Regret
Part 2: Ace of The Rebellion
I've had time to think. A lot of things have happened since I met Lelouch. From the moment our eyes met, I knew he'd be a pain in my ass, and I was right. What couldn't be seen was how much I'd come to love him. He was always there when I needed him and even when I thought I didn't. Even when losing his memory, he came back to me. But here I am about to be executed by his orders. I heard that love can kill but I never thought it meant this.
I glance around at my fellow comrades, seeing the look of defeat in them. We started this rebellion to bring equality and now we have lost. We await our fate. Staring at the ceiling I can't help but hope. Hope that Lelouch isn't who we think he is, at least what I think he is now. Before he was a hurt boy seeking vengeance for the pain inflicted on him and his sister. But now, he is a man lost in the power of his position. A man who wants to erase his past starting with us.
It's funny. I thought he loved me. When he saved me from almost sacrificing myself for him. When he saved my life. When he was Zero and guided me home safely each night. A tear flows down my cheek. Tucking my knees to my chest I cry. I loved him. Why could he never see that, or did he never care. Was I really just a pawn to him.
That last evening in my cell was the most alone I had ever felt. When morning arrived, guards came in dragging us from our cells. A few tried to fight back but were beaten to the ground. But not me. My fight was over. I followed like a lamb being led to slaughter. The suns rays blinded me. It had been a long time since I'd seen it. Tied to our carrier we were led to our executioner. Lelouch.
Hours pass as we are paraded down the streets in shame. Lelouch hasn't looked our way since it started. Each minute the hope I have diminishes. Suddenly theirs an uproar. We turn to see Zero standing in front of the caravan.
That's impossible, Lelouch's face is filled with horror.
Zero launches himself toward Lelouch. His guards are no match for the new Zero. His moves are swift and precise dodging the attacks with ease. Landing in front of Lelouch he knocks his gun out of his hand.
It was in these next few moments, that all the dreams I hoped for died. Lelouch was stabbed. The man who was my enemy. The man I loved was killed before my eyes. The masked Zero stepped aside letting Lelouch fall to the ground.
"Lelouch" I scream my voice is drowned out in the screams of the crowd. I pull against the bonds holding me. He looks at me one last time. Our eyes meet and I'm frozen. His purple eyes stare deep into me. "I love you" he mouths out. Trying to smile he turns and I see the life leave him. A tear falls down my face then another and before I know it, I'm sobbing. "Lelouch!"
The air tastes dry and I feel as if my life is being drained. In one last attempt I pull against the bands holding me back. My arm is cut from trying to pull against my restraints. "Lelouch!"
For a moment I turn to look at Zero. I focus all my rage on him cursing him for killing Lelouch. Hate consumes me. Before I swear vengeance I notice Zero shaking as if he didn't want to kill Lelouch. Suzaku I think. That can't be. I saw your Nightmare blow up myself.
An army charges from a tall building and release us. The crowd cheers and even the Black Knights are relieved. I'm the only one who is mortified. The only one morning the death of the mad king. Lelouch. He's dead. I know I can't go to his body.
Nunally is crying over her brother screaming. Cornelia pulls her away and she pulls viciously to return to her brother. I walk away.
The news cameras show up and each person shouts over each other to try and get answers. I ignore them until I see Madame President. She sees me too. Her blue eyes are full of sorrow. She knew him more than I did. I wonder how it would feel being in her position. She holds a microphone but doesn't ask questions. Tears are falling down her face.
"Kallen" a voice says behind me. I turn around and see Zero. His helmet prevents me from seeing his face.
The reporters push past me to talk to Zero. I stand my ground as I feel everyone pushing past me. When they stop I breathe in relief but I look up at Zero in disgust. How dare you take Zero's name? That name only belongs to Lelouch. My eyes are full of Hatred and I ball my hand into a fist. I can't make a scene here or I could be seen as a traitor.
"Citizens of Brutania." Zero says his cape blows in the wind.
"Lelouch has been brought to justice. I assure you, me and the Black Knights will never allow something like this to happen again. Many lives were lost at his hand but now that he is gone we can remake the world into a better place." He stares directly at me and walks away. I follow.
We walk into the building where Cornelia and her forces had hid. The black knights protect the doors and we go to the top floor. Making sure we weren't followed I here Zero sigh. Then he places both hands on his helmet and removes it.
I gasp as I see Suzaku standing in front of me. His brown hair is a bit messy but his eyes are puffy as if he had been crying for hours.
"Suzaku" I say shocked.
He nods and tries to give a smile but not before I smack him.
My hand stings a bit as I stare at the red mark I just left on his face. "What is going on?"
