive things. As I told you, I realized that that night meant absolutely nothing to her. I found myself wondering why we should let the past ruin our future."
Ross looked at her in amazement and sure that he couldn't love her more than that.
"Since Emma was born, I have been hoping for a future for the three of us together as a family. That night in which we conceived her was not just a chance, Ross; to me it immediately counted much more than just a bonus night. Remember what I told you when you left the morning after, when the effect of the alcohol had vanished?"
Ross gazed at her, a little annoyed, "I could not find my sweater, so I put my jacket before leaving the room and you asked me to be careful not to get seen by Joey."
Rachel giggled, "Yes, but then I also told you something else."
Ross took her hand and caressed it, "You told me that you'd missed me."
"And what did you tell me?"
"That I'd missed you, too."
"See, that's what I mean... Despite what happened with Chloe, I've never had with other men what I've always shared with you, Ross..." she continued, becoming more serious and putting her hands on his face, "I've never loved anyone else."
"Really?" he asked her, feeling his heart beating faster.
"Mmm-mmm." She nodded.
"Oh, Rach..." Ross shook his head, regretful.
"What?"
"If I think about all the time we've wasted with other people all these years..."
"Well, I've never had any noteworthy boyfriends. Oh well, unless we want to mention Joshua, Tag and Paul..." she counted them with her left hand.
"Oh my God, the Love Machine!" Ross laughed, and Rachel did so, since he had told her a few days before about that afternoon spent in Paul's country house and how he had spied on him while Pauls was looking in the mirror and singing I'm just Love Machine.
"Shall we really have to tell our daughter that we dated a father and his daughter respectively at the same time?" Ross laughed, thinking back to the brief relationship he had with his ex-student Elizabeth.
"I think we can keep certain details for ourselves, at least until Emma is old enough to have a good laugh at it." Rachel commented, foreseeing a distant future with a thirty-year-old daughter and Ross and her in their sixties.
"By the way, I kind of liked Tag, of all your boyfriends, he was definitely the most...funny!"
"Really? Weren't you jealous of him?" Rachel asked him, smiling and putting her hands behind his neck.
"Not so much, at that time I saw you so…happy and satisfied. Maybe I just knew that your relationship with Tag would not last long, he was too young for you. I was much more jealous of that Seargeant Sagittarius with whom you flirted the night we went out with Monica's Porsche!"
Rachel burst out laughing, "Ha ha, I knew you were jealous! That was just a few days after we had slept together..."
"Yeah... actually, despite pretending not to be affected…inside of me I felt that it had really been an extraordinary night. I wanted to tell you how much I wanted to try and start things over, leave the past behind us, but I was afraid of ruining our friendship...and then..."
"And then...Emma." Rachel whispered, smiling.
"Our greatest gift." He replied, shaking his head, still incredulous of the luck they had. Although Emma had not been planned, since when Ross and Rachel had found out that she was pregnant never for a moment their little one had not been desired.
Although they had changed the subject of the conversation, Rachel had not finished confessing all her pains to Ross yet and felt she had to clear all her doubts once and for all.
"Ross..."
"What?"
"It's true, it's all in the past now. And what has been has been. But I have a long list of mistakes to be forgiven for, too. I wasn't perfect. I often think back to what happened that night and sometimes I wonder... if only I had spent ten minutes of my time with you instead of working..."
"Rachel..." Ross shook his head.
"…If only I had denied Mark the chance to come, but he had insisted so much!"
Ross kept shaking his head, not willing to hear what Rachel was saying.
"Or maybe I could have avoided screaming like that! I was the one who asked you for a break, and I didn't even want it! All I did was stirring up your insecurities, and…"
"No! Rach!" Ross stood up and started walking back and forth. "It's true, our relationship was complicated and troubled and that wasn't certainly only my fault. You had your new job that you were so committed to and I was so obsessed with my stupid jealousy…But don't think even for a moment that what happened with Chloe is your fault too!"
Rachel was now crying and she began to nod, while Ross sat down next to her and tried to wipe away her tears. He hated himself for this.
His plan for the evening was to make her the happiest woman in the world by proposing to her, not to make her cry by revealing old terrible memories.
"It's true, when I called you that night and I heard Mark's voice... I started drinking and I panicked. One of the last things I remember is I listened to With or Without You. And from that moment on everything is like a blur...I see fragments of a night I hardly remembered anything about the morning after, guess now, after so many years."
Rachel now was looking at him intently, trying to figure out where he wanted to go with that.
"Rachel, what happened with Chloe had nothing to do with you, it was just a huge mistake I made after too many beers and the totally wrong belief that our story was over. I did not do it to hurt you!"
Rachel sighed, continuing to cry and nod, but now avoiding Ross's gaze.
"Is this what you thought all those years? That what I had done was like a…revenge to get back at you in some way?"
Rachel shook her head, hoping she would not have to admit it, "I...we never talked about it so openly, I...I never told anyone, not even Monica..."
"But it's true, isn't it?" He asked, urging her to pull out the last piece of the puzzle.
