15. Cracking & Island Monarchies

Shay showed up on Friday for their first week and she would come in intermittently during the following weeks. Sometimes she would come in and out of lab several times in one day. She was never late again at the end of lab when Cosima came to pick her up, though. It apparently never occurred to her to even pretend in front of Delphine. She wondered if that was more of a reflection on Shay or herself.

There was a tiny sliver of a silver lining with all of Shay's mischief: Delphine had to work at the rate of two people most days in lab, so she required an amount of attention that wouldn't allow for any distractions. She would often spend extra time at home doing write-ups that she didn't need lap equipment for just to stay busy. Cosima was busy, too, with her own project. The only week day they both had free was Wednesday. Shay usually took Cosima out on the weekends. She used to invite Delphine, but she declined enough times to make Shay stop offering.

Almost every Wednesday, though, Cosima came over and they watched a movie. Delphine could handle one pre-planned day of being around Cosima. She worked herself up for it emotionally beforehand. She told herself how good of a friend Cosima was, how she should respect Cosima's wishes to just be friends. She shouldn't reach for her hand, she shouldn't stare at her lips, she shouldn't make their hug last longer than necessary, she shouldn't send winking faces through text, she shouldn't call Cosima anything but Cosima, she shouldn't do any of the things she wanted to do.

Wednesday night, though, and almost every other night of the week, Delphine could barely wait to crawl into bed and fall asleep. It seemed that, for every time she kept her hands in her lap, looked away from Cosima's lips, every time she did the right thing as a friend, her dreams would reward her. All of the things she wanted to do were brought to life in her dreams, along with more than she could imagine during the day.

Delphine found her usual emotional stability and reason cracking with every day she had to let go of Cosima ten seconds earlier than she wanted. The calm temperament she kept all her life felt like it was in a constant state of pre-rupture. And the worst of all these was the fact that she didn't care if it was wrong or not anymore. She would be an upstanding friend when Cosima was there, but when she was alone, it didn't seem to matter anymore. It was such a primal feeling that she couldn't even reason herself out of it like she could so many other impulses. She didn't hide or deny the borderline vulgar dreams she was having, she was happy to have them. It wasn't something to endure anymore, it was a respite from her reality of sitting three feet away from the dreadlocked girl instead of right at her side. All she could do was accept she was a bad person for thinking and dreaming these things and then continue thinking and dreaming these things. She felt like she was willingly lighting herself on fire and ignoring any extinguishing devices. Every night's dream was a new lit match, and the occasional morning when the feelings were too much, all she could do was pour gas on the fire while she thought of Cosima in the shower. It was all just an uncontrollable pressure on her body and mind, and the more she went on ignoring it, the more she felt. It was some kind of high pressure, high temperature deviance that she couldn't place as feeling bad or good, only a build up of strain on her well-being.

Crack

A shattering sound echoed in the lab and brought Delphine back to what she was doing. She had enough awareness to realize her petri dish had broken and that Shay was walking towards her, but all she could hear was a dull ringing in her ears and all she could feel was a numbness in her head and hands. She closed her eyes, prepared to just pass out and let someone else deal with the issue. She felt herself being pushed back onto a chair. Then she heard her name being called. It was frantic and didn't have the high pitch nasal tone Shay spoke with.

Cosima?

Delphine opened her eyes with much effort. She felt exhausted for some reason. On the other side of the desk, she saw Shay texting casually, and directly in front of her was the secretary from the main office with a first aid kit. I opened my eyes for nothing.

"Hi, hon. Can you hear me, Delphine?" The secretary gave a little wave as she looked over Delphine's face. She nodded reluctantly, disgruntled about her company. "Good. It looks like you had a bit of an accident with your sample here so we're gonna getcha over to the hospital so they can fix y'up. Okay?"

Delphine nodded again. She glanced down at her hands, "I'm bleeding," she stated in an awkward slur. Her arm felt pressured and it was shaking more than her hands. She looked at the desk beside her where the pieces of glass were piled. She couldn't even remember what she was doing. Which sample was that? She closed her eyes again.

