Chapter Seventeen

I chose to spend some time with Renesmee the next day. I still didn't quite understand why she was growing fast, but I didn't give it much thought.

I had to admit, though, she was more entertaining now that she was older. She was literally just a baby, but I had nothing to worry about. She was physically tougher than I was, but intentionally harming her wasn't anywhere near my thoughts.

But at the same time, she was warm, big on cuddling, and always happy. She had shown me her little mind trick, and it was too weird for me, which she noted because she hadn't tried again. She hadn't tried to bite me again, so she must have figured that out too.

"And you honestly worried?" I glanced back at Emmett's question, just to find that Jake was back. Renesmee was seated on the couch in front of me, and I was kneeled on the floor. I was busy arm wrestling her, and she was laughing her head off, having the best time.

She always gave just enough effort to knock my arm down, but she'd always let up enough for me to raise my arm again. It was the coolest thing to see her so aware of her strength already. I was probably what she practiced on. Everyone else was stronger than her.

I was also surprised to find I got along better with her than I did my own sisters.

"Well, okay." Jacob replied. "So you were right."

"Duh." I added, looking over at him, and he smirked. I wasn't as against him anymore, but I did wonder. "Why are you still around so much, anyway? I thought everything was settled with you guys."

"Careful, dude." Emmett shook his head, sitting down on the end of the couch.

"Why?" Jacob asked, obviously skeptical.

"Unless you explain it in just the right way, she'll gladly set your face on fire." Emmett replied, no hint of joking in there. "You open that can of worms, there's no holding back. Trust me. Bella was preferable."

"Do I even wanna know?" I asked, hesitant now. I turned to face them both now, sitting down on the floor. Jacob seemed a little hesitant himself now.

"He's sort of taken it upon himself to be another devoted protector for this little bean." Emmett explained for him, reaching over and scooping Renesmee up off the couch. Quickly, much to her amusement.

"Oh." I muttered. "So? What's so bad about that? Is it because they're wolves?"

"There are many ways for that explanation to go wrong, shorty." Emmett replied with a small smile.

I shrugged, sitting down beside him on the couch with a sigh.

"You still bugged, shorty?" He asked, looking down at me. I nodded silently, staring at my hands in my lap. I hated this feeling. The word 'bugged' didn't even begin to cover it. The feeling I was left with was intense.

He sighed. "Come on. I get it's something you've done your whole life, but don't worry so much. Live here and now. You'll lose your mind in 'what-if' land."

"I just want things to be okay." I mumbled quietly.

"Things aren't okay?" Jacob almost demanded. "What's not okay?"

"See, now you've gone and panicked Jakie." Emmett sighed. "Right now, everything is fine."

I kept my eyes down. Vaguely aware when Jacob moved forward to take Renesmee from Emmett. Until Emmett suddenly scooped me up and cradled me in his arm like a baby. He immediately started tickling my sides, which prompted me to squirm for my life. I was quite a bit bigger than a baby, though, so keeping me there was a little harder.

"Are you jealous?" He asked over my involuntary laughter. "Do you need attention too? All you gotta do is say so."

He stopped tickling before it could start bugging me, and sat me up in the spot between him and the armrest, squishing me.

"You know no matter what, you'll be fine." He told me when I got a better hold of myself. I hated that. My smile faded quickly.

"I'll only be fine if-"

"No." He cut that off. "You will be fine. Remember?"

He was referring to the discussion in my room the night before. I kept my eyes down. Because I didn't reply, he went on.

"No matter what, you'll be taken care of." He stressed, but I hated thinking about it. It bothered me so much to even consider them talking about being prepared for the worst.

"You can't promise that." I mumbled. "Whatever that was didn't feel like something I could be okay from."

He sighed sadly, dropping his arm around my shoulders and hugging me into his side. The pressure actually felt comforting, despite how I was almost lost in the limited space. I vaguely noted how hard this closeness would have been on me a year and a half ago, but I let it comfort me.

"It sure didn't sound like it." He admitted. "But still. You're set, whatever happens. We wouldn't let anything happen to you."

I whimpered, reaching out and laying my arm across his middle, hugging him as well. As much as I could, anyway.

It wasn't me I was so worried about. I was worried about everyone else.

Any number of scenarios could cause emotion like that. With just my family alone. There were Josh and Zack to worry about too. Anything could happen to them, which was second on my list. Andrew was third. As hard as it was to admit, my dad and his family came next to worry about. Something could happen to them.

But if I was truthful with myself, the feeling didn't add up. I was sorting them out like flashcards, and the feeling I would have if anything happened to everyone else paled significantly when it came to thinking about something happening to my family. It just wasn't the same, and it narrowed it down quite a bit.

Which Edward had caught on to. With Jasper's help, it didn't take a genius to figure it out. So the discussion was made, giving me options. 'Just in case' options. Of course I was there for that, so Emmett really hadn't needed to remind me.

"You're probably just so used to everything being so messed up that you expect it now." He said casually. "Eddy and Bella will be talking to this Aro fella, and smooth things out there. All your little friends will be fine, and we'll catch up with your dad. Then everything will be peachy."

I wanted to ask him to promise, but I couldn't. I didn't want him to promise, and have it be a lie. We sat quietly for a moment, before he looked down at me.

"You feeling okay, shorty?" He asked, slightly concerned.

"Not really." I muttered. "Why?"

"You feel like you've kinda got a fever." He noted, which wasn't weird considering I was pretty much right there. I shrugged, and he felt my forehead with his hand. I turned my head away, feeling stupid.

"Maybe I've got some disease from Africa or something." I'd meant that as a horrible joke, but I regretted it as soon as I said it. He squished me in correction.

"Don't say that." He frowned. "If it gets any worse-"

"I'm fine." I rolled my eyes, despite the lingering headache I still had. "Has anyone heard from Heather yet?"

"Not yet." He replied easily. "I'm sure when she knows something, she'll pass that info along. Until then, they're fine." He sighed. "You know, shorty, your gift isn't-"

"Shh." I cut him off with a smack. "Whenever you call it what it is, it wakes up." He chuckled.

"Okay, well.." He said. "It isn't that bad. It's not a bad thing, even if it seems like it is."

"How is this not bad?" I asked, skeptical.

"Yeah, the situation sucks, but that's not.. Its fault." He replied. "You get to have some kind of heads up for what's coming. Things the rest of us can only guess at. When you get the hang of it, that thing is going to be the biggest blessing. Even if you're never turned."

There was a thought, but it was a welcome distraction.

"That would be kinda weird." I frowned a little. "Never being turned."

"What would be weird about it?" He asked. "It means you grow up, live your life like a normal person. Get married, have kids, the good stuff."

"Ew." I muttered.

"Or don't." He shrugged. "Grow up, have a hundred cats and be a hermit."

"That doesn't sound fun either." I wrinkled my nose. "I don't really like cats, and I don't know what a hermit is."

"The point is, you'd have a chance to do all of that." He went on. "If you're never turned, you'd go farther than any of us ever did."

"That's a lie, grandpa." I countered, and he laughed. To my surprise, even Jacob laughed from across the room. I'd forgotten about him for a moment.

"Tell me this." Emmett sighed, taking my attention again. "What kind of plans do you have?"

"For what?"

"Your life." He replied. "You need some kind of plan, or you'll crash and burn."

"I guess I don't have one." I shrugged this time. "I'm just me."

"Being just you is fine, but eventually, you're gonna have to pick a direction."

I understood what he meant, but it was hard to consider that. It was pretty overwhelming. I'd always had a hard time even thinking of the future. Maybe that was why my gift chose me, but now was no exception.

"I have no idea." I looked up at him. He smiled a little.

"You've got time." He assured me, and that helped.

"I guess I'm still just trying to figure all of this out." I muttered, looking back down. "It's still pretty confusing."

"About the visions?" He asked. "I wouldn't worry too much about that. You'll get it when you're ready to."

"Not just about that." I mumbled, shrugging. "It's everything. It's.. The way everything just changed so fast. My head is still spinning."

"Around here? Everything's going to be okay now, shorty."

"Not just around here." I replied. "Bella is fine, but she wasn't. For so long. Seeing her like that can't.. It can't just suddenly be okay. It's weird." I paused as I gathered my thoughts. Trying to imagine how to word what I needed to say.

"Shorty, you're human." He replied. "It's no wonder you're having a hard time with that."

"So what if I'm human?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Even with how smart you are, and whatever changes that brain of yours is going through, you're still human." He explained. "There really is only so much you can process at once, and it's a lot harder for you to adjust. Give it some time."

"Maybe." I sighed heavily, laying my head back. "It's not just around here that's changed, though. It's everything. Everything has changed."

"What else has changed?" Emmett asked, frowning a little.

"Me." I pointed out quietly.

"Are you still on that?"

"Yes." I grumbled. "It still feels too different. Like I don't even know myself. Like everything about me isn't me. Like every step I take doesn't add up. Do you know how much that bugs?"

