"There's gotta be somethin' you want for yourself," Sam said with mild exasperation. "I mean, haven't you ever wanted more than to tear ass down the highway and chase monsters?"
Oh, there were lots of things Dean wanted for himself. More than a couple bucks in his pocket, a place he could call home, their mom back. The thing he wanted most, though?
"I don't want you to leave the second this is over."
He walked over to the dresser, waiting for Sam to reassure him he wasn't going to walk away once they got done with Meg and her little shadow puppet and having the sinking feeling he was gonna be let down. Like always.
"Dude, what's your problem?"
Dean tried to gather his thoughts into some order. Their family wasn't big on heart-to-hearts after all. Feelings were things locked up in boxes with wards and charms drawn on them that were stored in storage sheds with even more layers of protective spells and wards.
"Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh?" He turned towards him. "I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?"
Sam seemed thrown by the question.
"'Cause Dad was in trouble. And 'cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom."
Dean wondered if his brother was that dense.
"It's about more than that, man." He paced back and forth in front of the dresser. "It's about you and me." He paused. "And Dad," he finally said. "It's about wanting…." He swallowed back the fear and anxiety, ignored the little voice in his head warning him this conversation wasn't going to end well and shoved aside everything telling him to button his pie hole.
"Wanting what, Dean? What is it you want?"
"I want us all together again, Sam. I want us to be a family again," he clarified when he caught a glimpse of the confused look on Sam's face in the mirror. "That's why I came and got you at school. 'Cause I knew dad wouldn't, no matter how much he wanted to."
It was his deepest, darkest, and most shameful secret. Having them back together as a family was the one dream he allowed himself to have. It was the one damn thing he didn't feel guilty about wanting. It was also the only need he had beyond sex, pie, and air. His dad and Sammy were what got him out of bed every morning. They kept him fightin' even when the odds of winning were firmly stacked against him. They were the reason he didn't give up, cash it all in and walk away. Family didn't quit family, no matter how much they wanted too.
"Dean, we are a family." Sam gave him that sad-eyed look that always sliced him into a billion pieces. "And I would do anything for you. And for dad. But." God, Dean hated that word. Nothing ever good came when someone sad but. "Things are just never gonna be the way they were before."
It wasn't what he hoped to hear.
"It could be." He somehow kept the hurt from showing, but he couldn't quite manage to mask the sadness. "It could be, Sammy."
"I don't want things like they were before," came Sam's equally soft reply. "I'm not gonna live this life forever. I don't want to be a hunter for the rest of my life."
"Yeah, I know th..."
"Dean, when this is all over, you're gonna have to let me go my own way."
Let me go my own way, Sammy said. Dean translated that as he needed to let him go. And he couldn't do that. No more than he could stop breathing. Because who was he if he wasn't Sammy's big brother? Who was he if he wasn't watching out for him? Making sure he was safe? Dean Winchester had no identity of his own. He was always called John's boy, that Winchester fella, Sammy's big brother. If Sam walked away, returned to his other life, he would be alone.
And he was so damn tired of being alone.
Dean looked at Sam once more, tempted to tell him that, but he turned and walked into the bathroom instead.
A/N: Hello, all! Hope the week has been good to all of you!
This is tagged to 1x16, Shadow.