Chapter Five

I'd handled that scolding rather well, I thought. I barely teared up, but then again, I knew Carlisle hadn't scolded me to be mean. I knew, though, that I couldn't leave it the way it was. I couldn't let Carlisle stay mad at me. It bothered me too badly.

So I went to find him just before dinner. The first place I checked was his office, and I knew he heard me coming as he looked up. I knew he knew I wasn't here to argue with him about it.

I hesitated in the doorway, briefly recalling all the time I'd spent in here just talking to him. I missed those talks, even if they never really got me anywhere.

"I'm sorry." He sighed before I could apologize again. "I'm sorry I was so short with you."

"You were just worried." I mumbled, and I smiled a little. "I know I don't make it easy to be my dad."

He smiled a little as well, and I knew it was safe to go in. Not that I still expected him to hurt me, but I wasn't sure before if he still needed space. Now I knew it was okay, so I drifted in.

"It certainly isn't easy, but I don't think it's anything you intend to do." He said as I rounded the desk and approached his side carefully. "I know you're trying. I just don't think you understand why I need to know the things I ask you."

"To make sure I'm okay." I nodded, sniffling a little. "I don't know why I lied about it, but I really didn't think it was that big of a deal. Now I know. I think I was just embarrassed, because I didn't get to fight very much after that happened."

"Leandra, you have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I know." I replied. "But I am anyway. I just wish I could have done more." I looked down. "I still hate thinking about that day. I've learned so many things since then that I don't wanna know but at the same time, I need to know."

"What do you mean?"

"Every time I think back, one of the biggest questions I've ever had was 'why'." I explained. "Why Jack did the things he did. I used to think I'd never figure that out, but now I think I'm starting to."

"There's nothing wrong with being curious." He assured me, and I looked over. "It's perfectly natural to want answers to the things he put you through, and it's perfectly natural to feel a sense of.. Sympathy, I suppose."

"Sympathy?" I asked, unsure. I wasn't fully sure of what that word meant.

"It means you feel sorry for him." He explained. "You pity him. In your search for answers, you found things you can identify with. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's a good thing."

"It is?"

He nodded. "It only shows how caring of a person you are, despite the hardships you've been faced with. You have a very big heart, Leandra. It's one of the things I love the most about you."

"It helps if I don't think of them as the same person." I admitted quietly. "The Jack I knew, and the Jack I feel sorry for."

"That's because they most likely aren't." He replied. "Trauma changes people. It's a very powerful thing. Whether that's.. Witnessing something traumatic, or experiencing it themselves, everyone has their own ways of coping. In Jack's case, I believe he internalized it. He held onto it, until it ultimately destroyed him as a person. Breaking down his moral sense until it became what he decided it should be based on nothing but what he was taught, while driving him to do some of the worst things imaginable."

I liked the way he was explaining it. It confirmed a lot of what I already thought, validating the conclusions I'd come to and making the answers I'd found a little more real.

"That's why it's important to talk." I mumbled, and he nodded.

"Partly." He allowed. "It's also important to talk, if only to be heard. There's a sense of support you get when you're heard that is hard to find anywhere else." I nodded. I could understand that.

I was quiet for a second. I had another question that I wasn't sure was okay to ask, so I just went for it. If he didn't want to answer, he'd let me know.

"What happened with my mom?"

I felt like I needed to know.

"You said I saved her life, but from what?"

"Herself." He answered quietly, and I stood silently. I was a little surprised he answered so easily. "Leandra, guilt is also a very powerful emotion. I want you to understand something. Before I go any further with an explanation, I want you to know that your mother's choices are her own. You're not responsible, in any way, for the things she does."

"I know that." I mumbled. How bad was it that he needed to tell me that?

He nodded a little, but was quiet again.

"Herself?" I prompted after several seconds. "What'd she do?"

"She was moments away from taking her own life." He explained, and I blinked in surprise. He was quiet as that sunk in, and I looked down. "Guilt is a very powerful emotion. Just as powerful as hatred, or even love. Thankfully, I was able to reach her in time, and she's okay now."

"But why?" Even while I was asking that, I felt like I knew the answer to that. Just remembering the emotions I woke up with, the memory of that deep ache of a badly broken heart spelled disaster. I suddenly realized that those emotions were hers. Not everybody could handle that kind of pain without folding and looking for the nearest way out.

"She felt it was the best option." He replied gently. "She'd lost sight of reasons to stay around, and the knowledge of what her choices brought you only pushed her closer." I kept my eyes down. "Depression like hers and alcohol is a very bad combination."

"She started drinking again?" I asked quietly. I wasn't surprised.

"Unfortunately." He sighed. "But I think she only needed to be reminded of the reasons why she stopped in the first place. Leandra, if it wasn't for you, our talk earlier this afternoon would have been a lot different. Had you not insisted.."

"Morning would have been too late." I understood. He nodded. "Now that dream makes sense."

Being told this made everything more real. Like I didn't have room anymore to deny any part of this ability I was getting. How close it was scared me into really believing it.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." I mumbled. "I used to be so mad at her. I still remember what Emmett said that day. Back before she made me leave here. He said that she's going to remind herself every day that she's the reason why I was hurt so much. He said the guilt should be punishment enough." He nodded. "I said I hope she suffers. I feel bad about that now."

I would have felt even worse had Carlisle not gotten to her in time.

That conversation seemed like so long ago. How much had I changed since that day? It was only last year, but I felt almost like a different person. Trauma changes people.

"You were upset." He reasoned, but I shook my head.

"I was, but I meant it."

"Remember." He sighed, standing. "It's important for you to remember that you're not responsible for your mother's actions, Leandra." I took a breath, nodding a little. "If anything, take some comfort in knowing you were the one that helped her."

I wasn't sure how to feel, but at the same time, I was glad I knew. I was glad he told me instead of leaving me to wonder. I was sad, of course. I hated to think about how hard it must have been for her. I still had my problems with her, but it was impossible not to feel bad for her.

But I felt better now that I knew Carlisle wasn't still mad at me for lying.

I followed Carlisle toward the door. I could easily smell that dinner was just about done, so I knew I should start heading that way.

"I wouldn't say no if she wanted to see me." I mumbled. "If it made her feel better, I mean."

"That's kind of you." He replied quietly, descending the stairs with me.

"And I wanna try sleeping in my room again." I added. That surprised him. "I dunno. I just have to try again. I can't let him chase me away from that too. It's all still there, and it still hurts, but it's still my room."

"Can I ask what changed?" He asked as we reached the bottom of the stairs. He led me toward the kitchen. I knew why he'd ask. I'd all but given up on it just a few days before.

"Heather." I answered. "I talked to her last night. She said she got away from being afraid by setting goals for herself. Things she can do to get her where she wanted to be. It didn't seem that hard to do, so I set a little one for me. I want my room back. That's where I wanna be, so I'll just start there."

"She's a strong person." Carlisle seemed to agree. "I think it's good that you look up to her." Esme smiled as we arrived at the kitchen.

I nodded. "She's one of the only people I know that's survived Jack. My mom's the other person, but she's not doing that good." I sighed and sat down in my usual seat. "I wanna learn how to be like her. I think to do that, I have to stop letting the stupid part of my head tell me what I can't do. I know it's not gonna happen right away, but it's a start, right? I can work on it. Like my gift. Like you said. I might mess up sometimes, but I've already changed so much."

"Okay, I really like that lady." Emmett muttered, sitting beside me. I smiled a little over at him.

"They had it just as bad as I did." I admitted. "Her and Jack. She said Jack learned everything he knew from experience. If she could get away and be a good person, then I can. I already got away, so now I just have to learn how to be a good person."

"You already are." Emmett replied. "The way you helped Josh that night? Remember?"

I shrugged. "I just saw he was having a hard time."

"You saw he was sad over someone you hate, but you didn't let that change your mind." He pointed out. "That's the point. You empathized with him. Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's place. Putting your own feelings aside for a second, imagining what something would be like and feeling for them. It's important, and it's what makes humans human."

"I believe you, but I don't think it was really that hard." I frowned a little. "I'm too relieved that they got to see the good part of Jack, but at the same time, I feel bad that they had to lose him because of me. I know it's not my fault, and I know it had to happen, but it was still because of me."

"No." Emmett replied. "It was because of him, but I get what you mean. It sucks." I nodded.

"Now he'll never hurt anyone else." I muttered.

But I was wrong. I knew I was wrong that night while I laid in my bed. I felt my nervousness growing, and I did everything I could to fight it back and just fall asleep, but I could still feel it there. The entire bed had been replaced, but it wasn't the bed. The bed didn't matter much by itself. It was the room. The walls had seen everything.

"Just stop it." I whispered to myself, forcing my eyes to close, but closing my eyes made it worse. I could feel it creeping up, so I opened them again. Just to be sure I was really still okay.

