Chapter Eighteen
I opened my eyes to the silence of the tree house. The only sound I heard beyond that silence were muffled songs of birds in the early morning.
When I got tired of sitting up, I moved to the other side of the tree house. The couch in the loft was more than comfortable enough, and the blanket kept me warm.
I laid there, listening to the birds while I remembered the dreams I'd had.
The dream I had was an odd mix. The blackness was mixed with an old memory. Several old memories at once. The first being when I was five. Kindergarten was a required grade for kids my age, and this memory was of sometime while I was at school.
I'd completely forgotten I'd done this.
The day I came home from my first day of school, Jack had burned my things. Most of my clothes, toys, blankets. But that created a different problem.
Starting school made me begin to see the imbalance of the kids at school, and me. It seemed like every day they had a new toy with them, or something new and pretty, so I did what any kid would do.
I started to steal things. I took things that never belonged to me.
Just small things. Pens or crayons, or little stuffed animals that could fit easily into my backpack. I'd take them, and quickly put them into my backpack before the other kid noticed it missing. I wasn't smart enough to realize back then that the teacher could see everything I did. I was finally caught one day, and on top of being embarrassed by her disappointment, she called my parents.
With a laughing promise to teach me a lesson, Jack took me home that day. If the humiliation and guilt wasn't enough, I was locked in my room for the entire weekend. No food or water. Not even a bathroom break, but I had to go somewhere. I was, of course, beaten for that when Jack found out, but I couldn't help it.
The next memory was of a time when I was seven. Again, at school. A new girl had just moved to town, and she was one of the ones that attempted to talk to me. She seemed nice enough, but I really wasn't looking for any friends. I was a lonely kid, but I never considered the fact that I could have friends. I felt so different by then, I didn't want any part of them.
I didn't trust anyone but myself by that time in my life, and all I saw was someone who couldn't mind their own business. So I did what any kid like me would do. I told her to leave me alone, or I'd punch her face in. She later joined Rachel's herd of friends.
The next memory, for once, was one more recent. I was nine years old in this one, and it was the day of the field trip. The day my life changed, but this memory was different. For the first time, the memory itself had changed. It wasn't the same memory, but it felt just as real as any other memory. There was no distinction. It took me a moment to realize that I was seeing the other direction that day could have gone.
This time, I had stayed home.
The day had started like it did, but instead of leaving the house with the cigarette like I had, I turned right back around and went back into my room. I never went to school that day, and I never met Carlisle. I never fought with Rachel, and I never got into any trouble.
It was so real to me, it was difficult to realize it was a dream.
In this dream, Jack got home right around the time he usually did, and life went on like it always had. Time passed, and life went on the same it always did. Years passed, and by the time I was the age I was now, I was only worse. My mom had died months before, so it was only Jack and I living together now.
Of course, I'd cried over losing her, but that was beaten out of me also.
In this dream, I only made it a few days passed my thirteenth birthday. In this dream, Jack had taken things way too far, and I felt the pain of that as if I'd actually experienced it. He'd broken too many things in me, and death was slow.
I'd woken up just as I felt my heart beat for the last time, but now that I was awake, I realized how fast my heart actually beat. I gasped for breath, actually surprised it hadn't been real.
It took me several long minutes of laying there to realize what that had been. I'd seen the other side of the decision, and I didn't like what I'd seen. I was suddenly overwhelmingly grateful to have made the right choice that morning.
Going to school, despite the intense, blinding pain I was in had been the right choice.
By the time I finally went back into the house, I felt a lot better, but that dream stuck with me. It was proving hard to shake off. It didn't bother me in a way I expected, though. It was different.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Esme asked as I found my way into the living room. I still felt tired, but my head didn't ache. I sighed as I settled into the open space beside her in the chair. She greeted me by wrapping me in her arm. I would really hate the day that I was too big to do this.
"I'm sorry I stayed out there so long." I mumbled, looking over at her.
"Don't be, honey." She smiled sadly. "We understand. Sometimes a bit of space is needed." I nodded with a yawn. "Did it help you?"
"I think so." I sighed. "I think I get it a little better now. A lot more makes sense, I mean." I decided against telling her about my dream. I didn't feel like I needed to.
"Were you warm enough out there?" She asked, clearly concerned as she smoothed my forehead.
"I was fine." I assured her. "I don't think my fever will come back." We were quiet for a moment. It was a comfortable silence. It'd felt like forever since I'd sat with Esme like this. Waking me up or comforting me out of a nightmare was different. This was calm.
"You've been having such a hard time lately." She finally sighed, and again, I looked up at her. "I would give anything to help you through it."
My heart broke a little. I felt so bad for making her feel like that.
"This is good." I replied, reaching up and hugging her arm. "I think I was a little jealous of Renesmee at first."
"It's only natural." She murmured gently. "You felt like your place was threatened."
"Not just that." I mumbled, tracing the flower pattern on her sleeve. "But because I knew that she'll always have one thing above me."
"What would that be?" She asked, lightly curious.
"She got to be born into this family." I answered quietly. She didn't reply at first, but I felt her look down at me.
"Honey, you are and will always be just as loved and protected." She hugged me tighter. "Though I do wish you'd been ours from the start, just to have spared you from the horrible things you've seen, you are so completely loved just the way you are."
I closed my eyes, deciding to just appreciate the moment.
"Leandra?" I looked over as Carlisle walked into the room. "I just received word from your father."