"I'm pretty sure you have always been you." He frowned a little.

"Are you sure about that?" I challenged. "There's always been a lot of things I hid from you guys. As much as I could anyway."

"For example..?" He prompted casually.

"I dunno." I muttered, looking down at my hands. "A lot."

"That's not an example."

"I can't think of one I wanna actually say." I admitted shyly, glancing toward Jacob.

"Don't mind me." Jacob caught that, and he turned, wandering out of the room with Renesmee.

"Shorty, no matter what it is you think you're hiding, there's a very good chance we already know." Emmett replied gently. "It doesn't take a mind reader to figure out where a life like yours can take that head of yours, but if you stick to it, you won't be lost in that darkness for very long."

I had my doubts.

I was quiet now, but it was nice to have that reference, because it meant he still remembered and still supported me through it. All it took was a look, and he seemed to understand.

"It's okay." He said with a small smile. "I know change is something you've had a hard time with for awhile. You're just meeting yourself. That's all it is. You're bound to have a harder time with that than most because you have so much more to think about. Give yourself some time."

"How much time?" I asked. "I hate this."

"As much time as it takes." He poked my nose. For old time's sake, I snapped my teeth at him, and he laughed, shaking his head.

I did what I could to ignore it, but I did feel more tired than usual. I knew it wasn't only the emotion of the night before that got to me. I felt the effects of the fever Emmett had pointed out.

I tried to ignore it, because the last thing I needed was to get sick.

Unfortunately, only a minute of silence later, I had to scoot out of my seat and sit up straighter as my cough chose that time to make itself known again. Being squished like that wasn't possible anymore.

Every cough felt like shards of glass, but it wasn't new.

"Aw, shorty." Emmett seemed to feel bad for me while I fought to catch my breath. "I hate that you were in there."

"It sucked." I admitted when I could, glancing over as Carlisle walked in. "It happened so fast, and stupid me just sorta stood there. I'm so thankful Mark got me out of there."

"What do you mean you just stood there?" Emmett asked.

"I don't even really know." I sighed through my shallow breaths. It was getting better, though. "After Mark moved me away from the back door, I only got to the table before.. I dunno. I felt too confused to move, so I was stuck, but at the same time, I was so scared and knew I shouldn't have been standing there."

"That was probably caused by the oxygen deprivation." Carlisle sighed sadly. "The more smoke there is, the less oxygen there is for you to breathe. It isn't only the fire that was a threat, which I think is what's confusing you. It's extremely dangerous."

"I could barely see the window by the time Mark came back in and got us. The smoke was too thick to see through." I added, and he nodded.

"He kept you as safe as he could to the best of his ability." He replied gently.

"Why didn't he just rush them all outside?" Emmett asked, frowning.

"Because there was a propane tank attached to the barbecue grill on the porch." Carlisle answered, and that seemed to make sense. "Had the fire reached it, quite a few more lives would have been in danger. He did what he could, and he still got the kids outside. Bravery like that should be admired."

"So that's why he went outside." I muttered, understanding. I hesitated. "I'm confused, though. Didn't Alice see that happening? Or was that how you knew to come get me?"

"Unfortunately, no." Carlisle replied. "It's always been a bit difficult for her to see you." I'd known that before, so it made sense. It didn't bring me much comfort.

"So.." I pieced it together. "Whatever this thing is I saw last night.."

"It must directly affect or impact you." Carlisle finished for me. "Given the pattern, but given the amount of emotion it brought you, we can't help but keep trying to find out what it is."

"Maybe I'm in the way?"

"No, that isn't it." Carlisle shook his head a little. "Alice's visions are decision based." Oh yeah. "It only means there's a decision that has yet to be made at some point."

"So I can.. See things happening before a decision's even made?" I frowned. "How's that work?"

"The path, probably." Emmett surprised me by answering. "Think of it like having a higher vantage point. Alice is stuck on the ground, and you're in a tree. You can see where the path ahead leads a lot farther than she can."

"That makes sense." I was still surprised.

"Unless someone does or decides something that changes that path, the course will stay the same." He added. "Which we obviously don't want, so we need to figure out what needs to change."

"And that's up to me." I mumbled, catching on.

"Pretty much."

"We're doomed." I sighed, looking down.

"Don't say that." Carlisle replied, and I looked over at him. "You'll get it. I have so much faith in you."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, shorty." Emmett added, nudging me. "You're awesome, and never forget that." Again, a look was all that was needed for him to see my doubt. "Hey, you kept three other people from dying in a horrible way. You're freaking awesome."

"But I could've died too, so I was only really watching for myself." I pointed out.

"But you didn't." He replied.

"Because you alerted Mark in time." Carlisle murmured, and I looked over at him again.

"Zack did that."

"Regardless." He nodded a little. "You were able to save them by bringing their attention to it right when you needed to. Mark was the adult in the situation, and he exceeded my expectations, and he came through for you. Which is why I'm paying for any repairs or remodels that need to be made on their home."

"You are?" I was surprised again. That helped.

He nodded. "Heather has decided that they don't want to move, which is also exceptionally brave. The least I can do is help them a little bit financially."

"How hard was it to get her to accept that?" Emmett chuckled, and I was curious too.

"It was pretty difficult." Carlisle admitted. "Especially after she allowed the car last spring, but she also couldn't exactly outright refuse it." I didn't blame her. Rebuilding the back half of a house that big couldn't have been cheap.

I wasn't feeling that well, though. I felt sluggish, and tired. I had been feeling that way all morning, and I'd tried to blame it on my shitty night, but it felt like more. I wound up going back to bed after lunch. I needed to close my eyes for awhile, despite hating whatever I might see.

I woke hours later with a one-oh-two fever, which apparently meant I was fighting an infection. I wasn't that surprised by it, considering Emmett had brought my full attention to it that morning.

And just like that, I was stuck in bed. Not that I minded much. I was too tired to care.

An overwhelming exhaustion that I couldn't fight stole almost every ounce of my energy. With the door closed, all sound in the house, however little there was, closed behind it. It was quiet enough for me to just lay there and rest. Whether that meant just snoozing, or actually deeply sleeping.

I was monitored very closely over the following few days. Waking only to eat and drink what I could, use the bathroom, and take medicine before I was laying back down. One thing was for sure, though. I was very grateful to be home during all of this. The weakness I felt also led me to a feeling of vulnerability I didn't like.

During my sleeping moments, I was hard at work in my own head. Trying to decipher what the dreams I couldn't see were telling me. I didn't have that dream again, but I was always on the look out.

Until I did have it again.

The blackness was back this time. The terrifying scene that I dreamed about, but had no idea what it was. The dull noises at the end of the very long, empty hallway. The resonating pain in my head was what woke me up this time, before I'd even realized I was awake. I'd been awake for awhile.

There was no dulling of the fear or pain because it was the second time seeing it. It was just as strong as before, and just as upsetting. If not more. I sat there, squeezing my eyes shut as I sobbed violently, and held my head between my hands. Trembling roughly, I felt Carlisle's eyes on me.

Whatever this was I dreamed about was physically hurting me. This was all in my head, and it was difficult to breathe, much less open my eyes.

I had more than just Carlisle watching me, and I knew it, but I couldn't see long enough to know who all it was. I couldn't focus my vision. It was too blurry, and it caused me too much pain. Among the cries and the sobs, I had to focus all I had on not throwing up in pain. I soon lost that fight.

That was the most concerning thing. Being in upset enough, and in enough pain to lose against the nausea, and dive for the closest trash can. Among my violent trembling, the cold sweat soaking my clothes, the intense physical and emotional pain, I lost that fight. My head felt like it'd split in two.

The blackness was all I was left with, aside from the emotions of it and the physical pain I was in. This hurt so much, I couldn't stand it.

Eventually, Alice came and sat beside me. I felt the bed dip to my other side, and her hand gently pulled my left away from my head.

"It'll ease up." She told me gently. "Just breathe." I tried to follow her direction, but all I could take were shallow, violently shaking breaths. My heart was racing, and it was tough to slow it down. I was sitting there, in my own bed, panicking for reasons I didn't even understand.

There was a reason. I knew there was a reason behind this reaction. I wasn't stupid, but that didn't change the fact that I still couldn't see anything. Each time I tried, it only hurt my head more. The panic was the hardest thing to fight through, out of everything else.

"Ow.." I sobbed when I could. Quieter though, hardly a deeply pained whimper.

"Stop trying." Alice told me, knowing exactly what was keeping me so upset. "Open your eyes."

"I can't." I whimpered. "It hurts too much."

"Focus on trying to open your eyes." She suggested. "Just focus on that, and not the pain. It'll ease." It was tough, almost impossible to do as she suggested, but I eventually managed to squint my eyes open, and she was right. The longer I went without trying to find what was behind the blackness, the less my head throbbed.

I looked over to Carlisle, who continued to sit there watching me. I had to say something. I had to tell him first, him specifically what the emotions of this dream told me. I leaned over hugging him. Though my cries had eased, and quieted, they were definitely still there.

"It's not alright." I cried quietly, hugging him tighter. "It's not."

"Breathe." He told me quietly.

"I've never been this scared, Carlisle." I squeezed my eyes shut. "It's just going to get worse. So much worse."

"I'll keep an eye out." Alice promised from the side. "Just calm down."

"I can't keep doing it." I cried, looking over at her. "I can't. I need to make it stop."

"That worries me." Emmett muttered from where he stood watching. This was becoming normal, but the fact that he was worried told me to be worried.

"You can." Alice ignored him. "You wouldn't develop a gift you weren't ready-"

"I'm not ready!" I sobbed loudly, hurting my throat with the force. "I'm not! Please just tell me how to make it stop. I don't wanna see what happens anymore. I can't stand it."

"Isn't there anything that can be done?" Esme was pleading for me. She could see I was tearing myself up. My heart broke all over again, and Carlisle held me tighter as if he knew.

"If there's a trick to it, I don't know it." Alice replied sadly. "Once it's there, it's there to stay. Jazz can take charge of her emotions for now, but it won't stop the physical pain she's in. Other than keeping her drugged, I don't see a way to stop that."

"No." I immediately protested that, even through my tears.

"Something needs to be done." Carlisle sighed. Right then, Jasper finally chose to step in. Tears still escaped with the pressure in my head, but my intense panic was calmed completely.

I was given the strongest antibiotics Carlisle had on hand, and a fever reducer. Neither of which did anything for me. My fever stuck at nearly one-oh-four, and I knew enough to know that it was nearly time to worry.

The next few days were filled with fighting my fever, resisting the return of my cough, and trying to rest.

This dream still managed to mess with my sleep, and with my cough back, it was hard enough to breathe normally. Getting upset only made it worse, and much harder to breathe around my sobs.

My fever had spiked briefly, reaching just over one-oh-five, and I had to take a warmish bath to bring it down. There was no choice, not that I had the energy to protest anyway.

The water felt cold to me, but I had to sit in it until it felt comfortable to me. The bath succeeded in bringing my temperature back down to nearly normal range, but after a few hours, it climbed back up to one-oh-four. Aside from making me live in the bathtub, there wasn't much else they could do.

I hated being sick. I hated it. I lived out of my bedroom. Spending most of my time resting, trying so hard to break the fever, and fighting the cough. As I'd predicted, the cough had gotten worse. This was just as bad as when I'd spent that time in Port Angeles. Maybe a little worse. It hurt to take a breath, and it made it almost impossible to sleep now.

When I could sleep, the only dream I had was of the blackness. The scene I couldn't see. No memories. Nothing else, but the same blackness. The same terrorizing blackness I couldn't decipher. Alice continued to keep an eye out for me, but there wasn't anything going wrong. Not that she could see.

That still didn't comfort me. It didn't make me feel any better, because as we'd already discovered, she couldn't see as far as I apparently could. I knew to be worried when she didn't. My panic put them all on edge.

After enough time and effort, we lowered my fever to a persistent one-oh-one point three, and that was where it stayed. I was just happy enough that it didn't feel the need to climb back up. My cough, however, stayed. Even with the antibiotics. Each breath I took had to be a gasp, otherwise I wouldn't get a deep enough one.

I was so worn down, but I couldn't stay in bed anymore. It'd been nearly two weeks now, and I was exhausted, but I needed so be somewhere else other than my room.

I laid back, slouching on the couch and nibbling on my third cup of ice chips that morning, staring at my feet. The room's temperature felt cold to me, but it was more of a slight discomfort. My brain felt sore today, but it was a huge improvement from the pain as of lately.

For once, I wasn't watched by everyone. I was grateful for that. I was starting to remind myself of Bella. Alice stuck close to me, but Carlisle did too. I only knew Jasper was somewhere nearby, because I was calm.

It was quiet in the room, and I was lost in thought.

"I hate what-ifs." I finally broke that silence, gaining their attention.

"Me too." Alice agreed quietly. "But which ones in particular?"

"Nothing." I sighed, sitting up straighter. I'd started slouching too far for comfort. "Did you know my mom is dating Richard?"

"Is she?" That was actually a surprise to her. I nodded.

"I thought it was weird at first." I admitted. "But it's whatever. It's her life. Why shouldn't she be allowed to live it?"

"That's a very mature way of thinking about it." She replied, and I smiled half-heartedly. I shrugged.

"I guess I just feel guilty." I mumbled quietly.

"For what?" Alice asked, looking over.

"I hated her so much for so long." I answered, keeping my eyes down. "I thought for so long that she deserved to be hated. Even when I knew everything, I still had a hard time letting that go. I was so stupid."

"You've never been stupid." Carlisle murmured before Alice could.

"I blamed her for so much." I replied, glancing over at him.

"She had her part in it." He allowed. "She's accepted her part of the responsibility, but.. Leandra, you were a child. You were raised in a very hostile and violent environment. You only did what you could to survive."

"But blaming her?" I questioned, sitting upright with a sigh.

"Did you blame her, or did Jack blame her?" He turned it around, and I hesitated. "Do you remember when the blaming started?"

"I don't remember." I admitted sadly.

"I have no doubt that it didn't begin with you." He said. "You grew up believing that she was doing this to spite you, but how did that begin? All that Jack put you through absolutely depended on you believing that she'd abandoned you. With you having any amount of hope, Jack's plan wouldn't work."

"Okay, so I was stupid for believing him."

"No." He shook his head. "You're wrong again. You were never stupid. Children believe what they're told by whatever caregiver they have. Every bit of their survival depends on it, so it's an instinct. Do you remember when I mentioned that before?"

"I remember."

"You were doing exactly what children do." He went on, firmer. "Not to mention the fact that you saw the evidence for yourself. You had no possible way of knowing the truth. What Jack told you was all you had to go on."

I still had my doubts.

He took a breath. "If you were faced with four-year-old you right now, would you tell her everything you tell yourself today? Would you tell her that everything she was going through was her fault?"

I immediately looked down. Just the thought hurt. Picturing that hurt me. That question touched on a nerve I didn't even know I had, and I found myself fighting tears, swallowing against painful emotion. I was surprised, but Carlisle didn't seem to be.

"Would you blame her, and tell her she's stupid for believing the only conscious adult in her life?" He went on, and silently, I shook my head. I couldn't speak to answer out loud. "Would you.. Could you sit there and tell her all these things you tell yourself on a daily basis?"

"No." I finally whimpered.

"None of what you did or felt back then was your fault." He said. "None of it. I know it might take some time, but please. Stop blaming yourself, Leandra. Please."

"I don't know how." I mumbled. "I don't-"

I cut myself off at a rather strong, very sharp pain through my head. It was very brief, but strong enough to make me react to it. I reached up, pressing both palms to my forehead with a whimper. It felt like a rubber band had snapped somewhere in the middle of my brain. I knew that wasn't possible, but that was what it felt like. I'd felt that before, and it used to hurt a lot more.

Carlisle was suddenly there, crouching in front of me on the floor.

"I'm okay." I gasped before he could get too worried. I was okay, but I needed the ripples of pain to dissipate. That seemed to help, and he waited while I recovered. I was getting used to it, and it seemed that he was too.

When I could finally open my eyes, he seemed concerned, but not nearly as worried as he used to get. I took a deeper breath as most of the pain cleared. I trembled uncomfortably, but that was about all that was left.

"Sorry." I sighed, but he shook his head.

"Don't be." He replied with his own sigh.

"Growing pain?" Alice asked, and I nodded. Since that's what that was decided it was, it made it a whole lot less scarier. She hummed in thought. "I wonder.."

"What?" I asked when she didn't continue.

"I've noticed a pattern." She said. "These pains usually happen immediately before a few days of constant headaches, and they happen right after. After which, you're fine. Right?"

I paused to think about it. She was right.

"I might have some days with the plain headaches too." I frowned a little. "But yeah."

"During those few days of headaches, that's when you're most likely have a dream. Or more recently, a vision." She added, and I waited for her point. "Maybe that's when we need to work on getting passed those blocks of yours."

"How?"

"What do you do to cope with these headaches?" She asked, and I thought again. It was weird that she was asking me these questions, when she knew the answers.

"Take stuff for it, and if it's really bad, sit in my room." I answered anyway.

"Do you avoid thinking about it?"

"Yeah." I replied almost apologetically. "Thinking about it makes it worse."

"Next time, try thinking about it." She suggested. "Focus on it."

"But you said-"

"I know I said not to." She allowed, nodding. "But maybe we're missing something. See if you can peek passed it."

"Um.." I frowned again.

"I mean, if you're able to." She replied. "If it hurts too much, stop. I just think this pattern means something."

I shrugged. "I'll try it."

"Your fever is down." Carlisle pointed out in the following thoughtful silence. As if needing confirmation, his hand landed lightly against my forehead.

"It is?" I asked, surprised. I still felt like crap, but sure enough, the heat behind it was gone. I hadn't even noticed, aside from a bit of light trembling. "So this stupid thing was causing my fever?"

"It explains why the antibiotics weren't doing much."

"This is so weird." I sighed, laying back again.

"Incoming." Emmett announced his presence, making me look toward the stairs at his arrival.

"Just stay calm." Alice offered a small smile, which told me exactly who was coming. I sat up straighter as Carlisle stood up beside the couch. Even with Emmett now in the room, I felt safest with Carlisle there. Considering he'd protected me from Jasper. I knew this was a little different, but not to me.

I looked up as Bella entered the room, Edward behind her with Renesmee in his arms. He must have gotten her from Jacob. I stayed as still as I could. Much like I did the first time I saw her, but it was still just as unsettling.

"Can I talk to you?" She asked, and I was a little surprised that she was talking to me. She hadn't tried talking to me yet since I'd been back. We'd been lucky enough to avoid each other, but maybe talking to her would make this feel less of a drastic change.

"Sure." I murmured, glancing to Emmett and Carlisle. They weren't going anywhere, but they didn't seem too concerned. Bella nodded, glancing to Edward as well, making sure he was close behind her. He offered her a supportive smile and a nod, Renesmee babbling quietly in his arms.

I watched as Bella sat stiffly in a chair across from me, deliberately slow. As if it was almost difficult to sit slowly. She sighed a little, probably trying to calm herself as much as I was trying to calm myself. I still saw that uncertainty in her, and I felt bad. I knew that feeling well.

"I know we haven't been very close.." She started, averting her eyes. Which I appreciated. Her gaze was only making me more nervous. "But.. I've heard more about you these last few days than I've ever known before. There was.. So much I didn't know before." Her tone was surprised as well. Like she didn't fully realize before just how much I had to me. I waited, not really knowing how to respond to that. "I'm a little embarrassed to say that I didn't understand you before. I didn't know just how much the family meant to you. It really wasn't any of my business before, I guess."

I kept my gaze down, staying quiet. I never realized before what kind of relationship I used to have with her. We weren't close, not by any margin, but I'd always felt a sort of connection with her. I never realized it before, but now that connection was gone. She'd been the only other human in the family. Realizing that now made me feel a little alone.

"I just wanted to tell you how strong I think you are." Bella continued. "And how sorry I am, for not knowing your full story before."

"It's not your fault." I mumbled. "I'm complicated." She smiled a little.

"I'm gathering that." She laughed quietly. "And I also wanted to apologize. For being the reason behind you having to be sent away." I looked down. "I'm sorry, Leandra. I never meant to come between you and where you were most comfortable."

"That's not your fault either." I replied. "I don't blame anybody for that. I'm glad, though, that you're okay."

"I'm just fine." She smiled again, nodding slightly. She paused, as if looking for the right words. "I'm still very sorry, though. So, I.." She trailed off for a second, looking to Edward. He nodded, encouraging her to continue. "I requested to be the one to tell you that I've been spending the last week getting used to your scent. As weird as that might sound to you," She laughed, and I did a little as well. "It means that you won't have to go anywhere again. You're never going to be sent away again because of me. I've sort of desensitized myself."

That was good to hear.

"So is it true?" I wondered. "Do I smell like the family?"

"You do." She laughed, finding that funny.

A rather loud noise from Renesmee took my attention briefly, and I smiled a little as Bella did the same. I'd had my moments of jealousy toward Renesmee, but at the same time, she really had her own place. Just like Bella had hers, and I had mine. I understood that now. Nothing had really changed. Just shifted.

"There's no way you could have known." I shook my head, looking at Bella again. "I think Edward knows the most about me, but there's still so much he doesn't. I'm not that interesting."

"That's where you're wrong." Edward replied with a chuckle.

"So not that I'm not happy about it, but what made you wanna talk to me today?"

Bella sighed. "Well, since I heard they were considering turning you-"

"What?" I asked, surprised. That was news to me!

"During the worst of your fever." Edward clarified with a nod. "It was discussed briefly, that if things were to get any worse for you.. Well, we took a vote. It was surprisingly unanimous."

"What's that?" I asked, unsure.

"It means we all agreed." Alice explained.

"Even Rose, which believe me, isn't an easy feat." Bella added with a smile.

Edward continued. "The situation was extremely uncertain, and none of us are willing to lose you. Not for a second, and not for any reason."

That made sense, but I still couldn't imagine it.

"All I needed was a little time." I pointed out.

Edward nodded. "Thank goodness."

"Well, I thought I'd get to be more comfortable with you." Bella finished in my silence. "You're such a huge part of this family." I appreciated that, but I was stuck.

"A stupid fever can't kill me, can it?" I frowned, looking up at Carlisle.

"It can." He replied sadly. "Should it have gotten high enough, many things could have gone wrong. You'd already reached a very dangerous temperature. Temperatures like that can cause seizures or a coma, which would eventually lead to death. Considering the fact that nothing we tried did much to bring it down, we weren't taking chances."

I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I wasn't bothered by that knowledge, though. Quite the contrary. I'd had an idea before that they would be willing, but to know it'd come close enough to need a vote really proved it. I was just stunned.

"You're a part of the family." Alice pointed out quietly, and I looked over at her. "We don't make those promises lightly, Leandra."

I couldn't help smiling a little. Why did that make me feel better? Having that confidence there. The fact that Rose was even for it surprised me. She was the one that told me all the reasons why I should stay human.

I nodded in response.

"If it means anything.." I mumbled. "If you have to turn me to save me, then that's what I want, but only if you have to. I don't wanna be lost, either, but I don't wanna be stuck eleven years old forever."

Carlisle nodded. He accepted that, no doubt appreciating my input.

I was glad that Bella had decided to talk to me. It put a lot of me at ease to see that she was still mostly herself. She just looked different, but it went deeper than that.

It eased me to see that even after such a huge change, it was possible to keep parts of herself. I just needed a little bit of hope that maybe I could keep parts of myself too. I might not have gone through a change like hers, but I was plenty different.

I was missing so much, and maybe I just needed a little bit of time to find those parts of me.

I sighed as deeply as I could, nodding. It made me feel better. Not physically, though. Just emotionally. Physically, I still felt like I'd been run over by a truck. The fever burning itself out had taken a lot of my energy, and I ached all over, but again. I had a lot to think about.

Something about that discussion made me question a lot more than it answered, though. Even fleetingly, did my past make me a very good person to turn into a vampire? Should someone like me really have that option?

That was a very loaded thought.

For the first time in a long time, bundled up as a precaution, I stood above everything in my tree house that afternoon. In the window room, just watching as far as I could see, out passed the river. Though I wasn't that high up, the view still brought me a lot of peace.

I stood there to reflect. I needed to do inventory. I had a lot to catch up on. So much I hadn't been willing to think about yet. I felt like I was losing touch with where I'd come from. I wanted to get back to the promises I lived by. The things I'd tell myself during the long nights on my own. I needed to get back to that basic level, and I needed to do my part in repairing the holes still there.

What would I say if I were faced with four-year-old me? She was real, and I needed to pick her up, not push her down. Not blame her. Never blame her again. I needed to stop turning away from her. To focus on her, not on Jack or what he did.

I felt like that that was where I needed to start if I was ever going to find my steps again. I needed to go back and remember who I was, instead of mourning for someone I didn't know. Tear down my own walls, and rebuild it stronger with the things I knew now to fix that imbalance I was stuck with. I'd lost touch, but I wasn't giving up. I would find who I was supposed to be in the process.

I eventually sat, taking in the forest around me, but my mind was in the past.

I stayed up there long enough to see Jacob and Seth return to the house, but neither of them saw me. They just walked right by. I stayed up there long enough to see them leave again, about an hour later.

I stayed up there long enough to see the trees grow darker, evening chilling me like something was in it. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't ignore that darkest door. The things that, as of lately, had taken backseat to the present.

I'd had my rest. I needed to open that door again, but whatever was beyond it wouldn't break me again. I wasn't sure what had changed, but I felt more prepared to face those things now.

In my thoughts, I paused long enough to ask Edward to help them understand. I needed my space for now. These thoughts were thoughts I needed to have alone. I knew he'd done as I asked when I wasn't bothered when night completely fell.

I prepared for a long night.

A/N: I'm aware that this is filler, but I liked how it came out. I hope you enjoyed it as well. I apologize if this seems rushed. I think I'm doing a little better. Of course, I say that lightly.
THANK YOU to my loyal reviewers of last chapter! YOU have kept me going, even through my doubt. THANK YOU for your encouragement. It's meant a lot to me, more so lately than I think you know.
Chapter Eighteen will move us on. Despite how it may seem, I'm excited to get moving forward in this story. There's so much more ahead.
Until next chapter, guys. (: