Chapter 16

Manhattan SVU, Manhattan, New York

Wednesday, December 2nd 2015

8.49 pm

Olivia sat at her desk in the near dark. She didn't want to be around anyone right now. Melinda had called to let her know the report was on the way to her and she'd decided she wanted to be alone to read it. It was here now. On her desk ready to be read but she wasn't sure if she wanted to know why she'd gone to visit her father and found his body. She found his body. An image she'd never thought she'd see and an image she knew she would never get out of her head.

She was still in shock. She'd only just lost her Mom and now her Dad too. Her heart was broken yet she still hadn't shed a single tear since she'd walked into her Mother's old house and found the dead body of Donald Cragen in the arm chair. He had looked so peaceful that at first she thought he was sleeping and then when she had touched him she felt how cold he was and she knew, even before she'd pressed her fingers to his neck and found no pulse she'd known. Her hand had automatically gone to her cell phone and she'd automatically called the same woman who had been at her house twelve days earlier and done her a favour and she knew it was the only person she could trust with her father's body, the only person who would treat her father with the respect he deserved.

A knock on the door startled her from her thoughts.

"Come in." She called quietly but the door opening was evidence that the person had heard. "George."

"Hey Liv." He smiled politely and Olivia nodded her head towards the chairs in front of her, she knew he was just as lost as she was but she also knew that he was here for her now, as a friend, a shrink, whichever way she needed him he was there for her.

"How are you holding up George?" As soon as his backside hit the chair.

"That's normally my question." He chuckled softly. "I'm fine, what about you?" He asked knowing her answer would determine in which way she needed him.

She just shrugged and he knew she needed him as a shrink or both but not a friend alone.

"I haven't read it yet." She whispered.

"The report?" He asked and she nodded while she chewed on her bottom lip. "Do you even want to read it?"

"I need to know how he died." She replied softly.

"You could just ask Melinda the COD Liv, you don't have to read it, why do you want to?" He probed carefully knowing this was going to be a very difficult session for both of them.

"I don't know." She was lying and he knew it.

"It's because you think you already know the COD." He stated and though it wasn't a question she nodded. "But you don't want to believe it." He added and again she nodded before picking up the report.

"If I read this George any excuse I have for him goes out of the window." She explained.

"Liv, I don't think he meant to die." He told her gently.

"I know that." She snapped but there was no conviction behind the statement. "I know that." She said softer and he could see her slowly begin to break.

"Then why are you so scared of your suspicion being confirmed?" He asked her.

"Because he knew." She sighed as a single tear left her eye that she quickly wiped away.

"Knew what?" Huang asked now feeling a little confused.

"Knew the risks, he knew, yet knowing the risks, he still picked up a glass and swallowed the contents."

"So you think it was a suicide?" Huang asked and Olivia shrugged, she didn't want to answer that.

Slowly she flicked open the report.

Autopsy Report

Name – Donald Cragen

Next of Kin – Olivia Cragen-Stabler

Relation to deceased – Daughter

Cause of Death – Heart Failure caused by Alcohol Poisoning

Ruling – Accidental Death

That's all Olivia could read. She knew the report had more scientific details on the other pages but she didn't need to read them.

"Warner ruled it an accident." Olivia replied to his earlier question.

"I didn't ask for Warner's ruling Olivia." Huang told her.

"I know." She said a hint of a smirk on her lip that just wasn't going to break through.

"Do you agree with Warner?" He asked.

"You already know the answer to that." She said as another single tear slipped down her cheek which she made haste in disposing of before resting her hands back on her

"I'm inclined to tell you that I don't agree but maybe this will tell you why." He said taking an envelope out of his pocket and throwing it on the table.

"What's this?" She asked.

"A letter your father gave to me when he adopted you in case anything ever happened to him." Huang explained. "I was told to only give it to you if he relapsed."

Olivia stared at the envelope like it was about to catch fire. She didn't want to read it, she didn't want to know what he would have said to her.

"Remember..." Huang started as he got to his feet. "He wrote that before anything happened to your Mother, he was stone cold sober when he wrote it and I'll leave you to read it alone but I'll be outside if you need me."

And with that he left. Left her to open the letter that the man she worshiped had written to her, the man she respected more than any other being, the man who'd loved her unconditionally without ever having to. With shaking hands she reached for the envelope and before she could change her mind she ripped it open and read its contents.

My Darling Olivia,

I cannot believe that I am now your father, legally that is. You've been my daughter for many years, before either one of us even realised we had the bond and the connection to survive a personal relationship.

For you to be reading this I have passed on and at some point relapsed into alcohol. That breaks my heart in just thinking about it. Whatever the circumstances I hope it wasn't something happening to our family that caused it, I hope you and Elliot still love each other and that the kids (however many you have by now) are growing up to be fantastic people and that Anne, well I hope nothing has happened to her but it would make most sense, I started drinking when my first wife died I wouldn't be surprised that it would happen a second time. Whatever did happen though I hope that you don't blame yourself in any way for my lapse in judgement.

The chances are for me to be dead after having a relapse it's the alcohol that caused my death, scientifically speaking of course. I am the one who drank the alcohol and so the blame lies solely with me. Please don't blame yourself Princess because I know that you will be, at some point if not yet, you will blame yourself and I couldn't live with that... I guess I wouldn't have to as I'm already dead for you to be reading this.

The reason I am writing this letter just after your adoption is because I have something to ask. Please, whatever you do and whatever you think of me, please, don't ever doubt my love for you, ever. My love for you kept me going while I worked at SVU, I had the surging need to protect you in a similar sense to Elliot, but my protection wasn't out in the field, it was behind my office door while I made sure that whatever decision I made regarding SVU it never hurt you. I hated seeing you hurt.

We had many conversations Olivia, we had many arguments, disagreements, but I know that in those long talks we shared I gave you advice, I said stuff to you that I know you've carried around with you, believed in, used to help you make some important decisions. Please, don't let the circumstances surrounding my death to ever stop you from using what I said. Alcohol probably killed me Olivia or assisted in my death but never did any of our conversations (to date) take place when I was intoxicated. Everything I told you was the truth.

I've been wondering how many days after my death it will take for George Huang to give you this letter. Not that it's important but I want to tell you to trust him Olivia, let him guide you through all your suffering, let him be there for you and the family that you've created because it will help the two of you out in the long run. He means a lot to me as a friend and I know he will take good care of you and in the process of letting him take care of you, you will be taking care of him because he needs to help people in order to survive, it's in his genes the way SVU is in yours.

I'm proud to be allowed to call you my daughter now Olivia. I'm so proud of you and everything you've achieved and overcome and I'm sure when I die there will be a lot more I'm proud of. I admire you Olivia, that's a much more suitable word than proud, though I am proud of you I also admire you, I admire the person you are, the person you've fought to be and who would have thought Detective Benson would someday become Mrs Cragen-Stabler,(That is if you have made it down the aisle yet!) you've come a heck of a long way Liv and I admire you for that, for you dedication and resilience.

I'm going to leave this letter here because I've seemed to have said it all. There's only one thing left. Don't ever remember me as the drunk you witnessed, remember me as the Captain who introduced you to your partner and subsequent love of your life, remember me as a father who cherished you, loved and protected you in every way possible once given the chance, remember the man who loved your children.

Remember me as the man who loved you regardless.

All my love Princess

Dad.

Olivia read the letter through and when she read the final five words that was when she finally couldn't hold it in any more. Her head fell into her hands as sobs wracked her body. Loud cries carried out of the office and into the ears of George Huang who was closing his eyes in pain at hearing a daughter's grief. He waited though, allowed her some time alone to mourn the loss of her hero.

He gave her five minutes alone before he entered the office. She was still wailing and he did the only thing he saw suitable and turned her chair so he could wrap his arms around her. She held onto him as she cried, soaking his shirt with her tears. His own tears falling silently into her brown locks as he failed to hide his own grief.

"Sorry." She sniffed as she pulled away.

"Don't apologise for grieving." He told her as he wiped his own tears and went to sit down.

"I just... reading that ... I've been telling myself, since my Mom died that he didn't love me, that I was just available for him to have someone to call a daughter because when he started drinking again he didn't care about me, he didn't think of how the alcohol would affect me but in that letter it's obvious that he did love me George, he did." She closed her eyes as the tears silently fell again.

"Olivia, I know he loved you, if anything would have happened to you he would have done exactly what he did with Anne and turned to the bottle, you meant more to him than life itself and they're his words." Huang told her firmly, as a friend he knew how much the woman in front of him meant to the older man.

"I loved him so much George. You know, seeing him often fight the battle to turn back to the bottle over the years I wished Serena could be like that, be that strong and I worshiped him and respected him for what he overcome but right now I don't feel anything but angry towards him and I don't want to hate him!"

"You couldn't hate him Olivia, you love him too much to hate him." He replied softly.

"I have to tell my kids that he's dead George but I can't even accept it myself." Olivia shook her head as more tears slipped down her sodden cheeks. "My husband is grieving my children will be grieving and I don't think I can hold it together anymore."

Real short chapter, next up funeral and for those of you who get upset easy have your Kleenex ready (Hint hint DeLene!) xx