He's not trying to sleep, but he wants to. He wants to take that gamble that he'll have a good dream, or with any luck not dream at all and just be able to skip a few hours of the world. The music isn't helping, but he feels it's necessary. Maybe if he hears something that convinces him, he'll want to fight back out of some petty reverse psychology squabble done to his own psyche.

It's not working though. Listening to this, he wishes he actually was falling into a dark abyss.

Leaned back in his office chair in the dark with the shade to the window drawn and the door only cracked, he holds his poorly bandaged hand down onto a melted icepack and takes the next in a long succession of heavy breaths. There's a weight sitting on his chest. Before this morning, it was just a tightening, a compressed spring, he just felt tension pulling at him when she wasn't awake. But now that she's awake... it's like a heavy weight just sits on his chest, wanting to push the life out of him. A weight of what, burden, remorse, longing maybe... mostly guilt, as if guessing at it made it any lighter.

He knows the way Josh was talking, the phrases he used to assert himself. There's no other reason he'd choose those words, and if he's anything like himself, he chose them carefully and planned out his opponent's reactions. But then again, that's probably why Kate's with him in the first place, the polar opposite of him so she doesn't have to be reminded of him in her free time. He doesn't know why him thinking that Josh's words didn't mean what they meant is a sign that she simply will never see him that way, but it's a connection drawn that he can't take back now.

Another car hitched onto the dreary train of thought that's been clanging through the tracks of his mind ever since he sat down.

The loop of the music restarts after another few minutes as he hears the door to the loft open, and with the pace and energy in the footsteps coming through it, he's relieved to know it's his daughter coming through the door. "Dad?"

His lips force a smile onto his features at the sound of her voice searching for him, but he doesn't have a voice of his own to answer. She'll find him quickly.

He hears the footsteps of his daughter stop just on the other side of the cracked door to his office and sees her faint outline pear her head inside. And at her presence entering the room, his eyes burn. "Dad?" She asks in a softer voice. She shimmies into his office and reaches over, clicking on the light. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, sweetie." He lies, his brain focusing briefly on drinking in the emotional swell of the music coming from his laptop.

"You new book just got released, so I know you're not trying to write." She says and crosses her arms, pursing her lips and raising her brow. "This has something to do with Beckett, doesn't it?"

The weight in his chest doubles, because it's so much more than that and he doesn't want to break it to her. Not again. "What makes you say that?" He weakly tries to defend himself.

"Dad, you've barely been home from the precinct in three weeks and now you're sitting in your office, in the dark, listening to... what are..." she trails off and quickly rounds his desk and turns his laptop to face her, "the Gandalf falls one hour video on Youtube? And..." she trails off again as her eyes find his bandaged and bloodied hand. Like a switch, her face screws together with concern and she leaning forward grabbing for it."Dad, what happened?"

He nods his head away from her and grimaces. "The stupid car window wouldn't move."

"Dad, you need to have a doctor look at-"

"A doctor is the reason," he talks over her, "I punched out the window to my car in the first place, Alexis."

It's then that Alexis realizes that she finally got him to admit what the problem is, and is more than eager to make her frustration known and vent it. "So it is about Beckett." She sighs quietly and leans against his desk in the space between him leaning back in his chair and the edge of his desk. "What happened, is she okay?"

All he can do is muster up a small nod. "Yeah, she's fine." He takes a pause while his daughter, well versed by his mother, waits him out. "She woke up today."

He doesn't want to get into this with his daughter. She can't see him this weak. He's supposed to be the one she leans on, not the opposite. "How's she feeling?" Alexis asks after another pause.

Rick sniffles a bit through congestion that isn't there, and tries to move his fingers. "Alexis, do you remember the first time your grandmother came to stay with us?"

Her brow pinches a bit in the center. "Before Chet, you mean?"

"Yeah... right after your mother left?"

"Yeah, I was just turning... five or six, I think." She searches through her memory a bit. "Yeah, I was five. She came to watch me while you had to go out of town on business."

His heart clenches underneath the immense weight sitting on top of it as he admits to his guilt and cowardice to his only daughter. "Alexis, it wasn't a business trip. After your mother divorced me, I was-" A complete failure, he bites back, not wanting to let her hear him talk about himself that way, "going through a rough time, and I didn't want you picking up on that and thinking it was your fault. I didn't want you growing up thinking that we got divorced because of something you did."