"Is he okay?" I had to ask.
"They're all fine." He assured me, sitting down. "He's requesting a day with you. If you're okay with it, he'll pick you up tomorrow morning."
That surprised me. They'd been quiet.
"Okay." I agreed quietly. That puzzled me, but knowing my dad, that wasn't so weird.
He picked me up just before eleven the following morning. He got to meet Renesmee, and he had a brief conversation with Carlisle before leading me to his car.
I wasn't bothered by it. It wasn't about trust anymore. I found I was still pretty okay with spending time with him. The plan was lunch and conversation. Nothing too stressful. I could deal with that.
It was silent as we left the house behind. He kept looking over at me like I was fascinating to him. I wasn't even sure where to start. So much had changed since I'd last seen him. Apparently, he'd been pretty busy between the new house and setting up everything at work, but I only had to wonder what prompted this little date for a few minutes.
"I'm so glad you're okay." He sighed, ending the silence and I looked over at him from the passenger seat. "I only wish I'd been told about what happened sooner."
"I'm fine." I assured him.
"I know I've been pretty busy, but I should have checked in more often." He shook his head. "Did they catch the guy that caused it?" The fire.
"I don't think so." I admitted. "But they're still looking."
"I just don't understand why anyone would do something like that." He sounded agitated.
"Me either." My voice was quiet. I didn't like talking about things I didn't have an answer to. He clearly didn't either, because he let it drop. It was silent for another minute.
"Your hair is shorter." He laughed, glancing over at me. I smiled a little and nodded. "I'm so used to your long hair."
"Me too." I replied. "I don't ever remember having short hair."
"I think it's nice." He smiled as well. "It makes you look older."
"Thanks." I laughed.
I could tell that there was so much he wanted to say, but I could also tell he held back because he felt like it wasn't his place. The longer he stayed away, the further we got, and I knew that was part of the reason why he wanted to move back here in the first place. I felt that too.
So he sat silently, and so did I. He took me to Port Angeles, as if he hadn't learned his lesson there. He probably knew I had no reason to run. I was right where I wanted to be, so I really wasn't a flight risk.
He chose a smaller restaurant on the west side of town, and it was just starting to drizzle rain outside. The evidence in the air as I stood from the car. Pulling my jacket closed tighter around me.
"Baby, I think we need to talk." He finally spoke once we were seated inside.
"About?" I asked hesitantly.
"You're more beautiful every time I see you." He started, and I chose then to find the top of the table fascinating. "You're really growing up. Something I never thought I'd get to see. The older you get, the more I see your mother in you, and you know I only want the best for you."
"I know." I nodded a little.
"I guess what I'm asking is to just know for sure that you have enough guidance." He said. "The right influences."
I frowned a little.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"I'm not questioning their ability to raise you." He replied evenly. "But.. It seems to be a habit of theirs to pair everyone up."
"And you think.." I was slowly understanding.
"All I mean, is I just want to be sure you have a good role model in your life." He assured me. "I really don't want you to feel like you have to-"
"They don't make me feel like I have to do anything." I frowned even more. I was fuming, but the stupid waitress showed up.
I pointed to the first thing I saw on the menu, taking the rest of the time to think about a reply. I was stunned, and I had no idea where this might have been coming from. Yeah, everyone was paired up, but that was only because they'd found their other halves.
There was no Alice without Jasper. No Emmett without Rose, or Carlisle without Esme. How was I supposed to explain that to someone who couldn't possibly understand? I only understood it because they were my family. I didn't have the words.
"My whole family is my role model." I told him firmly as soon as the waitress walked away. "They don't pair everyone up. They found each other."
"I don't know." He shook his head. "It seems like-"
"I don't care what it seems like." I snapped.
"I just don't want to see you pregnant at eighteen." He finally said, leaning back. "It was hard enough raising a baby when we were in our twenties."
"I'll never get pregnant." I replied coldly. "Don't even worry."
"You say that now." He stressed lightly. "But you'll change your mind. I'm not trying to-"
"Well, you did." I cut him off again. "And you didn't raise me, remember?"
"More than you know." He countered. "But I think-"
"I already know what you think." I muttered. I stood up.
"Where are you going?" He asked, surprised.
"Bathroom." I replied, walking away. I felt him watching after me, even after I rounded the corner.
I followed the sign to the little hall holding the bathrooms. At the end of this little hall, I noticed a back door propped open. It led outside into the rain and the back of the restaurant.
I was mad, but not mad enough. I wasn't intending to leave, so I shook my head, pushed open and stepped through the correct door.
I crossed the room to the row of three sinks. Taking a deep breath, I tried to soothe the anger by staring out the window.
I had to wonder, though, how long this had been bugging him. I hated that he tried to ruin what I had, but maybe that wasn't his real intent. I couldn't get mad at everyone that questioned what was right in front of them. Not when they didn't know the whole story.
I returned to the table.
"I get that it's not what you're used to." I spoke before I was even fully seated. "But just because it's different to you doesn't mean it's wrong. There's a lot about them that you don't know."
"I'm starting to see that." He nodded. The waitress chose that time to arrive again, irritating me. I grit my teeth, and bit back a reply. Looking down at the table, and the drink being set in front of me.
"Sorry." I sighed when she left again. "I get mad when people bring them up that way. The only reason they're paired like they are is because they found who they wanna be with. It's not some goal of theirs. More like luck."
He nodded again, and I could see he understood a little better.
