NoTE: I follow the movie here quite closely from here on out. I just wanted to point that out, and say again that I don't own anything from SM. That's all her stuff. I just play with it a little bit.
Chapter Nineteen
"Leandra." I looked over at Carlisle as he spoke. "What is it?"
He could probably hear my nervousness. I didn't hide it well.
"I don't know." I mumbled. "I don't know what it is, and I don't like not knowing."
The same answer I always gave.
"Something's wrong." I added almost silently. "It's getting colder." Though the room was perfectly warm, I couldn't hide my responding shiver, hugging my stomach. I wasn't even trying to play it down anymore. I was done with that.
I didn't miss the glance between Alice beside me and Jasper across the room in the chair. It was only the four of us in the room tonight, not that I'd noticed. I sat on the window sill, my eyes out the window. Drawn up in a way I hadn't done in awhile. It was no surprise when Carlisle noticed.
I looked back out the window in an effort to ignore the glances passed. The rain poured today, making early evening seem colder than I was used to. I worried about myself sometimes too.
I felt like I was losing my mind over this. It was part of what Edward was so worried about. I was bitter, and underneath the weight of my own thoughts, I had to wonder. I had to worry. My family was more than aware of it, I was sure. Edward didn't even have to say anything, which bothered me.
They knew already. That part. They had no idea about the rest, which was also what worried Edward.
I'd been quiet around them before. That wasn't new. I'd been distant before. Not new, either, but it was never anything like I'd become lately. I felt the difference. It was like my entire mind was focused on my past and trying desperately not to be a failure.
"My head hurts today." I informed them quietly, not bothering to look over.
"That could just be because you've been awake nearly twenty-eight hours." Alice murmured in reply.
"Crying for nearly half of it." Jasper added, but not in a condescending way. A concerned way. I gave a half-hearted shrug, and I listened to Alice stand.
I wasn't surprised when she approached my side. She sat on the sill beside my feet, reaching over to take my hands in both of hers. Taking my attention as well. I looked at her. She paused to read my expression, and I wasn't sure what she saw, but she smiled sadly.
She and I both knew even through a distraction, my mind would be here. It'd been that way for weeks. They could try to distract me all they wanted to, but underneath functioning on a very basic level, my mind wasn't there.
It was on what a failure I was. It was on my nightmares that played constantly alongside that feeling of failure. It was dreading the looks, denying the need to sleep. It was part of me begging desperately to be helped, but silencing it with the knowledge that I couldn't be helped. In came the constant self-hatred. Gut-wrenching shame and fiery self-hatred, sealing in those very dark words etched in my memory. The hisses in the dark.
On top of that, the pressure and immediate need to get whatever was in that blackness forward. My mind was on all those things at once, and I didn't know what the hell was happening anymore. It was on all those things, while somehow, I functioned out here. What kind of expression would that make on my face? What would she be seeing?
"Get out of there." She stressed quietly. Nearly a whisper, her smile colored with more sadness as she squeezed my hands.
"I really wish I could." I admitted. She hesitated a second, and I blinked a little as she reached up and pressed her fingers against my forehead. She didn't even have to say anything. She didn't even need her expression to say what she wasn't saying. The fact that she looked directly at Carlisle at all just confirmed what I felt.
"Here we go again." I muttered, looking back out the window. I was quickly learning to recognize the pattern. Maybe this time, I'd be lucky and I wouldn't live through it.
"Okay." The fact that Edward came striding into the room did surprise me. He was soaked from head to toe in the downpour outside, but that didn't matter that much. It was expression that made me nervous. He looked right at me.
"I gave you a chance." He was nearly pleading, which confused me. "I'm at a loss, and officially begging for mercy." This really wasn't easy on him. He clearly hated even considering this, betraying the privacy of my mind. At the same time, I understood. My mind wasn't the easiest place to be 24/7.
Yeah, he had his house to go to, but he knew the whole time he was gone that my thoughts weren't changing. Every time he'd come back, it was the same. I just didn't understand why he felt obligated to even bother. I was broken, that had been established a long time ago. What did he hope to change by doing this?
"I've never seen this." Edward sighed, turning to Carlisle. Carlisle slowly stood up. "Something needs to be done because she just doesn't have the room anymore."
"What do you mean?" Alice asked instead.
Edward looked pointedly at me, but instead of getting mad or defensive, I nodded once and looked down. He won. He'd know how to word it better than I ever could.
"She's under way too much mental strain." He replied immediately. "It's through the roof. Between the constant torturous thoughts about what that animal did to her, and the astounding pressure on herself, she's terrified of sleeping. Because she doesn't sleep, she gets no rest."
His tone was no longer just begging, but it fluctuated. Fading smoothly between terrified, heartbroken, and angry.
"What options are you considering?" Carlisle asked calmly.
"Shut it all down for a few hours." Emmett walked in, surprising me as well. Even he was in on it. Rosalie right at his hip.
"In what way?" Alice seemed surprised, which told me she hadn't been aware of that plan. That in itself should have been a surprise, but I suppose not.
"Only medication." Edward told her, looking back at us. "Sedation."
I immediately shook my head. I knew what that word meant, and I'd never willingly allow that. Not with the path my mind was stuck on. Sedating me would only trap me in there. Edward knew this. He wasn't asking for my permission, and I knew that.
I shook my head again, firmer this time and closed my eyes. I wouldn't accept that. There was no way. That had been a solution before, but that was before. Things had gone a lot farther downhill now than they had been before.
"Leandra, you're right there on that edge." Edward's gaze shifted to me. "I know you see it too. Human minds can only handle so much. They can break."
"Give her some credit." Alice defended me. "She's gotten this far. She wouldn't be developing this gift if she wasn't ready to."
"I have to disagree here." Edward replied firmly. "She's not ready."
"So your solution is to sedate her?" Alice asked.
"I can see why you would have an issue with that." He sighed, calming himself. "I really understand, but in this case, it's the only thing I can suggest."
"Final straw." Emmett seemed to be on Edward's side. I looked at him as he looked at me. "Sorry, shorty. Yesterday, I called your name three times before you heard it. Something is off in there, and if sleeping helps whatever it is come loose, then yeah. Sorry, shorty."
