a/n1: Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates! This is a Christmas special, because I felt like writing something for Christmas for this story. I have to warn you, this isn't very fluffy. It is quite angsty actually. Read with care! My lovely reynardinepttr took some time out of her own Christmas preparations to beta this, thanks for that!
Enjoy!
21st December 1997 21:14
Pansy worried her lip between her teeth - Draco and Theo should have been back an hour ago! She was sitting in front of the big fireplace in the common room, together with Blaise and the sister of a sixth year. The Death Eater students got the 'privilege' to use the common room floo to go to the revels.
"Pans, you're hurting me," Blaise said calmly, but he didn't let go of her hand. "They'll be back. They're both too precious as leverage to be killed."
"You really know how to cheer a girl up," Pansy grumbled, but she loosened her grip somewhat. "Sorry."
Blaise only shook his head and looked back down at his book. Even though he was turning pages periodically Pansy was certain that he hadn't read a word for over an hour.
Pansy tried to steer her thoughts away from her worry about the boys. She tried to think about anything else. But her mind always ended on one thought that she didn't even want to acknowledge: if the Dark Lord didn't exist, she wouldn't have to worry about her friends.
The Dark Lord wanted to cleanse their world of all those mudbloods who didn't even try to conform to their traditions and rules. He wanted to eliminate the danger they posed. It was a good and noble goal, but he seemed to have an awful aversion to actually using that damn brain of his to reach said goal.
Pansy thought she wasn't questioning the Dark Lord per se, because that could get you flogged even as a pureblood Slytherin; she was just questioning his methods. Which really weren't goal oriented at all. Sure, they banned mudbloods from Hogwarts, but that didn't stop them from having magic, did it? Pansy remembered something she had read for Care of Magical Creatures. That sometimes young wizards and witches tried to suppress their magic and that it turned them into a creature called an obscurus. What if that happened? They were said to be quite violent and vicious. Then wizardkind would be found for sure! And that meant torches and pitchforks at best…
"Pansy," Blaise's voice pulled her out of her thoughts just as the flames turned green and Theo stumbled out with the sixth year slung over his shoulder.
"Get Daphne, now!" he whisper-yelled, his voice rough.
Pansy immediately ran into the girls' dorms and got Daphne, who was best at healing charms and by now had a kit in her handbag that rivalled any healer's kit.
When they returned Draco still hadn't returned and Pansy was starting to panic. She offered to go to the kitchen and get broth and a light dinner for Theo since they had been called in the early afternoon.
"Don't get anything for Draco," Theo called after her. "He'll stay till the end of the holidays."
Pansy nodded curtly and left for the kitchens. But before she arrived there she had to go into an abandoned classroom and sit down on the dusty floor. Her heart was racing, and her hands shaking. She was gulping in huge breaths and still feeling like she couldn't get any oxygen. Her thoughts were tumbling wildly through her mind. Why was Draco staying? He hated the Manor now! Why did Theo sound like he went through multiple rounds of the Cruciatus? What happened to the sixth year? Why? Why? Why!
Pansy was so out of it that she didn't notice someone slipping into the classroom until they were kneeling in front of her.
"Parkinson, get it together," a sharp voice commanded. "You'll get yourself caught by the Carrows!"
Pansy looked up into the hard face of Susan Bones and nearly groaned. Of all the people…
"Good, I was afraid you'd gone insane," the other girl stated drily. "Whatever you're doing here, get out of Hufflepuff territory."
"I just wanted to go to the kitchens," Pansy found herself whispering. "They tortured him…"
Bones looked back at her sharply. "Why would you think I care what happens to you damn snakes? You got my family killed."
Pansy got angry so fast it surprised even her. "I did not. I'm seventeen, Bones! I was one year old when they got killed! I know you don't fucking care, otherwise we wouldn't have to fight on two fronts in this bloody war!" She glared at the Hufflepuff. Fair and kind…as if. "Now get out of my way, or I'll hex you into next year."
Bones only scoffed. "As if you could."
Pansy didn't even care anymore that she was antagonising the girl further but shot off a 'Strangulare' and 'Expelliarmus' before Bones could so much as move. Pansy caught the wand and put it down on the teacher's desk. She watched coldly as Bones was clawing at her neck.
"Please consider judging me only for my own actions, and not for actions of people who you think might be connected to me in some way."
Stalking out of the room she cancelled the spell with a flick of her wand and locked the door with a rather illegal locking spell.
Arriving in the kitchen Pansy had calmed down somewhat, but she was still fuming quietly. The house elves hurried to comply and offered her a tea while she waited, which she declined. Within ten minutes she was leaving the kitchen again, one bowl with broth and one with stew floating in front of her.
When she walked past the classroom the door was ajar, and Pansy was satisfied that Bones was at least not too stupid to break the locking spell.
Before Pansy re-entered the common room she took a deep, fortifying breath. It wouldn't do to seem in anyway agitated. Pansy quietly said the password, 'Reinheit', and stepped into the cavernous space that made up the common room.
The lake outside the floor length windows was calm and dark, no living being moving out there. Pansy liked watching the lake, especially late at night when the low common room lights didn't scare away the inhabitants. The merpeople weren't interested in humans, but the fish and sometimes tiny squids swam past.
Pansy stepped up to the big fireplace on the left side of the room, lowering the two bowls on the table. The sixth year was sitting, aided by his younger sister and nodded gratefully at her as he slowly started to eat the broth.
Theo motioned for her to sit down on his left side, the right already occupied by Blaise. Daphne was sitting on the table in front of him, moving her wand up and down his right leg.
"What happened, Theo?" Pansy whispered when she took in the amount of blood on his and the sixth years' clothes.
"The Dark Lord was very much displeased that we didn't like torturing a classmate," Theo hissed around clenched teeth. "They've snatched Lovegood, Morgana knows why, and Lyall didn't want to hurt her too badly. I tried to keep them from killing him. Father was disappointed."
Pansy pulled in a sharp breath. "What did Draco do?"
Theo laughed harshly. It sounded more like stones grating against metal and Pansy shivered. "Draco asked for Lovegood as his present for becoming a Death Eater. You should have seen the looks Dolohov sent him."
"Is that why he stayed? To protect Lovegood?" Blaise asked quietly, his usual aloof tone replaced by a harsh whisper. "Has he gone mental? They'll kill him before the end of Yule!"
"They can't hurt him too openly," Theo grinned, showing too many teeth and a manic glint in his eyes. "The Dark Lord is very pleased with dear Draco and has ordered us to leave him alone. After all Lovegood is a halfblood from an old line."
"What do they think he'll be doing with her?" Daphne asked, putting her wand away and giving Theo a few vials from her bag. It looked like a pain relieving potion, a calming draught and a Cruciatus counter.
"What do you think?" Theo asked, a new edge to his voice. "Imagine the worst and triple it."
Pansy swallowed heavily. "But he won't do it, right?"
Theo scoffed before swallowing the three potions in quick succession. "You know him, he's all talk. He'd never actually hurt Looney. I mean come on, he saved her."
"Don't call her that," Daphne said quietly. "She doesn't deserve it."
Theo seemed to deflate. "You're right, sorry," he said, grabbing for the bowl with stew. "This time was pretty intense. Thanks, Daph."
Daphne nodded and packed up her kit wordlessly. Ever since the start of term she hadn't talked much and Pansy knew for a fact that Daphne went to check in on Tracey at least once per night, whether the other girl had been hurt that day or not.
"Will you join us for the celebration in an hour?" Blaise asked Theo quietly when he put down the bowl.
"Sure," Theo nodded. "I wouldn't miss it. If only because you'll mangle the Old English so badly that you'll probably conjure a demon by accident if I'm not there."
A quick smile flitted over Blaise's face. "You're our saviour then."
"If you say so," Theo shrugged, his face an impassive mask.
"Really, we would prefer good luck for the new year over conjuring a demon," Pansy said mock-seriously. "Demons are always so demanding."
Pansy was dead tired by the time midnight finally rolled around. Mostly because she'd had the wonderful task of cleaning and setting up the location. Which was in the lowest level of the dungeons and only used once a year for the Yule ritual. Pansy didn't think that even the Hufflepuffs, who shared the dungeons with them, knew the room.
A few select Ravenclaws were invited every year, but no Hufflepuff or Gryffindor. Because the Yule ritual was forbidden.
It was old magic, blood bound and primal. If you weren't one-hundred percent comfortable with the ritual it could take your magic and your life.
Pansy shook her head vehemently. Theo was very good at the Old Magic. He wouldn't have offered to take over this year if he wasn't confident that he could do it.
Checking the altar and the athame on it, Pansy nodded to herself. She would never have the confidence these rituals demanded, but she knew how to prepare them properly.
Theo strolled in about five minutes after she had rearranged the things on the altar again. Pansy noted that his bored-and-arrogant mask was still firmly in place and wondered just what Nott Sr. had done to his son this time.
"Everything ready?" Theo asked quietly, hesitant voice at odds with his face.
"Yes, I think I cleaned the floor three times," Pansy said with a small smile. "There shouldn't be any magical residue left."
Theo nodded and sent her what passed as a smile for Theodore Nott and the twitch of a corner of his lip for anybody else.
The other upper year Slytherins and two Ravenclaws trickled in over the next fifteen minutes and once everyone was there, Theo started the Yule ritual.
Pansy watched as he carefully lit the wood in the fire basin behind the altar. As soon as the first log caught on fire Theo started chanting in Old English. And while Pansy didn't understand a word she felt the magic beneath her skin hum in response.
All the hardships of the year, all the fear, the pain and the apathy falling off her mind, Pansy's lips started to curve into a smile as she raised her hands to meet those of her neighbours. Daphne on her left side seemed to be crying soundlessly, but smiled at the same time. Blaise had one of his rare true smiles dancing on his lips and in the corners of his eyes.
When Pansy's hands stopped inches from theirs she felt her magic starting to seep out of her palms, mingling with Daphne's and Blaise's.
Theo was still chanting, tracing runes on the floor with his wand and levitating a candle to every attendant. Pansy was impressed by the concentration he was displaying and admired Theo's strength. The circle was positively glowing by now and Pansy thought she had never seen a sight more beautiful.
The colour of magic had resisted more than once any and all description, as scholars tried to find the right words, even the right language to express its beauty.
Even knowing that, Pansy was surprised again. She conceded that it must be hard to describe a colour that was mostly experienced through magic and not through the eyes. Because while Pansy felt the magic she could only see the blazing light it emitted in the closed circle.
Theo started walking around the circle, speaking blessings for everyone and if he lingered a bit longer with Pansy and Blaise, added a sentence and an archaic rune, nobody would mention it.
With a last turn around the circle Theo led the fifth year closest to the altar over to the bowl, showing her how to nick her fingertip and let a droplet of blood fall into the small bowl. With a whisper from Theo the blood shimmered and the wound on the girl's finger closed.
This part of the ritual was the reason why they had to hide so deep under the castle to perform it. Blood magic was so very forbidden, that they could not chance to be even seen by one of the more rule abiding students, not to speak of the teachers.
When Dumbledore had still been alive only the sixth and seventh year Slytherins had been invited at all. But now that the old coot was gone they had opened the circle for the fifth years and interested Ravenclaws.
Theo, Blaise and Daphne had argued about that decision fiercely. They had only shut up when Pansy had pointed out that the current headmaster was a Slytherin himself, who would have taken part in the ritual in his own sixth and seventh year.
When it was Pansy's turn to drop blood into the little bowl she didn't hesitate and focussed on her wishes for the new year. She wished for peace, in whichever way it'd come. She wished for her friends to stop hurting. She wished for safety.
Theo whispered the closing formula to finish the spell on her and Pansy felt the magical rush as the spell settled into her. Her smile for Theo was so much more radiant than normal that she probably looked half demented, but Pansy couldn't bring herself to care.
She stepped back to the others and watched Daphne and Tracey whispering happily in one corner of the room. Pansy joined Millicent on the bench at the back of the room.
"Blessed Yule," Millicent said quietly when Pansy settled down next to her.
"Blessed solstice," Pansy answered with a small smile. She was not friends with Millicent, who preferred to hang out with Crabbe and Goyle when Malfoy wasn't around, but they had been sharing a dormitory for nearly seven years now.
Soon Theo finished the ritual, the last words, "Eádeg Iúla!" repeated by everyone as Theo emptied the bowl with the blood into the fire.
The second rush of magic they received from that was much bigger and Pansy was very glad that she was sitting. She saw a few younger students sway a bit, trying to regain their balance.
Once the ritual itself was finished Daphne gave the house elves the signal to send up the feast they had prepared. It had many dishes that a normal Hogwarts feast would never present. Because tonight they'd be traditional.
Pansy grinned when she spotted hummus and pita, grabbing a plate and spooning a generous heap on it. The first taste was incredible, the house elves had managed to recreate her grandmother's recipe perfectly and Pansy felt all of three years old again. Another look around assured her that everyone was happily munching away.
Blaise was daintily eating small pieces of bread with olives and couscous, while Theo was tearing into his meatballs (What was the name again? K-something?) and Tracey was carefully ripping her Knödel open.
A sixth year girl of Asian descent was happily munching on something that looked like chicory, if Pansy wasn't mistaken. A boy from the same year was wildly gesturing with a stuffed wrap.
Pansy felt herself relax. This was how traditions and descent should be honoured. Together. Everybody as equals. She knew for a fact that she was going to have to fight Daphne for the hummus if she wanted another helping, because everybody was free to try other food. Pansy was wondering whether she would dare to try the chicory because while it smelled rather questionable it looked tasty enough for her to get curious.
Daphne came to stand next to her. "Is the hummus as good as last year?"
Pansy swallowed before answering. "I swear it's even better. How's your Shepherd's Pie?"
"Just like grandpa always made it," Daphne answered with a small, happy smile. "It's like I'm ten again."
"I'm glad this worked so well," Pansy said, hunting for the last bits of hummus on her plate. "I think I'm going to try the chicory next."
Daphne laughed quietly. "I had some when I was in Shanghai a few years ago, it tastes better than it smells, promise."
"I'll hold you to that," Pansy said, already making her way over to where the Chinese dish was. She struck up a friendly conversation with the girl and was positively surprised at the taste. Daphne was right, it tasted better than it smelled. When Pansy mentioned it, the girl laughed.
"Grandma always complains that British food stinks, I think you just have to be used to it," she answered with a wink and Pansy had to agree.
She continued down the table, trying new food and talking to the other Slytherins. This was an important chance to network and learn about other customs. It wouldn't do to seem ignorant, should she ever visit one of the many countries that were represented here.
Pansy thought it was rather fascinating how many there were. Even people like Theo, whose entire family has been living in England for centuries, still felt connected to their ancestors' country of origin.
Pansy had been to Syria a few times, to visit her family's old home, marvelling at the beauty of the mosaics and the gardens. She hadn't anticipated their splendour, knowing that Syria was mostly desert land.
Her great-aunt had taught her how to wrap a hijab and had taken her to the Friday prayer once. Pansy hadn't understood a word, but the sound of the language had motivated her to try and learn Syrian Arabic. But once she had started at Hogwarts she hadn't had time to continue her studies and by now she barely knew enough to understand her grandma.
Her grandma who had fled the second rise of Voldemort in the same summer. Her grandma who had returned to Syria. Pansy missed her and wished she could have sent Violet to go with her.
But as much as Pansy wanted to protect her little sister she knew that it wasn't in her power.
"You're looking glum, have some pizza bread with olives," Blaise basically shoved the thin slice with half an olive at her and Pansy took it before it could fall.
The bread reminded her a bit of pita with tomato sauce and the sharp tang of the olive rounded it nicely. "Thank you, Blaise."
"What were you thinking about?" Blaise asked quietly, helping himself to some pita and couscous. A combination Pansy would never understand but that he seemed to like. Strange guy.
"I was thinking about grandma and Violet," Pansy said quietly, snatching a German chocolate praline from the table.
"Your little sister? What about her?" Blaise asked, surprise colouring his voice.
"I wish I could protect her from all this," Pansy replied, trying not to sound too depressed. "It's her first year! She should be able to concentrate on school and not learn how to fake being under the Cruciatus." Pansy was incredibly proud that her voice only broke on the last word.
Blaise put his hand on her shoulder. "Maybe you can convince your parents to send her to Beauxbatons for the rest of the year?"
Pansy shook her head, clenching her eyes shut. "I wrote Father in the first week, he said Beauxbatons won't accept transfers in the middle of the year."
"Merda," Blaise whispered, wrapping his arms around her in a hug.
Pansy buried her face in his shoulder. "I'm not going to sleep with you Zabini."
"Likewise, bella," Blaise answered with a soft chuckle. "I like you too much."
Pansy snorted but didn't answer. She finally stepped out of the embrace and gently blew her nose, glad that she had remembered to take a tissue with her.
They turned back to the others and a fifth year girl asked Pansy about the hummus. The rest of the night went off without a hitch, most of the food eaten and the rest sent back to the kitchens with compliments to the cooks.
It was closing in on three in the morning when Pansy finally crawled under her covers. She pulled out the shawl her grandma had gifted her before leaving England and buried her nose in it. It barely smelled of her anymore, but the soft fabric felt so much like her jida that Pansy could barely stifle the sob rising in her throat.
That night Pansy wished for the first time that there was no blood prejudice. She wished that all magical people could live as equals the way they had celebrated their ancestors equally this night.
Pansy would make mistakes. It would take her months to realise that her wish might come true, but only if she worked for it.
One fateful night she would know fear, fear for her life, for the life of her sister and her friends. And she would make her worst mistake.
Nevertheless that isn't the end of her wish for equality. One fall, one mistake doesn't define you.
a/n2: I hope you liked this little interlude. I certainly enjoyed writing it! Next chapter will be the family dinner at the Burrow. I look forward to your amazing reviews! Enjoy the holidays :)