6. Trust & Besties
Delphine could have sworn the kiss was real if it wasn't for the graphic, surreal events that followed. A hazy vision of Cosima's face so close to hers, everything moving slowly, her hand grasped the back of Cosima's neck and pulled her in until their lips met, sending a flurry of dulled tingles through her center. Only seconds later did she fall out of the scene, the world soon becoming sensual and filled with Cosima. She easily removed Cosima's clothing, leaving her with nothing but those lace undergarments that Delphine had taken such careful note of. She was somehow undressed as well, feeling only a fantasy warmth between the skin of their intertwined bodies. Cosima kept her devilish smirk the whole time, but Delphine's unconsciousness made it the sexiest thing she'd ever seen.
She woke, startled and sweating. The sun was shining through the sheer curtains, only a drizzle of rain obstructing an otherwise decent atmosphere. There was an uncomfortable warmth between her legs and Delphine was trying to find any possible cause for it other than her unconscious illusions. Her chest was tightening with anxiety. Sitting up, she shook her head, trying to rid herself of the thoughts. Squeezing her eyes shut, she mumbled under her breath, "Pas gay. Pas gay. Pas gay". A movement next to her in the bed froze Delphine as she realized she still had company.
"Mm, Delphine. You okay?" Cosima slurred next to her. She turned to see Cosima squinting while her eyes adjusted to the new light, turning onto her back so she could look up at Delphine. The loose top that she had given Cosima was half-way off her shoulder, exposing too much skin. Delphine's eyes wandered, not listening to her brain's instructions to stop, like a magnet. Watching Cosima's chest rise and fall gently with the sun making the visible skin glow, Delphine's bottom lip was clenched between her teeth. She was too tired to filter her actions, drowsily exploring collarbones, neck, jaw, lips, neck, lips, lips, eyes – eyes that were now mostly open and looking at her with confusion. "I'm not wearing my glasses, dude, so I can't tell if you're, like, super pissed or sleep-sitting," Cosima squinted comically and jabbed Delphine in the side.
The blond jumped to the side and giggled. There was just something about Cosima that made her feel playful and happy. She trapped Cosima's wrist in her hand so that she could speak, "Why on Earth would I be super pissed? You're so docile. Never get into mischief".
Cosima twisted her arm out of Delphine's grasp and caught the French woman's wrist instead, pulling her down to her level with a startled yelp. Delphine rolled to her stomach and tucked her head beneath Cosima's upper arm, stifling her incessant snickering. Cosima started again, her tone dropping slightly from playful to stiffly casual, "So, you're not mad or, like, upset? Sad, uneasy…nothing?".
"Should I be? You're starting to make me believe I should be," Delphine turned her head to face Cosima, resting on her bicep. "Is there something I need to know, Cosima?" She smiled charmingly, not understanding why Cosima's mood changed so oddly.
"Uh, no. Nope. What, uh…how'd you sleep?" Cosima replied lamely.
"Aside from some odd dreams, I slept pretty well," Delphine started tracing the tattoo on Cosima's other arm, lazily resting her arm over Cosima's stomach just to keep her eyes in a safe location, "et toi?"
"Odd dreams, you say?"
"Oui. And you?" Delphine was desperate to change the subject. She wasn't sure why she brought it up in the first place.
"No odd dreams for me," Cosima replied, turning her attention to the arm that was sweeping over her tattoo and becoming comfortable on her midsection.
"Brat," she said half-heartedly, feeling her eyelids droop with remnants of sleep. At the same time that Cosima brought her energy, she calmed her down. The feeling of Cosima's hand trailing along her spine was mesmerizing - When did she start moving her hand? "Hey, you didn't pretend to be asleep all morning," Delphine pointed out.
"True," Cosima smiled, "You should feel special. I don't really do that with most people".
"And what have I done to deserve the privilege?"
"I trust you," Cosima said somberly, "I don't feel like I need to, you know, pretend so I can see what you're really like when you think I'm not aware, I guess. It's kind of fucked up, I know. And creepy, too. I hope that didn't, like, weird you out or anything, but if it did that's, like, totally understandable, I get it. I'm just…like…this is an unconventional situation we're in or whatever and – I don't know – there's just a lot going on. For me, I mean…obviously I can't speak for you. That didn't make sense, shit. Shit, I'm rambling and going nowhere, I'm sorry, I should totally stop talking, it's just, like, I don't want you to think that I–"
Delphine covered Cosima's mouth with her hand, effectively halting the monologue. Her rambling is adora–endearing...platonically endearing. "I trust you, too, Cosima," Delphine felt the woman's smile form underneath her fingers. It was true. Delphine wouldn't let just anyone share a bed with her, especially a stranger. She didn't even realize it until Cosima said she trusted her. As a kid, not even friends were allowed in her bed for sleepovers, she liked it to be just for herself. They had become so close in such a short amount of time, though. She felt like she knew more about Cosima than she knew about her last two boyfriends combined. She trusted Cosima. She had a compelling urge to hold her when she said it.
They stayed in bed, partially wrapped around each other, for another ten minutes before reluctantly getting up. Updates on the weather had moved the nicest day of the week from Tuesday to Monday which sunk Delphine's heart. She wondered which of them would bring up Cosima's leaving first. She knew that she certainly didn't want to, but Cosima had engagements that she needed to tend to, a girlfriend she needed to surprise. An awful girlfriend. How could Cosima stay with her? Who could ever treat Cosima like anything less than precious? Delphine had already gone over these thoughts a million times since learning Cosima was involved with someone. It was pointless.
They decided to take the bus to get Cosima a new cellphone. Delphine remembered the multiple providers around University Ave W, and she knew that area very well – better than the area around her own residence. When she first moved to the United States, she wasn't sure whether she would qualify for a scholarship, so she spent a lot of time looking for jobs. Fortunately, she had done well enough during her undergrad to receive assistance and some grants.
Although it was much nicer outside, it was still raining and cold. Cosima borrowed a jacket and they shared the umbrella again as they walked. Since they were out, they stopped by small diner to have lunch before resuming their search. A break from the weather was also nice. It didn't take long for Cosima to recognize her regular provider, and they were out of the building with a new cellphone in less than fifteen minutes. It probably helped that Cosima chose a downgrade from her previous phone instead of a nicer one.
Just before they turned around to start back home, Delphine saw a man walk into a bakery about two blocks away. Of course, this wasn't just any bakery. It was Delphine's favorite in the city because of their croissants. The owners were from France, so their goods were as authentic as they could get using American ingredients. She didn't like being so stereotypical, but she couldn't help the matter. Delphine was sure they would be closed for the week since it's small, owned by a man and his wife, and they liked to find excuses for a vacation. She regretted never learning their names.
However, when she clearly saw a figure walk into the small structure, she grabbed Cosima's hand and practically ran down the sidewalk. She hadn't been there for so long and Cosima would surely enjoy their food. She felt Cosima grasp her hand for dear life as they sped across the slippery cement. Cosima never said anything, never asked where they were going, just snickered at Delphine's excitement. It had probably been months since she last stopped in; she missed the place.
When they finally arrived, the man was just exiting, and she recognized him as the shop owner. He didn't seem to notice the two women hand-in-hand coming to a stop a few meters away. He turned, locked the door from the outside, and left in the opposite direction, opening a large black umbrella.
Delphine watched the man leave for a moment before turning her attention to the door. The lights were out, and a sign taped to the front read: Closed thru Friday. Resume regular hours on Saturday.
She was disappointed, leaving the storefront to walk home, and dragging her feet most of the way. She told Cosima about their excellent croissants and Cosima teased her for her 'predicable French-ness'. It wasn't until they got to her apartment building, when she went to search for the key somewhere in her bag, that she let go of Cosima's hand. She didn't realize they hadn't let go until just then. It didn't seem to bother either of the women, but Delphine felt a vacant chill in her hand when they let go.
Neither of the two made any move in the direction of Cosima's departure, talking throughout the afternoon about nothing in particular. Cosima hadn't even turned her new phone on yet. It seemed like she was avoiding it. The number stayed the same and the man who had helped them said she'd only need to input contacts and personal items, people would still contact her through the same number. She said she never kept much on her phone anyway – justifying the downgrade – so it wouldn't be a problem.
When six o'clock came around, Cosima asked Delphine for her cell-phone number so they could keep in touch when she left. After copying it on a sticky note with the name reading 'French toast', Cosima stuffed it in her bag and sat awkwardly on the couch picking at her fingernails. "Thanks, uh, for letting me stay here. Super nice of you, especially considering I was a complete stranger," she nervously laughed, "and, like…becoming my friend. We're friends, right? I consider you my friend, but you don't have to agree or anything, like, no pressure to…be…my friend?"