Rachel nodded again and then she burst into tears again.
Ross hugged and squeezed her as hard as he could, letting her pour out her emotions for a few minutes. Rachel could not believe she had taken this huge burden off her heart.
One of the big reasons that had kept her away from Ross for all those years was not the betrayal per se, but the idea that he had done it to hurt her, to make her suffer. She had never had the courage to ask Ross or confide this to anyone. Now she had finally succeeded.
And meeting Chloe had at least served to remove this last secret between them.
When Ross noticed that Rachel had stopped sobbing, he tried to lift her head from his shoulder. He looked at her, trying to convey a reassuring look.
She did not wait another moment to kiss him passionately.
They were transported back in time, wrapped in a kiss like the one they had exchanged after watching the Prom video, when Rachel had finally realized that she wanted to share her life with him.
"I'm sorry, Ross... forgive me for even thinking such a stupid thing."
"You have nothing to be forgiven for. I love you."
"Then please, let me tell you for the first time...I forgive you, Ross. Completely."
Ross looked at her, once again surprised by the huge strength that Rachel could demonstrate in difficult moments, "Are you sure?"
"Yes...I promise, there will never be any strange or disturbing silences in the future, or at least they won't be due to this." She laughed. "Whether we were or were not on a break is now irrelevant. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Ross sighed, smiling and resting his forehead against Rachel's, closing his eyes.
"Are you asking me what I think you're asking?" He demanded, hopefully.
"You think it's not nice when women make the proposal? Monica almost did!" She reminded him, pulling back and inviting him to look at her.
Ross was lost for a moment in her wonderful blue eyes.
"No, no, it's totally fine, and I've had my tons of proposals, anyway." He replied, making Rachel laugh while she wiped away a few tears.
"But there is one thing," he explained, rummaging through the pocket where the ring was still hidden, "I have this."
Rachel watched as Ross opened the blue velvet case and showed her a marvelous engagement ring. He'd had it in his pocket all the time and she hadn't even realized it. Now she could guess how much Chloe's visit had ruined Ross's plans for that evening.
"Now, do you want to kneel or would you rather do it the old fashioned way?" Ross asked her.
Rachel smiled, tears starting to stream down her face again.
"I think...er...it's better if you..." but she could not speak anymore.
"Ok, honey..." Ross went down on one knee in front of the couch.
"You know, there was a time when I thought I would ask you to marry me in the Planetarium, in the middle of a sea of lilies, under a starry sky and with Fred Astaire singing for us..."
Rachel smiled, thinking back to that wonderful night when Ross had revealed to her how he had imagined asking her to marry him. It had been one of those moments when she had realized that her feelings for him had never disappeared.
"Today I know that life is much more real and complex and it confronts us with situations that we never expect, just think about what happened tonight. Actually, I cannot wait to hear what Chandler will have to say about our meeting with Chloe..."
Rachel and Ross chuckled, thinking about the lots of jokes that would certainly be the main subject during the next meeting at the Bings.
"We have traveled a long and winding road to get here. We got on and off again, but in the end...here we are. You gave up the opportunity of a lifetime to stay in New York with me and give our Emma a real family. "
Rachel smiled at the tender way of referring to Emma like theirs.
"Now everything seems to be perfect, with your new job, my tenure, Emma...But something is still missing to make it even more perfect, don't you think?"
"Yep. I was the first to suggest it." she smirked.
"I don't know every detail about the future that awaits us, but all you need to know is that I'm here, on my knee in front of you. I will do anything to make you happy and I will spend the rest of my life loving you, as you deserve. I want to make you realize how glad I am that you are the woman I got to share my life with, and how lucky I was many years ago to see you entering Central Perk in that sexy wedding dress."
Rachel smiled, thinking about that day in September of ten years before.
"So, I just have one thing left to ask... Rach, will you marry me?"
Rachel looked at him intently and then kissed him softly, "Yes, Ross."
He smiled like he had done only a very few times before in his life and put the ring on her finger, watching her as she contemplated the jewel.
They both stood up and embraced, staying together for a few minutes, whispering sweet "I love you" and "Thank you" in their ears.
"Well, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to meet that woman tonight..." Rachel commented when she finally pulled away from the hug but without moving her arms from Ross's back.
"Why?"
"Now that we've been through the whole break issue, we can focus on the last real problem that remains to be solved before our wedding," she explained, seriously.
"What?" Ross asked, without understanding.
"After the divorce, you didn't pay me alimony for five years, Ross Geller! And now, you just assume that I will marry you, again?"
Ross burst out laughing.
Here it was, his Rachel. Superb, stylish, incredibly funny.
And she was about to become his wife.
"Oh, I love you." He said, kissing her passionately and taking her by the hand, moving towards the corridor.
"No more than I do, honey." She replied, while Ross dragged her into their bedroom.
Well, for now this is over, I don't know if I will go on, but I like it this way.
I just love when they talk about their past in a civil way and decide to forgive each other, you know. And I just ship them so much!
Song: Mr. Brightside - The Killers