"No you're not." I accused under my breath. I never thought in a million years this would be the solution they voted on.
"If you had shown a single shred of intent to reach out, I wouldn't be forced-"
"I won't do it." I cut him off quietly.
"While you're sleeping, I won't say a word about everything else. That's for you to do." He assured me, but I shook my head.
"I won't do it." I snapped, finally starting to thaw out. "If you'd been paying attention, you'd know that this is the wrong way to go."
"I have been paying attention." He replied firmly. "I've seen exactly why you're so against this, and I've never been angrier, but this is the only solution I can come up with. You refuse to talk, you refuse to face it. You refuse my help, you resist Jasper's help, you're tearing yourself up and you're not doing a damn thing to stop it." Alice looked at me.
"Someone should." I growled. He didn't need to ask what I meant by that. He watched me, and I watched him. A tense stand-off that nobody would win. There were no winning sides. Even if I won, I lost. If he won, he lost. This wasn't a solution. It was a last resort, reached by his desperation at my lack of resilience.
"I don't do this lightly." He agreed quietly. "But I refuse to sit back and watch you self destruct."
"Go ahead, then. Tell them everything in my head if it makes you feel better, but you can take your sedation and shove it. I'll starve and I'll go thirsty before I let that happen."
Carlisle sighed, and I knew he knew what he'd just done.
"You know what can happen." Alice told him. "What happens if that vision is lost forever?"
"Good." Edward replied. "I'm really hoping that's what happens. You don't understand, Alice. She doesn't have the room. If it's really worth knowing, you'll get the vision. You can handle it. She can't."
"I won't do it." I'd lost my chance to figure out how to see that vision. Alice was saying there was a chance that sleeping that way could erase it. I didn't want that.
I didn't sit around and wait for them to try to convince me. I stood up and strode away. Up the hall, and straight into my room. Closing and locking the door behind me.
I crawled up onto my bed, grabbing my pillow. Hugging it to me as I curled upright. I didn't know how they expected to get me to go along with it, but Edward was out there convincing them that it was the best way. I might not have blamed him, but I resented him for this suggestion.
I knew they'd never physically force me, despite how easy it would be. Their only options would be to either convince me, or trick me. I wasn't going to let them trick me, and I'd never be convinced, so here we were.
Unsurprisingly, a knock came to the door half an hour later. I didn't answer.
"Leandra?" It was Carlisle.
"Go away." I grumbled. I closed my eyes. "I'm so tired of this."
"Can we talk?" He asked, and I sighed. I already knew where this conversation was going to go.
"I don't wanna fight with you." I sighed, burying my face in my pillow.
Unsurprisingly, he walked in anyway. I didn't look up as I felt the side of my bed dip a little.
"Edward is only concerned." He told me gently.
"I don't care." I snapped. I was unable to hide my heavy tears anymore, so I looked up. "I told you before I can't do it again." I paused to breathe through angry sobs. "I don't care if he's concerned. It's not his job to-"
"Calm down." He instructed me gently, and I took another moment to breathe. It wasn't hard for him to see how angry I was, but his calm expression helped.
He waited with me for a minute while I managed to get a hold of myself. He waited until I fell silent before he spoke again.
"No one is going to trick you into something like that." He murmured calmly. "You know this."
"I won't do it." I shook my head.
"Then I need you to start talking to me." He replied, and I looked up. "This cycle needs to stop, and to do that, I need you to help me help you. I need to know what it was that concerned Edward so deeply."
"You don't know what you're asking." I warned, but it wasn't straight refusal.
"I think by now you know that that's not true." He countered simply. "You're a very bright girl. I know you know that this hasn't been working."
I looked down. He was right, of course.
"I don't know what else to do." I admitted, and I easily sensed that that helped.
"Burying it only ensures it stays right where it is." He explained gently. "If you want true progress, then you need to give counselling a real try." I cringed, but he caught that. "A real chance."
"I don't want some stranger knowing everything."
"I think that's exactly what you need." He replied, and I frowned a little. "I know it may take awhile, but a passive third party can guide you in the right direction. As unnecessary as it is, your greatest worry is judgement by us, is it not?" I hesitated, but I nodded a little. "Talking to someone without that personal tie to you is the best option for you."
I hadn't thought about that. I'd never given it much thought at all, aside from refusing to cooperate. That was the reason they stopped making me go in the first place. I wasn't ready.
"It won't be everything at once, if you're feeling overwhelmed." He went on. "One step at a time, and if you're uncomfortable discussing something, you're not required to."
"But I don't even know how to tell you." I argued. "How am I supposed to talk to someone I don't even know?"
"They have ways to direct the conversation if you get stuck." He answered. "And your comfort will be top priority."
"I don't know." I sighed, hugging my pillow tighter. I really wasn't sure I could do it. I heard the sadness in his sigh. I felt him watching me. I felt low.
My whole life had been about just staying alive. Enduring what I'd had to endure.
I'd never once given thought to what was supposed to come after. I always felt like there were no steps forward. Like I'd just come to the end of the path, and that this was where I was supposed to live the rest of my life.
It only added onto what Emmett was trying to say awhile ago. The path ahead that I couldn't even see. I felt like I'd come to a point where there was no way forward. A whole new direction to my life was only waiting for me to accept it, and here I was. Too scared to let go of what I'd always known. Risking what I knew for what? A chance at a normal life?
"I can't." I finally mumbled, my voice tiny, glancing up. "I'm not strong enough."
"Don't say that." He stressed. "Leandra, you're far stronger than you think. I understand how this must feel. You understand what this choice will mean, and I won't lie. It's a very big commitment, but wouldn't it be nice to take back just a little bit of control?"
I closed my eyes. "I just want it to go away. I don't need control. I just want to stop hearing Jack's voice every time I go to sleep."
"This will help you do that." He pointed out. "I firmly believe that you're ready."
I didn't. He could see that, given the way I didn't open my eyes.
"Just consider it." He urged. "That's all I'm asking right now." Hesitantly, I nodded a little. It wasn't too much to ask.
With a breath, I finally opened my eyes to glance up at him. Sitting straighter, I sniffled.
