Chapter 18

Sorry for those of you who found the previous chapter difficult to read it wasn't easy to write, I'm not a sadist who finds dying pleasurable or anything like that I swear! LOL!

SONGS – SIMPLE PLAN I don't own them copyright to whomever owns it, good band you should give them a listen I hadn't heard any of their songs till writing the previous chapter and I have now listened to almost every song I could find on youtube!

Song 1 – Astronaut

Ritz Hotel, Manhattan, New York

Friday, December 12th 2015

1.13 pm

As per Olivia's request the Simple Plan CD was playing in the background quietly. She'd requested it because her father loved the band and it was what they listened too when they were together, it's what he listened to at ten at night in his office filling paper work while she complained she was bored and ate away at his liquorish wands.

An anybody here me?

Or am I talking to myself?

She stood on her own now. Staring at the photograph of him in his dress blues with the NYPD flag draped loosely on the side.

My mind is running empty

In this search for someone else

Who doesn't look right through me

It's all just like static in my head

It was hard to see. It was a symbol that he had gone, that his duty was done. What about his duty to me? His promise to me? She knew she sounded selfish but she didn't care, she wanted no needed her father back.

Can anybody tell me why?

I'm lonely like a satellite?

As the song filtered into her head so did her father's voice. "You'll never be alone with a heart like yours."

Yet she felt alone now. She'd never felt more alone in her entire life.

Coz tonight I'm feeling like an Astronaut

Sending SOS from this tiny box

And I lost all signal when I lifted off

And I'm stuck out here and the world forgot

Can I please come down?

Coz I'm tired of drifting round and round

Can I please come down?

In her head memories played but they weren't ones of her and her family, they were of her more than nine years ago, before she'd even met Cole Jeffries, memories of lonely tear filled nights after hard cases in her apartment all alone with no one to talk to, she felt lonely then but she felt lonelier now.

"Olivia?"

She almost jumped out of her skin as a hand gently brushed her shoulder.

"Ed? Sorry you scared me." She laughed weakly as her heart rate slowed to normal.

"Sorry." He grimaced but gave her a reassuring smile after. "How are you?" He asked softly.

"I'm ok." She said turning back to the photograph.

"He was a great man Olivia." Ed told her as he stood by her side and looked at the photograph.

"Yeah he was." Olivia nodded in agreement, Ed didn't know how great he was too Olivia.

"The amount of times he covered for you and Elliot is shocking." He chuckled and Olivia even cracked a gentle smile. "But that's not all that made him a great man Olivia, he loved you very much even before he adopted you."

"I know, I loved him too, I was watching the pictures and seeing the photos from fifteen years ago... we had a relationship beyond Captain and Detective even then." She sighed softly and wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

"You were his world, you, his wife and your children were everything, he didn't want to retire when he did because he wanted to continue making the world safe for you and the children." Ed told her softly.

"If he hadn't retired maybe he'd be alive today." Olivia whispered weakly.

"You can't think of the what if's Olivia, they don't change what happened." He whispered just as a tray of soft drinks came past, Olivia had requested no alcohol be served on trays only at the bar.

Ed grabbed them a drink each and once Olivia took it in her free hand he lead her to the lobby where there were some arm chairs in the corner that were empty.

"You shouldn't be on your feet to long with the baby." He told her and she nodded gratefully, it was hard to see Ed Tucker as the same person who tried to destroy her career once upon a time was the same man sitting in front of her.

"We've changed our minds on the baby name." She told him as she stroked her hand along her stomach.

"Go on?" He smiled.

"Donald Andrew but we're going to call him Donny." She smiled.

"That's a lovely name." He smiled at her glad to see her talking about something happier.

"I had reservations about calling him Donald, but Donny is sweet and when he's older he can cut it to just Don." She said tearfully.

"Liv?" He asked gently knowing there was something else going around her mind.

"He was there every time." She croaked.

"Every time what?" He asked not understanding.

"Every time I gave birth, he held my hand when Nicole was born, it wasn't planned but I was so scared and when he came in with Mom to just let me know they'd arrived I grabbed his hand and I couldn't let go. When I was pregnant with Alexandra and Liliana he came to the Lamaze classes with me and Elliot because he wanted to make sure he knew what he was doing when the time came and he was there when Alex Cabot delivered the first and he was there when the EMT's delivered the second and he held Liliana in one arm and my hand in his other the whole way to the hospital. With Alyah and Elysah everything went wrong and I fell off a ladder and was put on mandatory bed rest and he was there when my babies were born via c section reassuring me that everything had gone alright and that the girls were beautiful and alive." She sniffed hard as the tears cascaded down her cheeks. "He's not going to be there this time."

"No Olivia, he might not be there in person." He knelt down in front of her and held her hand tight. "But he'll be in here." He pressed her hand just above her breast to signal her heart and a sob escaped her throat.

He didn't care who saw as he pulled her shaking figure into his own in a comforting embrace. He gently stroked her back as she tried to compose herself.

"He'll be watching over you Olivia, making sure everything is alright for you and your little boy." He whispered into her ear as he rocked her gently. "His body won't be there with you in the delivery room but his soul will be."

