"Ken."
He flinches when he hears his mother's soft voice. He didn't expect her to speak to him, as the morning hours were usually her time to catch up on rest, not that she allowed herself much anyway. He stays frozen near her doorway, staring wide-eyed at her back until she turns to face him. She takes off her glasses and wipes them clear with the edge of her blouse before placing them back over her eyes. She motions for him to come closer with a slow wave of her hand.
He bites his lower lip as he complies with her silent request. His plans of visiting the playground again are dashed with every step he takes towards his mother. She is no longer looking at him when he stands a few feet in front of her. Her attention turns back to the set of white roses she had finished cutting and packing away.
"Do you remember what I told you?"
Her voice is soft as her gaze lingers on the table covered in thorns. His eyes narrow at the sharp points of the thorns and he swallows, his throat dry.
"About what, mom?"
"You're not like them." She finally looks at him. When was the last time he had seen a glint of life in her eyes? He cannot recall. "You're not like him, Ken."
It takes a moment before he catches on to what she is saying. He had almost forgotten, and frankly, he had been fine with being ignorant, if only for one night. But his mother is not one to forget when it comes to this, especially since it weighs so heavily on her now.
He rubs his hand over the surface of his left. "I…I know, but-"
"What did I tell you? I want to hear you say those words," she cuts him off.
Her tone is still low, but he can sense a hint of admonishment. If he says anything wrong, he knows she would be displeased in a matter of seconds. It is hard to read her, he thinks. Her eyes are blank and she makes no move to bring him closer.
He inhales slowly. "It's…dangerous for me to be close to any human. I need to keep my distance before I do something I'll regret…" He summarizes the main points she had been drilling into his brain since he could remember. He realizes she stresses the points more often, ever since his father's passing.
"That's right. I know you just made a new friend, but you know the consequences," she states.
He chews his bottom lip again and grips the bottom of his shirt. "I-I know all that, mom, but I don't think he would do anything bad. He's not like everyone-"
"You don't understand. You cannot allow anyone to get close. Absolutely no one," his mother interrupts again. There is no gentleness. It's cold and stern now.
There is a sinking feeling setting inside him and he tries to cling to whatever it was that kept his spirit up the night before. It's getting black again. Too dark and he thinks he tastes blood in his mouth.
"Please, mom, please…I'll be careful, I promise."
She shakes her head and releases a deep sigh. "Don't make me repeat myself."
"How can you tell me not to get close to anyone? I can't stand it, mom! You don't know how I feel!" He couldn't stop himself. Before he knows it, he's raising his voice at his mother, something he rarely ever did. At the same time, there is the cursed sting in his eyes and he knows he's not that strong.
"I'm so lonely...I can't stand being alone."
She laughs softly, something he didn't want to hear. She had avoided his eyes again and when she turns back, he sees nothing but the same pain she's been carrying. Her gaze is empty and it leaves him hollow as well.
"Lonely? How can you be lonely when I'm right here?"
Her words cut through him and he feels bare.
"You don't know what true loneliness is. This is nothing, Ken."
She reaches out and takes his wrist in her bony grasp. Her grip is tight and she lifts her other hand to his right cheek, stroking his bangs aside to see more of his tear-filled eyes.
"I'm telling you this for your safety. I don't want to see you get hurt by something you could have prevented. You're the only one I have left." She pulls him into her arms, resting her chin atop his head. He leans into her chest, hearing her slow heartbeat and feeling her stroke his hair. He should be happy that she's holding him close like he had wanted. Yet when he finally receives her affection, he doesn't feel anything. It's just like a knife that teases him. Leaving tiny cuts exposed to the icy air. Only she makes him bleed.
They stay together like that for a moment longer until she releases him, her hands placed on his shoulders as she watches him rub his eye.
"H-Have you been eating okay?" he asks quietly. He couldn't help but notice how thin she felt during their embrace. It scares him how she's losing weight so quickly.
"Don't worry about me. I am fine." She smiles and grasps her chin.
He wishes he could believe her.
"Please don't overdo it, mom. You need to rest," he reminds her.
He wishes she would listen.
"I am resting right now," she replies with a short laugh.
He stares down at her hands. His fingers roam over her palms that open for him and he feels the callouses and cracked skin. There are small scratches from the thorns, some bigger than others, some looking painful as it swells and feels hot to the touch.
She won't listen.
"Mom?"
"Hmm?"
He looks right into her eyes. "You're lonely? Even if I'm here with you?"
Her eyes grow darker than before. A dead silence fills the stagnant air, only the ticking of the clock on the wall penetrating through. There are no words and all he gets is a simple smile from her. An expression that never reaches her gaze anymore.
The doorbell of their apartment rings suddenly, followed by a hurried knock. Her head whips to the door immediately, her hands no longer in contact with him. She gets up off her knees and lets out another tired sigh as she rubs the back of her neck. His eyes grow wide and he watches every step she takes towards the entrance. He knows who is behind that door. Of all the times they had to be interrupted, he wishes the person outside no longer existed.
Sometimes, he even thinks about letting the other side of himself take over whenever that person comes by. How he wishes he could. He's thought about it every time the bell sounds and it triggers this instinct inside him. He places a hand over his left eye and grits his teeth.
The door opens.
"Sister! It's been a while!" That person, his aunt. Her voice is shrill to his ears and he despises it with every fiber of his being.
"Oh my, has two weeks flown by already?" his mother comments. Her fake laughter resonates throughout the front room.
"Already? I feel like it's been ages! I've missed you!"
"Oh…I'm sorry. I've been so busy…"
He sees them embrace. His aunt is a shadow in his eyes. He never bothers to keep her face etched into his memory.
"You've got to help me, sis."
The damned cycle continues.
"Last time wasn't enough?"
"I thought it would be! But things are just getting so stressful for me and my husband. Please…it's been so hard…"
He places his hands over his ears and turns away. He knows what will happen again and he hates it so much.
Go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away go away
"I don't know if I have much right now…"
"Anything is good enough for now. Anything!"
He wants her gone. He wants her to disappear. He wants her gone, gone, gone. Dead.
He can sense his mother pass him by to retrieve what his cursed aunt needs so earnestly. He imagines there is a sick grin on his aunt's face. One of the first parts of her he'd love to rip away if he was that ravenous. He knows he could do it.
So stupid, mother. You're so stupid.
His mother passes him again with quick footsteps. His fingers dig into his palms with great force. He wants something to distract him. He resists the urge to bite into his forearm.
"Oh, you're the best, sis. What would I do without you? I would be dead, you know that, right?"
Such exaggerated words that he wishes would come true.
Again, he imagines his aunt shuffling through the bills in her hands, that sickening grin growing wide enough to split her face and make her bleed to death. Then his mother wouldn't be able to stop him when he pounces and drinks that blood.
Thirsty. Hungry. Sounds nice.
"I only hope that you are happy and safe. That is all I want."
What about me, mom?
His mother gasps when his aunt brings her into another tight embrace.
"Don't work too hard, sister. I need you to stay healthy too."
I hate you!
"Goodbye. Please, take care."
The door closes.
Footsteps approach him from behind. His shoulders are hunched over and his breathing quickens. He just realizes he's been rocking back and forth for some time now.
"What are you crying for, Ken? Stop."
She enters the bathroom, readying herself for her part-time day job.
He doesn't listen to her as hot tears continue streaming relentlessly down his cheeks like a faucet. There is so much building inside him, squeezing his innards to the point where he wants to scream.
"You don't care about me!"
Those words escape him without warning. But they don't reach. The shower is too loud and his mother is already back in her own zone. He can't get to her; it's too late. He had his chance and he doesn't know when the next one will come.
He starts to laugh to himself and he bites into his knuckles to suppress it. His lungs hurt from how hard he's breathing and his eyes dart back and forth before landing on the pathway to his room. He begins crawling forward, his sights set on his lone sanctuary. It seems to get smaller and smaller as he suffocates daily.
Once he reaches his crumpled futon, he shuts the door and slams his head on the floor.
Can't get close. Stay away. Hungry. Alone. Doesn't care. Hates me. Hate her. Dead.
He curls his legs up to his chest into a fetal position. His face is buried against his thighs. He doesn't know what to do.
All he knows is that he envies his father. He wonders how it feels to not have to breathe anymore.
Sounds nice.
It is hard living like this, like a damned monster. A half-breed. A ghoul. He questions this every day. Why am I here? What use do I have? What's my place?
Nothing. He has no place. He's nothing but a maggot feasting on necrotizing flesh, and then eventually, he will be killed. Rightfully so, because he does not deserve to live among this world of humans. His mother remains correct, even though she had never said it out loud.
Aside from the fact that his mother keeps herself occupied with work, it is clear she intends to stay away from his side of the world. The world that she dared to have a taste of and now regrets. Naturally, he is left to fend for himself.
They say that scrounging for food as an adult is already a challenge, so for someone like him, a mere child, decent flesh is even more scarce. Those older are at the top of the food chain and anything left for him is either too little or too rotten to provide any sustenance. Every month, he tries hard to delay the process, convincing himself that he can wait another month, but every time, the hunger takes control over his body to the point where he can no longer sleep at night. Every time, he feels like he's being eaten alive. It takes everything in him not to scream out in agony, for his mother would come in and strike him if he fails.
Then again, anything else couldn't compare to what he's feeling now. He almost thinks he could be impaled by another ghoul's kagune and it still wouldn't beat the hell that was hunger.
He's sitting outside in the late afternoon, resting on the steel staircase of the apartment complex. He's had to stop several times due to how much weaker he's become after holding off for an extra week. His head spins and he tries to motivate himself to keep moving and try to find food again. It's been his third attempt and he's had no luck. His mother had been gone since early morning. As always, it's way too quiet and the parking lot is dead.
He hasn't seen his friend in two weeks. He's almost glad.
His eyelids grow heavy and he opens them slowly after some rest, catching sight of the skies and noting it would get dark soon if he didn't move faster. A soft groan escapes him and he grasps the steel bars of the staircase, clenching onto them as if willing them to give him strength. He forces himself to stand, withstanding the dizzy spell and brief, black spots taking over his sight. Once he takes a deep breathe, he goes forward.
He knows the streets like the back of his hand; he's mostly aware of which ones are safe and which ones are the secret feeding grounds for monsters like him. Plus, he can tell if there's fresh meat just by scent.
Like a wolf, he thinks in disgust.
He trudges towards the feeding grounds, occasionally surveying his surroundings to make sure he isn't being followed. Fortunately, he had been able to evade any questioning adults so far on his attempts at hunting. He's always alone these days.
He decides to focus on his hearing when he can't catch anything by scent. Staying still for a moment, he stares at the ground and waits. Currently, he stands in one of the alleyways in the busier area near his apartment.
A few minutes pass and he hears nothing. Only his stomach growling. He grasps his torso and sighs heavily. He begins to think he must travel further if he is to find anything.
That is, until he hears someone. Laughter that sounds like it's coming from a child.
"Well, well, what do we have here?"
Kaneki gasps and he turns his head upward to see a child standing on the roof of the building to his right. The sun is shining in his view and it makes it hard for him to study the person's face. He backs up quickly when he notices the child jumping down to meet him on the ground.
"I thought I smelled another ghoul around here."
Kaneki keeps his guard up and he watches the other child, a boy, brush his pants off. The other boy raises his head and he narrows his eyes at Kaneki. "Although…you smell different from other ghouls."
Kaneki looks down for a second before turning his attention to the boy, a stern expression crossing his face. The other boy puts his hands up in front of him when he takes notice of Kaneki's glare. "Dude, chill out. I'm not here to attack you or anything. You don't have to look so serious."
Kaneki stays silent and the other boy sighs. "Look, I guess I got a little excited to find another ghoul around here. Let me start over."
The other boy extends his hand. "The name's Nishiki. What's yours?"
The black-haired boy hesitates, staring at the other's hand and then meeting the other's eyes again. Nishiki laughs and retracts his hand. "Jeez, you're a tough one to crack. I mean, I bet you're snoopin' around here for some poor innocent human to attack, right?"
"No," Kaneki states right away. If there is one thing he hates the most about being a ghoul, it's murder.
Nishiki chuckles again, a smirk creeping on his lips. "Right, as if."
"You kill?" Kaneki snaps back, clenching his fist.
Nishiki scoffs and points at himself. "Does it look like I can kill someone?"
Kaneki doesn't answer and Nishiki shrugs. "I mean, I guess I could. But I suppose we're similar in that way…you know…"
Kaneki's gaze softens slightly and he watches Nishiki walking ahead of him. He opens his mouth, pausing, before saying the words on his mind. "Do you…happen to have any meat to spare?"
Nishiki looks back at him with a scowl. "You think I'm gonna share any with a stranger like you? Especially one who won't even tell me his name after I was being so polite? Sheesh."
Kaneki bites his lips and lowers his head. "S-Sorry…"
The other ghoul smiles and shakes his head. "There you go being serious again. I'm kidding. As for meat, well…"
His face turns grave and he rubs the back of his neck. "I did find someone… He's sleeping not too far from here…"
Kaneki's eyes widen. "Sleeping? But that means…"
Nishiki nods, his lips forming a thin line. "Yeah… My sister went to work for the day. If she were here, she'd do the job, but…" He exhales sharply. "And here I thought I could find someone who could kill the thing for me…"
"That thing is a person," Kaneki corrects him.
"Yeah, but not for long, am I right? Like my sister says, humans are like how cows and pigs are to them. We gotta eat to survive, right?" Nishiki states, crossing his arms.
Kaneki swallows hard, his hunger nagging at him and his thoughts. He closes his eyes and turns his head away, feeling the other side of him emerging too fast.
Just hold on a little longer…
"Please lead the way," Kaneki says quietly. He opens his eyes after calming himself from losing control.
Nishiki motions his head forward. "We better move fast before the pig wakes up."
True to his word, the boys move swiftly, dodging the strays drifting in the open and lingering near the shadows and alleyways. Thankfully, it's not too long until Nishiki slows down and motions for Kaneki to stop. Kaneki obeys and observes Nishiki crouching closer to the building on his left and peering over the corner. The half-ghoul breathes in, and this time, he is unable to control the kakugan from appearing in his left eye. The smell of the human within their reach is too much. Saliva begins to seep down his mouth and he swallows again. He can't remember the last time he ate any proper, fresh, bloody meat.
To his relief, Nishiki finds the homeless man he spotted earlier still snoozing on the filthy ground a few feet away from them. He turns around to signal his new ally to follow, only to pause in shock when he takes notice of the boy. He cannot keep his eyes off the other's exposed kakugan.
"No way…why do you only have one?" Nishiki whispers. "Unless…you're a…half-breed?"
Kaneki can barely hear what the other ghoul is saying. His mind is fuzzy, clouded with raging, loud thoughts. A weird chant repeats in his brain, the word "meat" over and over. It's haunting him and Nishiki watches as a strange grin breaks loose on the half-ghoul's face.
"Oi! Snap out of it! Hey!" Nishiki tries to get his ally's attention as he approaches him.
Kaneki shoves his fingers in his mouth, biting down and drawing blood. This causes Nishiki to take hold of the boy's shoulders and shake him violently. "Hey! Wake up! I need your help, man!"
In a second, he finally hears Nishiki and as a result, he gasps loudly. His kakugan does not disappear, but he withdraws his fingers from his mouth, leaving his lips bloody and covered in spit.
Nishiki's brows furrow in confusion. "Are you okay? You were losing it for a minute there…"
Kaneki's breathing quickens and his eyes dart back and forth before settling down. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and nods hesitantly.
"Hey, you gotta tell me your name," Nishiki demands as he takes his hands off the other's shoulders.
"It's…Kaneki," he replies, his voice raspy.
"Okay, Kaneki." Nishiki exhales and takes the half-ghoul's arm. "The guy is right behind this building. We've gotta act quick. No spacing out on me again, got it?"
The older boy doesn't wait to hear any response and pulls the younger boy forward. Together, they tiptoe their way towards the sleeping man. Kaneki's nose twitches the closer they get and Nishiki groans at the foul stench that permeates the air around them.
"Smells like this guy used the toilet a hundred times in this one corner alone. God, it stinks." Nishiki gags, turning away for a breath of fresh air but finding none.
Kaneki's heart skips a beat when he notices the man begin to stir under his dirt-covered trash bag serving as his blanket.
"Crap!" Nishiki exclaims under his breath at noticing the homeless man beginning to wake up.
The man mumbles to himself and when he turns his head, he yelps at the sight of the boys hovering over him. Both young ghouls have their kakugans activated and it gives off an iridescent red glow that immediately chills the man down to the bone with one look.
"Wha-! Wh-who are you? What do you want?" the man shouts. He immediately shuffles back, his back pressed against the stained wall behind him.
Nishiki clenches his teeth and soon, something erupts from behind him. Kaneki shivers when he sees Nishiki's immature bikaku kagune that is bright blue in color. He doesn't hesitate to aim his kagune at the man. Their victim screams out when Nishiki manages to pin the man down. He grunts with effort, struggling against the man's resistance.
"H-Hurry up Kaneki! I won't be able to hold him down too long. Finish him off!" Nishiki commands. His feet drag slightly as he continues to use all his strength to keep the man from running off.
At the realization of what he must do, Kaneki shakes his head vigorously, his heart racing at the thought of ending a life for the first time.
He should have known this day would come. There were only so many years he could live off scraps left behind by other ghouls. But the fact that those days would no longer subsist and he must truly survive as a ghoul, it frightens him to the core. He walks backward and trips, falling to his bottom as his mouth hangs open in horror.
"No, no, no, no!" Kaneki repeats desperately, his entire body trembling.
Nishiki growls in aggravation. "Kaneki! Quit acting like a baby! I know this is scary, but there's no other way. You either finish him or you die!"
"I'd rather die!" Kaneki shouts in protest. His eyes are glued to the man squirming under Nishiki's kagune hold, like a spider nearing its end.
"You know that's not true! Think about it, you're just a kid! You've got your whole life ahead of you!" Nishiki shouts. He falls to his knees in exhaustion but keeps his kagune going.
"I can't, I can't!" The half-ghoul feels hot tears beginning to flow down his cheeks and his vision blurs.
"Yes, you can! Just think! Think about that delicious flesh you're about to sink your teeth into! Think of how hungry you are, how you'd do anything to make the hunger go away!" Nishiki continues to convince him.
Hearing those words, Kaneki's breathing slows and he focuses on what he had been ignoring. The hunger. How much it hurts, how much his body yearns for the sustenance it needs.
The red veins from his single kakugan expands down his left cheek and a beastly growl erupts from his throat. Something he had never heard coming from himself before. He can hardly think straight.
Nishiki notices the man beginning to shout for help and he scrambles closer to silence him by stuffing the garbage bag into his mouth.
Something wills the half-ghoul to stand to his feet. The other side takes over without his permission and his body burns with this awakening power.
"That's it, Kaneki. You got this," Nishiki states more quietly. He can't help but watch in awe at the sudden transition the other boy is experiencing right before his eyes. It leaves him on edge and he can barely move.
The homeless man's eyes dart between Nishiki and Kaneki, staying on the latter when the boy comes closer at an unnerving pace. There are dark shadows under the half-ghoul's eyes and his kakugan widens. More drool leaks from Kaneki's mouth and his breathing turns ragged.
The man's protests are muffled and tears begin to spring from his wrinkled eyes. But these cries do not faze Kaneki this time. All the boy can think of is flesh, and he can sense the man's frantic heart, beating with fresh blood. It's the only thing on his mind.
Without warning, Kaneki pounces on the man, staring right into his bloodshot eyes. His body moves as if he had a second brain and in an instant, his small hands are wrapped around the man's neck. The man chokes, his mouth opening and gasping for air. Kaneki's grip tightens and he lets out a maniacal laugh that seems deafening to his ears. Soon, the man's skin turns purple and just as his eyes roll back, Kaneki lets all loose and his teeth find the man's cheek. The human is now choking on his own blood as it splatters all over Kaneki's face and pools in the man's mouth.
He can't see anything. Everything's red and he is overwhelmed by what he is tasting. His fingers are digging into something and his teeth continues sinking into something else. It's soft. It's overwhelmingly hot like a fever. It's drowning him.
Sweet! Juicy! It tastes so good, so good! I want more! More!
…
MONSTER.
You deserve loneliness.
He snaps. Suddenly, he's choking. He's gasping for air.
Now he sees. Now he feels. Now he thinks.
A dead man right under him. His face is unrecognizable.
Blood everywhere. The air is thick with blood. It's all over. It's on him.
He stares down at his hands. He doesn't recognize them either.
Human. He's dead. It's because of him. Because of him.
The mangled face of his victim stays imprinted on his muddled brain, if there is any sense left in his head.
What comes next seems to shake his surroundings. A splitting scream.
There's no other victim. It's him.
He hasn't seen his friend in two weeks. It frustrates him.
Over these weeks, he and his father had been busy settling in and preparing themselves for their new lives in Tokyo. School is coming around the corner, but all he can think about now is his friend. Now that he has space to breathe, he wants to find him.
As a way for him to get around, his father had given him what he wanted since he first got here - a bike. The day before, his father had taught him how to ride and today, he spent most of the morning and early afternoon hours practicing as much as he could. Luckily, he had always been a fast learner, so biking came as second nature quite easily.
Having focused on his new skill, he almost loses track of time. The day hours are fading, but his father has not returned from work yet. He pauses his bike, his right foot plants on the ground, and his hands stay gripped on the handles. He knows his father won't be returning until late at night, and as far as he can recall, he hadn't been told not to go wandering off without his permission. In other words, he is free to roam.
A small smile appears on his lips when he thinks about where he wants to go, and with that thought, he quickly leans his bike against the staircase of his apartment before racing up. Inside his small home, he searches for a pen and paper, scribbling down a note for his father and plastering it on the fridge. He looks back one more time at his empty abode before he charges out the door and takes two steps at a time down the staircase to his bike. Without another second to lose, he speeds off down the road.
Exploring has always been his strong point, so he has no problems with winging his way towards his destination. He still has the memories of the buildings he saw leading to Kaneki's place in his head. He pedals down the quiet streets, few people walking back and forth. Sunset warns him of the time but he concentrates on where he's going, knowing he isn't too far from his friend. A few turns and mistakes here and there, he finally arrives at where he remembers Kaneki's figure watching him go in his father's car. The biggest smile he had seen on his friend's face won't leave his mind after his words of reading with him, and he wants to keep that expression staying longer if he could.
Once he parks his bike in the nearest rack, he takes a deep breath before entering the main lobby of the apartment. It is peaceful and clean in the lobby and his eyes survey the area until they spot the landlord at the front desk. He readies himself on what he will say as he strides towards the older woman.
He is shorter than the desk and his hand reaches the call bell. Once the ringing breaks the silence, the woman jolts in surprise and she fixes her glasses as she looks down at the blond child beaming up at her.
"Hello, may I know if Mrs. Kaneki is home right now?" he asks politely, his toothy smile in full view.
She blinks a few times and furrows her brows in thought. "Hmm, I will have to check. Please allow me to make a call."
He nods and waits as the landlord turns away from him towards the phone. "And may I know your name, child?" she asks, looking over her shoulder at the boy.
"My name is Hide. Tell her I'm her son's friend please," he replies. He scratches his cheek, hoping one of them is home.
The woman nods and proceeds with her call. Hide places his hands behind his back, shuffling his feet back and forth as he waits. A few moments later, he notices the woman shaking her head and she spins around in her chair to face him.
"I am sorry. It would appear no one is picking up. You will have to come back another time," she announces.
Hide frowns slightly. "Oh…well. May I know what floor the Kaneki family lives on?"
She hums to herself in thought. "You're a friend of theirs, you say?"
He nods earnestly. She taps her pen to her lips for a moment. "Well…I don't usually do this, but I guess I can make an exception. You seem like a good kid. But I don't want you disturbing anyone else, got it? There are cameras so if you try anything funny, security will catch it."
Hide grins. "I won't, I promise. I just want to see my friend. That's all."
She sighs. "Yeah, okay, hang on a minute."
The landlord scribbles down Kaneki's apartment number on a small note and then hands it to him. "Don't be lollygagging out there, okay kid? You can look, but after that, head home. It's getting late."
"Yes, ma'am, thank you so much!" He bows to her and scrambles out the front door.
Once he steps outside, he looks at the note and makes his way up to Kaneki's apartment. He is fast to reach the second floor and finally finds Kaneki's apartment closest to the staircase. He tries to listen for any sign of life in the place as he presses his ear against the door. He notices the windows have the blinds shut and when he rings the doorbell, no one answers.
It is true that no one is home.
"I hope he's okay…"
Hide clenches his fist, his brows furrowing in worry. He glances up at the door one last time before he reluctantly makes his way back down the stairs. He walks slowly to the bike rack, thinking hard about what he should do next. He doesn't want to return home yet.
Once he mounts his bike, his hands grip tightly on the handles and he doesn't look back as he rides off. He keeps going straight, his eyes perusing the streets and dark corners carefully. He doesn't care that the sun is nearly gone.
"…it's dangerous out here at night, especially if you're alone."
Kaneki's voice echoes in his head but he ignores those words. He has a bad feeling and it crawls in his stomach. For some reason, goosebumps attack his skin as he bikes further down the road and into the side of town he's never seen before. He has second thoughts, debating whether he is being paranoid and thinking that perhaps his friend is with his mother somewhere. Yet his gut tells him otherwise and leaves him chilled. Something doesn't feel right to him at all.
His friend didn't lie. As the late afternoon turns to early evening, an ominous aura sets in and fear overtakes his senses. It's not enough to take him off his path, however.
Half of an hour passes and his legs begin to fatigue. He stops to rest and gets off his ride. He resorts to walking with his bike, keeping a close eye on his surroundings. The sounds of commute and people grow more distant and once more, he thinks about turning back. He sighs deeply, wishing that he could get some hint as to where his friend is. It's useless, he thinks. He hardly knows this area and it's foolish to look any further.
He'll be fine. He can take care of himself. He's not weak. That's what he told me.
He looks down at his scuffed-up sneakers and exhales sharply. He hates to do this. He turns his bike around and gets on the seat again.
But it seems his thoughts are answered when he hears something. No one else could hear it but him as he was the only person still outside.
A scream, and it sounds like it came from a child. A boy.
"Kaneki…?" he breathes. Without thinking of the consequences, he maneuvers his bike in the direction he heard it and stomps on his pedals. His feet move rapidly as he leans forward to try and increase his speed.
The scream fades and turns into sobs that he could barely hear at first, but as he finds himself approaching a run-down building, he could make out the voices.
Those sobs sound desperate, pained, and horrified. Right away, his heart beats loud and his palms begin to sweat. He quietly leans his bike against the cracked wall on his left and he crouches down. The stench of blood is strong in the air and he stops. His pulse pounds in his ears and he tries to calm himself. He knows he's getting himself into danger and any other kid would have hightailed out of there. He is stubborn.
His fingers find the cold wall of the building, and with a dry gulp, he peers around the corner. His breathing stops all together when his eyes land on the scene not too far ahead.
He can't believe it. He found his friend.
Kaneki is there. Kneeling above another human, but he is completely drenched in blood. He can feel himself trembling as he only sees Kaneki's back facing him. His friend's shoulders are shaking and his head is bowed so low, it looks like he is decapitated. Hide scans the other side to see another boy, who has some strange appendage sticking out from his rear. It shimmers blue and looks like a tentacle or tail. Hide tries hard not to scream in shock as he bites into his knuckles.
"You made me do this. You made me do this!" He hears Kaneki mumble and then shout.
"We gotta eat, Kaneki. What else were we supposed to do?" the other boy retorts. Hide watches in awe and horror as the tentacle retracts back inside the boy's body like it had never appeared in the first place.
Kaneki continues to sob uncontrollably, his breathing erratic and his black hair sticking all over the place as his bloody fingers rake through them.
"You can get off him now. He's dead, like…really dead…wow. You may have gone overboard, actually…" the other boy comments, whistling at the damage.
Hide watches Kaneki's head snap up and turn to the other boy. "You want food, right? Is that what you want?"
"Yeah, I do, actually. I'm starving! So, get off the corpse and share, why don't ya!" The boy snaps back.
Kaneki growls and his hands reach for the dead man's arms. Hide's eyes widen when he sees Kaneki rip off both the man's upper extremities like it is mere paper. "Here! Take it! Take everything! Just take it already!" Kaneki yells, violently throwing the limbs at the other boy.
The other boy catches the limbs, shooting a glare at the half-ghoul. "Calm down already. It's over now. Next time, I'll kill the guy for you, how's that?"
Kaneki lets out another helpless cry and smacks himself over and over. "No more, no more, no more!"
"Stop crying! You're gonna get the damn cops on us!" the other boy hisses.
Hide can't take it anymore. He steps away from the shadows.
Right away, the other boy catches sight of Hide and he takes a battle stance. "Crap, now you've done it. Get outta here or you'll regret it!"
Hide ignores the other child. His eyes stay on his friend, who is rocking back and forth in a ball and has his head buried between his knees.
The other boy watches in confusion as Hide stops right beside Kaneki. The half-ghoul is too deep in his morbid state to notice him just yet.
"Kaneki, it's okay…"
He notices his friend's body stiffen immediately once his voice breaks the tension. He braces himself as his friend slowly raises his head.
A warm smile sets on his face. He stares back at those eyes. His round grey eyes, only one of them is black and red, with red veins stretching down his cheek. His smile doesn't fade.
He's happy to see his friend.
When he thought things couldn't get worse, he swears he hears Hide's voice. There he is, his friend is right next to him. The one person that he cannot see anymore. He has grown to accept that fact. Yet he is here.
What confuses him more is how gentle he sounds and that kind smile on his face. His heart doesn't let up on its marathon and when his eyes connect with Hide's, he doesn't know what to think.
He knows he's a mess, and yet his friend doesn't seem disgusted and makes no move to go away. Instead, he comes closer and even kneels to meet him face to face.
"Are you hurt, Kaneki? I was so worried about you. I wanted to see you," Hide tells him quietly, his hand resting on his left shoulder.
Kaneki's eyes widen and he realizes Hide must have seen what went on. His friend is looking right at his eyes and knows of his kakugan. His friend knows everything now.
His eyes blur so much, he can't see Hide's smile anymore. He chokes on his tears and sobs hard. His body shakes uncontrollably and he slams his hands over his face.
"No, Hide, go away! I'm a monster! Just go away!" he cries, trying to move away from him.
Hide hushes him. "It's okay, Kaneki. I'm not scared. I want to help you. You're my friend and it makes me sad to see you cry."
Listening to those words, Kaneki can't stop his crying and his breathing stutters. Blood, tears, and saliva mix and he feels filthy and gross and undeserving of anyone's sympathy. He wants to be left alone. He wants to disappear.
"You know him?" He hears Nishiki state softly at Hide.
"Yeah, he's my dear friend. Who are you?" Hide asks. His hand strokes Kaneki's back and brings him closer. Kaneki feels his head collide against Hide's chest and his sobs begin to slow slightly.
"You're a human, aren't you? Do you realize what you're getting yourself into?" Nishiki questions. Kaneki imagines the other ghoul is in shock of Hide's indifference, just as much as he is.
"Well, yeah…so?" Hide responds like it is no big deal.
"I don't understand. Do you know what we are?"
"No…but does it matter? He's my friend and I care about him."
Nishiki takes a step back, shaking his head. "Are you insane? We're ghouls and we eat humans like you. Your friend is only half-ghoul, but it doesn't make him any different. In fact, he could be stronger, I don't know. He'll kill you eventually, or he might even kill you now."
Hide doesn't answer this time. Instead, he turns back to Kaneki and pulls him close, embracing him with his chin resting on his head.
"If he won't kill you, then…" Nishiki's kakugan returns and he readies himself. "I'll do it."
Kaneki's eyes snap open and he immediately breaks out of Hide's arms. He places himself in front of Hide and his glare pierces through Nishiki's. "Get out of here," he says, his voice stern and resolute.
Nishiki scoffs. "Are you serious? Kaneki, you can't honestly think you can be friends with food? That's just crazy! You're gonna get yourself killed too when he turns you in!"
Kaneki shakes his head and doesn't budge from his spot in front of Hide. "He's not food. He's my friend."
Nishiki's jaw drops for a moment. "You're gonna die."
Like Hide, Kaneki doesn't respond, only maintains his firm eye contact with the other ghoul.
"He has to die. He's seen too much. I can't risk that." Nishiki begins to charge towards Hide but Kaneki pushes him back with a force he didn't know he is capable of. Nishiki grunts and skids backwards, maintaining his balance.
"We're just kids. Do you think an adult would believe what children have to say?" Kaneki responds calmly.
"It doesn't matter. Any mention of the word "ghoul" and people go berserk, did you know? Don't be naïve, Kaneki!" Nishiki spits back.
"I don't want to fight with you, Nishiki. Just go. If anything, I'll take the blame for all of this if anything spreads," Kaneki tries to convince him.
"I didn't even know there was such a ruckus about ghouls…" Hide says quietly behind Kaneki.
Nishiki hesitates, contemplating Kaneki's words and sending menacing glares Hide's way. The human seems completely nonchalant and it annoys him to no end. But he finds his energy is dwindling and he is still starving. His sister would be looking for him soon if he doesn't return to his stupid hut.
He relaxes his stance and his kakugan disappears. Kaneki keeps on guard but Nishiki makes no other move to attack. He looks down for a moment before he clenches his fist and points a finger at Kaneki. "Look, I'll let him go this time. But if I see him going off and you're not around, he's gonna be dinner."
Kaneki stays silent and Nishiki walks over to the limbs the half-ghoul had ripped away. "See you around, half-breed," he states. He glances at Hide one last time before he quickly scurries off. All that's left is a bloody mess, a mangled corpse, and two young boys.
Kaneki lets out a breath and he lowers his head. He still doesn't want to face Hide.
"Hey, did you have enough to eat?"
Hide's hand rests on his back, reminding him that he is still there beside him.
Kaneki can only nod, not wanting to think about what he just did. What he had to do.
Hide looks over at the body and notices the man's face is mauled, and knowing that the other ghoul took the arms, he could guess what his friend had done.
"Well, come with me then. I'll help you get cleaned up and everything," Hide suggested, rubbing his friend's back.
Kaneki turns around and hesitates before looking up at Hide's brown eyes, which still don't show a hint of negative emotions. His kakugan is still active and yet his friend isn't scared.
"Why…?"
Hide smiles. "Didn't you hear what I told him earlier?"
Kaneki looks down, trying to hold back the ache in his throat. Now that Nishiki's gone, the emotions are quickly flooding back and shaking him again.
"Good news, Kaneki. I got a bike! Ding, ding, ding!" Hide tries to break the ice as he stands up. He hurries over to his bike and brings it over to show his friend.
Kaneki still does not look up, finding his bloody hands more interesting.
Hide exhales softly and walks over to his friend. "Let's go Kaneki. I'll take you somewhere safe."
Kaneki does not protest as Hide guides him back on his feet and towards his bike. Once the both of them are seated, Hide looks back to check on his friend, who immediately lays his head on his back and grasps onto his shirt. With a small smile, Hide takes off without another word.
All is numb to Kaneki throughout the bike ride. The only thing that can reach him is the warmth that radiates from Hide's back as he leans against him. He is seated on the space behind his friend, who remains quiet throughout the journey. Night is in full swing and the moon above them is full and bright. He can still taste stale blood in his mouth. His hands and clothes still hold evidence.
He's a murderer.
His body moves automatically, following Hide's direction and soon enough, he finds himself seated on a closed toilet in a stall of a familiar restroom. The one near the playground where he first met Hide.
Like a real mother would, Hide sets to work on cleaning the blood off Kaneki's face and limbs. He's intent on wiping away all traces of the red liquid from his friend, knowing that he is already traumatized. Kaneki stays silent and still, his mind and eyes blank as Hide uses damp paper towels on his skin.
Hide backs up when he finally gets all the blood off Kaneki, minus the red staining his clothes. He had even managed to clean his friend's hair, leaving it damp and no longer sticky with bodily fluids. He beams at his handy work and places his hands on his hips in accomplishment.
"There we go! You're as good as new, well almost," Hide says and laughs lightly.
Kaneki doesn't look up and Hide doesn't mind. He turns around to throw the soggy towels away and that's when he finally hears his friend's voice again.
"Nishiki is right. You shouldn't be friends with me."
Hide faces Kaneki, who is staring back at him. Hide notices Kaneki's eyes are normal, but there are dark shadows still present under them. A thought runs through his head, and he smiles.
Maybe I am insane, Hide thinks to himself.
Kaneki is confused by the expression on Hide's face. "It's not funny, Hide. You need to stay away from me. We can't be friends."
The half-ghoul senses his breathing getting shaky again and he hates himself more. Always weak, that's what he is. His eyes sting and heat rises to his cheeks.
"Even my mom, she told me to stay away from you. She told me I can't get close…and…" His hands clench his knees and the tears land on them. "…It's best if you just forget me…"
Hide lets out a tired sigh and Kaneki slowly looks up to see Hide shaking his head, his gaze set on the ceiling.
"You know what I hate? I really hate people telling me what I can or can't do. Like, I literally don't care," Hide declares, shrugging his shoulders.
Kaneki glares at him. "Hide, this is serious. You can't-"
Hide laughs and points at him. "See, there you go again. It's you, it's my dad, it's that rude guy called Nishiki or whatever. Everyone keeps telling me what to do! I just don't care!"
Hide smiles and he comes closer, taking Kaneki's hands in his. "I mean, I care about what you say Kaneki. But what you're telling me now, I know you don't mean it. You wanna stay friends with me, right?"
Kaneki sniffs and he feels his cheeks getting wet. "I…I don't know… Hide…I just killed someone for the first time. I had to do it b-because…" His voice turns muffled due to his sobs. "I'm a monster."
Hide's thumbs rub over Kaneki's hands and he gets on his knees to look up at him. "Well, okay, you're a ghoul. A half one, like the guy said?"
Kaneki nods slowly and Hide returns the gesture in understanding. "You know I meant what I said to that guy. I didn't care then, and I still don't care now. You're still my friend no matter what. I like you, Kaneki."
Kaneki feels his heart beat louder at those words and his body feels hot. He can tell his cheeks are turning red and he hopes Hide mistakes it as a reaction to his distress.
"My mom…she married a ghoul, my dad. They had me, and for a while, we were happy. But it was only for a short while, because my father ended up getting killed." Kaneki sniffs again and he turns to wipe his cheek on his arm.
"My mom hates me, but she did everything she could to keep my identity a secret from those people who took my dad away. And she told me if I get close to you, I would regret it. I tried to forget what she said, but now that I think about it, she's right," Kaneki looks Hide in the eyes. "What if something happens and you end up dying because of me? What if I lose control and kill you, like Nishiki says?"
Hide stares down at their intertwined hands before meeting his friend's worried gaze. "Well, what do you want, Kaneki?"
"I want you to stay safe, and for that to happen, we can't be friends," he replies in a shaky tone.
"You don't want to be my friend? You don't like me?" Hide questions, tilting his head to the side.
Kaneki opens his mouth, nothing coming out at first. "N-No, th-that's not it-"
Hide laughs. "I'm just kidding, Kaneki. You don't have to force yourself. If you really don't want to be my friend anymore, just look me in the eye and tell me again. And this time, it must come from you. Not what your mom tells you. Not what that Nishiki dude says. It's from you."
Kaneki stares at his friend, sinking in what he just said. Hide simply stays smiling and he lets go of his hands. Hide's brown eyes remain gentle and they wait for what Kaneki's eyes say.
Listening to Hide, he pushes aside his frazzled thoughts and searches his mind, his heart. He knows what he wants. It comes too easily and the answer scares him. But he thinks again and knows that if he lies, the pain would be unbearable. The pain of losing someone that makes him want to keep going. Keep surviving.
"I…" A fresh set of tears breaks through and he blinks to let them go.
"I want to be with you."
Hide's smile widens and Kaneki looks in awe when he sees his friend's cheeks bloom pink at his response. Hide can't stop beaming and he scratches his face. "See? Was that so hard to figure out?"
Kaneki suddenly feels embarrassed and he looks down at his knees. "N-No…"
"Well then, that's settled. We're staying friends!" Hide states happily.
The half-ghoul lifts his head up, his heart pushing him further. "And…you're not forcing me, Hide. I never felt that way around you…" Kaneki admits. A surge of confidence overcomes him in the next second.
Hide nods his head. "I'm glad to hear it."
"I mean, I…like you too, Hide. It hurts…thinking about not being your friend anymore…" Kaneki states quietly, almost like a whisper.
I really do. I really like you.
Hide's brown eyes become more vibrant at those words and he pulls on Kaneki's arms, coaxing him to stand. Kaneki gasps at the sudden action and follows through. "Gosh, come here you. You're such a dope," Hide says and grabs Kaneki into a tight hug.
He feels all the stress and tension leave his body when his friend continues holding him, strong and safe in his arms. Kaneki raises his own arms and returns the embrace, grasping onto the cloth on his back. His cheek rests against the other boy's chest and he feels Hide's breath brush through his hair. Every ounce of the iciness that resided within him melts away. The wounds his mother left on him seem to dissipate. His hands that bore blood turn back to ones that belong to an innocent child.
He feels whole.
Wordlessly, the two pull apart, and instead, Hide takes Kaneki's hand and leads him out of the restroom. Back in the open, the night air hits their skin, but neither of them shiver. They're both warm.
Hide looks off into the distance and turns back to his friend. "You want to go home?"
Kaneki returns his gaze and shakes his head. "No…"
Hide smiles and guides him to the sandbox. Their makeshift trench is no more, but it still proves to be their sanctuary. Once they sit in the sand, Kaneki doesn't stop himself as his head gravitates towards Hide's shoulder. In response, Hide squeezes his friend's hand in his grasp.
Kaneki closes his eyes, wishing he didn't have to go back to his mother. For he knows where his true home is. It's not with her.
He doesn't know what will happen, and he's scared of what lies ahead. But for now, he knows what he wants.
"Man, I am so not ready for school…" Hide mumbles.
Kaneki finally smiles. His heart settles down to a pulse that matches the boy next to him.