13. Bummer

Finals were right around the corner and all the studying Delphine had done didn't seem to be sticking. She'd been distracted lately. It didn't make sense considering she was spending less time with Cosima. It was like she couldn't concentrate without the little woman relaxing beside her or rummaging through her fridge or watching Hallmark movies – just there.

Shay got over the "drunken" kiss eventually. She was still upset about it, but there wasn't much she could do. Delphine had the tendency to be stone-faced when someone was mad at her. Shay couldn't really make a comment that seemed to get to Delphine. It only seemed to be distracting Shay from her own schoolwork.

So, she took it out on Delphine by stealing Cosima away. Not that Cosima was hers to steal from, but Shay knew how much Delphine enjoyed Cosima's company and knew there was no way Delphine could argue.

Delphine dropped her textbook on the floor next to the couch where she was sitting and let the rest of her body drape over the cushions. Closing her eyes, the same person who had been taking up the large majority of her thoughts appeared, once again. It was somewhat routine now, whenever her eyes shut, Delphine had a clear vision of the dreadlocks, silver nose ring, thick-rimmed glasses and clever smile that accompanied her friend.

Sometimes she would push away the thoughts of Cosima, when she was feeling especially responsible, but most of the time she would let her mind take its own course and only stop it when she knew it was going to far. At first, she really only replayed memories they had made – ridiculous tickling that made her feel like a teenager, Cosima's brilliant mind and their wonderous discussions, watching a movie with Cosima, cuddled on the couch with Cosima, cooking with Cosima, and sometimes studying with Cosima.

However, after some time of these memories being played out, she was starting to feel them wear. So, she resorted to memories that would often spiral into other visions of herself and Cosima that didn't necessarily happen – feeling the skin of Cosima's neck on her lips after covering her with flour, cuddling in bed the morning after she apparently kissed Cosima, drying Cosima's rain-soaked clothes the first night they met and blushing at the lacey bra and underwear, Cosima complimenting her body after presumably watching her dress for a moment. The night they danced at the bar. She spent a lot of time on that memory, but it only seemed to bring her to the conclusion that she must have misinterpreted the event or made it all up. Maybe she came to that conclusion because of all the different endings she was making up for it. All of them ended with something a little less than platonic.

Today was one of those days when her daydreaming got out of hand. She was thinking of when, perhaps a month ago, she was in this exact position on the couch, only with Cosima straddling her waist, attacking her sides and leaving Delphine out of breath. As far as she could tell, the memory was innocent enough, but her mind had started to forge an ending to the memory in which Cosima ceases her attack and instead leans down close to Delphine's face, Delphine's hands grasping onto her waist tightly, pulling her closer, eliminating all space left between their bodies – which, at some point become minimally dressed – and Cosima is wearing her lacey undergarments and Delphine…

"Ugh!" She complains loudly in her otherwise silent apartment. This is unhealthy! It's just wrong to objectify a friend like this! Friend…. Hm… I must be some kind of pervert, Jesus, what's wrong with me? Delphine admonished herself, as she'd done plenty occasions before this. But this was why she couldn't concentrate on studying. It was because when the source of these feelings and memories weren't present, she had to fabricate it. If only Cosima could come over so she could study properly, but she knew that would be selfish of her. She could text Cosima, at least, see what she's up to. I shouldn't though. She could see if Cosima would want to go get something to eat, her treat. Shay might think that's too much, though. Shay, her girlfriend… The battle is unwinnable!

Or so she thought.

Not thirty seconds later, her phone starts to ring from somewhere in her bag. She digs for it and the second she sees the word Cosima she answered with a too-quick-too-enthusiastic hello!

"Hey, what's up, baguette?"

"I was just thinking about you, actually!" I shouldn't have said that. I miss you, Cosima.

"Oh really?" She could hear the smile on her voice through the phone.

"Well, I was just…I remembered something, and you were there at the time, and it was…yeah and so I was thinking about that and then you called…" It wasn't her best explanation, but she didn't have the focus for any amount of quality.

"What were you rem–"

"–Uh, why did you call, anyway?" Delphine cut her off quickly. She knew she wouldn't be able to conjure up something half-decent quick enough…that was appropriate, at least. It shouldn't be that hard when Cosima is only a friend.

"I, uh, was just wondering what you were doing I guess…" Cosima sounded awkward, as though she was put on the spot, when it was her who called.

"Nothing, really," Delphine laid back down on the couch, relieved Cosima wasn't pursuing it. "I'm trying to study, I have my first final next Monday, but I can't concentrate".

"Oh man, that sucks. Is there anything I can do?" Cosima sounded sincere – something Delphine liked very much about her. She cared and wasn't afraid to show it.

Yes, come over and cuddle with me and eat all my food and fall asleep on my lap and… "No, I don't think so. I may just need a break from it".

"Yeah! I'm your girl, I'm the best at breaks," Cosima yelled into the phone. Delphine couldn't help but smile like a fool. It could have been from Cosima's enthusiasm, but something struck her when she heard I'm your girl. "I'm coming over". She hung up before Delphine could say anything. It didn't matter, she would have said yes anyway. Cosima knew that. She couldn't think of a time when she really denied Cosima anything.

Delphine looked around her apartment to make sure everything was presentable, which it was. It was nearing 7:30 p.m. and Delphine still hadn't changed into her comfortable clothes, and she usually does that the second she gets home. She was distracted today, though. She was dressed nicely, dark wash jeans, a sleeveless, white blouse, and a simple golden necklace, for a presentation that made up ten percent of her grade. She was self-conscious now, though. Cosima was well aware of her evening routine and if she came over to see Delphine dressed nicely, she may get the wrong idea. Oh well.

Half an hour went by before a rapid, incessant knock rattled Delphine's apartment door. She practically ran to answer it.

"Delphine!" Before she could respond, a pair of arms were wrapped tightly around her waist. It wasn't until then that Delphine recognized Cosima's scent, some mix between herbs and caramel. She knew then that simply remembering events involving Cosima was not enough, not when there was so much more to her. Her scent, the way her voice echoed in Delphine's apartment, the warmth of her body when they embraced, it was more than just a poorly reconstructed memory.

Delphine eventually wrapped her arms over Cosima's shoulders and felt herself breathe easier. Having Cosima there with her gave Delphine's deviant thoughts a little less drive, which she wasn't expecting, but wasn't complaining either.

"Is it socially acceptable that I've missed you, like, a lot, even though we've only been friends for a tiny amount of time?" Cosima asked shyly, stepping out of their position.

"I'm in immunology, not psychology," Delphine backed up to let Cosima in, then closed the door behind her. But I've missed you, too. So much, you wouldn't believe it. I don't believe it! "Would you like anything to eat or drink?"

"Yeah, the only reason I came over is because I was craving carrots and alcohol," Cosima crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. She's so cute.

"There's alcohol," Delphine bantered back, "But no carrots today, unfortunately. Do you want a glass of wine?" Cosima followed her into the kitchen.

"I mean, if you're pouring a glass for yourself, I wouldn't mind one. Dude!" Cosima rushed to the counter by the sink and grabbed the red box sitting on it. "You got popcorn?!"

Delphine smiled, an hour ago she wasn't even sure she'd ever get to share it with Cosima. "Your constant nagging about my food choices got through I suppose". She wasn't even finished with her sentence before Cosima had started the microwave.

"How long of a break are you willing to take?" Cosima ignored her comment and pulled herself up onto the counter. Delphine thought it looked like a very inviting position, but she resisted the urge to go slot herself between Cosima's knees.

"I suppose I could take the rest of the night off…" she held up two bottles of wine for Cosima to choose from.

"Left one," pop, "So, what do you wanna do? Watch a movie? Play cards? Talk about our childhoods, drink the rest of your wine, sit in silence?"

"Popcorn and wine, I think goes best with a movie. What would you like to watch?" Cosima bounced into the living room and turned the television on.

"Well, well, well, what's this?" Delphine stretched to see the screen that Cosima was motioning towards. She couldn't tell at first, but then she saw the little emblem in the corner of the screen. "I didn't know you were a Hallmark fan…"

"Maybe I just haven't turned the t.v. on since you were here last," Delphine defended. She missed their banter.

Two glasses of wine and a Hallmark movie later, Delphine and Cosima were in their regular position on the couch – the one that Delphine had been longing for. Cosima was nearly sleeping through their conversation about their upcoming fall classes, and her random phone call today was bothering Delphine more as the evening passed.

"Cosima," Delphine asked, hearing a hum in return, "Why did you come here?"

At that, Cosima turned her head to look at Delphine. "To get drunk and watch t.v."

A small giggle made it past Delphine's lips as she rolled her eyes. "Yes, but why did you call? I thought you weren't really allowed to…I don't know," Delphine stuttered awkwardly.

"Yeah, Shay never really outright said I couldn't hang out with you, but it was heavily implied. I think my presence was bugging her since she's trying to study so she told me to go hang out with somebody. I told her that I didn't have any friends to hang out with and she was like what about Delphine? So, I called you and now I'm here".

"Well, it should make summer lab a little more tolerable if she's okay with me again," Delphine commented, mostly to herself.

"I have a feeling she thought that, too".

Cosima was still wary about staying the night so she finally left for home around midnight. Delphine felt like she just exhaled after holding her breath for weeks.

Since her visit, Cosima was able to come over again, though not as often as before, and even helped Delphine study. It seemed like she already knew the material that Delphine was studying, even though she was a year ahead of Cosima. They were starting to become more physically comfortable with each other again which brought some conflicting feelings for Delphine. She felt calm and happy and anxious in the moments they were so close, but afterwards she would feel guilty and even irritated. Still, in the moment, there was nothing else she wanted more than to be near Cosima. She never remembered a time she was so wrapped around someone while studying…and otherwise.

Finals came and went, and Delphine passed with higher marks than she usually did, nearing a 4.0 GPA. Since her improvement was almost solely due to Cosima's presence, she agreed to join an end-of-semester celebration. If it was just Cosima, she would have agreed either way, but Shay was the one hosting it, so she was a little more hesitant. Shay invited her though, which was even stranger.

Delphine felt odd being in Shay's apartment for the first time, especially after everything that had happened. There were a few people from their department, like Scott, but Delphine didn't recognize most of the party-goers. She forgot sometimes how popular Shay was. It wasn't a common trait in their department. Delphine would probably have more friends if she wasn't so quiet. Scott had a more active social life than she did.

It really shouldn't, but the pictures Shay had up in her apartment – cute couple photos – made Delphine uncomfortable. She felt like a third wheel in a room of twenty people. Shay was calmer now, but she still had that awful side to her that she let loose on Cosima. She didn't deserve Cosima in the least.

"Hey Del," she heard Shay approach her from the side. She interrupted Delphine before she could respond, "Glad you could make it before summer crap starts. I guess it'll be just you and me in a couple weeks." Delphine nodded politely, conflicted about how nice Shay was being and how nice she wanted to be in return. "I know there was some shit for a while, but I hope we can get along for the next few months. At least for two days of the week".

"I think that's doable," Delphine still wanted to survive the summer, and the best way was to remain securely on Shay's good side. She didn't seem like the type of person who could be reasoned with. Delphine didn't want to reason with her anyway. Their short conversation was already irritating her.

Shay hummed and nodded with a cheap smile. "Any plans before summer starts?"

"Ah, no. It's only two weeks, so there's not much for me to do". She'd say more but she didn't want to open up the conversation any deeper than what it already was. Her parents wanted her to come visit, but she wasn't in the mood lately.

"Bummer," Shay took a sip of her drink, and the little malicious light in her eye twinkled. "I'm going to surprise Cosima with a trip to the beach. My dad owns a little hotel chain, so I'll be booking us a romantic vacation. Just the two of us".

Delphine felt like the comment was directed at her rather than simply casual or informational. As Cosima's friend, it would be normal to feel upset that she was going on a vacation with a lunatic girlfriend. It would be normal to feel frustrated with Cosima for continuing such a worthless relationship. It would be normal for Delphine to be concerned and worried and angry, and she had thought about these normal feelings for so long, especially in the times that she was alone. She thought about how this uncomfortable energy inside of her didn't have the same tint of anxiety it should have if she were just worrying about her friend. She was worried, but the energy obstructing her otherwise stable mood was not a normal friend with normal concern. After too much time spent thinking about was bubbling beneath the surface, Delphine came to her undeniable conclusion.

She was jealous.