Delphine laughed at Cosima's stuttering, endearing, "Of course, we're friends. At one point I remember thinking we were 'besties' for some reason," Delphine said with air-quotes.
"No, Delphine. That one was very much out loud," Cosima laughed, "Shouldn't you have excellent tolerance for alcohol? You were legitimately drunk last night. I figured you wouldn't have even remembered that".
"I really should, but I don't drink that much all at once," she explained, "Just a glass or two with dinner – not a bottle or two for dessert".
"I'll take you to a club sometime, have some hard liquor" Cosima stated, half-jokingly. "Hey, have you ever, you know…" Cosima took a fake drag of an invisible joint, gesturing for Delphine. When Delphine shook her head, she was met with an eye-roll from the American. "Don't worry, we'll fix that".
Delphine felt high already, she didn't need weed. She was elated that Cosima was making plans for them to spent time together in the future. It made her inevitable departure less daunting. "Someday," she agreed noncommittedly. Pot wasn't something Delphine was against, but it was still intimidating for her. Smoking with Cosima, though…
Delphine didn't want Cosima to feel obligated to stay (for whatever reason) and she didn't want to be the one keeping her from her plans. She got up and slid slippers on her feet to walk Cosima down to the door of the building. Cosima hesitated, but eventually followed suit, grabbing her bag on the way out the door that Delphine held open for her. Their walk downstairs was silent. Not their usual comfortable silence, but not awkward either. Delphine felt like a kid who just got in trouble and was sent to their room. The fun was over, and she would be alone again soon – something that was welcome before, but now, for the first time in her life, Delphine felt loneliness in her solitude.
The main entrance came too soon, both of them slowing down the closer they got to it. Delphine was panicking, suddenly. What if she never saw Cosima again? Cosima wanted to get together in the future, but what if she forgets all about Delphine? Yes, Cosima had her number, but she didn't have Cosima's. Before Cosima could reach the handle, Delphine caught her wrist gently, "Em…" Delphine wasn't prepared, she observed, "…text me?" She hated sounding so desperate, but she was.
Cosima smiled, making Delphine do the same, "Of course".
"Okay…and…and you have the directions on your phone now? You texted, uh, her?"
"Yes," she giggled at Delphine's obvious stalling and nervousness.
"Okay, good," Delphine looked at her for a moment before raising her hand to the side of Cosima's neck, holding her safely in place while she dipped her head down to Cosima's right cheek, then to her left. Normally she wouldn't have done anything with her hands – at most, maybe a hand on her shoulder – but she didn't want Cosima to run away. She also knew that her kisses were longer and placed much closer to her lips than she had done with anyone else, boyfriends included. She didn't know why, but 'boyfriend' felt like such a distant concept all of a sudden. Maybe because it had been a while.
When she finally pulled away, she felt Cosima let out a trembling breath and watched as she slowly opened her eyes to meet Delphine's. The closeness that Delphine's farewell initiated did not budge. Delphine had to look down slightly to hold Cosima's gaze. She noticed her heart beating nearly out of her chest, and took an awkward step back, dropping her hand from Cosima's neck. "Uh, au revoir, Cosima," she said like it was a question. She didn't want to say goodbye, she wanted Cosima to answer her hidden question with 'no I'm not going to leave you'.
"See you soon," Cosima said with a chipper smile. That made Delphine feel better. They will see each other again and it will be soon. She started stepping out the door with that mischievous smile, "I'm learning so much French shit from you. Here I was thinking you were just supposed to touch cheeks or whatever, but apparently…" After blowing a kiss, she was off, looking back once to wink at a scarlet Delphine.
Delphine stood in the door frame and watched Cosima walk down the sidewalk to the cab in the parking lot. Cosima was right – Delphine had actually kissed her cheeks – lips and all. She figured the American wouldn't know the difference, but it seemed Cosima was much smarter than the typical Americans she'd encountered. Or secretly French? Delphine didn't think much about it since Cosima didn't appear all that bothered.
She couldn't keep the enormous smile from gracing her lips. That is, until she closed the door to her apartment unit and was met with an eerie, hollow silence. A silence that used to feel like she was floating in tepid water, placid, now felt ice cold and stagnant.
What was she going to do?