Chapter Three
We were up pretty late.
I was hoping the longer we stayed piled in front of the TV the better chance I had of just sleeping on the couch, but after the last movie was over, Josh had to be the responsible one.
"Time for bed, kids." He sighed, standing up. I knew he only wanted to pressure me into sleeping in my bed. It'd worked with Andrew there. Maybe it could work again, but I was so scared to try.
The rest of my family had gone upstairs at this point.
Carlisle had asked if I wanted him to step in. I did, but I had to handle this on my own. Which was Emmett's exact angle, I was sure.
We walked into my room to find the mountain of pillows and blankets on the floor. Ready to be chosen and made into nests on the floor. I walked forward first, and chose a rather large pillow.
"Leandra." Josh spoke up. "What are you doing?"
"Making my bed."
"Funny, because your bed is right there."
I sighed heavily.
"Stop pushing it so hard." Andrew came to my side. "Just let her do what she wants to do."
"Shut up." Josh replied. "I know what I'm doing."
"You're pissing her off, is what you're doing." Andrew countered. "I don't know about you, but I don't want her snapping."
"Then go somewhere else." Josh countered easily.
"I'm staying out of it." Zack whispered, hesitantly choosing a rather large blanket next.
"You're pushing things that you don't need to be pushing. She can sleep where she wants to sleep." Andrew stated next. "You might boss Zack around, but you're not gonna push her around."
"Oh, calm down." Josh rolled his eyes. "No one's buying the act."
"It's not an act." Andrew and I both replied at the same time.
"Okay." Josh sighed. "Let's just go back a step. Why do you hate your bed?" I was getting frustrated. It'd been a really long day, and I was tired.
"I just do."
"Don't be a baby." Josh replied firmly. "Why? Out with it."
I took a breath, but my irritation couldn't be held in. "Because it's the last place I saw Jack before he died."
"What?" All three of them gasped in surprise. Even Zack stepped around to look at me. I didn't know how to continue that, but I did know I shouldn't continue that, so I shut up, and looked down.
"You never told me that." Andrew said, tense. I thought quickly. What was believable? I needed my mind to work faster.
"He was here." I admitted. "That's why I couldn't see anyone for awhile. He got to me."
"How?" Zack asked, still shocked.
"Nobody was home." I sighed. "And Jack knew it. So he chased me in here, and.." I hesitantly glanced to my bed. "Well, Emmett got home, found him on top of me, and chased him away, but ever since then, I've haven't been able to sleep in my bed." That was an okay lie, right?
"No wonder." Andrew muttered. Looking at the bed as well.
"Well, we're gonna get you over that." Josh finally shook off his surprise rather quickly, and if anything, he was more determined. That was odd.
"Josh, he tried to kill me." I snapped, and his eyes hardened. "Every single day, and he almost did. Twice. That's not something I can just get over, and until you know what that's like, shut up." I didn't like being so harsh and straight-forward about it, but he wasn't getting it.
"Is he here now?" Josh snapped back. "No. So we're gonna get you over that."
"Leave her alone, Josh." For the first time, it sounded like Andrew was warning him. Zack stood there looking between them tensely.
"Come on, guys." Seeing Zack's tension, I spoke up. "I don't wanna fight. I know what you're trying to do, Josh, but it's not gonna work so you need to just stop."
It was silent for a few seconds, before Josh sighed and stepped further into the room. I watched as he sat down on the side of my bed, leaning forward until his elbows were braced on his knees.
"Sorry." He finally said, glancing up at me. "I guess I was just hoping it wasn't that bad. I know that's stupid, and I know it's really selfish, but.. I can't help it, you know? I'm not trying to be a jerk."
Again, I felt so bad for him. My anger dissipated, and I sighed.
"I didn't wanna tell you." I reminded him quietly. "Even when I found out who he was."
"No, I'm glad we know now." He shook his head. "It's just.. I dunno. It's.."
"Weird." I answered for him, and he nodded. My voice softened. "I don't blame you for caring about him, if that's what you're worried about. I don't think you're selfish. You guys just knew a whole different part of him that I didn't, just like I knew a different part of him that you didn't. That's not your fault."
I honestly didn't hold it against them. I'd had enough time to really consider their point of view. Where I was shocked he was ever considered to be nice by anyone, they had a hard time seeing the things I was telling them.
I had to remember that Josh was only two years older than I was. Seeing him now, it made me miss his confident side. He was grieving for a person he only knew as his uncle. Someone who'd been there his whole life, and I felt absolutely horrible for being the reason why he was hurting.
I hesitantly walked forward. Swallowing back the guilt, I sat next to him.
"On a scale of one to ten.." Josh muttered. "How bad was it?" I looked down. I knew it was a very reasonable question, and I understood why he needed to know, but that was a really hard question to answer.
"Thirty." Andrew muttered from the side. Josh looked to him. "At least." He'd been given the gist of it.
"Are you sure?" He asked, as if trying to find some way to make it okay.
"I don't wanna tell you everything he did." I mumbled. "But yeah. I'm pretty sure. That's not your fault, though. I can't blame you for not knowing about me. I didn't know about you either. I'm glad he was nice to you."
He looked over, so I went on.
"Jack hated me so much, but I think that just helped him love you. If he's always been nice to you, then I'm happy because I know nobody else suffered."
I accepted Josh's hug with one of my own.
"We'll figure it out later." I told him. "For now, just.. Don't think about it." He took a deep breath, nodding. Looking over, he smiled a little.
"You're sitting on the bed." He pointed out, and I looked down.
"I guess I am." I shrugged a little, "But it doesn't mean I'll be sleeping on it." He smirked, but didn't push it any further.
"Leandra, why didn't you tell me that part before?" Andrew asked. I didn't know how to answer that. "Does my dad not know he was here?"
"I didn't think to tell him that part, because Jack was here the day before he died." I lied. "I didn't want your dad wondering why I was here alone. It was only for a few hours, and Carlisle asked Heather to check up on me."
"I'm not gonna tell him." He assured me. "I was just wondering why you left that part out."
"Because I feel stupid." I admitted. That wasn't a complete lie. "I didn't want you to know how dumb I am."
"You're not stupid." Josh muttered beside me.