"I know but I just miss him so much." She cried weakly just as Elliot walked over.

His eyes connected with Ed's and they shared a nod, Elliot was relieved someone was holding his wife because she wasn't talking with him, she wasn't telling him her fears, her sadness and having anyone comfort her was better than no one.

"Liv?" He whispered gently and she looked at him from Ed's shoulder.

"I can't do this El." She whispered.

"I know baby." He whispered as he stroked his hand through her hair as she held tight to Ed trying to will herself to stop crying.

"I need some air." She finally said feeling herself becoming a little too closed in.

She removed herself from Tucker's arms and kissed Elliot's lips tenderly.

"I love you." She told him as she peered into his blue eyes, that was her way of apologising to him that she was the way she was right now because she knew had she apologised he'd brush it off.

"I love you too Liv." He whispered before she walked off her hands resting on her bump as she headed for the door way.

"She'll be ok." Ed said as he sat back down on one arm chair and Elliot took the one Liv had occupied.

"I know. She's strong but she needs to let go first, she doesn't want to breakdown, she doesn't want to feel the pain so she's blocking it out. Once she's cried properly and let it all out she'll start to heal." Elliot said having heard so many people say it recently he knew it was true.

"Exactly." Ed nodded as he sipped at his drink.

"I just hate seeing her like this you know, we're all grieving for Don and it's like she's scared of hurting us anymore and so she won't talk to us, she's opening up more to people like you who isn't hurting as much." Elliot explained.

"Well I'm glad I'm of some use." Ed smiled gently.

"Thanks Ed, for holding her like that, she's barely let me touch her since he died." He explained.

"She's an amazing woman Stabler, why do you think I voted her for Captain." He smirked as Elliot's jaw fell open.

"You voted for her? I thought you'd have chosen Munch." Elliot said in shock.

"No, Don had a heart of gold Stabler, he felt every case hit him and you need someone like that running SVU, no one will ever do it the way Olivia will." Ed explained with a soft smile on his face and Elliot was in the same position as Olivia, wondering who this man sat in front of him was because it wasn't the lieutenant that had tried to get them split up as partners six years before.

"You know you're a good man Ed." Elliot told him. "I never thought I'd hear myself say those words." Both men chuckled.

"I just hope Olivia can grieve soon and be herself again." Ed sighed.

"She'll never be the old Olivia again without Don in her life, she worshiped the ground he walked on." Elliot sighed heavily. "She really was Daddy's little Princess."

The Ritz, Manhattan, New York

Friday, December 12th 2015

1.49 pm

As Olivia stepped outside into the bitter cold air with the flag from the coffin held to her chest she sniffed hard before she let a sob escape.

Hey Dad, Look at me

Think back and talk to me

Did I grow up according to plan

Another Simple Plan song echoed from the conference room that the wake was being held in and she listened as the words hit her heart.

And do you think I'm wasting my time

Doing things I wanna do

But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it

I just wanna make you proud

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

Can't pretend that I'm alright

A memory attached itself to this song. Another night late in the precinct when Olivia had been pregnant with Alexandra and Liliana, she and Don had been filling out some DD5's in his office and this song had been playing and as she had listened to it she had looked at the man in front of her and wondered how the song attached itself to him and her.

And you can't change me

Cause we've lost it all

Nothing lasts forever

Sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just to late

And we can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

The next time they'd listened to it, she'd secretly learned the words and was dancing around the office singing it much to Don's amazement as he loved Olivia's singing voice and as the song had finished he'd told her that she was most definitely good enough for him and that he didn't disapprove and was proud of her in so many ways.

He'd reassured her that the lyrics meant nothing in their relationship and that it was just a song. But now stood here unable to tell him anything or here him reassure her in any way she thought the words were just right. They had lost it all and nothing did last forever, his death proved that as her happiness had gone with him a piece of her heart had gone to his grave with him. And it as too late, too late to tell him he was sorry, not just about not being perfect but sorry that she'd ruined his life, sorry that they couldn't go back and change anything, sorry that she hadn't stripped the cabinets of alcohol that night, sorry she hadn't taken him home and watched him so he couldn't drink. She couldn't help but think his death was all her fault.

"You need to stop blaming yourself." George whispered and she just closed her eyes as another silent tear ran from her eye, she clutched tighter to the flag as he pulled her in and hugged her tight.

"I'm so sorry Olivia." He cried. "It's all my fault."

"No George, how could you even begin to think this is your fault?" Olivia asked.

"I should have made him go to rehab, I should have checked the kitchen cabinets before we left." He sobbed uncontrollably into her shoulder.

She rested her cheek against his head as her own tears slipped harder and faster.

"It's not your fault George, in no way are you to blame for this, I don't blame you in anyway so please don't blame yourself." She whispered.

"No but I blame me, I should have ..."

"No George, you did more than I ever expected you too, you spent the day with him, trying to talk some sense into him but you just couldn't." She cried hard.

No more words needed to be said between the friends. They just kept their arms tight around each other and sobbed every emotion they could possibly have coursing through their veins.

Ok so much shorter than the last chapter but because I want to move the story on a bit now.