Dans Proximité Proche - In Close Proximity Chapter 14: Cette Chienne, an orphan black fanfic

14. Cette Chienne

Cosima: hey. Shay is taking me somewhere…i think for the day… and told me to leave my cell at home…ill text you when we get back…just didn't want you to get worried… :p ttyl

Delphine read Cosima's text for the hundredth time. She got the text on Monday and it was already Thursday morning. Of course, she knew that Shay was taking her to the beach, so she wasn't worried that Cosima was kidnapped, but the fact that she had to leave her phone at home was too much. What if Cosima's family needed to get ahold of her or something?

Delphine knew that it was really just herself who wanted to get ahold of her. Cosima didn't seem very close to her family anyway. It isn't wrong for a friend to be protective. It would be wrong to not be a protective friend, right?

There's that word again, friend. She was Cosima's friend, that's how Cosima thought of her. Whether Delphine felt differently about her or not didn't matter. She had a girlfriend anyway. The problem was that Delphine only knew that she felt differently. She didn't necessarily know what she felt. It was all still irrelevant anyway. So what if she felt more than friendship between herself and Cosima? She wasn't about to pursue someone already in a relationship. And even if she wasn't in a relationship, Delphine wouldn't know how to proceed anyway. How would she vocalize feelings she didn't know the words for?

She should have gone to see her parents. The semester was over and there was nothing to study for. No distractions. She went to the French bakery a few times during the few days without Cosima around – the one she wanted to take Cosima to. Her apartment had been cleaned three times over. All she had to do was worry about everything.

She worried about working with Shay over the summer and worried about her treatment toward Cosima. She worried about Cosima and how she took Shay's treatment so easily. She worried about the feelings she was experiencing without her consent, worried about what the feelings meant, worried that they might affect her friendship with Cosima. Did she only see Cosima's relationship with Shay as something bad because of her feelings toward Cosima? No, Shay was a terrible partner.

What if her feelings weren't real? What if the feelings were just friendly protectiveness, like she first thought, but somehow, she misinterpreted them as something else? What if her feelings were one hundred percent real and she had to go the rest of her life without acting on them? How would she act on them?

There was too much to worry about.

She curled up in bed Thursday evening and scrolled through her texts with Cosima, like she had been doing almost every night. She was past thinking about whether it was unhealthy or not.

Cosima: hey sweets… what you doing? :P

Cosima: delphiiiiiiiine let's go out to eat! I'll get a cheeseburger and you can get a baguette salad..

Cosima: dude I love you 3

Cosima: will you teach me French? Sill vuex plat?

DC: S'il vous plait, my darling. S'il te plait for you.

Cosima: hey gorgeous..what are you doing tonight? ;)

Cosima: oh my god yes, marry me now :D

Cosima: hey frenchy…question…do you put butter on a baguette? :o

Cosima: can I come over?

Cosima: im coming over ;)

Cosima: hey do you have hallmark channel? 333 ;)

Cosima: heyo sexy…movie?

Cosima: what's up sweetness. Lets go do something

Cosima: how busy are you right now ..can your favorite person come over and bug you? :D:D:D:D

Cosima: I have a deal…you teach me French, and ill let you give me all your wine

Cosima: hey, lets make out…fits for the spring parade!

Cosima: for Halloween ill let you be the front half of the horse :P ;)

Cosima: I mean if you really waaant to go clubbing all night long, I suppose I could join you….;)

She fell asleep with her phone still in her hand, same as the last four nights. She knew she was just using it as a mechanism to attempt inducing dreams about Cosima. She didn't have the emotional energy to deny these things anymore. It was pointless in the end. Whether it was unhealthy or not, she was going to do it.

Friday morning, Delphine was woken up by a steady consistent beeping of her phone. She peaked at her screen through sleepy squinted eyes.

(18) Text Message(s)

She quickly unlocked her phone to find all eighteen messages from Cosima, all the same message:

Cosima: Delphine

Delphine typed her response while two more "Delphine" texts arrived.

DC: Cosima

Cosima: Delphine! I'm back…I'm so sorry I thought I would just be gone for the day but it was the whole week. You weren't answering so I thought you were so sad about my absence you just went back to France without me!

Delphine checked the time on Cosima's first message.

DC: You sent the first text 4 minutes ago. I think you may have overreacted too soon.

Cosima: you usually respond within the minute…you were taking like 8 times longer to answer. What was I supposed to do…wait?

DC: :P I would never leave for France without you.

Cosima: youre so sweet. I come over now?

DC: Sure, I'm not doing anything today.

A familiar incessant knock sounded from the front door and Delphine smiled.

"Were you waiting outside my door the entire time?" Delphine opened the door to her apartment and let a chipper Cosima bounce inside.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Delphine felt a pair of chilled arms wrap around her from behind. "Did you miss me?"

"Yes," Delphine didn't mean to sound so serious, but she heard the sadness in her own voice as she spoke. She felt the energy from Cosima drain a little as her head rested on Delphine's shoulder. "Did you have a good time? You seem to be in a good mood".

"Bleh, not really. I'm in a good mood because it's finally over. She took me to the beach, and it was all romantic and everything, but I'm not really into that stuff".

"You prefer to limit your romance to Hallmark?" she can feel Cosima's head tuck down behind her back, a blush probably forming.

"They know how to do it right. What can I say?" she lifts her head again and unlatches from Delphine's back. They walk to the couch together with a routine they hadn't realized they developed. "So, what did you do while I was gone? I mean besides cry over missing me so much?" she teased.

"That was pretty much it," she said in a way that didn't sound very much like joking. She felt sad now for some reason. Cosima was back, she should feel overjoyed. She wasn't though.

"Hey," Cosima's hand rested on her wrist. "Is everything okay?"

Yes? Everything's fine, I think? I'm just depressed because all you can do is hold my arm. I want you to hold my hand like you used to. I want you to hug me from behind when we're out in public, too, not just inside my apartment. And I want to say how much I missed you without sounding like a clingy, crazy, friend. I don't want to have you as a friend. I don't want the limits it requires. I just want you to – "Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. Why do you ask?"

"You just seem down. Is there anything I can do?"

Yes, hold my hand, hug me all over the city, tell me how much you missed me and let me tell you how much I missed you, don't be my friend, just be mine. "No, everything's fine. Do you want something to eat or drink?" Delphine brushes the feeling off and stands up to go to the kitchen.

"Hey," Cosima grabs her hand as she's walking past her, "You can tell me if something's wrong, you know? I don't judge and I want to be there for you, no matter what. You can talk to me, even if I can't do anything to help, sometimes it helps just to talk about it…"

Delphine stared at their hands for a moment, both relishing in the feeling of their intertwining fingers and chastising herself for loving it so much. All she wanted to do was tell Cosima how she felt. Not so Cosima would know, but just so she could tell somebody that would be able to give her advice. She wanted the thought out of her head because it felt like the longer that she kept it locked up, the more likely it would be to rot her mind.

She sighed and, as rapidly as possible, she shared her feelings. "J't'aime d'une manière que je ne devrais pas, et ça me tue de te voir avec cette chienne," she smiled self-deprecatingly as she remembered that, despite Cosima denying knowing French so many times, she obviously had some amount of fluency. She didn't regret what she said, though, which concerned her further.

"I think I heard dog?" Cosima looked sad now, too. Delphine felt bad for bringing down her mood so much. She tried to smile, but she was never really good at fake smiles.

"Let's eat something," she pulled Cosima up and they looked through the kitchen.

Throughout the next week, Delphine avoided Cosima. She felt awful about it, but she would feel worse having to be with her in a way that made her hurt. It wasn't just being with her as a friend that hurt, it was being with her as a friend while she chose to date someone not even close to being worthy of her. Delphine didn't think that she was a better person than Shay, but she would be a better partner. All this time she had been telling herself that she would be a better friend, and although it was true, that wasn't it.

The realization came on too suddenly for her to process. She'd never had feelings for a woman before, she wasn't sure what to do with them. When she had feelings for a man, she didn't need to do anything besides wait for him to ask her out. She felt a little privileged now for having that role. She never had to worry about the approach, she just had to decide whether to accept or not.

Now she had to try to understand a dynamic that had neither of those roles, and no script that she was familiar with. She'd liked men with girlfriends before, but it was simple enough to just leave them alone. She'd even known a man who had a girlfriend worse than Shay – Aden. But it didn't matter because he was a man, he could deal with it, right? Why should she feel any differently about Cosima? Or perhaps why shouldn't she feel the same protectiveness over Aden? Why wasn't there a simple answer?

Perhaps if hers and Cosima's personalities were of a more stereotypical dynamic, it would be easier. But neither of them were especially masculine, and neither were strictly feminine. Cosima and Shay didn't even have those roles. Shay was more feminine with her style and tone, but she was masculine in her aggressiveness and assertiveness. Cosima never really dressed girly, but her gentle, caring demeaner was one of her biggest personality traits.

There was no right answer, there was no set path, and there was no reason to be thinking like that anyways because it just simply didn't matter. Cosima thought of Delphine only as a friend, she specified that within the first few days of them knowing each other. And so what if they touch each other all the time, so what if they almost kissed, so what if the tension in their relationship was tangible – it was only there for Delphine. These feelings weren't mutual, there was nothing to act on, Delphine was alone in this mindset. She was alone in these feelings, she was alone in her impulses, and she was alone in her life.

"Delphine are you okay?" she looked up from her notebook to see Cosima standing at the entrance of the lab. She couldn't think of anything to say. "Why are you crying?"

Delphine was confused for a moment before she noticed the slight burning on her cheeks and the wetness on her notebook. "Oh," was all she could conjure. Cosima made her way over to the desk and grabbed some tissues from the counter. She took a few and thanked Cosima.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Cosima rounded the desk and pulled Delphine into her arms. It felt too perfect to reject, so Delphine wrapped her arms around her waist in return.

"I miss you, Cosima," she whispered through her strained efforts at ceasing her crying.

"I miss you, too. Why haven't you been answering my calls or anything? Did I do something wrong?" Delphine felt so secure in Cosima's tight embrace. She shook her head and squeezed tighter. Cosima didn't say anything for a moment, she just let Delphine calm down in her arms.

Eventually, Delphine pulled out of their hug and sat down at the desk. "I've been thinking too much lately, and it just makes me feel shitty. I don't think about things that will help me feel better, and most of the time they just make me feel exponentially worse," she looked to the ground, afraid tears might start again.

"Well, if those things aren't necessary to think about, I would highly recommend you avoid thinking about them," Cosima wiped some of the moisture off Delphine's cheek and chin and smiled warmly. What would she say if she knew what I was thinking about and that she's the source of the thoughts I hate having? Would she still tell me to avoid them? I'm avoiding her already.

"What are you doing here? I thought your lab days were Monday and Thursday?" Delphine tried changing the topic for both their sakes.

"Yeah, I had my first day yesterday, thanks for asking," Cosima kidded, but Delphine still felt the guilt build up from being a neglectful friend lately. "I'm just here to pick up Shay. You guys are partners, right?"

"Yes, we're partners but she didn't come in today. It's independent so there's no instructor supervision which usually means Shay comes and goes as she pleases".

"Aren't you guys supposed to be working on it together, though? That's what Scott and I are doing…" Cosima sounded concerned but she didn't really seem surprised.

"Yeah…" Delphine scoffed, already familiar with Shay's habitual lack of participation.

"There you are, babe!" They both turn to see Shay jogging into the lab. "Did you just get here?"

"Yeah, I was telling Delphine about mine and Scott's project" Cosima stretched the truth a bit.

"Oh cool, I didn't know you were working with Scott," Delphine noticed a slight eye roll from Cosima, giving her the feeling that Shay had already been told this. "Del and I have been working pretty hard today, right Del? I just went to the bathroom after I got my stuff together," Shay prompted Delphine to agree.

She wasn't quite sure what to do aside from awkwardly glance between Shay and Cosima. "Yeah, that's what she was telling me. Are you ready to go?" Cosima lied. Shay nodded and they headed for the door. Before they disappeared completely, Cosima turned and mouthed "text me" to Delphine.

She wondered why Cosima covered for her own girlfriend's lie. Did she do it to save Delphine from the duty to choose the truth or not? Either way, Delphine was half grateful, and half ashamed that she couldn't be more outspoken. Why was Cosima so comfortable in this deceitful routine?