"I am." I argued. "Because I opened the door. I let him in."
"Opening the door and letting him in are two different things." Zack piped up matter-of-factly. I blinked in surprise. That was an angle I hadn't considered before.
"He's right." Andrew murmured. "Let me guess. He tricked you? Because I know you wouldn't just let him walk in."
"I just wanted him to leave." I mumbled. "That's all. All I did was open the door to talk to him."
"Yeah." Andrew nodded. "All fifty pounds of you couldn't stop him from getting through the door. There's no way."
"And he's the reason you hate your bed?" Josh asked. This time, I just nodded. I knew in the following few seconds of silence they were imagining it.
"Let's talk about something else now." I suggested quietly. "I hate thinking about that day even more than I hate my bed."
"Are you coming back to school in September?" Zack asked hesitantly. "I think it could be safe now as long as you don't attack anyone."
"I dunno." I replied. "I haven't asked, and nobody's bringing it up."
"You should." Andrew agreed. "If they let you, I mean."
Honestly, I hadn't given much thought to it. That sense of 'different' was still there. Stronger than ever, and I really wasn't sure if it was smart to test it.
"So.." Josh muttered. "Okay, so where are we all sleeping?" It seemed he wasn't gonna push it.
"Let's just all sleep on the floor." Andrew suggested. "It's really not that big of a deal."
"Except for the spider." I pointed out, standing up.
"Spider?" Zack grinned.
"Inside joke." Andrew laughed, reaching down and grabbing a thick blanket from the pile.
By the time the nests were all made, Andrew and I were settled near the window, Josh and Zack closer to my bed at our feet.
I honestly tried to sleep, but I really couldn't. Stretched out on my stomach, even in my nest, it was really hard to sleep.
"I think that's been bugging him for awhile." I opened my eyes at Andrew's whisper. I was surprised he was still awake with how silent it'd been for so long.
"I think so too." I admitted in my own whisper.
"How did you know, though?"
"Like I said. I'm good at reading people." I replied almost silently. I slowly turned over, laying on my back now. "Not everything is how it looks. Sometimes everything can look one way, but underneath all that, it's completely different. You just gotta think about all the ways it could be, and go with the one that matches what you don't see."
"That makes me tired just thinking about it." He whispered a laugh.
"I think that's how Alice knew to look closer at me the first day I met her." I mused. He raised up just enough to rest his head on his hand. "She just knew that things weren't what I showed everyone. She could just tell something was wrong."
"Whatever it was, I'm glad she did." He replied. "If she didn't, then we'd never have met." That was certainly a thought. It was so hard to imagine a life where I'd never met my family. Or Andrew.
"I'd probably be dead." I whispered in thought. "Or still wishing I was."
"Don't say that."
"Sorry." I replied. "I used to think about that all the time. To me, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. The outside would've matched the inside."
"That must have been so hard." He sounded so sad.
"It was my normal." I sighed. "I've gotten better about changing it. That's why I keep saying I owe my family my life in more than one way, but I don't think they know it. The first day I met them was one of the the scariest days I've ever lived through, but thinking about it now.. It's different."
"When you think about that time.." He whispered hesitantly. "Before your family found you.. What's one of the worst things you think of?"
Oddly, I didn't immediately panic at the question. In the dimly lit room, I actually gave it some thought. Just one thing. One thing that stood out to me.
"One of the worst things.." I whispered in thought. "Probably being chained up outside all night. It rained all night, and it was so cold. So dark, and so cold it hurt, but I had nowhere to go, because Jack had chained my neck to a tree out back.
"I still remember the sound of every rain drop hitting the puddles around me, and the way that sound sort of blended in with everything I felt. I remember trying to sleep in that cold and in that rain. After awhile the rain hitting me even started to hurt, and I remember how pitch dark it was out there."
"God.." He whispered in sadness. "Why?"
"Because I threw up on him." I replied. "I was so scared, and he pulled me out so hard from under the kitchen sink. I tried to hold it back, but I couldn't. He was so mad.."
I shook my head, sighing as I closed my eyes.
"No wonder you were so afraid of him."
"That's not why." I sighed. "It was everything else. That was just one night out of years."
He was quiet, so I felt like going on.
"It's scary sometimes." I whispered, my eyes still closed. "When I think about how normal that all was to me. It was normal to expect the worst of him. Of everyone."
"But it was wrong." He pointed out gently.
"I knew it was wrong." I nodded. "The things he did were wrong. They were always wrong, but it was normal. It was wrong, but I still mean what I said to Josh earlier. I'm not jealous of them because they got the nice side of Jack. I'm just glad they didn't see the sides of him I saw. Just like I'm not that jealous of Lily anymore for getting to stay with my dad. I used to be, but I figured out that that's just not how life was set up for me."
He sighed, reaching over me with his free arm and hugging my shoulders.
"Yeah, it sucks." I admitted. "But I wouldn't change anything, because for the first time in my life, I think I'm right where I need to be."
"How do you do it?" He asked, and I heard the frown in his whisper. "You have so many sad and scary memories. Years."
"It helps to start over." I answered. "When things start to get too hard, I just keep telling myself to remember the basics. I'm safe here. I'm loved. I'm cared about. It's taken a lot of hard work for me to believe it, but now that I have, it helps me out of the dark when I start to get lost in there.
"When I remember how scared I always was. The pain, and hunger are things I'll never forget. I'll never forget the day all of that changed for me, and one day, I'll figure out a way to repay them for everything they've ever given and done for me."
It was silent for a few minutes, and I thought he'd fallen asleep, but he spoke again.
"Thank you for letting me in there." He whispered. "There's still so much I don't know about you, Leandra, but this talk helped."
"I don't normally let anyone else in my head."
"I don't blame you. Those memories are so painful, you don't like hurting other people with them. So you just live with them, but what I don't think you get, is that telling people doesn't hurt them. It makes them see you just a little differently. Telling people makes them see how strong you are to be here now."
"I'm just me." I frowned a little, shaking my head. "I don't see it as strong. What I was back then doesn't feel like strong. Back then, I wasn't anything."
"What about now?" He asked.
"Now.." I sighed, thinking. "I don't know. I don't know what I am. I don't know myself that well."
