Jon returned to his rooms to find Aurelia sitting by the fire. She did not lift her gaze until Jon sat in the chair beside her; Ghost nestled onto the floor between them.
"I do not know what I am doing," he said, defeated.
"Protecting the realm," she said with such certainty it made him even more unsure of his own worth.
"He offered me Winterfell. He offered me home. A title. A wife. I turned it all away, twice. And now I am Lord Commander." He sighed. "I didn't want this, but I cannot betray my duty."
She nodded. He reached over to her, running his fingers along her smooth hand. How her hands retained such soft skin with all her training and fights he never knew, other than her speed which rarely led to damage of her hands or arms. "And I could not return to Winterfell. Could never return there without you by my side."
Aurelia continued gazing into the fire. "I know," she whispered.
He thought he saw tears glistening in her eyes, but when she looked at him a moment later her eyes were clear.
"I'm proud of you, Jon. You've chosen to lead where you are most needed. Your choices will be difficult, seeming impossible at times I should imagine, but I have faith you will uphold your duty to protect the realm."
She rose and moved to the fire as he stared at her, puzzled.
"You speak as though you will not be here to witness it."
"I cannot be," she stated. He rose and moved to her side as she continued. "Stannis will be leaving soon to try and gain support from the northmen. He'll follow your advice to win them, but he knows they need more. If I go and attend them on his behalf, he has more of a chance."
"You don't even believe he should be king," Jon remarked, aghast at her proclamation of leaving. "You've said it specifically."
"Only to you," she cut in. She bowed her head. "I have, and I mean it. I don't know that anyone needs or deserves that damn throne. But what else am I to do, Jon? Stay here?" The pain in her voice made him flinch. "Await his queen's arrival and put her in a fouler mood than she already is? Attend the red witch as she crafts her own schemes?" She shook her head. "No. I do this, and I can free myself from Stannis. Either the North will support him and he can get on without me, or they won't and I find another path to take. I cannot simply abandon him now, but my part in his bid for this kingdom will end soon."
"You think so?" Jon asked. She looked up at him, then away again as jealousy flared in his eyes. "He wants you. If you encouraged him he would take the first opportunity to find a reason for having two queens… or less."
"Two queens?"
"The Targaryens did at times."
She shook her head. "I'm not sure Stannis would want himself aligned with them… and what makes you think he wants me?"
Jon eyed her. "You are a highborn, landed, and rather rich woman. You are young and beautiful, honest and brave. You don't pander to him, but you respect him. He desires you, and would not take you to bed without wedding you, I don't believe. And you are not promised to another."
"Even if you're right in your assumptions, I would have to accept him first," she said. She tilted her head up to look him in the eyes. "That is something I will never do."
Jon swallowed, his emotions heightening. "You could…" he trailed off.
"No, Jon, I could not." Tears brimmed in her eyes but she blinked them away. "I will not ask you to break your oath. I would not ever ask of you anything which would betray your honour. Not for something as trivial as my own desires." She sighed, turning from him. Ghost raised his head, a small whimper escaping from him.
"I should go," Aurelia said. "Perhaps I shall find Melisandre and inquire if there is a cure for my foolishness."
Jon dedicated his life to the Watch. He knew from the moment Aurelia was promised to his half-brother that he would isolate himself from their lives in as honourable a way as he could. If he could not be with her, he would not be with any woman. Then Ygritte. Robb's death. Winterfell burnt and gone. He wanted her still, but could not bring himself to betray the oath.
It took her two steps to change his mind.
Jon reached out, grabbing her arm and turning her back to him. "You told Stannis once that you never knew me to be craven. That was a lie." He pulled her closer. "I've been a foolish coward with you because of duty, and my own stubbornness. We may not be able to have the lives we desire. Perhaps we don't deserve them or perhaps our own happiness should never matter above our honour."
He brushed a lock of hair from her face, then wiped a tear from her cheek as she stared into his eyes. "But I will see myself tried as a traitor again before I let you leave me without speaking the truth."
"Jon-" She whispered before he cut her off.
"I love you, Aurelia. Only you. Now and always. And you can leave this room now with those words, or we can for one night live as we desire. For this night I am yours. Tonight," he said as he closed the distance between them, cupping her face in his hands. "For all the nights that can never be, I would do what I always feared." She stood motionless, silent. He knew she would not ask him to break his oath for her, but the desire in her eyes offered no resistance.
He leaned his head down, resting his forehead against hers as he whispered, "I should have fought for you. Whatever the punishment, I should have done this the night you were promised to another."
He captured her lips with his, caressing her neck as her body leaned into his. She slid her hands around his shoulders, pulling herself into him. He moved a hand to her hip, running his thumb along its slope. When their tongues met, every nerve in his body tingled with delight and passion. Aurelia almost leapt into his arms. Jon hoisted her off the floor and she wrapped her legs around his waist.
Running her hands through his hair as they continued kissing, he carried her to his bed. After he sat on the edge, her legs still wrapped around him, he moved his lips down her neck, kissing and nibbling his way across her collarbone. When a soft moan escaped her lips, Ghost rose and silently slipped downstairs.
Aurelia lay entangled in Jon's arms. He absentmindedly stroked the arm she had draped across his chest as she ran her fingers through his unruly black locks. Sleep had willfully not come for either of them, though Aurelia saw Jon's tired eyes fighting the desire for rest. Yet he also looked blissfully happy, an expression she never saw on his face. The reality of their situation stuck her at last, and tears began to well in her eyes. Jon looked at her and his smiled faded. As she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to will the tears away, he kissed her eyelids, her cheeks, her lips.
When he pulled away from her, he whispered, "Shhhh, my love. There is time still."
"Not enough," she said, eyes still closed as she tried to control her emotions. When she opened her eyes to look at him, the concern on his face forced her to gather herself. She smiled, "but better than we have ever had."
"Indeed," he smirked.
Aurelia kissed his shoulder, sighing. "For all the nights that can never be…"
"Have I missed something?" Jon enquired playfully.
Smiling as she rested her chin against his shoulder, she replied, "No."
I only wish there could be a lifetime more of these nights, she wanted to say. As she tilted her head back and looked into Jon's eyes, she saw her own feelings reflected. She kissed him again with the force of her passion, and he returned it in kind. When they separated, she rose from the bed, wrapping one of the wool blankets around her shoulders.
"Once I leave with Stannis," she began.
"No," Jon interrupted, throwing aside the blankets and furs, and leaping to her side. He pulled her into his arms, holding her tight. "Once you leave this room, we again are merely lifelong friends. Nothing more. Until that moment," he continued, turning her to face him. "We are what we should be. No hiding."
Aurelia shrugged the blanket down below her breasts, then opened it, encircling Jon at the waist. As their bodies pressed together, Jon leaned his head down and kissed her.
"Say it," Aurelia whispered when they broke.
"My love," Jon replied. "My life. My happiness. Now and always."
"Now and always," she nodded.