"I have a brother." I mumbled, and he waited quietly. Probably for an explanation. "My mom had him when she was sixteen." He was the first person I told, but he didn't seem surprised. It wasn't hard for me to notice that. "You knew?"
He gave a nod. "I wasn't completely sure how to tell you."
"When you went there before." I understood. I'd forgotten about that. "My dad told , I mean, I kind of made him tell me. I got the feeling he was hiding something, but I wasn't expecting that."
"If you wanted to meet him-"
"I don't. I mean.." I sighed, shaking my head. "I don't know. Plus he said it was a closed adoption. Whatever that means."
"It means the biological parents are completely out of it." He explained gently. "The child is free to search once they come of age, but until then, it wouldn't be listed anywhere. Your adoption was open. Meaning, both of your biological parents are free to have contact with you." I smiled a little, appreciating the reminder, but that faded quickly.
"I don't mean to have those kinds of thoughts." I mumbled. "I don't think it's very fair Edward gets to push it."
"He can't help it." He reminded me. "It's involuntary."
"I know. I just.. Hate it. I hate hurting him with the things in my head, but I can't control it either. It's not my fault he sees everything."
"He isn't trying to punish you." He frowned a little.
"That's what it feels like." I admitted, squeezing my pillow. "And I hate it."
"He's only worried about you." He replied. "I can't honestly say that I blame him."
I looked up, and unfortunately I winced. The light coming in my window seemed to reflect weird for a split second, and my head immediately reacted with stabbing pain. I instantly had to close my eyes.
I couldn't really say what happened next, because it was the weirdest thing. I was aware that my name was being called, but I was stuck. It was like I was half sleeping, half awake, but with so much going on I had no clue where to go.
And just as suddenly as it had come over me, I was back in place. When I looked back up, I could see only a few moments had actually passed. Carlisle was, of course, concerned by my brief moment spent lacking response. Not only that, but the state I was suddenly in.
Trembling like I'd just woken up from a nightmare. It was just the same, as did the breath stealing tears I choked on. Gasping for breath around the fear in my throat, my heart running a million miles a minute, and the huge migraine that made my head spin, I looked up into Carlisle's worried eyes.
He hadn't moved from where he'd been seated for several minutes, but it was weird that I was surprised that he was here. My reaction was new.
I shoved myself out of bed, stepping around him without a word. I stepped passed those in the doorway, heading straight into the living room. I nearly reached the door before I stopped and turned around. I paced quickly back and forth in front of the fireplace, trying so hard to make sense of the dream of the blackness I'd just had. There were pieces to it now, things I'd seen that I suddenly could remember.
"Leandra?" Esme was worried. "Honey, sit down. Say something."
I ignored her as if she hadn't even spoken. I didn't hear her. A permanent frown on my face, I couldn't figure it out. I clung to the images I'd gotten from the vision for all that I was worth. There just wasn't enough to make sense of, but unlike so many times before, there was at least something.
"Leandra." Carlisle was the only one who was able to get through to me. "Say something."
"I don't know what it means." I finally admitted shakily. "There's not enough there."
"You saw?" Alice asked from beside the couch. "What did you see?"
"I don't know." I replied, the normal answer. "But there's something there. Uhm.." I frowned, closing my eyes and shaking my head. "What I saw.. I-It was bright. Really bright, and it hurt my eyes. I don't know why it was so bright." I paused, opening my eyes, looking down at the carpet now. "But.." I didn't know how to describe it. "We were there. Like we were waiting."
"Waiting?" Jasper asked, frowning.
"Yeah." I replied. "Expecting s-something, but.. Not you."
"Not me?" He asked, even more confused. "Not me, or not us? Leandra, are you waiting by yourself?"
"Not you." I muttered. "I'm not by myself." Then I added something that I hadn't meant to say, or even realized I wanted to say it. "Not yet."
I scared myself with those two words, realizing how true they were. More was going to happen than I could see right then, but how much? My breath choked off, and I was panicking yet again, falling to sit on the couch. I didn't miss the looks between them, my trembling worsening by the time Carlisle sat beside me. Gaining my attention again.
"I don't know how else to describe it." I muttered, looking to him and still trying to catch my breath. "I don't know.."
"What else can you tell us?" Carlisle asked quietly and I looked to him again.
"That's it." I muttered. "There's more, but that's it. It's big. There's just.. S-So much there, I can't.. I can't really.." I sighed, shaking my head finally. I finally started to cry again, shaking so unbelievably hard. He pulled me into a hug, and I accepted it gratefully. "I'm sorry I can't remember more."
"It's not your fault, Leandra." He told me. "Just breathe."
I stood up suddenly, continuing to pace. I was edgy, panicked. Sitting still wasn't helping. Pacing wasn't helping either, but it was the best option I had. Something to do to keep from tearing my hair out.
They accepted that. Letting me try to walk this off.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make sense of the brightness, or the expectation. It obviously meant something was coming, but I hadn't the slightest clue what it was.
Yes I did.
Another part of the vision decided then that I should remember it. I had to fight to achieve it, but it was there. My mind was so mixed up, lost in itself. It seemed like there was too much room in there, and there was just so much there. Filling up every inch of spare space. Like a room stacked from ceiling to floor with stuff. Everything just shoved in there, thrown together in an unrecognizable heap.
"It's a person." I said. "It's not something. It's someone. I don't know what.. I don't know who they are, and I never see their face, but.." The more I walked, the more came to me. "We're waiting. Not me, not you, but..Something goes wrong. Something happens. That's the part that I can't see, but I know. I know it's.." I had to keep stopping. I didn't know how to explain it. The part that I couldn't see was hurting me the most. I continued to tremble. Telling them more didn't ease me like I thought it would. It only got me more worked up.
I wasn't calming down. I was just getting started. My emotions no longer felt like my own, and I knew I was feeling the left over emotions from the vision. I couldn't change that, and I couldn't just not feel anymore. As impossible as it sounded, I only got more worked up as I paced.
Jasper's eyes followed me closely, staying on me nervously. Now and then, he muttered something to Carlisle, who would look at me as well. I barely noticed that. At one point, Esme stood, and left the room.
Even through all this, I kept notes. I felt all this emotion, but other than pacing, I fought to keep calm. I was glad to vaguely notice Jasper keeping tabs on me. He would probably remember these emotions better than I could.
