First Light, Second Chances

by KNeu24264

Sequel to Never-Ending Midnight- Set during Breaking Dawn: Still reeling from one of the hardest years of her life, Leandra turns her focus on the challenges of growing up and the importance of strengthening friendships. Facing her own weaknesses head on seems easy with the strength of family behind her, but there is a lot more there than anyone can possibly anticipate. RATED M.

8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

I hated just the thought of school.

I was there on Thursday for that first day, but I couldn't pry myself out of the car. We had arrived early, but not early enough for my taste, though. By the time we did get there, there were plenty of kids already there. I kept my eyes on that group milling around, and I honestly couldn't do it. My teeth were clenched in tension, but I had no idea.

"Leandra." Carlisle prompted me again, but I ignored him. Alice had been the one to drag me out of bed, and she got me dressed. She put me in the car.

I was now refusing to get out of the car. Just as I said I would. I wasn't moving unless someone moved me. Carlisle had volunteered to be the one to drop me off, but I also knew he wouldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do.

He sighed after several silent seconds. He stood from the car, and rounded it to my side. Opening my door for me.

I looked away.

"This is stupid." I grumbled, but still, I didn't budge.

"Just give it a try." He replied. "Please."

"No."

He knew as well as I did that I wouldn't make it through the day without a fight, and I'd be right back into the same boat I was when school ended for the summer.

"Leandra-"

"I'm not going!" I finally shouted, unable to help it. I was getting mad. Nobody was listening to me, but I fixed my tone. "Don't leave me here."

"Come on, Leandra." He gave me a supportive smile. "Let's go inside."

"Let's not." I replied. "Really. I just remembered that I'm sick. I don't feel that good. I have a cold. The flu. Pneumonia. I seriously think I might throw up." I whined. Continuing to sit there.

Conveniently, the parking area was right in view of the front playground to the right of the main building, which only made things worse. The large playground area was sectioned off by a tall chain-link fence, where all the other kids ran around. I didn't want to join those animals. Shoved in that cage with people I didn't know.

"I can't." I gasped. "I can't."

"Leandra-" I turned, crawling between the two front seats and scrambling into the back seat. I actually did start to cry. It surprised me too, but my tears were genuine. I knew that much. No part of these tears were made up.

"It won't be that bad." He spoke to me from the front, but that didn't help. "Leandra, breathe." I remembered to take a breath, but it was hard to.

He sighed, standing there and obviously thinking, but I just continued crying. I had to question myself, though. If I refused to move, would he move me? I couldn't help it. Each time I looked out the window to the playground, it just got harder to deal with, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't not look that direction.

"Come on out, Leandra." He tried again about a minute later, and I shook my head. He closed the front passenger door and opened the back passenger door, choosing to speak to me from there. "How did you always start school before?"

"That was different." I sobbed. "I'd get beaten if I didn't go." I actually wasn't trying to use that as a cop out, but hell, if it worked, why not? It didn't seem to sway him, though.

"You can do this, Leandra." He told me. "I know you can."

"No I can't." I turned away, flattening myself against the back driver's side door.

"Is it really this hard on you?" He asked, and I refused to answer. It really was. I jumped as I felt his hand find my wrist. He was going to move me. He wasn't holding tightly. I knew he was only trying to give me a boost, or a little tug of confidence, so I wasn't mad at him, but that wasn't going to work.

"No." I grumbled, yanking my wrist from his hand.

"Leandra, please." He sighed. "I'm asking you to give this a chance."

I looked over at him as my sobs squeezed tighter. That only made the pressure harder on me. It wasn't a choice I could make. I couldn't just decide to do something like this. Just the thought of leaving the car made me panic, keeping me stuck in place. The fear was impossible to fight through. How could I fight something that was impossible to fight?

"What are you so afraid of?" He asked, concerned now. "What is bothering you so badly?" I couldn't answer that. I couldn't even look at him. Shamefully keeping my crying eyes on my hands in my lap.

"Alright, Leandra." He murmured. "Just one step at a time, then. Just come out of the car. We won't go inside yet, but I think fresh air would help." I looked out the window again, spotting the few kids that had caught sight of us, shaking my head. Besides. I was trembling enough. Fresh air would only make me colder.

He sighed again. This was obviously hard on him too. I knew that, but I couldn't help it. He paused, hesitating a moment before pulling out his phone. His hand braced on the door, but he stood upright. No longer looking in at me.

I surprised myself by realizing I was considering running off. I was that wound up, that freaked out that I was considering running away. Maybe if I did, he'd take me seriously. Only the thought of leaving the safety of the car made me stay.

I'd gotten the attention of the animals behind the chain-link fence. It was my own stupid fault, I knew that, but leaving this car willingly was out of the question now. More than before.

My attention was taken by the two adults leaving the building up ahead, coming our direction. One woman and one man. As they reached us, I vaguely heard Carlisle explaining the situation quietly, but I was more concerned by the different man looking in at me as Carlisle moved away.

If Carlisle thought this was going to help, he was sadly mistaken. I flattened myself further against the door, glaring at at this man now, but it was hard to look tough when I couldn't stop crying. If any part of him reached for any part of me, I'd hurt him. His hands braced against his knees, though, as he bent low to look into the back seat at me, he smiled.

"Hi there." He spoke, but I stayed quiet. "Remember me? I'm Mr. Mitchell. The counselor here." Good for him. "I take it you don't want to come out of there?" Oh, and he was observant. I remembered him. I'd been forced to visit his office once or twice before I was suspended.

I fidgeted a little, looking back down.

"Leandra, is it?" He spoke again, but I ignored him. "Believe me, I see kids like you all the time." What the hell was that supposed to mean? "Scared, nervous about their first day back. They always warm right up to being here. I promise." Well, I wasn't them.

"Come on." He smiled a friendly smile that didn't fool me. "Come on out. I can walk you through the day if you want."