But I forced myself to stay there. All I had to do was stay there long enough for my brain to figure out that it was just my room. That's all it was. That's all it was. I sobbed once in frustration, forcing my eyes to close again.

Why couldn't I stand it? Why was this so hard? It was stupid to be afraid. I knew Jack was gone, but it wasn't that. I knew it wasn't my old bed that I laid on, but it wasn't that either. What happened in here wasn't the room's fault. I needed to figure this out.

Really for the first time since it happened, I took a step back. Instead of trying to force myself to be comfortable in here, or running away from the problem, I looked at it straight on.

Sifting through the memories like flashcards, it was the best chance I had.

I hated this so much, but what did I hate? Besides everything, but more specifically.

The feeling had changed. I lost a part of me in this room that day. He'd taken my sense of safety and whatever sense of self I'd worked to gather in the time it took him to pin me on my bed. There was a vulnerability in those memories I'd been refusing to face. He had taken something from me that day, and he died keeping it. I was forced to remember that every time I came in here.

I didn't even know where to start getting that back.

That's why I couldn't be in here before. It was too new. Now I had to face it if I'd ever be comfortable in here again.

My eyes opened again with an extra beat of my heart. Nervousness and something like panic making me edgy. It had been like this the whole time. I couldn't relax enough to fall asleep.

"I can't do it." I eventually sobbed out loud. I pushed myself upright, my breathing tight. I still felt his hand on my back. His weight over me, squeezing the breath from me.

And something I had forgotten about until just now. The kiss he gave me. It had been very brief, but suddenly remembering about it the way I had felt like a punch to the stomach.

The memory of that got me fighting out of bed, stumbling to the floor. I made it across the room right as the door opened. Before I could bolt passed her, Esme hugged me. As badly as I needed her hug, I fought to catch my breath.

"I can't." I sobbed, my voice trembling and tight. I didn't even wait for her reply before I started crumbling. How could my mind have that much power over me? To forget things I should have remembered, and bring it up at the worst possible time. To recall things I really didn't want to recall, and send me nearly sprinting away from where it happened.

"It's okay, sweetie." She assured me gently. "You're okay. Just breathe."

Esme had to feel how bad I was shaking. I looked over at my bed like I expected something to be there, unable to help it.

"I can't." I panted, my emotion squeezing that response from me. "I can't do it."

Jasper caught them before my emotions could get to me too badly, which I was deeply grateful for. I accepted his help, forcing deep breaths. Jasper's help was just enough to help me. To change the way I saw these things.

"What happened.." I mumbled, looking over at the bed again. It wasn't a question. More like an incomplete statement, but it wasn't toward her. I felt like I was losing my mind, a fog there I wasn't used to having. Esme was quiet.

As the panic faded, I felt like things got clearer.

That certainly explained why I was so torn when Josh kissed me. Why I couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing. Why I was so mixed up. It wasn't Josh's fault. It wasn't even mine. Part of me reacted to the memory of Jack's kiss without even knowing I was doing it.

"I can't." I finally sighed when I could. "I can't give up." That surprised her, given her glance down at me. I'd set a goal. I wasn't giving up on it until I absolutely had to. If I gave up now, I'd probably just give up on things for the rest of my life.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that night, but I was too stubborn to give up. As I'd told Carlisle. It was still there. It still hurt, but this was my room. I wasn't going to let something like a stupid kiss chase me out of it.

Remembering it the way I did, though, seemed to give me some kind of control over it. Now that I knew it was there, I could do something about it. Not that there was much I could do about it anyway. I just didn't understand why it would bug me so bad.

I knew, even back when it happened, what it'd meant to him. I knew him well enough to know that it'd only been another threat.

But knowing that didn't explain why I was so bothered by it.

God, why couldn't it just be enough that I got out of that alive? I wanted so badly for it to be that simple. Somehow, it didn't seem fair that he was dead, and I had to keep going through it like this. He didn't face anything. I was the one suffering.

I didn't say anything about it. With Jasper's help, it seemed pointless to say anything. I remembered it, but I didn't have to bring it up. As far as they knew, I was just coming to terms with everything else that chased me out of here before. That was all they needed to know, because that was really all I was doing anyway.

I didn't sleep, but I didn't run away again either. It was a start.

"My head hurts again." I admitted during breakfast. "But it's different." After my long night, I really wasn't surprised. Neither was Carlisle. He just gave me Tylenol for the ache, and left it at that. Every part of me ached with the tiredness now. It wasn't just tired. It was exhausted in every form of the word.

I rested on the couch that afternoon, unable to stand the tiredness any longer, but what happened there surprised everyone. Including me.

I fell asleep. Not just a little bit, but all the way.

I slept deeper than I ever had. Including using that sleep aid. I was actually out, instead of deeply snoozing, which was probably why they let me stay there.

Anybody could have walked by, and I would never have known it. They could have had a full conversation, and I would never have heard it. Every light in the house could have been on, and I would never have seen it. It was like my mind had reached its limit of sleeplessness, and it chose that time to remember how to sleep.

I didn't dream. If I did, I had no memory of it. It was the biggest relief I'd ever felt to just sleep.

I woke up just passed midnight, ten hours after laying down, but before I could really talk about it, I moved myself to my room. I didn't take much time to think about what I was doing. I just crawled into bed before I could talk myself out of it.

I didn't know what made me do that, but it worked. I continued that deep, dreamless sleep for another several hours. Sleeping in my own bed for the first time since the day I last saw Jack.

I didn't wake up in a panic. I didn't wake up crying. I woke up slowly. A little groggy, but I wasn't scared. My headache was gone, which I expected but that didn't keep it from being a huge relief.

I had just proven to myself that I could do it. I didn't have to be afraid of these four walls anymore. I'd worked so hard to get this feeling back. I didn't expect it to last, so I took some pride in it while it lasted. I let myself have this moment.

As badly as I knew they wanted to, my family didn't make a big deal out of it. I knew why. I didn't bring it up either for the same reason. I still wasn't stupid enough to expect it to last, so I was really surprised when the same thing happened again that night.

Remembering my dreamless sleep the night before, I tried my room again. I had a little bit of trouble falling asleep, but I did get there, and I stayed there.

The first night was a surprise. The second night I started to see a pattern, and every night after that, I just counted my lucky stars. I looked forward to sleep now instead of dreading it, and I woke up at peace instead of in a panic.

My head hadn't hurt again, and that was just a plus. My appetite improved. I was generally happier. I still had my moments during the day, but I was really starting to see what Carlisle had meant when he said sleep was just as important as everything else. Real sleep.

It wasn't excessive, which made it a good thing. If I'd always been tired or always sleeping, it would have worried them, but I was getting nine hours of sleep a night. Sometimes ten if I was lazy. I was used to three, four at the most before I was awake again. I was awake. More aware of things around me.

It was weird to me, though. I was used to being awake a lot more often than I was and I felt like I was missing so much time. I still had no idea what was causing it, but I refused to question it. It was a very nice change.

I just didn't know how long it would last. I couldn't help it, though. I felt it. Those nightmares, just behind that barrier. Like a dark cloud following me around, and I knew if I dared to look at it, it'd start to rain and I'd be drowning again. I could hear it, and feel it getting restless in the back of my mind.

Edward had been around more. Probably because his wedding was coming up in a few weeks. Now was one of those times. He'd been sitting there with me for a few minutes.

There was never any pressure to talk with Edward. Maybe because I knew he was content just listening to my mind. It was nearly choking that prompted conversation.

I had a hard piece of candy in my mouth and swallowed it before I was ready, which panicked me for a split second. I smiled, a little embarrassed.

I laughed, looking over at him. "That was scary."

"You should be more careful." He smiled, amused.

"Yeah." I agreed. "Because that would suck."

It was quiet for a moment before I looked back over at him.

"I think I figured it out." I said. "Why people would wanna get married." He smiled. He remembered our conversation the evening before the newborn fight.

"Oh?" He prompted.

"I still don't think I ever would, but it's like finding another part of you you didn't know was missing." I muttered. "Someone to be there when you're having a hard time, or someone to be happy with you when you're happy. Like never having to be lonely again."

"And you don't believe that's something you'd ever want?" He asked, and I shrugged.

"Not sure." I replied. "I don't know what I want yet, but probably not. Just thinking about it scares me."

"It wouldn't be worth doing if it didn't scare you just enough."

"Are you scared?" I asked, curious.

"In a way, I suppose you could say I am." He nodded a little. "But I've also never been more sure of anything in my life." I smiled, sitting up straighter.

"That sounds confusing." I laughed.

"A little."

"I kinda get it, though." I admitted. It took me a second, but I found an example of my own. "Like when I first came here. I was so scared, but I was sure. I'm glad I didn't chicken out."

"I'm also glad you didn't chicken out." He replied. "You're starting to realize how much life you've yet to live. I really believe that if you never gave us a chance, you wouldn't have come as far as you have."

Where would I be now if I'd have just decided that nobody could be trusted and stuck with it. What would have happened if I'd let Carlisle walk away that day? I shivered, just thinking about it.

"I had to." I muttered. "It was the only way."

"I know." He said quietly.

Back then, I'd been so convinced that I'd messed up. That I'd made a huge mistake. I saw now that giving up on everything, and going back to what was easiest at the time would have been the huge mistake. Carlisle had talked me through those moments so effortlessly. They all had, really. Without that, I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I was today. I wouldn't have my friends, or have gotten as far as I had emotionally.

But again. I still felt it looming. Edward frowned a little, so I knew he saw what I was thinking about. I looked over at him.

"That is a little concerning." He murmured. "I assume you haven't spoken to Carlisle about that?"

"No." I sighed. "I thought it was just me."

"I'm sure it'll be alright. Just be kind to yourself if it becomes too much." He and I both knew that when the bad stuff built up too much, it always came out. Some way. He also knew I wasn't the kindest to myself when that happened. Among the memories and nightmares, there was a debilitating sense of self-hatred I couldn't shake. When the bad stuff built up, I turned on myself like a wounded animal.

"Just do me a favor?" I requested. "I won't be too hard on myself when it gets to be too much, if you promise to try not to forget about me when you're all married and stuff." He was really the only one I knew that understood my mind probably better than I did. I didn't want to lose that help.

He smirked. "It won't be any different than it is now."

Edward had always been one to come and go. He stuck around for a bit. Just enough to see how everyone was doing and he always went back to Bella before too long. I never held that against him. Not for a second. I was just glad it wasn't going to change.

I nodded.

"And one more favor." I added. "Don't ask me to hold any babies you have. I suck at it."

He frowned a little. "Where would you get an idea like that?"

"That's what married people do, right? Have babies?"

"Generally, yes, but I don't think that's anything you need to worry about. As in.. It's not possible."

I shrugged, waiting. That wasn't an agreement. He chuckled.

"Alright." He said. "I promise not to ask you to hold any babies."

"Thank you." I replied. "I almost dropped Kaylee like three times in the thirty seconds I was holding her."

"I'm sure it was fine." He chuckled again, and I smiled a little.

"It wouldn't have been fine if I'd have dropped her." I pointed out.

I knew enough to know to let my family know when a bad night was coming. It'd been far too long of the best sleep I'd ever had. That had to mean the worst nights I'd ever had had to be coming.

But they didn't. As close as the dark cloud was while I was awake, it didn't reach me when I slept. I just kept having the dreamless nights, and I got to keep my appetite and better mood.

I spent more time outside, sometimes in the trees right on the edge of the yard. Literally in the trees. There was something I liked about climbing. I never went very high, and I never moved unless I was sure about it, so my family allowed it.

Plus, the more I exhausted myself like this during the day, the further that cloud got. I never had much of a chance to do this kind of stuff before. Not consistently like I was. Without the nightmares, and with the sleep I was getting, I had the energy to do this that I didn't have before.

Just in case, though, Emmett was always my safety net. He was always welcome, because I started learning a lot about the basics of being in a good mood. This was new territory for me. It must have been something I missed all this time, but it seemed to stick now.

It was a feeling I didn't recognize, but accepted without question.

Maybe a few questions.

I didn't know what was so different, and I couldn't think of anything that had changed, besides forcing myself to face my room head on. I didn't have to run away from the memories inside it anymore. Maybe that shifted things. I didn't know.

Emmett didn't mind being that safety net either. He seemed just fine circling the tree beneath me, being the thing I talked at. Now and then he'd encourage me to go higher, but otherwise, he was good to have there.

Throughout this time, I had only a few more talks with Alice about this gift that seemed to have gone to sleep. I hadn't had any weird feelings or dreams about anything. I didn't have any answers about that either.

Before I even knew it, the wedding was only a day away, and my playground started getting decorated.

My dreaded dress came back out for a final revision before I'd have to wear it. Alice stole me briefly for a try-on. I did so without a fuss, pleased at the way it hung down passed my knees. I didn't give much of a fuss about anything lately. She circled me, nodding to herself.

The dress was a deep purple color, almost violet, just a little lighter. It had shiny, lighter purple beads embroidered along the top, and trailing down the front, ending in random places just passed the waist, like a waterfall. A satin band the same color as the beads came around the middle and was tied with a bow in the back. The thin shoulder straps looked like they'd be uncomfortable, but I'd only be wearing it for a few hours. I really liked the color, at least.

My dress was darker than the other dresses, but I didn't mind it. Quite a few shades darker than Alice's.

"Good." She finally commented, smiling. "Hardly anything needs to be fixed. Maybe just lengthen these a little." She adjusted the shoulder straps. "And you'll be set." I nodded.

"Esme will be doing your hair early tomorrow." She informed me. "I've chosen a few hairstyles for you, so-"

"I like that one.. The braid one that goes around like this..?" I pointed around my head.

"Oh, I know which one you mean. The feather braid?" I nodded and she squeaked. She seemed thrilled I was showing a preference, but I liked it because I got to leave most of my hair down. Whatever the reason, it was still unheard of to her.

I wasn't stuck there long, though, as my dad showed up. I was surprised to see him there in the living room, and given the way his expression changed, he was surprised by me as well.

"Wow." He smiled as I approached from the stairs.

"What?" I laughed.

"You've been sleeping better, I see." He pointed out, and I smiled a little as well. He could instantly tell. I nodded a little.

"A lot better." I replied.

"I'm so glad." He really was. I could tell as he hugged me into his side. I sat down, and he did as well. Esme sat across from us, which I was grateful for. I might have been sleeping better, but I still wasn't the best at keeping things from getting awkward.

"You came early." I pointed out to him, and he nodded.

"We'll be coming tomorrow." He replied. "We came early to look at a few houses, and I wanted to check in with you."

"Houses already?" I asked, surprised. He laughed.

"It's been a few weeks." He reminded me. "We needed that time to get things in order back home. This is the easy part. Next, comes choosing one and then all the paperwork. Somewhere in there we need to start packing." That sounded like a lot of work. "Then it's a waiting game."

I laughed. "So where are you gonna live?"

"There are a few nice places in town well within our budget, but we haven't quite decided yet." He explained. "I'd like to avoid Sappho."

"I don't blame you." I frowned. "The school sucks there. Plus it's pretty far. I wouldn't be able to walk there."

"I wouldn't want you walking that far anyway." He frowned as well.

"I walk everywhere." I said. "At least, I used to. That kinda stopped when I figured out the town wanted to beat me up."

He knew all about that.

"Good idea." He nodded. "How is that going, by the way?"

"I think mostly everyone's forgotten about it." I replied. "But I think I should wait a little longer before going anywhere alone."

"Better to be safe than sorry."

"Way better." I agreed with a sigh.

He was quiet for a moment. His smile faded in the silence and he sighed.

"What?" I asked, catching that change easily. He hesitated.

"I heard about your mom." He replied. "And I stopped to see her on my way in."

"Oh." I muttered, looking down.

"Baby, she's not doing well." He murmured. "I think it'd be helpful if you went to see her."

"She hasn't said she wanted me to." I admitted.

"I doubt she wants to see anyone right now." He said. "But sometimes what we want isn't what we need, right? I think it would help her a lot to see that you're doing so well."

I nodded. I had already agreed to see her if she requested it. I didn't know she wouldn't, but it made sense that she wouldn't.

"We'll take her next week, Chris." Esme offered, and he nodded as well.

After a few more minutes of lighter conversation, he looked at his watch.

"Well, I better get going." He said. "There's one more house to look at today. Rachel has the kids and is meeting me there."

"Can I come?" I was curious. I understood his surprise, as I never volunteered to go anywhere with him. It was always up to him to ask me. This time, however, I was curious about his potential new house, and I wanted to see if I still felt better away from home. It was more of a test for me.

"Sure. Of course." He laughed a little, looking to Esme. "Unless you need her to help decorate for tomorrow?"

She smiled. "I think we have it covered."

"I won't keep her long." My dad said, watching as I stood, leaving the room. I just needed my shoes.

It wasn't a very long drive to get there. It was in a town between Forks and Sappho, where I used to live. Roughly ten minutes outside of Forks.

At first look, the house was very nice. It was only one story, but it was much bigger than the house my mom had chosen. The area itself looked nice as well, just a small neighborhood surrounded by trees. It was pretty out there, and so quiet, quite a distance from the highway.

The outside was made of a light gray brick, with a prominent bay window to the right of the front door and small covered porch.

"It's not much," My dad said. "But I kind of like it."

"It's nice." I told him, removing my seat belt. Rachel was already here, parked in the driveway. Lily was sitting with Kaylee in the damp grass of the front lawn, pointing out lady bugs.

"Hi, Leandra!" Lily greeted me first as I got out, and I waved a little in return.

It was a bit of a wait for the realtor to get there and let us in, but I didn't mind that. It wasn't raining, and it was pretty warm. Lily talked non-stop about the three other houses they'd seen already, while I took a curious look around the back of the house. I couldn't see much because of the wooden fence in the way, but from what I could see through the cracks, it was a pretty decent-sized backyard.

"You could get lost for days back here." I muttered, peeking through another crack. Lily peered beside me.

"Maybe I can finally get a trampoline." She whispered hopefully.

"Lily." Rachel called around the front of the house, and she immediately ran off. I followed a little more slowly, looking at everything from the outside of the windows to the very base of the house. So far, everything looked nice, but then again, I wasn't an expert at looking at houses. I just saw no cracks in the walls or mold.

My dad smiled as I approached his side on the porch. A new woman chatting away about how good the location was as she unlocked the front door. Just as she opened it, she looked back at me with surprise.

"Oh?" She smiled. "Who's this?" She seemed nice enough.

"This is Leandra. My oldest daughter." My dad replied easily.

"I'm the reason he's moving here." I added honestly.

"Ah." She laughed. "I see. Curious, no doubt. It is pretty exciting, isn't it?" Lily was already inside the house, yelling that she'd found "her" room. I wondered how many rooms she'd claimed that day.

The lady extended her hand. "You can call me Julie." I lightly shook her hand. "Well, come on in. Let's look around a little bit." She waved us forward and my dad waited for me to go first.

The inside was just as nice as the outside.

A wide open entry way with solid tile floor flowed into very plush carpet further ahead. Ahead and to the right was a pretty roomy kitchen, and directly beside us to the right was the living room. Which held the bay window.

Inside a small alcove type area was a couple of doors, and the open door showed a huge master bedroom. A high, vaulted ceiling made the place seem bigger on the inside than what it really was.

Straight ahead looked like a dining room on the left, and maybe a den beyond a large arched doorway on the right.

To the left, was a small area for hanging coats, and a wide hallway. Probably holding the other bedrooms. I found that even without any furniture, it was very nice. Hardwood for the hallways, kitchen and dining room, and a light tan carpet for the living room and bedrooms. Natural wood accents along with natural wood cabinets in the kitchen made it feel really homey.

Before I could take a tour, Lily came running from the hallway. Grinning as soon as she saw me.

"Mommy said I could have the bigger small bedroom." She informed dad as he lifted her. "Is that okay?"

"You've moved in already, have you?" He laughed, holding her securely.

"I like this one, daddy." She replied, already almost begging. "I really like this one."

Julie laughed beside us. "I can probably get you a pretty solid deal on this place. If this was the one you chose, of course."

My dad looked at Lily. "Well, let's see what your mama thinks first."

Lily whined. "But-"

I chose that moment to look around a bit more, never going far. The walls were pristine, as was the brand new carpet. The wooden window blinds looked brand new, aside from a very fine layer of dust. I tested the blinds over the window beside the front door. Just because.

My dad wandered further into the house, but I stayed there with Julie.

"It'll be nice, won't it? Having him here?" She smiled at me, making light conversation.

"I hope so." I replied. "It just seems like an awful lot of fuss, but if it's what they want, then that's okay."

"You'll understand someday when you become a parent." She said. "There's a tug there that can't exactly be explained." I smiled a little and looked up and around.

"Did anybody die here?" I wondered out loud. She laughed, thankfully not shaken by my random question.

"No." She answered. "If anyone had.. Unfortunately passed away here within the home, I'd have to mention it, but no. This is officially a death-free house. In fact, it's relatively new. Only one previous owner, who took amazing care of it in the few short years he resided here."

"Good." I mumbled. "I think I like it."

This was strange. I was having a real conversation with a real person. A stranger, even, without offending them or getting nervous myself.

I decided then to stop while I was ahead, and wandered off myself. I headed toward the hallway, my shoes making only a slight sound on the hardwood.

I found out this way that this house was big enough for four bedrooms. Three on the left side of the house, along with one smaller bathroom. It sat on the left of the hallway, directly beside Lily's room. The biggest of the smaller rooms.

The other two bedrooms were smaller than Lily's room, but still good sized and they sat on the right of the hallway. One was probably going to be Kaylee's room. I wandered into Lily's room to look around.

"Dad says I can have the walls painted." Lily reported happily and I looked back as she walked in. "Whatever color I want." Her room was pretty good sized. The high, vaulted ceiling pattern continuing in here. "It's gonna be pink. Everywhere."

I was quiet. The two side-by-side windows against the far wall let in a lot of light, even if it was cloudy.

"I thought I'd hate moving, but it's so pretty around here." I smiled a little, nodding in agreement. "And I like my room. It's a lot bigger than the one I had before, and I don't have to share it with the baby."

"That's a good thing." I commented, agreeing with her.

"Oh." She said. "Wanna see the backyard?" She must have found the way out there.

I nodded, and let her lead me from her room. Instead of finding her excitement grating on me, I couldn't help appreciating it.

She led me up the hall, back toward the front door, and turned left. Passed the kitchen, passed the dining room, and into what I thought was the den. Turned out I was right. Just another, smaller living area, with a sliding glass door against the back wall.

She wrestled it open, and stepped out onto a larger, covered back porch. Passed the porch, was a pretty good sized patio and beyond that, was a pretty good sized patch of treeless grass. All that looked to be needed was a good mowing, but otherwise, was very pretty. Secluded, surrounded on all sides by the forest, only the fence separating the trees from the grass.

"Wow." I muttered, smiling at Lily. "Very nice." I wasn't exaggerating either. She grinned back at me.

"Isn't it?" She asked excitedly. "I wanted trees like you have around your house. We didn't have trees like this where we lived before, so I wanted it. Now that we're gonna live so close, dad says you can come visit more often, too. Right?"

"Right." I agreed, and she grinned. We walked a few laps around the yard.

There, we talked about all sorts of things. Mainly how nervous she was about starting school here when they finally moved. I realized then how perfectly my dad had planned their move.

She got to finish the year at her old school, and had a summer to say goodbye to her friends. She'd be starting second grade here, so it was still early enough in her schooling that a move like this wouldn't mess her up too much.

I found that the more I listened, the more I realized that she had a lot to say. She talked the entire time we were out there, until we were finally called back in. I already knew this was the house they were going to choose. There was no way Lily would let him pick any others.

Even with the way I felt now, I knew I wouldn't be fit for being around the humans so much, so attending school again would be out of the question anyway, but I did wonder as my dad drove me home if I'd ever be okay enough to go to school. Would I ever be normal enough to go back to school?

It really surprised me to find myself actually wishing I was more normal. That was concerning to me, because I'd never, not once, wished I was normal. I never wanted to be like the other kids, but I figured it was that sense of normalcy that I craved more than I wanted to be normal. I wanted the routine. I wanted to have a reason to complain, other than the same old thing over and over. I'd never noticed that feeling before now.

But it had been becoming increasingly apparent that I actually had no idea who I was. Kids by now had built some kind of identity. Favorites. Likes, dislikes. Fears over stupid things that didn't really matter like heights or insects. A vague idea of what kind of life they wanted when they grew up. More than three friends. Experiences and lessons. Skills, like riding a bike or swimming. Wanting a trampoline, or a puppy more than anything in the world.

I saw those things, those things I should have or should want, but I couldn't understand because it was such a strange concept to me.

I didn't have any of those things. Where those normal kid things should have been, there was just nothing. Even on my good days, I had no clue who I was, and I couldn't help feeling like that ship had sailed. I couldn't help feeling like what I was now was all I'd ever be. It was something I didn't like facing.

I filed it away. Again.

A/N: Oh man I hate filler, but I needed filler to avoid cruising head first into the wedding, which I'm not quite ready for yet. AND I realize this chapter is HOLY CRAP quite a bit shorter than my others, but I'm okay with that if you guys are. I just didn't quite know where I could have added more without drawing it out too much.
ALSO, as you can probably already guess, I'll be referencing the movie a lot in the next few chapters. I'd prefer to go by the book timeline, but I really don't have that much time on my hands to go back over it. Unfortunately. *headdesk*
Chapter five out there. I am determined to get the dang story rolling now. Enough about the main character, dang it. All of this didn't seem like five chapters worth in my head.
Oh well. To be honest, I'm in no rush. My reviewers are the best reviewers on the face of the planet. THANK YOUUUU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Hope you all enjoyed this one, and you can look forward to chapter six within the next couple of days. Halloween is coming up, plus a whole bunch of appointments I need to make, but the wedding chapter shouldn't take as long as this one did. I really really hope. (:
Until next chapter, my lovelies. (: