7. The Wrath of Gods

Author Notes: The alternate versions of Rumple, Belle, Archie and Pongo originally appeared in my series The Gold Chronicles which is a crossover of and features an AU version of the SyFy miniseries Tin Man where the character Azkadellia, aka the Sorceress first appeared. It has been a plan of Kat's and mine to do a crossover of Gold Standard and Gold Chronicles for many years since it was reading her Gold Standard series that inspired me to write Gold Chronicles. The Gold Chronicles characters bear the surnames Strogoff and Ozopov along with their cursed names to distinguish them from their Gold Standard counterparts with the exception of my Archie who uses his original name of Jiminy when he needs to and there is also more than one Storybrooke but we will not be seeing Gold Chronicles Storybrooke in this story. ~ CJ Moliere

Also we suggest that you read this chapter carefully as a LOT of things will be revealed!

Rumple parked his Cadillac in the lot behind the abandoned cannery and walked toward the docks using the crude map Jimmy drew for him showing where the Jolly Roger was moored under a cloaking spell and as he approached the ship he could see several portals opening on the water carrying ships flying the skull and crossbones flags of pirates. Soon more portals opened bringing more ships.

"Damned pirates!" he cursed and as he took out his phone he spotted a small replica of the Black Pearl floating toward him. He summoned the vessel to him and waved his hand over the deck. Rumple, Hook has captured the sea goddess Ursula and intends to invade Storybrooke. Call in your favor, dearie. I know Ursula will be happy to repay it. We're on our way!" he heard his sister say.

"Indeed she would," Rumple murmured.

It had been centuries since he'd crossed paths with the sea goddess whose true name was Calypso but he hadn't forgotten her nor the favor she owed him for saving her life when she was bound in human form by a group of pirates known as the Brethren Court and the man at the center of the plot had been her lover Davy Jones. The later generations of the Brethren Court hunted the goddess praying that they would be the ones to capture and kill her and the seas would at last be theirs to rule but Ursula gained a few allies among the pirates, Jack Sparrow and the Turners among them. Her greatest ally was the cursed sorcerer who had given her a home and cared for her for a few months the first time she'd escaped Hook's clutches. It was then that she vowed she would be at his service should he ever need her and in turn Rumple promised that he would release her from her human bondage and allow her to return to her beloved sea.

He typed a quick text to Belle, Emma and Bae's phones and contined down the dock to the Jolly Roger's hiding place.

Warn everyone in Storybrooke. Dozens of pirate ships sailing in. Ward homes!

"Damn Hook!" Bae swore.

"He's bringing all his friends," Jimmy said sadly. "I'm glad Papa called for Rhea. Jack can get the Brethern Court members to join him in the fight."

"What's the Brethren Court?" Belle asked.

"A group of pirates thst follow the Code...lady and gentlemen pirates I guess you can say. The Pirate Lord's a woman named Elizabeth Swann-Turner. But Hook has the sea goddess Ursula and he's gonna try to use her against them if they come." Jimmy made a face. "It's not the first time he's taken her either. If she owes Papa a favor, she'll repay it."

"Let's hope so otherwise those pirates are gonna level this town," Alice muttered.

Aboard the Jolly Roger, a bound and gagged David Nolan was tossed onto the deck.

"Been a while since we seen a good keelhauling!" Barbossa said gleefully. "Who wants to wager on how long he lasts? Ten pieces of silver says he doesn't last an hour!"

"Ah he ain't gonna last no more'n thirty minutes!" Smee threw ten pieces into a pot.

The others tossed their silver pieces into the pot while David was being tied to another rope.

"What we gonna do with Her Highness, Cap'n?" another asked Hook, gesturing to the tall, silvery blond haired woman tied to the mast.

"Keelhaul her too!" several crewmembers cried out.

"Feed her to her own sharks!" suggested another.

"Let us have her Cap'n!"

Ursula shivered. She would prefer being keelhauled than being turned over to the men for their amusement again. Her back still bore the scars from the beatings she'd been given during her first captivity and there were still more scars in her mind. Oh how she longed to have her powers back! Then these wretched mortals would feel the wrath of a goddess!

Hook caressed her scarred cheek, the stench of the rum on his breath making the bile rise in her throat. "Hmmm...it's been a while since I've enjoyed your favors too, hasn't it love?"

"I can't say I've enjoyed yours." She spat in his face. He raised his hand and slapped her hard, her head slamming against the mast.

"You will!" Hook sneered and sliced through her bonds with his sword. "Take her to my quarters!" he ordered Smee.

"You son of a bitch!" Milah howled when she came on deck in time to see Ursula being taken to her husband's cabin. "This is the LAST time you are going to cuckold me!"

Hook pointed the tip of his sword at her throat. "What did you say to me, woman?"

"You heard me. This is the last..."

"I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP. NOT YOU!" he bellowed.

