Chapter 16
The poems in this fic are mine and are copyrighted too me.
If you don't know the songs I recommend you give them a listen before while or after to really get an affect of how the songs go with the chapter.
Ok so the songs in this chapter all copyrights to the respective owners. Simple Plan – Gone too soon, Lonestar – I'm already there, Kelly Clarkson – Already Gone
Cragen-Stabler Household, Manhattan, New York
Friday, December 12th 2015
9.11 am
Olivia sat on the edge of her bed clutching at a photograph of herself and Don Cragen. It had been taken years before he adopted her at a policeman's ball. She remembered it like it was yesterday, when he had asked her to dance she'd laughed thinking he was joking but when she saw the seriousness on his face she'd accepted and taken his hand, letting him lead her to the floor. It had been a song by Simple Plan and she remembered him singing it to her as they danced, he'd joked and said it was their first father and daughter dance and ever since then she'd been a fan of Simple Plan.
"Liv?" Elliot spoke softly as he came into the room.
"Hey." She said her eyes flickering from him and back to the photograph in her hand.
He climbed onto the bed behind her and gently massaged her shoulders hoping to relax her a little as he knew this day was going to be highly stressful and as she stroked her thirty week bump it was a constant reminder that she had to be as relaxed as possible.
"You remember this?" Olivia asked signalling to the photo.
"Of course I do." Elliot smiled. "I took the photo just as you were coming off the dance floor, Don had it in his office from the day I gave him the only copy."
"Yeah, said it was one of his proudest moment, it was the third time we got highest case closure rate as partners." Olivia smiled.
"Yeah and we kept that record until I became Sergeant." Elliot pointed out.
"Thirteen long years." Olivia smiled softly.
"You always made him proud Liv, and you'll continue to do so." He told her and she smiled softly.
"I know." She replied. "Are the kids ready?"
"Yeah Alex and Casey are holding onto Alyah and Elysah, Melissa's just reading over her speech over and over again, Nicole is playing with the family photo from last summer and Alexandra and Liliana are talking in their own language so I have no idea what they're saying to each other." Elliot explained.
"I don't know what to say to them El." She whispered as tears stung her eyes.
"They know you're upset too Liv, they're not expecting you to have all the answers yet, they know they can come and ask questions but I think they're just sad and lost right now having lost both their grandparents in such a short space of time." Elliot explained gently. "You don't have to keep it all together for them."
"I know." She nodded as the tears made their way down her cheeks, splashing onto the photograph.
"Now are you ready to come downstairs?" Elliot asked.
"I don't know what to say to anyone." She whispered as he stood in front of her in his dress blues that were in perfect condition as she'd sent then to the cleaners.
"No one expects you to say anything Olivia." Elliot whispered as he helped her to her feet.
"Ok." She nodded as she smoothed her foot length maternity dress over her bump and picked up her suit jacket.
Manhattan SVU, Manhattan, New York
Friday, December 12th 2015
10.16 am
Olivia stood in the middle of the bullpen with Elliot's arm around her. The photo of her father had gone now to be set up at the hotel where they'd hold the wake but now in its place was pine box draped with the American Flag. As per Olivia's request Don Cragen had spent his last night at the one six where he had worked and done his duty. Now they were here to take him on his final journey and Olivia clung to Elliot's hand.
"Baby I need to help." Elliot whispered and she finally released his hand so he could stand with Munch, Fin, Nick and three uni's who had worked under Captain Donald Cragen.
Olivia stood alone clutching tight to the NYPD flag in her hand as the box was lifted onto the men's shoulders and carried towards the elevators, she followed slowly behind wiping her tears on the back of her hand as she walked only when her vision became too blurred.
No word was spoken the whole way to the hearse. No words could have been said that would have made the situation any better. Outside the one six the press went berserk taking photographs but the only sound that could be heard was of the flashing camera's the silence was a mark of respect for a fallen hero. Three squad cars were in front of the hearse the lights already flashing with uniformed officers stood by the door ready for when they would set off.
Officers who were working instead of attending the funeral (which were very few) had lined up outside the precinct to respect a wounded cop.
Olivia thought she wasn't breathing as the coffin was lowered and placed into the back of the hearse. The flower arrangements that had been organised and made were then added inside, the one most prominent to Olivia was the white blue and yellow 'Daddy' almost exactly the same as Melissa had for Cole. On the other side which Olivia couldn't see from where she stood rubbing her bump, wind lapping her hair around her tear ridden cheeks was the blue yellow and white 'Granddad' but she knew it was there.
The back of the hearse closed with a soft click and then the officers driving the squad cars climbed inside all of them watching in their mirrors for when they were ready to set off at exactly ten thirty am.
Olivia glanced down at her watch, it was only twenty past so for a moment she stood with her co-workers from the one six, all of them hand in hand not caring who was watching. On Olivia's jacket was her father's Captain Shield with all his commendations and her own beside it without any Captain commendations as of yet but two of her Detectives ones on the other side were her father's medals from years before. On the collar were the small gold one six from her own uniform, her way of showing she was still a part of the squad even if she couldn't fit into her dress blues which she knew in difference to Cole, her father would have wanted except she was heavily pregnant and they didn't make dress blues in maternity sizes.
Tears slipped down Munch, Fin and Elliot's cheeks as they did Olivia's, Nick having stepped to the side out of the way with the other Pole Bearers as he hadn't worked under Don Cragen and he felt he wasn't supposed to be a part of this moment where four Detectives said goodbye to their superior officer.
Fin who was stood on Olivia's left gave her hand a gentle squeeze and she rested her head onto his shoulder as the tears slid silently down her cheeks. Elliot who held her left hand used his free hand to hold the bridge of his nose as he tried to suppress his tears but try as he might he was failing. John Munch holding Fin's left hand had pulled off his usual dark glasses opting for plain ones which didn't hide his tears.
A tap on Elliot's shoulder told him it was time to go and the four along with the pole bearers went to the side of the hearse to walk the route to the church. The roads had been closed off for this occasion, it was such a tragic loss. Olivia pressed her hand to the glass of the hearse knowing that in a moment they would set off, she had been determined to walk beside the car even though everyone had told her not too, she'd been told to walk with her family behind the hearse but she couldn't do it, she needed to be by his side one last time and this was the closest she was going to get.
The whole journey, no one said a word, they just cried silent tears and thought of Don Cragen.
Blessed Hearts Church, Manhattan, New York
Friday, December 12th 2015
10.39 am
As they slowly arrived outside the church Olivia could see the line up of uniformed officers, all of whom had worked at the one six while Don Cragen was in charge. The Morris Commission were all ready to walk in behind the family too not that anyone noticed them, they were all caught up in their own and each other's grief. Olivia met her children and embraced and kissed them while the men went to pick up the coffin.
The only noise around the church was the rustle of the December winter wind and the crunch of footsteps on the gravel. Fin, Elliot and Munch couldn't stop their tears from falling as they straightened up at the edge of the gravel path ready to walk through the line up of officers and into the church with Don Cragen's body on their shoulders. Melissa held tight to Olivia's hand as she stepped behind them ready to follow them inside, her other hand holding tight to the NYPD flag that showed she was the next of kin. Nicole held onto Casey's hand who was also holding onto Zachary's hand, Lili and Lexi were either side of George and Ali and Eli were either side of Alex all ready to begin the walk with the men from the Morris Commission behind them.
In complete silence they walked to the mouth of the church and then they halted waiting for the echoing notes from the song Olivia had chosen for this occasion.
Hey there now,
Where'd you go
You left me here
So unexpected
Slowly the walk into the church began. Everyone was stood watching as the Officers walked in with unstoppable tears tumbling down their cheeks and with no free hands to wipe them they were there for all to witness.
You changed my life
I hope you know
Cuz now I'm lost
So unprotected
The song was very Olivia and Don, it was why she'd chosen it but not only because it spoke volumes about her relationship with him but because she knew most of the song referred to everyone at the one six especially herself, Elliot, Munch and Fin.
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye
The walk was agonisingly slow for everyone and as the lyrics of the song touched everyone close to Don's hearts the tears became unstoppable.
Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast do far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same
Here without you
You were gone too soon
At the front of the church Olivia stood at a complete stand still as the coffin was placed down on a stand and the picture of Don in his blues a smaller version than that which had sat in the precinct was placed on top of the American Flag covering the wooden box.
You were always there
Like a shining light
On my darkest days
You were there to guide me
As the flowers were carried in Olivia stepped forward to take Elliot and Fin's hands once again. The four of them stood together looking at the coffin and at the pictures while the large flower arrangements were put in place.
Oh I miss you now
I wish you could see
Just how much your memory
Will always mean to me
It was an emotional moment for everyone. The four lead Detectives that had worked under Don Cragen stood hand in hand looking at his coffin. Every breath in the room was hitched, every eye had at least a tear threatening to spill except the people who would occupy the front pews of the Church who had hundreds of tears flowing freely yet silently.
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye
The four stood in the front had been listening to this song only two days earlier in Olivia's office where they all sat facing the chair behind the desk that Don Cragen had once growled orders from. They'd enjoyed non alcoholic beers and wine while Olivia had played the songs she had chosen for this occasion and shown them the photo array that would play during the service in between numerous speeches.
Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
So fast do far
You were gone too soon
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same
Here without you
You were gone too soon
They'd spoken about Don in a happy manner, joking about some of their memories with him and his family but when this song had played they'd all quietened down and dissolved into their own memories, to reflect on how this song stood for each of them.
Shine on, shine on
On to a better place
Shine on, Shine on
We'll never be the same
Shine on, Shine on
To Olivia this song was a promise to a father that he would live on in her heart and mind. How he would be missed in the lives of his grandchildren.
Like a shooting star
Flying across the room
To Elliot it was a message from a son in law, how Don would be missed but remembered in his families lives.
So fast so far
You were gone too soon
For Fin, it was a reminder of how short life could be even to those we think will live forever, a man he'd almost worshiped as he respected him.
You're a part of me
And I'll never be the same
When it came to John Munch it was a clear indentation of the inevitable that death does come to those who live eventually, a man he'd worked for, loved, respected, honoured was gone and this was a reflection of that.
Here without you
You were gone too soon
For everyone else it was a reflection of the pain the lost one's loved ones were feeling, their heartache, their pain and their sorrow.
Shine on, shine on
You were gone too soon
Shine on, Shine on
You were gone too soon
Shine on, Shine on
You were gone too soon
Shine on, Shine on
When the song came to an end everyone stood for a moment and thought of Donald Cragen.
Blessed Hearts Church, Manhattan, New York
Friday, December 12th 2015
11.00 am
Once everyone was seated everyone listened to the priest introduce the service with a sombre voice that sent chills down people's spines.
"Today we have gathered to say farewell to Captain Donald Cragen of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit..."
Ex Captain, Olivia thought a sob strangled in her throat, she was pleased though, that they were treating him and his death like he had never left the one six, he deserved that much.
"...A beloved father to Olivia Cragen-Stabler, and Father in law to Elliot Cragen-Stabler, grandfather to Melissa and Michael, Nicole Anne, Alexandra and Liliana and Alyah and Elysah Cragen-Stabler. Honoured Commanding Officer of Captain Olivia Cragen, Sergeant Elliot Stabler, Detective John Munch and Detective Odafin Tutuola. Many of you will step forward and say your farewells today addressing your friends, families and co-workers but remember that he will be waiting for you. 'The Lord gave his only begotten son Jesus Christ so that whomever believes in him should have ever lasting life.' When our time comes we will meet again."
As the Priest continued Olivia looked at the photos she had chosen to put around the coffin. She wanted him surrounded by friends and family. There was a picture of her and him, the family picture from the last barbeque that Fin had taken. A photo with him when Nicole was born, when Lili and Lexi were born and when Ali and Eli were born. It had been tough choosing just a handful of photos and George had been the one to help her do it, he'd also been the one to create the photo montage that would play after the speeches were done.
"First to speak is Commissioner Mathew Rockwell." The Priest took his seat while the commissioner walked to the podium to address his audience.
That's exactly what they were, an audience, to him who didn't know Don Cragen yet was about to talk about him in such a intimate manner.
"Captain Don Cragen of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit was a well loved Commanding Officer, that's obvious from the emotion displayed already this morning. His unit gave him his fair share of problems including fraternization..." Even Olivia laughed weakly here as did many others in the congregation. "...As an officer of the law he took his job seriously, he liked to push his Detectives and get results. I have to admit I worked very little with this great man."
Olivia sighed, had he actually worked with him at all?
"But from what I've heard over the past ten days, he was indeed that, a great man. He loved his unit or his family as he called them, and considering half of them were his family I'm not surprised ..." Again more sombre laughter came from everyone especially the Special Victims Unit. "... But more importantly he loved his real family, he adored and worshiped them and lived for them, he sadly lost his wife a few days before his own life was cut short. As an officer, you expect often enough to be killed in the line of duty and have a short life, though that is not what happened here his death was still tragic and sudden and unexpected. As a Captain, he liked to get results, he wanted to catch sex offenders, child molesters and what many of us would call monsters, none of us know how he did it for so long but something tells me it has something to do with the very heavily pregnant yet beautiful young woman sat here who he called a daughter ..."
Olivia's heart swelled as the tears continued to cascade down her cheeks, she knew she wouldn't be able to escape this and she knew ever speech was going to mention her relationship in some way but it didn't stop it hurting and feeling like a stab wound every time.
"...I feel privileged to stand here today and talk about him, he was truly an amazing officer with numerous commendations, awards and medals way too many to even begin mentioning but none of it mattered to him unless he got results and with his team of four or the fantastic four as they are known across the NYPD Olivia Cragen, Elliot Stabler, Odafin Tutuola and John Munch. Now I would like to invite Detective John Munch from Manhattan Special Victims Unit to speak on behalf of the squad."
The Commissioner stepped down and John stepped up. First though Olivia had to stand to accept and embrace and condolences from her superior and she was surprised to find his embrace lasting quite a while he muttered words of comfort and support into her ear and it worked it calmed her down a little which surprised everyone.
Once he walked away a very old looking John Munch stood in front of the microphone, he was going to read a speech that the fantastic four had written together saying what they would have said had the four of them still been Don's Detectives. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot, his creased skin amplified making him look much older than Olivia last remembered, but in saying that, she was sure she looked twenty years older now too.
"Thank You Commissioner. This speech was written by those of us known as the Fantastic Four, we still laugh at that, actually while we were writing this speech we remembered back to the first time Captain Cragen told us we'd been nicknamed that, it was the morning after a policeman's ball and our unit had gotten an award for highest case closure rate in the entire NYPD for the year and we were all extremely proud of ourselves. Captain Cragen was giving us a speech about how proud he was of us and then he mentioned that someone had called us fantastic four and that was it, we all started running around calling each other by superhero names and this lasted the entire day, it's one day that we remember spending laughing in our squad room and not crying over victims. While we were writing this speech we listened to the songs that will be played today, we talked, we laughed and we cried over our fallen commanding officer, he was a great man and the four of us feel so honoured to have been able to be a part of his legendary team and I know you'll all agree with me that his team was and is legendary. I'm sure many of you here have your own stories to tell of the wonderful man that Don Cragen was. One we discussed while writing this was his wedding day, none of us who worked for him except his daughter can remember him ever looking so happy and in love, and he did, if you were lucky enough to be a guest at that wedding you witnessed the love that emulated from his eyes and heart that day. We remembered his granddaughter's Melissa's sixth birthday and how he almost put his back out spinning her around the dance floor enjoying the squeals of delight echoing from her lips. Fin or Detective Tutuola and I told Olivia and Elliot about the moments after she had told us she was pregnant with Nicole and we found out about her and Elliot's relationship and about his relationship with Anne, it was a shock but after the heartache that had been in the precinct from the death of Cole Jeffries we were all so happy to see the happiness, the pride in his eyes when his grandchildren were born, we feel so honoured to have been a part of that because as much as Captain Cragen was our CO, Don was our friend, he was a father figure to us and no one could ever replace him that's why we feel privileged that his daughter is the one that has taken over the unit because no one else could do it, no one but Olivia could run the squad the way Don did it. There's not much else for us to say except that Don, you are already sorely missed by each and every person who ever worked under your command, and the world, our world, will never be the same without you in it. I'd now like to invite Captain Olivia Cragen from Manhattan's Special Victims Unit, the Daughter of Captain Donald Cragen up here." Munch finished and headed to meet Olivia who was being helped to her feet by Elliot.
"Thank you." She whispered into John's ear as he embraced her.
"You can do this Liv, ok, for Dad." He whispered into her ear before kissing her cheek.
"For Dad." She replied before letting him go and taking the agonizingly slow walk up to the podium and facing the sea of blue that was the congregation.
"First, I'd like to say thank you all so much for coming, I'm sure my Father would be as shocked as I am at the respect and loyalty shown to him here today." Olivia turned away and cleared her throat as she wiped at her cheeks trying to hide the telling tear tracks.
"My Dad is and always will be my Hero." That was all she could say before the tears began to flow down her cheeks but she glanced over at her family and nodded at Elliot a push for her to carry on.
"The things he achieved throughout his career are only a small factor that contributes to that. The man you knew as Captain Cragen I knew as Dad. He's the man who gave me away at my wedding after giving his blessing for me to marry my partner of ten years, The man who held my hand when I gave birth to my first biological daughter and subsequently held my hand when I gave birth to two sets of twins and the reality of the matter is that I am twenty nine weeks pregnant and he isn't going to be with me next time, he's not going to be in the delivery room to meet his grandson." The tears cascaded harder down Olivia's cheeks and the impending sob she was holding back audibly trying to break free in her voice.
"And the fact of that matter is that I will grieve for my dad every single day for the rest of my life, if I thought his actions and words meant something before they mean even more now because every action and every word has been, there will be no more sitting in the warm library talking about how cruel the world can be. There will be no more cuddling on the couch watching a movie because we've had a tough day. There will be no more memories created only memories remembered. I will never be able to forget you Dad; I will never be able to go a day without thinking about you, without remembering you." Her knees vibrated and she knew they were going to give way, she glanced over at Elliot pleading with him to help her and her prayers were answered when Fin and he rushed over to her.
They linked arms with her and clutched her hands so any weight she couldn't hold onto would lay on them and she would at least stay upright.
"You can do this Liv." Fin whispered softly and she nodded as her face screwed up with cries that she wasn't ready to let go of yet.
"I received a letter from my Dad, he wrote it when he adopted me but I only received it a few days ago, he said in it he was proud to call me his daughter and I couldn't understand why but I do know and understand why I am proud to call him my father." Olivia's voice was ebbed with unvoiced cries and everyone in the congregation knew it wouldn't be long before they were set free, they hoped that she could get through this because everyone was witnessing a daughter's heartache and there wasn't a single dry eye in the room as she spoke.
"He will always have an important place in my life and in my heart and nothing will ever be able to fill the hole that has been left by losing you and I am so sorry, I am sorry that I didn't realise how bad things had gotten, I am sorry that I didn't make you get help when I knew the problem was there. I love you Dad, I love you more than you will ever know, you changed me so much, you influenced my life more than I could even begin to explain and while so many people are here for a dedicated loyal police officer I am here for the man who gave me my life, it wouldn't be this way if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have my husband, my kids, my friends, none of this would be mine if you hadn't had faith in me all those years ago and I will always, always be thankful for that Dad, you gave me a chance and I took it, I will always be thankful and grateful to you, My best friend, My Hero, My Dad." Olivia's voice was frenzied now, her panic and fear etched into every syllable to the point George rushed from his seat and over to her knowing that if someone didn't help her now she wasn't going to make it through the rest of the speech let alone the rest of the funeral.
"Liv take a deep breath." He told her as Fin and Elliot moved her back from the moment from the microphone.
"I can't ..." She croaked and it was loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. "I want my Dad!" She sobbed and no longer could Elliot and Fin hold her up.
They gently lowered her to her knees where she collapsed sobbing into Elliot's arms. He held her, his own tears cascading down his cheeks at his wife's heartache.
"I need ... I need my Daddy ..." She hiccupped her body wracked with sobs in her husband's arms who was looking at George pleadingly.
"Olivia do you want to go sit down?" Huang whispered as he stroked her hair softly having learned from both Elliot and Don that it was the easiest way to calm Olivia down.
"No I want ... I need to ... I need to finish..." She hiccupped the sobs subsiding slowly.
"We'll help you." He promised as they all helped her to her feet, the tears still streaming and the hiccups still audible but it was obvious that she was determined to get through this no matter what.
Her bangs glued to her sweat filled forehead and other pieces of hair attached to her sodden cheeks but she didn't care about how she looked. With Fin and Elliot holding around her tight and George clutching her hand she was determined to make it through the rest of the speech.
Olivia closed her eyes for a minute to try and compose herself once more before continuing. "I was online a few days ago, looking for some ideas for what to say here today, until I was reminded that whatever I said today should come from the heart, but I found this and I knew I had to read it to you.
"Daddy, I'm not ready to say goodbye,
So long, ta-ra or farewell.
This moment has come far too soon
And it makes me want to yell"
It was obvious to everyone that Olivia's composure was hanging on by a thread but everyone felt a new found respect towards her and her determination to get through this.
Daddy, I will miss you
Now that you're gone.
Without you by my side,
I don't think I can be strong.
Her voice cracked on the last line and she felt George's hand squeeze her own as a reminder that he was there for her.
Daddy, For so long you've been there
Helping me through times tough,
But now that you're not here
Everything looks rough.
Daddy, I know you're in heaven now
Watching over me
My children and my husband
My entire family
She looked at her sobbing children and her heart ached even more and as a sob passed her lips she breathed deeply hoping she could make it to the end.
Daddy, I never imagined this day
When I would stand at your grave
Having to say goodbye
And pretend to be brave
As she spoke this verse her voice was barely a hoarse whisper but the deafening silence in the room made it audible for all and it broke their hearts just that little bit more
Daddy, you're my best friend
And I can't think clear without you
I'll always be your princess
And you'll always be my hero
Huang bowed his head as the tears chucked down his cheeks, he'd heard Don cry and call Olivia his princess so many times that it hurt to hear her say that she'd always be his princess.
Daddy, I'm not ready to say goodbye,
So long, ta-ra or farewell.
But now the time has come
And I promise ... I won't yell.
She barely made it as she spoke the last three lines in a soft whimper her knees finally gave way and she fell sobbing hysterically onto the floor. Melinda could see that Olivia was hypervenalating and with George sobbing himself she knew she had to help. She ran from her seat beside Casey and knelt down in front of Olivia.
"Look at me Liv." She said softly. "That's it look at me and breath in one, two, three and out ..." Olivia's out breath was a loud sob cracking more and more at the spectators hearts.
Huang who had composed himself was holding Olivia's wrist and looking at his watch counting in his head as Melinda continued to breath and Elliot held around his wife kissing her head as she tried to regain herself but the panic attack just seemed to be getting worse. Melinda looked at Huang who shook his head to show that Olivia wasn't calming down any time soon, she'd bought the whole service to a complete standstill.
"Liv I need you to breathe if we don't get your breathing controlled in the next two minutes I'm calling a bus." Melinda explained and she nodded as she took a shaky inhale.
It took nearly five minutes to get Olivia's breathing under control for her to be carried by Elliot to her seat. She stayed in his arms as Melissa walked up to the podium with her poem.
"Me, Nikki, Lexi and Lili wrote this from us and Ali and Eli for Granddad." She explained as she wiped her own tears from her chocolate eyes.
After a heart wrenching poem written by the kids it was time for the photo montage.
The music began to play and everyone stared at the wall where the projector played the film, his dress blues photo with the year of his date of birth and date of birth shone as the introduction to the song played.
He called her on the phone
From a lonely cold hotel room
Just to hear her say I love you
One more time
The first few photos were ones they'd managed to dig up from Don's early days as a cop, when he was in uniform and then a Detective, photo's Olivia didn't even know existed until now.
When he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
Next were pictures of him as Captain of SVU, at press announcements, from the paper, at policeman's balls, receiving and giving commendations, each one with its own memory especially to the fantastic four who could remember the memories behind these photographs.
A little voice came on the phone
Saying Daddy when you coming home
He said the first thing that came to his mind
As the three lines most important to Olivia played it showed a series of photos of her and Don when she first started at the unit, some taken at parties, some taken in the squad room, some taken when he'd given her commendations, one of her first ever commendation and the smiles on both their faces filled the screen, filled the hearts of those watching as the pride etched in both of their faces, some of the people in the congregation didn't know she was adopted and just saw typical fatherly pride but those who did know saw a relationship of a father and daughter just beginning to grow into what it became.
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know
I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there
As the chorus played later photos showed but still of him as Captain and before Olivia's adoption but she could see the aging in him, it looked strange because she couldn't remember him looking that young, she thought he never changed in all the years but of course sixteen years did change a person in so many ways.
She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you darling
Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright
The pictures now arrived at ones of Don and Anne and the tears flooded down Olivia's cheeks yet she couldn't look away, her vision was just clear enough for her to see.
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
They were now on wedding photos of Don and Anne and the tears and sobs from Olivia came harder and harder, she could remember how happy they had been on that day, she remembered walking her mother down the aisle to a beaming Don Cragen who she had never seen so happy, not until the day she married Elliot.
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light
And close your eyes
Photos of her kissing her father, her mother kissing her father, Melissa kissing him and then one of him the day Nicole was born kissing her head tenderly. It tugged on everyone's heart strings.
I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there
Pictures of her wedding day, walking down the aisle arm in arm with a teary but happy Don Cragen, picture of him hand her hand over to Elliot, picture of their father daughter dance. At that moment she would have given anything to share just one more moment like that with her father and as a sob echoed from her throat everyone in the church knew that too.
We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are
She shook with wracked sobs as more family photos were shown, birthdays, Christmases, parties, NYPD balls and celebrations.
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there
Only photos of Olivia and Don played now, from over the years they'd had together and it broke her heart even more
Oh I'm already there.
On the last line one consistent photo showed of Don kissing Olivia on the cheek and Olivia grinning like a Cheshire Cat and beneath it she read.
"Remember me as the man who loved you regardless, All my love Princess, Dad." With the finalized adoption date beneath it.
That was it, the words that had finished his letter had Olivia broken, she trembled in the seat she'd taken back halfway through the song, her hands gripped tight to the edge turning her knuckles white and as the priest retook the podium to close the service she wasn't listening, she was sobbing silently, her body vibrating with the cries.
As the Priest ended the service Elliot, Munch and Fin hurried off to pick up the coffin and Olivia passed the blue NYPD flag to Melissa who clutched it tight because soon The Commissioner would be passing her the flag that had been on his coffin for the last four days.
Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone echoed as the pictures were moved and the coffin took its final journey. Olivia filed in behind it as she held tight to Nicole's hand while George helped support her from the other side. Her legs felt like Jello but she was determined to walk.
Once outside into the open air the coffin was held in placed and all the officers from the funeral lined up with yells from The Commissioner. Then there was nothing but the wind as they fell into a minute's silence.
Olivia trembled against George as she struggled to stand and he squeezed her hand gently as he tried his best to be there for her in the way Don had asked him too in a privet conversation the day before his death.
After the silence a trumpet began to sound while the church bells rang, they walked slowly to the grave where he would lie with his wife for eternity.
The service continued by the grave and as soon as it was done Olivia stood trying to keep her composure as the horn sounded again. All the officers saluted including Olivia, she wasn't going to disappoint her father even if she was grieving, she was doing what she knew he would expect from her. Even though her body was shaking with sobs she kept her hand in place, her eyes shut tight trying to regain some composure.
As Amazing Grace began to sound and the salutes were lowered Olivia watched as the flag was taken and Elliot and The Commissioner folded it in perfect tandem, it was almost beautiful.
She felt proud of Elliot as he folded the corners of the flag, in the way he'd been taught many years ago she was surprised he remembered how exactly to do it but he was while the commissioner held the other side tight in his hand.
Once the folding was complete Olivia watched as the Commissioner saluted and then Elliot passed the flag over to him before he saluted, it was heart wrenching knowing what this meant.
The Commissioner walked to her with the flag and she breathed deeply. He stood in front of her and looked into her pain filled eyes.
"Your Father did his duty, to America, to the NYPD and to his family, his work here is done. Olivia he's proud of you, he always will be, take this flag and remember him." The Commissioner spoke with such softness Olivia was almost taken aback but as he handed her the flag she closed her eyes and allowed the tears to fall silently down her face.
The Commissioner saluted once more and turned and left and the trumpet sounded for the last time as the coffin was finally lowered to the ground.
The people at the graveside left slowly to go to the hotel but Olivia felt paralyzed to the spot. She held the flag close to her chest as she shook with silent sobs. This was the worst pain she'd ever felt in her entire life and she couldn't hide that.
"Liv?" Elliot whispered softly.
"Where are the kids?" She asked snapping out of their thoughts.
"Alex and Casey have already gone with Melinda and George to the hotel." He replied and she noticed that it was only herself, Fin, Munch and Elliot standing at the grave now.
She slipped her hand into Elliot's who slipped his into Munch's and Munch into Fin and they peered down at the pine box in the six foot hole. Each of them lost in their own privet thoughts of the man who'd commanded them for more than sixteen years. Silent tears slipped down their cheeks as they sent up silent prayers of goodbye before they turned around changed hands and walked away together.
I know it was long and I don't know if any of that flag thing was right with the NYPD I mean I know they do it but I don't know if I did it right but yano you get the picture, I hope you're not all sobbing too much *cough cough* DeLene *Cough Cough* anyway this story isn't over!
Still to come – Olivia deals with her grief with a little bit of help from a Gay Psychiatrist (yes I am turning George into a very privet very feminine gay man that he only lets come out when he isn't working and he's going to be based on my gay best friend. Then Olivia still has to face the Morris Commission and despite the fact they know the heart ache she'd been through they're still not going to go easy on them and the detectives of the one six get grief counselling on one day and sex therapy on another, so loads more to come!