"Well, I think you're strong. You always have been, even when you don't feel like you are." Beside me, he finally laid his head back down. He finally removed his arm from my shoulders, and I rolled over onto my side. Rolling to face him.
"Thank you." I whispered, and I watched him smile a little before my eyes closed again.
Piled on the floor with all my friends was comforting, but sleeping on the floor sucked really bad. As tired as I was, I still woke up too early, and absolutely could not fall back to sleep.
Instead of waking everyone up with my tossing and turning, I left my room. I wondered what my family was doing, or how bored they were pretending to sleep. I knew they didn't mind doing this, and in a way, I even forgave Emmett for this idea. Even if I didn't sleep, it was nice.
I felt a little awkward with what I'd confessed to Andrew the night before, but I knew he wouldn't be. To him, it was just another note explaining why I was the way I was.
I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth just for something to do, but when I came out, I was surprised to see Josh standing and waiting just outside the door.
"Sorry." I mumbled. "Did I wake you up?"
"Nah." He replied, shaking his head. "I've been awake for awhile, but I didn't want to be the only one up." I nodded, accepting that.
"I'm sorry about being so bossy last night." He went on quietly. "I just really wanted to help you. I thought maybe if I pushed it just enough, you'd see it wasn't that big of a deal. Or if I annoyed you enough, you'd get passed it just to shut me up."
That actually made a lot of sense.
"It's okay." I said. "I know you were just trying to help."
It took me a second to realize that we were standing here alone, but with him standing there, I didn't have many options to get around him. In the first light of morning, the windows in the living room filling the short hallway with blue-gray light, it was so quiet.
I wasn't sure what he wanted, so I stepped to the side, freeing the doorway to the bathroom, but he sort of followed. I paused, looking up at him. I couldn't figure out what he wanted, and that made me nervous.
"Don't hate me, okay?" He asked. I frowned.
"For what?" I asked quietly. Usually statements like that meant he had to tell me something he wasn't sure about telling me.
Looking up at him, I couldn't read his expression.
He took a second or two, seemingly steeling himself while I waited for his answer. Instead of speaking, though, he stepped forward. Before I could even back up a step, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips.
A quick one, but somehow, this was lingering. It was over before I could even protest, leaving me standing there, surprised and stunned.
My lack of reaction only gained a second, longer lasting kiss from him. This time, I felt myself return it. The second I did, something like fear flooded me and I stepped back, biting my lip. It was definitely something I hadn't expected, and I was not prepared for drowning again.
I had trouble breathing, but I managed to hide it the best I could.
He still seemed nervous, but he also seemed proud in a way. I'd always told myself that I'd hit anyone that tried to kiss me, but now that it'd happened, I couldn't make my fists work.
Without waiting for a response, he walked into the bathroom, his smile only growing. I wondered if he even knew what he'd just done.
I honestly didn't know what to do. It took my emotions a few seconds to sort themselves out from just where'd they'd just erupted into pure chaos. He hadn't forced me. I hadn't felt trapped, because he wasn't holding me there, but my stomach felt shaky. Almost like I was scared, and I definitely was, but it was different.
Eventually, Josh was going to come back out of that bathroom, and I'd have to function again. I had to tell him what I thought, either way, but I didn't even know what I thought. I begged my mind to unfreeze. The first thing I did when I could move was cover my mouth.
What the hell was that? Was it too late to hit him? Why didn't I want to hit him? Truthfully, underneath the panic and chaos, it hadn't been bad exactly, but I was so mixed up, and I felt like crying. I needed to get myself together.
I uncovered my mouth, and just focused on taking deep breaths.
"Holy crap." I shakily whispered to myself.
I jumped as Alice suddenly arrived at my side. By the huge smile on her face, she obviously knew what happened. Probably thanks to Jasper and his direct tie to the overwhelming flood of emotions.
"First, breathe." She whispered quickly. "Second, don't panic. Don't hit him. Unless you want to."
"I don't." I whimpered, still quite fearful. I was so confused by that.
She grinned. "Good. Okay, so just let him know whether or not that was acceptable. Poor boy was just as terrified, so he wasn't trying to upset you."
"B-But.." I whispered. "What.. I don't even know what to do. Why don't I wanna hit him?"
"That's normal." She assured me. "Just remember that it's okay. I know your first instinct is to panic, but don't give it too much time there."
"Why isn't Jasper helping me?"
"Because these emotions are important." She replied easily. "They're a part of growing up, and you need to feel them if you're going to learn how to manage them properly. You're just fine."
I took a deep breath, holding it for a second. I appreciated her direction. She waited for me to nod before she hugged me and dashed away. I sighed heavily, and I found I did feel a little better.
Once I calmed down, I had no clue what the hell I was left with, but I didn't have much time to focus on that as my bedroom door opened. Andrew came wandering out.
"Are you okay?" He instantly asked. Even just waking up, he noticed. I honestly wasn't sure about telling him about what just happened. I didn't know what stopped me.
"Yeah." I sighed again. "Just remind me never to sleep on the floor again." He laughed, so I knew he believed me.
"Or stay up until 1:30 in the morning talking." He replied, and I smiled. "Josh in there?" He gestured to the bathroom.
"Yeah." I repeated. "But he shouldn't be much longer." He nodded and stepped forward to stand next to me.
I looked over, toward the living room as someone descended the stairs. This time the sound was obvious, so I knew it was okay to react. When the water in the kitchen started, I knew immediately that it was Esme.
Zack actually surprised me by wandering out next. With sleep still in his eyes, he looked at us, then at the closed bathroom door.
"Josh?"
"Yup." Andrew answered. Zack wandered forward and pounded once on the door.
"Hurry up." Zack called. "There's a line, and I really gotta pee."
"I'm not in line." I said. "Just standing here."
Regardless, Zack landed against the wall to Andrew's other side. I waited there for a few seconds, before I decided to just get dressed. It would give me a minute more of alone time, and it would let the boys sort out the bathroom.
Without a word, I made my way into my room, closing the door behind myself.
I hadn't realized before how nervous being kissed made me feel. I had to take a few minutes, but I felt so incredibly stupid for reacting this way. Not for something so small. Alice had said it was normal. Did that mean I had a normal reaction to a normal situation for once? It sure didn't feel normal. It was scary, and new, and I had no clue what to do with it.