Milah looked down at the sword thrust into her chest and then up at him again and fell back onto the deck.

"That goes for the rest of you. Take your orders from me or I'll run you all through!" he snarled. "Feed this bitch to the sharks!" he commanded and kicked Milah's still form, wondering why he hadn't killed her years ago. Finally free of the albatross that he called a wife, he was eager to slake his growing lust with the beautiful sea goddess confined in his quarters. She would come around. They all did eventually.

They tossed Milah overboard.

"Cap'n! They're coming!" Smee pointed to several fleets of ships sailing toward the Roger.

"Tell them to hold," Hook said. "I have other business to attend to first."

"What about him?" Smee gestured to David.

"Throw him over when I come out. Let him squirm a bit."

"You first dearies," Rumple hissed from his position on the dock and shifted into a crocodile.

"Crocodile!" Barbossa yelled. "Get the harpoons!"

Rumple opened his mouth and bared his teeth.

"You think harpoons are gonna stop me?" he giggled.

"Kill it! Kill it and skin it Barbossa!"

"Tis yer hides I'll be skinnin and mountin on my walls!" Rumple snarled as he inched toward Barbossa. The pirate tossed a harpoon that whizzed past Rumple's snout and tore a hole in one of the sails. "Better work on yer aim!"

"Gimme the gun, I'm gonna shoot it!"

Rumple threw up a shield as Smee fired, the bullets bouncing off it. "Missed me, missed me!"

He lowered the shield and pounced on Smee, the scent of urine and feces heavy in the air. "Ugh! I eat you and I'll get e coli and probably the pox!" The pirate squirmed beneath him and the others threw more harpoons that bounced off Rumple's shield and onto the deck. The other crew members began fleeing in terror. Rumple bit into the collar of Smee's tunic and dragged him across the deck then tossed him into the water. "Take a bath, dearie!"

Juno Beach, Florida

Rumplestiltskin Strogoff-Gold clutched his belly laughing hysterically. He would probably tear his incisions but he didn't care one iota. Viewing his counterpart terrorizing the ragtag crew of the Jolly Roger through the seeing crystal he snuck in was the highlight of his morning.

"What's so funny...Rumplestiltskin Strogoff-Gold, you put that seeing globe away this instant! You're supposed to be resting!" Belle ordered, her hands on her hips when she entered his hospital room.

"I am resting. Laughter is the best medicine, dearie!"

"And who do I have to throw the book at for sneaking that in?" She pointed to the crystal in his hand.

"I brought it myself so you can throw the book at me...when I'm better." he giggled.

"I will. Now do you want to tell me what is so funny?"

"See for yourself." He handed the crystal to her.

She waved her hand over it. "Oh my...is that the other Rumple...as a crocodile?"

"He does our name proud!"

"You are still my favorite Rumple."

"I'd better be. You married me."

"I tolerate you. Keep disobeying my orders and I'll have Fiona wallop you with the Bruiser!" she teased, referring to a large paddle his elderly Scottish cousin carried around to 'beat sense into stupid wankers' as she put it.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I would." She smirked.

"That is cruel and unusual punishment!"

"Then start listening to me."

"I will...after I see what happens to those wankers. Cast it on the wall. You remember how."

"I'm still not that good at it. You'd think after eight years..."

"Try sweetheart," he encouraged.

She cupped the seeing crystal in her hands and focused. Seconds later it began to glow and the images projected onto the wall in front of the bed.

"Not that good at it, eh?" he asked and held out his arms. She went into them willingly.

"I had the best teacher in all the realms and so will he when you go there but promise me you won't until you're better."

"We'll see how things develop. He's going to need my help if he wants to defeat my aunt. He thinks she's his world's version of Cora but she's much more than that." He froze.

Belle sat beside him in silence knowing that it was dangerous to disturb him while he was using the Eye of Aramon, as he now called his Sight. His Sight scrambled the images into the pieces of a puzzle that he sometimes had difficulty interpreting when he was the Dark One but once he embraced his true heritage he gained the sight the Ozian god Aramon, his ancestor who could see the past, present and futures of all but those closest to him unless it was an extreme emergency.

The Astral Plane - Oz

He'd never been there but he'd seen the Haunted Forest many times through the memories of the mother who gave her life to protect him from the first Dark One, his aunt Zorinda Strogoff, reborn as Cora Mills in this fifth version of Storybrooke and just as ruthless. He stopped before a tall oak tree whose branches served as a makeshift bed for his cousin Regina and niece Meredith. Rumple clenched his right hand into a fist and pressed it against his left shoulder and kneeled, the signal the Guardians of the Balance used to identify themselves to each other and to the gods they served throughout the worlds.

"I am Rumplestiltskin Strogoff-Gold, Guardian of the West Gate and keeper of the blade of fire. Who summons me?"

"Loki of Asgard." the tree replied.

"Forgive my lord but...my powers are weak at the moment. Just had gallstones removed."

The god of mischief laughed. "Yes I know...from eating too many hamburgers the size of pancakes among other things. But in all seriousness, this is why I summoned you." The tree gestured to Jiminy asleep against its trunk. "He cannot stay here. His powers are being drained by one of my kin. You must send him to the fifth Storybrooke to protect your mother."

"My mother! She's...she's been reborn?" Rum's eyes filled with tears.

A woman's image appeared on his trunk. "Her name in this world is Lilliana Bergmann...well...Lilliana Hopper now."

"Wait a minute...are you saying this realm's Archie is my stepfather? Bloody hell! He's three years younger than me!"

"As if your family tree couldn't get more complicated!" Loki quipped.

"You should talk! Yours is just as bad!"

"Touche. Lilliana does not remember her past as Lilliana Strogoff. She needs to remember before Zorinda finds her and Jiminy is the fourth strongest magical user of your bloodline that you can send since the women are knocked up again." The god laughed again.

"And Regina and Meredith?"

"I will take them home but we have a little payback to do on a certain witch first!"

Rum giggled. "Oh I'll be watching that!"

"Just don't get caught or Belle will throw the book at you."

"No, she'll watch with me. What of MacNamara...your great-grandson...it is grandson is it or somewhere down the line?"

"I'll release him. He cannot drain his own flesh and blood. I will send Pongo to Jiminy when I'm finished."

"I almost feel sorry for the witch. Almost."

"Don't waste a smidgen of pity on that one. She tortures children. Anyone who harms children deserves to be roasted," Loki snarled.

"Aye and I can give you a spit from my bar to use."Rum gestured and a business card appeared in his hand. "If you're ever down in Florida stop by for a drink."

On the business card was the name THE SPINNING WHEEL BAR AND GRILLE along with the address, telephone number and website.

"Nice. I will take you up on that offer. I often travel down to Midgard. Let me show you what I look like in my Aesir form." He sends an image of himself as a tall thin handsome man with shoulder length black hair and bright green eyes.

"Better not let my wife see you or she'll want to run off with you." He laughed. "We've made Juno a safe haven for mages in the last eight years. Now we're working on making another mage friendly community in the Outer Banks."

Loki laughed. "I have that problem with a lot of mortal women. I don't intend to steal anyone's wife however. They just tend to come after me. Thor calls it the Loki Effect. Unfortunately, it tends to start riots. In Vegas once they mistook me for some rock star and a bunch of women tried to rip my clothes off. They got as far as ripping my sleeves off before I cast an illusion and 'ported out of there."

"Hmmm...I wonder if that was the riot Regina and Emma were talking about when they were in Vegas after we broke the Dark Curse? Ye didna wander into a male stripper show did ye?"

"It very well could have been. No, but like I said, I have been mistaken for such before. Some of my Asgardian brethren find it flattering . . . me I find it annoying especially if I am down there to relax. It is not relaxing to be referred to as a sex object and mauled by fifty women acting like I'm the only dessert at a banquet." He sighed. "So I often shift into other forms.

"Belle gets like that when I wear my leathers..."

"I wear leather too, darling . . . and my wife Sigyn tells me I could stop the sun in the sky."

"Or traffic!" Rum sighed. "I'd better wake the cricket up and tell him he's being rerouted."

He shook Jiminy awake.

"Rumple, what...what are you doing here?"

"I need you to wake up and go to the fifth Storybrooke."

"I have to get the girls..."

"You can't do anything as long as Loki's great-grandson keeps draining you. Loki will have to release MacNamara himself since he is the only one here immune to his ability and take my niece and cousin home. I need you in Storybrooke to protect my mother and stepfather from Zorinda!"

"Who are they?"

"Better brace yourself Cricket. It's your other self and his wife."

"I...I'm your stepfather?!" Jiminy threw back his head and burst out laughing.

"Oh cut that out and get going before I shrink you!"

"You can't!" Jiminy teased. "Oh wait til my other self finds this out. It's gonna break his glasses!"

"Git! And you quit laughing too!" Rum snapped at Loki.

The god of mischief chuckled. "It's a most amusing conundrum. Go, you two. I will make sure the girls get home. And blanket their minds so they don't suffer nightmares from this. They have endured enough nightmares from abuse from their mothers."

"I'll see you soon but for now I'm going to enjoy my other self scaring the shit out of those pirates as a crocodile!" Rum said and vanished from the astral plane.

"Is everything all right Rumple?"

"My mother!" he wept joyfully. "Belle, I've found her at last! She was reborn along with my aunt. I've sent our Archie to protect her and and my stepfather."

"Your stepfather? Who is he?"

"The other Archie and there's no one else I would trust my mother's heart with."

And may you rot in Ephesis for all eternity Pan! he thought bitterly.

"We'll go and see them when you're better," Belle said softly.

The Jolly Roger

It had taken him less than twenty minutes but the deck of the Jolly Roger was now empty except for David and Rumple still in his crocodile form. The pirates were scattered in the sea, wimpering and peeing themselves in fear. He shifted back into his human form and cut through David's ropes with his sword and untied the dirty rag from his mouth.

"Thank you Rumple."

"You need to get to my house right away. Snow and Cas are under a sleeping curse that will become permanent in fourteen days!"

"Regina?"

"Cora has her," Rumple growled.

"No!" he cried.

"I'll find her! I promise you I'll find her. Now go to your wife and son! Move it Charming!"

"Rumple...we got company!" David pointed to a pirate ship cruising beside the Jolly Roger.

"GO!"

David jumped off the boat and ran toward the dock as a plank was thrown onto the deck of the Jolly Roger and a group of ragtag pirates walked across, swords drawn.

"Easy pickins this one is," one laughed.

"Oh am I?" Rumple asked and gestured. Now there were twelve Rumples standing on the deck of the ship. "Not so easy pickins now!"

"What the...? How the...?"

"Never mind...let's kill 'em all!" another hooted.

"You have to find the right one first dearies!" he singsonged.

The pirates began approaching the Rumples who vanished as soon as they attacked with their swords and reappeared in various spots on the ship.

"Up here!" Rumple taunted and dumped a chamberpot over three of them from the crow's nest.

"Get him! Oh blast he's gone again!"

"Over heeeere..." Rumple waved to them from the mainsail.

"Get the gun and blast his arse inta Davy Jones' locker!"

"You mean this lil ole gun?" A Rumple poked his head out from inside one of the canons.

"How 'bout this one smartass?" A pirate pointed a large musket at a Rumple construct lounging in a hammock

"Compensating for something?" Rumple asked from the helm.

"Just shoot you idiot!" his captain shouted!

The pirate pulled back the trigger and fired. The construct's eyes widened. "I HAVE A HOLE IN MY STOMACH...and I'm still alive!" he laughed, quoting a few lines from a favorite movie of his and Belle's Death Becomes Her.

A pirate beheaded another construct. The head rolled over to his feet. "Do you remember where I parked my car?" it asked him. He screamed, threw his sword down and ran back to the safety of his own ship.

One of the pirates picked up a shovel and slammed it down on a Rumple's head. The construct raised its hands and pulled the head back up and snatched the shovel out of his hands. "Now let's see if your face pops back up."

The pirate backed away in fear and started running with the construct in pursuit, swinging the shovel.

Another construct used a sword to cut the letter R into the seat of a pirate's pants. "I see London, I see France, I see your holey underpants! You ever wash them? They're yellow! Like the stripe down your back!"

"Ahhh!" the pirate yelped. "What have ye carved into me?"

"It's the sign of the R! For R-r-r-umplstiltskin!"

"What fancy tricks you got now old man?" the last pirate sneered.

"Look down."

A rope was wrapped around the pirate's foot. Two constructs yanked on the line and the pirate was lifted off his feet. A third picked up a large oar and handed it to Rumple. "You do the honors, dearie," it said.

"This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me!" Rumple laughed and swung the oar, delivering a hard blow to the pirate's back side. The constructs laughed and started counting the blows.

"One!"

"Two."

"Three."

"Gonna wear my arm out," Rumple whined.

"...Sixteen...seventeen...give him one big one to grow on!"

Rumple loosened the rope and swung the oar again. "And one to grow on out of the park!" he hooted as the pirate went flying into the sea.

"Homerun!" the constructs cheered.

Rumple ran around the ship as if he were running the bases at the ballfield, hi-fiving each construct as he passed him.

The constructs smiled at him and vanished. Then he heard a terrified scream from the captain's quarters.

He picked up his sword, his eyes glittering with rage.

The Haunted Forest - Oz

Regina and Meredith awoke to the sweet smell of apples and before their eyes was a feast fit for a dozen princesses.

"Merri, look...apple tarts!' Regina cried and bit into one.

"Ice cream! Sno cones!" Meredith cheered.

"Wonder who made all this good stuff?" Regina mused and reached for another apple tart.

"Wasn't Greenie. She can't cook worth crap."

They heard a screech on the ground below them and looked down to see one of the monkeys. Meredith threw her arms around Regina protectively. "You're not takin us back, you flea circus!" she yelled and picked up an apple to throw. "Take that!"

The monkey waved its arms at the tree.

"It's all right girls. He's a friend." Loki reassured them.

"Mister Tree! Did you get us all this good food?"

"Yes Regina. Pallux would you please shift into your other form?"

"Hey that's Pongo! My grandpa's dog!" Meredith exclaimed, pointing at the Dalmatian.

"No that's Pongo from another realm but he's here to help you get home."

"But we gotta get Greenie first. Right?"

"Right." The tree winked at Regina.

"I wanna get her good but I'm really hungry."

"My little tricksters need to eat up first. Then we'll show Zelena just how naughty we can be."

The girls giggle and then begin to eat the food. "You make food as good as Unca Rumple, Skytreader," Regina said, scarfing down an apple tart with some chocolate ice cream.

"Regina, these are really good!" Meredith said, eating an apple tart.

"I know. Skytreader, you cook as good as Unca Rumple," Regina praised.

"I feel I should be honored by that," laughed Loki. "Your uncle is a good cook?"

"Uh huh. Unca Rumple can cook everything and it tastes great. But he's also a sorcerer, a really powerful one."

"Uh-huh," Meredith agreed. "Gramma and Grandpa said he can kick butt three ways to Sunday even without using magic."

Loki thought that reminded him of himself, who was a master with martial arts and daggers beside being the most powerful magician in Asgard.

"Now I'm ready to a roast witch! What's the plan?"

Regina thought for a moment and laughed. "Too bad I just kicked her butt in a dream. It would be really funny if we made some of it real only worse!"

"She deservs to be locked up with a big bad Bertha." Meredith growled. "Like my mom!"

"So let's get her!" Regina stood up.

Pallux waited patiently, all this plotting reminding him of Jiminy and Azkadellia. It wasn't easy for Az when a wicked witch possessed her body but Jiminy could plot with the best of them even while playing on both sides of the fence.

"Suppose you tell me what you did to that green hag in your dream and we can figure out a way to do it to her here?" Loki suggested.

"Ummm okay I made up some cannibal and witch hunting Barbies...they're dolls an I made them chase her all around."

"Tell him about the monkeys!" Meredith prodded.

The God of Mischief giggled. "That sounds utterly hilarious!"

"Oh yeah...I made the monkeys make a lotta noise and carry signs about lettin Unca Rumple outta his cage only it wasn't Unca Rumple was it? Then I peed on her!"

Loki howled with laughter. "Oh, I wish I had seen that!"

"Gross!" Meredith groaned. "But since it was the witch..."

"And I sang a lot..."

Meredith grinned evilly. "I can do that and I know sone reaaallly annoying songs. I used to bug my granpda a lot when I'd sing em."

"Yeah well dont bug him anymore Merri."

"I won't."

"Gina, darling, you are definitely mischief's daughter," Loki declared proudly.

"Hey Gina...let's do the trick you did on me! Ya know with the fake maggots?"

"Fake maggots?" Loki queried. He thought, I pulled a similar prank on my brothers with fake worms.

"Yup. She put 'em in a sandwich and I almost ate em!"

"Very good! But what if they were real ones?" Loki chuckled evilly.

"Gross but hey she's asking for it!"

"She owes us cookies an Kool Aid too!"

"I'm not allowed to have Kool Aid. It makes me hyper."

"That's why we need it, Merri. To be really hyper."

"That's why I'm going to give you some, darlings," Loki declared.

"Cool!"

"...Idiot! Imbecile!" Cora raged, slapping her daughter repeatedly with one hand then the other.

"Mother..."

"How could let them get past you?!"

"I..." Before Zelena could utter another syllable she was thrown against the wall. Her mother approached her slowly, her dark eyes red as fire.

"I WARNED you what the punishment would be if you disappointed me."

"Mother...please.."

Cora held out her hand and forced her daughter's lips open. A white mist floated out of Zelena's mouth and into Cora's, several strands of Zelena's ginger hair turning snow white, the skin on her hands and arms wrinkling.

The woman who once lived as Zorinda Strogoff, descendant of Hades and Persephone and the Ozian gods Aramon and Lurline, had forgotten how thrilling the experience of taking a life force could be.

"Find them or I'll take the rest," she snarled.

Zelena nodded weakly and slid to the floor as her mother vanished.

After a few minutes she picked up her broom and flew out of the castle hoping she would find the girls before her mother returned.

And then she would take her sister's life force for herself and throw the corpse at the bitch's feet.

Skytreader's branches rustled as he sensed Zelena moving from the castle. "It's showtime, darlings! Go and be mischief's disciples. And free the man trapped in the witch's castle."

"What if the witch comes back?" Meredith said fearfully. "What about her magic?"

"Don't worry about it," Loki soothed. "Her magic cannot harm you." Not with MY protection spells on you, the god thought.

"Let's go Merri. C'mon Pongo!" Regina called out to Pallux.

Pallux laughed. We'll do you proud Loki!

Skytreader saluted them with a branch. Then he gently lowered the girls to the ground. "Go, daughters. Make that green hag wish her father never met her mother!"

Regina held up the wand. "Okay..here come my Cannibal and Witch Hunt Barbies...life size!"

Four adult sized Barbies wearing hunting clothes appeared before the girls. They were holding burning torches and pitchforks.

"Let's kill some WITCH!" screamed a Witch Hunt Barbie.

"I like my witch with buffalo and ranch sauce and fries on the side," said Cannibal Barbie.

