Chapter 32

Manhattan SVU, Manhattan, New York

Friday, January 17th 2016

11.21 am

Tired wasn't the word to describe how Olivia was feeling as she sat typing up yet another report of the Morris Commission. She knew with it being the new year it wouldn't be too long before they would begin reassigning and she didn't want to lose any of her Detectives however with John Munch on trial for Rape she was very close to having to hire yet another new Detective when they had been managing perfectly with just one new rookie to train.

A knock on the office door made her sigh, she really wasn't in the mood to see anyone but she yelled for them to come in anyway in case it was something on Munch's case.

"Olivia…"

"Mathew to what do I owe the pleasure?" She asked sounding bored.

"Uh well I thought I'd hand deliver you this." He said handing over a blue file and she groaned knowing exactly what it was.

"This couldn't have come at a worst time Mathew is there anyway …"

"No Olivia don't even ask me I've already been told I'm too close to SVU as it is." Mathew replied knowing Olivia wanted a continuance with SVU's report.

"Seriously Mathew I'm supposed to be on maternity leave, one of me Detectives is going to be on trial for a rape he didn't commit and … never mind but the point is the last thing I need is this on top of everything." Olivia explained dropping the file onto her desk.

"I know Olivia but it comes with that nice gold insignia and gold and silver laurels and crown shield you get to carry around." Mathew teased and Olivia chuckled softly.

"Great." She sighed. "Warn me Mathew do they have anything on me because if they ask me to leave I'll be handing in my papers." She warned and he chuckled.

"I don't know yet, I haven't looked over any of the files myself but Olivia no one will take this job other than you so unless the commission wants to be involved in the demolition of Manhattan's SVU they're going to keep you right where you are." Mathew explained and she smiled at him knowing that he was really being kind and reassuring.

"Well I guess seeing as I'm the only one holding this place together that I can take a few hours and go over these files and myself and the rookie can work these crap while Fin and Elliot work on Munch's case." Olivia sighed knowing that meant two hands less on Munch's case was a dangerous thing for him, they were holding his freedom in their hands.

"Olivia you really need to relax." Mathew smiled going over to the coffee machine that had not long brewed.

"What's that mean?" She replied with a chuckle, the truth was she hadn't relaxed in a long time.

"It means taking five minutes to put your feet up." He smiled. "And have a coffee." He added as he brought the steaming mug over to her.

"Thanks." She smiled taking the mug from him as he stood behind her.

"God Olivia you're so tense." He said as he rested his hands on her shoulders.

"Ugh tell me about it." She shrugged but then she instantly relaxed as his fingers began to massage her shoulders. "Oh that's nice." She sighed contently as he slowly worked his fingers into her aching muscles.

"I bet." He replied. "I don't think I have ever met anyone as tense as you Olivia."

"Yeah well… sorry could you stop?" She asked and Mathew stepped back.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I didn't mean anything by it."

"I know. You don't make me feel uncomfortable or anything but Elliot wouldn't like it as innocent as it is." Olivia replied gently, she knew she couldn't let whatever he was trying happen.

"I understand Olivia, I'm sorry." He replied taking a seat opposite her with his own coffee and gave her a reassuring smile as in to say no hard feelings.

"How is everything with Elliot Stabler?" Mathew asked and Olivia pushed out a huffed breath. "That bad huh?"

"No… we just don't agree with everything you saw us yesterday when it came to Melissa. We argued like that before we married and after … I just feel like we're drifting apart."

"It happens Olivia." Mathew said softly. "My marriage … we had three kids Lucas, Holly and Mathew Junior and our relationship just seemed to fail, it ended well, I seem my children every other weekend and I have half the holidays and we're still great friends."

"I've never lived my life without Elliot really, the past fifteen years he's been there and … I couldn't do any of this without him but since Ali and Eli were born … he's not the same man … maybe he is maybe it's me that's not the same." Olivia explained, she didn't know why but she felt quite comfortable talking with Mathew about her marriage.

"Sometimes Olivia, you just have to get out, you can do it and keep him as a partner and friend or try and work it out and if it doesn't and turns sour … well your husband's already been divorced once." Mathew replied, he knew he was able to be honest with her and that she wasn't freaked.

"I just think we need some time apart to get our heads together, I don't want a divorce that's the last thing I want but … I think our bad relationship is affecting my kids." Olivia explained heavily and she dropped her head into her hands feeling defeated again.

"Talk to him Olivia." Mathew said finishing off his coffee. "Talk quietly and calmly and come to an amicable decision."

Manhattan SVU, Manhattan, New York

Friday, January 17th 2016

12.01 pm

After Mathew left Olivia had tried reading through the file that had come from one pp for COM STAT but her mind was on the conversation she'd had with Commissioner Mathew Rockwell.

He was a great guy and she knew he fancied her, not only had he tried to kiss her but the way he'd touched her earlier, it's why she'd stopped him because she had been enjoying his touch which she shouldn't have, she was married.

Dropping her head into her hands she sighed heavily. She knew she needed to talk to Elliot, but she also knew he was going to blow a fuse. One thing she knew was that she couldn't talk to him here, the conversation had to take place at home.

She glanced through the window to where Elliot was typing at his desk, Nick and Fin were out chasing down a lead in the hopes of proving Munch's innocence.

Deciding that she was never going to get any work done without talking to her husband she went out into the bullpen.

"Hey you ok?" Elliot asked seeing a far off stressed look on his wife's face.

"Yeah are you?" Olivia asked casually slipping into the chair beside his desk.

"Yeah but you're not what's up?" He questioned carefully.

"Are you happy Elliot?" She asked diving straight in, Elliot knew straight away she was serious by how she called him Elliot and not El.

"What do you mean?" Elliot replied which gave her the answer.

"In our marriage El, are you happy?" She asked again.

"Why are you asking?" He said reaffirming that she knew the answer already.

"If you were you'd have said yes first." Olivia sighed running her hand through her hair.

"Liv what's this about?" Elliot asked.

"Us El, I don't want to argue, please that's not where I was going with this I just …"

"You just what Liv? You want a divorce?" He asked.

"No! No no, I just … we've drifted apart El and … we're not a couple anymore, not how we used to be." Olivia explained weakly and Elliot reached over and took her hand in his own.

"I know." He replied. "We've changed."

"Not in a good way." She shrugged.

"What do you want to do about it then Liv?" Elliot asked her gently.

"I don't know." She whispered her voice breaking.

"You've obviously thought about it." Elliot said. "Talk to me Liv, I won't freak out if that's what you're worried about."

"I think … with everything going on … I think we should try a separation." She whispered and Elliot felt his heart breaking inside his chest.

"Is this what you want?" He asked her weakly.

"No." She replied the tears stinging her eyes as she shook her head. "But I think it's what we need."

"Ok." He nodded. "But what about the kids, our home?" He asked gently.

"I don't know." She replied shaking her head. "I haven't thought it through El, I don't want us to end up hating each other and having a horrible divorce but I want to see if there's a relationship worth saving." She explained. "Let me just be your Captain and the mother of your kids for a while and see what happens."

"Ok, your old apartment, you still own it don't you?" He asked.

"Yeah." Olivia nodded, it was near empty all the furniture was still in storage.

"Ok well how about I go there for the week days and you take it weekends, we'll switch back and forth so that the kids get their own bed every night?" Elliot suggested.

"Ok." Olivia whispered as tears spilt down her cheeks.

"We'll figure this out Liv." He said before leaning in to kiss her. "Just remember…" He whispered as he pressed his forehead to hers. "I still love you."

"I love you too." She replied. "I'm going to… I'm going to head home, the keys for the apartment is on the rack in the house."

"Ok baby, leave it all to me just get your head together ok?" He whispered and she nodded before she kissed him again.

Cragen-Stabler residence, Manhattan, New York

Friday, January 17th 2016

2.36 pm

Olivia sat in the study with baby George and George Huang, she'd called him unsure whether she needed her best friend or a shrink but within five minutes of him arriving she knew she needed both.

"What have I done George?" Olivia asked shaking her head softly.

"What have you done Liv?" He asked gently.

"I asked my husband for a separation." Olivia said. "He didn't argue with me on it."

"Maybe he feels the same as you, that it may do you some good?" George suggested.

"I don't know." She said her heart breaking. "I don't think he loves me like he did when we married George."

"What do you mean?"

"When we got married George we were head over heels in love with each other, our relationship was still quite new and exciting and six kids and seven years later George … I don't even know I know he loves me but I don't think he's in love with me anymore." Olivia explained and George nodded softly.

"How are you feeling Olivia?" George asked.

"I haven't ever felt so down in my life." Olivia whispered with a tear dropping down her cheek.

"How long have you been feeling like this?" George continued and Olivia looked at her best friend then down at her sleeping baby.

"Since Georgie was born." She whispered. "And I hate myself for it."

George Huang left the couch he was on and knelt down in front of his best friend.

"Why didn't you tell me?" George asked as her best friend and resident shrink.

"Because … because I didn't want anyone to think that I didn't love my baby." She replied as more tears slipped down her cheeks.

"I know you do Liv, honestly I do." George replied.

"But I don't want him." She cried. "I just keep feeling like … like if he hadn't been born everything would be ok again."

"Liv you don't need me to tell you what's wrong but I do need you to let me help you." George told her and she looked down at him and nodded.

"Please." She pleaded.

"I will, I promise." George said and Olivia nodded.

"Call Elliot." She said and George nodded and hurried off to the phone wondering why he hadn't seen this before.

He should have seen it. Olivia may have been holding George a lot but she hadn't been the same with him as she had been with her daughters, even though she'd been tired with her girls but she'd gone out of her way to play with them, talk to them, communicate with them but with George she hadn't, she'd just hold him maybe stroke his cheek, it hadn't been anywhere near the type of love she'd shown her girls.

George explained everything to Elliot on the phone and he promised he was on his way, he should have known and he was furious with himself for being so distant from his wife that he didn't notice how sick she was.

He returned to the study to find that Olivia had put George in his bounce chair and she was watching the still snoozing baby intently.

"Ok?" He asked coming to sit on the couch opposite her.

"I feel so guilty." She whispered closing her eyes.

"I know." George nodded. "But it isn't your fault Olivia."

"That's what makes me feel worse it's because I know it isn't my fault George, I know it isn't but … I feel so hopeless." Olivia sighed falling back into the couch.

"Olivia, listen to me, you went through a traumatic time while you were pregnant and you had an extremely traumatic birth." George told her and she nodded. "First we get you on some drugs and we'll get you on therapy and you'll be back to your old self in no time Liv."

"I feel like I lost who I was." She said and he nodded, he didn't have much experience with postpartum but every time Olivia had been pregnant he'd refreshed his memory and researched except for when she was pregnant with George because they'd all been caught up with Don's passing.

"Ok." She said not arguing the fact he wanted to dose her up with drugs to help her recover.

"I'll go and sort out a prescription as soon as Elliot gets here ok?" He said and Olivia nodded and looked at her son with a heavy heart.

Ok so I am still not sure whether or not Munch is guilty, I haven't thought that far ahead yet lol sorry it's been a while since I updated this story too, it's been a tough one to write.