To know he felt my panic and my fear, the way I tensed and locked up. I turned to look right at Edward as he slowly stood up. I saw myself, but I didn't look like myself. What was different?
I silently begged him to help me make some sense of what was in my head because I wasn't getting any new puzzle pieces. The earlier argument nowhere near my head. I needed his help. What was I supposed to say?
"There isn't enough to go on." He finally told them, much to their disappointment. "The brightness could be anything, Leandra. All it tells us is that whatever happens, happens during the day."
"Can you tell where I am?" I asked. I was just trying to offer more ways to uncover details that I couldn't. I thought about the scene again. Waiting, impatiently, somewhere, but where?
He sighed, shaking his head. I sighed as well in disappointment.
"Well, wherever you are, I can safely say that it's nowhere good." Jasper added quietly. Thankfully, he chose that moment to help me out. I glanced over at Carlisle, as he'd followed me out. It was only a brief glance, as I needed to keep focused.
"No kidding." I whimpered, sitting down. "My luck, I'm in the middle of freaking nowhere, freaking out, all alone. That doesn't tell me anything!" I was a bit frustrated, even with Jasper's help.
"But you're not alone." Edward pointed out, and I paused for another calming breath. Thinking about what I could remember about the scene, and I realized he was right. It was a subtle feeling, but it was its own emotion. The knowledge that someone was there with me. I was waiting, but for what?
"This is pissing me off." I replied, looking over at him. "But I don't even know if I'm mad now, or if I'm mad then."
"That has to suck." Emmett frowned.
"It definitely sucks." I confirmed with a frown. I looked over at Jasper. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." Was his reply, but I heard the tension in his voice. I took the opportunity to rub my tired eyes. This lack of sleep was kicking my ass, and something had to give again.
The most frustrating part was the fact that that little bit was all I got for the next few weeks. Life went on normally, and I even got to spend some time with my friends, but I never once brought up what I knew about my mom. For one, I wasn't even sure if I should. Two, I didn't have the room.
I didn't have the room to focus on it. It was very low on my list of priorities. The longer I waited, it was easier to see how little something like that mattered. Two years ago, I might have been more tempted to get answers. Now, I had my family.
Seeing my mom since finding out didn't change anything either, which surprised me. It was easy to remember that it was in the past. The only difference was that now, I knew about it. She was doing well. Even I had to admit that. She had a steady job, her own apartment, but I wondered how long that would stick. She seemed to be taking her time in regards to Richard. I liked that.
Josh and Zack were their normal selves, despite nearly losing their home, which was a good thing. It was exactly what I was looking for. I just didn't know how to tell them that they didn't need to worry about Ken anymore. Mikah had taken him out.
December started a little chilly, but otherwise mild. I was still stuck in my head a lot, but I was more focused on how different this year was compared to the previous December. I felt very grateful to be where I was now, instead of out wandering, lost.
Despite the fact that I still hated Christmas, and I knew it was coming. That in itself had a downward effect on my mood, but I had help.
Jasper had been a huge help when it came to handling my emotions lately. It was almost like he was taking inventory. Every little change in how I felt, he noted.
With Renesmee getting older, I wasn't positive that Edward had still been in my head as much, but I wouldn't have been surprised if he had. Ness talked more often now instead of choosing to use her gift, but it wasn't an unpleasant distraction. She seemed to be extra curious about me. She was still very little, but very clear about what she was interested in knowing.
Today, though, I wasn't doing that well, and that made her curious. The room was very crowded today, but quite silent. It was like they didn't like leaving me alone when I was like this. I wasn't quite sure why, but I didn't mind the silent company.
I was seated in my usual spot by the window when Ness came walking over. I didn't like the look of confused worry on her small face. It made me feel ashamed of myself. I glanced over to Bella arriving across the room, equally concerned, but at least she offered a small smile.
I sighed and attempted to get up, but a little hand grabbing onto my wrist surprised me.
"Wait." Renesmee mumbled, and I did. I waited, watching as she gestured with her free hand that I bend down a little. I did. The moment her hand touched my cheek, she gave me her thoughts. I knew what she wanted to do, so it didn't take me quite as off guard this time.
She showed me her point of view. I should have recognized it then, but I hadn't. I should have recognized the confusion, and how she wondered just what it was she'd done wrong. She worried that she was responsible for the way I worried now, and it bothered me.
Ness wasn't stupid, but I sure had been. I'd expected her not to notice, to be oblivious to the concerns of the family and by acting the way I had been, she believed it was about her.
Once it ended, by her pulling her hand away, it took me a few seconds to get my own thoughts back. My mind had been cleared the moment she used her gift on me, and that brief moment of just nothing there right afterwards was such a relief. Until it all came back, anyway.
"Thank you." I told her, and she smiled.
"You're welcome." She replied quietly, her smile still in place. After awhile of me sitting there with her studying me, her smile faded a little, and her eyes grew worried again. I was still bent over a little, so she placed her hand against my cheek again.
As I predicted, it showed worry again, more focused on me. I saw myself now, how I looked to her. My skin was much paler than I was used to seeing on myself. My eyes less bright, less of the clear green I had gotten used to. She wanted to know how sick I was, and what would make me look this bad. She pulled her hand from my cheek, still frowning.
"Don't worry." I replied out loud. "I'll figure it out. It's not your fault, though, okay?"
"You look so sad." Her pointing it out like that nearly broke my heart all over again.
"I am." I admitted, not really up to lying to her. She was a lot more observant than I thought.
"Why?"
That, I wasn't sure how to answer. How was I supposed to answer that? How was I supposed to tell her that my own mind was against me, and it was a fight just to keep breathing every day?
"She has a lot on her mind." Thankfully, Edward spoke up. I hadn't seen him walk in, but I wasn't surprised to see him with Bella here too. I looked over, grateful for his input. "She'll be okay."
I nodded in agreement, and she seemed to believe it.
"Come on." Bella called to her. "Let's go find Jacob." That seemed to do it. She immediately grinned, and bounded over to her. Edward patted her head lightly on her way by, and I couldn't help smiling a little at the gesture. Seeing how easily Edward treated her was always nice to see.