With no warning, I'd just landed face first into new emotional territory, and I had no clue where the hell I was.
I stepped back out, nervously looking out into the hall. It was empty now, so I scooted out to the living room. One glance told me Zack and Josh were in the kitchen, talking to Esme while she got breakfast going.
Flopping onto the couch on my knees beside Emmett suddenly sitting there. He obviously knew, by the smirk on his face. I just couldn't imagine Alice keeping quiet about it, so I wouldn't have been surprised if the whole family knew.
Maybe a guy's advice would keep me from acting stupid.
"What do I do?" I asked in a whisper.
"That's something you're going to have to figure out on your own, shorty." He chuckled, shaking his head. "But damn, you are blushing."
"Do I hit him?" I asked. "Because I seriously think I should. Or throw up. I'm not sure which." I paused. "Maybe you can hit him, while I throw up. Yeah." I nodded, attempting to crawl backwards off the couch.
"Shorty." I paused, looking up. "You're putting too much thought into it."
"I am?"
"You are." He confirmed. "Just relax. It's fine."
"But I don't want a boyfriend. Ever."
He chuckled quietly. "There's still time for that. Don't even worry about that yet. I think this was a test for him. Boys are weird that way."
"It's.. It makes me nervous. It's too weird."
"I can hear that." He confirmed. Meaning my racing heart. "Just take a breath. Calm down."
I glanced back as Andrew made his way toward the kitchen. Josh glanced at me from the kitchen.
"I'll talk to him for you." Emmett offered, and I narrowed my eyes a little. "No bat. I won't even threaten his life. I can be nice." As tempted as I was to hide behind Emmett, he couldn't protect me from boys my whole life. Well, he could, and happily would, but I wanted to figure out how to do it myself.
"Shouldn't I do that, though?" I asked hesitantly.
"Just tell him the truth, shorty."
"But I don't know what that truth is." I whined. He nodded slowly in understanding.
"My point is just be honest." He replied. "It's obvious to anyone with eyes that he cares about you. He'll listen. It's up to you how you want to approach it, though. Just keep in mind that he's never allowed to make you feel uncomfortable. Never forget that, and if he ever does, just knock him on his ass, or tell me. I'll sort him out for you the second you give the say-so."
I sighed again, nodding. I wasn't exactly uncomfortable. Rattled, and a little queasy, but that wasn't what he meant. I knew what he meant.
"Thanks." I mumbled sincerely.
"You know I've got your back, shorty." He assured me. "We all do, and that kid knows it too, so you gotta think about how extremely brave he is to even try it." That was true. "Just do me a favor, and don't rush this growing up thing. Please. I don't think my old grandpa heart can take it."
"I think it's a little too late for that." I admitted sadly. He must not have been paying attention.
"No it's not." He replied. "Shorty, have you ever even seen yourself?"
"I get it, I'm small."
"Not that." He laughed a little. "Growing up isn't just about getting older. You still have that look."
"What look?"
"Believe it or not.. Even after all the hell you've been dragged through and all the things you've seen, those eyes of yours are still blind. There's still so much about the world you don't know, and it shows in that look. When you grow up, and find out all there is to know about the world, you won't have that look anymore. All I'm asking is for you to just stay blind for a little bit longer."
I didn't really get it, but I nodded anyway.
With that, I took a breath and crawled back off the couch. This little talk with him had helped, even if I didn't really know what he meant by that last part. I wasn't blind. I could see just fine.
I found my way into the kitchen, and surprisingly, everything seemed normal. Josh wasn't acting any more obnoxious than he usually was. Maybe a glance at me here or there, but nothing I couldn't handle. Even Andrew seemed to be in an okay mood. Maybe I had been overthinking it.
I could tell that Esme was more than thrilled to provide enough food to feed three boys plus me. Zack in particular, but nobody seemed to mind just sitting there for awhile.
"So tomorrow." Josh suddenly said, smiling as he turned to look at me. "You're coming over, right? For my birthday? Dad says I can have a couple of friends spend the night."
I'd completely forgotten that Josh's birthday was two days after mine.
"I think that would be fun." Esme replied for me with a smile.
"All night?" I asked, surprised.
"Well, maybe not all night." Esme replied. "But I don't see why you couldn't go to his party."
"Or you could spend the night tonight, stay for the party tomorrow, and go home after?" Zack suggested. "That way, you're not stuck around like six boys all night. It'll just be us. And maybe Andrew if his dad says it's okay."
That seemed a little more acceptable, and I actually considered it. I knew my family needed a good hunt together after the last few weeks, and that would be the perfect time to do it. If I got too freaked out or anything, I could just go to Andrew's.
I didn't protest to that, looking at Esme instead. She seemed to consider it, and I knew what she was worried about. There were a few things to think about.
"I'll protect her." Zack assured her. "I know Kung-Fu."
"You took one class." Josh scoffed.
"One more than you." Zack countered, biting into a piece of bacon pointedly. Truthfully, I craved that normalcy. Maybe spending the night with those two would help me, even after what Josh had just done.
Now that I'd calmed down about it a little, I knew he hadn't done it to bother me or scare me. Doing this would give me a chance to talk to him about it without six pairs of ears involuntarily listening in.
"Alright." Esme finally replied. "I think that would be okay, but ask your mother or father first." Zack immediately grinned. I smiled a little, letting her know that it was okay.
"They'll say yes." Zack nodded confidently. "They love her." It wasn't a secret to them either.
"I'll ask my mom when she gets here later." Josh assured her, and she nodded. I looked over at Andrew, and he seemed to be the only hesitant one. That must have been why Esme hesitated.
"You'll stay too?" I asked him. I wanted to include him, and he was my security blanket.
"Yeah." He agreed. "I just have to ask my dad, but he's been so busy with work lately, he'll say yes."
Andrew was the first to get permission, and Richard seemed more than okay with that arrangement. I knew it had to be lonely to have a single parent that worked all the time, especially during the summer, so I knew Richard knew it too. I hated the idea of Andrew being left out. I felt really protective of him, which probably explained why I didn't jump right into telling him about what Josh had done.
I worried about what would happen when he did inevitably find out. I wasn't sure. I cared about him so much, and told him almost everything, but I didn't know if he would be mad at me for this.
Next, permission was gotten from Heather when she arrived to pick up the boys. Of course she whole-heartedly agreed to both Andrew and I tagging along back to her house. She had gotten the next two days off, but Mark would be there too if she needed to leave for any reason.
"The more, the merrier." She smiled, so I hurried off to my room to pack a small overnight bag.
Before I could leave my room, though, Carlisle wanted to talk to me.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" He asked me quietly. There was something in his expression that I couldn't identify. He seemed worried, but at the same time, hesitant and maybe a tiny bit sad.
"Yeah." I sighed. "I think I'll be okay. Andrew will be there too, and he helps me." He knew that. I hoped that answer made him feel better.
"Just in case, I want you to take this." He held out a cell phone. Much like the one that had been left behind the day of the newborn fight. I hesitated in taking it, looking up at him, not liking the reminder. "I want you to be able to reach us at any time."
I couldn't exactly refuse to take it. I meant a lot to him, so I took it and immediately dropped it into my bag.
"Thank you." He said.
"I hope I don't have to use it." I admitted.
"I hope so too." He sighed. "But don't hesitate."
I nodded in agreement, zipping up my bag. I really didn't think I would, but it was good to have even if I hated the reminder.
I was about to walk out of my room when Alice arrived in the doorway. I suddenly remembered about the talk she wanted to have about what I'd done the night before.
I sighed and turned right back around, leading her further into my room.
"I know." She replied. "It'll only take a minute. I just need to know a few things, but first.." She reached for my bag. Pulling open the zipper, she dropped a rectangular wrapped gift into it.
"Thanks." I said, surprised I'd forgotten.
"He'll love it." She guaranteed, and I nodded.
"All I know is what I told you." I told her, getting on to the next part I knew she wanted to talk about. "It was only a feeling. A really bad one. I kinda matched up that feeling with what could go wrong. I sort of guessed."
"Still." She said. "Leandra, that was amazing."
"I've gotten good at it." I admitted.
"I think it just means your ability is developing faster than I thought it would." She nodded to herself. "What with the dream-"
"Don't bring that up, please." I whimpered, nearly begging. She knew I was still terrified of it, and I still hated thinking about it. Right now more than ever, when I just wanted normal. All I wanted was to get through this without being weird or emotional.
"Sorry." She replied sincerely, hugging me. I returned it. "I'm sorry. I just mean that you're doing really well, considering. I can't wait to see how far you'll go with it."
It was silent for a minute, before she hugged me tighter for a second.
"Incoming." She whispered, but Carlisle was already looking toward the door. I looked over at Josh's hesitant arrival in my doorway.
"Can I talk to you real quick?" Josh asked with a small smile. I thought I'd have more time, but apparently, there was something he wanted to talk about right here. Alice gave me another supportive squeeze before she released me.
Carlisle hesitated a second, and I had to nod at him before he turned and followed Alice out of the room. He wanted to be sure I was okay. I appreciated that.
Josh walked in as they left, purposely leaving the door open. It wasn't like it made a difference with their hearing anyway.
I glanced around nervously as he came to my side.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." He murmured, and I looked up at him. "I know I'm saying that a lot, but I guess I don't really think."
"For what?" I asked, though I had a feeling I already knew.
"I'm sorry if what I did this morning bothered you."
"You could tell?" Duh.
"I could tell it rattled you." He answered, smiling. "But I didn't mean to scare you or anything. I just thought.. I don't know. I've never kissed anyone before, but I really wanted to kiss you. I thought it'd be a better idea to do it after you were eleven and while I was still twelve, instead of after I turned thirteen when your brothers would wanna hang me."
I immediately felt better. I heard his honesty in that explanation, and I knew it was something he couldn't fake. He really wasn't trying to freak me out. I hadn't even considered the age thing, but surprisingly, it made a lot of sense when he said it like that.
"You didn't scare me." I replied, sighing out my left over tension. "I think I scared myself. I've never kissed anyone back. That actually changes things a lot." He smiled a little.
"But I won't do it again if you don't want me to."
I stood quietly. I had to think. I had no way to describe it. I didn't know whether what I felt was bad or if it just scared me because it was new and different. I'd never been confused like that before.
"I dunno yet." I finally answered. "I'm still thinking about it." He accepted that.
"Okay. Just let me know." I nodded as well.
"And I don't think my brothers wanna hang you." I added. "They only would if you did it when I told you not to."
"I wouldn't do that." He shook his head. "I don't think it would be the same. I'm not trying to make you hate me. Especially who.." He trailed off, but I knew what he wasn't saying. Especially considering who his uncle was.
"That part was weird at first." I admitted. "But really thinking about it, it'd be stupid to hold it against you."
He actually seemed relieved. "You're such a.. You're a really good person, and.. Well, I kinda like you. I don't ever wanna hurt you, or scare you, or anything."
I appreciated that more than he knew.
"That's probably why my brothers don't wanna hang you." I replied, nudging him a little. "They can tell."
"That's a good thing." He laughed.
"Just.. Don't tell Andrew yet." I muttered hesitantly. I felt like he needed to know.
"Why?" He asked, smiling a little. "Because he'll be jealous?"
"I actually don't know." I admitted. "I just don't wanna tell him yet."
"Okay." He nodded. "Don't worry, okay? Just between us."
I smiled. "Thanks."
I couldn't help turning a little and hugging him. He returned it, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. He was just tall enough for that to be where his arms fell naturally.
I actually didn't mind Josh being my first 'real' or 'returned' kiss. I wasn't scared about it anymore, and realized that I was only scared because of how it made me feel. I'd never felt exactly like that before, and though it was still new, I could calm down and figure it out in my own time. To look at these emotions closer and figure out where they went.
I'd just start with the differences. It was easier that way.
"Come on, guys." Zack called from the living room. "I'm not getting any younger!" We glanced at each other before I laughed a little and pulled back first. I definitely felt better about going. Now that I knew his side of it, and I could calm down.
"Behave." Emmett told me, literally on my way out the door. I gave him a look, and he returned it. Was he serious?
"You first." I countered, and he grinned with a chuckle. I laughed a little as well. "Bye."
"Have fun, shorty."
I eventually had to look down so I didn't fall down the steps. I'd take Andrew out with me if I did trip. That was a funny thought.
I knew my family needed this break as well, and it was the perfect opportunity for them to unwind from the last few days while knowing I was as safe as possible.
I'd be picked up the following day around seven in the evening, but I held onto what Carlisle told me. Not to hesitate to call if I needed anything. I appreciated that, and still agreed to that easily. I still didn't know what exactly happened during their hunts, but I tried not to think about it too much. That was their thing, and I clearly had no business asking or knowing. The farthest I had to go to hunt was the kitchen. I was grateful enough for that to really not ask too many questions about why they couldn't do the same.
I scooted into the back seat of Heather's car with Andrew and Zack, closing the door behind me. I couldn't help looking back at the porch, right to Esme and Carlisle. I knew they were watching me too, so I just smiled a little.
The second we got there, Zack darted out before we were even done moving, much to Heather's annoyance.
"That's how you get run over!" She shouted after him, but he was already inside the house. I wondered what his hurry was, but Andrew and I made our way out of the back seat at a much slower pace.
Heather followed us inside, Josh leading us, just in time to see Zack racing up the stairs with an empty trash bag.
Heather clearly saw, gasping. "Zachary, I told you to clean that room yesterday before we left!" I laughed a little at her scold.
"I'm cleaning it!" Was his call in return.
"My side is clean." Josh shrugged. "I even did my laundry." She patted his head in acknowledgement.
"And if I find one more cup in there, I'm banning cups forever." She called after Zack again.
"You guys share a room?" I asked, curious.
"Dad needs the third bedroom for his office." Josh explained. "Remember? He works from home."
I did vaguely remember being told about that, but I actually couldn't remember a time when I'd seen the boy's room. Whenever we'd hang out here, we stayed in either the living room or outside.
"I'd give him time to clean it, though." Josh laughed, glancing up the stairs. "He's a pig."
I couldn't even figure out how a room would get messy. It was probably one of those 'normal' kid things, but I always put things where they were supposed to go, and I never ate in my room. Maybe that was why I never had chores to do? Because all the 'normal' kid chores were always done before they became a chore without me even noticing.
I suddenly felt proud of that little obsessive trait of mine. I took care of my things and my space. I always had, because I still clearly remembered when I didn't have those things or that space.
I shrugged it off, following Josh toward the living room instead.
"I vote we sleep in the living room tonight." Andrew laughed a little. "The floor really sucks."
"It really does." I had to agree.
"There's an air mattress in the upstairs closet you guys can share if you want." Josh offered. "It's not very big, though."
It was better than nothing.
"Mom." I jumped a little, looking back as Zack quickly descended the stairs, a dusty plastic cup in his hand. "I think there's something living in this one."
"Zack! That's disgusting."
I couldn't help laughing at Heather's exasperated reply. Thankfully, I wasn't the only one.
"That one's been under his dresser for like a month." Josh informed us.
Zack made it into the kitchen with the offending cup while Andrew and I waited with muffled laughter for the reaction. Josh waited too, biting his lip through a grin as he looked toward the kitchen as well.
"Oh my lord, throw that away!" Heather snapped. All three of us lost it.
"Aw, mom, can't I keep it?"
"No." She replied firmly. "Just throw it away. There's no hope for it. It's dead to me." I hadn't laughed this hard in a long time. "Zack, you're eleven years old. How many times do I have to tell you? If you take dishes into your room, just bring them out when you're done."
"I do!"
"Clearly." She countered firmly. "Have you forgotten about the ants? This is how you get ants."
I stopped listening then. I needed to breathe too much, and everything Heather told him just made it funnier.
"I told you." Josh laughed, finally sitting down. "He's a pig."
I eventually got to see the boys room, and truthfully, it wasn't that bad. Just really crowded with two boys living in it. Opposite sides of the room were occupied and decorated differently, but against the middle of the far wall sat a bunk bed. Twin bed on top, full bed on the bottom. I'd never seen a room like it before. It was pretty neat.
From there, we moved to the backyard.
We spent most of the afternoon out in the backyard. Killing time by rough-housing or just enjoying the quiet summer day. Zack jumped from the trampoline into the inflatable pool on a dare, but other than that, we stayed out of trouble.
It was exactly the afternoon I'd been craving.
We stayed out there until it was time for dinner. The look on Heather's face as Zack squished his way in through the back door was priceless. She didn't look surprised, but she was irritated. That told me he'd done this before.
"I swear." She sighed as I came to stand next to her, watching after him as he headed toward the stairs to get changed. "It's like he never outgrew that toddler stage."
"That's what makes him so fun." I replied with a laugh. "When serious is too serious, he breaks it up." She couldn't stay irritated that long, laughing a little as well and pulling me into her side.
"Do you need any help?" I asked, looking up at her.
"Sure." She smiled. "You can help me set the table." I nodded immediately. She'd seemed pretty busy all day, and I didn't mind helping her out.
I'd actually forgotten that Mark was here until he jogged down the stairs with the boys. He greeted Heather with a smile and a light kiss, which she seemed only too happy to return.
He looked at me next.
"Oh, and there's a fourth." He laughed. "I thought the sleepover was tomorrow."
"It is." Josh replied, finding a chair at the table. "But Leandra's mom didn't want her spending the night with a bunch of boys."
"Because this is so different." Mark nodded in agreement, handing out the cups. "Four guys here, versus two girls."
"I mean more than us." Josh clarified. "Ones she doesn't know."
"Ah."
"But this way, she's not missing out on time with me." Josh grinned, and Mark laughed.
"Let's tone it down a little, Mr. Cocky." Mark replied. "Well, I don't have a problem with it. I like her, and I'm about to take you both back to the store where we got ya."
"No refunds, dear." Heather pointed out as she placed a bowl of salad on the table.
"Darn." Mark chuckled. "Well, let's just hope nobody gets eaten by the mess your room." I laughed at the image.
"I cleaned it." Zack whined defensively.
