"Mom?"
An echo down to nothing. It never seems to reach. It just dies into thin air and every time, it scares him. She's there, but the solitude is too loud. The loneliness gets heavier by the day, and by night, it suffocates him. Just leaving the slightest bit of oxygen for him to hang on. He doesn't really know what he's hanging on to.
He only sees her back most days, her face hidden away and her long hair draped over her right shoulder. He can see the outline of her scapula, sharp and jutting out at him, daring him to come near and disturb her. He wants to reach for her, cut himself as he tries and just be held in her arms tightly like she used to. When he was still around…
It doesn't hurt as much. When he feels it, it leaves a smile on his face, that turns into something of a grin. What she offers are the dark purple marks he finds on his arms and legs. It makes him feel like he's still alive and she still needs him. When his eyes drip, he knows he's happy.
This time, though, he feels no sense of joy. It's dark inside of him, empty and hungry for something real. Hungry for anything. Just something to remind him that he deserves to be here. That he belongs in this damned world.
She never notices him, nor does she seem to hear him. She mutters to herself and her shoulders hunch tighter, like she's holding back pain. Or was it laughter? When he's standing there, waiting for her, she likes to know that he would do anything to get her to pay attention. She drowns herself and she chuckles.
His eyes leave bleeding holes into her back as he turns away, the book still in his iron grasp. His legs are heavy, but they lead him elsewhere, further away from her, further away from what he calls home. Before he realizes, the soft afternoon breeze tickles his back, trying to do away with what clings to him. But he's numb. Like her, nothing can reach him. In this way, he is connected to her as her own flesh and blood. He's okay with this, it's all he wants.
His feet drag on the asphalt, picking up grating sounds that surround him. There are few people, but to him, he is alone. It has always been this way.
His head begins to ache, like it usually does when he's resisting. He can hear his cursed heart beating in his ears and the heat rising to his face. He sniffs and brings a palm up to his right eye, rubbing briskly and hating how weak he is.
This is how it is. She loves her son.
He pauses, allowing the orange sun to beat down and soak through his pale skin. He continues rubbing his eyes with his forearm, waiting for the heat rays to reach him and provide him with the warmth he needed. It's quiet again, with only his shuddering breath.
I'm lucky to be alive…right mom?
He winces when the bright rays hit his closed eyes, the low conversation from the radio entering his ears. He slowly awakens from his long nap and peers out the window to his left. The small town on the outskirts of Tokyo are finally in view and it sparks his energy as he pulls himself upright and continues staring off at the expansive river just beyond the grassy hill. It seems to last forever and the water sparkles against the sun that's soon to set.
"We're almost there," the deep voice of his father announces. He could tell his father's exhausted, but content at reaching their destination. Their new home.
A sense of excitement and anxiety courses through his body, and with it there is a hint of sadness lingering along. He thinks about what they left behind, and what will come ahead. He's nervous about being an unknown, and when he thinks of his mother, it isolates him further. He glances at his father's focused expression and quickly turns his attention to the window again before he catches his eyes.
About a half hour later, the sun is now glowing red and his father pulls up in front of their apartment complex. The boy is all but eager to leave the car, and he springs out the other side to stretch his limbs the second it stops. He looks up at their apartment, cast in shadows, and he smiles a bit.
He's got to be happy.
He hears his father beginning to take out the boxes, still avoiding the older man's gaze. Instead, he stays transfixed to the distance, wanting so badly to explore and just forget for a while. If only for a minute.
The older man seems to read his son's mind when he utters the next few words. "You go on and come back in an hour. I'll get started on unpacking and finishing up the last paperwork."
The boy turns his head, finally returning his father's gaze. His eyes are kind and tired, but the boy knows he feels the same. It won't go away any time soon.
He gives a small smile and promises his father before beginning his exploration.
"Don't go too far!"
He keeps that last request in mind and knows where he intends to visit. Just a few blocks down the street, there is a small neighborhood playground he noticed during the drive. If he could just have a space of serenity to himself for once, he would be pleased. He retraces the way he thinks is correct based on what he saw on the road, keeping track of time on the watch his father gave him. A stranger goes by on his bike and the boy grins, hoping he could get his own soon to allow himself more freedom to roam.
More minutes pass, and the confidence the boy had based on his memory dwindles. He has no choice but to ask directions, and thankfully, a young woman and her child are kind enough to show him the way. He's running now, knowing he won't have much time left if he continues to stroll.
He bends over his knees to catch his breath and when he looks up, the playground is in view. Like a mini paradise, he lets out a sigh of relief and returns to a walking pace. The sun casts its red glow on the metal bars and lone swing set, and it's dead silent. He ponders what part of the playground he should start on first until something catches his sights.
He isn't completely alone, and at first, he thinks he'd be disappointed, but it's the opposite. He fiddles with the hem of his red shirt, hesitating before deciding to go forward. The other person, another boy, becomes clearer the more distance he closes between them. Once he's at least a few feet away, he finds the boy is digging in the sandbox. The other boy's hunched back is facing him and the boy watches closely as the other boy seems to be strangely intent on making a large hole in the sand.
And with his bare hands… he notes.
He realizes too late that he's been staring too long and before he could do anything, the other boy pauses abruptly. The boy freezes and watches as the other turns his head.
Round, large eyes with the color of an overcast day. Grey, distant, unsure. His cheeks are streaked with moisture and his wide eyes set upon him with surprise. The boy swallows lightly and takes a few more steps forward. The other boy doesn't move an inch but keeps a steady gaze on him, his grey eyes slightly dilated and now full of something else.
Wonder.
Blond, messy hair that looks soft to the touch. It's different and no one else in this town has the same. This other boy is different and for some reason, he finds himself barely breathing. Is he scared? He doesn't know what's going on exactly, but he hasn't felt this way before. The other boy's mere presence had interrupted his intense state, leaving him confused. The other boy is now standing right in front of him, and he blinks and breaks their extended eye contact, staring down at his hands and feeling embarrassed at how dirty they are with sand. He clenches his tiny hands and he could sense the other boy's lingering stare. His ears flush pink and he then tries to get the sticky sand off his skin, realizing just how messy he made himself.
What does he want? He should just go away…
"Umm…hello."
He stops rubbing his hands together and slowly raises his head, looking up to see the other boy giving him a smile. Warm and innocent, an expression he hasn't seen in a while. His mother's smiles are not the same. Not genuine like his.
"Whatcha doin' there?" the other boy asks. His smile grows as he tilts his head.
He feels his cheek redden, having briefly forgotten what he was occupied with before he came along. Glancing back at the gaping hole he is sitting in, he doesn't know how to answer.
"Mind if I play with ya?" the other boy continues with enthusiasm. When he braves a look at his eyes, they hold no hidden agenda, no darkness. They are pure, honest, too open. The opposite of what he is used to, and it leaves him on guard. A different type of fear takes hold of him.
The other boy moves closer when he finds no answer, making his way next to him in his makeshift pit. "I can help you make this bigger if you want. You trying to bury yourself or something?" the blond child jokes, his smile never wavering.
His throat feels constricted suddenly. "Y-Yes…" His voice lets out a rasped whisper and his eyes widen further when he catches on to what he uttered without warning.
The other boy's hearing is too sharp and he turns his attention back on the boy, "Wait, did you just speak? Did you just say 'yes'?"
The other boy's excitement rises and it overwhelms him. He lowers his head, avoiding the other's brown eyes that seem to glow too bright. The boy's energy resonates too strongly. He is clueless in his presence and it confuses him to no end.
Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.
"We could do that. Bury ourselves like I see people do at the beach. I've never done it before but…I guess I'm willing to eat sand today…"
His lips twitch and before he can stop himself, he lets out something else that succeeds in making the other beam brighter.
"Was that funny?" the other boy questions once more, amused at what he heard to be the smallest of chuckles.
He hesitates, wringing his gritty hands together before looking up to meet those eyes again. Whereas the other's gaze is welcoming and kind, his are uncertain. His brows furrow slightly and even if he wants to hide, he can't. This other boy is preventing it. He should tell him to go away. He should hate him for entering his space.
"Oh, wait! I almost forgot…" The other boy extends his hand and he admires the natural rosiness his skins holds, unlike his own pale complexion. He can't help but smile a bit when the other boy grins like he's never faced a dreadful day.
"My name is Hideyoshi Nagachika, but you can call me 'Hide'!" he states. He scratches the back of his head with his other hand and chuckles lightly. "Blame my parents for my ridiculously long name, right?"
Hide…
He doesn't remember the last time anyone has introduced themselves to him willingly like that in the short years he's been alive. Ever since he started grade school, it was an obligation and those willing only did so towards those who were considered 'the best.' He hates presenting himself. It usually brings on snickers and whispers of disdain.
Weirdo. Freak.
He places his hand in Hide's and the other's fingers wrap gently around his. A rush of warmth goes through him, as if the energy that comes from Hide is surging right through him with just a simple touch. He doesn't want to let go. He uncurls his fingers and tightens around the other, who in turn, begins to shake his hand in greeting.
"I'm Ken Kaneki…b-but most people just call me Kaneki…" he stutters in a small voice.
Hide places his free hand over the other's. "Well, Kaneki, I'm happy to meet you. I hope we can be good friends," he replies, patting his hand.
He nods his head, the newfound warmth not leaving him even when Hide lets him go to turn his attention back on the pit they were both sitting in.
"Now what was I gonna do…oh yeah…lemme go find something to help make this bigger, yeah?"
Kaneki's gaze follows the human ball of energy dash right to the public bathroom nearby and he observes in amusement as the blond begins crawling on the filthy ground to find god knows what. Hide continues going about in random directions around the bathroom facility and even dares to poke his hand through the surface of the trash can to attain what he wants.
His mouth parts in awe and confusion when Hide raises a fast food midsize cup in the air with a huge grin, like he won a trophy, before he disappears into the restroom. In what feels like a second, the boy returns outside at a slower pace, being more careful with the cup he is carrying.
"Here!" Hide exclaims and then pours the water from the cup onto the sand. "This will help us dig a little easier, I think…" His eyes catch onto Kaneki's bare, raw hands and then the boy's expression, which no longer shows any sign of anxiety like before. Hide looks over his shoulder before saying, "I can find you a cup too so you don't have to dig with your hands anymore."
"Y-You don't have to…" Kaneki finally speaks up. "I-I mean, the trash is dirty and I don't think you shoul-"
"Nope! I'm finding another one! Wait here!" Hide cuts him off and then runs right back to the same trash can before Kaneki can say any more.
Kaneki can't help but smile again when he sees his new friend speeding back and forth between the bathroom and the trash can before returning to him like an overactive puppy.
"You better wash your hands after all that…" Kaneki reminds him, laughing lightly when he takes the second cup from his friend. He watches as Hide sets down other random containers he found in the trash to serve as water vessels.
Hide scoffs, rolling his eyes playfully. "Who are you, my mom? We've got a mission, soldier!"
Hide beams when he manages to make the other laugh again. As the two begin their play, Kaneki glances at the boy next to him, who was already making huge progress on the pit as he hauls multiple cupfuls of sand over his shoulder. Instead of going off in a different direction, Kaneki decides to stay near his companion, following right behind him as Hide continues to expand the pit. Shoulder-to-shoulder, the pair work in comfortable silence as the sun descends and the skies turn purple with remnants of orange streaks tracing the clouds. The sounds of their paper cups shoveling through the sand permeate the still night air around them and Kaneki feels the emptiness inside him dissipate, occupied with new emotions that overtake him the more he stays by this boy's side. Occasionally, Hide accidentally tosses sand on Kaneki's head with his reckless digging, causing the black-haired child to flinch, which in turn sparks the other to turn rapidly and spit out a rapid onslaught of apologies.
When his friend's fingers briskly brush the sand off his head and shoulders, the smile that was brought on by the boy in front of him lingers and he feels heat beneath his cheeks. He closes his eyes for a moment, causing the other to pause.
"Are you okay? Did I get sand in your eye? I'm sorry!" Hide apologizes once more, bending closer to see his face.
Kaneki merely shakes his head in response and he looks directly into the other's eyes, marveling in the brown irises he sees. "I'm fine, Hide, don't worry," he replies, a warm smile set on his face.
Hide stares at the expression he receives; the boy in front of him looks at peace and he lets out a dramatic sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. That would've been a bad first impression when we literally just met…" he mutters to himself. He gets back on his knees, taking extra care to toss the sand less vigorously.
He notices Kaneki inching closer to him again, close enough that their elbows graze as they continue. A few moments later, he sneaks a glance at his friend, who then stands up to retrieve more water for the sand. He waits until the other emerges from the bathroom and when he sends him a close-eyed grin, he notices Kaneki lowering his head before raising it slowly and smiling in return.
Another hour passes them by and when they step back to admire what they've done, the small pit had turned into a mini, winding trench that reached to the other side of the sandbox. Hide beams at their work and he looks at his companion, who was already staring right at him with a pleased expression of his own.
"Well…looks like this is it, huh? Unless you want to add like little buildings or something," he suggests, glancing down at the worn-out cup in his hand.
Kaneki looks up at the sky, noticing that the sun was long gone and his eyes widen in realization. "It's already night?"
Hide follows his gaze and gasps. "Oh crud…Dad's gonna kill me…"
Kaneki gives a sad smile, rubbing his right hand over his left forearm. "We should probably wash up now…"
"Ugh, yeah, good idea. I should have listened to you earlier." Hide scrunches his nose in disgust as he hastily rubs his hands together to get some of the sand off. In the corner of his eye, he notices Kaneki quickly walking back to retrieve something before he catches up to him.
The two of them take adjacent sinks, Kaneki smiling at Hide's off-hand comments of how sticky and annoying sand could get as they cleanse the grime of their teamwork.
"Ew, ew, ew," Hide repeats in a joking manner. He scrubs the rest of the sand off before eyeing Kaneki calmly washing his arms and then flicking water at the other's direction. Kaneki closes his eyes for a brief second before retaliating and taking a handful of water, splashing it at Hide's face.
Hide coughs a little as some gets into his nose, but he laughs all the same. "Okay, ya got me!" He spits some sand out of his mouth and grimaces. "Why does the water taste all funky? Weird. Hah, imagine if I get sick after this."
"I told you, you didn't have to go searching for things in the trash," Kaneki reminds him quietly as Hide checks to see if there's sand in his hair.
"Yeah, mom, I heard you the first time. Now my dad's really going to kill me. Look at how dirty I am. It's everywhere!" Hide shouts at himself, noticing sand was all over his shirt and shorts.
Kaneki looks down at himself as well and finds he's in about the same shape as his friend. "Well…my mom won't care either way, I guess…"
Hide huffs in exasperation. "Moms and dads, right? Whatever."
Hide walks over to grab some paper towels, handing some to Kaneki and they both quickly dry off. The blond child peers down at the book tucked under the other's arm. "What's that book?" he asks, tossing the paper away in the bin behind his friend.
Kaneki slowly glances at the novel he has and takes it from under his arm. "…A book," he replies shortly.
Hide snorts. "Yeah, smart one, I know that much. What kind of book?" he questions again, tilting his head to look at the title.
Kaneki gives a small smile before handing the eager boy his novel. Hide narrows his eyes as he thumbs through the many pages, finding it was all small text. "What the…how can you read this? Isn't this like super hard to understand?" Hide states in awe. He flips back and forth to see if there are any pictures but finds none.
"Umm…yeah, sometimes…" Kaneki answers, scratching his right cheek and blushing slightly.
"Why, why do you do this to yourself? My brain hurts just looking at it," Hide says, turning his head away and shoving the book back in Kaneki's grasp.
Kaneki chuckles and hugs the book close to his chest. "My father read these hard books. When I read them, I feel closer to him, like he's right here with me."
Hide pauses, noticing the way Kaneki worded his response. "Where's your dad?" he says gently.
Kaneki's grey eyes darken and he stares at a small puddle near Hide's left foot. "Gone… Mom says it's been…two years since…"
Silence sets upon them for a moment, the dripping of the faucet echoing in their ears. Hide clenches his fists and his eyes stay on Kaneki's lowered head, a knowing look on his face.
"I'm sorry. It hurts a lot. I lost someone too. My mom…a few months ago…"
Kaneki gasps and he quickly raises his head, seeing the boy in front of him. There is a smile still, albeit a much sadder one, and there is an embedded darkness in the other's eyes that Kaneki knows all too well. His heart clenches at the sight, and speaking about his father begins to hurt much less in comparison to what's in front of him. He doesn't like what he's seeing, his friend looking so distant in a mere second. He wants it to go away, so he reaches out and grasps the other boy's hand in his and squeezes hard. Hide meets his gaze and he finds concern in the other's round eyes.
Suddenly, Kaneki is lost for words when Hide's intense gaze sets on him and his mouth opens to say something, anything.
"I…I…"
Like a blink of an eye, Hide's vibrant energy returns to him and he grins again, placing a hand on Kaneki's head and ruffling his black hair. "How old are you anyway?" he asks out of nowhere.
Kaneki pauses at the change of subject and swallows what he wanted to say before answering. "Six…"
"Six? You're six-years-old and reading adult novels like that? You really are a smarty-pants!" Hide comments and pats Kaneki's cheek before walking right past him. He crosses his arms behind his head. "I'm six too, but I could never bring myself to sit down and read like that. No way…"
Kaneki places a hand on the cheek Hide touched and smiles slightly. "I'm sure you can."
"Nah, I don't think so. I'd rather eat sand." Hide then turns around and presses his hand together as if in prayer. "Ah! Don't take that the wrong way. I'm talking about myself!"
Kaneki shakes his head and knocks his book gently on Hide's forehead. "I get it. Let's go."
Hide lets Kaneki take a few steps ahead of him as he looks down at the hand that his friend had grabbed to snap him back. He clenches his hand, his eyes staring at a muddy footprint on the bathroom floor before breathing in and leaving the vicinity.
Kaneki feels his heart beating under his fingers as he listens to Hide's road trip to the neighborhood. Learning that Hide is new to this side of Tokyo and that he'd attend the same school as him next month brings up another emotion that Kaneki hasn't felt in a long time. Excitement. He feels happy that he is the first to become Hide's friend, as he too is Kaneki's first. At the same time, he is unsure. He wonders how long he will last as Hide's friend. He wonders how fast Hide will realize other people are so much cooler, realize how much of a drag he is, and why no one bothered to be his friend all this time. Most of all, however, there is the nagging thought of whether Hide would accept who he really is, and the thought frightens him more than ever. His mother had fallen down the same path, and as far as he knows, it seemed to bring her more pain than joy. He knows his existence contributes to that pain.
He's going to leave. He won't want me. He'll hate me.
"Man, you don't know how nervous I was when I first came up to you," Hide confesses, scratching the back of his head.
Kaneki snaps out of his reverie and looks at him in shock. "What? Why?"
Hide shrugs and smiles warmly at him, his eyes staring through his. "Something about you made me nervous…but I can't really figure out what…"
Hide's gaze makes him feel hot and he knows his cheeks are burning up again. "Now you're making me nervous…"
"No, no, it's not bad, trust me. I dunno…but I'll tell you when I know what it is," Hide replies, patting his friend on the back.
Kaneki nods, still curious of what his friend was thinking but seeing that Hide is deep in thought, he figures he'd let it pass for now.
The two of them walk side-by-side down the vacant pavement in the dark, save for a few street lights down the way. He finds solace when he is by Hide's side, but a thought strikes him and he says it out loud.
"Hide, are you sure you don't want me to walk you home? I know my way around pretty well, and it's dangerous out here at night, especially if you're alone," Kaneki tries again to convince him.
Hide waves it off and places his arms behind his head. "No, it's okay. What kind of friend would I be if I let a bookworm like you get lost in the dark?"
Kaneki doesn't let up and moves to stand in front of his friend. A look of worry is written all over his face, causing Hide to stop in his tracks. "I may be just a kid, but I'm a lot tougher than I look," he says sternly, his grey eyes pleading with the other.
Hide hesitates, acknowledging Kaneki's concern and brings his arms back down to his side. "Is…is it really that bad here at night?"
Kaneki bites his lip and nods, his brows creasing with the memories of what goes on in the late hours.
Hide sighs and slowly nods in return. "Well, if you say so. But…" He looks around, finding it harder to figure out where his apartment complex is with minimal light. "…I'm not sure if we're closer to your place or mine."
Kaneki smiles. "It doesn't matter. I'll take you home and I'll protect you too."
Hide scoffs again and ruffles his friend's hair. "Protect me? With what, that heavy book?"
He gets clocked again with said book and he lets out an "ow" in response, rubbing the affected spot. "That hurt, right? So yes, I can protect you with this book if I need to," Kaneki replied, his smile growing.
"I'm doomed. And I've been in this town for what, seven hours?" Hide teases.
Just as they begin to turn back around, a loud honk scares the two of them, causing them to jump further in on the sidewalk as bright headlights come into their view.
"Hideyoshi!" a deep voice shouts and Hide immediately recognizes who it belongs to. His heart jolts in alarm as his father pulls up right next to them.
"Oh crap…" Hide mutters. Kaneki finds himself hiding behind his friend's back, peering over Hide's left shoulder.
The boy steels himself as his father comes charging out of the car, making his way around the front and towards his son. "I told you to come home within one hour. What happened? Did you get lost?" Mr. Nagachika questions, his hands on his hips.
"Sorry dad, I lost track of time…" he says quietly, casting his gaze down at his shoes.
His father sighs and notices Kaneki's eyes watching him. "And who may this be?"
Kaneki emerges from behind Hide, who smiles at him. "I made a friend when I was at the playground. His name is Kaneki."
The black-haired boy bows swiftly after the introduction. "Pleased to meet you, sir," he states politely.
Mr. Nagachika smiles warmly at the boy and bows back. Kaneki can't help but notice how similar his smile is to his son. He looks back at Hide, who's nervous due to his father's presence.
"Dad, if it's not too much trouble, could you drive Kaneki back home? I've been told it's dangerous at night around here," Hide requests, putting an arm around Kaneki's shoulders. The close contact takes Kaneki by surprise as his cheek nuzzles against Hide's shoulder. His body warmth hits him in an instant and it's all he could think of as Mr. Nagachika agrees.
"Hideyoshi, you should know that nighttime is never an appropriate time for kids to be exploring. Anyway, come along Kaneki. I'll take you to your home."
Hide whispers an enthusiastic "yes!" and pumps his fist in the air. Kaneki looks up at Mr. Nagachika and bows his head. "Thank you, sir, and sorry for the trouble."
The older man shakes his head in response and chuckles. "Please, there is no need for apologies. Let us go now, it is getting past both of your bed times, I'm sure."
"Dad, come on, it's not that late," Hide whines. His arm still stays around Kaneki as he guides his friend into the car.
Although he knows it won't be a long trip, Kaneki can't help the rush he feels as Hide scrambles over him to get to the middle of the backseat. The rush that keeps coming back when he looks over and sees his friend grinning back at him, the shadows of the night unable to take away that bright expression.
Mr. Nagachika readies himself behind the wheel and he takes a moment to look behind him at the boys. Noticing that his son is in higher spirits than he had been in the past few months, it refreshes him and brings some peace to his mind.
"All buckled up?"
The two boys nod in response and in no time, the car roars back to life and moves out on the main street. The short ride to Kaneki's home is quiet for the most part, aside from small talk that Hide's father initiates and the directions that Kaneki provides as they advance on the road. When no words are exchanged, he watches as Hide observes the passing buildings with intent focus, as if he is trying to memorize what he is seeing as best he could. Hide's shoulder brushes up against him, his hand absently placed on Kaneki's thigh as he gets so caught up in his sight-seeing, he is not aware of how he's nearly squishing his companion against the side door. Kaneki doesn't mind, doesn't really want to go home. The spot where he is right now, his personal bubble completely invaded by this boy who moves with no reservations; he wants to stay here.
His head brushes up against Hide's neck and his body warmth rises. Hide complains how it's getting harder to see where they are as the neighborhood darkens. When Hide finally pulls away to sit properly in place, his hand accidentally lays on top of his companion's. That turns his attention towards Kaneki, who was looking down at the contact.
"Oops, sorry," he mutters, withdrawing his hand.
Kaneki smiles and he tries to stifle a laugh. Hide looks at him curiously and Kaneki decides not to say anything. Hide then decides to randomly snatch the book from his friend's grasp again. He pinches all the pages between his fingers, measuring the thickness and whispering his thoughts.
"How do you stand to read this thing? How?" he jokes and flips the book over. He attempts to read the summary with the flashes of street light passing through.
Kaneki takes the time to admire his friend's messy hair that sticks up as the boy bows his head over the novel. He lets his hand hover above the spiky tufts of hair, amazed at how feathery soft it feels as the strands graze his fingertips. He pinches a lock between his thumb and index, and when he pulls away, it stays spiked up. Closer like this, he finds strands of brown mixed with the lighter color. Like the sun, he thinks. The boy beside him is like the personification of it. He feels his body leaning toward his friend too occupied to notice his discreet actions. He stops himself before he touches the other.
"Are we going in the right direction, Kaneki?" Mr. Nagachika asks.
He looks out the window and breathes in deep when he can see the familiar buildings that lead back to her. He exhales.
"Yes, sir."
They get lost a few times when it comes to finding the exact location of Kaneki's apartment, and by the time they stop at the correct place, Kaneki is surprised to see his mother outside in the parking lot. Her arms are crossed and when she spots the car, her eyes land on him through the car window almost instantly.
Kaneki hesitates, staying in his seat and already feeling his blood running colder. When his friend touches his shoulder, he is reminded that he can't stay forever. His senses are dulled and all he can register is the hand pressed on his back, which he presumes must be Hide's father as he guides him back to his mother. Hide is no longer near.
"Ken, there you are! I was so worried! You should not run off like that without warning me! I was so scared, Ken, please…" His mother sounds like she truly cares. Her voice convinces all with how frantic she sounds. Her cold hands reach for him and pulls him close to her chest.
He closes his eyes as he smells his mother's scent. She holds him for a long moment, arms tightening as she places a hard kiss on his head. He feels his heart swell and vision blurring too fast. His breathing is shaky as she strokes his hair, like she used to. He wishes this were real. When she pulls away to look at his face, his eyes widen when he sees her looking back with the warmth he thought was gone. She strokes his cheek with her dry fingers and the tears escape him.
"Don't do that to me again," she whispers. She clasps both sides of his face and he glances down at her collar bones before looking back into her eyes again. They are grey like his, and he doesn't understand why they are suddenly showing him love.
"I-I'm sorry, mom."
She keeps him close as she exchanges words with Mr. Nagachika. The conversation sounds friendly, he thinks. Of course. She is good at putting up that mask.
He feels her hand squeezing his arm, her nails almost digging into his skin. He wants to turn around to see his friend again, but something inside him tells him not to.
Just stay with mama like a good boy.
He can tell the exchange between the adults ends when his mother begins to pull him along back into their home. He can hear the car door slam shut and his breathing quickens. He stares down at his feet and thinks about before, when he was digging in the sandbox. How he wanted to disappear within the ground and with the sand eventually choking him.
It should have worked.
"Kaneki, wait!"
He stops in his tracks and his mother loosens his grip on him. He hears light footsteps running towards him and he finally turns around to see Hide, who grants him that bright grin once more. The boy holds up his book, his chest rising and falling from having sprinted out of the car.
"You forgot this, silly!" Hide states and shoves it into Kaneki's hands. "Although…" the boy scratches his cheek, "…I did kind of steal it."
Kaneki stares at him with wide eyes, holding the book to his chest. Hide returns his gaze and then gestures towards the book with his head. "I managed to read a little of the first chapter. I still don't understand a lot but…maybe we can read it together sometime?"
Once those words repeat in his brain, he nods instantly, his arms tighten around the novel, and a smile breaks out on his face, ear to ear. His mother squeezes his shoulders, but he keeps his focus on the boy in front of him.
Hide laughs and takes a few steps backward. "Just make sure I don't fall asleep when we do, okay? See you soon!"
Kaneki opens his mouth, wanting to say more but the other boy is already racing back to the car. Hide stays by the window, waving at him as the car drives away from them into the dark. He doesn't know how long he stands there, watching the same spot where Hide had left, until his mother brings him out of his trance with a pull of his arm.
He walks slowly inside the apartment, his feet dragging on the floor. His mother pats him on the head, telling him to get ready for bed before disappearing into her room, where he knows she would be working throughout the night as always.
Like on autopilot, his legs lead him to his own corner of the apartment. He sinks to his knees on the futon and then stares down at the book that's been by his side all day. He thinks about how Hide had been reading the same words he'd been reading and his heart beats a little faster. He bites his lower lip, finding himself grinning when he remembers his friend's words.
I'll see him again, won't I?
He lays on his side, the book still next to him. He places a hand over the left side of his chest, blood rushing to his face. For once, he feels warmth in this home, something he had been trying to find but couldn't seem to reach.
His eyes wander to the words printed on the back of his novel, though the words aren't what he's seeing. All he could see now is messy, blond hair, a smile too bright, and hands that held his with certainty.
He clenches the hand over his chest. Even if the other boy were to find someone else. Even if he were to never speak to him again, he wants to cherish this sliver of light he had discovered.
Whatever he is feeling, it's keeping him here. It's reminding him that he could have worth in this world. This warmth is real. Hide and him, and their new friendship, is real.