"You know, she warned me about it." Rick says after a few steps of complete silence except for the wind blowing in his ears and the waves against the cliff face. "She warned me what it would do to her if I brought it up, but I just couldn't resist. I just had to keep pushing her. I told her we could do it, made her believe she was invincible. I believed her when she said that it was about getting justice for her mother."
Jack keeps the slow place next to his son and looks over to him as he sulks with his head hanging low. "What made you think differently?"
The back of Rick's eyes burn. He's met Jack here the past couple of days and he's been spewing every detail he can about his partnership with Kate. A long-held desire in his heart is being exploited, a desire to have fatherly guidance in his life. Jack's advice, philosophy, and wisdom is so much a stark contrast to his mother's off-handed, unsolicited, and more often unhelpful advice. Speaking to Jack, it's like speaking to a sage of himself.
Rick clenches his jaw tightly. "I went to her apartment one afternoon, the night before Montgomery was killed." His heart can barely take thinking about that night. Feeling the stomach-churning sadness, the heart clenching anger... it makes him physically sick to put himself back in that afternoon. "She wasn't letting up and the wolves weren't just in the house, they had already circled her and all they had to do was jump. I didn't want to see her get hurt and I thought I could get her to see that."
Jack just lets him get to it on his own, staying silent when he can. Rick's learned his way of getting things out of him and letting him see things for how they really are on his own. It sticks with you when you realize something on your own. Rick's learned over the past couple of days that Jack isn't beating him over the head senselessly with meaningless life advice quotes like some two-bit therapist. Slowly, he's getting him to ask himself why, to take blame where he should and take credit where he deserves.
"So I said that if she didn't care if she died, there were other people in her life who might not want to be put through that." A lot of good that did, he thinks to himself. "I thought I could get her to see that she'd be putting her dad and her boyfriend through exactly what her mother put her through."
"You still haven't answered my question, Richard." Jack says, putting his son back on track before he gets lost in his own guilt again.
Rich takes a shallow breath and shivers at the cold wind splashing against his face. "I realized that it wasn't about getting justice for her mother when all she did was deflect. I told her that it would the people who care about her don't want to see her get herself killed and she deflected it all back on me, saying that I was just..." He can't even bring himself to say it out loud, hearing how much of the truth it rings with.
"Just what, Richard?"
His eyes burn as her words stab him in the chest just like she's standing right in front of him, shooting him with them right now. "That I was just the class clown... using her life as my own personal jungle gym, using her past for my own amusement."
Jack nods to himself, giving his son a moment before he keeps pressing. "And that's what made you think differently?"
Rick blinks rapidly and sucks in a long breath in through his nose, rolling his slumped shoulders back before continuing. "I realized once she said that, that she wasn't after justice for her mother. She was just after a shield. Her mother's case has been a place for her to bury her head in so no one can ever get close to her. And once I realized that... I couldn't stop myself from being honest." He explains, the same frustration and rage bubbling back up inside of his chest as it did that afternoon. "I was just so damn frustrated with her. So I... I told her that she was just using her mother's murder as a place to hide, because she was too afraid to find out who she could be without it."
Jack keeps quiet as he takes a step off to the side and moves in front of the bench they neared as Richard was talking and takes a seat. Rick quickly falls down onto the familiar bench looking out onto the ocean and leans on his knees, hanging his head, silently reflecting for a moment.
"Every time I've decided to be completely honest with her, she's tried to throw me out of her life. And the one time I tell her the complete truth and tell her how I feel about her, I'm granted a good grace. The only reason I was probably allowed to see her at the hospital that day at all was because she didn't remember getting shot. I don't think she'd ever speak to me again if she knew the truth."
Rick hears Jack chuckle under his breath and watches out of the corner of his eye as he puts his leg on top of his knee and leans back. "You read Shakespeare, Richard?"
Too entrenched in his own heartache, Rick somewhat deflects and leans forward on his forearms resting on his knees and looks out to the ocean. "Not really, no."
"Truth is a dog we must to kennel. It must be whipped-"
"Be whipped out," Rick continues, talking over him, "while Lady Brach may sit by the fire and stink." He raddles off, uninterested but feeling Jack's eyes on him. Rick looks over his shoulder to him, seeing Jack look at him with a quirked brow and a slight smirk, the same exact look he'd give Alexis if she outsmarted him. "King Lear, I played the fool in high school."
Jack laughs softly. "You know what it means?"
"I didn't exactly take the part for the poetry, Jack." Rick bewails almost spitefully as he looks back down to the ocean over the cliff face.
"See, honesty isn't really an admired virtue, Richard." Jack explains. "People only like honesty if they like what you have to say."
Rick grits his teeth and shakes his head. He's falling into a deep well and any semblance of confidence seems to be at the top, taunting him by holding the rope and laughing.
"You flatter her, it may feel good to get that beautiful smile, maybe even a laugh if you're lucky. You eventually end up scared to do anything but flatter her because you're scared to death to have her know the truth. But you're smart enough to figure out by now that flattery is just a nicer way of lying to someone, Richard."
"But what if that's what she wants?" He asks, looking over his shoulder at Jack with a knot in his brow.
"Son, the only person who can tell you what she wants is her and until she tells you, that's a pointless question. You're only asking me that because you want me to tell you that you don't have to be honest with her because just giving her compliments and bringing her coffee doesn't have any consequences. But tell me, Richard, why can't you do that?"
"I can't do that because I care about her too much!" He replies loudly, locking eyes with Jack, who's just as calm and stoic as he always is.
Rick shakes his head on a sigh and throws himself back, leaning back on the bench. "You're a great man, Richard. But right now, it's pretty pointless to tell you that."
"Why?"
"Because right now," Jack says, looking over to him, "you wouldn't believe me."
It's dark in Manhattan, the city alive and noisy as she nervously makes her way through the entrance to his building and onto the elevator. Clad in a tight-fitting, but warm dark blue hoodie, jeans, and running shoes, with her hair still tied back into the same low loose ponytail she tied this morning before she left for work, she steps off the elevator onto the second floor. It's not late into the night and she knows she won't be turned away, or at least she hopes. She can't expect his family to completely absolve her of any blame in this situation, even if it was Josh that sacked all the blame onto his back.
She has spent the last few hours angry at two people, Josh and herself.
Josh for never once telling her that he talked to Castle, for going behind her back and spitting in the face of someone close to her. The only thing she can be proud of herself for doing is throwing him out before he tried to justify his treating her like a child and lying to her. She can only imagine what Josh really said to him that made Castle leave, but she knows it wasn't the truth. And that's what she has to live by now.
The truth. That's what's most important, she knows that now. She knows it's going to be hard, it's going to seem impossible sometimes, but she has to live by the truth. And the truth is Josh didn't send Castle away for her, but him. Josh wanted Castle out of her life for him, so he could be the only one having a shot at her, instead of Castle always hovering safely on the other side, kept close by under the guise of 'just partners'. But she knows now how she's felt.
And she hates herself now for not just putting Josh through a meaningless relationship simply to keep the person she loved at a distance. For all his selfish faults, Josh didn't deserve to be tricked into thinking he meant that much to her. But she hates herself most of all for putting Castle through her meaningless relationship with Josh. Putting the man she was so damn afraid to admit to being in love with for that long, making him watch her be with someone she knew wasn't right for her, ending their friendship when all he did was tell her the truth, that she was just afraid.
The only way she knows how to make it up to him is to show him the same care he showed her and tell him the truth.
She lost her sense as to what she wants out of life, what she wants her life to be and where she wants to take it. She doesn't know where her home is anymore. She's lost her home at the precinct and her place behind the badge. She may have lost every other constant thing that kept her tethered in her old life before all of these scars, but she knows now that there's one thing that she does want in her life, no matter the cost.
And it starts with a soft, trepidatious knock on his dark burgundy door.
After only a moment of heart-stopping anxiousness, she hears movement on the other side of the door just before it starts to open. Her hands nervously clasped in front of her, her breath catches when she sees the unmistakable flare of Alexis' red hair peeking out into the hallway.
Alexis seems stunned for a moment to see her, simply staring at her with a wide expression. "Beckett?"
Kate smiles a bright but small smile over to the teen, seeing the girl is in a casual outfit much matching her own of a pair of jeans, pink socks, and a Marlowe Prep sweatshirt. "Hi, Alexis."
"Uh..." Alexis is at a loss for words. Her mind is whirling, not knowing how to deal with the situation. It's between betraying her dad's trust, not knowing what her dad wants revealed, if anything. But she remembers also that despite everything, at the end of the day, her dad always stood by the fact that Beckett was a good person. "Hi." Alexis smiles.
Seeing the girls smile seems to lighten the twinge of anxiousness from Kate's system, seeing it as a safeguard against having the door slammed in her face.
"Um," Alexis struggles for a moment, looking around before stepping off to the side and opening the door fully with a smile, "come on in." She laughs.
Kate smiles with a nod and with her hands still clasped nervously in front of her, her hands wringing her thumb, she steps inside the loft and feels the warmth of his family setting slowly grace her. It sends a spark of hope that maybe he actually came home and just didn't tell her.
"So," Alexis begins as she shuts the door behind Kate, "how are you? I thought you'd still be recovering."
Kate stands motionless in the foyer of the loft with the same nervous smile she entered with and watches Alexis move around in front of her. "I'm good... actually." She nods. "I sped through my recovery pretty quick."
Alexis sends Kate a familiar looking warm smile. She clearly gets her smile from her father. Kate would know Castle's smile anywhere. "Well..." Alexis seems as nervous to start as Kate as she points behind her shoulder over to the kitchen, "did you want to stay for dinner? Gram and I were about to order-"
"Katherine?" An all too familiar voice beckons from the entrance to Castle's office.
Both Kate and Alexis turn to peer across the living room to see Martha stand at the threshold to Castle's office, clad in a dark blue silk robe reaching the floor and a surprised smile on her face. "Hi, Martha." Kate gives her a small wave.
But Martha is quick to move across the living room, making a quick beeline over to the foyer. "Oooh, Katherine!" Martha coos with outstretched arms. "Oh, come here you beautiful, gorgeous creature, you."
As soon as she's within her reach, Martha wraps her arms around Kate and envelopes her in a warm, motherly hug, swinging her from side to side lightly as she laughs happily. With the joy Martha's exuding, the happiness she's lighting the entire loft with, or maybe Kate's weakness to a familiar feeling motherly figure, Kate's anxiousness and nervousness seem to dissipate with each light swing Martha takes her for in the hug. And in no time, she finds herself putting her arms around Martha in return with a genuine smile.
"Oh, Katherine!" Martha coos again and puts her hands firmly on Kate's arms, smiling up at her. "Oh, dear, it is such a joy to see you."
"You too, Martha." Kate quietly replies, glancing at Alexis over Martha's shoulder and seeing her warmly smiling at the scene between the two.
Martha's eyes skirt about Kate for a moment before she sends her another smile. "Well, I'm afraid if you're looking for Richard, dear, he's-"
"Martha," Kate says firmly but gently, keeping a warm sincere smile on her face.
Martha stops with a bit of a raised brow and doesn't let Kate's arms go as she takes a moment to center herself, looking Martha in the eye.
"You don't have to pretend for my sake, okay?" Kate says. And as the words float in the air of the foyer around the three women, Martha's face soon falls from an expectant smile to a soft, warm gaze of understanding. "I know he's not here."
Martha rubs Kate's arms tenderly a few times and turns around to Alexis. "Alexis, dear, could you give us a minute?"
"Oh, no, Martha, you don't have to-"
"No, Beckett," Alexis stops her, "it's okay. I don't mind." She says and makes for the stairs.
Feeling a pang of guilt, watching the teen go up the stairs, away from the explanation as to why her father isn't here, she feels Martha soon usher her over to the couch. "Come, sit down, dear."
"Martha," Kate tries as they both sit down, facing each other closely. Martha keeps her tender smile over directed at Kate, and she can feel her heart tug again. She does and doesn't want to keep her guard up. She wants to be as truthful as she can, but she doesn't want to give in to the weakness of wanting her mother back and end up spewing out everything before either of them are ready. Kate takes a moment to gather her thoughts and her approach before giving Martha a small nod. "I can't tell you how sorry I am about all this."
"Oh, Katherine," Martha warmly waves her off, "it's not your fault, dear. Neither I nor Alexis put any of the blame on my son's globetrotting on you."
Kate nods firmly and looks down to the rug, gathering what courage she can for a bout of honesty. "I broke up with Josh this afternoon." Martha simply silently raises her brow in curiosity. "He admitted when I was telling him that he told Castle to leave."