"I'm sorry too." He replied. "I never meant to second guess any of them. I'm just a bit protective of you."
"I still mean it, though. I'll never have kids."
"Part of me wants to ask why, but I think I can imagine why." He smiled sadly.
"Someone like me shouldn't be raising kids." I pointed out.
"Baby, the way you are, it's not set in stone." He said.
"Maybe not." I shook my head. "But it's how it is. I'm not gonna change my mind so might as well stop talking about it."
"Your mom was like that too." He pointed out, and I looked up. "She swore the same thing."
"Really?" I asked, curious.
He nodded. "I wanted kids, she still wasn't so sure."
"But then I happened." I muttered, disheartened. "Look how that went."
He seemed like he wanted to say something, but he sighed instead.
"What?" I pressed, noticing that he was holding something back. I studied him closely while I went over what we'd just said to each other. Examining it for clues to what he'd wanted to say.
"Let's just say.." He mused before I could think too much. "It didn't begin with you."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
"There are so many things you don't know." He sighed, smiling sadly. "Things I wish I could tell you, but it's not my place alone. It didn't start with you. She had her share of problems long before you came into the world, baby."
That wasn't it. He just didn't get that he couldn't satisfy me with half-truths. There was still something he wasn't telling me.
"What else?" I asked quietly. He kept his expression even for several seconds. I tried to read his expression, but he kept it hidden. He looked down first, which told me I was right.
"If I tell you, you have to promise me." His voice was quieter. "There's no way I can ask you to be understanding, but I have to. She was young, and so was I."
"Okay.." I mumbled, unsure.
"You.." He sighed, hesitating. "You weren't the first."
"You said that already."
"You weren't our first baby." He clarified, and I froze. It took me a second to really understand what he was saying, and he chose to use that second to continue. "Your mom was sixteen. I was eighteen."
"So.."
"There are laws against that sort of thing." He explained. "Her aunt was so mad at me. She swore if she didn't arrange adoption for the baby, she'd use that law against me to the fullest."
I was so stunned. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was saying I had a full-blooded sibling out there somewhere?
"W-What.." I was breathless. "Wait, what? When? Where.."
"Your mom's brother took the baby in." He answered my questions calmly. Gently. "He was kept in the family, but Brian was a little better equipped to handle raising a child. We-"
"He?" It was a brother.
"We didn't want to interfere." He went on. "So it was a closed adoption."
"She's seen him." I understood, looking up. "She spent awhile with her brother.. Is that why she went there?"
"Possibly." He sighed. "She shouldn't have, but.. Since when has she ever done things by the book? We swore when you were born that we'd tell you someday when you were old enough to understand. I just wasn't expecting that day to come so soon."
"Is that what this is about? Is that why you think I'm stupid enough to get pregnant at sixteen?" I snapped, surprising myself. "Because mom was?"
"No, that's-"
"Save it." I grumbled, looking down. "I'm not like her."
He was quiet. I felt him watching me, probably waiting for my real reaction to news this heavy. That he thought so low of me actually hurt, but I also had a lot to think about now. I wasn't sure how I would tell my family about it. Not that it would change anything. It wouldn't change anything, so why bother bringing it up? Should it matter more than I thought it should? It was a big deal to me.
"I didn't want to know this." I finally snapped, leaning back in my seat. "What does it matter if I have a brother out there somewhere? Why?"
"I know how confusing this must be." He replied gently. "If you wanted to meet him, I'm sure-"
"Why would I wanna meet him?" I asked incredulously. "You guys didn't want him either."
"That's not true." He immediately countered. "We were-"
"Stupid." I finished for him. "You both were stupid and never should have had kids. That's why I won't ever find a reason in the world good enough to have them. All it does is ruin people's lives." I stood up. "I'm not very hungry."
He sighed heavily, watching me walk away. I hadn't been intending to leave, but I sure was now. I decided to wait at the car. Storming outside into the drizzling rain, I tried so hard to calm down. It happened so long ago, and that's the part he was asking me to understand.
I rounded the other side of the car, my back to the restaurant when something caught my eye just inside the trees along the edge of the parking lot. It was just a little bit of movement, but I looked up sharply.
I smiled a little as I recognized the stranger standing there, completely forgetting for a second that I was pissed off. He smiled as well, and nodded, gesturing me to follow him before he turned and walked into the shadows between the trees. I assumed I had a few minutes before my dad would even bother coming to look for me, so I took a walk. Right into the trees.
It was a pretty shallow group of trees, but it gave enough coverage. It was easy to follow the stranger. I spotted him easily where he leaned against a tree. I still recognized him from that day in the woods. It seemed like awhile ago, so it was pretty nice to see him.
His smile matched mine.
"I thought we agreed no more trips on your own?" He inquired, only curious. His voice was smoother, more even than I remembered. His eyes just as open, but also just as crimson as I remembered. In the limited space, he was closer.
"I never agreed to that." I pointed out. "What are you doing back?" I was curious as well.
"Passing through." He replied. "I thought I'd take a peek."
"Why?" I couldn't help wondering. He shrugged gently. I waited, though. I wanted to know.
"I'm not sure, to be honest." He laughed. "I mostly just wanted to see that you were okay. After the fire that night-"
"How long have you been around?" I asked, surprised.
"Long enough to take out the guy that did it."
"You saw who it was?"
"Only after it was started." He replied apologetically. "Fire is kind of a weakness of mine, so I try to avoid it, so I couldn't exactly run in there and save everyone myself, but I saw you get out and I knew I probably shouldn't stick around."
