"Oh Monica, this is so messed up!"

"Honey, I think I've lost count of how many times you've said that about you and Ross."

Rachel was sitting on her couch, she was wearing her favorite tracksuit pants and one of Ross's shirts. She was holding her knees to her stomach with one hand and she had the telephone in the other. Her eyes were closed and wet; she had cried a million tears since she'd come back in her empty apartment. Lillian had been very understanding when Rachel had explained that she had argued with Ross and she needed to get home for the rest of the afternoon and maybe the following day.

"How did he look like? Was he crying?"

"No."

"Was he very upset?"

"Mmm…"

"On a Ross's scale of anger how much upset was he?"

Monica laughed to herself, "Probably a little more than the we-were-on-a-break level after Montauk and a little less than not getting a goodbye from you before leaving for Paris."

Rachel moaned, "That's pretty bad."

Monica nodded, "Honey, I'm not gonna lie to you. I love you, you're like a sister to me. I've always respected you and I've always admired you for how thoughtful you were when you were capable to forgive all the mistakes my stupid brother has done. But this time…I must admit he's not the one to blame. You've been childish and inconsiderate."

"I know, but…"

"I mean, what's with you and this Gavin? Whenever this guy comes up you try and spoil your relationship with Ross, do you actually have feelings for him?"

Rachel was shocked, "Monica, no! I don't care about him! He could be Johnny Depp and still it wouldn't bother me! When is it going to enter in that minds of yours? The only man I've only ever been interested in is your brother!"

Monica was speechless. She'd never heard Rachel being so protective over her feelings for Ross.

"Ugh…it's not my fault, it's just as simple as that. I have never loved anybody else in my entire life! Since I've left Barry at the altar, I've been looking for someone to love and then, when I found out I was in love with Ross…it was it, Monica. There was never place for anybody else."

Monica was touched by that revelation. She knew how deep her friend's feelings for her brother were, but listening to her spilling her guts so wholeheartedly was something new, even to her.

"Sure, there were others, but…they were always rebounds, flings. I've never had a serious relationship after Ross, I've always lived in the constant waiting of something for us to…happen again, because my mind and soul were always set on him. I don't know if you can understand this…"

"I can, sweetie. And believe me, I don't think that for Ross things were ever much different. And this is why this is a difficult moment for him. You are going to get married, this should be a wonderful time, and yet he finds out you didn't trust him again, like you did with the whole Julie accident –"

"It's not the same!"

"It's exactly the same, Rachel! Ross is trying to compromise, he's agreeing on every little need that you have and he's really changed since you've got back together. He's been trying to show you in any possible way. So, whose fault is it if you're having troubles now?"

Rachel sighed, "Ok…it's mine, you're right, I know. And I'm sorry about it. But I think I'm entitled to have doubts and fears, since I am the one who gave up the chance of a lifetime to get back together with him!"

"Honey, maybe you've got the right to have some doubts, but you don't have the right to be selfish and bitchy about it. After the engagement you promised Ross that you would never use the breakup story as a weapon to hurt him anymore."

Rachel stood up from the couch, passionate about the heated discussion she was having with her best friend, "But that is not the problem we fought about this time! I am not afraid that he can cheat on me, I've forgiven him for that, God it's been almost ten years! What I'm scared about it's his behavior. I don't want him to become the immature Ross who thought that could possess me and decide whether or not I could work with a man, share an office with him, tell me what I could do or not do or hide messages from me!"

Monica waited a couple of seconds to reply, "Well...it seems to me that today the only one immature turned out to be you."

Rachel thought about the conversation with Ross on the elevator. She remembered his expression when he'd told her, Well, this silence is enough as an answer.

"God, you're right Mon. I made such a mistake, what was I, crazy? And now I don't know what to do! Please Mon, I need your help…"

"Well…I think you should really give him some space if that's what he wants. I'm pretty sure everything will be fine, Ross can't stay angry at you for a very long time, we all know that."

"Apparently he took the whole break thing pretty well, we eventually got over it after eight years, you know…" Rachel scoffed.

"Rachel…" Monica interrupted her, "Just do what he asked you to. Think about what he said and try to understand if you're really ready to trust him completely and forget about your stupid fears. You can't make a wedding work if you don't have trust. Don't you think I was afraid when Chandler was working in Tulsa? Of course, I had this little voice inside my mind that kept screaming incoherent words, and I was a little bit scared of the fact that something could happened seeing that he was so far…"

"And how could you live with that?" Rachel wondered.

"I've never doubted him. Not even once. Not even that Christmas when we found out that he was there with his coworker, Wendy, that slut."

Rachel laughed, feeling better for a couple of seconds.

"Well, I've always had faith in him. And that's what you should do, if you really loved my brother as you say."

Rachel made a half a smile, "Yeah…but Chandler never cheated on you, Mon. And that's a huge difference."

Rachel walked towards the window. The Apartment 20 had been vacant for a few months, but now a couple in their fifties had rent the place. Sometimes Rachel spied on them to see if they had friends coming to visit and she always found herself remembering the wonderful ten years she had spent in that place with the people that had also become her family.

The couple was sitting on the couch watching a movie, and the lights were off. Rachel remembered the pain she had felt the morning after she had discovered Ross's betrayal all those years back. It was true, she had totally forgiven him. But as Ross had said the night of their engagement, it was fair if she still had moments when she felt bad about it.

"Ok…well Rach, I'm going to tell you something, now, and I don't know if you're going to like it. Ross cheated on you that night, and that's a fact. Something that he finally agrees he did, too. But it was a huge mistake, he didn't do it on purpose. He's not a real cheater, that was a horrible stupid thing he did during the worst moment of crisis of your relationship. And maybe, if he hadn't done it, you would have split up anyway. We would never know."

"I didn't want to break up with him, Mon…"

"That's what you're saying now. But maybe it was how things were supposed to go, and you know that's true. You weren't ready for the commitment that your relationship needed at that moment. Ross was getting too needy, but you were becoming your own person. When you broke up you two grew up separately and you realized that you still loved each other and you couldn't live apart. You've always had this bond between you two, like when you got together and conceived Emma. And that's why I don't like calling Ross's mistake a cheat."

Rachel was surprised, "How long has this been your way of thinking?"

"It always has, honey. But today I feel I can finally tell you, because for the very first time I have the feeling that you're there, too."

Rachel sighed, pondering Monica's wise words.

"Honey, please. The past is in the past. Marry my brother and forget about all the stupid problems. Today it was Gavin, tomorrow it could be someone else. But you and Ross must be stronger than anything else. You were talking about having another baby, about moving…you can't do these things if you are not sure that your wedding will last forever and you won't fight anymore."

"Ok, Mon. Thank you." Rachel had a sudden thought when Monica mentioned the word baby "How's Emma?"

"She's sleeping. I let the twins at my mother's, she was so happy to spend some time alone with me. We made cookies." Monica laughed.

"You know, I was so excited to find a house next to you, guys. Now I'm wondering if that's ever going to happen."

Monica sighed slowly, "I'm sure it will, Rachel. Just listen to your heart. It's going to give you all the answers you need."

Rachel closed the connection and put the telephone on the side table next to the couch. She laid down and started to cry again, hoping that she would find a way to clear her mind once and for all.

By now it was almost midnight. Rachel was trying again to call Ross, but whenever she'd called him that night, he hadn't answered. She'd always found his cellphone turned off, and once she'd also found it busy. Wasn't he supposed to be with Chandler? Who was he talking to, then?

Maybe she was reading too much into it, maybe he was just talking to Joey, or maybe he had just called Monica to know if Emma was fine.

When Ross didn't answer for the fifth time, Rachel threw the mobile on the floor and it just broke. She looked at it, thinking that it was the symbol of their perpetual problematic relationship. Always in precarious balance, always waiting for something terrible to happen to cause trouble. A new job, a Chloe, a Bonnie, an Emily, a wedding in Vegas, a Jill, a Mona, a guy from a bar, a Gavin, even a Joey.

Rachel was pacing in her living room, decided to figure out what was really bothering her.

Monica was right, the past was in the past. The last year with Ross had been just wonderful. He had been an amazing partner, a lovely and devoted father and a caring friend.

Yes, because that's what she'd been truly afraid of missing the most when she'd gone back to his apartment the night before leaving for Paris: her friend. Ross wasn't only the man that she loved, but also a friend, someone that really knew her.

Joey's departure for Los Angeles had really left her bereft, she'd missed her best friend, her partner in crime, and Ross had realized that. With Chandler far from the city, too, Rachel needed not only an amazing boyfriend, but also someone she could tell her secrets and stories, someone she could watch romantic movies and soap operas with.

Yes, since Rachel had gotten off that damned plane, Ross had been just perfect and lovely and he had given her that. He had even agreed to record his favorite documentaries on Discovery Channel only to comply and watch some futile gossip program with her on E! from time to time. If that wasn't a perfect relationship, what was it, Rachel thought.

"We are - we're done being stupid."

"Okay. You and me, alright? This is it."

"This is it."

The words they had spoken that night echoed in Rachel's mind as a reminder of their promise to each other. And she finally had an epiphany.

She had been the immature one. And she needed to take full responsibility for that.

"Full…responsibility…" she murmured.

Rachel ran to their bedroom, looking madly for that stupid letter. She knew that Ross kept it in his closet because when she'd come back living to the apartment, they had showed each other their respective boxes. Rachel still kept all the mementos of their relationship in her Ross's box, and he knew it, but she'd been flattered to find out that Ross had a Rachel's box too.

Here it is.

She found the letter. The damned 18-pages-front-and-back-letter that she'd written to him all those years ago. She sat on the bed. She knew that if she wanted to understand something about herself, that night, she had to read it again for the first time in her life.

After reading a couple of pages, she realized how sappy that sounded. The current Rachel would never write something like that. She was starting to realize why Ross had felt bad in reading it. There were all those insinuations about his infidelity, his insecurities and his incapability of having a relationship, where did they come from? Before the whole Mark situation, Ross had been a wonderful boyfriend, and Rachel was asking him to get back together by underlining every little fault he had?

Rachel kept on reading: there was no single word of regret in her sentences. She didn't mention having something to do with the troubles in their relationship. She never mentioned the fact that she kept staying at work even when it was not necessary, or that she had missed Ben's birthday because she'd gone to a Bloomingdale's party with Mark and Sophie only to make Joanna happy. That letter was all about Ross's infidelity and the fact that if he wanted to get back together with her, he needed to accept the full responsibility of what had happened.

What the hell had she been thinking that night? Was she so selfish not to realize that a relationship is made by two people?

And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!

Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!

Ross had tried to tell her that night, after their final break up, but she didn't want to listen back then. Now she was starting to understand what he meant.

Maybe, if she hadn't written that damned letter, they would have been together since then. No Emily at all, no Joshuas and Tags, no weird feelings for Joey, and especially no divorce.

Page after page, Rachel kept reading, until, overwhelmed by the events of the day and tired by all the tears and the thinking, she fell asleep.

Rachel opened her eyes.

There was a weird silence, around her. But there wasn't only silence, there was also the sound of the waves that enveloped her like a sweet lullaby.

She was wearing a dark orange bikini and her short hair was moved by a light breeze. The sun was beaming and hot.

In front of her, she could only see the ocean. The light blue Hawaiian sea, with its waves moving on and off her feet.

Rachel smiled, she was feeling so satisfied and happy.

She entered into the sea and she started to swim, wanting to feel the sensation of the water on her skin.

But when she took some distance from the shore, suddenly she realized that she couldn't see it no more. She was alone in what had become a deep blue see.

She turned in every direction and all at once three little small islands appeared not far from her. But she didn't know which one was the island she was supposed to reach.

She was scared, she didn't know what to do. She liked the sea, but she was lost, she'd never felt so frightened and alone in her whole life. She knew she had to pick one of the islands, because soon she would be too tired to keep swimming. But choosing was too difficult, they all looked beautiful and attractive.

She swam towards the islands and finally she noticed that in the middle one, there was someone standing next to the palm trees, waiting for her.

In the end, it was the idea of being with someone else that made her decide. She swam as quick as she could towards the middle island.

Rachel dragged herself out of the water and she stood up, noticing that the man was turned around, she could only see his back. His hair was gray, he was wearing a white shirt and a pair of brown linen trousers.

He was barefoot and he was looking at the sky, his arms crossed on his chest.

Rachel couldn't see his face yet, but she knew she was attracted to him.

"Hey?" she patted him on the shoulder.

The man turned around and Rachel eventually recognized him.

The man was Ross.

But he wasn't as young as he was now. He was older, probably in his sixties.

And yet, his smile was the same as always. The magnetic, cute, childish smile she'd fallen in love with. With those small dimples that appeared in his cheeks when his lips began to curve to smile.

"I've been waiting for you." he said.

He took her hands in his, and Rachel smiled.

When she looked at their hands, joined together, she noticed that they were both wearing wedding bands. Rachel took the ring from her finger and she read the inscription.

Trust ∞

The older version of Ross stared at her and smiled again, stroking her cheeks.

"You were worth the wait, Rachel." He told her.

Rachel closed her eyes and squeezed the ring in her hands, feeling the tears streaming down her face.

"Rachel." She heard his voice calling her, soothing, almost whispering.

She opened her eyes and saw once again the old Ross smiling at her.

"Rachel."

Rachel opened her eyes and found herself on her bed, she touched the blanket almost expecting to find the ring that she was holding in her dream a few seconds before.

It had seemed so real.

Ross was sitting next to her, his hand was caressing delicately her shoulder. Rachel jumped from her position. So it was his voice that she had just heard in the dream.

She looked at him, noticing that this was her actual boyfriend, without gray hair and wrinkles. She didn't search for permission when she hugged him tightly.

"Ross! Please, don't leave me anymore!" she blurted out, without even thinking coherently.

Ross squeezed his eyes and held her close to him, "I am here, Rach."

"Honey, I was stupid, I love you!" she took his face in her hands, "You were right, I had to trust you, I had to tell you about Gavin as soon as I found out, but you have to believe me, I trust you, totally. I am SO ready to marry you!"

Ross smiled, "Really?"

"Yes, I want to grow old with you and have other babies with you…you are the mate that life has chosen for me. Please, tell me that everything's going to be fine…"

Ross shook his head and held her again, speaking in her ear, "I am so sorry, Rach, I was an idiot. I shouldn't have left like that; it was just an impulsive reaction; this was all my fault!"

"Well, now you're being terribly sympathetic about that!" Rachel laughed.

Ross chuckled, "No, I'm serious, I was just worried because I thought you were sure you couldn't trust me and I was afraid that…"

Rachel stopped him, "That's nonsense. You were right to ask me to think about it. I actually did, sweetie. You have my total trust, and my total forgiveness, for everything. The past is in the past; what matters is who we are now. And I must say, I ain't no saint…"

"What do you mean?"

Rachel showed him the pieces of paper she was reading, "Remind you of anything?"

"What were you doing with that?" Ross wondered.

"I was reading all the things I wrote to you. And…I fell asleep."

"ON YOUR LETTER?!" Ross shouted, mimicking her past reaction.

They both started to laugh, then kissed for the first time that night. Ross was so relieved that they had made it through that.

"Honey, now I know how you felt after reading this. I mean, that was crazy! Eighteen pages!"

"Front and back!" Ross agreed.

"Yeah! You were so right, it was both our fault, Ross. I turned you into that…monster of jealousy. Our relationship wasn't healthy enough back then, we had to grew as single individuals. You had the terrible scar of your first divorce and you weren't ready to trust me completely, and I was too devoted to my job to understand that you needed a more caring girlfriend."

Ross nodded and sighed, happy that Rachel had realized something that he'd been thinking about for years. "I know, Rach. Look at us now. We can be unique persons and a perfect couple at the same time."

"Yeah…and really, I promise, I'll tell you everything from now on, Ross. No more secrets."

"And I swear, I am not jealous of Gavin."

"Well, he wasn't lying about the dinner with his girlfriend, anyway. He's kind of sweet, he really wanted to help me getting things straight with you. Even three years ago, before we had that fight, he was the one who told me that we should have talked and sort things out between us."

Ross thought about it, "Mmm…Charlie too had understood that between us there was something and that we needed to get back together. It's like if everybody realized how much we are meant for each other even before us. Are we nuts?"

"Totally!" Rachel kissed him again, grinning for how much happy she felt. "Ross…Is the wedding still on?"

"Oh, Rach…" he gave her another peck, "Of course. It was never off. It was only on standby."

Rachel laughed, "Good."

Ross looked straight into her eyes, "Honey, what helped you change your mind?"

Rachel thought about her dream. It was something private, but she felt that Ross needed to know this. So she told him everything, about the ocean, about the fear of getting lost, and about the feeling of safety she'd felt when she'd found him on the island and realized that they'd been already married for years.

"Rach, I think this is the sweetest thing I've ever heard…"

"What do you think it meant?" she asked him.

Ross smiled, "That you were looking for a constant in your life, and you found it."

Rachel nodded, agreeing.

"Or maybe that we really need to get married if you don't want me to get that old before you become Mrs. Geller!"

Rachel grinned, "Now you're going to think that I am afraid of the wedding."

"Not at all." Ross reassured her, stroking her hair. "Though, I was thinking that we should put that inscription on our rings."

Rachel chuckled, "What, Trust and the infinite symbol? Really?"

Ross nodded. Rachel thought about it. It was so different from the normal cliché of putting the initials or each other names on the rings.

"Monica is going to kill us for not respecting the tradition."

"I don't care. It's our wedding. And we are entitled to do whatever makes us happy."

Rachel smiled, agreeing with Ross, "Ok, then."

"Fine. And now, tell me. How much tired are you?"

Rachel smiled, "Well, all the excitement will probably keep me up all night. Why, what was on your mind?" She looked at him, naughtily.

Ross chuckled, "No, it's not that, actually…I wasn't able to wish you a proper happy birthday and it's May the 6th already. So I want to apologize and…"

"Honey! You don't have to apologize, it's only my fault if we didn't spend the day together!"

"That's not true, I'm the idiot who went away and left you alone!"

"Ok, then idiot it is." Rachel replied, laughing along with her fiancé.

Ross gave her a lovely peck and caressed her hair again, "Anyway, I've got a surprise…and I can't wait to show you."

Rachel looked questioningly at him. "Ok…"

"It's your birthday gift. I know we had agreed that because of the wedding we shouldn't get presents for each other this year, but…I had this weird feeling that you were lying to test me."

"Oh, you know me so well!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands.

"The problem is…I don't have it here, with me…"

Rachel started to smile, "Oh, you hid it at Monica's, right?" Rachel wondered.

Ross smiled to himself, "Kind of. How about we go and take it now?"

"But…honey, they'll be asleep now, and so is Emma!"

Ross smiled and showed her the keys of his sister's home. He had thought about everything. Rachel, who wasn't tired at all, looked at him and grinned in response.

Ross parked the car in front of a lovely house that resembled the one of Chandler and Monica. Even if it was dark, though, Rachel noticed that it wasn't her best friends' residence.

"Honey, I know it's late, but you got the wrong way. Chandler and Monica's house is a couple of blocks from here, where are we?" Rachel asked Ross.

Ross didn't answer, he simply smiled and get off the car, closing the door behind him. Rachel stared at him curiously as he walked on the other side of the car to open her door. It was almost two o' clock and nobody was around on that hot Thursday night.

"Come with me." Ross asked Rachel, opening her door.

"But…what's going on?"

Rachel came out of the car and noticed a "FOR SALE" sign hanging on a pole driven in the ground. A weird sensation pervaded her. She finally recognized the house as a wonderful place she had visited with Monica before Emma's birthday. She had loved it so much that she'd started to think about moving to the suburbs.

"Ross, why are we here?" she wondered.

Ross took a bunch of keys from his pocket and showed it to Rachel, "This…is your birthday gift."

"What do you mean?" Rachel grinned.

"Monica told me that you came to see this house together a few weeks ago during an Open House. So, I called Chandler's realtor tonight and I made an offer."

"Oh my God!"

"She texted the former owners and they replied even if it was a little late and…they accepted."

Rachel jumped, "So we got the house!? Ross why didn't you tell me?"

Ross smiled, "I wanted to surprise you…and I wanted to pull-a-Ross so badly!" he laughed.

"This is HUGE! Honey I loved this house, but how crazy are you, did you make an offer without even see it?"

Ross shook his head, "I just know that we have the same taste in decoration and interior design, and I wanted to give you everything you've ever wanted. Monica said that when you saw this house you couldn't help talking about it."

"Yes, but…"

"No buts, Rach. It's ours. We'll be able to move right after the wedding, so that we can start our new life together here after the honeymoon."

Rachel had a sudden thought, "So that's why I couldn't reach you tonight when I found your mobile busy…you were talking to Monica and then to the realtor?"

"Yes…why?"

"Well…I think I might have accidentally broken my mobile phone."

Ross grinned and put his arms around her waist, "Accidentally, huh?

"Ross, this is the best gift I've ever gotten." She confessed.

"Better than a boat?" Ross wondered, thinking about the gift Dr. Green had bought for his daughter for her fifteenth birthday.

"Much better. At least, I won't have to share this with my sisters!"

"I SO hope not!" Ross smiled.

Note of the Author:

This chapter is dedicated to my sister Lidia.

She told me about this dream that she had last summer. She was swimming in the sea and she was feeling fine and happy.

When she told me about it, I felt I could use this inspiration for a chapter in the fiction.

Lidia has always loved Rachel, so she became my model to help Rachel realize how much she needed to trust Ross and to build a life with him.

I also have to confess that this chapter contains another reference to my life: the idea of the inscription on the wedding bands is mine.

When I got married, we decided to put this inscription on the rings: Trust ∞

I just love it. Because I really think that a marriage is based on trust, maybe even more than love.