Manhattan SVU, Manhattan, New York
Monday 10th February 2016
1.15pm

Olivia sat just breaking her heart. She'd had a rough morning at the precinct with a good few new cases having come up over the weekend and she'd even had to sit and take vic statements because the detectives were so over run and for the first time ever she had returned to her office with the overwhelming need to off load and vent and realised she didn't have anyone to do that with anymore. Her first port of call would have been her father, second her mother, with Elliot no longer at SVU he should have also been someone she could have spoken to, but she knew calling him wasn't a good idea. It was hitting her like a bus that she was well and truly alone in the world for the first time in years. She felt like that rookie again, sitting in an empty apartment with no one to turn to.

It was like waves crashing onto a shore. She couldn't breathe for crying. It was like every loss hit her over and over again and she became more and more devastated with each passing second. It was crazy and she couldn't even collect her thoughts to try and rationalise with it all. When had all this happened? Why had it happened? Was it truly her destiny to be alone? Nothing was making any sense to her right now and she knew she needed to get her head together before someone in the squad room came looking for her, the last thing she needed was for them to find her in floods of uncontrollable tears.

Knowing in her heart this was grief hitting her she managed to pick up her phone and called the one person who was being paid to help her through the grief, she probably wouldn't appreciate being called in the middle of the day and she probably had other clients to see too but if she couldn't call on Dr Rosie right now she knew she would be in big trouble.

Hello? Thankfully Dr Rosie had given Olivia her personal cell phone number so Olivia hadn't had to call the office. Olivia? Clearly her caller ID worked too. Olivia tried to open her mouth but no words came out, just a hiccupping sob. Ok… Ok… I'm going to come down to the squad room ok? I'm due my lunch break now anyway… I'll see you shortly, hang tight. And with that the line went dead. Olivia just dropped the phone and clutched at her waist hoping she wouldn't pass out as she struggled to control her breathing.

Minutes felt like hours and Olivia prayed that none of her squad would knock her door as she waited impatiently for Dr Rosie, she couldn't understand why she couldn't turn the tap off that controlled her tears because every time she thought she was getting one over on them they'd flood down her cheeks once more and her sobs would become harsher again.

Finally a quick rap on her door and it opened Dr Rosie hurrying in without waiting for Olivia's response. Olivia stood from her chair but continued to grip at her waist, she didn't try to hide the tears and knowing she was no longer alone allowed them to come harder and faster again. Rosie hurried around the table and she grabbed her patient into a hug knowing that for now it was what she needed.

"It's ok Olivia, that's it let it all out." She hummed rubbing at Olivia's back softly with one hand while she continued to hold her tight. It wasn't easy as she was significantly shorter than Olivia but Olivia dropped her head to Rosie's shoulder while she continued to shake with wracked sobs.

Rosie didn't say much else, just held her because this moment had been a long time coming, it was why Rosie had insisted Olivia took her personal cell. She'd understood that Olivia had ran out of people to turn to in a crisis and this in Olivia's mind was a crisis though Rosie would disagree.

When finally, Olivia's sobs started to soften Rosie managed to gently persuade her over to the couch before she helped herself to Olivia's coffee machine. Olivia's eyes were glassy and sore, tear marks tracked down her cheeks and every so often she'd hiccup and sigh.

"Right" Dr Rosie smiled gently as she handed Olivia a coffee before sitting beside her on the couch, knees towards her hoping that Olivia would turn to her. "What happened?" She asked, knowing that it was as good a place to start as any.

"It's been a shit morning." Olivia replied sighing as she spoke. The weight of the world was on her shoulders again and Rosie knew she needed to get as much out of Olivia as she could before she shut down on her. "Really shit."

"Anything in particular happen?"

"No… just shit." Olivia sighed again and wiped at her cheeks once more. "I came into the office and I just wanted to talk to someone…" Her voice cracked again and thankfully Rosie could understand everything from that sentence as Olivia once again started to cry.

"This is grief." Rosie said as Olivia's head bowed and her shoulders once again started to shake. "This is what you need to grieve Olivia my dear. So, don't fight it, let it out." Rosie sat back and patiently watched as Olivia fought with her grief, she was once again trying to bury it but it was so hard, harder than it had ever been.

"I can't break down like this." Olivia said as she once again started to compose herself. "Not here, not like this." She explained, meaning that she meant at work and not at all.

"Sadly, when you've buried your feelings like you have they do tend to hit when we least want them to and least expect them too." Rosie explained hoping Olivia would understand that she needed to confront these feelings if she wanted to prevent these breakdowns again.

"I don't understand why it's happening now… why didn't this happen before? It's not the first shit day where I've come into my office and felt…" Olivia cut herself off, did she want to say out loud just how she was feeling right now?

"Felt what Olivia?" There was no way Rosie was going to let her out of this one.

"Alone." She whispered once again having to fight the lump penetrating her throat. "Nothing in particular happened this morning, it's just been shit having to deal with so many bloody victims who have done nothing in their life to deserve what's happened to them and I just wanted to vent to someone about it and I realised I had no one…" Olivia's voice cracked again but she just coughed, she was not going to let her tears flow again and Rosie realised she was losing again.

"You're too strong for your own good Olivia." Rosie chuckled lightly. "Let it out for Christ sake."

"I can't…" Olivia shook her head still desperately fighting to keep her composure.

"Yes, you can, accepting this loss, being alone it's important Olivia because it's a part of once again allowing people in so you're not alone anymore. Do you understand that?" Rosie was hoping she was making sense to Olivia, but the truth was she wasn't. Not really. "Who did you want to speak to?" Rosie asked changing tact.

"My Dad…" And that was it, once again the tears started to fall and Rosie just sat back and waited. So, it was Don Cragen, her father, who she was currently grieving for and that was good because Rosie honestly had thought dealing with that loss would have been the biggest challenge, that the circumstances surrounding Don Cragen's death would have made it near impossible to get Olivia to accept her own grief. "He was just always here…" Olivia started through her tears, this time not caring because she knew if she stopped and started fighting again Rosie would just do what she could to set her off again.

"And now he's gone." Rosie said so matter of factly Olivia laughed through her tears. Way to state the obvious, she thought. "And it's ok to be sad about that Olivia."

"I don't want to be sad about it… not like this." Olivia replied again wiping her tears away and trying to regain composure.

"Why?"

"Because I want to be angry with him." Olivia admitted her eyes burning into Rosie's as she spoke.

"Why?"

"Because I feel so cheated… I feel as though he robbed me of a future with him… I feel so let down by him…" Olivia just spoke what she felt, hoping that it would help and not make things worse.

"Olivia… you know you can feel both sad and angry?" Rosie wasn't sure if she was asking Olivia or telling her.

"But I don't… I just feel so sad and empty…" Olivia replied shaking her head.

Rosie just nodded, that told her that Olivia was still just at the first stage of grieving for Don Cragen and it was clear that the younger woman still had a long way to go even though this was progress.

"That's ok Olivia, you're allowed to feel like that, like you want to be angry with him but it's also ok that you don't feel that yet, that you've not reached that point yet because regardless of the circumstances of his death, you still lost your father and it's ok to be sad and empty about that." Rosie felt that the Captain just needed reassurance right about now.

"You don't think it's because of my marriage falling apart that I feel like this do you?" Olivia asked nervously.

"Do you?" Rosie asked putting it back on Olivia in the hope of finding out why she was asking it in the first place.

"I don't know, I mean if Elliot was here for me to offload on then maybe I wouldn't feel so empty and alone with no one to turn to." Olivia explained softly, she was starting to really come back together now but she had the headache from hell.

"Have you thought about calling him to talk?" Rosie asked, she understood that the couple were still speaking, Olivia had told her that before.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, I don't want to rely on him if my marriage is going to end." Olivia sighed sadly. "I mean if I'm going to be alone I should just get used to it right?"

Rosie just sighed softly, she wasn't in any position to making any judgment on Olivia and Elliot's marriage she just knew that Olivia needed to voice her concerns and thoughts, she just hoped that these thoughts wouldn't stop the progress in the grieving because the truth was Rosie felt that if Olivia could grieve she would be in a better mindset to work out what she wanted to do about her marriage.

"How are you feeling now?" Rosie said filling the awkward silence that had descended upon them.

"I'm ok." Olivia nodded weakly. "Stonking headache… but ok." She chuckled lightly, it was weird how it had suddenly become so awkward between them.

"Are you ok if I go now?" Rosie asked, she didn't want to presume it was but she did have other appointments this afternoon.

"Yes of course, thank you Rosie… I mean coming to me like this…" Olivia looked anywhere but at the shrink beside her, shame starting to cloud her once more.

"Olivia, you were meant to call me when this happened, I knew this was coming why do you think I didn't hesitate…" Rosie knew honesty was the best policy.

"Thank you." More tears shone in her eyes but she blinked them away.

"Olivia can you do one thing for me between now and our next session?" She asked getting up ready to leave. Olivia just looked at her uncertainty screaming in her eyes. "Cry when you need to." Rosie said softly. "This isn't the last time this is going to happen and it will possibly be really frequent for a while but let it all out. It really is the best thing for you."

Olivia just nodded, she didn't like the sound of what the doctor had just said but she did know she was warning her of what was going to happen as well as making sure she would react appropriately. She just watched as Doctor Rosie left knowing that she'd been fortunate to have been forced into grief therapy by One PP. If this reaction was anything to go by she knew she had a long road ahead of her in learning to accept the loss of her parents and going through the grieving process.

Blessed Hearts Churchyard, Manhattan, New York
Monday 10th February 2016
3.26pm

Olivia had left the precinct not long after Dr Rosie had gone, she needed to do something and moping around her office wasn't helping her any. She'd cleaned herself up, made sure she wasn't needed and made her way out for a walk. She was thinking over the morning to see if there was anything that she had missed that had triggered her breakdown but she couldn't find anything and she knew she had been right on the money when she had told Dr Rosie it was just the loneliness.

Without even realising it she'd walked from the precinct to Blessed Hearts Churchyard and over to the graves of her loved ones. She couldn't believe how many she'd lost in such a short space of time. In eight years she'd lost her son, her fiancée, her mother and her father and she knew it was no wonder she was an absolute wreck.

She read the words on each grave over and over, two head stones for four people. For the most part she looked at the vase on her parents' grave that had Mom and Dad written on it. She'd insisted there be something to represent them as her parents on the grave. It was important to her because she had a fear that their death ended everything for them and she wanted desperately to keep their relationship alive even though they were gone.

The guilt she felt surrounding Don Cragen's death was something she really couldn't admit to anyone out loud. The few times she had done it had just caused the person she was telling to try and reassure her and to make her realise that she wasn't to blame but she knew she would go to her grave with the 'what-if's' and she knew no amount of therapy in the world would make them go away. Accepting her Mother's death was much easier, it had just been her time to go, it had been a horrible turn of events in their lives but a heart attack couldn't be avoided or predicted unlike alcoholism. She knew the moment that Cragen put that first drop of alcohol in his system where it was going to lead but she did nothing to stop it, nothing to prevent it, she was just one step away from turning her back on her father and that ate away at her heart and soul.

"I had a feeling I'd find you here." Olivia spun around horrified to see Mathew standing beside her. She felt violated, he was intruding on her in a private place in a private moment.

"I've been trying to contact you all day, when you weren't answering I went to your squad room and when one of them mentioned that Dr Rosie had been around…"

"Who told you that?" The anger was palpable.

"John Munch mentioned that a Dr Rosie had been to visit you and I knew who she was." He explained, of course he'd know who Dr Rosie was because he would be fully aware of her requirement to see her. "What happened Olivia?" He asked softly.

"I'm not talking about that with you… not here." Olivia said wrapping her arms around herself in comfort. She just wanted him to leave her alone with her thoughts but he was not going to let that happen.

"Why don't I take you home?" He asked his arm reaching out for her, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable or hurt her but he wanted to make sure that she was ok.

Olivia nodded, she needed to get home ready for when the kids came home from school but she also knew she had to give Mathew some form of an explanation as to what was going on with her.