I didn't want that. I wanted him to leave. He stood up briefly at over thirty seconds of my continued silence, looking and talking to Carlisle quietly. I strained, but couldn't hear what they were talking about.

At his distraction, I threw open the door behind me, scrambling out. I stood there for a moment, surprised into a yelp as Carlisle picked me up. Lifting me off my feet, and I easily caught on. That was a dirty trick. I glared at him, but his gaze was apologetic as he closed the door.

Knowing I'd want to get as far from that bastard as I could, he let him talk to me. The only way further from him was out the door, and picking me up made sure I couldn't get back into the car unless I fought him, which I really didn't want to do.

"There now." Mr. Mitchell stood back, shutting his door. "This isn't so bad, is it?" It was horrible, and his tone was pissing me off. By now, the group of kids at the fence had tripled. Many curious eyes on us, which I noticed immediately. That was only making it worse.

"How about we go inside?" Mr. Mitchell asked me. How about he goes straight to hell? "I think she's okay now. You can set her down, Mr. Cullen." Nope. I looked at Carlisle with 'Don't do it' in my eyes, but he did anyway.

The second I was on my feet, I jerked my hand from Carlisle's, and took off. Rounding, and darting across the street, much to the dislike of the driver of the car I was nearly hit by. Just as I figured, it wasn't hard for Carlisle to catch up to me. Even using human speed, it only took him seconds to catch me. Lifting me back off my feet, I actually did fight for a second, already in tears again.

My heart was pounding too hard as he returned to the sidewalk outside the school, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Mr. Cullen?" Zack's voice called out and was only getting closer. "What happened to her?"

Embarrassment closed my eyes for me. I didn't want Zack to see me like this.

"Zack." Carlisle spoke up. "Thank goodness you're here."

"That's the first time I've ever heard that." He laughed. "Is she okay?"

"She's having trouble adjusting to this." I assumed he gestured to the school.

"Oh," He seemed to understand. "Well, I don't blame her, really. I'd want to stay home all the time too, but shoot. If it's these butt-heads she's worried about, she's got nothing to be so scared of."

"Do you think you could perhaps talk to her?" Carlisle asked him.

"Sure." He replied easily. "But that's kind of hard to do when she won't even look at me." I tried to hold on as Carlisle moved to set me on my feet, but I couldn't. Eventually landing on my feet beside him. Sniffling hard, trying to make it seem like I hadn't just been sobbing. Andrew was there too, which I hadn't noticed before. He offered a small smile, but that didn't make this any easier.

I couldn't be as stubborn as I wanted to with these two here.

"Seriously." Zack went on. "Don't even worry. Just stay out of fights, and you'll be fine."

"It's the staying out of fights part that I can't do." I replied tearfully.

Needless to say, Carlisle got his way. Both Zack and Andrew led me inside where Carlisle had to talk to the principal. The same guy I'd cussed out enough to miss the last three weeks of school before.

Andrew was in my class, but so was a group of four girls I knew would be trouble. Especially considering one of those girls was Noel, the last one I'd fought with. The one that got most of the town against me.

The second that group saw me, a smile came to Noel's face that I didn't like. I hated being here more than I hated anything in a long time, and that smile didn't make me feel any more welcome. I could sense it. She was looking for a rematch.

Andrew realized my little problem instantly, and his nervous glances at me made me nervous. I knew my reputation had followed me, but even I didn't think it would be this fast.

I ignored them for the most part. In class, it was possible to ignore them. I made it until just after lunch. All through lunch, I'd grit my teeth and ignored their giggles and whispers. Andrew and Zack did their best to distract me, but I knew they could see it.

We were called back inside by a bell, but there was no real order to getting back inside. I did what I could to get inside first, because I knew I would be less tempted to listen to them, but that was proving difficult. Being in a rush to be first, along with half of the two sixth grade classes, only ensured I was stuck in the clog of kids trying to get through the door.

I was forced to stop as the rest of the people took their sweet time getting through the doorway. Long enough for that group of girls to catch up to me.

Their giggles right behind me pissed me off even more.

"See?" Noel laughed. "I knew it was all talk. She's trying to run away." My hair was pulled roughly, and the echoing giggle from the group really put me on edge.

I spun, slapping a hand away, much to their amusement. I was going to leave it there. I wanted to leave it there. I wanted to prove myself wrong.

Finally, I was about to make it through the door, when I felt a foot block my own. My foot hit that foot, a hand shoved me roughly, and I started to fall.

I knew this was going to happen. I'd told them.

I tried.

I'd given it my best effort.

But the second I felt that foot block my own, I was done. I caught my fall against the door frame beside me. I pushed off of it, spinning to face the bitch that had done it. Not at all surprised that it was Noel.

I punched her right in the middle of her face, but she was prepared. Hitting me right at the same time.

I wasn't expecting the amount of fight from her. Either that, or knowing I was breaking every rule given to me slowed me down, but it wasn't a very long fight. She got another good hit in right after mine, and the pain blinded me long enough for her to get one more in.

I was rather painfully acquainted with the top step of the building after that. I fought, but the dizziness suddenly there made it really hard to defend myself any other way than curling into a ball and shielding my head. The blows just kept coming, though, her friends joining in.

Through the chaos of pressing spectators, I heard Zack attempting to get through, but he was just as blocked as the teachers were.

It ended with me in tears because I was getting hurt, and there was nothing I could do about it.

After another minute, she was pulled off of me by a teacher, another teacher kneeling beside me. Even as I fought my way up. I knew a second after standing that it was probably a bad idea. The dizziness hit me a lot stronger, and I was back down. Hurting my wrist even more at attempting to catch my fall. My arm gave out with the pain in my wrist, and I hit my head yet again on the pavement under me.

Noel laughed the second I rolled to my butt, covering my bleeding nose, but making no move to get back up.

"Believe me now?" She sneered. "You finally lost a fight." I didn't bother replying, sitting upright and keeping my eyes down. I was too embarrassed at the fact that I was still crying to even look at her.

I wasn't surprised when Carlisle had to be called in. I sat in the nurse's office, but it was only to control the spread of blood while the parents were called. Noel was fine, sent to the principal's office instead.

I could only do so much.

Andrew came running in after only a minute of sitting there with my head tilted back, Zack right behind him. I had a feeling they weren't supposed to be there, but I sure wasn't complaining.

"Are you okay?" Andrew asked first, as he reached me first. I gave him a look, and his expression saddened. "We tried to get through, but nobody would move." I understood that, so I nodded as much as I could.

"I know." I mumbled, the gauze I held to my face muffling my voice.

"Your dad is out front talking to your teacher." Zack sighed, sitting next to me. "He looked pissed."

I winced. He was never pissed, but I knew he would be over this. I hated this feeling, but I knew the fighting wasn't over yet. Only on my part. I already knew he wouldn't believe me. Maybe he would if Zack and Andrew confirmed my story.

The door opened again, and I knew it was Carlisle. It wasn't a surprise that he was here so quickly since the hospital was only right up the street.

He walked over, and Zack stood back up to give him room.

I kept my eyes averted shamefully, but I couldn't lower my chin yet. At his urging, I righted my head, and allowed him to pull the gauze away. The bleeding had slowed significantly, but I was a complete mess. More than I usually was. I didn't dare lower my head enough to look down, but given how damp my shirt was, it had gotten away more than I thought.

My hand darted back up when I felt the familiar tickle of blood escaping.

"Leandra." He sighed, definitely frustrated as he gently tilted my head back again.

"She started it." I mumbled behind my hand. "I swear."

"She's right." Andrew muttered quietly. "Noel started it. I saw the whole thing."

"There was a rumor at lunch that Noel was going to fight her." Zack confirmed. "I didn't think it'd be today, but I don't think she thought it'd be today either."

"See?" I asked.

"Leandra, just stop." Carlisle corrected me firmly.

"I told you!" I finally shouted at him. I was still pretty angry, but it was hard to be tough with gauze pinned to the lower half my face.

"Not here." He corrected me again, and I shut up. Choosing only to sob a little.

"Really." Andrew pressed, and Carlisle looked over at him. "She was just trying to stand up for herself. Just.. This time, she lost."

"There are other ways to solve a problem." Carlisle replied. "I would like to think you two are better influences on my daughter, but condoning violence isn't the way to convince me."

"What's she supposed to do when there are four facing her that do condone it?" Andrew asked. He was still quiet, still respectful, but I knew he had a point.

"Noel tripped her." Zack added.

"There are other ways." Carlisle repeated, looking at me now. "I've told you this. Many times."

I felt so stupid. I couldn't even walk straight, and I tried to ignore the double-vision I had. It wasn't hard for Carlisle to determine I had a concussion, which prompted a trip back to the hospital.

I was silent all through him signing papers. I was silent all through the exams at the hospital. I was silent, but on the inside, I was fuming. I was angry, and I was hurt that nobody would listen to me, and it was getting quite old that it was automatically my fault. My eye was already clearly black, and my vision was still a little blurry, but it was getting better.

I wasn't allowed Tylenol, or anything else for the pain I was in. I was told it could mask important symptoms of a worse brain injury and could potentially increase my chances of bleeding. So I just had to bear it.

I was given a different shirt to wear, and taken home in a continued mess of tears, but at least my nose was done bleeding.

I shoved passed Emmett on my way through the door. He looked down at me as I passed in my fury, seeming surprised. I was more pissed than I'd been in a long time, but unlike back then, I also recognized that hurt.

"That went well." Emmett commented sarcastically.

"Shut the fuck up!" I barked from the hallway. Now wasn't the time to joke, and I was sure now he knew it.

"Go to your room and rest." Carlisle actually ordered me, and that actually just pissed me off even more.

I pushed my way into my room and slammed the door shut loudly. I wasn't going to lie down. I knew rest was badly needed for a concussion, but I was too worked up, so instead, I punched the door.

I hadn't felt anger like this before. At any point, but I was absolutely livid. I barely felt the pain in my hand, but I had enough sense to make myself stop at one.

I was pacing when my bedroom door opened again. I rounded to face Carlisle.

"I don't wanna see you." I snapped. "This is what made me hate everyone at my old school, and now you're doing it too."

"Doing what, Leandra?" He asked, probably just as irritated. "You've injured yourself by fighting on the first day of school."

"You just randomly think it's my fault."

"What else am I supposed to think?"

"I'm trying." I argued loudly. "Just because that stupid fucking bitch tripped me- Wait. It's not like it fucking matters. Just go away. I don't wanna talk to you." I turned away, crossing the room to my window.

This one wasn't my fault. I was so mad at just everything, and I hated everything, and I was finding it really hard to calm down. Again, I hated the tears that this anger brought forward. I curled upright on the ledge of my window, keeping my head turned away from him while I allowed a few sobs to escape.

I'd never been this mad at him before. I'd never told him to go away.

I forced myself to calm down, though. I really didn't want to fight with them. I still clearly remembered what happened the last time I lost my temper. I just wanted a chance to breathe on my own. To calm down and come to terms with the fact that I'd lost. Why was that so hard to deal with?

He was still there, though, so I did what I could to ignore him.

"You're right." He spoke a few minutes later. "You're right, Leandra. I apologize. Please tell me what happened."

I glanced over at him now seated on my bed. I had a choice. I could be stubborn and stay mad, or I could explain my side. I could give just enough.

"Just like Zack said." I mumbled. "I ignored her as long as I could, but I got trapped outside and they caught up to me. Noel tripped me, and I almost fell, but I turned around instead. I know it was stupid, but it doesn't even matter anyway. She was faster, so she's fine." I looked back out the window.

"My main concern is you." He replied before falling quiet. I fell quiet as well. I had my own accusations, but it wouldn't do any good to fling them at him. I'd calmed down enough to realize that.

He'd told me that he wasn't perfect. This must have been one of those times, but that didn't keep me from feeling hurt and let down.

"You won't be going back." He added quietly.

"Goodie." I grumbled. It didn't even matter much now. The damage was done.

I went to bed as soon as I was given the okay to do so. I should really have known better. I should have put it off as long as I could.

My rough day had to have been behind it.

I suffocated again while I slept. My heart pounded, my limbs numb in fear. It came out of nowhere, the sobbing, wordless plea that woke me up, just as much as Carlisle did. My clothes were damp in cold sweat, and the normal temperature of my room chilled me painfully.

I couldn't stand it. I knew it would happen eventually, but things had shifted back. I was no longer used to this amount of panic, and heartbreak only added onto that. I squeezed my eyes shut, sobbing loudly into my drawn up knees. There was no way humanly possible not to.

I remembered this, but it still felt brand new. I was shaking again. I was panicking again. It was real again, and it'd never stopped.

I didn't understand it. How could a fight at school drag me back down so completely? This was punishment enough, but the cause didn't matter that much. Even after so long of not having to face all of it, everything was still just as dark as I always remembered it, but for some reason, it was able to sneak up on me. Pulling me back into that water.

Once more, I was drowning. Complete with suffocating, scrambling to find some kind of air around the panic. There were no hands to pull me up. Nobody could reach me. There were no bandages that could cover the wounds Jack had left me with. There was nothing anyone could say that was louder than my memories. It wasn't words to me. It was a feeling. An emotion, a physical pain.

That physical pain reached deeper parts of me that shouldn't exist.

Jasper's help came, and I found that breath of air. I clutched to his help like a life raft. Begging it to be enough to pull me back out of that water completely, but it wasn't. It never was.

I sat back, away from the sad and concerned gazes of my family, and I ached. I felt the effects of that fight that afternoon. My head felt exactly like I'd been kicked by a mule, and the light was on.

"Okay." I finally decided to say something about it. "This hurts way more than what Jack did." I pointed to my head, my eyes squeezed shut.

Just like I thought it would, it brought Carlisle forward. Even with expecting it, though, I tensed as he sat beside me, an involuntary reaction. One I hadn't given in quite awhile. One he clearly noticed, but chose not to comment on.

"Where does it hurt?" He asked, and I pressed my palm to the top of my head first, then the back. He nodded, before reaching up and lightly pressing on the back of my neck. I knew he was just making sure nothing was hurt back there. He'd done it so many times before, and something I never had a problem with, but I ducked away this time.

I didn't have an explanation. I wasn't mad. I wasn't that scared anymore, either, but I moved away like I was. I didn't even know where to begin telling him why I did that, so I didn't try. I just looked down.

"Look at me, Leandra." He requested, and I took a second, but I did. I knew he wasn't just looking for signs of a head injury. I knew him well enough by now to know what he saw.

I knew he remembered what I told him about reading people's eyes. Then to look passed what that person was showing. He read the subtle changes in my expression, underneath the tears. Behind the tears, was uncertainty. Using this trick, he didn't need Edward around to know what I was thinking.

"I'm sorry." He finally told me sincerely. It was a heavy apology, and I felt it. There was more than one meaning in it, and I heard it.

"Me too." I mumbled, but just like his apology, there was more than one meaning in my reply.

I didn't do well after that. I tried one more time to sleep, but when it all started over, I was too upset with myself to try again. I was turning it inward again. The hate and blame I usually had for everyone else was turning on me again, and everyone else paid for it.

Of course this was nothing new, and I was long overdue for a bad day. I knew I wouldn't get away with ignoring that personal hell I put myself through for very long.

My head ached badly today, and though I could probably get away with taking something for the pain, I didn't.

The one thing that concerned them was the fact that I refused to talk this morning. I hadn't done that for very long before, but today, I didn't speak to them at all. I hardly looked at them when they were brave enough to visit me in my room. I kept my eyes away, or my head down.

I needed to take a minute. I'd been doing so well for so long, I needed to get reacquainted with this feeling. I needed to find my old familiar place at the bottom. I didn't feel like playing nice. I didn't feel like making up, so I didn't. I let that hang there. I let it get under my skin. As much as I knew I probably shouldn't, I did.

I embraced that hurt a lot easier than I should have. It was what I was used to.

Truthfully, I was reminded with those nightmares why I could never get away from it. Jack was never someone that just went away. He wasn't just a memory. He lived in the minds of people he tortured.

I felt foggy. I needed so badly to clear my head, but I didn't even know where to start. I eventually stood up without a word, and crawled out of my window.

No one stopped me because I wasn't going far. I didn't dare risk trying to climb, but I found a nice little spot on the far side of the base of the closest tree to sit and just think.

I always felt restless after a bad night. I was just looking for a spot to sit and nurse my wounds, but after too much sitting, I felt like I wasn't doing enough. So going outside gave that shame something to do. Being outside made me feel less closed in.

"Honey?"

Before I even realized it, evening had started to fall, and I was shivering cold.

I looked over at Esme standing beside me, not even hearing her approach. I numbly looked forward again. I was withdrawing, and I knew it, but there really wasn't much I could do about it.

Without a word, she sighed and sat beside me at the base of this tree, and hugged me into her side. I appreciated that.

"Are you hungry?" She eventually did ask. Not really. I was too busy hating myself. I didn't need to reply. All I did was look at her, and she understood. I wasn't ready to live again yet.

The most I did was return to my room. Surprisingly without hesitation. I curled up under my blanket, if only to get warm.

Of course I dreamed again that night. Of course I was swept up in that time of my life, and of course I couldn't get away from it that easily. It'd been too good to be true. Too good to last.

Their worry and concern bothered me. I knew I was slipping. I knew they knew it too. The more I was watched, the more restless I became. The fact that I still had yet to speak to any of them only added to that, but I didn't know what I could say that hadn't already been said a million times before.

I was scarred. Damaged, and the sooner they accepted that, the better for them.

Sometime just passed midnight, I crawled out of my window again. I needed to feel less closed in, and back behind the house was the perfect place to do that. It was cold, especially against my clammy skin, but it was better than sitting alone with my painful thoughts in my room.

I was still restless by the time morning came, but I still sat at the base of the tree. I couldn't really explain the way this felt. I knew it was all in my head, and I was only doing it to myself, but I couldn't stop. Something was in motion.

I was surprised when Andrew suddenly arrived at my side later that morning. I hadn't heard his arrival, so I was taken a little off guard, and I felt so stupid with tears down both cheeks.

"I wanted to see you." He mumbled, settling on the ground beside me. "I wanted to see how you're doing, but I guess not that good."

I really wasn't sure if my family had called him or if he actually came over on his own, but it didn't matter that much.

"There's something wrong with me." I finally spoke for the first time in two days.

"No." He replied. "There's nothing wrong with you. You're trying to tell yourself that the life you had before never happened. You used to be somewhere else before you came here."

I nodded, but looked down.

"It sucks, but you can't pretend that that part of your life never happened." He went on quietly. "You'll tear yourself apart trying to fill that gap with stuff that isn't supposed to be there. Nothing will make sense."

Curious, I looked over at him.

"At least that's what my dad says." He sighed. "He's worried about you too. He says people can't outrun their past for very long, and it always catches up. He's worried you're going to get into stuff you shouldn't, just to try to stay ahead of it."

"I'm not getting into anything." I mumbled.

"Not yet." He replied. "He means when you're older." I still shook my head. Just like before, I couldn't even think about that far ahead. The dark was hiding it.

"I'm not pretending it didn't happen." I finally commented. "I know it happened. All of it happened. I just can't figure out how to make it stop hurting me."

"Well, look at it this way." He said. "You lived through it."

"Not all of me." I admitted, looking back down, and he looked over at me. I closed my eyes. "I just wanna be okay. Why can something like a stupid fight do this to me? I hate this feeling so much."

He obviously didn't know that answer, but I didn't blame him.

He hugged me into his side, and I let him. I was glad he was the one that came over. I knew I wasn't able to hide this right now. A visit from Josh or Zack would have just made it harder.

"I know it's rough right now." He mumbled after a moment. "It'll get better."

But I didn't feel like it. I was confused. It was so familiar, but at the same time, I almost didn't recognize it. It was the same dark cloud, but it was different in some way.

I sincerely hoped this time was just like all the other times. Everything would suck for a few days, but would eventually even out. Just like always.

He left a few hours later, leaving me with my thoughts and more silence. Thoughts crossed my mind during those last few hours of daylight that I knew I shouldn't be having. I focused on the ground under my feet, so still on the outside, but inside, I was aching.

I felt like something was missing again.

"Alright, shorty." I jumped a little at Emmett's sudden arrival at my side. "Come on, up you get."

I shook my head at the ground, but he wasn't having that. He lightly took my arm and helped me to my feet. I didn't fight him, or even resist, brushing off my pajama shorts.

"First, you're going to eat something." He said, leaving no option. "While you're doing that, you're going to listen." I let him lead me back toward the house. I wanted so bad for him to get through to me like he always had.

He led me inside, and right for the kitchen. I wasn't surprised to find a plate of food already sitting there. I found Esme's concerned gaze next.

"Sit." Emmett suggested, so I did. Taking a breath, and sighing heavily. "I'm probably wrong, but if this is all about you losing that fight, sometimes you just have to accept-"

"That's not it." I mumbled, shaking my head. "I know. I can't win every fight."

"Okay?" He prompted, waiting for me to continue. "If that's not it, what is it?"

"I don't know." I replied, hesitantly lifting my fork. I had to admit, I was hungry.

"Don't clam up, shorty." He sat beside me. "Come on. What's bugging you?" I sat silently, but I did take a bite.

He was actually quite patient. I could only focus on one thing at a time, and eating was the one thing. I did feel a little better now that I'd eaten. A little less hollow, but I still felt cold.

"I don't know what it is." I finally mumbled after several minutes of complete silence. "I just.. Can't figure it out. I can't figure out why nobody listened to me. Nobody believed me. I know it's not a big deal to you, but it's a big deal to me. I wasn't ready."

"You've gotta see it from our side, shorty." He replied, and I looked over. "You're a little human. Socializing with other little humans is an important skill for you to have." I scoffed, so he nodded. "It's true. It helps you learn better ways to express emotion, and it helps you learn how to cope on your own, outside of your comfort zone. Everyone goes through it. It's not that we didn't believe you. We just knew that it's something you're eventually going to have to face, and get a little better at."

I didn't want to fight, but every word of his explanation just felt like a huge lie. They'd known right from the start that I wasn't like other humans. I was different. The steps and rules that applied to other humans wouldn't apply to me in the same way. I'd spent almost an entire year proving that to them.

"That's bullshit." I muttered, and he actually seemed surprised. "You knew I wasn't ready. I needed more time."

"How much more time?" He asked. "Please. When would have been a better time to practice? When you're thirty?"

"Never." I snapped a little.

"Exactly." He replied. "If you had it your way, you'd never even try. You're a human, shorty. You can't turn your back on what you are."

"You do." I pointed out sharply, looking over at him. "You're a vampire, pretending to be a human. Why can't I just not be a human? Why is that so damn wrong?"

"We're different." He said, shaking off his surprise.

"So am I!" I couldn't help shouting. Anger swelled in me, and I couldn't beat it back. I'd been stewing for days, and he was trying to give me lies and excuses, and it did nothing but fuel that flame.

Instead of continuing, though, I let that hang there, and I stood up. I didn't want to fight.

"Hold on, shorty." He stupidly followed me into the living room. I wasn't that surprised to see it crowded. Everyone, especially Jasper, knew when I wasn't okay anymore, and they tended to all want to be there when it all came loose.

I didn't look at them, though. I wanted to get to my room before I said anything else.

"Talk to me." He insisted, lightly taking my arm again before I could even reach the hall. I spun instead, yanking my arm out of his hand.

"You're supposed to be the ones on my side." I snapped up at him. "It's a big deal to me. Throwing me into the middle of a bunch of humans isn't going to make me human. No matter how bad you wish it would. There's no way you couldn't know that, because I told you!"

"No matter how bad you wish you weren't, you are human." Jasper piped up, bringing my attention to him. "It's a fact you're refusing to face."

"I'm facing it." I snapped at him this time. "You're the one trying to make me something I'm not. Yeah, I'm human, but I'm different."

"Your past doesn't make you different." His collected tone was only pissing me off more.

"Jack makes me different." I countered. "He's the one-"

"He's gone."

"If you think that matters, you haven't been paying attention at all."

"You're using it as an excuse." He shook his head.

I was finally mad enough to not have the words to express it. Instead, I just gave an angry growl and I attempted again to get to my room. This time, Rosalie was in my way. I attempted to step around her, but she countered.

Jasper spoke again. "I want to know the cause of your sudden tantrum."

"Tantrum?" I asked, rounding again to face him. "How come every time I feel something, it's a fucking tantrum?"

"Language, Leandra." Esme corrected quietly.

"What about it?" I shouted in her direction, instantly gaining everyone's full attention. Signified by their shocked expressions. I had never shouted at Esme before. Never. Not in the way I just had, and I honestly didn't mean to shout at her the way I just had. I clenched my fists and clenched my teeth.

"Fix it." Jasper demanded. "Now."

"I am the way I am because of Jack." I looked at him again. "You can't fix that! You can cover it all you want to, but you can't fix me!"

"You're not broken."

"Yes I am!" I replied. "This is me! Nobody promised you I'd be easy to handle! You knew that! Right from the fucking start, you knew what I am. Well, if you're sick of me, then just say it! I'm not here to waste your precious time!"

"You couldn't be more wrong." Carlisle spoke from beside Esme. "I promise-"

"Promises!" I shouted as loud as I could. "You promised I'd never have to do anything I didn't want to do, but.. You made me go!"

"Within reason." Carlisle replied evenly. "I-"

"That's bullshit!"

"Language!" Jasper's voice wasn't quite a shout, but it was louder than mine. "You're out of line, Leandra." I turned my eyes back to him.

"Hitting me won't shut me up forever, Jasper!" I watched his eyes widen a little. "I know what I did was bad, but it's about damn time I start thinking about myself! Nobody else is! I'm fucking selfish. I'm mean, and I hate everyone. I'm so mad. So much, sometimes I can't breathe. I can't get away from it, no matter what you do or what fucking school you throw me in. Jack is gone, but he's not, because I'm still here."

I needed to pause for a breath.

"I'll never be a good person." I went on. "That's the way I am. Don't try to change who I am, because I'll fight you every step of the fucking way!"

Nobody said a word at first. The silence was almost suffocating after the heat of my words. I stood there, staring at him from my spot by the wall. Defensive as I've ever been.

"Fine." Jasper finally spoke. "You want to act like a caged animal your entire life? I won't stand in your way." He stood there for a moment longer, and I half expected him to continue. I watched, glaring after him as Jasper turned instead, and left the room. Alice quickly scooting after him. The slamming of the front door had me look around again.

"Anything else?" I demanded, and I watched as Carlisle only shook his head. Also leaving the room. Much slower than Jasper had, but it made more of a statement.

"Shorty." Emmett murmured, shaking his head.

"What?" I asked. "You want to start in, too? I didn't ask to be this way, Emmett! I didn't even ask to be fucking born, so just lay the fuck off!"

I turned, storming toward my room. Before I could reach it, my arm was taken roughly. Almost yanking me to a stop. I was tired, and just wanted to be left alone, so I spun again, laying an open handed slap against Rosalie's cheek. She hadn't expected the action, which was the only way I managed to succeed at all. Although, I wasn't sure if that was succeeding. Only making things worse.

She was shocked, and I hid my pain well as I held her gaze unwaveringly. When she didn't let me go, I yanked my arm from her hand roughly, pushing her away from me the best I could. Emmett was suddenly there right as I turned, continuing on toward my room. Probably to hold her back.

"Holy shit, shorty. Are you crazy?" Emmett asked after me, but I didn't stop. Slamming the door as hard and loudly as I could, I locked with trembling fingers. Arguing out in the hallway told me Emmett was trying to calm her down.

"Fuck." I gasped as quietly, holding my hand to myself. It felt exactly like hitting a stone boulder as hard as I could with my bare hand. Pain throbbed ruthlessly up my entire arm into my shoulder, which told me how stupid of a move that really was. I gasped in quiet sobs of pain, finally making myself move away from the door.

I crossed the room before sitting on the floor, beside the other side of the bed, my back to the door. Holding my arm to myself, I clenched my teeth around the pain, forcing myself to keep breathing.

The longer I sat in there, the more I realized. Everything I'd said, the accusations I'd thrown couldn't be taken back. I cried, sure, but this time, I wouldn't try to take anything back.

Every word I'd shouted was exactly how I felt, so there was no reason to.

I was in there for a little under an hour. Now seated cross-legged on my bed, I continued to hold my hand to myself, thinking.

Forcing myself to breathe deeply, the pain in my hand reminding me how different I was compared to them. I'd never hurt myself hitting someone else before. Definitely not with just a slap.

After a few minutes, I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. Why did it seem so easy to lose it? I hated how quickly I could lose my temper.

With a sigh, I realized why I hated it so much. It reminded me too much of Jack.

The way I yelled, for something so stupid. Something that should have been common knowledge by now. How I could go from a little upset, to angry and yell very hurtful things really bothered me. Like Jasper had pointed out. Like a caged animal. How I could just turn on those I cared about most without a second thought, when just a few days ago, I was begging them to stay.

Looking down at my blanket, I wondered just how much Jack taught me. I already knew that I knew too much, but how deep did those lessons go?

It had been a problem before, and I realized it still was. I realized it was getting worse. I was getting meaner. Before it was more directed at humans and their stupidity. Now it was more and more being directed toward my family. I hated myself for it, but hating myself wasn't going to change it.

This was a problem.

A problem I had no idea how to go about fixing. It was as if the longer I was here, the less human I became. I knew that wasn't literally the case, and I knew that I was just as human as I always was, but how I acted didn't seem that way. I was mean, plain and simple. I always had been, and it didn't seem like such a problem before, but now it did. Now I was turning on my family. Now I was throwing things back at them just the way I hated having done to me. Now I was hitting them, just to get them away from me.

Why would I do that? I didn't want that. I never wanted that. I was pushing, shoving them away like they didn't mean anything to me.

I had meant every word I'd said, it was true, but I didn't have to yell it like that. I was slowly beginning to realize. It had dawned on me that what Jack had told me. The last conversation I had with him was proving true. I remembered his words, his tone of voice.

"You're not going to let it go. You know why? Because you'll always remember me. Every time you look at yourself. That hate is in you, little girl, and it'll always be there. I know, because I put it there."

I hadn't paid his words much mind back then. I couldn't, through the fear, but I certainly did now because he was right. He was right, and I couldn't deny it anymore. I hadn't let it go. I couldn't let it go. Not when it was still hurting me to this day.

I'd left that life behind, the life of hatred and anger. I'd left it behind over a year and a half ago now, and yet, I was still learning from him. I was still being taught that hate, and how very, very easy it was to hurt the ones I loved. Whether I wanted to or not, I would. Unable to help it, unable to change.

I gave a quiet sob and lowered my head, my uninjured hand reaching up and knotting in my hair. I hated Jack. With every fiber of my being, and what he taught me was that it was impossible to let it go. I would always hate him until that hate ruined every part of my life.

That darkness was still in me. The same one Heather was telling me to accept, but I couldn't just accept it. In that darkness was everything I was afraid of, but I couldn't fight against the inside of my own mind. It was too strong.

I sat in my room and waited. I waited for the time when someone, probably Carlisle, would come in and tell me how horrible I was. Watching them walk away was painful at the time, but I hadn't stopped to think about that. The angry part of me was just glad they were leaving me alone.

I looked up at the door opening as if it'd never been locked. An hour before, I would have minded. It didn't surprise me that Carlisle came in alone. Not with how iffy I was today. He sighed, sitting on the side of the bed. I let him take my wrist and bring my hand to himself.

It was quiet for a minute or two as he looked over my hand, and he sighed again.

"Leandra, I know you were upset earlier." He told me. "But do you remember what I said about shouting things you didn't mean?"

"I meant them." I corrected quietly. "I meant every single word." He looked up, meeting my eyes.

"Let me explain something to you." He finally sighed, reaching beside himself to grab an ace wrap. "Just listen for a moment. Can you do that without interrupting me?" I nodded, letting him know I'd try. "You've fallen under the false impression that we somehow disapprove of the way you are." I bit my lip, wanting to interrupt, but I stayed quiet. Waiting for him to continue.

"But that's all it is. A very false impression. I can understand how you came to that conclusion, and I'm sorry. Jasper wasn't trying to make you feel bad, Leandra. He was trying so hard to help you. From the moment you met him, he's done nothing but try to help you."

I winced a little at a particularly painful wrap around my fingers, and I looked down.

"Luckily," He went on. "A family like ours doesn't stay together because we never fight. Quite the contrary. There are many things we just do not agree on. We have our disagreements, Leandra. We have our differences, but no matter what, we work it out. We listen to the things not said just as closely as we listen to the things shouted."

I looked down, but I stayed quiet.

"And believe me, nobody wants you to remain yourself more than I do." He continued. "I'm not trying to change a thing about you, but your burden. No one here wants you to change, and we understand more than I think you know how a past can influence someone the rest of their lives, but overcoming the limits your mind sets for you is a skill is best learned through experience. One day, you'll understand what I mean. For now, all I ask is to just be patient with yourself."

He sighed, securing the wrap tightly and gently setting my hand back on my knee. He wasn't mad at me for yelling at them. I was surprised.

"You know better than most that setbacks happen." He said. "The path ahead isn't straight-forward, but one thing you can always count on, is that you're never alone. No matter what you do or even yell, you'll never be alone. Our one priority is you and your welfare, and that'll never change. You don't have to hold those things back until you explode. If something is bothering you, by all means. Talk about it. No matter what it is, you'll be heard."

I took a breath, and nodded as I sighed.

"Now." He sighed as well. "I want to address something you brought up before. You've always seen yourself as different than everyone else, but you've never really explained why that is."

"Well.." I mumbled hesitantly, but I paused. I didn't really know how to explain it. "I don't.. I don't really know. Before, when I was in school, I used to listen to them. The other kids. I never really got the things they talked about. Not just because I didn't understand, but.. In a different way."

"I think I understand." He nodded.

"I've been thinking about that a lot lately, too." I admitted, keeping my eyes down. I knew he was still listening. "Is it.. Weird that I don't even really know myself?"

"How do you mean?" He asked quietly.

"Like.. I'm just me. I know I'm me, but I don't know who I'm supposed to be." I explained. "I don't know that much about me."

He nodded again. "That's very common. After everything you've been through, it takes time to build a life for yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"You've never had a chance to become someone." He replied. "All you've ever been allowed to be is what Jack allowed you to be. You have your preferences, of course, and things you dislike, but that's as far as you've ever been allowed to know. You're just getting to know yourself as your own person, and that's a scary and confusing thing."

He was exactly right, and I easily realized that.

"Before you came to us, every bit of your personality was dictated or suppressed." He continued. "You take your life experiences, and that's what determines what kind of person you'll become on the other side. In your case, you feel like you don't know who you are without someone telling you who you are. It's easy to become discouraged and confused about things like this, because there's no real right or wrong way to develop and grow. You're just realizing that. Give it time."

"So I'm not weird?"

"Definitely not." He said. "You're doing quite well, even through these setbacks. Even on the days you don't believe you're strong enough to stand, just remember that it won't last." I was starting to see that too. My bad days felt endless, but after awhile, they did clear.

I was quiet for a second.

"I'm grounded, huh?" I asked hesitantly, and he smirked, amused.

"I don't think that would be helpful in this case." He replied after a second of thought. "In fact, I think restricting you has been the opposite of helpful."

I used to be able to come and go as often as I wanted. I used to be able to just leave and go to Andrew's house whenever I felt like going. That ended the day some older kids decided to take out some anger on me over the fights I used to get in at school.

I understood that completely, but I had to admit, I did miss that sense of freedom. I loved being able to go whenever I wanted. I loved just walking, going somewhere. We lived close enough to make it on foot to Andrew's house within twenty minutes, and there was something about being able to just decide to go.

"So I'm lifting that restriction." He went on with a sigh. That surprised me enough to look up at him quickly. "Nobody will attempt to stop you. I'm trying a new tactic with you, and I can only hope it goes the way I want it to. Just please.." He paused. "Please be careful. Wherever you go, be careful."

"Even after what I did at school?" I asked. I was confused. This was new, and most certainly unexpected.

"You were absolutely right, Leandra." He answered. "Forcing you to interact by sending you to school isn't helping you. I was mistaken. You're perfectly capable of finding your own way, and you were doing just fine in that aspect before we had to keep you home."

I met Josh and Zack pretty much on my own, by following Andrew to their house one day. On my own, I'd made two new friends. Not by being shoved at school.

"What we saw today scared me. It told me we're holding you too tight, and that isn't working." He looked down at me. "Holding too tight makes you fight too hard, and I don't like seeing that in you. So you may go, and all I'm asking is that you be careful."

That was a nice change. I was very appreciative of this decision, and I already felt lighter. I looked toward my bedroom door hesitantly, though.

"I think I'll stay for now."

"Why is that?" Carlisle asked curiously.

"Because Rosalie is out there." I replied and he smirked again.

"And I'm waiting for an apology." I heard her call. I winced, looking at Carlisle nervously. I jumped a little at her sudden arrival in the doorway. Her arms crossed, looking less than happy about what I'd done.

"I'm sorry." I immediately said.

"It's now clear to me that you've got more bravery than brains, Leandra." She replied. "I won't hit you, because that's painful enough." She gestured to my hand. "Slapping me wasn't a smart idea, was it?" She was rubbing it in, but she had every right to. That was too far.

"I'm sorry." I said again, hoping that didn't piss her off. "I was just-"

"I know why you did it." She told me evenly. "Don't do it again. I won't be so nice next time, and hiding behind Carlisle won't save you." I nodded instantly, knowing she wasn't bluffing.

"It was her suggestion." Carlisle informed me. "To let you come and go."

"Just use your head." She snapped lightly. "It's not that hard."

"Thank you." I was shocked. Honestly surprised that she'd want to do anything nice for me at all. Especially after I hit her.

"It wasn't for your benefit." She replied. "Trust me. I just know what keeping you here would be like, and I'm tired of the fighting." She paused. "But if you get yourself into trouble, you have us behind you. Remember that. And if you ever somehow get further than Seattle alone, I'll skin you myself. Am I clear?"

"Seattle?" I asked, surprised. "How far do you think I'm going?"

"Save it." She told me. "After long enough around here, you're going to want to wander further. You'll get creative." She went to turn, but paused. "Just.. Come back now and then, alright? At least let us know you're still alive." Her impatience with me was a little funny, but I didn't dare laugh.

She left, and I looked up at Carlisle.

"This is weird." I admitted. "I'm not sure if I like it. It feels too much like you're giving me away."

"Not at all." He replied. "I'm just trying to do what's best by you." I looked down. "Taking past events into consideration, Rosalie is right. Confining you isn't the answer. If you're free to wander, I'm hoping it will give you the space you need to find yourself. Now that town is a little safer for you, I feel somewhat comfortable with letting you out on your own."

"So.." I mumbled hesitantly. "Nobody will follow me? I'll be all on my own?"

"You'll be on your own." He agreed. "As much as that worries me, I know it's what you need. Only two conditions." I waited. "Carry this with you." He pulled out a familiar cell phone from his pocket, and I smiled a little, hesitant to take it as I looked up at him. "Please? It'll make me feel better knowing you can call me at any time." I sighed, but reached up. Taking it from him.

"Never leave that here." He said, and I nodded. "And if you plan on leaving town for whatever reason, come see me before you go. So I can make sure you have money on you before you go. I don't want you stranded somewhere without a way to get lunch." I nodded again, appreciating it. I wasn't tempted to go anywhere besides Andrew's house, but he was only thinking ahead for me.

I hadn't expected this outcome. I thought I'd only ensured a longer grounding with my behavior. This was new. I never thought this fight would end in the proverbial leash being removed, but I wasn't complaining.

A/N: Okay. Time for excuses.
This chapter is INSANELY overdue. Holidays have completely taken over my freaking house, and I've been attacked by the ever-hated writer's block. I really didn't want to just type out anything, and hope it was good. I'm still not entirely sure about this, but I needed to give you guys something. Even if it's filler.
One of my AMAZING readers actually helped make this happen. He knows who he is, but I can't even express my gratitude for what he did for me. It's because of him, and someone dear to both of us, that I now have copies of the stories I completely lost when my flash drive died. So I can't thank him enough.
On that note, I will say THANK YOU to my AWESOME REVIEWERS! Each and every one of you mean so much to me! I look forward to your feedback after every chapter. I just hope I haven't lost you all because of how long this took to come out. :'(
Chapter nine (HOPEFULLY) won't take too long. With Christmas coming, which I have my own issues with, I hope I can at least focus on getting nine out before then. Sheesh lol I hate my mind sometimes.
Until Nine, my friends!