I watched them leave, glancing over at Esme and her sad smile. I wanted to try to give her one in return, but it wouldn't happen. I moved to sit back as I thought. How great must it be to not have to find the words to describe something to someone else? That gift would have really come in handy before, and even more so now. How easy it would be to just show someone what I meant to say, or show someone what I saw.
Although, maybe it was best someone like me wouldn't have that ability. I doubted anyone else would be able to live with knowing the things I knew or seeing the things I'd experienced. I shuddered at the thought.
"I'm sorry." Edward spoke again, and I looked over to find that he was talking to me. I didn't get it at first.
"It's okay." I replied. "She notices a lot." That wasn't his fault.
"Not about that." He said. "Well. That too, I suppose. I'm sorry for pressuring you."
I didn't reply at first. Leaning back. I didn't want to really talk about it, because I knew he was. I knew full well he hated doing that. How was I supposed to reply to that, though? It's okay? It really wasn't that okay. His pressure only increased the pressure I put on myself. More pressure really wasn't that easy to deal with.
"From the moment I met you," He went on. "I've heard those thoughts through your head. Every bit of it I've been close enough to hear." I knew what he was getting at.
"I know." I grumbled. "But you talking to me like I'm too stupid to make my own choices doesn't help me like myself very much, Edward."
"I never meant to come across like that."
"I know that too." I replied, less bitterly. "You don't mean to. I know you just wanna help, but you tell me. How am I supposed to make any kind of sense of these thoughts? I could tell them whatever you wanted me to if you could just help me figure out how."
"I was hoping you wouldn't need my help." He admitted. "It doesn't mean much if I'm the one that tells them."
"Is it really that bad, shorty?" Emmett asked, probably just now catching on.
"Please, just stop." I sighed, turning my gaze back out the window. I was too tired to keep that up. I knew they could see it in my posture, and I knew they could definitely hear it in my voice. I was tired.
I hated fighting with them, but I wouldn't budge.
The room had fallen silent behind me, so I sighed again, this time trying to let go of my tension. Only a moment passed before I jumped a little at the sudden sound of the piano playing. I immediately recognized the song, though, and I couldn't help smiling a little at the reminder of easier times. It was the song Edward had written for me, but there were slight differences. It was more complicated now.
I glanced across the room at him, mostly as a way to acknowledge that I was paying attention. I wasn't surprised that I still felt like I did when I first heard it. That even without words, the notes spoke to me. I still loved it.
I also appreciated the fact that he played, because he knew as well as I did that I wouldn't need to talk while he was playing. He was basically telling me without telling me that he was going to back off. At least for now.
After a few rounds of it, though, I had to stand up. I was intending to go to my room to lay down because my head was hurting me too bad to stay put, but I lost my balance instead.
At least that's what it felt like to me. I was suddenly kneeling on the floor of the now silent room, Carlisle kneeling in front of me, trying to get my attention. He didn't seem that worried, but it was taking me a minute to catch up.
"Nothing." Edward sighed, which told me what must have just happened. I tried to focus on anything to ground myself again, and even through my blinding headache, I noticed how badly I trembled. My hand was held tight in Carlisle's, but I could tell I was holding on tighter than he was.
When I could remember how, I attempted to sit in a more comfortable way, which seemed to be acceptable. I brought my other hand up, pressing my palm against my forehead and taking a deep breath.
They didn't even need to ask. I didn't remember a damn thing. Nothing more than what I already remembered.
"Are you okay, shorty?" Emmett needed more of a confirmation. Silently, I nodded. I'd felt this way before, so I knew I'd be okay. It just sucked until then.
"Would you like to lay down, honey?" Esme asked, and I nodded again. I really liked how I didn't even need to talk about it anymore. Carlisle carefully stood and helped me to my feet.
As Esme helped me head toward my room, I looked over, confused as Bella came walking in with Ness beside her. I thought they'd be out for the afternoon, but she didn't seem up to chatting much. So I continued on.
I deeply appreciated the darkness of my bedroom once again, and once the door was closed, complete silence.
It didn't take me long to fall asleep. Curled up on my right side, cuddling the blanket tight under my chin. I knew what would happen the moment I really fell asleep, but I needed some kind of rest so badly, if only to stop the ache. I couldn't help but eagerly reach for sleep.
Thankfully, my mind seemed to be willing to cooperate. At least for a few hours, I was allowed to sleep. When I did start to dream, for once it wasn't bad. This one was more of a compilation of everything I'd talked about, or thought about, at some point during the last couple of months. The non-horrible stuff. The stuff that usually took last place to the nightmares or the blackness of the vision I'd been trying to have.
I dreamed about my old house. The trailer in Sappho, but I was there alone. I was there alone, but I wasn't scared.
It was a weird dream, but it wasn't a bad one. There was a lot of my three friends in there, and a whole lot of my family. A lot of my dad, and his family. Not a glimpse of Ken, or Jack, or anything about the blackness. Just everything else. It had built up, and seeing it now truly made me start to realize how lucky I was, because there was way more good stuff in this dream than the selected scenes my nightmares would show me.
I woke up, though, feeling lonely. I woke up alone, feeling a little warm from too much deep sleep, but my fever wasn't back. Bringing the blanket back, I noticed it was just passed four in the morning.
Each step I took to the door, I felt less lonely. My bare feet only squishing the carpet a little, carrying me closer to where I wanted to be. I knew why I felt less lonely. I was sad, but I knew the moment I opened the door, I could see those I loved most.
I stepped up the hall, pausing in the living room doorway, and waiting. Emmett looked my way from his spot on the couch, Carlisle on the other end doing so as well.
"Are you alright?" Carlisle asked worriedly, and I nodded a little. I was okay. Just lonely. Emmett studied me a little, before sighing and chuckling quietly. He knew what it was I'd come out there for.
"Alright, shorty." He said, patting the empty middle cushion on the couch and I smiled softly, letting myself move closer. Carlisle was relieved now, smiling with a slight shake of his head. I sat on the cushion closest to Emmett for now, and he threw his arm around me briefly, pulling me over until he could kiss the top of my head.
He'd never done that before, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it now. It was that casual feeling that comforted me. Despite how I'd been acting, how hard I'd been withdrawing, he still cared about me.
Sleeping on the couch wasn't a requirement. I didn't have to do it. Not like before, but it was different now. I was different. I knew I couldn't do this for very much longer, so I wanted the comfort for as long as I could grab it. I just wanted to be around them.
I caught myself in a yawn as I laid down, curled into a ball on the middle cushion of the couch. This time, my head was closest to Carlisle. Usually it was my feet in his direction, but this was easiest for me. I reached for the throw blanket folded on the back of the couch, but Emmett dropped it on my face first.
Knowing they were still willing to let me do this made me feel better. Just knowing I could still do this, until I outgrew it, was enough for me.
I actually did manage to fall asleep again, and though my head still ached horribly, I stayed right where I was for several long minutes when I woke up the following morning.
I was so used to my headache being fairly easy to get rid of. Usually just some sleep was all I needed, but the fact that this one held on for awhile bothered me. I stayed on the couch the whole time, watching my family now instead of out the window. I wasn't sure what changed, but I wanted to see them. More than anything else.
I hardly left the safety of that throw blanket for two solid days, and the longer this headache held on, the tighter I held onto it. Head to toe, wrapped. It was mentioned, but I didn't really have an answer.
Today was slow. Edward sat at his piano again today, with Ness beside him. The room was very occupied, but quiet. Everyone was here, which was a good thing. It made me feel a little better to know that Bella was getting more comfortable with me around.
I was still feeling cold, even inside my blanket burrito. I shivered, but I still watched. The TV stayed off, which was nice, and I snoozed. When I was awake, I didn't feel like moving. I felt oddly insecure.
Jasper sat near me, which I appreciated because it meant I got to stay lazy. I had a break. A particularly rough shiver chose that second to roll through me, and I gained Jasper's glance.
Before I could even think to explain, I jumped to bolting upright, letting out a yelp at the sudden, sharp sound of glass shattering in the hallway. Scrambling to kneel up on the couch, I looked over, spotting Alice, and the vase she'd dropped at her feet near the hall. Pure fear on her face as she managed to glance right at me at the same split second, and my own nervousness reignited.
Jasper stood from where he sat in the adjacent chair, and sped over to her. Landing at her side immediately. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, petrified to the couch. Scared to death, knowing she saw something that would make my sightless vision piece together.
Even before she took a breath and spoke.
"The Volturi."
I immediately remembered everything they'd ever told me about them.
She said they were coming for us.
She named off three names, but I was stuck on the first one. Aro. I stopped listening for a solid minute after that one. My mind working so quickly so suddenly made me a little dizzy.
I looked down, searching my own mind for a hint of what she could have seen, but her figuring it out didn't help me figure it out. I was still blind, but given the expression on her face when I looked back up, I was tempted to wish I stayed blind.
The way she looked at me this time confirmed my worries. She wasn't just worried. She was scared, and hidden in her eyes just under that fear, was a sadness. I read it loud and clear, and that only scared me more.
All at once, it seemed to hit me. I understood what she was saying, and I understood that this was a very bad thing. In near panic, I looked over at Carlisle. He was usually the first person I looked to when I felt uncertain, but this time, the sight of his expression didn't comfort me. Especially when he looked at me, and part of his expression fell. As if just by looking at me, he was reminded.
"Well.." Emmett broke the following silence. "I guess now we know." He looked at me as well, and I hesitantly attempted to unwrap and stand up. I tried not to notice how it felt like the floor would drop out from under me.
"What is an immortal child?" Bella asked, and I looked over at Carlisle. Apparently, that was a thing? Was there a difference?
He didn't answer right away, giving me time to worry even more.
"I think we should discuss this somewhere else." He finally replied quietly, and I whined. Sitting back down. That definitely wasn't good.
"Shouldn't she know, too?" Emmett asked, suddenly at my side.
I shook my head. "I feel sick." I wasn't sure I wanted to.
"Deep breaths, shorty." Emmett sighed, but his voice was tense.
"Carlisle." Alice spoke up again, gaining the entire room's attention. "Leandra." She didn't say anything else, even as I looked over at him again. I half wondered if I was as pale as I felt, but that didn't matter much, as he spoke.
"I know." He replied. I didn't like the way his tone had changed. I felt so lost, and I didn't even know what was going to happen. I shivered, hugging my turning stomach. Searching my mind.
"What about her?" Jacob asked in the following silence.
Without a reply, Carlisle turned and left the room.
"Carlisle." Alice called after him again, but Esme was already following him. Edward next, which prompted everyone else to follow as well. I stayed. Rosalie stayed behind, hugging Ness into her side with a sigh. Though I watched after them, I didn't move to follow. I numbly reached for my blanket, the one that'd been discarded before.
"He refuses to let anything happen to you." Rosalie spoke, but it was a pretty steep slide into numbness for me. I didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling right then, but I knew I should have felt something.
"I'm not afraid." I finally managed to reply. "Not for me."
"I see that." She nodded a little. "Well, since you brought it up weeks ago, we've been pretty much anticipating a visit from Aro. That was the most reasonable expectation."
Okay?
"Listen." She sighed, and I glanced over as she actually sat next to me. Slowly, stiffly, but she sat next to me. "The fact that you've been working yourself to death trying to help us hasn't been lost on me. Much less anyone else."
"It didn't do much." I mumbled. "It's still gonna happen. Whatever it is." I still felt like I couldn't breathe, but emotionally, I was blank. Jasper had never had such a solid hold of my emotions before. "I wish I could feel something."
"It's better this way." She countered.
"Please tell me." I looked over at her. "What does this mean?
"I can't say." She watched Ness as she returned to the piano. "I only know that being on Aro's bad side is basically a death sentence." I closed my eyes.
I knew that I'd have been panicking at that statement had Jasper not been paying so close attention, because just the thought wanted to bring tears to my eyes, but as he was, I just looked down.
"And there's no way off his bad side?" I asked, looking back over.
"There will be more detailed arrangements made for you." She replied, which answered my questions. "And Ness, no doubt, but as for us.."
"There's gotta be some way." I muttered. "He.. They can't just do that."
"Adorable." She murmured, her tone quiet. She sighed. "Just.. Whatever arrangements are made for you, you need to promise-"
"I'm not going anywhere." I grumbled this time, as outraged as I could be. "You said yourself. I'm part of the family, right?"
"Do you have any idea what would be in store for you if Aro got a hold of you?" She asked, but she wasn't trying to be mean. "The second he took Irina's hand, he knew all she knew about you." I hadn't forgotten about that part.
"I don't care." I replied.
"I do." She countered.
"So what if he knows about me now?" I asked. "He probably knew about me before."
"If she's convinced Ness is an immortal child, the fact that you're part of the family too complicates things." She said. "It's not a game. We didn't fight for you just to hand you over to him. Whatever Carlisle and Esme tell you to do, you do."
"I'm not getting sent away." I argued. "I don't care where." I knew it was no use, though. I was resigned.
"They're discussing options." She sighed after a moment of silence. I actually appreciated the report, but I had to ask.
"Where am I going?" I had a feeling I knew, but I wondered anyway.
"That won't be decided out loud." She replied. "If Carlisle is going to hide you, it would probably be best to keep all of us from knowing."
I frowned, but it didn't take me long to understand.
"So he'll only be the one that knows where I am." I guessed, and she nodded. I nodded as well.
I didn't bother replying, looking away again. A minute, maybe two later, I heard them coming back. I looked over sadly, watching as Carlisle led the way.
He sighed, and looked right at me.
"I need your word that from this point on, you'll do everything you're told."
"Okay." I said quietly.
"Promise me." He said firmly. "I need to know that no matter what, no matter what request it is, no questions asked, you'll do as you are told to do." It clearly meant a lot to him. No questions asked.
"Okay." I repeated. "I promise." I hesitated. "Can I know where I'm going?"
"For now, it will be too dangerous to keep you here." He eventually explained. "You'll be going to Heather's house for tonight. From there, I haven't decided yet." I'd be hopping around places.
"What about you?" I wondered nervously. I immediately noticed when Jasper started letting me feel again.
"We'll be traveling for a bit." Esme answered that one.
"Like.. Splitting up?" I wasn't sure I liked that.
"Very temporarily." Carlisle assured me. "We need to gather witnesses."
"Witnesses?" I asked, confused, but then I remembered. "Sorry. You said no questions."
"It's alright." He seemed to understand. "It is our hope that if enough people stand with us, we can make Aro pause long enough to listen to the truth."
Would that work?
"It's worth a shot." Edward answered my unspoken question. Quietly now, I looked over at Ness. I'd been there the day she was born. There was no question that she wasn't immortal. Immortals didn't grow, right? She grew. "That's what we're hoping others will see."
That made sense, and I had to admit, it was a good idea. Maybe if Aro could see for himself that Ness wasn't immortal, he wouldn't be mad anymore.
"And I can't be here, because these others won't be like you." I was understanding a little more.
"Exactly." Carlisle replied, and I nodded a little, looking down. They just wanted me to be safe.
"I don't like it." I admitted hesitantly. "But.. I guess I don't have much choice, huh?"
"Unfortunately." He sadly agreed. With a deep breath, I stood up. I hesitated, though. In a way, I expected it. Jasper gave me a little more of my emotion back, probably in preparation for me having to exist without his help. He gave me a little bit of everything. My fear, my anger at the situation, and especially my heartbreak.
Before my numbness was even fully gone, I started to cry.
"I don't want to leave." I whimpered around the lump of emotion. My eyes suddenly overflowed, and I looked over at Carlisle. "I want to stay here as long as I can."
The fear wasn't of them leaving. It was of whatever they were planning to do not working. I knew it wouldn't work by that feeling alone. I knew it. I remembered a time when not knowing was worse, and when not knowing would make me feel this way, but knowing now, being so sure, made it so much worse.
"There's still a chance." I cried, surprised I could still talk at all. Jasper was letting me cry, letting me be afraid.
"Leandra, everything will-"
"Don't tell me that! You didn't do anything wrong! Nobody has!" I couldn't help it. I took that step forward and hugged Carlisle. This hug meant a lot to me. Just as much as the first hug I ever gave him did, and that scared me.
"We haven't given up." He told me, and he returned my hug tightly. I didn't care at that point that I was getting too big for this. I didn't give a care in the world. I wasn't letting go.
"Take me with you." I requested. "Tomorrow. You can't leave me. Not ever."
"Leandra, I can't." He sighed. "It would be easier on us knowing you were safe. We still have some time before they come. There's still time."
"Leandra." I didn't turn at Alice's voice. "Can I have a quick word?" Didn't she see how bad of a time this was? I was in the middle of freaking out. Why would I want a word?
"No." I said instantly, knowing she was just trying to get me to let go. I wouldn't. I hadn't for anyone else yet, and I didn't see the point in letting go until I absolutely had to.
"Leandra, it's important." She insisted, and I turned for a second.
"Let me stay here." I cried, and she seemed surprised for a moment. "You can talk to me later. It can wait."
She sighed, giving me a look.
"Sooner or later," She said. "You're going to have to let go."
"That's later." I sniffled, and I realized that Jasper was helping me again. I fought it at first, but eventually I couldn't. With his help, I could take a breath again.
"Not fair." I mumbled, sighing. Although I was calmer now, I could sense Carlisle's relief.
"It'll only take a moment." Alice insisted, and she took my hand. Though I hesitated, I eventually allowed her to lead me up the stairs. I numbly walked with her, up each step despite how I tried to drag my feet.
She led me, surprisingly, into her and Jasper's room.
"Sit." She offered, gesturing to the bed, so I stiffly sat on the side. I felt so heavy again, plenty ready to just lay back and quit, and I knew she could see that as she sat beside me.
It was silent for a moment while I studied my hands. As much as I didn't understand, I didn't have a single question for her. She just watched me.
"Leandra, you can't stay here." She spoke softly, gently.
"I know." I mumbled. "It just.. Feels wrong to leave right now. I wanna stay, because here is where I always feel safest." It was quiet again, before I added. "You saw everything."
"I did." She admitted, looking down. "If you've been trying to see the same thing I saw today, I'm so sorry. Everything makes sense now."
"I'm so scared." That whimpered confession slipped out before I could stop it, but I didn't need to tell her that. "There has to be something I can do. There has to be something.." I trailed off, my quiet voice trembling lightly with my increasing emotion.
She reached out and gently pulled me to her in a hug, which I accepted easily. Biting back a sob as I hugged her back.
"Leandra, your gift gives you the ability to see what's in store." She murmured gently. "With that, comes a certain responsibility. It's your job to inform everyone else what's coming, but how you do that is everything. If they see you crumble, it's easy for them to lose hope."
"I can't help it." I whimpered. "I don't even know what happens-"
"You will." She replied. "I have no doubt that soon, what happens will make it through that block in your mind and when it does, you can't lose yourself."
"How do I not?" I asked, sitting back and looking at her. "What Rosalie said.. What if.. What if that's.. What I've been trying so hard to see. I don't wanna see that.."
I was actually aware of how terrified I was. I was a mess, but Jasper only seemed to be making it worse by not letting me feel all of it.
"I can't tell you yet what happens." She replied. "But I won't lie. That is a very real possibility. Especially given your emotions leading up to today." She sighed and hugged me again. "I would do anything to keep you from seeing that. God, you don't even know."
I heard it. That truthful tone of her voice. In that moment, though, all I could feel was gratitude for her help in all of this. She'd been the first of our family to meet me. She looked out for me the whole time I was here. She always stood up for me, and was always right there by my side. She kept me going so many times, basically dragging me on through everything.
Alice was the one that came back for me after they'd moved away. She saved my skin that day. She helped me escape a beating, and every day since their return, she had been right there. Willing to help me through whatever my ability was doing to me. She kept hope that I could somehow survive this.
Right then, it didn't matter that she was a vampire. She was my sister. Without any doubt, and the gratitude was almost overwhelming.
I never even questioned the emotion.
It was quiet once more while I slowly calmed down again. Until she leaned back, and she went on. Her voice was now a forced positive one.
"I wanted to give you something." She said, and I looked up. "I was going to save it for Christmas, but I think you deserve to have this now."
Not really liking the reminder, I took a deep breath. I kept quiet, but I watched as she reached behind her for a medium sized, emerald-green velvet box sitting on the table.
"All of us have something with this on it, aside from you. So here is yours."
She gently handed me the box, and I inspected it quickly before carefully lifting open the top. Inside this box, was a lot of thick, sturdy metal. I carefully pulled out whatever it was. It was a necklace.
It was bright silver, a rather long, sturdy chain with a decent sized decorative key hanging on it as a pendant. It looked like one of those very old skeleton keys, with the fancy top part to it. Instead of the regular pattern to the fancy top to it, though, it had been replaced prominently with the family crest. The key was large enough to clearly see, but small enough to hide if I wanted to. I wasn't sure why I'd ever want to.
She was right, though. I'd seen all of them wearing this at some point. Rings, necklaces, pendants, and wristbands. It was something common, but I never wondered before if I'd get one. Now that I had one of my own, I loved it. It meant so much to me to receive this.
"Wow." I murmured, looking closer.
"I think you've more than earned this." She gave me a smile, which I couldn't help returning a little. "Let this remind you that you're never really apart from us. You belong here just as much as I do."
"Thank you." I mumbled, looking back up.
"I know things seem overwhelming right now." Alice murmured to me, and she slowly took the necklace from me. "But you'll always belong here. Just remember that when you're having a hard day, or when you're lonely."
She gave me a comforting smile as she lowered the necklace over my head, and pulled my hair through it until the chain landed against my neck. I nodded, looking down at the key. It hung loosely down the front of my chest, nearly reaching my stomach, not at all restricting. I knew I'd probably grow into the length, but until then, I was plenty happy with it.
"I love it." I told her. "Thank you."
"It's long overdue." She replied. "You're more than welcome. Now, I know you don't want to leave, but you have your own part in this."
"A responsibility." I sighed, my smile fading. She didn't reply, but I knew she agreed, so I looked back up at her. Her eyes were sad, but the smile she attempted didn't help.
"Come on." She murmured, and stood up. Taking my hand, I was surprised to find she was going to walk me there. I hated having to give in, but she was right.
She walked with me to my room, to my surprise, picking out my clothes for me to pack.
I just took whatever she handed me, and placed it in my usual bag. When it was nearly full, she handed me my favorite pair of pajamas. The warmest ones I owned. Dark purple, and I loved them because it felt like wearing a blanket.
I put those in the bag last as she sighed, turning to look at me.
"Wear those tonight." She told me.
"Those are a little warm, aren't they?" I asked quietly, taking the soft and heavy fabric from her. If I was going to Heather's house, I'd probably be sleeping in the boys room. I didn't want to be too hot.
"It'll be pretty cold tonight." She explained. "I know how much they comfort you." I was a little suspicious, but that didn't last long. Fading almost as soon as the feeling came up. She was just thinking about me.
I sighed, shaking my head a little.
"Sorry." I said. "My head is so screwed up right now." She smiled and reached for my bag. Zipping it closed, she lifted it for me.
I knew when I made it out to the living room that Carlisle had already called ahead, just by the looks on the faces of my family. I hated this so much, not knowing where I'd eventually end up. I wasn't stupid. I knew this could potentially be good bye.
Despite that, though, I couldn't draw it out. I didn't ask how long I'd be there. I would just have to trust Carlisle.
I arrived, oddly still numb, at Heather's house. He must have told her that the situation was a bad one, because her normal smile was a sad one. Even the boys could tell, so I was figuring out fast that I must not have been as numb as I thought.
I prepared myself for a long night.
A/N: FINALLY. Damn.
THANK YOU to my reviewers! I couldn't keep this up without you guys! I eagerly look forward to reading what you guys think of this one. I hope it was at least a little bit worth the wait.
A fun little bit of info here that I keep forgetting to mention. I based Edward's song for her on a song called 'Transformation' by Michele Mclaughlin. Just wanted to point that out lol
I have a lot planned for the next three chapters. They're already outlined, so HOPEFULLY they won't take as long. I've got a few busy days coming up, but other than that, I'm determined to finish this story.
Until twenty, guys. (: