Chapter 34

Federal Plaza, Manhattan, New York

Saturday, January 18th 2016

10.03 am

George Huang had asked Olivia down to his office with baby George. He'd asked her to bring a baby blanket to as this was the start of therapy hoping to help her deal with the depression.

He was waiting for her arrival in his office, he'd specifically asked for George to be fully fed and changed before they arrived so that therapy wouldn't be interupted. He'd set up the couch by covering it in a plush thick comforter and closed all the blinds in the office making it really dark except for a small lamp in the corner.

The knock on his office door made him smile a little, this would have to be the first step in helping her get better.

"Hey Liv." He smiled as she walked in with baby George in his chair.

"Hey why is it so dark in here?" She asked as she walked in.

"I want to try something that helped women with postnatal, a psychologist who specialises in postpartum in Connecticut Eliza Berry, I called her and she told me the sooner I got it up and going the better." George replied and Olivia nodded nervously. "Don't be nervous Liv just go with it ok?"

"Uh ok." She replied.

"Ok I'm going to leave you alone to do this ok but I want you to take your top and bra off and strip Georgie down to his diaper, then climb onto the couch lay back with Georgie on his front on your chest and put the blanket over his back so it covers your top half and his back keeping him warm. I'll be back in ten minutes." George told her and she nodded feeling a little bit uncomfortable with what was about to happen.

Olivia waited until the door was shut and then quickly stripped Georgie down to his nappy before putting him back in his chair before quickly taking off her own t-shirt and bra. She lifted George into her arms and lay back in the couch before covering him with the blanket feeling her own skin against her baby boy's and watching the rise and fall of his body with her breath.

George knocked on the door and Olivia called for him to come back in and he smiled over at her as she was laying on the couch stroking her fingers down her son's spine.

"Ok?" He asked.

"Yeah but what is the point of this?" Olivia asked not understanding what George was trying to do with having her lying topless in his office.

"Postpartum depression causes the Mom that's you to detach from the baby that's Georgie. To stop that happening there has to be someone, that's me, to help with bonding process, when Georgie was born you missed out on the instant holding that you got with every other child because you couldn't hold him straight away and then you had to be treated for the injuries sustained in the crash so it was a good few hours between giving birth and finally holding your son. We're going to try and build the connection you should have gotten in the few crucial minutes after he was born."

"Ok but how does that have me lying topless with my near naked son on the couch of your office?" Olivia asked her eyes fixed firmly on the doctor.

"Skin to skin bonding." George replied as he brought his desk chair over to the side of the couch. "Are you warm enough?"

"Yeah." Olivia nodded before kissing her son's head softly and George Huang's heart swelled a little, it was obvious Olivia was trying.

"Ok now I want you to hold Georgie under the blanket so he can feel your hands on his back, the more frequent you touch George the quicker he will begin to recognise your touch, soon he'll be able to tell the difference between your touch and Elliot's and it will continue to develop and grow." George said and carefully Olivia slipped one hand under the blanket and then other.

"Ok?" She asked sighing softly.

"Yeah now relax your head back and close your eyes." George said and Olivia adjusted herself and closed her eyes breathing deeply.

"Good now I want you to continue to stroke George, relax into his touch as much as he relaxes into yours."

Olivia took another deep breath and felt her son adjust to her touch and it actually brought a little smile to her face.

"Good now I want you to think back to when you held him first in the hospital." George said and Olivia rolled her lips as she thought of the moment George was placed in her arms, the look on Elliot's face as he looked at his wife and son and the instant love and connection she had felt to her family as a whole.

"That's it." George whispered as he saw Olivia relax more and more into Georgie's touch.

George sat back and just watched as Olivia thought back to the day George was born, he let her mind rule the memory and didn't interrupt it any further. In minutes both Olivia and Georgie's breathing evened out and George could just smile, this was step one into helping Olivia.

He watched her for an hour, giving her body a time to rest but rather than waking her he gently shook baby George just so the baby would move and watched Olivia stir and react to the baby. Olivia woke up with a smile on her face.

"Hey baby boy." Olivia said softly as she ran finger down her son's cheek. "How long was I sleeping?" She asked turning to George.

"An hour." George replied. "I'll leave you to dress but don't dress George because I want to teach you something else, these are all things you can do at home ok?"

"Fine." Olivia smiled as she rubbed her cheek into son's head and George left with a smile if this was something she'd continue to do on her own time at home she would soon be fully bonded with her son.

Olivia placed baby George in his chair so she could change but she kept looking over at him and pulling faces making him smile awkwardly which in turn made her laugh. Once dressed she opened the office door and George came back in with a bottle of baby lotion.

"Ok that's creepy." Olivia laughed as he shook the bottle.

"It's for baby massage." George chuckled.

"Ok." Olivia nodded as George opened the blinds and let the natural sunlight into the room.

"Lay George down on his blanket on the floor." George said and Olivia did as he asked. "Now take the lotion and warm it up in your hands then rub it into George and while you do talk to George, sing to him and keep eye contact."

"Ok." Olivia said taking the lotion.

George sat back behind Olivia as she placed the lotion in her hands and pressed them to Georgie's stomach.

"I feel awkward." Olivia said.

"Want me to leave you?" George asked and Olivia nodded.

George left the room knowing that Olivia knew he recorded all sessions in his office which meant he could listen back afterwards.

"Beautiful dreamer wake unto me…" Olivia sang softly as she massaged the lotion into her son's body.

The baby's blue eyes latched onto his Mother's as she sang and rubbed her hands over his stomach rubbing lotion into his soft skin.

Cragen-Stabler home, Manhattan, New York

Saturday, January 18th 2016

12.36 pm

Olivia arrived home with the Doctor's words ringing in her ears, he'd told her to massage George and lie skin to skin with him every day and try talking to him while she did. He also told her to have a certain time of day every day to have a hot bath with music and a glass of wine alone something she could look forward too and she wasn't going to go against anything he asked of her.

"Hey everything ok?" Elliot asked coming to meet her in the living room.

"Yeah I think baby George enjoyed himself." Olivia laughed as she put the car seat down on the floor where her son was sleeping peacefully.

"How did it go for you?" Elliot asked taking his wife's coat off.

"You know it was nice, relaxing even." Olivia replied. "Something smells good."

"I'm making spaghetti and meatballs." He smiled and Olivia grinned, her favourite comfort food.

"Where are the kids?" Olivia asked.

"Ali and Eli are playing in the play room, Nicole and Melissa are doing homework and Lex and Lil are watching Pocahontas in their room." Elliot explained.

"It's quiet." She replied.

"It's nice not to hear Melissa and Nicole fighting and the twins playing really loud games." Elliot chuckled as he went to hang up her coat.

"Yeah, I'm going to take George up to his bassinette and then go check on the girls." She said reaching into the car seat for her son.

"Ok, lunch won't be long now." He told her kissing her on the head but moved away when he found her shrug uncomfortably.

He watched Olivia go off with his son and walked back into the kitchen, he knew his marriage was failing and it wasn't just because Olivia had postpartum. He was determined to help her get back to normal before they separated but he knew a temporary separation was inevitable.

Olivia watched her sleeping son in the bassinette. She wondered what he thought of her, if the tiny baby she'd carried for nine months loved her. Once she'd switched on the monitor and grabbed her piece she made her way out into the hallway and then to Melissa's bedroom.

"Hey Princess you ok?" Olivia asked seeing her eldest daughter at her desk scribbling away.

"Hey Mom. I'm good." Melissa smiled spinning her chair around to face her Mom.

"Melly… do you…" She walked into the bedroom and sat down on the side of Melissa's bed. "Do you feel like Mommy works too much?"

"Not really, you work less than Dad anyway." Melissa replied as she faced her Mom.

"But do you feel like we're not here for you, or me not here for you." Olivia asked.

"Mom what's with the questions?" Melissa asked with a frown.

"I just don't want any of you to feel abandoned by me." Olivia said and Melissa sat on the bed beside Olivia and wrapped her arms around her Mom's waist.

"Mommy, when that man killed my birth parents you and Daddy Cole rescued me, you took me in and I know you love me as much as you love all my sisters and brother. I could never feel abandoned by you." She said as Olivia ran her hand through her daughter's waist length blonde hair.

"I love you Melly." Olivia said softly.

"I love you too Mommy." Melissa replied giving Olivia a gentle squeeze. "But are you really ok?"

"Yeah baby, Mom just got a little poorly after having Georgie and I guess I'm feeling a bit insecure." Olivia replied honestly, she had to remember her little girl wasn't so little anymore.

"You need to take care of yourself more Mom." Melissa replied.

"I know but with seven kids to take care of and a full time job it takes a lot of time." Olivia said softly.

"Well don't you worry about me Mom because I'm a big girl now." Melissa teased and they both laughed softly.

"Ok well I'm going to check on your sisters ok lunch will be ready soon." Olivia said getting to her feet.

"Sure and Mom if you have time later could you help me with Spanish verbs?" Melissa asked.

"I'll make time you know that." Olivia smiled before kissing her daughter's head and leaving closing the door behind her.

She smiled once the door was shut, she remembered the scared six year old she and Cole had adopted and it was hard to think that girl was thirteen years old with a mind of a thirty year old. She went to the bedroom next door and went in to find Nicole in the same position as Melissa, bent over her desk scribbling away.

"Hey Nic what you doing?" Olivia asked going in.

"Writing a story for English Language." Nicole replied putting her pencil down.

Olivia smiled at her seven year old who was a combination of her and her first love. She had her Mother's hair and eyes but her father's mouth, nose and jaw line.

"What's it about?" Olivia asked sitting down on the bed.

"About me and Daddy going for a picnic in heaven." Nicole replied and Olivia felt an ache in the pit of her heart.

"You miss him don't you." Olivia stated and Nicole nodded.

"Mommy would he love me like you love me?" Nicole asked spinning her chair to face her Mother.

"Course he would Nicole, remember how I told you he's watching over you?" Olivia asked and Nicole nodded in reply.

Olivia reached over and took the picture of herself and Cole that Nicole kept on her desk, she looked at the man she thought she would marry and have a family and the tears built in her eyes.

"You miss Daddy don't you Mommy?" Nicole asked climbing onto Olivia's lap.

"Every day baby, every day." Olivia replied as she wiped her tears away.

"Tell me a story about you and Daddy, the one about when you first met." Nicole said and Olivia smiled.

"Let's cuddle up then." Olivia said climbing onto the bed properly and Nicole curled up under her arm.

"Ok Mommy had a really bad day in work, she'd been fighting all day with Daddy Elliot and was tired and cranky so went to a bar to get some peace. Daddy Cole saw Mommy sitting on her own by the table and came over. He introduced himself and said he worked for Missing Persons and then I introduced myself and said I worked Special Victims, and he said he heard I'd had a tough day. Then he bought Mommy a drink and we talked and talked and barely touched our drinks and we were laughing and talking all night then he gave me his card and I gave him mine and then the next day he found an excuse to come up to see me in work." Olivia said her voice soft and full of tender love.

"Mommy was it love at first sight?" Nicole asked.

"I think so, I never felt for anyone the way I felt for your Daddy Nicole." Olivia told her. "When he died I was so lost, I thought I'd never love anyone the way your Daddy again."

"Do you love Daddy Elliot the way you loved Daddy?" Nicole asked.

"It's not the same, I do love Elliot more and more than I ever thought possible but it's a little different because your Daddy was my first true love, Elliot is the man I fell in love with afterwards." Olivia explained. "But I do love Elliot very much he's my husband, I wouldn't have married him and had babies with him if I didn't love him."

"But it's not the same as with Daddy?" Nicole questioned.

"No baby, if your Daddy hadn't died I don't think I'd have fallen in love with Elliot, he got me through all those difficult times when I was pregnant with you and missing Daddy."

"I love you Mommy and I love Daddy Elliot too but I don't think I love Daddy Elliot in the same way as I would love my real Daddy." Nicole whispered tearfully.

"That's ok, love comes in all shapes and sizes and just because you love someone differently, it doesn't mean you love them any less." Olivia told her daughter gently.

"I love you Mommy." She said hugging her Mother tight.

"I love you to Nicole. So much." Olivia replied hugging her daughter tight. "Now finish your homework, lunch will be ready soon so keep your ear out for Daddy on the intercom." Olivia said before getting up and leaving, feeling the need to wipe away her tears.

After shutting the door, regaining her composure and making her way to older twins bedroom she smiled at the scene.

They were both asleep, their limbs tangled around each other, Liliana sucking her thumb while Alexandra held her own ear, their comforts. Olivia switched on the light knowing if they slept to long they wouldn't sleep at all that night. She walked over to them and gently shook them awake before switching the TV off and letting them both wake up properly.

"Mommy." Liliana said reaching her arms out for her mother and Alexandra copied.

"You two have gotten too big for me to carry you both at once." Olivia chuckled and they both pouted making Olivia laugh harder they were exactly alike in almost every way that it was comical. "Let Mommy sit down then I can have hugs with both of you."

She sat in between the two six year olds and they quickly wrapped up in their Mom making Olivia smile.

"Nice nap?" Olivia asked as she ran her hands through her daughter's fine hair.

"Yup." They both replied.

"Good, have you got any homework?" Olivia asked.

"Yup."

"You need to do it."

"We will." They spoke in unison making Olivia laugh again.

"Well get it started then, so we can have tomorrow to do something good together." Olivia smiled and both girls jumped off their mother's lap and hurried over to their conjoined desks making Olivia laugh. "Daddy will call when Lunch is ready." She said before kissing both of their heads.

"Love you." They both called without looking.

"Love you too." She replied before slipping out of the bedroom thinking four down two to go.

The downstairs playroom was Olivia's next stop. She found her three year olds both playing with Nanny Sue and rather than disrupt the game she just stood by the doorway and watched for a minute until she felt two strong arms slip around her waist.

"Hey." She said naturally relaxing into the touch.

"Everything ok?" He asked and she nodded in reply. "What's up Liv? Talk to me?" He was almost pleading in his whisper.

"I'm such a bad Mom." She said slipping from his grasp and walking to the kitchen.

"Hey no you're not." Elliot said following her.

"They should hate me Elliot." She whispered and Elliot sighed and stood in front of her cupping her face to make her look at him.

"No they shouldn't." Elliot said firmly. "They love you Olivia, they love you like you're God or something."

"I'm never here El, Melissa asked me to help her with Spanish 'if I had time' no child should ask their parents if they have time for them." Olivia whispered as tears spilt down her cheeks.

"Olivia you have seven children, Melissa is old enough to understand that you have very little time to help with homework and things it doesn't mean you don't spend enough time with her." Elliot replied.

"I feel like I can't do this anymore, like… like I've been questioning why I had them all." Olivia whispered and Elliot felt his heart cracking, she was worse than he thought at first.

"Liv, you and I need to separate and focus on the kids." He said and she nodded in agreement. "You need to focus on you."

"I don't want them to think I abandoned them for my job." Olivia said and Elliot shook his head.

"They won't ever think that." Elliot said.

"When Mom and Dad were alive I could do it you know? Dad wouldn't let me work too much and there was Mom and me doing everything with the kids."

"You feel like you're doing it all on your own." Elliot sighed and she nodded guiltily. "I'm the one who's been abandoning the kids Liv, it's my fault you're like this."

"El I'm going to set up Mom's old house up for me, we can come to an agreement about the kids and custody and I'm your boss so I can make sure we have different time off to suit the kids, it's for the best isn't it?" Olivia asked.

"I think it is Liv. We'll tell the kids after lunch, let's have one good meal together first before we tell them." Elliot said and Olivia nodded in agreement. "I'll lift the food and you call the kids then we can enjoy lunch and then we'll talk to the kids and Nanny Sue."

"Ok. I'm sorry El." Olivia whispered weakly and he could see how defeated she looked.

"Don't apologise Olivia, we'll get through this even if for now we need to be apart." Elliot replied before kissing her head heavily. "I love you don't ever forget that."

"I love you too." Olivia replied.

Cragen-Stabler home, Manhattan, New York

Saturday, January 18th 2016

2.12 pm

After a nice and relaxed family lunch Olivia and Elliot sat down with the kids and Nanny Sue. Elliot was sat on the arm chair with Ali on his lap and Olivia sat with Lexi and Lili under either arm, Eli sat with Nanny Sue and Nicole and Melissa sat on beanie bags on the floor.

"Ok kids, Mommy and Daddy are going to have some time apart." Olivia said softly.

"We're going to live apart for a while." Elliot said looking around at his kids.

"Mom who's decision was it?" Melissa asked.

"It's a joint decision Melissa, we want to put all our time into you kids and we think it's best if we do it apart." Olivia replied honestly.

"I'm living with you Mom." Melissa said.

"We're splitting custody Melissa we don't know how yet, we'll talk about it in a bit when you kids are off doing your own thing." Olivia replied firmly.

"I'm living with you Mom. He's not my Dad or my adopted father and so he has no custody rights to me." Melissa said getting to her feet.

"Mel …"

"My decision is made, if you two want to be stupid and split up that's fine with me but I am not staying with Elliot!" Melissa yelled before storming off.

"I'm living with Mommy too, sorry Elliot." Nicole said getting to her feet and hurrying off after her big sister.

"I'm sorry El." Olivia whispered.

"It's not your fault, we can get a court order to compel them both to have visitation with me…"

"El you heard Melissa you haven't adopted either of them so you actually have no rights to either of them." Olivia whispered and Elliot sighed and nodded. "They'll come round."

"Ok." Elliot nodded.

"What do we do for tonight?" Olivia asked.

"I'll take the guest room tonight and we'll talk after the kids go to bed about what we do tomorrow." Elliot replied and Olivia nodded as she held her children tight.

Next Chapter - Olivia moves into Anne's old house