Chapter 9
Manhattan SVU, Manhattan, New York
Saturday, November 21st 2015
10.21 am
Olivia had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning with her head on the desk. She had no intentions of going home yet to the grief that would be waiting for her. She was hurting inside, in pure agony at the thought that her Mom wouldn't be there for her anymore, her Mom was gone.
She was startled awake by the ringing phone and as she glanced at the clock she realised someone had told her unit to keep away as she was sleeping.
"Captain Cragen Special Victims." She answered slowly.
Hey Liv it's Mel.
"Oh hey Mel everything ok?" She asked knowing that Melinda would be calling about something to do with her Mother or a case.
Yeah I've finished the autopsy and filled out the report do you want me to bring it over?
"No, I'll come down there now." Olivia replied.
Ok see you soon.
Melinda hung up the phone and Olivia slowly put the receiver down. This was reality now and she wasn't sure if she was ready to face it.
As she stood up she looked out into the bullpen and saw Nick, Fin and Munch hard at work at their desks. Elliot's desk was empty which was a good thing, that meant he was still with her father, something she knew she should have been doing.
She walked out into the bullpen and she could feel the sombre atmosphere.
"Liv." Fin smiled gently and pulled her into an embrace.
"Thanks." She whispered as he held her.
"We're all here for you and for Dad ok?" He reassured her.
"I know, I'm going to the morgue and then I'm going home to meet the kids, if a big case comes in call Queens SVU their going to take any tough cases from us but if you need me for anything don't hesitate in calling me ok?" She spoke to no one in particular.
"Just go be with your family Liv." Munch told her and she just nodded before hurrying out not wanting the detectives to see her in tears again.
Morgue, Manhattan, New York
Saturday, November 21st 2015
11.11 am
For the first time in her life Olivia hesitated before going into the morgue. This was different. This wasn't a case where they'd seen the body at the crime scene, this wasn't anything like that. This was her Mom and her father, her husband and herself had arrived home to find her lifeless body at the bottom of the stairs.
"You don't have to come in you know." Melinda smiled reassuringly as she came out to join her best friend.
"I know but I want to." Olivia replied solemnly.
"Why Liv? Why do you want to?" Melinda asked gently.
"You sound like Huang." She laughed weakly.
"I do my best." Melinda teased gently knocking into her shoulder playfully.
"I have seen some of the most disgusting bodies who have had who knows what done to them ... why am I scared of going to see my own Mom's body?" Olivia explained her eyes closed as she remembered her father clutching tightly to the body and sobbing.
"Because this isn't a case Liv, this is your Mom the woman who adopted you and for the last seven years has been there for you every step of the way." Melinda explained. "You don't have to see this body on the table."
"But if you want to I will be there by your side."
Olivia's eyes fluttered open and she turned her head to see her Father coming towards her with tear stained cheeks and blood shot eyes.
"Dad." She whispered before the tears cascaded down her cheek, she hadn't even seen Elliot standing a few feet behind him.
"We'll do this together princess." He told her as his hand cupped her cheek and he stroked a thumb across her tears.
"Ok, let's do it." She nodded standing up and taking his hand.
"I'll wait here for you." Elliot whispered gently knowing this is something Father and Daughter needed to do alone.
"Thank you." Olivia whispered back before following Melinda inside.
Her heart was hammering inside her chest to the point it rang in her ears. Her mind was going crazy as she walked slowly hand in hand with Don towards the body. Melinda waited patiently for them and one look from Olivia and a small nod of the head let her pull back the blue sheet and reveal Anne's face.
"Anne." Don gasped his tears flowing freely.
Olivia cupped a hand over her eyes and turned her head away as she cried, more because of Don's reaction than anything else. He bent over the body and cupped his hand over his wife's lifeless face.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
The scene in front of her broke Melinda's heart. She'd known the woman on her table now, she knew her well, the grieving family consisted of her best friend and her father. This wasn't normal for her and she knew the second they left she'd have to take some time out to cry herself, because right now she was struggling to hold back her tears.