"Dad," she says in a tone that's trying to be comforting to him. "Why would I think that? Mom cheated on you, I know what happened."

"Alexis, it's not that simple." He achingly says, finally looking up to his daughter. "Look, the point is, sweetie, is that I was dealing with a lot of things that I didn't want you picking up on, so I left."

"Well," she tries, all of this news to her, "where'd you go?"

Rick shrugs his shoulders, "I didn't have a plan. I just... went to the departures at the airport, closed my eyes and... picked one. The next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Istambul. And after I landed I just, sort of... drifted. I don't remember staying in the same place for more than a few days. I ended up in the Philipines three months later and just decided that I missed my little girl too much to keep going, so I came home."

Alexis knows what he's saying, and can tell it's hard for him. But she can also tell when his mind is made up. "What happened with Beckett, Dad?"

His answer is quick and too rushed to hide his emotions on the subject. "I don't want to get into it, Alexis. Just understand that this-"

"Dad," she stops him, finally gaining his eyes again. "I understand."

He can't hold back the emotion burning in his eyes anymore. "I'm sorry I'm leaving, Alexis, but I have to do this. It's the only way I can-"

"Dad," she urges at him again, "Gram and I will be fine."

He looks away and nods before slowly standing up in front of her. "Alexis, I can't tell you how sorry I am for putting you through all this. With Beckett, me at the precinct, all of it."

Alexis just nods and shoves off his desk and falls into his torso, wrapping her arms around her father. Rick squeezes her tightly and lays his cheek down onto her head. "I love you, Daddy."

His heart breaks when her words hit him. "I love you too, pumpkin."

"Does Gram know?" She asks against his chest.

"No, she'll try to talk me out of it." He says, gently urging Alexis off of him.

"How long will you be gone?"

Rick pets his daughter's shoulders lovingly and gives her the most honest answer he can muster up. "I don't know."

Still... nothing.

It's not like checking her phone will somehow increase the chances it will actually ring the next time she looks at it. But the only time she isn't glued to checking it, it seems like, is when the doctors and nurses aren't poking and prodding her, or when she's asleep. The painkillers are wearing off quicker. She's always tired, always, and she hasn't even been able to get out of bed yet for more than five minutes. The first time he managed once to stand was when the doctors wanted to see where she was in the beginning steps of her recovery.

And it was hell.

Her entire body felt new to her, having to relearn even the simplest thing like standing up on two feet seemed a brand new task. And the pain...

Maybe it hasn't hit her yet, the gravity of what actually happened. It might be a hidden plus side of not being able to remember getting shot. She doesn't remember the pain, the gunshot, the bullet hitting her, none of it. It's like she just blacked out suddenly in the middle of her speech and woke up in this new world. Josh seems more clingy than ever, her dad seems more distant and nervous than ever, no one from the precinct can seem to look her in the eye for more than a few seconds, and Castle... he hasn't even bothered to call.

Kate pushes out another long sigh, leaving her phone forgotten for the next few moments before she reaches over to the side of the bed and grabs onto the bear and brings it to her lap. She's grown far more attached to this stuffed animal than he probably anticipated.

And after fighting temptation for only a second, she pinches the bear's hand.

"How do I... wait, like, now? Check one, is it... hello?" Her partner's voice says to her.

She misses him.

And right as the bear stops, the door opens. "Hey, sweetie." Her dad says in a low, monotone voice.

"Hey," she answers simply.

"I just talked to the doctor, he said you're ready to be released."

She forces a smile and a nod as she moves the bear to her side and hugs it in between her side and her arm. "Great." She says in a low voice.

Her dad comes to stand next to her bedside with his hands meagerly tucked into his pockets. Rick hasn't been around since she woke up, and he was busy talking with her doctor to catch him when he was here. The bear would only come from Rick, and she's been attached to it more than her IV. He's never been good at these situations. "Your mother was always the one to handle these situations." He says to her honestly.

Kate eyes him with a small smile and shakes her head. "It's alright, Dad. I just want to go home."

"You know," he says and takes a small step toward her, "you don't have to finish your recovery at home, Katie." She pets her thumb across the soft fuzz of the bear tucked into her side and stays silent. "The cabin is open... it's safe, it's out of the way. I know how much you love it up there."

He hasn't called. His phone is going straight to voicemail, and at the rate she's leaving messages, his voicemail is going to be full by the time she gets to her dad's cabin. It's been four days and he hasn't even tried to get in touch with her. A part of her was excited to spend this much time in bed, getting to discuss the case and trade quips while building case theory with him, him getting in trouble touching the machines she's hooked to. And it's not like she can go track him down. He's... he's gone.

"Mom taught me how to swim up at that lake." The thought floats into her mind and it makes her dad smile a heavy smile. She's worried how he's dealing with all of this, but maybe spending time up at his cabin with him will make him feel better, and maybe her. She can always check back on Castle if he ever answers his phone. Castle would love the cabin.

"I'll go sign you out and we'll go pack, okay?"

Jim goes to leave and opens the door just as another doctor, dressed in scrubs, appears at the other side of the door. "Hey, Mr. Beckett."

"Josh," Jim nods simply and squeezes passed him and disappears down the hall.

"Hey," Josh greets her with a smile and quickly steps up to her bedside. She dodges his lips and cranes her neck to make his lips land on her hair as she squeezes the bear tucked under her arm. Something about this whole situation she's stuck in is making her not only think, but feel how short and fragile life is. "I remember you were getting released today. I came down to check on you."

"Yeah, my dad's signing the release papers now. We're going up to his cabin for my recovery." She says, getting straight to the point.

"Really? I thought..." he trails off, pulling up a chair behind him. "I thought that you were going to finish your recovery back at home."

"I just need to get out of the city for a while." She says, uninterest seeping into her system as the bear gets half buried in the sheets of her bed, away from Josh's peering gaze. But she knows he wants to say something. And she'd rather deal with it now instead of have it be on her mind all summer. "Something on your mind?" She prompts.

"The charity, they... they called me yesterday and they want me to go back to Haiti for the summer. I told them no because I wanted to stay here and help you with your recovery."

She pushes out another sigh and looks away, pinches a strand of fuzz on the bear tucked into her side, feeling a clench in her small heart. She wants to tell him to go, but a part of her... she told him, they agreed that they'd give it another shot. The charity has been calling wanting him to go back for some time. He's been here every day, checking on her, sitting with her.

"Don't go."

A dull sting runs up her spine when she sees him tense back a smile.

"I'm still going up to my dad's cabin, and I'm..." she sighs, rolling her eyes, "I'm really tired, but... you can come up and visit when you get the chance."

Josh breathes a sigh that seems to vent his anxiety as he leans forward toward her. "So..." he hesitates, "nothing has changed between us, has it?"

"We agreed we'd give it another shot, right?" She answers back, looking over at him with heavy eyes. "I don't see any reason why that should change. I just... I just need to get back on my feet, okay?"

His smile turns heavy as he stands and quickly leans in, pressing a kiss to her lips. She's tired, and it seems a chore, but she accepts and lets him kiss her for a quick moment before he stands back up. "Just call me if you ever want to talk."

"I will." She says halfheartedly and looks away as he goes for the door.

And once Josh is outside, her heart starts to feel squeezed. This is... this is her life now.

She gulps down past her heart lodged in her throat, quickly reaches over and pinches the bear's hand again. "How do I... wait, like, now? Check one, is it... hello?" His voice says to her. Holding the bear's hand in her fingers, she lets her eyes drift shut.

He smiles to the clerk at the desk as he adjusts the strap of his bag on his shoulder. The clerk, a young Asian girl, no older than twenty-five, smiles and blushes at him. "I'd like a room, please."

The girl smiles and begins typing. "Name?"

"Alex Rodgers," he tells her and adjusts his frameless, square-lensed glasses on the bridge of his nose.

"Standard?" He nods with another friendly smile. "How many nights?"

"Just three."

She smiles and clicks a few more keys on her keyboard and reaches for a card on her desk. "First time in Singapore?"

He pushes out a heavy sigh as he takes the card. "Just here on business."

A/N: Hey, you think reading that kiss was painful, try having to write it! Reviews were nice, keep letting me know. :)