"Katherine, Richard would not have left because Josh, or anyone else for that matter, told him to. Because," Martha sighs and shifts herself on the couch, "truth be told, this isn't the first time Richard has done this."
Kate's brow knits. "What do you mean?"
"It was just after that... awful harlot filed for divorce from Richard."
"Awful harlot?" Kate asks, briefly stopping the conversation.
"Richard's first wife. You'll forgive me if I don't want to utter her name in polite conversation, lest we risk opening a gate to the underworld." A laugh and bright smile shoot up onto Kate's face at Martha's crack at Meredith. "Richard was devastated at that women stepping out on him, and he put it all on himself. Soon after the divorce was finalized, he asked me to come and watch Alexis while he went away. He said he didn't want his five-year-old picking up on his devastation and thinking it was her fault. Richard left without another word and we didn't see him for another three months. So, Katherine, you mustn't place any blame for this on yourself."
Kate feels her heart lodged in her throat. Castle doesn't deserve as much heartache as he's had to suffer. "I have to find him, Martha."
She can tell Martha is hesitating to give her an answer. "I'm afraid I don't know where he is, dear. That day affected Richard more than he wants to admit and if he doesn't want to be found-"
"Martha?" Kate stops her, her heart not able to take any more of her being half-truthed for the sake of her feelings. Martha stops and looks back over to Katherine. "For two months, I've been in recovery with nothing but a stuffed bear with his voice in it and after two months, I've finally learned that my life is too short and too fragile to not be completely honest with myself." Hearing her admission, Martha's expectant brow soon melts into warm gentleness again. "So I'd appreciate it if you were completely honest with me too."
Martha smiles sadly and reaches over, taking Kate's hand in her's.
"I know how I feel about him, Martha." She admits, her heart pounding hard in her chest as she feels Martha's motherly gaze on her. Her eyes burn again as she feels the words rise up. "I'm in love with him. And I have to find him."
"Katherine..." Martha emotionally starts and pats Kate's hand softly, "if I knew where Richard was, rest assured, they would be the very next words out of my mouth. Richard left his phone in his office and we haven't heard from him since he left. He only told Alexis he was leaving the day he came home from the hospital."
"I need him in my life, Martha." Kate continues, her eyes starting to burn uncomfortably. "I walked away from my mother's murder, I quit my job this morning, I've been trying to figure out what I want my life to be for weeks and right now the only thing I know for sure is that I want him to be a part of it."
"Wait, Katherine," Martha seems to stop her with a knitted brow and her smile shifting into concern. "You resigned from the NYPD?"
"Suffice it to say," Kate resigns to just giving Martha a brief explanation, saving the full story for later, "I thought all I needed to do was go back to work and everything would be fine, but..."
"Ah," Martha says, waving her hand in the air, "but... you can never go home again, as the old saying goes."
Kate smiles, "Exactly."
"Well, dear," Martha gets back on track, "what will you do in the meantime? I mean, do you have any savings?"
"I'll be fine, Martha." Kate raises her hand.
"Oh, nonsense. Well," Martha says and squeezes Kate's hand, "you'll stay here."
"Oh no, Martha, I couldn't." Kate laughs.
"Nope, I don't want to hear any more of it." Martha demands and stands up, taking Kate's hand with her. Kate stands up, feeling no real way around this that doesn't involve outright rejecting the offer. "Richard has always treated you and your friends as family, and in just because Richard is not here does not mean we should treat you any different. You are practically family already, and besides," Martha rattles off, leaning in closer to Kate, "you are going through a time in your life where family is just what you need, trust me."
Martha soon is off, wagging her finger in the air as she sashays around the couch.
"A spirit as bright and vibrant as yours is just what this dreadful loft needs, anyway. I tell you," Martha stops at the island near the kitchen, looking down on the counter, "if only I learned to cook in my many years as a mother."
She may not have a home, she probably still is no closer to getting her partner back, but maybe Martha's right. Maybe this is what she needs, for now. So, with a smile, she moves into the kitchen. "If you get me some mayonnaise, some parmesan cheese, some chicken, and show me where you guys keep your spice rack, I think I can get you guys some home cooking."
A/N: Loved the response I got from the last chapter. I know this update took this long, wanted to take the day off and play guitar.