"Ohh wee ohhh yohhh hummmm" they heard a group of monkeys chanting as Pallux flew above them screeching hysterically for Loki had given them the gift of speech.

"Archie says hearing that on the Wizard of Oz drives him crazy," Pallux informed the girls. "So one day his kids did it..."

"Ohh wee ohhh yohhh hummm!" Meredith recited. "C'mon Gina! Do it!"

Regina does it also. laughing. "Hurry, Merri! We gotta free the man in the castle before she gets back. Skytreader says so!"

"Coming!"

Once they were inside, they began searching for a cage like the one Regina described in her dream.

"It's not here!" Meredith cried. "Gina, do you remember anything else about where you found your Uncle Rumple?"

"I got in through a miror..." She opened a door. "Merri, look! It's a hall of mirrors like I saw in my dream! Maybe he's in there!"

"Let's look!" She grabbed a torch and waved the wand over it to light it.

Meredith took Regina's hand in hers and to both girls shock their joined hands started to glow, extinguishing the torch.

"Nothing can hurt us if we stay together," Meredith murmured.

Their Ozian magic is unlocking, Loki heard Rumple Strogoff's voice say.

In his prison MacNamara could see a faint beam of light in the distance, sensing the presence of not one but two light mages. "Stay back," he cautioned. "I repel magic and could drain you!"

"That sounds like Unca Rumple!' Regina cried. "It's okay Unca Rumple. It's me. I'm gonna get you out!"

The children? The light magic was coming from the children!

"No please. I beg you. Keep back!"

He heard a tearing sound and the curtain concealing his prison fell to the floor at the feet of two little girls no older than five, their joined hands glowing in the darkness.

"It is Rumple!" Meredith exclaimed.

"Uh-huh and I'm bustin him outta there!" Regina pointed the wand at the mirror.

The little girl closed her eyes and began to chant in an odd language. MacNamara understood a few of the words, he'd seen them in the book he carried.

Please by the gods, don't let me drain her, he prayed.

The wand sparkled with purple light and the glass shimmered.

"Gina it's working! It's working!" Meredith cheered.

"Let him OUT!" Regina screamed. The mirror shattered.

"You did it!" Meredith cried and threw her arms around the younger girl.

MacNamara scratched his head, puzzled. "How...how didn't I drain you?"

"You're free Unca Rumple! Free!" Regina hugged his legs.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but my name is MacNamara," he said to her. Her face fell.

"You don't 'member me! She cursed you!" Regina wailed. "Okay...now I got it. I gotta give ya true love's kiss to wake you up!"

"Umm...Gina...I really don't think he's Mister Gold," Meredith protested.

"Yes he is. He's just cursed that's all."

"No, honey. My name is Robert MacNamara. I'm a US Marine Colonel, Ret." He wondered how much he dared tell the little girls. It was obvious they didn't know the real reason why he looked identical to Regina's Uncle Rumple.

"You're a soldier?" Meredith asked him.

"Yes, I am. Well, I'm retired now, but I worked Special Ops for twenty-five years. Now I just do defense contracts for the government."

"So how come you look like my Unca Rumple?" Regina demanded. "They make ya look like him so you can come to Storybrooke and do crazy experiments on us?"

"What?" Robert stared at her. "No. I wouldn't do that. What do you mean?"

"Like zap us and stuff like that. Cut us open..." She shivered.

"I have a question of my own," Pallux spoke up. "Commander Ozopov released you eighteen years ago. How in the world did you end up here?"

MacNamara looked horrified. "You mean scientific experiments? No Marine would ever do that." He looked at Pallux.

Pallux scowled at him. "Your mission was to deliver the Book of the Ancients to the chief Guardian of this realm and we both know you had another, more personal reason for finding him, don't we?"

"Yes. But I won't discuss that now. It's classified," Robert snapped. "As to how I ended up here, the green witch nabbed me as I was on the way through the forest to use the portal the Commander showed me. And I've been her prisoner for all this time-only time isn't the same here as elsewhere now is it? Because I haven't aged."

"No but you still look like Unca Rumple," Regina reminded him. "And now that we got you out, you wanna help us get back at her?"

Pallux laughed. "You're going to enjoy this, MacNamara. These girls can cook up some pretty hefty mischief."

"All right girls, I'm in."

"Yay! Let's go witch hunting!" Regina cheered.

McNamara grabbed one of the torches and lit it with the lighter he had in his backpack. He had a few other useful items in it as well including his machete and gun. A good soldier was always prepared. He followed them down the hall whistling the Ballad of the Green Berets.

"Silver wings upon their chest

These are men, America's best ..." he sang.

Moments later a flock of flying monkeys and two little girls began to sing along.

They could hear Zelena screaming in terror as they entered the Haunted Forest and the maniacal laughter of the Cannibal and Witch Hunting Barbies in pursuit.

"I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here!" Zelena chanted through her sobs.

MacNamara chuckled, her antics reminding him of the hysterical passenger in the classic comedy Airplane.

He would be the first in line to slap her green face and knock her rotten teeth down her throat.

"Oh we loathe the green one!" the monkeys chanted

"THERE SHE IS!" Meredith shouted.

A Cannibal Barbie waved Zelena's burned broomstick in her hand. "I got the broom!"

Zelena froze when she spotted MacNamara. "YOU!"

Robert grinned wickedly. "That's right, my pretty. I'm your worst nightmare!"

"An I TOLD you I was gonna kick your butt again so here I am!" boasted the former Evil Queen.

"You think so, you little bitch?" Zelena snarled. "We'll see about that!" She went to pull Regina's life force from her body, only to run smack into Loki's protective wards.

The wards flared green and slammed her across the clearing into an oak tree with terrific force.

"Yes! It's Squashed Witch Round Two!" Meredith cheered.

The Barbies held up some ropes. "Let's tie her up and roast her!"

Regina conjured a sandwich and thrust it at Zelena. "Wanna bite?"

Meredith turned her back and snickered.

"No..." Zelena protested.

"Eat It!" MacNamara shoved the sandwich into the witch's mouth.

Zelena's eyes widened with horror when she saw tiny white creatures crawling out of the ham and cheese sandwich she'd been forced to swallow.

"You made me eat MAGGOTS!" she shrieked, gagging.

"Tastes like chicken!" Robert taunted.

"I'm hungry! Can we eat her now?" demanded the Barbies.

"Oh we loathe the green one," the monkeys continued to chant.

"Shut them up, shut them up for the love of the gods shut them up!" Zelena whined.

Regina could feel the pressure on her bladder mounting and stepped forward, giving the witch her Royal Awful look. "Hey Zelena...have ya ever heard the saying when you gotta go, you gotta go?"

MacNamara cracked up. "Give her a golden shower!"

"So leave...oh you filthy disgusting MUNCHKIN!"

Urine dripped from Zelena's shoes and stockings.

"Oops!"

Meredith leaned against one of the oak trees holding her belly as she laughed.

"Oh I am going to incinerate you, you miserable little brat!' Zelena yelled and attempted to conjure a fireball but nothing appeared, not even a spark.

"Looks like you're out of juice, Mean Green Whiny Machine," MacNamara smirked.

"Not yet!" She tried again and nothing.

"I think your car's outta gas, you horrible hag from hell," Robert jeered.

"Nooo..."

And now he was ready to deliver his own special brand of justice not fit for young eyes and ears.

He turned to the girls. "I need you to go with Pallux, girls. Don't want you to have nightmares. Take 'em outta here."

"Come along girls," Pallux said led them away.

"Wonder what he's gonna do?" Regina asked.

"I dunno but it's not gonna be pretty," Meredith murmured.

They followed Pallux back to where Skytreader was standing.

"We did it! We freed him...but now we really wanna go home," Regina confessed. "Not that we don't like you, we do but we really miss our family."

"Of course you do. And I can send you home, darlings. But first I need to reverse my enchantment. Trees can't open portals." Loki chuckled. Then he shifted his shape from the giant oak into a tall handsome ebony-haired man with eyes like the rarest emeralds.

"Whoa! You're...you're really cute..." Meredith said and blushed.

"I would say you are too but Robin might get jealous," Regina added.

Loki chuckled. "And we wouldn't want that, would we? Okay, I'm going to open this portal and send you right to your Uncle Rumple's house. Farewell, little tricksters. It was fun plotting mischief with you." He knelt down and opened his arms.

The girls went into them willingly and hugged him hard. "Thank you Skytreader. Come and see us again. Please," Regina pleaded.

"Oh you'll see me again, darlings. By the Nine, I swear it," Loki murmured.

"Goodbye and thanks again," Meredith said softly and took Regina's hand in hers. Their hands began to glow again.

They are like my cousins Azkadellia and Dorothia now. Nothing can hurt them as long as they're together. The bond is forged, Rumplestiltskin Strogoff-Gold's voice echoed.

With his mage's sight Loki watched as the image of a cricket appeared on Meredith's upper left arm, the image of a chalice appeared on Regina's upper right arm.

Loki pointed his hand and a swirling green portal appeared and opened, showing Rumple's backyard with Alina's treehouse. "There you go, little mischief makers. I will see you again soon."

"Okay! Come on, Merri! Let's go!"

They raced through the portal and into the backyard. "Auntie Belle! Auntie Belle! We're back! We're back!" Regina yelled.

When no one answered them they ran up to the back door and started pounding on it with their fists. "Unca Rumple, Auntie Belle, let us in before that mean lady catches us again!" Regina pleaded.

The door opened slowly and Alina poked her head out. "Regina? Meredith? Mama, come quick! It's Regina and Meredith! They're okay!"

She ushered the girls inside and slammed the door shut.

Meanwhile in Oz, MacNamara prepared to make good on his words that he would be a certain wicked witch's worst nightmare.

He directed the Cannibal Barbies to start digging a pit. They were going to have a witch roasting. He drew out his machete.

"You ever see Alice in Wonderland, Greenie? I heard your mother is the Queen of Hearts. So then you'll know what I mean when I say, "Off with her head!"

Zelena spat in his face. "Go to hell, MacNamara!"

"You first," he said coldly, and raised the machete, bringing it down in one swift stroke. "Stick an apple in her mouth, girls and spit her."

"With pleasure!"

One of the monkeys held up a shaker of pepper.

Another started spreading mayonnaise on two slices of bread.

"Will you be joining us?" one of the Barbies asked him.

"Ummm...no. You're welcome to her." He would get more enjoyment watching her burn.

"Ding dong with witch this dead," one of the Cannibal Barbies sang while she turned the spit.

"Which old witch?"

"The wicked witch."

"Ding dong the wicked witch is dead..."

"You forgot the barbecue sauce and the salt," Loki announced as he walked into the clearing holding a salt shaker and a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's.

"Toss me some in garlic and parmesan!" cried one of the very hungry monkeys.

Loki summoned them and added them to fixings bar. Robert gaped at him.

"You can use magic around me? How? No one can do that for long."

"Not so, Colonel MacNamara. Or should I say, my great-grandson," Loki smiled welcomingly at him. "Your null magic field will not affect your own blood kin."

Him? The great-grandson of a god? It had to be a joke...and a bad one at that.

Robert laughed. "Good one! You nearly had me going there . . . God of Mischief. If that's who you truly are."

"It is. If I wasn't, my magic would be drained to nothing and it's not."

"Who's to say it won't later?"

"I do." Loki reached out and took his hand. Robert's eyes widened in shock. Normally skin to skin contact with him after more than a few moments caused a mage to pass out.

"So that's why the Commander asked me if I had something of yours in my arsenal...he knew!"

But what he didn't understand was how a god could have allowed his family to be torn apart.

"Where were you when we needed you all those years ago!" he raged. "Do you know how long and how far I've searched for my brother and sister?"

"Yes, he knew. That book you carry tells the lineage of all the descendants of the gods of every realm and pantheon. Read it and you will find your name under mine. But I never knew of your existence until recently. When I spoke with your mother's shade in the astral plane. She informed me that she was my granddaughter, the granddaughter we all believed dead. Daria was my son Narvi's child, and she was stolen away by the Queen of the Fae and raised as one of them-the Gold Fairy. They left a changeling in her place, a construct so lifelike it fooled my son and his wife.

They went insane with grief and they burned the body before I could see it, and so we mourned her as dead.

"Daria grew up believing she was Fae and she gave up her magic when she married that bastard Malcolm. But her children bore the magic she renounced . . . and the bloodline she never knew she possessed. MY bloodline, the blood of Jotunheim and Asgard."

"So my brother and sister...they don't know I exist? Or that we're...your kin?"

Loki shook his head. "No. You see, Malcolm sold you to a slaver that could cross realms when you were born and told your mother you had died and only Rumple had survived. She was so grief stricken she never questioned it . . . or told Rumple about his identical twin that had died. And Rhea was a Seer and he made a bargain with Baba Yaga to take her in exchange for her hiding him from deserting from the army during the ogre wars. And he played the same trick and put a changeling in Rhea's place that later sickened and died."

Robert snorted with disgust. "Some father."

"I am sorry I never knew what he did. I would have torn apart the Nine to reunite you all with my family. Daria's loss broke my poor son. His wife divorced him. He blamed himself and later died fighting the fire giants of Muspelheim. The lying Queen of the Fae owes me a debt. And if your rotten father were not in Hel already, I would be taking payment out of his hide as well." Loki declared heatedly.

"And so would I but right now all I want to do is find Rumple and Rhea. I don't know if they'll accept me but I have to try. They have a right to know what was done to me, to all of us."

Loki nodded. "They do. They will be together in Storybrooke to fight Cora-as she is known to them. But in reality she is Zorinda Strogoff, from another Ozian reality. And you three demigods plus Jiminy will need my assistance to defeat her."

"Those damned Ozians need to keep their inmates locked up! But I'll drain all of them when I get there!"

"Not if I give you a quick tutorial in how to control your Gift," Loki refuted. "You wouldn't drain your kin, but you will Jiminy. Come walk over here with me, grandson."

Robert slanted him a glance. "You don't look old enough to be anybody's grandfather. I look old enough to be your father."

Loki arched a raven brow. "Don't get sassy with me, boy." He waved a chiding finger at the Marine officer. "Now come with me, and I shall show you a few tricks to managing that power of yours, Robert MacNamara Laufeyson."