High school – some may say this is one of the worst, if not the worst, key points of a person's lifetime. The boys enter their first year of high school at fifteen and, already, Kaneki can understand the reason why people say so.
More friendships fall. Love is weak, not real. Relationships are hardly ever taken seriously. Some classmates change. They become someone completely different from who they were in middle school. Some are meaner than ever. Some reveal sides of themselves no one knew until now.
At these revelations, Kaneki feels even more blessed that he found someone long ago who still stays by his side through it all. He has someone that he loves with his entire being, and he knows it's real. With each year that passes, his feelings only grow stronger. It makes it harder for him to hide. It scares him.
Many times, he's wanted to explode because of how hard he has fallen. He's come so close to telling him, but every time, his throat catches and he ends up choking. He can't do it. He just can't.
Usually, it makes him feel so good and tingly inside. He loves loving him. It makes him happy.
But recently, his feelings are starting to get back at him. His urges to confess shrink further away within the darkness of his mind.
Hide keeps mentioning girls. Talking to them so freely, flirting. He smiles so brightly as they laugh.
He gets so mad inside when he sees this. This is what his feelings do to him, controlling him and turning him into such a possessive monster. He hates himself.
Then sadness sinks him down.
Love is a double-edged sword.
He knows it more and more as his friend gives his attention to others.
His feelings cut deep wounds, but they don't fade. Only growing and killing him when he knows he can't control how his friend feels. Of course, he can't.
He's stuck with a constant tugging in his chest, daydreaming to the point where he could lose himself from reality forever. Yet it ends too fast.
He sighs deeply, fingers absently running down the open book on his desk.
This is the first time he and Hide are in different homerooms since elementary school, making it so that he can hardly see his friend until the day is over or during some breaks in which Hide would sneak out of his classroom.
Pathetic, he thinks to himself. He feels like a weakling because being away from his friend every school day leaves him lonely, even when he knows he'll see him soon enough anyway. He ends up burying himself more and more into his books.
Though sometimes, there is one person who greets him. The first girl who had ever complimented his reading.
He looks up from his book when he hears footsteps stomping into the room. He's usually one of the first few people to arrive in the classroom so he can't help but observe his classmates' arrival times to lecture. He notices the girl comes in later than normal. Her face has a deep frown, like she is annoyed. Kaneki narrows his eyes at seeing her unusual expression, as she is mostly cheerful. He doesn't have to wait long for an answer when he notices those boys following from behind her.
"Go away. How many times do I have to tell you?" she snaps. She twirls to face the main boy of the gang after slamming her books down on her desk.
The boy begins to say things that don't matter to Kaneki, but as he continues, the girl becomes increasingly frustrated. He can see tears forming in her eyes.
"Stop, just stop!" she repeats. The boy is persistent, and he grabs both of her arms to keep her from moving away.
Kaneki looks around and notices the other classmates shrinking away from the escalating display. He has the instinct to continue ignoring as well, but something inside him urges him to act otherwise. His eyes read the same line over and over in his novel. His hand grips into a fist.
"Why you gotta be so dramatic? Come on…"
"I said, no."
The boy suddenly shoves her, causing her to fall to the ground and a round of gasps to erupt in the room. Her body trembles and when she lifts her head up, Kaneki can see the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Tch, you're such a crybaby. Stand up," the boy barks at her.
When the girl refuses to do as he says, he begins to reach for her. Just as his arm goes to take hold of her, Kaneki slaps his hand away, taking him and his friends by surprise.
Kaneki can't believe what he's doing. Something inside him snapped. He was just at his desk and next thing he knew, the adrenaline collected through his veins and here he is, standing in front of the bully that's tormented many of the students in school, including him.
His eyes pierce through the boy.
"Leave her alone," he says. He is shocked to find his voice sounds strong.
"Excuse me?" the boy demands and immediately shoves Kaneki back as well.
Kaneki doesn't fall, though he bumps into the desk behind him. His eyes blink fast at the contact, but his glare doesn't go away.
"Mind your own fucking business," the boy spits. He jabs his fingers into Kaneki's chest. "Get out of my way," he commands.
Kaneki blocks his words out and begins to turn around to face the girl, but the mere action does not sit well with the boy. He takes hold of the front of Kaneki's uniform and yanks him close so that the boy's face is mere inches from his.
"Are you deaf, Kaneki?" he says his name with complete disgust. He shakes Kaneki to get a reaction out of him.
Kaneki remains silent and averts his gaze away from the bully. The boy clicks his tongue and shoves Kaneki back again. The boy takes a step forward, ready to do some more damage when the homeroom teacher enters the classroom, much to the relief of the other students watching the drama.
"What's going on here? Get back to your homeroom or you'll be late!" the teacher scolds the bully instantly.
The bully swears under his breath and he bumps his shoulder hard against Kaneki as he walks past him towards the exit, his crew of boys following close behind him. The teacher then gives further instructions to get the class started. Kaneki exhales, fixing his collar and flattening the creases from his shirt. He turns to the girl, who is already getting back on her feet.
He clears his throat. "Um…a-are you okay?" he asks softly.
She wipes her eyes and breathes in before smiling at him. "I'm fine. Thank you, Kaneki. You didn't have to do that."
He shrugs, scratching his cheek. "Well…I couldn't just keep watching."
Her smile widens, and she places a hand on his shoulder. "You're so sweet. I'm sorry that they got rough with you too."
"I'm…used to it…" Kaneki says. His gaze turns solemn, directed towards the floor.
"Kaneki! Yuko! Please be seated, class is starting!" the teacher commands.
Yuko whispers her gratitude once again before retreating to her spot. Kaneki slowly returns to his desk and he rubs his chin in thought.
…
Kaneki is at peace when he's watching him. In the school gymnasium, Hide decides to try out for the basketball team as his first after-school activity in high school. Kaneki presses his fingers against his lips, gnawing at them while he stares at Hide's every move. Witnessing Hide's energy and his bright smile, he feels the rush of euphoria overwhelming him again and he smiles. His heart skips a beat when Hide looks right at him. As their eyes lock, Hide grins and waves at him like a hyperactive child. Kaneki chuckles lightly and he waves back. Hide's grin turns to a smirk as he winks at Kaneki and then he gets back into formation with his team.
Kaneki looks down at his sketchbook in his lap and flips through the pages that holds drawings since his middle school days. He almost needs a new one as he had been practicing all those years. Aside from reading, it proves cathartic for him to capture his feelings down on paper. He stops near the end of the sketchbook, on a particular drawing that he had finished just the night before. It is one he is most proud of, the fondest of.
Anyone looking at this portrait may understand the care and dedication put into each stroke. Kaneki's eyes study the portrait of his best friend, one he had been working on for who knows how long. He had not been satisfied with his earlier drafts and often hesitated to finish from time to time. But he knows his feelings won't let him give up. The finished product shows his friend gazing out to the distance with his trademark, brilliant beam on his face. Kaneki feels his cheeks warm up and he hides his smile behind his hand clasped over his mouth.
I want to show him…
He wonders about Hide's reaction and embarrassment floods him.
He'll think I'm such a creep…
He looks up at his best friend scrambling across the gym. The sounds of sneakers squeaking against the shiny floor and exuberant cheers echo throughout. He notices girls on the other set of bleachers opposite from his side, seeing Mei is there and cheering Hide on.
His mind darkens, and his eyes change to match. The grey of his irises loses its glow.
Who am I kidding.
Kaneki drowns in his morbid thoughts. He barely registers the motion when his open sketchbook is suddenly snatched from him. He looks down in shock and then turns around to see him. The boy from earlier.
"What the hell? Holy shit…" the boy says. He examines the portrait of his best friend and when the boy realizes who it resembles, his jaw drops, and his eyes already show nothing but mockery towards Kaneki.
Kaneki acts immediately, standing to his feet and his arms stretch out to take the notebook back. The boy dangles it out of his reach. He pushes Kaneki and the half-ghoul stumbles over the bleachers, falling harshly on his bottom.
The noise from the game and the cheering cancels out the commotion happening between him and the boy.
The boy smirks and he steps away from Kaneki, making his way down the bleachers. He continues swaying the sketchbook between his fingers, taunting him to follow. Before he knows it, the boy jets out of the gym, escaping in a blink of an eye.
Kaneki's heart races in panic and he pushes past people as he climbs down the bleachers and towards where the boy ran to. The other side of him takes over, his left eye flashing red for a split second. His blood boils and he growls in frustration. The scent of the boy reaches his nose and he follows it like a wolf. His fingers ache and he has the violent urge to unleash his power.
His senses lead him to the rooftop of the school building. Right away, he hears that boy and his crew laughing and jeering like hooligans. His hands clench at his sides and he strides towards them with no fault in his step.
"Well, well, if it ain't our favorite home boy," the bully announces. He snickers and points a finger at Kaneki's face. "Or should I really call you a man?"
His friends howl at that comment, some of them doubling over from how hard they laugh. Kaneki can feel himself getting hotter, but he doesn't cower.
"Give. It. Back," Kaneki says sternly. His gaze is cold and sharp towards the boy in front of him.
"I just wanted a look. Come on, Kaneki, you're damn talented. I mean check out these sweet drawings. We got an artist in the house, everyone!"
He pulls the sketchbook out from under his arm, waving it for his boys to see.
The boy turns back and gives a sarcastic grin. "But I gotta say, this one…aw man…"
Kaneki's eyes widen when he sees that the boy had ripped out the portrait of his friend from the book. The other boys jeer, louder than before.
"This one has gotta be my favorite. Ain't Nagachika so handsome on paper, y'all?" the boy turns to his friends again.
The other boys wolf-whistle in response.
"He sure is!"
"Didn't realize what a hottie he is!"
The main guy laughs. "I mean, don't you just want to swoon? That is, of course..."
His voice turns serious, menacing. "If you're a fucking faggot."
The other boys cackle so loud, it deafens him. Kaneki feels his throat go dry. He swallows and hates that he senses a lump forming from his growing emotions. His eyes begin to water, causing his vision to blur.
Kaneki steps forward and reaches for the drawing. "Give it back now!"
"No way!" The boy punches Kaneki in the stomach, causing him to double over and fall to his knees from the impact.
Kaneki clenches his teeth and he watches as the boy steps backwards. The boy reaches in his back pocket and to his horror, the boy pulls out a lighter.
"This is what happens when you get in my way, Kaneki. You should have just minded your own business. I mean, what do you care about defending a hot chick? You're hard for boys only, right?" the boy continues to taunt him.
"Please…don't…" Kaneki's voice gives out on him, turning to a helpless whisper.
"Watch. All your feelings for Nagachika, burning right here," the boy says.
With that, the boy ignites the lighter and holds the small flame to the portrait of his friend.
Kaneki's eyes widen further, his mouth unable to form any words. He is blind to all but the fire that appears like a demon in his view. The edges of black eat away at the paper too fast. The drawing he worked so hard on disappears inch by inch. Hide's smile crumbles, leaving his soul crushed along with it.
Everything moves in slow motion to him. The boys' voices garble in his mind. They sound like the voices of his nightmares. The ones that bug him like maggots on rotten meat. The ones that tell him he's worthless, reminding him that neither of his parents ever loved him. They abandoned him.
What did I tell you? He hears his mother's voice tormenting him again. Nothing good ever comes from loving a human. Even less so when you love him. Why did you turn out this way, boy? Why are you such a fuck up?
His chest tightens, constricting him, choking him. It hurts. It hurts so bad.
How can it be wrong, mom? Why is it so wrong?
"Oh, look, our little boy is crying!" the guy hollers.
There he goes again. Kaneki couldn't stop his emotions from taking over as the last bit of the drawing vanishes into nothing but black, burnt specks. It scatters to the ground in front of him like snow. Snow that cuts through him without mercy.
Mindlessly, Kaneki lunges forward and he bites into the boy's arm, his teeth digging in through the cloth of his sleeve as tears continue staining his cheeks.
"Ow, shit! Get off me!" the boy shouts. He punches Kaneki's face multiple times to try and shake him off. Kaneki takes the blows and his teeth don't let him go. He can taste the boy's blood entering his mouth and he chews harder.
Out of nowhere, one of the other boys kicks him hard in his lower back. Kaneki winces, giving the boy the opportunity to strike him in the chest. Kaneki is forced to let go when the other boys rip him off the main. The back of his head slams against the concrete as the boys pin him to the ground. Kaneki struggles against their advances but with all of them ganging up on him and his emotions getting the best of his mind, he feels his burst of energy slipping away.
Kaneki's lips are tainted with the boy's blood. The boy hisses in pain and he pulls his sleeve up to reveal the nasty bite wound.
"You little shit. You asked for it!"
The boy stalks over to Kaneki's form lying on the ground. Two boys restrain his arms and Kaneki begins to sit up despite their grip. The main boy grabs below Kaneki's jaw and shoves him back down. His knees press on Kaneki's thighs, keeping him further immobile.
Kaneki's breathing picks up speed as he starts to realize what's going to happen. His eyes dart all over, trying to figure a way out of this.
He desperately wants to use his power.
"No…no…" he whispers.
The boy grins at him. It burns in Kaneki's frazzled mind.
"Let me show you. Let me show you what a real man looks like."
Kaneki hears the boy unzipping his pants and his eyes avoid the boy at all costs. The hand gripping his neck tightens and Kaneki can barely breathe.
ohgodohgodohgodpleaseNONONONONO
"Are you gonna scream for him? Well, too bad. He doesn't give a shit about you."
He feels fingers crawling under the hem of his shirt. He wants to vomit. His eyes sting and he can't see anything. He hates that all that makes sense to him now are the boy's touches.
He shuts his eyes and tries as hard as possible to think of anything else.
As he begins to withdraw from the world, something happens.
His eyes snap back open when he feels no more weight on his legs. The boy cries out and Kaneki spots someone aggressively yanking the boy off him and throwing him aside like a piece of trash. Kaneki's eyes widen when he sees the one who did it.
"Holy shit, it's Nagachika…" one of the boys restraining him states in disbelief.
Hide's back faces Kaneki for a moment, the blond's bare arms flexed in hard tension, his fists balling to the point where his knuckles are white. Hide then whips around and Kaneki shivers at the enraged expression on his friend's face. He has never seen Hide look so furious.
"Get the fuck off him!" Hide shouts at the remaining followers holding Kaneki down. The boys jolt and release Kaneki out of shock, backing away from the two. They scurry back towards their leader's side.
The leader cackles at Hide as the blond walks towards him. "Oh boy, this is good. I didn't expect you to come to the damsel's rescue," the boy says, zipping his pants back up in a prideful manner that infuriates Hide further.
"You fucking asshole."
Kaneki pulls himself up, his eyes staying on Hide. His friend's voice has no hint of the warmth he is used to. He almost sounds like a different person.
"Damn, Nagachika, you have no clue, do you?" the boy says mockingly.
Hide says nothing, his brown eyes void of any apparent emotion. His jaw clenches as the boy nears his face.
"I gotta know man, are you the same?" the boy asks. He turns to the other boys. "What do you guys think?"
They shout nonsensical words, some of them making suggestive motions.
"And another thing…" The boy throws a hard jab at Hide's face straight on, causing the blond to turn to the side. Drops of blood splatter on the ground as Hide's nose suffers, gushing red in an instant.
"Hide!" Kaneki shouts in alarm.
The boys laugh, mimicking the way Kaneki calls for him.
Hide pulls himself straight and then in the next second, his right fist smashes into the boy's face, causing him to stumble several feet back.
Hide takes steps closer as the other boys help their leader steady himself. Hide stares the boy down like he's a wriggling worm, his nose still bleeding down his chin.
The boy shoves his friends away and staggers towards Hide until he's only a foot away. The boy spits out blood, saliva dripping down his lip. The two stare each other down for a few moments until the boy lets out a low chuckle.
"You know…I didn't really think this through. To have you coming here and now that I screwed with your face…" The boy shakes his head. "Mei's never gonna speak to me. But like I'll let that shit happen."
The boy's eyes stray to Kaneki, who stares at Hide like he's the only one there. He narrows his eyes and then his hand reaches out, grabbing hold of Hide's jaw like he did with Kaneki.
"I can't keep wasting my time on weak-ass wimps like you two. Have fun with your toy, Nagachika."
Hide shrugs out of his grip. "Get out of here," he snaps.
The boy scoffs and then dares to touch Hide's face again, slapping the left side. "Have fun bleeding."
Hide keeps his glare on them as they retreat in a rush. A dead silence envelops them and the smell of burned paper lingers in the cool air. Hide turns around immediately.
"Kaneki!" Hide gets down to his knees, reaching for his friend like his life depends on it.
"Hey…" Kaneki replies with a small smile.
Hide's brows crease with worry as he examines the damage. Any evidence of bruising has already healed from Kaneki's face due to his ghoul ability to heal fast. Despite that, Hide knows better. Kaneki's eyes are dull and dead, reflecting what could have happened if he had not made it in time.
Kaneki feels guilty seeing the deep concern on Hide's face. He tries to look away but Hide grabs hold of his face, keeping their eyes connected.
"I should have got here faster. Damn it…" Hide says. He rests his forehead against Kaneki's. The warmth from Hide triggers Kaneki's emotions to strike back and he swallows hard.
"I'm happy you came at all…don't feel bad," Kaneki assures him gently.
Hide shakes his head and he pulls away. He grips his forehead, his fingers clenching through his hair. "If I was even a second later…he was gonna…"
Kaneki bites his lip and looks down to compose himself. When he lifts his head, he focuses on the stream of blood marring Hide's face. He moves closer and his left hand grips Hide's shirt while his right holds his friend's left cheek.
His kakugan appears just as Hide meets his eyes. Hide holds his breath in surprise while Kaneki comes in, his lips only a centimeter away from his mouth. The blond dares not to make a move, remaining as still as a statue. He feels Kaneki's warm breath brushing his mouth and then, a wet sensation. Kaneki's soft tongue licks over his lips and slowly down to his chin, pulling back up to below his nose. Kaneki can hear his heart drumming hard in his ears as he tastes Hide's fresh blood for the first time. His cheeks feel on fire, but the ghoul side of him doesn't let up. Kaneki lets out a small, shaky breath as he intentionally drags out the time despite cleaning all remnants of blood.
His tongue roams over the side of Hide's mouth once more before withdrawing. He keeps his eyes focused on the ground, afraid to see Hide's immediate reaction. Hide does not pressure him to look up, but Kaneki misses the flash of a new emotion present in Hide's gaze. His brown eyes show an intensity that awakens something within himself and he can't break away from it. In response, his hand reaches for Kaneki's, his fingers curling securely over the other.
Kaneki automatically leans forward, resting his forehead against Hide's chest. The sweat formed from the competitive game still stays on Hide's warm skin. Because of it, Hide's scent is stronger than before, and it dizzies Kaneki. He feels intoxicated along with something more intense.
Hide's scent and the taste of his blood coating his tongue - thick, hot, and strong. It excites him in a way he hasn't been before. It worsens when Hide wraps his exposed arm around his waist, the white tank top Hide wears revealing more of his flesh than Kaneki usually sees.
His entire body is on fire. He wants him.
…
Kaneki remains flushed in the face like he's in a constant fever while he watches Hide bending over the bathroom sink. The blond washes his bruised face and when he turns around, Kaneki can't stop staring at Hide's lean frame and his collarbones damp with water.
"Shit, I'm still bleeding. That asshole really got me…" Hide says nasally while he pinches his nose with a wad of paper towels.
He notices Kaneki hasn't taken his eyes off him once and he smiles warmly. When he sees red coloring Kaneki's cheeks, it makes his heart swell. He wants to protect Kaneki all the time, touch him. He fulfills his need, walking closer and letting his hand rest on his soft black hair before thumbing his warm cheek and letting his hand stay there.
"Tell me, Kaneki. Does it bother you when I touch you like this? Push me away if you want to, okay? Don't let people take advantage of you. Including me," Hide says, his voice slightly hoarse.
Kaneki's brows furrow slightly and he shakes his head, grasping Hide's hand on his face. "What are you saying? I want you to touch me…"
Hide's eyes darken at his words and Kaneki licks his lips. Hide lets his hand wander downward to Kaneki's neck, his fingers grasping the back of it. Kaneki gazes at Hide's reddened nose and his parted lips and he recalls how his tongue tasted him mere moments ago. The air is suddenly too heavy between them. He only smells Hide all around him. His head spins but he doesn't mind.
Hide sighs and he pulls away, leaning back against the sink. He puts the wad of bloody paper towel to his nose again.
"I can't believe those assholes picked on you just for defending Yuko. Your sketchbook's okay, right?" Hide asks in the comically nasal voice again.
Kaneki's eyes wander to his sketchbook lying on top of their backpacks and his chest constricts, thinking of his favorite work burning to ashes.
"Well…" Kaneki starts, his fingers wandering to his chin.
"Don't try and hide anything, dude. Spill it," Hide cuts in.
"I…I don't know…it really upsets me to even think about…" Kaneki confesses. He rubs his eye, feeling moisture as it smears on his hand.
Hide says nothing, waiting patiently while Kaneki takes a few deep breaths.
"I had been drawing something for a long while. It was special to me. I had finished it yesterday, but he took it from me and…" Kaneki sniffs and squeezes his arm. "He burned it right in front of me."
Hide throws away his paper towels and the look of fury crosses his face again. "What the hell…?"
Kaneki doesn't speak for a moment and Hide steps toward him. Hide's mouth drops open and he whispers, "I'm so sorry…"
"I wanted to show you too…after the game was over." Kaneki meets his eyes, cheeks blooming pink at what could have been.
"What did you draw? I mean, for him to burn it…"
Kaneki reaches for Hide's hand, his palms sweating as he grips his fingers.
"It was a drawing of you," Kaneki says, his voice stronger than before.
Hide's eyes widen and Kaneki smiles. Hide's fingers move to interlock with Kaneki's and the half-ghoul gasps when he sees, for the first time, water forming in Hide's brown eyes. Hide chuckles, his grin breaking through. He releases Kaneki's hand, placing both of his on either side of Kaneki's face and leans forward until their foreheads meet.
Kaneki breathes in Hide's exhales as the blond closes his eyes and feels his friend's body pressing onto him. Hide nuzzles his forehead against Kaneki's. The half-ghoul keeps his eyes glued on his love, heart reaching for the other until their pulses match.
"I really wish I could've seen it…"
Kaneki clutches Hide's hand. "I know…but it just means I get to draw you all over again. I'm happy to do it."
Hide pulls back slightly so that Kaneki can see his brown eyes still glazed with unshed tears.
"I should have punched him twice then…" Hide offers.
Kaneki holds Hide's knuckles in front of his mouth, his lips grazing against them like flower petals. Hide's heart pounds and he feels himself burning up inside as he fights his urges that only the half-ghoul triggers every time.
He wonders how much longer he can withstand his temptations.
"Still using the lame way of attaining food, huh?"
Nishiki messes his hair up as he walks past to sit on one of the old crates in the alley way. Kaneki rolls his eyes and then fixes his hair, turning around to see Nishiki sitting on a tower of crates, his arms crossed behind his head.
"It's better for me…and it's nice to help Yoshimura out. You should stop by Anteiku sometime, you know?" Kaneki suggests.
Nishiki shrugs. "I dunno. Maybe. Just hope you're not rusty when it comes to fighting."
Kaneki stares down at his hand and clenches it. "I'll only fight when absolutely necessary."
"Yeah, yeah, you're boring as hell. And because you're so boring, you missed out on something the other ghouls and I discovered last week."
Kaneki narrows his eyes as Nishiki rummages in his backpack and pulls out something that shines when he turns it over in his hands.
"Here." Nishiki bends down, holding out the piece for Kaneki to take.
Once Kaneki has it in his hands, he examines the object and finds it looks like a blade with a texture that feels familiar.
"What…is this? It looks like a weapon of some sort…"
"Yeah, a weapon to hunt ghouls. From one of them officers who attack and detain us," Nishiki says with a serious expression.
Kaneki exchanges glances with Nishiki. "This looks like a broken piece though…"
"Yup. We found shattered pieces of the weapon. You know these things are made from the kakuhou of ghouls they've hunted. And you know how human weapons don't really work on us?"
Kaneki nods slowly and Nishiki continues. "Best be careful with that. It can seriously hurt you like a knife would to a human. It won't heal as fast."
"Wait, you're giving this to me?" Kaneki asks.
Nishiki smirks. "Sure. Think of it as a souvenir. And as a warning to watch your back."
"O-Okay…um…thank you?"
Nishiki gives a small smile and Kaneki stows the piece away in his own backpack. He notices Kaneki smiling to himself when the half-ghoul's hand brushes against the book that Hide gave to him on his seventh birthday. It's been almost a decade since he's been friends with Hide, a decade for his feelings to grow to the point where it's harder to keep inside himself every day.
Nishiki's lips curl upwards in a smug expression. "So, how's high school been, Kaneki?"
Kaneki shrugs. "It's starting off rough…but hopefully it gets better…"
"In your dreams, dude. Did you know I'm attending school now too?"
Kaneki looks up wide-eyed at him. "What? Really? Since when?"
"Since this school year started. After being fucking homeschooled all these years by my damn sister, she finally enrolled me into a real school."
"Which school?"
Nishiki laughs. "You and Nagachika really need to get your eyes checked."
Kaneki gasps. "You're enrolled in the same high school as us?"
Nishiki leans further against the brick wall behind him. "That's right, moron. Better say hi to me if you idiots see me."
Kaneki chuckles and nods his head. Nishiki snorts and then speaks up again. "Speaking of Nagachika, have you confessed your feelings for him yet?"
Kaneki chokes on his own saliva and begins to cough violently once he registers Nishiki's abrupt statement. Nishiki shakes his head. "Man, how thick of a skull do you have? So damn dense."
Kaneki holds his chest, his face red from the coughing fit and realizing Nishiki knows his secret. "H-How… What makes you think I have feelings for Hide?"
"Shut up, man. I know all. And I've known you liked him since that time when you asked me about crushes and shit. Remember?"
Kaneki feels himself blushing and he holds his cheeks, overwhelmed.
"You still like him, right?"
Kaneki pauses and then lifts his head up. Nishiki's mouth opens slightly when he finds his answer through the way Kaneki's eyes look.
"Of all people, why'd you have to fall for that loud idiot?"
Kaneki smiles, thinking of his friend and feeling warmth flood him instantly. "I guess we don't get to choose who we fall for…"
"Then what the hell are you waiting for? You've been pining after the idiot for almost ten years."
Nishiki shushes him when Kaneki sputters, adding another point. "Yeah, that's right. I also know you've liked that sucker since pretty much the beginning of time. It's true, don't deny it."
Kaneki holds his face again. "It's so embarrassing when you say it out loud like that."
"Stop wasting time, Kaneki. If you don't tell him, you're going to lose him."
Kaneki's feels his heart jolt at those words and he frowns. "Since when were you such an advocate for relationships between humans and ghouls?"
"I'm not. But despite how annoying you and Nagachika are, I want to see you guys happy. Is that a crime?" Nishiki replies.
"I can't. It's not fair to Hide…" Kaneki says.
"What do you mean? That's bullshit."
"It's not bullshit. Hide's more social than me and he has other friends. Girls that are interested in him." Kaneki bites his lip as he thinks about the way Hide smiles at the girls in school. "Hide's been with me all this time and it's just not fair if I put my feelings out there. He should be allowed the freedom to find who he wants to be with…"
Kaneki hugs his backpack tighter against his chest. "Hide will find happiness with someone else and…I'll be happy no matter what."
Nishiki stares at him for a moment. "Liar."
"I'm not lying!" Kaneki snaps.
"Kaneki, I don't think you're even aware of how deep your feelings are for that guy."
The half-ghoul stays silent and Nishiki knows he's trying to avoid the topic.
"Just think, are you really gonna be able to take it if Hide falls for someone else?"
Kaneki hides his mouth behind his backpack, his eyes glazed over.
Nishiki sighs, gazing up at the afternoon sky. "You gotta be selfish when it comes to this. That's what my sister says…"
He can barely focus. His nerves are on edge, a reaction no other boy in his class would have if they had been in his shoes mere moments ago. He's already standing next to Hide's bike outside the school, eagerly waiting to see the first hint of blond hair amongst the students.
He doesn't expect it when his vision is suddenly blackened. Over his eyes, a pair of hands blocks his sights and right away, Kaneki knows who it is.
"Hide?" he asks softly.
"Aw, dang it! You just know everything about me, don't ya?" Hide states with a laugh.
He ruffles Kaneki's hair before playfully pressing his mouth against the back of his head. The action causes Kaneki to turn tomato red and he whips around in an instant, gazing at Hide with no sign of annoyance like the blond thought. All he sees in Kaneki's expression warms his chest - those grey eyes cherish him, and he doesn't understand why. Words are lost on his tongue.
"Hide…something happened," Kaneki begins.
Hide turns serious and he takes Kaneki's shoulders right away. "What happened? Is it those assholes again?"
Kaneki gives a small smile at Hide's protective instinct. "No, it's not that. It's just…"
"Just what?"
"A girl…asked me to hang out with her."
Deep inside him, he wants to see a hint of something. A hint of that evil emotion he feels when he sees Hide with another girl. He wishes to see it so bad in those brown eyes he adores.
But there's nothing. Only joy and excitement for him. He's so cruel to feel disappointment when he knows Hide would support him. He always will.
But not like this…
"Really? Like a date, right? A real date? Who asked you?" Hide fires questions at him. His hands grip Kaneki's shoulders to show how thrilled he is for his friend.
Kaneki buries his inner thoughts and forces a smile. "Yeah…it was Yuko. I don't think she likes me like that though…"
"Are you kidding? Why wouldn't she? You're amazing, Kaneki! Any girl would be lucky to go out with you. And Yuko? She's a sweet girl. I approve 100 percent!" Hide exclaims. A big grin stays on his face and he shakes Kaneki back and forth.
Kaneki laughs nervously and scratches his cheek. "I really think she's just trying to thank me…"
Hide groans and throws his arm around Kaneki's shoulders. "Come on, man, carpe diem! Just think, this could be your first step to getting an awesome girlfriend! You could beat me to getting one first for all I know!"
With every word of encouragement from Hide, Kaneki's lungs become more and more compressed. His breath seems to escape him, and he can't think of anything else to say. He finds it strange that for the first time, he feels like his friend isn't hearing him, really hearing him. His stomach grows queasy and he leans against Hide's shoulder when his head spins too fast. His friend pulls him close and whispers in his ear.
"I'm so happy for you, Kaneki. Go and have fun! I'll be here cheering you on."
It's difficult for him to keep smiling.
"Okay, I'll do it."
He lies to his friend, this time without his usual giveaway.
He studies Hide's reaction. It's hard to read his friend. He can't find anything.
Hide beams at him. His heart is squeezed so hard, blood leaks into his lungs.
Hide says nothing more.
"It's okay. No hard feelings."
She doesn't question his rejection, not even a little bit. She's far too understanding. Is she like Nishiki, reading him like an open book? Is he truly that easy?
No. It's because he can't keep his own heart inside his chest. Anyone who looks in his eyes would know right away.
There's someone else.
Of course, he couldn't do it. He can't even watch as she walks away. She's not angry though, not in the slightest.
He can't help feeling bad for saying no to her, but even more than that, he wants to see Hide. It's too much. He can't take it anymore.
So, he runs, searching for his friend through the campus grounds. The school day had only ended mere moments ago. He can catch him. He can finally say it.
Carpe diem, Hide had told him. Well, he is going to do just that.
An adrenaline rush kicks through him and a smile spreads on his face when he thinks about how he'll get to say it. After so long, after almost ten years, he can be free.
Then he hears it. Hide's voice, like music to his ears.
He races to where his friend is but stops in his tracks and nearly falls when he catches another voice. The club girl. Her.
His heart is eager to reach Hide, beating against his fingers on his chest in protest. He swallows hard and takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. Shutting his eyes for a second, he then peers behind the wall that hides him from view, spotting Hide and Mei facing each other in the middle of an isolated hallway.
"He's such a fucking bastard, Hide. I hate his guts."
Since when did she get to call him Hide?
"You don't deserve that, Mei. You have to get out of it."
She wipes her cheek with the back of her hand and then looks up at him. Kaneki feels his breathing quicken at the way she stares at him. He wants to stab those eyes.
"You know, Hide, you're a really great guy. Why are you so nice to me?"
Hide rubs the back of his neck. "Well…I dunno…I'm just-"
She steps forward, closing the gap between them.
"I really like you."
She grabs him, pulling him into a tight embrace.
He is stunned, but he returns the gesture. His hands rest on her back. Is he happy-
Kaneki can't remember the rest. Because that's when he turns away. That's when he runs. Far and fast. Away from him. Away from the one he wants so much.
He doesn't know how he got back to his only safe space surrounded by his father's books. He doesn't feel like himself anymore. Just a ghost now.
Numb. Nothing reaches him.
…
His aunt and cousin aren't home when he hears the doorbell ringing. The floor has been his bed for the past few hours and the sun is gone. He is surprised that the Asaokas are not home yet. Not that he cares.
His groggy mind thinks it's them when his legs carry him down the stairs and towards the entrance. It's too late when he realizes his aunt has the key to her own home and he opens to the door to see him.
Hide stands there. Right in front of him. Waiting.
He's smiling, but it goes away when he sees the remnants of distress on Kaneki's face and he comes to him quick like a magnet.
"What happened?" Hide asks, concern resonating in his voice.
Hearing him, Kaneki's heart reacts and strikes against his chest again. Begging. Wanting.
He puts his mask on.
"She…changed her mind," he says simply.
Hide takes in the dark shadows under Kaneki's eyes and his black hair that's messier than usual. He shakes his head.
"Did she do something to you? Did she hurt you?" His voice carries anger, ready to fight for him. His brows furrow in anticipation of Kaneki's answer.
"She didn't do anything. I told you, she doesn't like me, that's all."
Hide shakes his head again. "That's crazy. What did she say?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Hide. I'm tired, I'm sorry-"
"Kaneki, please talk to me. I hate seeing you so upset. Please…"
Hide takes Kaneki's wrists and the half-ghoul feels his cold front melting already.
Why…
He pulls him in and still, Kaneki does not resist. His right arm wraps around his waist and Kaneki automatically blushes at the warmth of Hide spreading through him. Their chests meet, Kaneki's hand placed over where Hide's heart is. Kaneki makes the mistake of looking into those eyes that tie him down in a millisecond.
"Kaneki…" Hide whispers.
Kaneki weakens in his grasp and he knows he wants to stay like this forever.
A flash of Hide with her invades him.
He feels Hide leaning in closer and that's when his hand moves. Hide catches on fast and his eyes widen when Kaneki pushes him away. Hide stumbles a few feet back and Kaneki keeps his gaze disconnected from him. His face turns so that Hide can only see his cheek.
"I'm sorry, Hide. But…I need space."
His voice nearly breaks on the last few words.
Hide's mouth drops open to say something, but on instinct, he stays silent. Hide wants to disobey and continue pressing the matter. Yet, as always, he doesn't cross the line.
"Okay then. I…I just wanted to help. I'm sorry…"
For the first time, Hide sounds weak.
Kaneki nearly betrays himself to reach for Hide but he stays firm in his place, still refusing to look Hide in the eye.
Hide knows Kaneki won't look at him, but he puts on his smile. His voice changes back to the cheerful one, the one that Kaneki knows is the fake tone he uses with everyone else.
"See you later then. Take care of yourself, okay?"
He hears Hide's footsteps retreating, leaving him.
He finally looks up towards where Hide was standing.
He sees his friend's back. His friend walking away from him.
His exhale comes out sharp and his hand automatically reaches for his friend. He continues bleeding, liquid dripping down his flushed cheeks. His mind calls Hide's name several times. Loud. Over and over.
But his voice doesn't.
He drops to his knees. The floor drinks his tears as they continue falling silently.
…
The brown of Hide's irises are blank with no spark. No sign of life.
His mind can't think of anyone else. Only him.
"Space…he wants space…"
He mutters to himself absentmindedly.
He thinks of how he held Kaneki's body against him. How he was so close. The pink of the half-ghoul's cheeks tempting him to touch him more. The way Kaneki's grey eyes had looked at him at that moment. Eyes that told him to keep going. Told him not to stop.
"I shouldn't have done that…"
Hide's fingers tap against his lips in thought. He laughs bitterly. At himself.
I shouldn't have done that.