His eyes are sad and he wipes away a tear. "I'm sorry."
I slap him again his head jerks to the side but then comes back and he looks down at the ground. "What is going on" I cry.
He stutters over his words and his voice is sad.
"I am finishing Lelouch's final phase."
"What" I say confused and angry.
"He wanted to remake the world and the only way he could do that is to break the cycle of hate."
The realization dawns on me and my eyes begin to water but he continues.
"He became emperor and drove all of the people to hate him so that if he died the people would be able to focus on what really matters. He created an enemy that everyone could unite against. It's hard to explain but that's the best way can put it."
He turns and walks away. "You know he did love you."
Without another word he puts his helmet on and leaves.
I fall to my knees. Lelouch. Another wave of tears come as I realize that he wasn't the monster we thought he was. His legacy is forever tainted, but that was what he sacrificed.
Lelouch, The word hangs in the air everywhere around me. News reports dance on the screens as they announce the death of our fallen leader. The rebels and the citizens cheer so loud my ears ring. I feel alone, like I am in a different world. My heart full of sorrow. Tears fall down my face but I don't do anything about it. Lelouch can't be gone I try to think. Once I think this I hear someone yell "the emperor is dead."
I almost scream but Ogi places a hand on my shoulder snapping me back to reality. His eyes are full of sympathy. Knowing he wont blame me if I cry I bury my face in his chest and he hugs me. "You were in love with him."
"What makes you think I was," my words barely coming out clear. I try to stop but I cant.
He laughs lightly "I can just tell."
I continue for a while until I hear Villetta calling over the crowd for him. He looks at me to know if I want him to stay but I just say "go get her." I manage a fake smile.
He nods and heads off searching through the crowd. Once he is gone I decide to walk home hoping it'll help clear my mind. As I walk everyone seems to be cheering over the death of the emperor. Lelouch I think. Your plan worked. A child runs across the street holding his mothers hand. He smiles and so does his mother. I watch as they run eagerly to where the crowd is gathering. Following them with my eyes I start to realize the full extent of his plan.
You wanted them to have one common enemy. Someone the world hated so much that the people would unite together to stop him. My eyes threaten to tear up but I force the tears down. I quickly walk down the streets. Kicking a pebble across the street I head to the park which is a shortcut to get home. The walk seems to be doing me more harm than good. My emotions are threatening me as I walk home. I'm afraid if I cry people will think me to be a traitor. I quickly run home. When there I knock anxiously and notice my mother open the door.
"Kallen" she gasps but I'm already running up the stairs and feel as tears build in my eyes leaving a few drops on the ground. Running down the halls I make it to my room and slam the door behind me. Once in the safety of my own room I cry. I sniff as tears are falling down my face like a rain storm and I tuck my knees to my chest as I slowly sink to the floor pressing my back to the door. A strand of my red hair catches one of my tears and reflects the light of the room into my eye. Mother knocks on the door.
"Kallen please let me talk to you."
I ignore her and continue on as if I never heard anything at all.
"Kallen please I don't know why your taking this so personal but I mean its not like you really knew him." She must have thought it would help. She had no idea.
I feel anger as those last words repeat in my head. Throwing the door open I grip her maid collar in my hands and push her against the wall. Her eyes are full of fear as I growl "you don't know anything about him or what he has done for you."
Letting her go I slam the door and hear her say "Kallen wait I'm sorry I just," the sound of her fist against the door blocks out her next words. Picking up the first thing I see I throw it at the wall. The sound leaves a ringing in my ear. Still enraged I grab something else and target the mirror which shatters. Pieces of glass chime as they hit the floor.
I scream falling to my knees. My tears come faster as I remember Lelouch more vividly. I remember as we were in the construction site as he was confused. Remember as he leaned in about to kiss me. Laughing a bit I remember slapping him. Then I remember as he went to join the United Federation I kissed him on the stairwell. Remember how happy I felt. For a brief second all my problems were gone as I kissed him. His lips were warm and soft.
Tears fall down harder and I scream louder. I'm sure by now every maid in the house is on edge afraid to even come near me.
Scooting to the broken mirror shards I grab the biggest piece I see and grab it. Lifting it up and gripping it with both hands the memories come back and I am about to end my life. Everything seems like a blur as I am about to end it here.
"No!" I hear mother scream.
Mother walks in but I don't look at her. Running to me she moves her hand to the glass and chucks it to the side. My hands must have gotten cut because blood slides down the palm of my hand. She just sits in front of me and embraces me wrapping her arms around me in an attempt to comfort me. I just cry not knowing what else to do. Mother whispers "it's ok."
Slowly I hug her back. We sit there for a little until I get up at the sound of a voice. One of the maids say's "theirs a guest for Ms Kallen."
I sigh and decide to see who it is. Wiping the tears from my eyes I walk down the stairs. A young girl stands there I am confused. I never met her in my life. Looking closely I see a package in her arms. It says from Zero. It only takes me a second to recognize that it's Lelouch's handwriting.
Where did you get that" I ask suddenly.
The girl stands still and her eyes look stoned. Tilting her head to the left she asks "are you Kallen."
"I am."
Holding out the envelope she says "I was told to give this to a girl named Kallen if that's you then my job is done."
Job? Lelouch must have used Geass on her I think.
She holds out the envelope and slowly I reach out my hand. Taking it away from her she starts to leave walking out the door without another word. I'm confused but I decide to just leave it. Slipping it into my pocket I scan the room to make sure no one saw it and luckily no one did. I walk upstairs to my room and lock the door behind me.
I quickly sit on my bed and scan the outside of the envelope. The name Zero is written on the front and this is defiantly his hand writing. Why would he send this to me? I'm a little over whelmed to think that he would write to me even after what he did. I don't hate him. There's no way I could after what he just did and I know that some of the others must have figured it out already.
Nervously I start to tear the top of the envelope. When it's finally open I embrace myself for the worse but am surprised by the contents. Inside are a couple pictures of the student council. I immediately recognize them all. When I start to search through them I see one of Lelouch.
"Lelouch" I whisper to myself. My heart beats a little faster and I start to blush.
He doesn't look like the murderer that everyone saw. His purple eyes are full of innocence. I'm so confused who are you really Lelouch? Are you Zero? Are you the kind brother Nunally always knew? Or are you the evil emperor Lelouch?
Overwhelmed I decide to take a shower before reading the letter in the envelope.
It feels nice to bathe again after being in a prison cell for a few months now. I feel myself relaxing and remember the time when Lelouch walked in on me in the student councils bathroom. I start to blush again but I smile. Then a tear falls down my face followed by another. Before I know it I'm on my knees sobbing as the hot water rains down on me. I stay like this for a while and finally decide to get out.
Getting out I start to change into some clothes. Looking in the mirror I see that there are bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and my red hair seems to have grown longer. Sighing I decide to just finish the letter.
Sitting on my bead again I take out the delicate piece of paper from the envelope.
When I finally have the courage to open it I am shocked on what I find.
Looking at the letter a tear rolls down my face. "Lelouch" I whisper.
Kallen
You once asked me what you meant to me and now I'm going to tell you.
You once asked what you meant to me and now I'm going to tell you. When I first met you I won't lie, you were a mere pawn. As time moved forward I learned more about you. You were labeled a Britannian by your father but that wasn't what you wanted. You had everything anyone could ask for, but that wasn't what you wanted. I found you intriguing. As we progressed in our revolution I knew you would be a good ace to use in battle. I never thought of you more than a pilot. Well at least I wish that's what I could say. After you learned about my identity you were no longer a pawn you were a human being. A fragile human but I realized that I was the fragile one.
I had worn a mask since I was a boy. It was the only thing that kept me alive. After that mask was shattered I fell apart. I didn't want to accept the fact that I was weak that I couldn't do it on my own.
That night when you stopped me from using refrain I started to look at you different. Every time I was with you my heart beat a little faster and I felt warmer inside. At night when I stared at the ceiling you were the only thing I could think about. Whenever I saw you I felt like I could make it through the day. That day when I thought that I lost Nunally, I remember you comforting me in the elevator. I can't explain what I felt when everyone threatened to kill me. That day when I told you that I thought of you as a pawn was the hardest thing I've had to do. At that moment I accepted the fact that I could never tell you how I truly felt but life had a different path for me.
I was chosen to survive. When I saw you at the school that final time I was ready to tell you everything. Then you kissed me. That single moment was the happiest I ever felt. For a moment it seemed like time stopped. It was then that I knew what I had to do. I couldn't tell you what I felt. If I did I would only hurt you more, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I walked away from you and avoided the one question you wanted answered.
Kallen I know it's selfish of me to tell you this now but in a few hours I will cease to exist in this world. The one thing I regret most is that I won't be able to say these words to you face to face. I love you. Kallen I love you and because I love you I need to let you go.
Have a good life Kallen even though I know it won't be with me. Have a family. Have friends, and most of all marry someone who will treat you better than I ever did. I've never been a man to make a promise but right now I will promise you something. As I stand alive in those final moments the one thing that I will be thinking of will be you. Kallen you were many things. My subordinate, my ace, but most importantly you were the woman I loved.
Goodbye Kallen
Lelouch