Chapter Nine
I didn't leave the house immediately. I waited until the idea seemed okay first.
The first place I went was Andrew's house the next day. Of course, I had to wait for school to be let out, but I was okay with that. I made double sure I had the phone in my pocket before I left, just to prove I could be trusted.
He seemed surprised to see me when I showed up, and I really had to admit, I loved the walk. It felt like forever since I'd gotten to take that walk by myself. It was even better than climbing trees.
"Hey." He smiled as soon as he saw it was me at the door. The next thing he did was glance behind me, looking for whoever had dropped me off.
"Just me." I said, watching as he stepped outside.
"They let you come here by yourself?" He was even more surprised by that. "What about Noel?"
"She got what she wanted." I sighed a little. "I don't think she'll care anymore."
"True." He winced. "I'm still sorry about that."
"Maybe it's better this way." I shrugged. "I wasn't really expecting to be let out again, but I'm not complaining. It was Rosalie's idea."
"She seems kinda mean."
"She's not mean." I smiled a little, sitting on the top step of the porch. He lowered to sit beside me. "I think I know how she feels. I got away with hitting her yesterday."
"No you didn't." He pointed to my wrapped hand. I looked down at it.
"I hit her pretty hard." I admitted. "But she wasn't even that mad about it. I mean, I'd never do it again, because it was stupid, but she wasn't mad."
He smirked. "Zack can't even get away with hitting Josh."
"Uh-uh." I smirked as well. "Josh would hit him back. Speaking of them, though, how are they doing?"
"Wanna go see them?" He offered, gesturing to the sidewalk.
"Sure." I nodded, and he stood up. Helping me stand up, as if he was worried about me. I had a feeling that it would be like that until my bruises faded.
We started up the walk together, and I didn't mind the slow pace.
"So how long are you allowed to be out?" He asked, probably curious.
"I have to be home before dark." I replied. "Just like all the times before. I'll probably spend all my time over here."
"You're not going back to school, are you?" He seemed sad about that.
"No. At least for now." I shrugged a little.
"Probably a good idea." He said. "I don't like seeing you get hurt." I knew that.
Josh must have seen us coming, because we didn't make it to the front door before he was outside with us as we arrived.
"Jeez, look at you." He frowned. He leaned over to get a better look at the side of my face.
"Don't remind me." I muttered, glancing behind him as Zack bounded outside like a golden retriever.
"I heard all about it." Josh added, shaking his head. "I should go punch her in the face, just to make it even."
"You don't hit girls." Zack pointed out. "Dad would skin you."
"Fair is fair." Josh shrugged, looking at him. "I think he'd get it as soon as he saw her. Besides. If she can get her stupid friends to hunt her down, I think she's allowed to do that too."
"Nah." I sighed. "I kinda just want it over. I don't care about anything else."
"Wait." Zack muttered, suddenly remembering. "How are you not grounded?"
"Yeah." Josh frowned as well, confused. "Fighting at school always means grounded."
"Not for me." I replied simply.
"Okay, you officially have the coolest parents on Earth." Josh laughed, and I smiled a little.
"They just know me, but I kinda agree. They are the coolest."
Even with how badly I'd exploded at them, they didn't hold it against me. It was true, I had yet to talk to Jasper, but that was my doing. I was a little afraid of what he had to say. Shame had a lot to do with that.
"Wanna come inside?" Josh offered. "I know my mom would love to see you." I laughed a little. Probably not in my condition.
"Sure." I replied, and we started toward the house. I knew Heather was home, because I easily recognized her car sitting in the driveway. Mark was always home.
I trailed after them, walking into the house right as Heather was making her way toward us from the kitchen Probably heading toward the living room. She had a piece of paper in her hands, looking it over, so she didn't see us right away.
"Look what I found." Josh spoke, bringing her attention to us. She paused mid-step, sighing and walking toward us as her expression turned scolding. She gently took my chin in her hand, inspecting my bruises just like I knew she would.
"As happy as I am to see you, sweetheart, I'm not happy to see this." She said, and I laughed a little.
"I know." I mumbled. "I'm okay, though. I had a concussion, but I'm being careful."
"Good." She replied, releasing my chin and hugging me gently. "You need to take it easy. Are you guys hungry? You're welcome to stay for dinner. I'm making tacos, and there's plenty."
That's what that amazing smell was.
"Sure." I was saying that word a lot today. Beside me, Andrew nodded as well. "But I have to be back before dark." She greeted Andrew with a side-hug as well, which he seemed to appreciate.