"Okay Delphine, Shay and I are going to the main office to meet the ambulance when they arrive. They'll be here in just a couple minutes".

"Shouldn't I come with you?" she started to get up, but the trembling of her arms wouldn't let her.

"No, dear. You stay seated, the EMTs will come to you. Cosima's going to stay with you," the lady and Shay left, leaving the room silent other than the continuous ringing in her ears.

"Cosima? When is Cosima coming?" Delphine thought out loud.

"She's here," Cosima's face popped out from behind her. She was smiling, but her face was pale with dread. Delphine looked beside her and noticed a pair of hands grasping her arm, trembling. They were holding a band meant to slow blood flow to her hands. She couldn't really tell where she was cut, the blood was thick covering her hands, most of it dried already. Delphine gathered enough thought to put together that the hands around her arm belonged to Cosima and the hands around her arm was the cause of the majority of her shaking. "What? Not happy to see me?" she joked.

"No, I'm not" Delphine pouted lazily. She felt dizzy and tired, and she was starting to make out a sense of stinging in her hands.

"Ouch, what'd I do?" Cosima asked, stepping in front of her to push some of the hair from her face.

"This's all your fault. If I hadn't been distracted by you, I wouldn't have been…distracted and broken the thing…"

"Alright, I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that you were distracted by me and then proceeded to crush a piece of glass in your hand…" she was kidding. Delphine could tell that much before her eyes closed again.

Shay: Stay home Del. You need to heal, and you seem upset lately anyway. Take a break. I got lab today. Plus, I don't want you coming in here and smashing the rest of our samples :) take it easy.

It was odd having Shay sound so kind. Even before she knew how much of a jerk Shay was to Cosima, the woman had never really been kind. Maybe she was asked to do it. The advisor for the projects probably asked her to text Delphine. Shay was competent in lab when she actually showed up, so Delphine wasn't too worried about that. She still wanted to check on her remaining samples, though. She'd do it at some point.

Her hands were sore, but it didn't sting or hurt that much anymore. It had been a few days since she cut them. She felt embarrassed, especially because she was just distracted by her own sexual frustrations and it ended in injury – a visit to the ER. She got ten stitches altogether. Four on one hand and six on the other. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't squeezing the life out of the glass.

Although she still felt disconnected – a combination of shock and drugs – she also felt a little calmer. It was something to focus on aside from Cosima. Apparently working overtime in lab wasn't enough to distract her. The Cosima daze was mostly broken, but only because she couldn't climb out of her new state of detachment. She felt like the world wasn't as solid as it used to be, though, as if she could put her hand on the wooden table, and it would sink down like a pillow. It was unnerving.

Shay told her to take the whole week off, but it was Wednesday morning and she felt restless and nervous about her project. They were over a month in, making it impossible to start over at this point. Their grade was determined by the success of their samples and Delphine had already destroyed one from her set. She would go in during their lab time tomorrow and write a few notes to take home.

Cosima was going to stop by for a checkup during the day. She wanted Cosima to stay for a movie like she usually did on Wednesdays, but Cosima thought it would be best for her to just rest. Delphine didn't agree with that opinion. Sleeping all day wasn't going to do anything to help. She would keep relatively busy whether Cosima was there or not.

Around noon, there was a knock at the door. "It's open," Delphine yelled from the bedroom, finishing up some laundry.

"You know you shouldn't keep that open. What if it was a murderer out there instead of me?" Cosima walked into the room and dropped onto the bed.

"I recognize your knock," Delphine smiled back at her.

"Dude what are you doing up, you should be resting," Cosima pulled Delphine by her wrist until she sat next to her.

"I'm not sick, Cosima, I'm just injured. I don't see the point of being sedentary".

"You could have accidentally hooked one of those hangers in your bandage and torn it off and bled all over and then I'd have to clean it all up and it would just be a pain for me," she seemed nervous despite her typical sarcasm.

"If I make a bloody mess, I will clean it up. How's that?" She looked at her bandaged hands for a moment.

"Delphine," she whined. "Just take it easy, woman. Relax, it'll make me feel better. Here," Cosima turned and pushed back on Delphine's shoulders, forcing her to lay back onto her bed. She hovered over the woman for a moment, suspended in thought it seemed.

"What?" Delphine asked airily.

"You're so beautiful, but why do you look so sad?" Cosima seemed sad as well. Delphine knew it was probably mostly her own fault. She was the one making Cosima feel so bad lately.

"I'm fine," she inspected Cosima's face, every detail she could see. Her lips were glossier today than normal.

Cosima's eyes jumped between Delphine's eyes and lips. The excitement Delphine used to feel at close moments like this had been conditioned well enough to suppress itself until later. She only felt a heavy numbness looking at Cosima.

"I don't think I am, Delphine. I'm not fine," Delphine attempted to speak but she stuttered on various sounds instead, lost on what to say. Delphine studied how Cosima's eyebrows knitted up and her breath quickened like she was scared.

Delphine gathered herself enough to ask what was wrong, but before she got her whole sentence out, Cosima's lips were occupying hers. She felt the tension in her neck and shoulders release and the stale air inside her lungs warm. She exhaled the grime building up over the months and inhaled Cosima's herb and caramel scent, enjoying the sweetness she tasted while she kissed her. She grasped behind Cosima's neck and pulled her down further until there was no space between them. Her hands stung through her bandages, but she hardly noticed.

"Delphine?" Cosima was suddenly hovering over her again. She waited for an answer.

"What?" Delphine bit her lip to keep from crying at the disappearance of treasured body sensations.

"I asked why you look sad, but then you just kinda zoned out," she sighed. "I don't know that you would tell me anyways…" Cosima sat back and faced toward the closet instead of Delphine.

"Cosima…" Delphine tried to explain but knew she couldn't.

"I know we really haven't been friends for that long, but I want you to trust me, Delphine. I feel so useless. I don't have to know what's specifically going on, but at least tell me how you're feeling or what I can do or if you just…I don't know, I just want to make you happy, Delphine." She started to turn back to look at the blond but paused. "Dude, stop," Cosima reached for both of Delphine's hands that she hadn't realized she had balled up into fists.

"Merde," she started to feel the sting on her injuries. Moisture was building up in her eyes and she could sense the sobs forming in her throat. Delphine sat up quickly and went to the restroom mumbling something about a first aid kit.

Cosima followed her and, once Delphine sat on the side of the tub with the box, she stole it and took over. "Okay, let's see," Cosima unwrapped the dirty bandage and threw it in the sink. The stitches were in tact but there was a small amount of blood that leaked through on her hands. "Delphine, one of the hugest things these are for is so that you don't keep bleeding. Are you even supposed to keep bandages on your hands? What did the doctor say?"

"I don't remember, I just felt like they should be covered. It was all I had," Delphine felt exhausted again. Cosima seemed to catch on as well.

She grabbed a wet cloth and started to dab at the blood around the stitches while Delphine watched. "You are a trouble-maker, you". Delphine smiled, relieved Cosima didn't stay upset for very long.

"I met someone," Delphine started nervously. Cosima glanced up at her, prompting her to continue. "I met someone that I think I like. A lot. But they are already dating someone else".

"Why is it causing you so much trouble?" Cosima paused her cleaning for a moment.

"I just don't like having the feeling there. It doesn't feel good to watch and only be a friend. And sometimes I think that I don't actually like this person, I just think I do because of their situation, kind of. But also, just the nature of the person, it makes it hard for me to accept the feelings because they're so unfamiliar…if that makes any sense," Delphine stared at her hand the entire time, unable to meet Cosima's eyes.

"That makes total sense. What's bad about their nature, like what makes the feeling so unfamiliar? Haven't you ever liked someone before?" Cosima went back to her cleaning, moving onto drying.

"There's nothing bad about their nature, just different from mine, or what I thought mine was. It makes the feelings different – for me at least. I don't know, really. They…they are wonderful and funny and amazing and so smart. Sometimes I feel like I know for sure how much I like them, but other times I feel like I'm just constructing it in my own head". She sighed as Cosima started putting new bandages on from the first aid kit, despite not knowing whether or not they were even necessary.

"So, they have a different personality type than your used to or something?" Delphine shook her head. "I don't want to jump to conclusions or whatever, but just considering your phrasing here, I have an idea what this 'nature' thing might be…" Cosima smiled slyly and squinted at Delphine suspiciously.

"I…" Delphine blanked, again.

"Is this an orientation thing? Do you like someone who's not a boy?" Cosima moved onto the next hand.

Delphine wasn't sure what her answer would give away. So far, Cosima didn't seem mad or put off, though. "I think so…" she wanted so badly to look down to her hands again, but she couldn't take her eyes off of Cosima's.

"I don't think that feeling is too uncommon. When I first realized a had a crush on a girl, I just thought I loved being her friend so much that I wanted to kiss her, you know. It's hard to tell sometimes when society tells you that those feelings don't exist for normal people and you've been a normal person all your life. My parents always told me something along those lines. I was kind of confused so, when I told them about the girl I liked, they said that those were just friend feelings. But if I felt like that for any of the boys in my class, I'm sure they would've told me to use protection or something".

"How do your parents feel about you being gay now? Have they changed since then?" Delphine never thought about Cosima not being who she was, openly and honestly. She couldn't imagine Cosima having to hide parts of her personality.

"I moved hundreds of miles away from my parents to live with a girlfriend who cheats on me – what do you think they think of the gays?" Cosima chuckled with a hint of resentment. At least she was able to reject her parents' hurtful behavior. Shay was a different story. "Sorry, this kind of turned into a conversation about me," Cosima finished repacking the first aid kit and set it on the counter.

Delphine stared at Cosima for a moment before pulling her into a tight hug. Was anyone decent to Cosima? Did she really have to choose the lesser evil instead of happiness?

"Hey, careful. I just redid your stupid hands," Cosima wrapped her arms around Delphine and they both seemed to calm down quite a bit.

"Please stop being with her, Cosima," Delphine said quietly, but loud enough to be heard. Cosima sniffled and Delphine held her tighter. A few seconds passed and Delphine could feel the wetness of tears soak through the fabric on her shoulder.

"I fucking hate Minnesota," she felt Cosima's stomach clench with a silent sob as she tucked her head next to Delphine's neck. "Like, I just want to be warm and it's just so cold here Delphine. I just want to be somewhere warm where I can be happy. I want something completely different from this shithole life I ended up with and I want all the shitty people to just be somewhere else for once. Just an island with the people who aren't fuckheads," Cosima's silent sobs turned into quiet chuckles.

Delphine pulled back, more than slightly concerned. "Why…are you laughing?"

Cosima wiped the tears off her chin and smiled. Delphine wasn't sure if it was a happy smile or a mental break smile. "Will you make me a fuckhead-free island?"

Delphine smiled. "Of course. Who would you like on your island?"

Cosima sniffled again and wiped the rest of the tears from her face. She thought for a moment, "Obviously you will be queen and…I think Scott would make a good jester?"

"You'd like me to be the ruler of your fuckhead-free monarchy island and you'd like Scott to make jokes?" Delphine laughed awkwardly.

"Half-ruler. I'd be the king, of course. And Scott would be our only citizen until we find more non-fuckheads".

Delphine smiled warmly. She felt better even without solving her problems. They must be two very odd people if they both just sobbed in each other's arms on the side of a bath tub and then jumped to laughing about their pretend island. She held the sides of Cosima's neck and leaned in to kiss her cheeks. It felt so good after not doing it for over a month.

"Goodbye kisses? Are you leaving?"

"Well," Delphine sighed happily, "I do have an island to build you".

"Fuck you, no, I just redid your mangled hands," Cosima shook her finger in Delphine's face. "Wait until they're healed…then build our island. I'll let Scott know".