Chapter 19

P O V: Christopher Herrman

"Uncle Herrman, can I ask you something?" Brent asked me as we were on our way down to X-ray for some scans. "Of Course you can buddy what's on your mind?" "Heaven." My blood stopped cold heaven why would a six year old want to know about heaven? How was I suppose to answer his question? This should be his parents place not mine. I'm just the cool uncle who buys things makes them laugh and hypes them up on sugar before sending them back to their parents.

"What is it about heaven that you want to know buddy?"

"Is there a special place in heaven for kids who die?" Okay now I understand what it means when they say your heart skips a beat. He looked so normal so child like but no child should be wondering about death. Be honest with him that's what Gabby and Matt have always told me they don't lie to him or sugar coat it this is his illness and he needs the facts. If he can't trust you he won't be able to trust doctors, medicine or anything that is needed to save his life.

"Yes I believe so Brent, why do you ask?"

"Because I heard the nurses talking Bobby Valentine isn't going to make it, Bobby's been one of my best-est of friends here on 13NW, I can't ask mommy or daddy their so worried about Aunt Sylvie. I just wondered when I die will I see Capri and Bobby or will I be stuck with all old people? I don't want to be the only young one there, that doesn't seem fair."

Fair? None of this is fair! Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, their not suppose to be stuck in the hospitals for months in pain, confused, scared. No their suppose to be running free on playgrounds competing against their friends to see who can spit farther, fart louder throw better free throws. Their suppose to be in classrooms learning useless information to put unnecessary pressures on themselves to pass some cockamamie test that will be meaningless in their real world lives.

What struck me though was Brent wasn't complaining about any of that he never did, he always handled his illness with maturity beyond his young years, he was simply stating a fact heaven belonged to older people. Because they've lived full meaningful lives down here on earth they worked hard their whole lives to make ends meat, provide for their families. They got to accomplish their dreams, have achievements, families, memories, kids when they die well they don't take away achievements, they take away the hope that their parents had for them for their lives, they leave us with missed opportunities, lost hope, confusion and the endless questions of what if? Why? What could I of done?

"No buddy it isn't fair," My middle child Max pipped up "I bet heaven has their own baseball fields, wouldn't it be so cool to chase balls on beds of clouds? Brent's whole face lite up "Heck yeah man! We could have our own army of cloud ballers!"

"Daddy I want to go to heaven to!" The thought of my son wishing he could die made my whole body feel weak, my stomach nauseated. They are too young for this stuff, they have no idea what it really means to die, to be gone forever.

""I think heaven's different for everyone," My oldest Henry Lee spoke up catching my attention. "What do you mean son?" "I think we all have these images of what heaven is like based on what we see in movies, or read about, honestly I don't believe heaven is really like that."

"What do you see it as?" I was curious as to what my son thinks about he's so wrapped up in his damn games all the time he rarely graces us with his presence.

"I believe it is tailored to each person's loves, like when I go to heaven it's gonna be one big ol' video game convention." The boys giggled their eyes going wide. Cashel pumped up his fist "When I get to heaven man it's going to be a big pirate ship! I'll wrangle up all my shipmates and will sail the sea of clouds together searching for treasures, candy loads of candy man!"

The conversation continued between Max, Lee, Cashel and my youngest Kenny who wants heaven to be a big bouncy ball pit til Brent went into his scans. I could see the shift in his eyes as the other kids kept talking about heaven as some kind of alternated reality, he was heading into his reality a world of needles, pain, sickness, tests, isolation and fear.

When we were on our way back my vision was distracted away from the boys to the sight of Shay being lead towards the PICU by a guy I had never seen before. I saw the look in her eyes fear, she was looking around trying to get someone to see her. The man was pushing a stretcher in which a young boy lay on. My breath caught when I saw who the kid was. Why was Shay with this man? Who is this man? Why is she so scared?

They approached an elevator I saw him shove her a little, "Lee take the boys back to Brent's room, I need to talk to auntie Shay for a bit," "Okay dad. Give Aunt Sylvie my love"

"Shay wait up,"

I started to jog towards her his eyes looked towards the kids what was that glint I saw in them? Suddenly Shay kicked her right foot back landing straight into his balls "Help!" fear filled me as the staff turned towards them "Stupid bitch I warned you," the knife sliced across her throat before any of us could reach her. She shifted her body's weight throwing herself towards the ground so the knife got her by inches. My blood ran cold as Cashel screamed out for his mom, the guy laughed rushing towards the steps as full panic rung out on the floor. Someone called out to call codes.

Shay collapsed in my arms gasping for air as blood poured out of her throat. My hands gripped at her tender skin which was growing paler as each breath was staggered. "Help me somebody please help me!"

Hands grabbed her from me as orders were yelled out Dr. Bekker and Dr. Rhodes pushed me away as she gasped out to me "Tell Gabby, Cash I love them, I am sorry."

She was gone seconds later leaving me with blood stained hands endless questions and fear so much fear.

"Code pink! Code Pink! Code Sliver Code Sliver, code crisom!" Echoed over the loudspeakers as staff came racing out of their stations, offices, while my knees gave out, my back hit the wall hard. I didn't feel the pain not the physical kind all I felt was the blood on my hands, the depth of fear in Shay's eyes which stared through me leaving me cold, empty and hopeless.