"What's the COD Mel?" Olivia asked her friend.
"She had a heart attack Liv, she must have had it at the top of the stairs but she was dead before she hit the bottom." Melinda explained and Olivia just nodded gratefully.
"So would she have died regardless?" Olivia asked.
"There was nothing that could have stopped this from happening." Melinda replied and again Olivia nodded.
"Come on Dad." Olivia whispered pulling him into a tight embrace.
While the two held each other and sobbed Melinda covered the body back up out of respect to them both. She then went into her office out of sight where she could let her own tears fall as she didn't want Olivia to see her cry.
"We need to tell the kids." Olivia informed her father when his sobbing began to subside.
He just nodded, he was too heartbroken to speak so he let his daughter lead him away from his wife's dead body and back out into the corridor to where Elliot was waiting.
Cragen-Stabler Residence, Manhattan, New York
Saturday, November 21st 2015
12.26 pm
Everyone sat in the living room waiting for the kids to arrive. Elliot kept making hot drinks while the other two sat in complete silence. He didn't know what to do or say to make either of them feel better so he found it easier to say nothing at all and be there if his wife or father in law needed him.
He had never seen Don Cragen like this. He'd seen Olivia grieving when Serena Benson died and then when Michael died and the again when Cole was shot so he kind of knew what to expect with her but with Don Cragen he only knew one thing, that last time he'd grieved for a wife he'd become an alcoholic, and he could only pray that his father in law wouldn't do that again.
When they heard a key in the lock everyone wiped their tears and sat a little upright. Melissa was old enough to have her own key so she was letting everyone into the house. The kids ran into the living room and they instantly sensed that something was wrong. Alex and Casey came into the room with their son Zachary and they also could tell something was wrong and looked around questioningly.
Alex looked at Casey when she realised what it was, they could tell by the atmosphere and the person not sat in the room what had happened. They weren't sure if they should still be here but Elliot looked at them and nodded his head towards the kitchen. Taking six month old Zachary with them they went into the kitchen with Elliot leaving Don and Olivia to tell the kids.
"Babies I need you all to sit down." Olivia whispered as she held Ali and Eli on her knees and the other kids gathered around them.
"Mommy where's Granny?" Nicole asked weakly almost as if she knew what had happened.
"Babies, Granny's gone to heaven." Olivia explained softly, Nicole and Melissa instantly burst out in tears, Melissa running off and Nicole diving into Cragen's arms.
"Like Cole and Michael?" Liliana asked.
"Yeah baby she's going to be there with them now watching over us." Olivia explained.
"Mommy?" Alexandra whispered.
"What baby?" Olivia asked.
"I don't want Granny to go." She explained.
"I know baby, none of us wanted Granny to go but we're not allowed to chose when it's our time, our turn. It was Granny's turn to go and so she had to go." Olivia explained as softly as she could but her heart was breaking piece by piece.
"Mommy I feel really sad." Liliana whispered.
"That's ok princess, Mommy feels real sad too, that's ok to feel sad when someone goes to heaven." Olivia replied.
"Can we go upstairs?" Alexandra asked.
"Yeah baby you can go upstairs." Olivia knew they wanted to cry, they were very much like Elliot when it came to being sad in public.
Olivia and Don just watched as the identical brunette twins rushed out of the room and Olivia held tighter onto Ali and Eli.
"They'll be ok." Don whispered as Nicole finally let go of him and rushed off upstairs.
"Yeah." Olivia nodded before putting the babies down and they went over to their grandfather both of them feeling the sadness clouding the family.
Olivia went through to the kitchen where Elliot, Alex and Casey were sat with steaming mugs of Coffee. Zachary sleeping in the bassinette Olivia kept around for her friends' kid.
"He's getting big." Olivia smiled gently as she watched the sleeping boy.
"Yeah, you looking forward to doing all this again?" Alex asked.
"I thought you were planning another one." Olivia commented as she sat down and took her husband's tea, he drank the same as her when she was pregnant knowing that kissing her made her tempted to have a coffee.
"We were but we're not so sure now, Zachary's just perfect." Casey explained as she looked over her grieving pregnant friend.
"We were just talking about maybe you'd like Ali and Eli to stay with us again at least tonight." Alex smiled gently. "We know they're too young to understand so maybe you'd find it easier to deal with the rest of the troupes if they aren't here."
"Would you mind? I mean you have Zach to look after." Olivia explained.
"We wouldn't ask if we minded." Casey explained.
"I appreciate it guys, thank you so much." Olivia smiled.
"Hey they're our God Children, what more could we do for them than care for them when we're needed." Alex smiled making Olivia feel a tiny bit lighter with some of the pressure being pulled off her shoulders.
"Now, how are you feeling?" Casey asked as she also remembered how Olivia had struggled with the deaths of her son and fiancé seven years ago.
"Oh you know, I feel a little lost at the moment, I mean I can't ... I can't quite believe that she's gone." Olivia explained trying to hide the tiny tears dripping down her cheeks.
"We're here for you if you need us Liv ok?" Alex smiled as she took her friend's hand.
"All the way." Casey chipped in and Olivia smiled gratefully.
"I'm scared that the kids aren't going to cope with this, Melissa's probably breaking things, Nicole will have curled up in a ball and cried herself to sleep and Lili and Lexi are probably lying in bed together crying and I don't know what to say to any of them to help them." Olivia whispered.
"They don't expect you to know what to say, especially Melissa who understands that you're grieving too." Alex reassured her.
"I know but Lexi and Lili haven't dealt with death before, not in the way Melissa and Nicole has." Olivia explained.
"Nicole wasn't alive when Cole died." Casey replied not understanding.
"No but she's still grieved for him, Elliot and I agreed to never hide her real father from her and when we go to Church on a Sunday we always go to the grave, me, Anne, Melissa and Nicole and she's been through the same grief as Melissa has in regards to Cole, she's grown up knowing he's dead but he loves her very much. Lili and Lexi haven't had to deal with any of that."
"How did you tell Lexi and Lili?" Alex asked.
"The same way I told Melly about Michael, explained that they had to go to Heaven and couldn't come back." Olivia replied.
"Ok Liv I know this is probably not what you want to hear now but you need to sit them all down and say that she died, explain what death is and explain in layman's terms how she died." Alex explained.
"What? Why?" Olivia asked in utter shock at her friend.
"I did my psychology course when I was pregnant and one of the aspects was children and grief, it's important when someone dies that Children understand why and how so that they can grieve properly." Alex told her.
"So you're telling me I did it wrong with Melly?" Olivia asked frowning.
"No, she understood death before she came into your care because of her parents, she knew about death and what it meant, Huang told her and Michael about death so when Michael was going to heaven she knew it meant dying and probably appreciated your description and the same with Cole but Lili and Lexi don't understand." Alex explained as gently as she could.
"Should I go tell them now?" Olivia asked and Alex nodded.
"Don't wait, because the longer you wait the harder it will be."
With that Olivia hurried up the stairs to the twins' room. Just as she thought she found them cuddled up in one bed both sobbing.
"Lil, Lex, can we talk?" Olivia asked and they both sat upright and made room for Olivia between them.
She climbed in and took one girl under each arm and they rested their heads on her breasts and a hand on her growing bump.
"You know when Mommy said Granny had gone to heaven and we don't get to chose when we go?" Olivia started and both the girls nodded. "Well what Mommy should have said is Granny died."
"What's died mean?" Lexi asked.
"When someone dies it means their heart stops working for some reason, lots of people die like Michael your big brother and Melissa's twin and Cole Nikki's Daddy, they both died." Olivia explained gently. "Cole died because someone bad hurt him, they hurt him so bad that his heart stopped working. Michael died because when he was born his heart didn't work properly and then it stopped working all together."
"How did Granny die, did someone hurt her too?" Liliana asked looking up at her mother.
"No baby, see when people get older their heart does too and Granny's heart just got too old and decided not to work anymore." Olivia said deciding it was the best way to describe a heart attack to her five year olds.
"So when someone dies, their heart stops working and that means that it can't be fixed?" Alexandra died.
"Yeah baby that's what it means." Olivia nodded grateful that they understood.
"So Granny's heart stopped working and it can't be fixed, so she's now gone to heaven." Liliana stated.
"Exactly, and it's ok to be sad and angry and hurt that Granny died. Mommy's really sad and so is Daddy and Grandpa." Olivia knew to reaffirm that it was ok to be hurting, that she was sure about.
"I miss Granny Mommy." Lexi cried and both girls started to sob.
"I miss Granny too." Olivia whispered as her own tears began to fall. "I miss Granny lots and lots."
"Mommy why do people die?" Alexandra asked through her sobs.
"I don't know baby, it's always different but Mommy believes that people die because it's just their time too but then they go to heaven and even though we can't see them they're always there with us and watching after us." Olivia explained.
"She went without us being able to say bye bye." Lili pointed out.
"When someone dies baby they don't know that they're going, they can't stop it happening, so when someone dies we have a funeral so everyone can say goodbye." Olivia explained.
"Are we having a funeral for Granny?" Alexandra asked.
"Yeah in about a week we will because there is a lot of organising to be done before hand, but we go to Church to have the funeral and have people over for food and drink afterwards so that everyone that loves the person who died can remember them." Olivia told them and they accepted it instantly.
Banging from the room across the hallway made everyone jump and Olivia looked at her two little girls and they just nodded, telling her without words to go to see their older sister.
Olivia kissed them both on the head and climbed out of the bed before rushing over to Melissa's room.
She found her eldest child throwing books around and she had to duck when one came flying at her.
"Mom." Melissa gasped running up to her.
"Hey it's ok Mel." Olivia whispered as she held tight to her daughter. "It's ok to be angry baby."
"Why did Granny die Mom? It's not fair!" She sobbed into her Mom's chest.
"Granny had a heart attack baby, her heart just gave up, none of us saw it coming." Olivia explained. "And I know it's not fair baby, I really do but it happened and in time we'll accept it."
"It went from my birth parents to Mikey then Daddy and now Granny, I can't keep losing people." She sobbed.
"I know, baby I know how you're feeling but death is a part of life and it happens and yes it hurts when it happens but it's a part of life that has to happen." Olivia explained as best she could to her heartbroken teenager.
"It's not fair!" Melissa yelled pulling away from her mother and kicking the chest of drawers.
"Mel..."
"Just leave me alone!" She yelled kicking the drawers again.
"Ok, just know you can talk to me about this any time ok?" Olivia replied but a flying book had her leaving the room quickly.
Once the door was shut she saw Nicole walking towards her with bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks.
"Come here Nic'." She whispered pulling her six year old into a tight embrace.
"Is Granny really with Daddy and Mikey Mom?" Nicole hiccupped.
"I think so baby." Olivia replied.
"Will she be put in the ground in the same place?" Nicole continued.
"I hope so." Olivia nodded.
"And will we still be allowed to go talk to her like we do Daddy and Mikey?" Nicole asked.
"Absolutely." Olivia nodded, that was one thing that wouldn't change because she needed to talk to her Mom more than ever.
"Ok." Nicole nodded. "I'm gonna go bed now."
Olivia let her daughter go and watched her disappear into her own bedroom before going downstairs.
Don had joined Elliot, Casey and Alex in the kitchen.
"Where's Alyah and Elysah?" Olivia asked.
"Play room." Elliot replied referring to the old library that had been turned into a giant playroom for the kids.
Olivia just nodded and sat down beside her father, resting her head on his shoulder.
"I love you princess." He whispered to her.
"I love you too Daddy." She replied closing her eyes as a tear slipped through and down her cheek.
"We'll get through this you know." He told her firmly and she just nodded, hoping and praying that was true.
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