17. Some Plummeting
"I just thought you should know what your 'friend' is really after, babe. Don't worry, I never reciprocated," Shay said with a voice Delphine didn't even recognize.
"Cosima, it's not what–" she was gone. Delphine heard the clacking of her boots as she ran down the hall. She went to run after her, but Shay pushed her out of the way and left first.
Delphine found herself in an empty, silent lab. Her best friend thought that she wanted to be with Shay, that Delphine was using her the whole time somehow. It felt like the first time she returned to her apartment after Cosima left, like stagnant air. She stood there in the middle of the lab with nothing to do or feel anymore.
Delphine wasn't surprised to find Shay absent from the last day of lab. She finished the summary on her own with ease. She cleaned up their entire work area. She disposed of everything properly, she sterilized the equipment, she put everything away.
She spent the following weeks between summer session and fall semester trying to get ahold of Cosima. She texted nearly every day. Every time she called, it went straight to voicemail. Blocked. She couldn't bring herself to go to Shay's apartment.
Did Cosima really believe Shay's story that easily? She knows what kind of person Shay was and what kind of person Delphine was. Shouldn't that make a difference? What kind of evil, insane, sick person was Shay to do something like that? Delphine became less worried about the nature of her relationship with Cosima and more worried about the existence of any kind of relationship. She didn't feel depressed – she felt scared.
She wasn't able to prepare well for fall semester. She was just too distracted. She felt the pain of a harsh breakup with only the evidence of a lost friendship. It wasn't fair that Shay won.
Delphine had three courses for fall – the last classes of her education. She would have her PhD soon. She wondered again about her future. If she stayed in America, she would have to be reminded of Cosima every day. If she left for France, she may never have the chance to see her again. She just wanted to sit down with Cosima and explain.
Maman: Tu es toujours le bienvenu chez moi, mon amour.
DC: J'ai une question, maman. Que penses-tu des lesbiennes ?
Maman: Ton père et moi ne nous sommes jamais souciés de ces choses. Tu sais, ton oncle était gay pendant un moment.
DC: Et si j'étais comme ça, maman?
Maman: Peu importe avec qui vous vous retrouvez. Il ou elle a juste besoin de vous rendre heureux.
Maman: Et il ou elle doit être gentil.
Maman: Et il ou elle doit t'aimer.
Maman: Et vous devez faire de moi une grand-mère!
DC: Ok. Je te parlerai plus tard maman. Je t'aime.
Delphine put her phone away when she heard the teacher walk in. Mr. Mayer was one of her favorites. He was old fashioned in some ways but also very silly. She had him for Microbiology I as well. He took attendance – she was always in the first ten names or so, so she zoned out for the rest of the names. That is until there was a significant change in tone when Mr. Mayer got to Niehaus.
"Cosima! Is that you?" He spoke to a dreadlocked girl in the second row.
"No, sir. You must be thinking of a different dark-haired, eccentric Cosima Niehaus who's into science…" Delphine could hear that she was smiling. Mayer went on with roll after shaking his head at her sarcasm.
Delphine missed her. She missed her more now. She hadn't forgotten that they had this class scheduled together, but she was still startled. It was the only class Delphine had this semester with a mixture of grad and undergrad students – the rest of her classes were small groups of grad students. I wonder if Cosima looked at me when she heard my name. Did she feel anything? Anger still?
When the hour ended, Delphine rushed to put her things away so she could try to catch Cosima. By the time she looked up from her bag, she was gone. Delphine left for home.
Monday night, Delphine thought about being stereotypical and watching Hallmark for hours on end, but she never ended up turning the television on at all. She lounged on her couch and ignored her homework.
Tuesday night, Delphine thought about buying carrots and popcorn to remind herself of silly memories with Cosima, but she never even left her apartment. She lounged on her couch and ignored her homework.
Wednesday night, Delphine thought about getting two glasses of wine and drinking by herself, but she couldn't muster the energy to wash her pile of dishes. She lounged on her couch and ignored her homework.
Thursday night, Delphine thought about texting Cosima a long paragraph explaining the whole event, but she knew that her messages would never get through. She lounged on her couch and ignored her homework.
Friday night, Delphine thought about going to class and trying to forget about Cosima, but she never made it out of her place and Cosima never made it out of her thoughts. She lounged on her couch and ignored her homework.
Six weeks went about the same. Cosima came to class just five minutes late every day so there was no intercepting her before Mr. Mayer started, and she already had her things packed by the time he was finished with his lesson. Delphine tried every day still, but she put less and less effort into it as the weeks went on.
Delphine sat at the desk she had claimed as hers while Mr. Mayer handed back their midterms. She scrolled through old texts.
DC: Please can't you just talk to me?
DC: This is a misunderstanding and I just don't want to do this over text
DC: Can't you see this doesn't make sense? The picture was taken out of context, it was a whole thing and that was just a snapshot. If you saw the whole thing you would understand
DC: You know I'd never do anything to hurt you right?
DC: Please just let me explain. I don't want us to stop being friends.
DC: I miss you Cosima, please talk to me. Anything?
Cosima: Please don't contact me again.
"Alright then, look at your grades. If you see a star by your grade, please come to my office hours by Friday. I'll see everyone on Wednesday". Delphine looked at her midterm. A red pen circled her grade: 68%. There was a small asterisk next to it. She was an odd kind of disappointed. She figured she couldn't actually be disappointed because it's not like she wasn't expecting it, but she still had the feeling. She packed her bags and didn't even look to make sure Cosima had already gone. She knew she was.
Delphine knew exactly why she needed to go to Mr. Mayer's office hours. She was sure there were others in the class who received a D or lower, but the difference was that she never got anything below an 80%. She decided to get it over with and go to his office hours the next day after her morning class.
Delphine ambled through the professors' hallway, dripping from the rain she walked through to get there. Mr. Mayer's office door was open. She knocked twice on the door before entering.
"Ah, Delphine, have a seat," Delphine sat. "Let's have a look at your grades, shall we?" He opened his filing cabinet and took out a few folders, then brought up Delphine's student profile on his computer.
"Sorry about my attendance lately," Delphine mumbled, hoping the shame came through more than the apathy.
"Please wait in the hall," he said to a student presumably also coming to his office hours. "That's alright, Delphine. I know you've always been a dedicated student. That's actually why I wanted to talk with you. Since you started your graduate program with us, you've shown only excellence and diligence. You've been one of the best students in our entire department. That's what makes me worried. This semester, I see your grades have plummeted, not only in my class, but also in your others. You've worked on material much more advanced than this, Delphine".
"I apologize for my recent…plummeting. I will try my best to correct it," Delphine just wanted to leave. She didn't feel too comfortable with someone noticing and looking into her failure.
"Delphine, I've known you for several years now. There has to be something more than just not paying attention in class. You know we have counselors at the health center if you're having a hard time with something in your personal life, or academically. You can even talk to me if something is wrong. I just don't want you to throw away your years of hard work. Is there something I can do to help? What's going on, Delphine?"
Delphine sighed, she wanted to talk about this to somebody more than anything. "I wanted something for a very long time. Irreparable damage was done and no matter how hard I want to, I can't fix it. I'm sorry this has taken precedent over my academic performance. I will do better to focus". Delphine felt like a robot when she said it, but it was the only way she could express her feelings without having them. Otherwise, she surely would have cried.
"Look, Delphine. If you don't do extraordinary for the final, I don't think you will pass this class". He gave her a concerned expression. It made Delphine frustrated for some reason.
"I will do better," she said with the same tone and got up to leave.
"Okay, Delphine. But I really hope you mean it," Delphine looked to the ground, "Please send the next student in," she nodded and left.
Right outside the door were a couple chairs for students. A boy that she didn't recognize from her class sat in the first and Cosima sat in the second. She stared at her hands and avoided Delphine's gaze. "You can go in," she said to the boy. He nodded and grabbed his backpack before entering the office. She started walking, it was no use to try with Cosima.
"Don't fail your classes, Delphine," she heard Cosima say in a small voice, still staring at her hands. It had been a long time since she heard her voice at all. She looked back at the girl for a moment before taking a couple steps toward her.
"Cosima, I'm not going to try to talk to you anymore. Please come to class on time and don't be worried about it," Delphine said somberly. She turned just as Cosima's watery eyes looked up at her. She kept walking, knowing she wouldn't be able to keep her word if she looked at her.
Delphine tried not to think about why Cosima could have been going to office hours. She was brilliant and didn't seem to be in a bad mood aside from avoiding Delphine. Cosima did start showing up on time after that. She listened to Mr. Mayer talk until the very end before she started putting her things away instead of rushing to get away from Delphine.
Delphine started to feel guilty for how much pressure she must have been putting on Cosima. She had made it clear she didn't want Delphine to talk to her, but she kept insisting on trying. She should've been more considerate.
During the final month or so of fall semester, Delphine started to notice Cosima glancing back at her every now and then. There was one time it looked almost like she was going to come talk to her. She didn't. At least the hostile tension was gone for the most part. She hadn't seen Shay anywhere on campus since summer.
It was getting colder as December approached. Delphine always missed home in the winter. Lille never really got that cold – not as cold as Minnesota. She was thinking more about returning to France after graduating. She would at least be used to the loneliness there.
She looked at her phone again while she waited for the professor to hand out the final exam.
Cosima: Please don't contact me again.
"Please turn off and put all electronics away. Clear your desks of everything but a number two pencil and scratch paper. Do not flip the exam over until I say. Write clearly, print your name at the top along with your student ID number. You may leave after you're done". Delphine turned her phone off and shoved it into her bag on the floor.
She took her time with every question – not because she wanted to be thorough, but because she couldn't remember what she read seconds after finishing the sentence. Perfectly logical and simple questions were too complicated to understand. She wasn't even sure if she studied. Don't contact her ever again in her life? There were ten pages of questions, some were even true or false, easy. Was it an angry don't contact me again or a sad one? The exam should have gone smoothly, she must not have studied. Did Shay make her say that or does she really want nothing more to do with me? A year ago, she would have aced this test and finished within a half-hour. She finally turned her exam in after an hour and forty-five minutes. Delphine looked back at the few people still working frantically on their final exam. Cosima was already gone. She didn't even notice her leave.
As Delphine made her way to the door, she could only think about buying a pack of cigarettes. It had been so long since she'd smoked and she needed it now, desperately. That was her last class with Cosima. She would only see her in random passing now, if ever. She stopped just before opening the doors. Snow was falling, she could see through the windows. She really needed a cigarette now – she still had to walk home.
Umbrella-less, she pushed the doors open and let the cold bite at her nose and ears. She started in the direction of the nearest gas-station.
"Delphine wait".