"I'll let your parents know, just in case." She assured me. "And I'm driving you back myself. No arguments." She pointed at me, and I laughed. I could live with that. I nodded. "Okay. I'll let you guys know when it's ready."
We all nodded, and Josh led us toward the living room. The TV was on, but nothing too interesting was playing. In the half-hour it took for dinner to be done, I only got more hungry.
We sat around and talked about everything, but as soon as dinner was ready, we didn't talk much until after everyone was done eating. I had a feeling someone tipped Mark off, because he didn't say anything about how I looked. That made me feel a little better.
Nobody treated me any different, and by the time I had to go home, I knew this little visit had gone well. It wasn't often that my visits here went badly, but it still surprised me how different it was compared to home.
There was always a tension at home I always noticed. It wasn't ever really brought up, but I knew it was there, and it wasn't something that could really be helped. A constant reminder that I needed to be careful with everything I did. Proven immediately the night I cut my thumb.
Here, that tension didn't exist. It was just a different feeling. That was probably what I appreciated the most about my time spent here.
It felt like forever since I'd been here, but it'd only been almost two weeks since the wedding.
True to her word, she drove me back home herself. Giving Andrew a lift home too, and by then, Richard had gotten home so I knew he'd be okay.
I was a little grateful for the ride, because my head was aching a little by now. Walking home by myself would have made it worse. Giving me a warm hug before I left the car, she made sure I made it inside before she left.
I knew I'd be seeing her soon enough. She'd probably get sick of me.
I sighed heavily, making my way toward the living room. Rubbing the top of my head in an attempt to stop the pain. I was headed to the bathroom for the bottle of Tylenol sitting in the medicine cabinet, but I paused, seeing Jasper there in the living room. Sitting on the couch by himself.
He looked over at me, and I quickly dropped my hand in an attempt to hide the fact that my head was hurting. The last thing I needed was for them to think I couldn't handle freedom.
I offered a small smile, but I still felt horrible for how I talked to him. Besides me, he had to be the most confused. Only days before I yelled at him, I was begging him not to go away.
I just didn't know how to approach anything close to an explanation, so I wasn't sure I should try. I took a quiet breath, ready to go to my room. Wanting to avoid it for now.
"Leandra, wait." He spoke quietly. I paused, looking back at him. He gestured to the empty couch beside him, so I hesitantly crossed the room, and I slowly sat.
He took a few moments to gather his thoughts. In those few moments, my nervousness started to grow.
"From the moment I met you, you've been a mystery." I looked down. "It's not easy for me to relate to you, because to be honest, I've never been in your place. I don't know what it's like living with those kinds of memories. I don't know what it's like growing up with what you have."
He paused, and I waited. Carefully tucking my hands behind my knees. It made me feel just a little less insecure.
"And what I don't relate to, I try to control." He continued. "It's just the way I am. I make no excuses, and I give no apologies. I'm only giving you an explanation. A reason for my behavior last week. I don't understand you, Leandra. You're just as much a mystery to me as I am, no doubt, to you. All I'm asking is for you to have a bit of patience with me while I try to understand you." I could do that.
"My expertise is with newborns. Not human children. Newborns, I've controlled before, and I know exactly what to do when they start acting the way you did. I cannot do that with you, as you're far more fragile. At a loss of what to do, I left the room. I hope you understand."
"I do." I replied, nodding a little. I didn't blame him for it. It was exactly the right thing to do at the time.
"You don't act like others your age. Nobody expects what you'll do next, and that's both unsettling and fascinating at the same time. You're unpredictable, and we're bound to make mistakes. Giving you freedom, however, seems to be the right way to go. Although, I must admit, I'm pretty hesitant about getting my hopes up with you. One second, something seems to be working, and the next, it doesn't."
I frowned. "So wait. You think I acted like a newborn?"
"You feel too much. We already knew that was a problem, but it just gets worse when you get worked up or cornered. When you're passionate about something, you really get going. I've never seen a human display it the way you do. Not once."
"Is that bad?" I asked, wincing a little.
He paused, hesitating just a moment. "It means that if it stays this way, or if it keeps getting worse as you get older, then you're going to be one hell of a newborn." I couldn't help laughing a little. That wasn't what I was expecting him to say. "We're going to have trouble controlling you at first. Until we get used to the idea that you're not as fragile."
"I'm not fragile." I hated being considered so.
"You have no idea." He seemed to find that amusing. I sighed, and decided to let him have this one.
"So does this mean you don't hate me anymore?"
"I never hated you." He replied, surprised. "Not once. I was just waiting to approach the subject until I knew for sure you were open to it. Until I could approach it, I didn't want to attempt talking."
"I feel a little better now." I admitted, sighing.
"I'm glad." He chuckled quietly. "Leandra, something you'll eventually learn is that no matter what you do, we're not giving up. You have your issues, but we all do. Giving up on you would be unforgivable, because we don't give up on our family. Ever. No matter the circumstance."
"I'm starting to see that." I smiled a little, looking down.
"Just do me one favor." He requested. "Don't ever do that again."
"I'll try." I sighed. "I don't like feeling that way either, but I can't control it. It's like.. Like it's not even me anymore. I'm sorry."
"What do you mean?" He asked, turning a little to face me.
"I don't like acting that way." I mumbled, glancing over. "I hate it so much, but I still do it, and I don't feel bad for it while I'm doing it, but after I calm down, I remember, and it's hard to believe I acted that way. It's not me."
He was quiet for a moment, glancing away in thought.
"This may sound like a weird question." He finally spoke again. "But can you think of any points in your life that you can't recall? Time loss, or amnesia?"
I hummed in thought, looking up for a second.
"There's a lot I don't remember about when I was little." I replied. "But I think that's normal."
"Anything more recently?" He asked, and I shook my head.
"No." I answered, still confused. "I wish I could forget everything, but I remember it. Why?"
"No reason." He said, and of course, I knew there was a reason he asked me those things, but he clearly didn't want to talk about that reason. I could only draw one conclusion.
"I'm not crazy, Jasper." I mumbled, and he shook his head.
"It's always best to ask anyway." He replied. "You've seen and experienced so much violence, in so many different parts of your life. The human mind develops ways of coping with those experiences. That wouldn't make you crazy."
That made sense, so I sighed.
"No." I said again. "I'm just me, I guess. I wish I had a way of coping. Maybe it would make all this stuff easier."
"You'll find it." He assured me. "You seem to be doing a pretty good job so far."
"Except for when I yell at you." I pointed out.
"That's another thing I must apologize for." He nodded. "You're right. I need to understand that outbursts are going to happen. There is an aggression in you that we need to address. Eventually. That's all."
It seemed simple when he put it like that.
"Perhaps starting there is a better idea, and if we can find a healthy outlet for that aggression, I'm sure things would go much smoother for you." He added. "Unfortunately, most human options involve being around other humans." I cringed, and he nodded.
"Maybe when I'm like thirty or something." I mumbled.
"Hopefully sooner than that."
I shrugged, and let it go. The thought made me nervous, but I couldn't get too mad about it. I'd save it for when it was needed.
"There is one more thing you should be aware of." He must have sensed I was getting ready to leave.
"What?" I asked hesitantly.
"Your mother is coming by tomorrow for a visit with you."
I suddenly remembered. I was supposed to see her at some point last week. I was a little preoccupied.
"I'll be around if you need my help." He went on. "But we think it would be best for you to talk with her alone. If you think you're capable of it."
"Yeah." I answered quietly. "I think I'll be okay." He nodded, but I was reminded painfully of the emotion I felt in that dream. If that had really been hers, I would know it right away the next day.
I sighed, closing my eyes and covering my head again. I couldn't help it. Even just sitting here calmly, it was only getting worse.
"Headache." I explained before he could even ask.
"That's normal with your particular injury." He replied easily. "If it becomes unbearable, let us know." I nodded.
"It's not unbearable." I looked back up. "But I kinda wanna take something for it."
"I'm sure that's acceptable."
I nodded a little and stood up.
"Oh, one more thing." I looked back at him. "I just wanted to let you know that Alice still sees nothing out of the ordinary happening. I thought you should know that."
That helped. I felt a little better knowing she was still watching.
"Thanks." I replied sincerely. "And.. Thank you. For talking to me."
"You're welcome." He stood up as well. "It's not a requirement to agree on everything to be considered a family, Leandra. We just need to be willing to meet half way, and understand each other the best we can."
I was beginning to understand that part better than he knew.
I felt a little nauseous when I went to bed that night. I thought it was the fact that I'd had the water a little too hot for my bath, but even after cooling off, it was still there. Something wasn't settling right in my stomach, and laying down was the only way I could think of to ease it.
My head ached less, but that pain was still there.
I really wasn't surprised when I woke up only a few hours after going to bed. My hair damp from tears, my heart pounding too hard and my breathing tight. I hated this feeling so much, but at least I wasn't crying now.
I glanced over, and spotted Esme as she carefully sat on the side of my bed. She'd been the one to wake me up, and I was grateful for that. She sat with me while I came around a little more.
"When does this stop?" I asked quietly, my voice trembling lightly.
"I'm afraid I don't know." She replied sadly. "Everyone is different." I knew that. I turned my attention out the window. It was raining tonight. "What was it, sweetie?"
I was surprised by that question, because nobody ever really outright asked me to tell them what they were waking me up from. I looked over at her, but I wasn't upset by the question. My heart pounded again at just thinking about it.
I looked down again, and spoke before I could stop myself.
"Jack." I mumbled, studying my hands. "The last night he spent in my room. It wasn't anything I hadn't been through a thousand times already, but that one.. It's one of the ones I remember the most."
Without a word, she reached over and pulled me into a hug. Instead of pulling away, I held onto her in return. Loosely, but enough. I let her comfort me.
"I just hate thinking about it." I added quietly.
There was so much there that I still didn't understand. The things Jack did to me at night were pretty straightforward, but really, there was more to it than I could figure out, and it confused me in a scary way. I still felt sick about it.
"I'll never understand." She told me, and I knew what she meant.
I pulled back when I got uncomfortable with the contact. It wasn't her fault. I just couldn't handle being touched at all after a memory dream like that. Instead, I curled upright. Only trembling lightly while I calmed down.
"What am I supposed to say to my mom tomorrow?" I asked quietly.
"There isn't a set script, honey." She replied. "Some things can't be rehearsed. You know enough about her choices recently. Just let the conversation go wherever it goes."
That was a new concept. I'd never thought that was possible with her. Trying to be prepared for anything, I'd always tried to even prepare the things I'd say to her.
"She knows better than anyone just how deeply her choices have affected you." She went on. I nodded a little, looking down. "Forgiveness is a powerful thing, Leandra. It's hard, especially when you were hurt so badly, but it can be done."
"I don't forgive her." I mumbled. "But I don't.." I sighed, closing my eyes. I was so tired. "I don't wanna hate her anymore. I'm so tired of hating."
"It takes time." She assured me. "It'll take work to mend anything there, but that's not what tomorrow will be about. All she wants to do is see you, and know you're in a good place."
"She knows I am."
"But seeing it is different." She reminded me, and I nodded again.
I didn't get much sleep that night. I wasn't that against seeing my mom, but I was also pretty nervous. I still held a lot of resentment, and no amount of understanding would take that away.
I sat curled up the following morning, watching the rain outside from my perch by the side window. I wasn't exactly against talking, but it was a rather quiet morning.
I knew I couldn't exactly predict the way the conversation would go, but I knew I at least needed to keep my resentment to myself, and that would take some thought. It helped when I considered everything at a different view.
"You got this, shorty." I glanced over at Emmett as he stood up, and I knew she was on her way.
"Thanks." I mumbled.
"I hope this helps you somehow. I miss my friend." He admitted as he left the room. I felt bad for being so withdrawn and angry lately.
"Me too." I sighed, and it was true.
Esme was the one to let her in, but I made no move to get up at first. Only looking over as she walked in. I hadn't seen her in several months. Not since the day of the fight I had with Keith. The day Alice first came back. Her face was bruise free with no hint of a cover up, but that didn't mean much.
I could see the relief and the hesitation on her face from across the room. She expected me to be upset. Esme beside her seemed to expect the same, but I wasn't.
I should have been mad at my mom. I knew she'd slipped up and I knew she'd been drinking again, but I wasn't mad at her. Somehow knowing exactly how she was feeling the night I saved her life gave me some kind of understanding I didn't have before. I'd been so blind before, and I hated her so much before, but now I knew, and I was more relieved to see she was okay.
It helped considering the fact that maybe, her drinking again was her form of taking two steps back. Like my two steps back was pushing people away.
"I'm okay." I murmured, glancing to Esme. She nodded a little, patted my mom's shoulder, and left the room. Leaving us alone like it'd been suggested the night before.
My mom still hesitated, standing there as if unsure.
"I'm okay." I repeated, to her this time. "You can come sit down."
"I won't stay long, baby." She finally spoke quietly.
It was her turn to be surprised when I turned a little and stood up, crossing the room to hug her. She hugged me tightly at first before lowering to hug me easier.
"I get it." I told her before she could apologize like I knew she was going to. "I get it now. It's not easy."
She sniffled, leaning back where she crouched and looked at me. She ignored the tears in her eyes as she looked me over. She smiled sadly, and I could read every bit of her emotion in her expression.
"I'm so sorry." She apologized anyway, but I just shook my head.
"You don't have to be." I replied. "I get it now. I'm sorry I was always so mean to you."
"You had every right to be." She shook her head, taking my hand. "You were hurt, baby. I let you down. I'll never forgive myself."
"But it wasn't all your fault." I frowned a little.
"Enough of the blame is mine." She explained. "Baby, when you're a mother, there is nothing forgivable about giving up. No matter the circumstances. When it comes to protecting your child, you make a way when there is no way."
"Jack wasn't like normal people." I reminded her, and she looked down. "It doesn't stop because he's gone."
"I heard about the accident." She murmured. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about it."
"I know what you mean." I sighed, watching as she stood up. I led the way back to the couch, and she sat down. It was a little weird being okay with seeing her. I got the feeling she felt the same way. I was finally being civil toward her.
She studied me a bit more as I sat down in the chair adjacent to the couch. She smiled again.
"You're growing so fast." She laughed through her unshed tears. "Your hair is so long now."
"I know." I admitted with a little laugh of my own. Everyone always told me that.
"I'm sorry I've been away."
"Are you going back?" I asked, but I was only curious.
"Probably." She replied. "It's been so nice catching up with my brother."
"I never knew you had a brother." I pointed out, and she nodded.
"We were never really close." She explained. "The first and last time he saw you, you were six months old."
"How come you weren't close?"
"We were just living separate lives." She answered. "I moved here to stay with my aunt when she got sick, and he chose to stay behind with our mother. Nothing major, but I wound up meeting your father, and things just progressed from there." She paused for a small smile. "It's actually my aunt that you're named after."
I vaguely remembered her trying to tell me that awhile ago. Now I was interested. I knew pretty much all there was to know about my dad's side of the family. I really didn't know much about my mom's side.
"What was she like?" I asked hesitantly.
"She was very strong." She nodded a little. "She was tough, and she worked hard for everything she had. Resilient, and someone you did not want to cross, but she had the biggest heart of gold you'd ever seen. You actually remind me of her." I smiled a little. "You come from a long line of resilient women. Nothing could keep them down. My mother, whose name is also yours, was also one of the toughest women I've ever known. She stood strong in some of the worst times of our lives, and she always got us through them."
I had to ask. I couldn't help being curious. "Did she ever meet Jack?"
"No." She replied. "My mother passed away about two years before you were born. Roughly three years after my aunt."
"How..?" I didn't really want to bring up bad memories for her, but given her sad smile, she understood.
"My aunt had gotten sick one winter, and refused to take it seriously." She explained. "Even hospitalized, they had trouble keeping her down, but it eventually developed into pneumonia, and unfortunately, the infection made it to her blood and that was too much for her fight." I looked down. "Ironically, it was a drunk driver that killed my mother."
"I'm sorry." I really was.
"I know they would have loved to know you." She said. "I admired them both so much, so I knew there was only one way to go when it came to naming my daughter. I wanted to give you a strong name that would reflect who I knew you'd be. Who you are, how strong I know you are, is in your blood, baby. It'll take an act of God to get the best of you."
"It doesn't feel like that sometimes." I admitted quietly. She paused for a second, watching me.
"I know." She replied. "Believe me, I understand how we can be our own worst enemy sometimes, but at the same time, it's that voice that keeps us going." That voice. I knew immediately what she was talking about.
"Mine sounds like Jack."
"Mine too sometimes." She murmured, and I looked up. "I used to drink to shut it up."
"Does that work?" I asked. "Drinking?"
"I used to think it did, but now I think it only makes it louder."
I couldn't imagine any louder than I always heard, but it was kind of nice to have that sort of connection to her, as sad as it was. I knew what she meant, and she knew who I meant. It was like an unspoken sort of bond. A little like what I had with Heather, but stronger somehow. I was pretty sure that I'd just felt that tie everyone said I had to her.
That reminded me of something, though.
I was quiet for a few moments, while I thought of something I wanted to ask her. I just didn't know how to word it in a way that didn't sound crazy.
"Can I ask you something weird?" I asked hesitantly.
"You can ask me anything." She replied easily.
"I don't really know how, though." I sighed. "Could.. They.. Did they ever.. I dunno, just know things?" She was quiet for a few seconds, and I looked down. "Like other people couldn't?"
"Know things?" She asked. "Like what?"
I felt so stupid. "I don't really know how to explain it, but.. I don't know.. It's weird."
"I think I understand what you mean." She assured me, and to my surprise, she didn't sound confused.
"You do?" I looked up hesitantly.
"Baby, that's been with you your whole life." She said. "From the time you could talk. Before you even really understood the world around you, you've always.. From the things you would just outright say, it always seemed like you knew something we didn't." I smiled a little. "They would be perfectly normal things, but.. The way you said them, and the words you used, it was always like you were in on a secret nobody else was. I remember one time specifically. Very vividly, because it threw me for such a loop, and I didn't know how coincidental it was, but now I do. It's one of the clearest memories I have of you back then."
I was quiet, suddenly very interested.
"You couldn't have been much older than four." She went on quietly. "I had been.. Well, in and out for a few days." I knew what she meant, just by the way she said that. She meant she'd been drinking a lot. "I'd been.. Pretty out of it, and it was just after the first time I attempted to leave Jack. He brought you back to me, and you came running right up to me, and you said.. 'When are you going to leave again?'."
I didn't quite understand what was so special about that.
"See," She explained. "You always considered me 'gone' on the days I had had a little too much to drink. Up until that point, I had no idea what was happening, and why my choices were so wrong. I didn't know, until it was too late to stop it, what he was putting you through."
I closed my eyes and looked back down. I didn't like thinking about those days very much, because I had no memory of it at all. The unknown was pretty scary, too.
"So when you asked me that question, it confused me at the time, because I had no intention of leaving you again." She went on. "I had already decided to leave Jack, and that first attempt.. Well, I knew I needed to get away, so I had no intention of ever drinking again."
That was interesting.
"So to answer your question, you've done that all your life." She said. "And from what I understand, my grandma was the same way. I definitely believe it's possible you may have inherited something along the way."
She didn't think I was crazy.
"So wait." I mumbled. "If you didn't ever wanna drink again, why did you?"
"After that first attempt.." She hesitated. "I made my worst mistake. I had finally gotten a look at Jack's true colors, but he got into my head, and he forced me to doubt myself.
"I didn't believe he was anything more than possessive of you. He'd taken complete control of you, but he always made me believe he'd only be violent with me, and you didn't seem to be too fearful of him. There were no bruises on you, nothing to indicate he'd ever hurt you, and believe me, I checked. I thought that his goal was only to separate us."
"That sounds like something he'd do." I muttered breathlessly.
"But that didn't change the fact that I had to leave him." She went on. "At the same time, though, I had nowhere to go. I had nothing to my name, because over time, Jack took everything over one by one. Until then, it didn't seem odd. I know now I should really have been paying more attention.
"Anyway." She sighed. "My worst mistake was staying a second longer. I just couldn't see a way to survive with leaving while having no plan. No car, no job, so no money. I couldn't get a loan with no income of my own, which also posed the risk of losing you when I left him, because he was the only one with income, and your legal guardian. I only worried about you. Stupidly, I believed it was better to gather resources first before making another escape attempt, just to keep you off the streets."
I was quiet while she gathered her thoughts.
"I stayed to get some kind of footing before making that leap, but because I stayed, I had to keep him happy." She went on gently. "I kept an eye on you closely from that moment, but I needed time to figure out a way forward. He came home from work one day, more mad than I'd ever seen him, and I'll admit now that I was scared."
I knew that feeling well.
"I was absolutely terrified of him, so when he pushed an open beer at me, I didn't refuse it in that attempt to keep him happy." She murmured. "I never thought he'd put something in it. He must have, because after that one, I wasn't thinking straight anymore. All I could focus on was the intimidation, and he kept shoving them at me, and before I even knew it, days had passed. I only remember it was a routine. He kept supplying it, and all but forcing me to drink it. Most times, actually doing just that."
I also remembered how intimidating he could be when he wanted to be. With no effort, all he had to do was look at me, and I'd scurry. It never occurred to me that my mom could find that trait in him as easily as I did.
"I finally managed to go long enough to remember what I was supposed to be doing." She sniffled, and I looked to her to realize her eyes held tears. "The third time I tried to leave.."
"He threatened me." I recalled. I'd heard most of this story before, but not in this kind of detail. There was so much she'd held back, and it was like hearing it for the first time.
"I swear, I didn't think he would ever really hurt you." She was crying now. "He told me it would only get bad for you if I kept trying to take you away from him, but he lied." She paused for a shaky breath. "I only thought he hated me. I only thought he was possessive, but that is no excuse. I'd left you again, just like you knew I would."
"But that wasn't your fault." I mumbled, frowning a little. I could feel the way she felt, just by seeing the look in her eyes. I tried not to, because it was hurting me too, but I had no choice. I didn't forgive her, but I couldn't hurt her anymore. The picture she'd just painted in my head of the early days with Jack was one I couldn't shake.
I stood up, took the step it took to reach her, and I hugged her again. My mind chose that moment to remind me of all the things I'd told her in so much anger. How thoroughly I'd turned my back on her for being human. Her choices had hurt me, but I'd been so horrible to her in return.
"I'm so sorry." I whimpered, and I could only hope it helped her. She immediately pulled back and looked up at me.
"Don't be." She told me firmly. Not angry, but firm. She took my hands in hers and pulled me to sit with her. She clasped my hands just as firmly as she spoke, and despite the way it was gentle and it trembled, her voice was strong.
"Don't apologize to me, baby. I made my choices." She reached up with one hand and cupped my cheek. "You came to me when I needed you. I was so young, and in many ways, I still am, but I know one thing for sure. You were, and have always been, the biggest blessing I've ever known. One I was never good enough to receive.
"So you fight, baby girl." Her voice was still firm. "You take every bit of happiness in you, and you fight for it. No matter what, you hold onto it, because you were meant for so much more than I've ever been able to give you. I have no regrets giving you up, because it meant you were able to have the life you were meant to have. I only wish I'd done it sooner. You are so loved. Work with that love. Don't fight it when it gets scary. Build on it, and never tear it down."
I hugged her again, and she held me in return.
"Don't you listen to that voice." She murmured into my hair, and that finally drew out my tears. "Even when it's loud, and mean, and hurtful, don't you listen to it. Ignore it. Don't let it in, because it was put there by someone that had no clue what the hell he was talking about. You are an amazing girl, Leandra. You're stronger than you know. You're stronger than I've ever been, and no matter what it takes, I'll make sure that one day, you believe it. I'll be here."
It really bothered me how I couldn't forgive her, despite how I wanted to. It was a very complicated emotion.
"You almost weren't." I pointed out with a sniffle.
"I know." She sighed. "And I thank God every day that I was stopped. I don't know what made Carlisle check on me, but because of him, I get to tell you how proud I am of who you are, and I get to watch you grow up. I get to see you get married some day to some lucky guy who'll never be good enough, and hold babies of your own."
I didn't want to tell her that I'd never choose a life like that. I didn't want to squash her hope like that, and for once, I didn't want her to know just how bad I was inside.
I didn't want her to know that just thinking that far ahead terrified me. I didn't want to tell her that the promise I made to myself was in stone. I'd never get married, and I'd definitely never let anyone that close to me.
I didn't want to tell her those things, so instead, I stayed quiet.
She sat back with a deep breath.
"Tell you what." She murmured with a sigh. "How about we make a deal?"
"What kind of deal?" I asked hesitantly.
"We'll find solid ground together." She replied. "I'll be here to cheer you on when you're doing good, but I'll be here to pick you up when you want to give up. All I ask is you do the same for me."
I was a little stunned when she said that. It really made me realize just how similar we were. And when she put it this way, I finally saw potential. For the first time, I felt something like hope warm me up.
Instead of looking at her as my mom that failed me, I could see her as a human being that really needed someone on her side. She wasn't trying to be my mom anymore. She was finally acknowledging me on the right level. She finally got it right.
I smiled a little, unable to help it. This was a new angle I was okay with, and it was a connection she'd never tried to make before. We were on the same page, instead of in totally different books. Maybe we weren't so different. She was just as broken as I was, and she was facing that now.
"Deal." I finally replied.
By the time she left, I knew it'd gone well. I knew she felt better, and I felt better. About everything.
Unfortunately, my dreams went back quite far that night. Probably thanks to the conversation I had with my mom, but I was reminded of one of the earliest times I could even remember. The day I first started school.
It was the strangest thing to remember the way I thought back then. Jack had always been someone not to cross, and I walked on eggshells around him, even back then, but it was nothing like I knew now.
I'd been given new clothes, which was weird to me, but he was mad about it, and I felt a deep sense of guilt back then for making him so mad just by needing new clothes.
I was terrified to get out of the truck at the school. I had no clue what was going on, and I clearly remembered thinking he was only getting rid of me. I didn't know anyone, or anything. I was completely unprepared.
I was carried into the building in tears. I was dropped off, and he left. It was such a heartbreaking and terrifying feeling to watch him walk away without a care in the world. He was my whole life, and he was leaving me. Abandoning me. Even if he wasn't the nicest person, I didn't know any different. He was all I'd known up until that moment.
Until he came back to pick me up, I was on my own for really the first time.
The worst part of that day, though, was getting back home, and watching from where I sat on the back porch steps as Jack burned most of everything I owned in the back yard. Whatever toys or stuffed animals I still had went into that pile, and the entire time, he was telling me how stupid I was for crying.
I did cry, but I didn't try to stop him. I was confused. I just didn't understand why he was doing this. I'd done something wrong, that was clear, but what?
That was the day I decided to keep the teddy bear my dad had given me hidden. I knew enough to keep it hidden under my bed, even before then, but I had to protect it.
It was a very sad dream. I usually avoided thinking about the very early memories of Jack, because I still felt that heartbreak when I thought of him. It was a weird one. It was weird, because there was always that question there of whether or not I ever meant anything to him. As badly as I hated him now, I still felt like I really needed that approval that I needed back before I had to hate him.
That part of me didn't die with him.
All I'd ever done in those days, was do my best to mean something. To be good enough. To finally be told by him that I was anything other than worthless, which I knew now was like running a race I'd lost from the start.
It hurt me every time I thought about it, but I had to wonder if those early days weren't better than knowing the things I knew now. Back before that Christmas Eve night when I was six.
Back before he'd shown me exactly how dark things could get. Back when the nights belonged to me. When the dark only held fake monsters, and sometimes lightning, but in those nights, was also the tears and broken heart that came with never being good enough. Of wondering what I could do to earn just that one nod of approval. Something that told me I didn't need to worry about him leaving me too, just like my mom and my dad. I would have given anything for that assurance, because he was never happy.
When my heart finally had enough of the breaking, I started to wake up.
Somewhere toward the end of the dream, though, the last second before I would wake up, the dream abruptly changed. It wasn't so much a change, as it was a pain. A sharp, painful click that I nearly heard. It was only a really brief glimpse of something I had no possible way to untangle. Like an entire year's worth of moments shown in one split second glance. It was very loud, and very painful, and I didn't even have a chance to try to figure out what that had been.
It happened so quickly, it hurt my head and startled me awake. I was suddenly sitting upright with a loud gasp, bouncing with how quickly I'd moved. Both hands reached up, a strangled cry leaving me as I gripped my head with both hands.
Through the pain, I fully realized how weird it would be for even my dreams to take that kind of a detour.
I couldn't concentrate on that for too long, though, because there was something more pressing I needed to focus on. I looked over and up as Esme arrived in my room, clearly concerned.
Looking to the clock, I saw that it was just passed three in the morning.
"Are you okay, honey?" Esme asked anyway. Part of me still felt asleep. Like part of my mind hadn't woken up with me.
The last thing I remembered about the abrupt change in the dream was Bella, but she looked so different. That was it. There was so much more there, but I couldn't remember a single moment of it. I knew. I was sure of it. Like I was never sure of anything else in my life.
Through blinding pain, I jumped out of bed, only taking a second to find my balance, and walked quickly from the room. Esme followed me closely, probably worried about how unsteady I was.
"Alice." I called before I'd even made it to the living room, hoping she was somewhere around. To my relief, she quickly descended the stairs as soon as I left the hallway, looking my way in concern. Just as Carlisle did, and Jasper did.
"What is it?"
"Bella." I replied. "It's just Bella. It's got nothing to do with Edward."
"Leandra, I still see nothing-"
"Check again!" I insisted. "I'm sure of it." Esme reached out, pulling me to sit in the chair with her. I let her, trying to calm down and ignore the stabbing pain in my head at the same time. "Look for anything. Just her. Please."
I could tell she'd been waiting for something to come to her, instead of inspecting any possible situation like my overworked mind would have. Unless she had been looking for everything, and not seen it until now. Like something had just changed for her, that hadn't needed to be changed for me.
I couldn't shake that difference I'd seen in Bella. The little piece of whatever had happened while I was sleeping. It was burned in my mind like it'd been there forever. It could have been nothing, but it wasn't.
I held my breath, but I couldn't keep the few quiet sobs back. I trembled, but I had a feeling I felt cold too.
She sighed, deciding to humor me. The room was silent as Alice turned to pace a little.
It took only maybe thirty seconds, just long enough for her to slowly make it across the room, and I could tell immediately when she realized the truth in what I was saying. She looked to me, shocked. Holding my gaze for several seconds. I nodded a little, and she got moving again, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket. Even I sensed the difference in her movements, and I hated being right.
"What is it?" Carlisle asked, watching her.
"It's Bella." Alice replied tensely. "Her future is gone."
A/N: I'm so glad this chapter didn't take forever. I also feel like I did better on this one than I've been doing. Sure, it's a little short, but I'm okay with that lol
THANK YOU! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to those AMAZINGLY AWESOME reviewers of last chapter! I heart you guys so much!
Chapter Ten will be along soon. I think I'm about done decorating for Christmas. I've done my best lol it'll have to do for this year, so I've gotten that out of the way. I'm determined to make this a good one for Little KNeu.
Ten will move us along a bit in the storyline, thankfully. It's been awhile lol
Until Ten, my friends!