"Did you clean it, or did you just move it all to the closet?" He asked in return. Zack's lack of reply told on him. "You need to quit giving your mama a hard time. Got it? When she tells you to do something, you do it."
"Yeah, yeah." Zack grumbled, sitting down as well. I chose the seat between Heather and Andrew. Across from Josh where he sat between Zack and Mark. The table was a little crowded, but not unpleasantly so.
It was interesting, and certainly an experience. Heather had said once that if she'd known about me sooner than she did, she would have taken me in herself. Though it was weird thinking about, I tried to imagine what that would have been like.
We spent some time after dinner watching movies while Mark and Heather cleaned up the kitchen, but like clockwork, night started to fall. The movies weren't enough to keep that away.
Andrew must have been able to tell. The nervous way my knee bounced probably tipped him off, because he reached over and held my hand. I held onto his in return, forcing a small smile.
As it turned out, the air mattress had a massive hole in it, and considering we'd waited until the last second to blow it up, we had to figure something else out.
Zack volunteered to sleep on the floor, giving his twin bed to us, but considering I was used to a queen, there was no way I could share such a small space. Josh had the full sized bed on the bottom bunk, but wasn't really that willing to give it up. I was welcome to share it with him, but he wouldn't take Zack's bed.
Andrew was clearly exhausted. He wasn't used to my amount of sleeplessness, and I didn't want him to feel bad for wanting to take the bed, so I agreed to share Josh's.
So, last minute, Andrew took Zack's bed, I was stuck against the wall behind Josh, and Zack was on the floor. It wasn't that I didn't trust Josh, but it was really hard to fall asleep. For many reasons.
Josh fell asleep right away. I could tell by his breathing, so it wasn't that he was preoccupied, but the sound of someone sleeping behind me made me tense. Our backs were touching in the smaller space, so I was sure that one wrong move would wake him up.
Another reason it was very hard to fall asleep, was because it was nearly pitch dark in the room. Zack and Josh didn't have the aversion to the dark that I had, and I cringed at the humiliation of admitting my paralyzing fear, so I chose not to.
I wasn't sure how long I stayed awake before I finally gave up. I crawled out of bed as carefully as I could, my breathing tight in my attempt to keep it quiet as I stepped around Zack on the floor.
I recalled that the door had a small squeak to it when it opened, so I opened it swiftly, and closed it silently behind me as I made it to the hallway. I was surprised I'd made it out without waking all three of them up.
I was pretty stealthy.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do while I waited up the rest of the night, but I started with heading downstairs for some water.
To my surprise, though, Heather was already sitting at the kitchen table. Probably hearing my descent down the stairs, she was aware of my approach.
"Hi, honey." She smiled a little as I entered the dimly lit kitchen. "What are you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep." I admitted, despite how I knew she could see how tired I was. "What about you? Aren't you tired?"
"Oh, getting there." She replied easily. "I don't sleep a lot. Would you like some tea?"
Tea actually sounded pretty good. Maybe it would warm me up.
"Yes, please." I answered, and she smiled. Standing up and reaching for the kettle on the stove. I watched her move, and even as I sat there in silence, I could sense a talk coming.
I had yet to talk to her about what happened that day. I wasn't sure if I wanted to drag out the wait, or just jump right into it. I had a feeling she wasn't sure either.
"So what's bothering you, sweetie?" She asked first, sitting back down and waiting for the water in the kettle to heat up.
"Nothing's really wrong." I shrugged.
"But nothing's really right, either." She guessed, and I nodded. I didn't like admitting that, afraid she'd feel bad. "I know that feeling quite well."
We sat together in silence for several minutes. I was never very talkative when I was like this, but I could feel her studying me.
"Are you gonna ask?" I finally mumbled.
"Do you want me to?" She asked in return, and I knew she knew what I meant.
"No matter how I think about it, nothing makes sense." I answered. "I told Josh he was there. He wouldn't quit asking about why I hate my bed, and I got mad, so I just told him that it was the last place I saw Jack."
She nodded.
"He can be persistent." She sighed, standing back up. She grabbed the kettle carefully, turning off the fire on the stove.
"Any details I should know about in case he asks?" She asked.
"I told him Jack was there the day before he died." I clarified. "But Emmett just chased him off." She nodded. "But what about you? Are you okay? With what happened?"
"It's complicated." She sighed. She placed a small glass bowl of sugar in front of me, along with a tea bag. I'd watched Esme make me some tea before, so I knew what to do.
"Jack was my brother." She went on in my silence, setting a cup of hot water in front of me. "We were raised together, in very much the same way." That stuck out to me.
"The same way?" I asked hesitantly.
She sat back down, searching for the right words.
"I know about all there is to know about the things he's done." She explained. "Basics, of course, but.. I also read your file. I imagine my own would have looked a lot like yours had I been brave enough to come forward. Jack wasn't an exception. Yeah, there were some differences in technique, but our father wasn't that picky. He taught Jack everything he knew through experience."
I looked down at the tea bag in my hands. That was a lot to consider.
"Not many people would ever care to know that." She went on quietly. "They just assume he was a monster, and he was, but he used to be just a normal person. I can't explain what that's like, watching someone you used to be so close to turn into someone you can't stand. To see, first hand, exactly what he's capable of."
That was what happened that day. She finally saw first hand the way he treated me, and knowing it'd always been like that only added to it.
"Jack had enough reasons in the world to be so filled with hate, but no amount of reasons would ever excuse what he did." I'd also heard that part before.
"He couldn't stop hating." I mumbled, understanding a little better now.
"No he couldn't." She replied. "But underneath all that hate was someone in.. Unreal amounts of pain."
"I know." I admitted. "I feel it too."
"I know you do." She reached over, smoothing my cheek gently. "But it's not a life sentence, sweetie. A lot of those wounds have closed, trapping that pain inside, but I know with enough patience, we can help you tend to those wounds again. The proper way. There is a lot of pain in you, but there is also a lot of promise."
"There is?" I asked, doubtful.
"Yes." She replied easily, her sincerity clear in her blue eyes. "You were born to do so many great things. It's not our past that defines us. It's our heart, and you've got one I've never seen anywhere else."
I wished so badly I could believe that.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked quietly. "I wanna know more about how you know me." She smiled, and I continued with opening that tea bag.
"I first met you one fall day." She explained quietly. "About mid-November. I was a pretty regular visitor to that park, because I loved how peaceful it was and Josh just loved it. With a six month old baby, it was nice to let Josh run off his energy and have a nice place to let Zack move around. Your dad showed up at the park one day, looking pretty overwhelmed, so naturally, I got to talking to him. I learned you were just over four months old, so we put you and Zack together. He dropped his teething toy, and you picked it up. Instant friends."
I smiled.
"We'd spend hours just talking and watching you." She smiled. "He was a very good friend of mine for awhile. I saw you at least once a week for over a year. The day your mom was the one to bring you, I knew something was wrong. Chris had expressed some.. Problems between them, but I wouldn't butt in."
Her small smile faded, and mine did too.
"I started to see you less often, and it wasn't hard to figure out why. That's why I knew it was the worst possible time for your mom to meet Jack. He smelled weakness and naivety from a mile away. Of course, I didn't know his intentions, but I still felt the need to warn Gina about what she was getting herself into. I couldn't just sit back and watch your life fall apart.
"When I heard about the divorce, I knew it was too late." She continued. "Jack had never been the kind to express a want for kids, so I assumed you had been taken by your dad."
I knew that part.
"I lost contact with Chris, and Jack had never bothered to fill me in on what happened. He had a new wife now. That was as far as I knew. Your name is so unique, it stuck out to me on your chart that day in the hospital, and I couldn't believe it, even with the all-too-familiar last name. Wallace. I needed to see for myself, though, but there was no mistaking. Even with how much you'd grown since I'd last seen you, I recognized you instantly, and that.. I suppose you could call it protective instinct just came right back."
She was quiet for a bit, but I still waited.
"I wasn't going to intrude." She went on eventually. "I got the news that Jack was in prison, and then you showed up at the hospital here in town as a transfer from Seattle, I put two-and-two together.
"Oh, it made me so angry to find out he'd had you for so long. That man had no business taking care of a child. Much less that beautiful baby girl I knew from the park. So when I saw you'd come over with Andrew, I couldn't help myself. I had to talk to you."
I had a question I wasn't sure how to ask.
"How are you so different?" I asked anyway. "If you and Jack were raised the same way, how are you different than him?"
She didn't seem at all offended by my question. Instead, she smiled a little.
"I saw my life for what it was." She explained gently. "From the time I was young, I suppose you could say I saw things in a different way. I knew the way things were wasn't all there was. There for awhile, Jack had that same view, but.. He lost sight of it, and it changed him."
I was quiet, looking down at my cup. I couldn't really explain how I felt. I'd spent my time wondering why. I'd spent my time hating him for what he did, but now there was a sadness in there that I wasn't prepared for. I was sad for Josh the day before, but this was different.
From what I remembered of her story, something broke him when he was around my age. Something he saw or went through was what made him lose sight of the view Heather still held onto. Now I understood a little better exactly what that must have been like.
"Lord knows it isn't much." She said. "I might not have a lot in my life, but it's way more than I ever could have dreamed of. I've worked unbelievably hard to get where I am."
"How did you do it?" I asked hesitantly. "How did you get away from it?"
"I was determined." She replied. "I've had my rock-bottom moments, but I refused to believe my father. His best efforts weren't enough. Not on me. So I set goals, and focused on those."
"What kind of goals?"
"My first goal was to get out." She nodded. "So I ran to Seattle the second I could legally get a job and support myself. I didn't ever want to see my father's face again, so I made sure I never had to. The second goal I set was getting an education I could do something with. I'd faced so much pain in my life. The only thing I wanted was to help people through some of the worst, most painful days of their lives.
"Between goals one and two, I met Mark." She went on. "I worked my entire way through school, raising a baby in a studio apartment. Both Josh and Zack were a surprise, but never once have I ever regretted having them. My boys may be a handful, but they remind me every day to be grateful for how far I've come."
I was quiet for a second, trying to imagine that.
"But how?" I asked again. "How can I ever be like you? You remember the dark."
"The dark is part of you, baby." She said. "I still have my own, but I embrace it. Don't let what's in it scare you. Let it teach you. Let it make you strong. Prove it wrong. I know you've got what it takes to overcome everything you've been through. You are unbelievably loved. Realizing that is the hardest part, but with all you've been given, I know you'll do some amazing things as you grow up. I'm so proud of you."
I couldn't help smiling a little. I admired her so much for all she'd done, but she was proud of me. Maybe there was some part of me I couldn't see from my perspective. Maybe I didn't really understand yet just how far I'd come, but Heather sure seemed to. Given how often I'd been told that already, just from my family, I was okay with believing her.
"You're the only one I can talk to about it." I admitted.
"I understand that." She nodded. "That feeling of isolation is one I can't shake either, but I'm working on it. When I find the answer, I'll be sure to let you know."
"Maybe we can help each other." I suggested quietly.
"You know, I bet we can." She smiled.
Talking with Heather settled a part of me that had been unsettled for awhile. We sat while I finished my tea, just talking. There was an unspoken sort of connection there that I hadn't found anywhere else, and I sincerely hoped it meant I was more like her than Jack.
She had a lot of painful memories of her own, but I could see that telling me about it had helped. I couldn't imagine how lonely those memories were, when she never trusted anyone to listen like I listened, but she also knew I was genuinely interested in her story. Jack's story. I just wanted so badly to understand, to search her memories of their childhood, and find those answers I needed.
Heather was a very warm, genuine person and even I could tell. Maybe one day I could warm up, and stop feeling so cold inside.
A/N: So much happened in this chapter lol I'll let you guys tell me what your favorite was. It's not that often that she has good chapters.
THANK YOU! SO SO SO much to my reviewers! Reading your thoughts pushes me through the next chapter. This is such a complicated story, and the fact that I have you guys to keep me on track really helps me stay focused and grow as an author. So thank you.
Chapter four may be a problem for me, so please bear with me. I've been doing the best I can with the wait time between chapters, but with the end of the year coming so fast, there are a lot of things I need to do as well as this, but it'll come. :) I promise.
Until Four, my amazing friends!