"And you caught the guy that did it?"
"It wasn't hard." He assured me with a small smile.
"I-I mean.. Thank you, I guess, but.. Why?"
"Call it another favor." He answered, but he sighed. "I used to have a sister your age. I miss her more than anything, so I feel a little protective of you, I guess."
That explained it.
"And you're not allowed to see her anymore." I understood.
"For obvious reasons, no." He smirked a little.
"But have you been around here since the night of the fire?" I asked. "That was weeks ago."
"Here and there." He replied vaguely. "Are you? Okay, I mean?"
"I'm okay now." I answered. "How come you don't know that if you've been around?"
"I wasn't about to go any closer to your family's territory. That would be stupid."
I laughed a little, just imagining the amount of freak-out.
"Well, thank you." I said again, sitting down on the thin fallen tree behind me. "I'm okay now. Do I get to know your name yet?" He smirked.
"Is that really wise, Leandra?" He asked, and I glared. He'd heard my name.
"Cheater."
"It's not my fault." He replied defensively. "But I'll tell you what. I'll tell you my name, if you tell me who you're with, and why you were so mad at him."
I looked down.
"Well, that's not really that fair, is it?" I countered. "Why would I tell that to stranger?"
"Is that what I am?" He was amused now. "Am I a stranger?" I'd never met anyone that made me think this way. Not in a bad way, but he was very interesting. The way he turned things around fascinated me in just the right way.
"Um.. Yeah.." I replied pointedly, but I looked at him again. I couldn't deny that I was seeing that something else there once again. The same something else that made me look so closely the first time I met him. I couldn't identify it, but it kept me looking.
"I don't know." I finally corrected myself, and he smiled again. I looked back down as soon as I could, ignoring the frustrating blush I felt across my face. I looked back up defiantly. "And can you really tell me you don't know who he is?"
"There is some resemblance." He noted, and it was my turn to smirk a little.
"He's my birth dad." I said, and he understood. "One of the things he wanted when I chose to stay with my family is time with me. If I agreed to that, he would sign away his rights. Long story."
He nodded. "I vaguely remember how complicated human families can be."
"I'm not really mad at him." I continued. "I'm just.. Okay, so I was a little pissed off, but that was just because he told me something I didn't need to know."
"Well, why not?" He asked. "Why didn't you need to hear that you have a brother?" I wasn't surprised that he'd heard that part.
"I went my whole life thinking I was an only child." I replied with a shrug. "I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing I have a stupid brother. I don't need another brother. I dunno why knowing now would bug me so much."
He nodded again, understanding further.
"Want my advice?" He asked after a moment, and I waited, watching him. He spoke again, gentler this time. "At least meet him. It isn't fair to judge someone before even knowing them. I know I'd want to know if I had a little sister out there somewhere."
"He probably doesn't even know about me." I pointed out.
"So change that." He said. "I mean, your dad just pretty much gave you permission to let that cat out of the bag. Why not use it?"
I shrugged once more, and he smiled a little.
"My name is Mikah." He admitted, taking pity on me, and I nodded.
"Thanks." I sighed, looking down. I felt grateful to finally know his name, but I had a lot weighing on me. He watched me for a few silent seconds.
"I'm really not here to hurt you."
"I know that." I replied, surprising myself as I looked back up. "I can tell."
"Then what is it?" He asked. "Do I bother you?"
"No."
"Are you afraid of me?"
"No." I repeated. "Should I be? Just because you hunt humans?"
"Most humans would be uncomfortable with my diet, yes."
"I'm not like most humans." I reminded him, folding my hands in front of me. "Just ask my family."
He laughed. "Now that's a challenge I won't take."
"You don't have to be scared of them." I finally told him. That had been a thing before, too. "They're not like other vampires, either."
"Clearly." He lightly gestured to me. "But that's really not a risk I'm willing to take right now."
"You already said you're not here to hurt me." I pointed out. "So they'd have no reason to kill you. Definitely not after they hear you caught the guy that tried to kill me."
"I didn't do it for any recognition, princess." He smiled, so I knew the title was one of endearment and he wasn't trying to be condescending.
"Then why?" I wondered quietly. "I get you feel protective, but why wouldn't you want anyone else to know?"
"Anyone that would intentionally harm a child, let alone three, doesn't deserve another breath." He crouched. "I had a few younger siblings, and I was very protective of them when I was human. Call it instinct."
"I'm not a child." I muttered, and he smiled again.
"Of course not." He replied. "I'm sorry."
"You had a big family." I noted, and he nodded, but he didn't seem to want to explain any. I was okay with that. I wasn't looking for his life story.
"Well, can I tell my family what you did?" I asked. "Just so they know they won't find anything."
"I don't see why you shouldn't." He replied easily. "I'm not asking you to keep secrets." I nodded. "I am glad that you're okay, though. I'm just sorry I didn't get a chance to see you sooner."
"I've been home this whole time." I waved it off. "You know you're probably gonna have to meet them sooner or later if you keep coming back here."
"I know. I'd just like them to know that I'm not a threat first."
"And talking to me is the best way to do that?" I guessed. He was quiet, though. He studied me instead of replying, and I couldn't help wondering what he was looking for. He finally stood up with a sigh.
"As much fun as this is, you should probably get back." He said. "Your absence has been noted."
That disappointed me.
"Will I see you again?" I asked, that disappointment coming through clearly in my voice. I didn't want him to leave.
"I'm not sure." He replied thoughtfully. "I came back to see you a second time, didn't I?"
That was true.
"Maybe some day." He added with another smile. "Have a good night, princess."
With that, he walked away. Not quickly darting away, but he walked right passed me, toward the darker part of the woods we stood in. I watched, my eyes stuck on him as I turned on the spot. He glanced back at me from the shadows there, and I could just see his warm smile before I blinked at a subtle, silent breeze and he was gone.
A second later, before I could fully register that Mikah was gone, I heard my dad's voice back the way I'd come.
"Leandra?" He called.
"Yeah." I called back on reflex, startling myself out of whatever daze I was in. "Here."
"What are you doing out here?" I heard his voice coming closer.
"I-Um.." My mind was moving too slowly. I felt confused, but I shook my head. "I wanted to take a walk, to calm down, and I thought I saw something."
"It's probably not a good idea to follow things around out here." He laughed, reaching my side. "I'm sure there are skunks living somewhere around here."
"Or bears." I looked around myself. As accustomed as I was to seeing them move that quickly, the way Mikah had gone had really affected me.
"Really." His smile faded a little in concern as he looked at me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I did my best to be convincing, but that included leading the way back toward the parking lot. Walking helped.
We really weren't in the trees very far, so I found myself back beside the car in no time. He unlocked the doors with a heavy sigh and I climbed in first.
"Leandra, I didn't mean to upset you." He spoke as soon as he was seated. "I wasn't implying that you were anything like your mother. I only wanted you to know that I'm paying attention."
"I'm not mad about that anymore." I grumbled, looking out the window. He hesitated.
"If you have any questions, I'd-"
"I don't." I snapped. "Shut up about it."
I was being mean, but in my defense, I was uncomfortable with talking about it. I didn't want to know anything about him. I just wanted to get back home. Back to normal.
"Give it some thought." He seemed to understand my mood. "His name is Nicholas."
I didn't reply at first, taking a deep breath.
"How old is he?" I asked quietly. Keeping my eyes out the window.
"He turned sixteen in August." He answered calmly. "The adoption was closed, so I don't know much, but I wouldn't doubt your mom knows more."
"Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"We didn't want to upset you." He replied. "You were way too young to understand when your mom and I were together. You would have only been confused, and later.. Well, it's not something I wanted to just drop on you like this."
I was quiet again, watching the scenery out the window. It was so hard to wrap my head around this, but again, I knew it wouldn't change anything.
"Is it bad.." I mumbled. "That I wish you'd have given me away too?"
He glanced over at me.
"No." He finally replied. "It's not. It's only as bad as me wishing your mother had given you away too." I understood what he meant. "Maybe if she had, you would have had a childhood you could happily look back on."
I sighed, but I was even more sure. This wouldn't change anything. Knowing now didn't magically make room for a brother I had never known existed before.
"I guess I need to see mom now. I know right where to find her." I muttered, and he didn't reply. It was a little surprising that she would go there to see him. Especially right after losing me again. What was she hoping to accomplish? I had no clue, but I would find out.
My mind wandered the rest of the drive. His name was Mikah. I didn't really know why that mattered, but I was glad to know it now.
I missed him already. It was the strangest feeling, fighting the smile off my face just thinking about him. My dad noticed, but he didn't ask despite how curious I knew he was. I felt stupid, but it didn't matter.
It'd been awhile since I felt that light, and I realized that that was what I liked the most about him. Even the first time I met him, he gave me that feeling. It was subtle, but I saw something in him. It was so different, but felt familiar.
I really hoped I'd see him again, even as I walked in once I was dropped off, and spotted Edward standing there. Not surprisingly, his attention was on me the second I walked through the door, but I didn't care. I wasn't trying to hide anything, but that only seemed to help.
I drifted to a stop by the couch, the room silent despite its many occupants.
I stood across the room, watching him. Edward watched me in return, much to Carlisle's curiosity. I read the questions in Edward's expressions, and answered silently the best I could. I made sure Edward knew that my current preoccupation wasn't a threat to me.
I recalled for him our entire conversation, emphasizing how kind he was to me, and that seemed to be all he was looking for. He gave me a slow nod. I knew it'd probably be brought up later, but for right then, I wasn't being interrogated.
"Should we know what that was about?" Emmett asked, mildly curious. He'd noticed too.
"No." I answered, looking over.
"It isn't anything to worry about right now." Edward answered as well. Thankfully, he seemed satisfied with that answer.
Life from there was pretty uneventful.
A month had passed, and we waited. I couldn't believe how stubborn this cold was. Even with the help of the antibiotics, it was iffy. I had inhaled a lot of smoke that night. Maybe there was some something in there I wasn't supposed to breathe? I really didn't know.
The dream, or vision, stayed black. When I did have it, which was varying in frequency, there wasn't a single shred of usable information in there, but despite that, it continued to try. I hated my nights again.
I was on my fourth day straight, and the worry had become almost debilitating. The dread, along with the blackness as I slept was almost too much for me to deal with. I'd been strongly urged to open up more, but so far, I shied away from that.
Around the blackness, my memories continued to plague my sleep and almost every waking moment of my life. Thoughts I knew I shouldn't have been having were beating me down daily, constantly there despite my efforts. Thoughts anyone would be concerned about. Memories, worse memories, and a lot of self-hatred.
Between these thoughts, there was no room to think about what I'd learned from my dad weeks before, but it had crossed my mind once or twice. Edward never said anything, so I would rather believe he wasn't aware.
With no warning, I was sliding again.
I was hiding it again, but it was the only way I knew how to deal with it. Hide it the best I could, and fall to pieces where no one could see. Between the two sleep disturbances, I wasn't sleeping the way I used to anymore. I was back to where I was at the end of the summer, only this time, I was able to stay in my room for more than five seconds at a time.
I'd only come full circle, and that fact wasn't lost on the family. Especially now that Edward was around more often.
I was jumpy, I was emotional. Constantly tense. I had to admit, it finally sucked knowing he was seeing everything on a more personal level. I wasn't used to him being around so often, so a lot of the thoughts I usually hid around him didn't stay hidden long enough to keep him from seeing them.
Edward had taken me aside. Cornering me in the hallway outside my room after days on end of me fighting to get out from under whatever this was.
"Stop hiding it." He insisted, and I only closed my eyes. Shaking my head as I went to walk away. He caught me gently, but firmly, turning me back around. "I mean it. Leandra, you can't keep doing this."
"I'm doing the best I can." I replied quietly. "Please don't make this any harder than it already is." I couldn't handle more yet.
"It doesn't have to be." He almost plead. "Honestly, I don't know how Jasper has managed to go so long without insisting you talk to someone. The mental weight alone is crushing. How must that feel?"
"He knows pressuring me won't help." I crossed my arms insecurely over my chest. Seriously. How did he not get this by now? "He knows me enough to know that it's better to let me hide it."
"All you're doing by hiding it, is hurting yourself." He insisted again. "Believe me. If someone doesn't pressure you, you won't speak anyway. So please. Tell me what we're supposed to do about it."
"It's the only way I know how." I told him firmly. "I'm not asking anyone to do anything about anything."
"I know you're not." He countered. "That's the problem. You need to be asking."
"I'm asking you to stay out of it." He was really pressing my patience.
"And I'm asking you, Leandra, to speak up before I do." He responded. "I've tried to mind my own business, but honestly, your thoughts are the loudest I've ever heard. I can't keep enduring this."
"Then leave when it gets too loud."
"I'm not trying to fight with you." He said. "But I'm not backing down."
"What happened to staying out of it like Rosalie said?" I asked, narrowing my eyes. I wasn't happy with this conversation.
"To tell you the truth," He replied incredulously. "Your memories are worse than hers were. By far. Your thoughts are ten times worse than I've ever seen from her. There is only so much I can take sitting down. The things you've endured-"
"Don't even remind me." I glared. "You don't have to remind me, because I was there. They're my thoughts, Edward. I'll do whatever I want to about them. It's worked this long."
"I would gladly step back if that was true." He countered. "But I see exactly what it's doing to you, and I'm telling you that whatever you think you're doing is not working."
"Stay out of it." I snapped, finally spinning and heading for the living room.
"Keeping it in is only making you bitter." He called after me. "I mean it, Leandra. I will say something if you choose not to." I pretended not to hear him. He knew better, but he dropped it anyway. For the time being.
Thoughts about Mikah was one thing, but thoughts like this were much different. I wished so much I could choose which things he could see, but it didn't work like that. The more I'd try to hide something, the more he'd see, and he'd see my effort to hide it.
That was yesterday. Since that talk, I was no closer to telling anyone than I was before he said anything. Nobody needed that. I was so tired.
Bringing myself back to the moment, I sighed. I sat there staring at the untouched lunch sitting in front of me.
Carlisle had gone into work that day, probably to prove to the hospital that he was still alive. I really didn't like that, but I had no say in it. He'd always been around when I needed him, but now he was in town. It was hardly noon, and I was already edgy.
"He'll be home later, honey." Esme understood, but it really didn't help. I knew he'd be home later. I'd known he'd be home later before he even left, and it didn't help then either.
I looked over as Rosalie stepped into the kitchen with Renesmee in her arm.
Renesmee had been born a little more than a month and a half ago, and she already looked a few years old. She was the size of a human three year old, and didn't show any signs of her growth slowing.
I still didn't mind her much. She could talk now, but still chose her gift as a way of communicating. More often than not, she didn't have to say a word to get her point across. She'd gotten good at that.
I had to wonder, though. How was she doing that? Yeah, she was half vampire, but how was she mastering her gift so much easier than I was? Mine was pretty complicated, and hers pretty straightforward. I comforted myself with that thought.
"Why does it even matter?" I asked. "He didn't have to go." I offered Renesmee a strawberry from my bowl, and unsurprisingly, she turned away from it with a face.
"We need to maintain the connections we have here." Esme explained.
"I know." I grumbled, dropping the strawberry back into the bowl. "But it sucks."
I wasn't surprised anymore to see Jacob walking into the kitchen as well, but today, Seth was a pleasant surprise. He greeted me with a smile, but I was too bummed to return it.
I sighed, looking at Esme. "I'm not that hungry. Can I go outside?"
She forced a sad, understanding smile before she nodded. I forced a small, grateful smile and I stood up. I left the kitchen, passing right by Seth.
I wasn't surprised when he followed me.
"Hey, wait." Seth called, and I slowed to let him catch up, sighing a little. He was okay company, so I didn't mind when he trailed along with me out the side door. Down the steps, toward the back of the house.
"So.. You don't like it when Carlisle is gone?" He finally asked as we approached my tree house. I shook my head. He must have overheard.
"It's not like this is anything new, though." I explained. "It's harder to be away from him after he's been staying home a lot."
"Hey, don't be embarrassed." He said. "I get why it bugs you."
"Anyone else can leave, and I wouldn't mind it so much." I replied. "But Carlisle leaves, I hate it."
"I'll keep you company." Seth told me, smiling.
"Again?" I smirked a little, reaching for the climbing rope. "It's not like I don't have anyone to keep me company anymore. There's always Emmett, or Jasper and Alice. They've been wanting to work with me a little, but I've been avoiding it. I guess I just got used to Carlisle being around all the time."
I jumped up, gripping onto the rope. I didn't climb it very high, just holding myself up there. It was enough to counter my nervous energy.
"Why have you been avoiding working with Alice?" He asked. "She knows what you're all about." I liked talking with Seth. He seemed so interested in what I had to say. He asked genuine questions, and listened intently.
"I know." I allowed, shrugging a little. "It's just.. Weird. I don't mind it so much anymore, my gift, but it's.." I struggled to find the right way to describe it. I sighed again. "Okay. You've been around when I try to sleep at night, right?"
"And you wake up terrified?"
"Right." I said. "That doesn't go away during the day. That stays. As the day goes on, it starts to become tolerable, until I sleep again. Then it starts right up again. Some nights I dream about it, sometimes I don't, and I never know when it's going to show up again."
"And you still don't know what it's about?"
"I don't." I admitted regrettably. "Not a single damn thing. All I know, is that it scares me. More than anything I've ever been through. And it never eases up. Like I don't get used to it. Every time I dream about it, it scares me just as much as when I first dreamed about it."
"Has Edward been able to see anything?" Seth asked, offering suggestions. "While you sleep?"
"Nothing." I replied. "All he sees is what I wake up seeing. There's nothing there to see, like I'm not really thinking about it. He thinks it's because it's nothing I'm doing consciously."
"But can't he see Alice's visions?" He seemed confused by that too.
"I'm not really surprised by anything different anymore." I replied. "I think my gift is more different than we thought at first. So far, nothing's really the same as she thought it would be, except for what we can do."
"Hmm." He hummed in thought. Frowning.
"Maybe I'm just being selfish." I muttered, dropping down off the rope. He looked down at me while I inspected my hands.
"Selfish?" He asked, confused.
"I feel like I'm being selfish, because I don't want to see whatever it is." I admitted sadly. "I'm already so scared, and if I work with Alice on trying to strengthen this gift, I know I'll get it easier this time. I'll wind up seeing it. I guess you could say that I'm trying to hide from that vision as long as I can."
"I can understand that." He nodded.
"So do they." I said. "That's why they haven't pressured me. I'm afraid of what I'll see, but.."
"How is that selfish?"
"Because I know that whatever I'm trying to see.. They need to know it." I replied. "It would only help them to know whatever it is, but I'm too scared to look for it."
"Leandra, you're a kid." He reminded me.
"So?" I asked. "I should be doing everything I can to help them, but I'm not."
"So." He countered. "They know that too. You're not solely responsible for the safety of the entire family. They're protecting you, not the other way around. If whatever it is is bad enough, I'm sure they'll catch on in time. Carlisle's been around a long time. He'd never let anything happen to his family."
I took a deep breath.
"Least of all his daughter." He added quietly, and I sighed.
"I know." I nodded. I knew he was right, and I wanted so badly to take some comfort in that.
"Is that why it bothers you when he's gone?" He asked, and I hesitated. I wasn't sure how to answer at first.
"Yes, and no." I finally said. "I mean, yes, but that's not the only reason."
"What else?"
Instead of answering right away, I turned and moved for the tree house staircase. I expected him to follow, so I glanced back at him as I made it up the stairs and walked into the loft room.
"It takes a lot for someone like me to trust anyone." I explained as soon as he flopped down into a bean bag chair. I chose one across from him. "I can't even tell you how hard I've worked to learn how, but I know. As hard as I've worked to learn how, Carlisle's worked a thousand times harder to teach me how. He's worked harder than anyone, even when he didn't have to."
He smiled sadly, listening intently.
"When I first met him.." I mumbled, looking at my hands clasping absentmindedly. "If I had met him on any other day, he never would have gotten a word from me. If I hadn't met him exactly when I met him, I never would have said anything. Because he met me exactly when he did, there was an opening. A way through to me that nobody else could get through."
I thought back to that day.
"Not Alice, or even Edward." I went on. "I was afraid of Carlisle at first, but when I was sitting there and I saw how much he wanted to help me, I.. I don't know. That's when I budged. I finally wanted to be helped, and he was the one that helped me get there. It was like he knew how much I was risking. When he's gone, I feel.. Not exactly unsafe, because I know I'm safe, but.."
"You trust him most." He understood. "He knows how important your trust is. After.. How long of having nobody there." I nodded.
"I hate letting him down."
"You're not." He assured me. "I really don't think there is a way you could." I glanced up. "If you could hear the way he talks about you, you'd understand. He admires you so much, more than everyone, just for being who you are."
"I've made him mad before." I pointed out.
"What kid doesn't bug their parents?" He countered, and I smirked a little. "There's a difference in disappointing him a little and letting him down."
"Not to me."
"Then you need to learn to be more forgiving." He replied. "Because like it or not, you're part of this family. You have your part, they have theirs, but when all those parts come together, nothing in the world is stronger."
I hadn't thought about it like that before. I'd been putting so much pressure on myself, it seemed so divided.
We were quiet for another minute, before he spoke again.
"Think it could be that bad? That vision?" He asked, and his tone wasn't doubting. Just curious.
"Alice thinks I see everything at once." I explained quietly. "We don't know much about my gift yet. We're just learning as we go."
"That's pretty much all you can do." He agreed sadly. "I'm sorry this is so tough on you, Leandra."
"Me too." I mumbled. "It's not bothering me so much right now, though. Mostly, it's just Carlisle being gone."
"You shouldn't be embarrassed about that." He tried to comfort me. "You're just a daddy's girl."
I paused, my mood instantly dropping. My stomach with it. I hated that term with a blazing passion. I always had. The first time I remembered it being used to describe me, it came from Jack. I could really do without ever hearing it again.
"Fair warning," I managed to tell him quietly. "Don't tell me that again, or I swear I will punch you as hard as I can."
Hearing the change in my tone, he frowned. "Why? What's wrong with being a-" He cut off at a look from me. "That."
"I don't like being called that." I admitted quietly.
"I didn't mean to offend you." He responded. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm sorry. Why does it bother you so much?"
I was quiet for a minute, letting myself calm down a little bit. He waited, not asking again. Probably in case I chose not to answer. He was pretty cool that way.
Instead of answering, though, I just shrugged and stood up. Stepping out onto the deck. It wasn't a very spacious one, but it did what I needed it to do. It provided me with fresh air.
"Another long story?" He guessed, following me, and I nodded. "I'm sorry. I really didn't mean-"
"I know." I sighed. "It's okay. Just don't bring it up again. Ever." He nodded, which I did as well.
"You know, I don't think anyone's told you yet." He pointed out. "You've been doing so good controlling your anger."
I blinked in surprise, as it suddenly occurred to me. He was right. I hadn't stopped to consider that, but lately, whenever I'd be tempted to hit someone, I held it back. Even more, I didn't even stay mad at them for very long.
"You noticed?" I asked, curious.
"The family has noted a real difference in you." He explained. "Because they notice, Jake notices. It's been on his mind a lot lately, with you so close to Ness."
"Everyone but Edward, you mean." I sighed quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"My thoughts scare him." That about summed it up.
"I'm sure that doesn't mean he hasn't noticed." He replied. "It's impossible not to notice."
"Thanks." I mumbled, looking over. "I didn't even notice I was doing that."
"And for what it's worth." He nodded a little. "I really think you've come a long way, and I admire you for it."
I couldn't help smiling a little.
"Thanks." I said again. It was worth a lot.
Looking out over the forest beyond the back yard, I paused for a deep breath, closing my eyes. It suddenly meant a lot to even be standing here. I just wanted to be okay.
I briefly wondered where Mikah was right then, but because I thought about him, I thought about something else.
"I wonder if I can see Andrew soon." I mumbled. "If I'm right, my mom will be there." I had a lot of questions for her, and she had no clue it was coming. Unless my dad tipped her off.
"I'm sure you can." He replied, not minding the subject change. "I'll even offer to pull guard duty."
"You don't have to do that anymore."
"But aren't you worried?" He asked, confused. "After that fire?" I was surprised I hadn't mentioned that yet. I assumed Edward would have said something, but thinking about it, he couldn't have. Nobody interrogated me about it.
"No." I replied. "My friend caught the guy that did it."
"I like your friend." He replied, impressed.
"What friend?" I looked over, now not surprised at Emmett's appearance in the side door across the yard.
"Ask Edward." I called back. "He's allowed to tell you about that." He turned, leaving the doorway.
"What friend?" Seth asked curiously.
"A vampire." I answered nonchalantly, and he did a double take.
"Sorry?" He blinked in surprise.
I shrugged. "I like him."
"Is he at least like your family?"
"No." I replied just as nonchalantly.
"And he's your friend?" He asked, probably just trying to understand. I didn't care. "When you say.. Friend.."
"I mean.." I sighed, a little annoyed now. "He helped me awhile back, and he came back to check on me the day of the fire. He told me when I saw him a few weeks ago that he caught the guy that did it."
"He's a vampire."
"Yes."
"How is this news to your family?"
"I thought Edward would tell them." I reasoned. "Since he's so ready to announce to everyone what's in my head." I hoped he was around to hear the bitterness in that statement.
I paused for a cough, groaning out loud when I realized what that meant. Any cough from me meant instant action. They weren't taking any more chances with my health.
Sure enough, seconds later, Emmett was back at the side door.
"Inside, shorty." He called, and I sighed, looking to Seth.
"I inhaled a bug." I lied, slowly making my way toward the stairs.
"Right." Emmett chuckled. "Nice try. You don't have to sit in bed, but stay inside."
I slouched passed him in the doorway, not at all surprised when he followed me.
Apparently, I had a lot of explaining to do.
A/N: Holy f**king crap the wait for this got long! I am so sorry, guys. I've been in my own dark place for a little while, and I had to cut back a bit, but here I am. Doing my best, but I'm hoping it's enough.
THANK YOU to my awesomely amazing reviewers. I'm SO grateful for you guys. You have no idea.
Next chapter may take just as long, so heads up. I'm still trying to figure myself out, but I might surprise everyone and come out with one sooner. Who even knows? I'll be doing what I can.
Until Nineteen, guys. (: