When he sees him on the way to school, he doesn't hesitate. He doesn't care what may be going on in the other's head. His body moves based on what his heart wants, placing his mind in the corner.
He doesn't even bother calling his name. His breaths come out desperate and fast. His eyes are clouded, blind to everything else but him. His arms reach out and he lunges forward once his legs carry him near enough.
One would think his nose ought to be crushed by how hard he collides into his friend's back. His arms tuck under Hide's and wrap around his core. How he waited to do this. He couldn't sleep at all the previous night after he left. His eyes are still puffy and red, but he doesn't think about it. He wants him back. He never wants to see him leave again.
His chest rises and falls against Hide's back from how hard he ran. Seeing him this morning put him into overdrive. Thinking of him was the very first thought in his distressed brain and has been every day and night.
Hide is frozen in place, his brown eyes wide in shock. He doesn't have to turn around or question the one holding him. Kaneki's grip around his waist tightens, his hands clawing at the front of his shirt. He hears Kaneki whispering.
"Hide…Hide…"
Kaneki repeats his name, his voice lost between breaths. Hide feels Kaneki nuzzling his face into his back and he has the urge to turn around and keep the half-ghoul in his arms forever. Kaneki trembles against him, making it that much harder to resist his instinct to hold him safe and away from everything.
No…I can't get my hopes up. He's my best friend. There's just no way he would…
He thinks of Kaneki needing space, yet here he is grabbing him like this.
What do I do…
Kaneki's heart begins to heal piece by piece as he inhales Hide's scent deeply into his mind and soul. He wants to do so much more. He wants Hide to touch him.
Hide finally grabs hold of Kaneki's wrists, and he starts to turn. Kaneki loosens his hold and he waits for Hide to take him into his arms like he usually would. His trembles worsen in anticipation.
But once Hide takes hold of him, he pulls his hands off from his shirt as he turns. He releases Kaneki's hands in the next second. Losing contact with Hide leaves Kaneki cold and when his grey eyes slowly meet his friend's gaze, he shivers.
Those brown eyes don't hold the warmth he needs. They are blank, distant. Too distant. His friend looks at him like he would towards a casual classmate. It has the default cheerful tinge that Kaneki isn't used to because Hide never looks at him like this. Never.
Until now.
"Oh, hey, Kaneki."
His heart throbs. Hide's voice sounds as fake as his eyes.
"What are you doing here?"
Kaneki's pupils constrict at this new tone. He's at a loss for words. His lips part but his throat catches.
Hide smiles, but it's not real.
"Are you okay?"
Kaneki swallows and he forces himself to speak. "Hide…I…"
"Hide!"
Hide turns away from Kaneki to face her.
Once she stops running, she immediately grabs his hands. "Hide, I was looking everywhere for you! Come on, you said you'd help me with my lines, right?"
Hide chuckles and Kaneki feels another cut to his chest. He sounds happy. Is it just his imagination? That damned emotion screwing with his brain again?
"I was just coming to see you, chill, sweetheart," he says playfully.
She giggles, and Kaneki sees her blushing at the pet name.
It's not real. He doesn't really care for her. He repeats those words in his head to prevent himself from breaking. He wants to hurt this girl so badly. If he could, he'd rip her arm off. Maybe devour it too. He imagines how juicy her flesh would be in his mouth, her blood dribbling down his chin. He'd make it as painful as possible. He'd relish her screams.
She pulls Hide in her direction. The fire in his chest burns. He hates her so much.
Hide steps further away from him and his hand automatically reaches for him again. His fingers graze his friend's arm. Hide looks over his shoulder at the half-ghoul and Kaneki opens his mouth to say something.
"Bye, Kaneki."
Hide walks ahead of him, not looking back once after he says his farewell. Every footstep he takes echoes in Kaneki's head.
Kaneki doesn't move as he watches the girl clinging to his arm and talking so loudly like she wants the universe to know her business. That she has the one he desires in her grasp.
The further away his friend goes, the fire within him diminishes and in its place, water drowns his lungs and his heart bleeds out from wounds that reopen.
The grey of his irises is pale. Lifeless.
His body is hollow. He feels so weak.
He smiles.
He doesn't see Hide as often these days. If he's being honest, though, he doesn't really see him at all.
He can't find the courage to face Hide after seeing those eyes of his that look at him like he's a stranger. So, he avoids the places where he knows he'd bump into him. Hide no longer visits him during breaks at school.
He is alone.
He doesn't speak to anyone. Avoids everyone and stays barricaded in his own mind. The voices are louder when he's by himself and they keep him company instead.
You didn't think that you'd be able to keep him forever, did you? Look at you. Such a liar. You knew this was coming.
His life had always been routine, simple. But now, everything is robotic. He seems to run on autopilot.
Wake up. Go to school. Return home. Sleep. Wake up again.
He waits for the day when he doesn't wake up.
The day when nothing can open his eyes.
The day when he can truly find real peace.
Week after week passes. Soon, it nears the end of the month.
Being away from him for this long, he can't believe it's happening. Hide hates him.
He hates me.
He wishes he could find a new brain. He nearly considers killing someone again, so he could do just that.
He's losing it.
Like you were ever sane. You're a monster, remember?
His aunt gets more and more irritated with his presence now that he's a teenager, three years away from the age of eighteen. The age in which he'll enter university. The day when she'll finally be able to kick him out of her house. Though she won't be completely free from him until he is twenty.
"Putting up with this brat for five more years. That boy should be thankful. Thankful I haven't thrown him on the streets all these years. He's such a waste."
She keeps muttering her complaints, loud enough for him to hear. Other times, she ignores him like he doesn't exist as usual. When she notices that his friend hasn't come to see him in the past weeks, she laughs.
"He finally got tired of you, didn't he?"
He hardly left his room the entire day when she said that. He would've soaked his pillows with tears, but he finds he's gone dry. He's just so empty. If someone stabbed through him, he wonders if he'll split in two because there's nothing else keeping him together.
…
He can't forget him. Of course, he can't. There's no way he could. He's a part of him.
He can't draw. He can hardly read.
His mind is slowly consuming him.
He thinks about him as soon as his eyes open. He thinks about him as his eyes close.
His hands rake through his hair, clenching onto his skull. All he can see is him.
He suffocates. His chest feels so heavy and he wants to carve his heart out.
Just end it.
"It can seriously hurt you like a knife would to a human. It won't heal as fast."
His eyes snap open from another dreamless sleep. In the pitch black of his room, his eyes find where it rests hidden. The memento Nishiki found for him.
He rolls off his bed. His hands and knees meet the carpet and he crawls over to where he placed it. He opens the lowest drawer of his dresser. His fingers push aside the pile of folded trousers covering the blade from view.
Once he spots its shine, the sharpness of the edge, his mind goes into a frenzy. For once, he suddenly feels a spark of energy. A burst of happiness. He doesn't understand. But he chases it.
He's excited but he must find the perfect moment. He'll spend a little longer breathing, but he's already losing patience. It takes all his might to shut that drawer and come back to the darkness.
He'll find it. His true peace will come. A few more days.
He chooses his moment one afternoon when he comes home from another mundane school day. When his aunt decides she wants to give him attention.
"Oh well, look who it is. My ungrateful nephew."
She's drunk. He can smell the alcohol on her breath from where he stands near the entrance. Her in-laws paying her a visit are gathered in her living room. The television's volume is up to its max limit. He feels their eyes on him, studying him. Judging him. He shrinks within himself and his skin crawls. His hand clutches on his bag hanging off his right shoulder.
"This brat thinks he's so much better than my son. My brilliant Yuuichi."
She spits her words at him and her in-laws murmur amongst themselves. He keeps his eyes on the ground and bites his lower lip. He needs to get away from her. He shakes in fear.
"Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you, boy."
He blocks her words out and tries to get around her towards the stairs. She stands in his way and pushes him back. He stumbles and refuses to follow her command.
"You're a piece of shit. I see my sister in you so much and it makes me want to vomit. I wish you would just disappear. Why couldn't you have died instead of her?"
Those last few words repeat in his brain like a broken record. For once, he agrees with her. Why didn't he die? Then his mother wouldn't have had to deal with the burden of raising a child. Aside from helping her sister, she could have been free. She could have lived a little longer.
It would have been so much better if he was gone.
At this revelation, he doesn't realize that he's smiling. Twisted, but a smile nonetheless.
The aunt reads his emotion wrong. His apparent joy angers her.
"You think it's funny, huh? Or are you mocking me? What the hell is wrong with you?"
She shoves him harder and this time, he dares to look her in the eye with the disturbing smile still intact.
"I hate you!"
He doesn't realize she had been holding the bottle in her hand. He doesn't move as she swings, and the glass bottle collides with the side of his head. The force of the blow knocks him to the ground. It leaves him with a throbbing headache, but it hardly hurts. He's disappointed.
He feels a stream of blood flow down the left side of his face, but it doesn't last long. The minor gash to his head heals in a second but his aunt doesn't notice in her plastered state. She stares down at him with utter disgust, her lips turned up in a sneer. The bottle in her hand is shattered, the broken pieces of glass scattered at her feet. The last bit of alcohol it held stains Kaneki's uniform.
She kicks him hard in the stomach as he lies on his side, his gaze focused on the floor. She lets out a few hiccups and staggers away from him.
"Piece of shit. Can't stand him…"
Her next few words are slurred together as she returns to where her in-laws are. None of them had paid any further attention to the commotion.
He truly doesn't exist.
He gets back on his feet once he's sure she won't see him. He drags himself up the stairs and towards his room. He pays his cousin no mind as Yuuichi stares at him and the blood on his face.
He drops his bag to the ground, closing his room door shut and effectively muting the noise downstairs. He keeps the shades on his windows closed, though the late afternoon sun manages to peek through. Lines of orange light decorate the carpet as Kaneki sheds his drenched uniform, tossing it into the laundry basket near the small bathroom. He throws on whatever clothes he finds from his dresser, and when he does, he remembers his idea. The idea that excited him a couple nights before.
His hands take hold of the cold blade and it glints at him, teasing him with its menacing edge. His pulse begins to beat harder as he stands and enters his bathroom. He closes the bathroom door, so he knows for sure he won't be disturbed.
He stares at the blade for what seems like an extended hour. Everything feels like ice around him; he swears he's in a freezer instead. Slowly, his eyes leave the shard and he looks up at the mirror. He nearly screams when he doesn't see himself, but his mother. Staring right back at him.
"Oh, Ken. I miss you."
His breathing is staggered, and he almost drops the blade in his hand. His eyes are wide and rounder than ever. His heart stops for a split moment.
"M-Mom?" he whispers. He trembles at the sight of her, smiling at him. The smile of hers reflects his own - manic.
He's so much like her. Deranged. Lost.
"I need you here, my son. Come with me."
She reaches her hand out to him. As she extends her hand, the flesh disintegrates, revealing the skeleton underneath. Her bony arm coaxes him forth.
He has the urge to take her hand, but at the last second, he thinks of him.
"I…I can't leave…I…I still haven't…"
He can hardly speak.
"Forget him. He's already forgotten about you."
Her steel eyes stare him down. The left lens of her glasses cracks as she tilts her head at him like a porcelain doll.
He shakes his head. "No…I can't do that…you don't understand anything. You never did!"
She laughs then, and it chills Kaneki to the bone. The blade in his hand feels heavier than before.
"So naïve. So stupid. You won't find peace unless you come with me."
He grits his teeth and shakes his head, vigorously this time. "No! I can't do that! I won't!"
"Yes, you can! No one cares for you like I do! No one knows you like I do!"
Her scolding voice hurts his ears and he begins to hyperventilate.
"Mom, you never listen to me. No one will listen to me!" He grips his aching head.
"You know what made me stay sane, my boy?"
He looks up and sees his mother giving him a gentle gaze. He gasps when her neck begins to ooze blood from a long slit across her skin.
"It feels so good, Ken. It makes you feel so alive."
As if there is some unknown energy controlling him, his head lowers and the blade shines brighter in his view. Like treasure so divine; only for him.
His eyes switch over to his left arm. He pulls down his sleeve, revealing the pale flesh underneath. Veins, blue and waiting for him. Inviting him to take the plunge.
He doesn't think anymore.
Next thing he knows, his right hand moves, and the blade makes its first mark. He exhales heavily. The stabbing pain shakes his entire body. He's never felt pain this intense before. His eyes water immediately.
He doesn't stop. He continues drawing the blade down the inside of his left wrist. He takes deep breaths as he does so. His head spins. His pupils roll back. He whimpers and hisses.
The first cut he makes is long and extends to midway down his inner arm. His blood seeps out fast, flowing to the ground and coloring it deep crimson.
His mouth is dry and uncontrollable tremors take over his limbs. He begins to sink to his knees as he proceeds to decorate himself more. Slash after slash. He crosses them this time, one after the other over the vertical first cut.
Mom! It's like a game!
Tears begin falling down his cheeks and he manages to laugh. Mirroring his mother once again.
An image of his friend enters his mind just then.
It's true.
The wounds on his arm heal slower. But they heal still.
Yet he's bleeding fast.
His friend turns away from him for the thousandth time like he did the last time they spoke.
The blade drops from his hand, clattering to the ground in a messy heap. Blood splatters all over. His head hits the floor hard as he lies on his left side. His left arm splays out before him, revealing his gruesome craft. He feels his kakugan activating as his ghoul abilities hasten to heal the wounds. Red fibers rise from within his flesh like worms, desperately working to stop the bleeding.
His gaze stays fixed on his cuts and his mind stays on his friend.
Good boy. He hears his mother say. You're such a good boy, Ken.
His eyelids grow heavy as his blood seeps onto the cool floor.
The silence is deafening.
…
He's too kind. Kindness costs him and pulls him away from who he wants to be with the most.
No other person can fill the gap that exists in his heart and soul. No one.
He needs to see him. He needs to see him now.
Kindness dragged him behind to help her. He feels guilty if he doesn't, and it's only temporary. He tells himself that over and over.
Yet time slipped by him and he knows how long it's been. It causes him such strain. He can't stand it.
He leaves her behind when he knows she's distracted by her other friends. He makes an excuse and she buys it.
All those weeks, he gave Kaneki what he wanted. But he can't stay away anymore. Even if his friend has grown to hate him. Even if his friend may have found interest in someone else.
He knows he wouldn't have a chance anyway.
He is unsure if his friend knew, but every day, he had stopped by the aunt's home before it got too dark. He didn't knock or climb up to his window like he usually would. He had stood by, staring up at the window of his friend's room. Hoping his friend was okay and sleeping well. Taking care of himself.
It took every muscle in his body to not barge in and run to his friend.
He needs to get it off his chest.
No. I'll never do that. I won't force my feelings on him.
One afternoon, he is finished helping her. She tries to get him to stay longer but he escapes without another word. Anything else she says falls on deaf ears.
No more of this. He won't stay away anymore.
He bikes hard and fast, the summer sun beating down on him. He wipes the sweat from his brow, his mind working overtime on what he'll say to his friend. This is the longest they haven't spoken since the day they met. His nerves drive him near mad.
When the aunt's home comes into view, he has never felt more nervous. He hesitates in his step multiple times as he gets off his bike and walks it over to where his friend's window is.
Normally, it's quiet from where he stands outside. But that afternoon, he hears loud noises from the inside and from what he can tell, it sounds like music or a television show. Either way, it's a ruckus he'd rather avoid.
He walks over and uncovers the ladder he borrowed from his dad hidden behind a large row of bushes, still intact and steady. He uses it every time to climb up to where Kaneki's room window resides. Sometimes, he wonders if the aunt or anyone else had ever discovered it, and if they did, no one had any say on the matter.
Before he readies the ladder, he notices there is no light coming out from Kaneki's room and his shades are closed. First, the loud noise and now this. Hide's instincts make him more anxious.
Once he sets up the ladder, he takes a deep breath to calm himself and then makes his way up. At the window, he pauses before knocking on the glass.
No answer.
Hide figures Kaneki might ignore him. He sighs and knocks again, harder this time.
Nothing changes.
The gut feeling in Hide's stomach worsens and he knows for sure that something is wrong. Immediately, he thinks the aunt hurt his friend again.
The commotion inside the home continues. The window is locked and Hide knows he has no other choice.
He makes his way back to the ground and then walks around to the front of the house. He doesn't let his nerves get to him as he goes straight to the door. He rings the bell and knocks for good measure. He taps his foot impatiently and he goes to knock once more until the door opens just as he raises his fist. He braces himself, expecting to confront the aunt but he comes face to face with Yuuichi instead.
Yuuichi holds the door open and takes in the blond's appearance. Hide is still in his school uniform, although he has removed the outer black top, leaving him in the white dress shirt and black trousers. Hide feels hot and sweaty from the afternoon sun but none of that matters. His gaze is serious and the cousin stares at him with indifference and boredom.
Hide looks down and notices that Yuuichi is holding a broom and dustpan, which contains broken glass. His eyes narrow and he takes it in as another clue to his suspicions of what occurred.
"I need to see him. May I please come in?" he asks, his tone unwavering and stern.
Yuuichi glances Hide up and down a second time, irritating the blond. He has no time to waste.
"Please. It's important," Hide says earnestly.
Yuuichi lets out an exhale and he opens the door wider, stepping to the side and clearing a path for Hide. The blond steps inside, placing his shoes neatly next to the other guests. The loud noise seems to shake the house and he peers to his left to see what looks like a family gathering in the living room. He glances behind him to see Yuuichi cleaning up the rest of the broken glass on the hardwood floor.
"She hit him again," the cousin announces nonchalantly when he feels Hide's intent stare. He doesn't bother looking at Hide as he scoops up the glass.
Hide's expression hardens into a glare and he turns away towards the stairs. He glances at the family members who are too occupied to notice anything else but their own carefree world. Hide races up the stairs and straight down the hall to Kaneki's room. The door is closed and once he stands in front of it, he speaks.
"Kaneki?" he calls out.
Still, no answer.
He wonders if his friend is sleeping as he turns the door knob and slowly enters. His feet pad the carpet softly. It's dark in his friend's room. The bit of light spills between the shades and under the bathroom door, which is also shut.
Hide freezes in place. His arms shake, and he doesn't understand why he suddenly thinks of his mother. He hadn't thought of her in so long.
He doesn't get scared often, but at that moment, fear creeps in on him.
It's too quiet.
He walks over to the bathroom and presses his ear against the door. He hears no sound and without letting the fear get to him, he opens the door.
Nothing makes sense to him anymore.
…
Seeing Kaneki on the ground. So much blood. All over the floor. His friend's face covered from view.
He can hardly breathe.
A flash of his mother hanging from the ceiling enters his mind. Her legs swinging. Her neck snapped.
Everything blurs together.
His jaw drops open and at first, no word comes out.
First, it's like a squeak. His breaths are rapid.
Then he yells. His voice cracks and he doesn't recognize it.
His brain doesn't work anymore.
Kaneki's name is the only thing that registers out of his mouth.
He collapses to his knees and his arms grab for his friend. They hold on tight. Drowning in blood.
His vision blurs and he finally has Kaneki in his grasp. He supports Kaneki's shoulders under his left arm while his other reaches over to Kaneki's wounded limb. He can't make out the cuts because it's covered in dark red. In his frantic state, he leans up to grab a hand towel lying near the sink and presses it to Kaneki's left arm in an instant. Keeping a strong hold there, he then looks up at Kaneki's face. The half-ghoul's head is limp in his hold, and his skin is paler than normal. There are dark shadows under his friend's eyes.
Hide shakes Kaneki's body, calling his name over and over.
No one hears him. No one cares.
Kaneki is still breathing. He can see his friend's chest rising, though it's shallow. His fingers pressing into the bloody arm detects a weak pulse.
"Open your eyes, please. Please! Wake up!"
Through his numbed state, he doesn't realize that he's sobbing. His cheeks are completely stained with tears he hasn't shed in years. His voice becomes garbled, but he doesn't stop yelling for his friend. Begging him.
His hands are coated with his friend's blood. He can't stop his overwhelming emotions as they come pouring out of him like dynamite.
He cradles Kaneki close against him, rocking his form back and forth. He buries his head in Kaneki's collarbone, muttering his pleads.
…
Someone is calling his name. He hears it, like a distant echo in a never-ending tunnel. He thinks it's his mother haunting him, and he tries his hardest to block her out of his head.
But the voice is persistent and soon, he begins to realize it's not his mother or any other voice that lingers in his brain. It's him.
Hide?
He thinks maybe this is a sign that he's fading. Yet it sounds too real. So close.
Hide's voice sounds desperate and distraught. It saddens Kaneki but even more, he is worried. He must get out of this limbo he's stuck in.
Hide!
First, his hand twitches. The one that he feels is being held firmly by someone. He doesn't feel as cold as he used to. Warmth envelops him, and as he opens his eyes, his vision takes a minute to focus on the ceiling above him.
His body twitches and that's when he senses someone lifting themselves off from where the person rested on his shoulder.
He thinks his mind is playing tricks on him again when he sees the messy blond hair he can spot a thousand miles away. He takes deeper breaths in, filling his compressed lungs with much needed oxygen. He smells Hide's scent permeating the air, and he knows for sure, Hide is real.
His grey eyes search and find those brown eyes looking straight at him with an intensity that ignites his empty soul. His temperature rises the longer their eyes lock. Hide is in tears. When he sees how red his friend's eyes are, the anguish on his face, it snaps Kaneki fully awake.
In all the years of their friendship, he has never seen Hide cry.
"H-Hide?" he says, his voice hoarse.
"Oh my god," Hide gasps and he presses his forehead against his friend.
Kaneki can't keep his eyes off Hide as he breathes out in relief, the remnants of his sobbing still racking his system.
"Kaneki, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," Hide repeats, his eyes shut tightly in remorse.
"Hide, you're here…" Kaneki whispers. He can't explain the exuberant rush of joy that surges through his weakened body. His friend is here by his side.
"I was so scared. I thought you were dead! I-it was like mom! All over again. I couldn't- I-" Hide can barely get his words straight and Kaneki can feel his friend shaking against him.
The half-ghoul feels Hide's agony and immediately, guilt seeps through his pores. He's a fool.
"Hide, it's okay. I'm okay," Kaneki tries to reassure him. His voice is still small, but it doesn't stop him. He tries to lift his left arm up despite Hide's grip.
"It's not okay. I should never have left you alone. I'm so, so sorry. Hate me. I deserve it. Please. I'm so sorry," Hide pulls away. His eyes stare into Kaneki's and they show how deeply upset he is. How he can't forgive himself.
"Hate me. Tell me how much pain I caused you. Tell me I deserve to suffer," Hide pleads.
Kaneki's mouth drops opens at his friend's statements. His heart beats strong now, pushing him.
"Hide, don't ever say that again," Kaneki tells him. His voice comes out louder.
"Why? You know I did wrong. Don't tell me I-" Hide tries to say.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Hide. Don't apologize. And I could never, ever hate you. Never," Kaneki says. Hide's grip loosens on his wounded arm and he raises it to touch his friend's cheek.
Hide glances down at the feel of Kaneki's hand and the cuts he can now see up close. His brows knot together and he looks Kaneki in the eye once more.
Kaneki's grey eyes seem to sparkle in his view, gazing at him like he's his entire world. A tear escapes from Hide's right eye as Kaneki continues.
"I love you, Hide."
Hide stops breathing when he hears those words. Water gathers in Kaneki's eyes and they spring out in an instant, falling sideways down the half-ghoul's face.
"And not as just friends. It never was to me," Kaneki confesses.
Kaneki's cheeks redden, and he smiles brightly at his friend. His true love.
"Please, I know I'm selfish, but…please stay with me. I'm sorry," Kaneki whispers. His left hand moves to cling to Hide's shirt and he nuzzles against his chest. He inhales his love's scent and grips tighter onto him.
Hide breaks out of his speechless state and he grasps Kaneki's chin, pulling him gently so that their eyes meet again. "Kaneki, of course, I'll stay with you. Of course, I will. You're the only person I want to be with forever. Because I feel the exact same way."
He rests his forehead on Kaneki's once more.
"I love you too."
Hide's brown eyes are warmer than ever. Seeing them after those solitary weeks, Kaneki can't stop the relentless tears leaking out of him.
"A-Am I dreaming? Is this all in my head?" Kaneki asks and Hide grins at him.
"This is real, Kaneki. It's real," Hide reassures him.
Hide hugs Kaneki's body against him with all the strength he has. Kaneki exhales and he cries harder, not in sadness. He's so happy. So deeply in love with the boy holding him.
"I'm right here, Kaneki. I'm never letting you go."
Hide's shirt dampens with his love's tears. Kaneki embraces him just as tightly. His hands claw at his back. His heart bursts and collides with Hide's steady pulse.
He is free.
…
Hide cleans the blood from Kaneki's face, his arms, and off the floor. The warm water in the bathtub is crimson as he washes the tainted towel.
Kaneki sits on the covered toilet as Hide doesn't let him lift a finger to help. He stares at his left arm. The cuts are mostly closed, though it lingers longer than usual.
"You cut yourself pretty deep, it seems," Hide says. He wrings the water out of the towel with both hands.
Kaneki bites his lip and he can't find the words to say anything else.
Hide holds up the blade that Kaneki used, now cleaned, and he narrows his eyes at the unusual look of it. "Where did you get this?"
Kaneki rubs his arm. "Nishiki…he found it on one of his hunts. Human knives wouldn't work on ghouls. He said this was part of a weapon used by these people that go after us…"
Hide flips the blade over in his hand. "I didn't know these things even existed…Why the hell would he give you something so dangerous?"
"Well…no one ever said he was smart…right?" Kaneki tries to make light of the situation, but of course, Hide doesn't buy it.
Hide sets the blade on the tub side, intending to dispose of it later.
"Did you want to die? Tell me the truth," Hide says seriously when he turns back to his friend.
Kaneki's gaze saddens, and he shuts his eyes. "At first, I did. But then I realize…it's more because I needed to feel something. Anything. The pain was something I wanted. Because it was all I had."
Hide smashes his fist against his forehead then, causing Kaneki to gasp in shock.
"Hide?"
"I hate myself. Fuck. I messed up, Kaneki. I'm so sorry." Hide shakes his head and grips his hair.
"I don't understand. What do you mean?" Kaneki questions.
Hide looks Kaneki in the eye. "I thought…I thought you needed space. I thought that was what you wanted. That maybe you found someone you liked. I…" He sighs heavily. "I didn't want to smother you with me hanging around."
Kaneki reaches out to hold Hide's free hand. "I thought…you were mad at me. That you hated me."
Hide shakes his head and he grabs Kaneki's face in his hands. "No. I never hated you."
Kaneki smiles at him, losing himself in Hide's eyes. Hide glances at Kaneki's lips and he restrains himself, pulling away.
Kaneki watches Hide setting the towel on the side of the tub near the blade, allowing it to dry while he lets the bloody water flow down the drain.
Kaneki then thinks about what Hide said, about his mother. "I…I wish you didn't have to see me like that."
Hide grips the tub, his muscles tense. He slowly turns his head, his lips forming a thin line and his eyes unveiling a mix of emotions that leaves Kaneki feeling low.
He chooses not to speak and continues to fix his friend. He looks through the cabinet above Kaneki's head and grabs the box of band-aids in there.
Kaneki holds his left arm out, turning it to reveal the cuts on the inner side. He doesn't bother telling Hide there's no need to bandage him, allowing his friend to do what he needs. Hide handles Kaneki like he's fragile glass. Kaneki stares at Hide's concentrated expression while he uses about seven band-aids to protect the cuts.
"Sorry…a gauze roll would have been better. I just don't want these cuts to re-open," Hide explains.
Kaneki smiles. "It's fine. Don't worry."
Hide gives half of a smile back and then stands up from his kneeling position. Kaneki lifts his head and feels Hide's arms wrapping around him. Next thing he knows, he's being carried in Hide's arms, bridal-style.
He gasps and puts his arms around Hide's neck as the blond takes them out of the bathroom and towards Kaneki's bed. When Hide sets Kaneki down onto the mattress, the half-ghoul turns and opens the shades to let natural light in. The sun is setting outside, casting a deep orange glow on them.
Hide takes a seat next to Kaneki, who faces him right away. Hide grabs Kaneki's hand, clutching it firmly.
"I'm so afraid of losing you. When I thought I lost you like my mom, I… There's no way I could handle that. Just no way…" Hide admits softly, closing his eyes.
Kaneki holds Hide's hand back with both of his, fingers intertwined. "I'm sorry, Hide. Really, I-"
"It's not your fault, Kaneki. I'm not blaming you for anything. I just hate myself for not seeing how much you were hurting. I hurt you." Hide turns to him and they make eye contact.
"I did it to myself, Hide. You didn't hurt me. I was hurting because I wanted to tell you how I felt for so long. And when I saw you with other girls…with Mei…I didn't think you'd ever feel the same way," Kaneki says.
Hide's strong touch comforts him like nothing else. He doesn't want to let go.
Hide chuckles bitterly. "It seems we both were thinking the same thing…that our feelings weren't mutual. I shouldn't have been so blind though. Or I guess I was protecting myself in a way…just in case you liked someone else."
Kaneki dives closer, head resting on Hide's shoulder as he pulls his friend against him. His arm embraces him around the waist, his left hand still holding onto Hide's.
"Hide…I couldn't even go on a date with Yuko. I couldn't."
Hide's eyes widen, and his free hand brushes through Kaneki's hair. "You didn't?"
He feels Kaneki shaking his head. "I couldn't stand the thought of my first date being with someone else but you."
"Kaneki…"
Hide pats his friend's head, prompting him to pull back so they are face to face. Kaneki's cheeks burn red, and they are enhanced in the orange glow from the sun slipping through the shades. Hide's breath catches in his throat at the sight of him.
"Technically, you and I have been on several dates, right?" Hide jokes and he beams when Kaneki laughs at that comment.
Hide can't believe how strong Kaneki's feelings are. He doesn't understand.
"I don't deserve your love…"
Kaneki tugs on Hide's shirt over his chest. "You deserve all of it, Hide, more than anyone. I want to be yours… There's no one else. No one."
Hide smiles, his eyes tearing up. His hand clasps over Kaneki's and he rubs his thumb over his soft skin.
Kaneki moves to lower himself on the side of the bed closer to the wall. He coaxes Hide to lay beside him and he follows. The blond rests his head next to Kaneki, their hands intertwined between them.
The noise downstairs goes on and on, muffled by the closed door. The boys gaze at each other, a comfortable silence surrounding them. Kaneki glances down, hesitant to ask.
"So…do you like Mei? I…saw you hugging her once."
"You saw that? Shit…" Hide whispers and Kaneki smiles.
Hide looks at him seriously. "I don't have feelings for her. None whatsoever. She's just a friend."
Hide sighs. "She's been going through some rough times, and she needed help with a school play she's preparing for. I just helped her. I felt bad for her, that's all."
"And that's one of the reasons why I like you. You're considerate," Kaneki says. Hide blushes in embarrassment.
"Nah…it's nothing. But now that I think about it, I should have kept my distance more…"
Hide squeezes Kaneki's hand. "It's over. I'm staying with you. Always."
Kaneki gives a sad smile. "Sorry…I can't help it. I get so lonely when you're not around. I try not to feel that way, but…"
At those words, Hide scoots closer and grabs Kaneki into his arms again. The half-ghoul buries his face into his chest, soaking in his heat. Hide's nose brushes through his black hair. His fingers clutch Kaneki's waist and pulls him in until their bodies touch.
The sunlight disappears bit by bit, making the room darker as the minutes pass. The noise downstairs finally begins to diminish. No one disturbs them. No one knows.
"Please…don't do that again…"
Hide's words float in the air. Kaneki takes them to heart.
"I won't. I promise."
…
Yuuichi is shut away in his room fast asleep, along with the rest of the household by the time Hide and Kaneki exit their sanctuary. The boys continue holding hands while they quietly walk through the hallway. As they make their way down the stairs, they notice the in-laws have left and the aunt has long passed out on the couch.
"What a mess…and I thought teenagers were bad…" Hide mutters, making Kaneki giggle at his comment.
Kaneki feels Hide loosening his grip on his hand and he already dreads seeing Hide getting ready to leave as he finds his shoes at the entrance.
"I'm gonna get rid of this abomination. And maybe punish Nishiki if I ever see him for giving you something so crazy like this," Hide announces, waving the blade between his fingers.
Kaneki nods with a smile and he steps down to where Hide stands near the front door.
Once Hide puts on his shoes, he straightens himself and heads for the door. "Well, I gotta get home or dad's gonna have my head as usual."
Before Hide opens the door, however, he feels Kaneki tugging on the back of his shirt.
"Hide…"
Hide turns around when Kaneki speaks but can't make another move. The half-ghoul has already closed the gap between them, making it so that his body touches the other. Hide feels Kaneki breathing on his face and his friend places a hand behind his neck.
Kaneki doesn't wait. He leans in, lips pressing softly onto Hide's. His body temperature escalates through the roof as their mouths meet. Kaneki blushes deeply, his lips moving shyly against the other. He notices Hide doesn't respond and after lingering for a few more seconds, he pulls away. He looks down, nervous and thinking he shouldn't have done that.
"Sorry…I…"
He gasps when Hide yanks him closer and grabs the back of his head. When he looks up, Hide's brown eyes are intense and full of an emotion that's new to him. But he knows it matches his own. Hide glances at his mouth again and Kaneki moves in like a magnet that won't stay away. He captures Hide's warm lips once more, and this time, Hide takes the upper hand.
Kaneki feels terribly hot as Hide presses his lips harder on his. Kaneki wants more and more. He keeps up with Hide, greedily taking in all he can. He feels Hide's tongue slipping through and caressing the soft flesh of his mouth. Kaneki's arms move to wrap around Hide's neck to pull him in deeper. He slowly opens his mouth and moans in delight when Hide's tongue delves into the moist cavern. Their tongues touch, and Kaneki's breathing grows heavier when he finally tastes Hide. Fully. Completely.
Drool crawls down the side of his lips as Hide grows more aggressive, exploring every depth of Kaneki's mouth. Kaneki gasps when Hide pulls away for a split second and comes right back, tongue reuniting with his insatiable one.
He can hardly stand it. Hide tastes so good. So good.
He feels something stirring in the pit of his stomach, driving him crazy. He can't stop moaning at the insanely delicious taste of his friend. His tongue fights back and moves into Hide's mouth and once he enters, there's no going back. Hide is overwhelmed as their lips meld together with a fierce energy like they've been starved for all their lives. Kaneki tastes sweet to him and he lets him do what he wants as the half-ghoul savors him over and over, tongue roaming and marking its place. Claiming him.
Kaneki doesn't want to pull away, but he knows Hide needs to breathe and he lets him go, their mouths parting with a wet smack. When their eyes connect, Hide's brown eyes are dark, and Kaneki drowns in them with no reservation. Kaneki's grey eyes are hazy, but they emit the sparkle that lets Hide knows he's truly happy.
Hide holds Kaneki's right cheek so tenderly, his thumb running over his friend's reddened, bruised lips. Remnants of saliva cling to his friend's mouth, enticing Hide to lick it away. He's at his mercy, so eternally tied to this half-ghoul.
"I love you, Ken."
He tells him softly.
Kaneki's eyes widen when he hears Hide say his first name. He almost doesn't believe his ears. No one ever calls him by his first name besides his mother. But he finds he adores the way Hide says it immediately, more than the way his mother did. He wants to hear him say it again.
He smiles so wide and he shakes his head slowly.
"I love you more. So much more."
His heart speaks the definitive truth.
Hide responds by taking his lips again. Kaneki's open mouth savors Hide's luscious flavor once more as his lips collide hard with the other repeatedly. Their lips brush and mix together in a hot mess, exciting Kaneki so much and increasing his craving. He needs him.
When Hide withdraws, he's panting as he grins. "God, you're making it so hard to leave."
"Then don't. Stay. Stay with me all night," Kaneki whispers against Hide's full lips.
"Fuck…" Hide mutters as he seductively licks Kaneki's tempting mouth. Kaneki hums in pleasure at the action.
Hide's right hand grabs hold of Kaneki's neck, like he's choking him. Kaneki's eyes gaze at him with the heated emotion, urging him to go on.
"Almost ten years and this is what I've been missing with you, Ken?" Hide states with a smirk.
Kaneki smiles and licks his lips, still tasting Hide. "Have you been kissing someone before me?" he asks in return.
Hide's smirk widens, and his fingers move to grasp behind Kaneki's neck. "Only you, Ken. Just you."
Kaneki relishes every time Hide says his name. "Me too. Only you."
Hide releases his neck and grabs Kaneki, his arms wrapped strong and secure around his lover. Keeping him within his grasp, his nose buries into the crook between his neck and shoulder. Lips wander and graze against his collarbone. His body heat burns Kaneki up more and he takes it all in.
Kaneki clings to him hard. He feels so full. It's almost as if he had never hurt himself. The cuts on his arm don't cause him pain whatsoever. Hide is so warm, and Kaneki can't get enough. He could never get enough. He melts in his lover's arms. Every time.
What he feels for him. What he would do for him. Kaneki is convinced this isn't wrong. It's what he truly wants.
If what he wants is considered wrong, then so be it. Nothing could keep him away from Hide.
Not even death.