18. Options

"Where're you going?" She stopped when there was a tug at her sleeve.

She turned to see a bundled up Cosima looking at her. "Uhm, why?" she knew it sounded bitchy, but she didn't want to let her guard down just yet.

"I, uh, wonder if I could join you. I thought we could talk?" she wore a puppy-dog eyes type of face that Delphine missed terribly.

No, I've wanted to talk for months but you pushed me completely out of your life. You didn't give me the chance to explain the story you only know a fraction of. You wrote me off when I've been better to you than Shay's ever been and believed her when she lies to you constantly. You were one of the few people on Earth that I trusted and liked being around, then you disappeared. And it wasn't enough that you disappeared – you had to hate me, too. "Sure," she said instead.

They started walking awkwardly next to each other, "So…how do you think you did?"

I think I failed because all I can think about is what you think about me. I think I failed because I haven't been able to concentrate or be happy or feel anything for months. "I'm not sure, how about you?"

"Oh, fine, I guess. I finished quickly, but that usually means I didn't do well for some reason," she said with a chuckle. Delphine was confused but maintained a low level of interest. She hummed in response. "Where are you headed? Isn't your place that way?" she pointed to the left.

"I'm making a stop at the gas-station first. The school convenience store, unfortunately, does not sell cigarettes," she said in no particular tone.

"I didn't know you smoked".

"I don't, really. I haven't smoked in a couple years. I need something to calm my nerves, though".

"Oh okay," they walked a few more steps before Cosima stopped again. "Wait!"

"What?" Delphine was still putting up her best front, but she spoke a little softer now.

"I know this is such a shitty time for me to offer this, especially since we haven't talked in so long, but I do happen to have an alternative in my bag?" Cosima shrugged her shoulders.

Delphine wore a puzzled expression. Cosima held her thumb and index finger to her lips and then blew her hand away – Delphine understood. "I don't know…"

"If you're uncomfortable with the activity, totally fine, but I have more than enough to share," Cosima looked more like she was pleading than offering.

"I guess that would save some money," she turned and began walking in the direction of her apartment. Cosima skipped up next to her.

"Oh no, I'll charge you," as much as she didn't want it to, a smile crept up on Delphine's lips.

"Okay, not too much since this is your first time. Just take a short drag and hold it for a sec before exhaling," Cosima lit the joint in Delphine's mouth. It tasted much different from cigarettes, but she couldn't place it as better or worse. She liked the taste of cigarettes.

They smoked for a few minutes, Cosima much more than Delphine, next to the window behind Delphine's couch. It could have been how little Delphine actually inhaled or the degree of stress she was under, but Delphine didn't feel much different aside from a little lighter.

"I'm sorry for being a bitch," Cosima said after a while of silence.

Delphine turned her head from the darkening sky to look at Cosima. "It's fine, I guess," she said, leaning her head on the window frame.

"I unblocked your number after a couple weeks. I planned on calling or texting or something, but I didn't know how. I read your texts, though. There was a lot of them. You probably don't remember what you sent to–"

"–I go through our messages almost every day," Delphine said without hesitation. Cosima looked down at her hands, playing with her rings. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Oh," she looked back up at Delphine nervously. "Just…you know…the thing that happened. Over the summer. You're right, I really don't know what went down and Shay's really good at making things look bad…"

"She is a mastermind," Delphine got up to sit on the couch. Cosima followed after a moment of silence.

"If you want to tell me what happened, I'm ready and willing to listen. Like actually listen," she sat at the other end of the couch. Not like they used to, side by side.

Delphine took a breath, trying to sort out her thoughts. "You knew Shay was cheating on you, right? A lot?" Cosima nodded slowly. "Well, she had some girl in the lab when she thought I was going to be home recovering," she held up her now-healed hands, "and Shay's hand was down the girls pants when I walked in. I also was very drowsy at the time, so my mind was working a little slower than normal. I just got angry I guess and I think I was trying to leave so I could tell you, but then Shay grabbed me and we ended up against the wall and she kissed me before I could think to move," Delphine explained as quickly as she could.

"That's…" Cosima started but couldn't seem to get a proper sentence out.

"Oh, and she must have had the girl who was with her take a video of the whole thing so she could blackmail me or whatever. She knew I wouldn't want you to ever see that so…yeah blackmail, I guess?"

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Cosima was starting to look upset.

"I tried. After that, Shay made sure I never got the chance to see you and I really didn't want to do it over text," Cosima nodded and seemed to calm down. "Anyway, after that incident, Shay kept bringing people in during lab. I always kept focused on my work so I wouldn't have to deal with it, and I know I should have said something or done something, but it was overwhelming. That's why I snapped at her that last week of lab. Our instructor came in and she was hitting on him and I just ended up yelling at her. You came in just as I was begging her to let you go since she can't stay faithful for even a week and then you could be with someone who loves you and doesn't sleep around and doesn't abandon you to drink with her friends and doesn't say awful things to you for just living and doesn't try to control everything in your life and doesn't–"

"–Delphine, it's okay," Cosima moved to scoop Delphine up in her arms. She sobbed for a moment, worked up from speaking so quickly about the heavy emotions she hadn't worked through. She felt so much better in Cosima's arms.

Cosima stroked her hair and held her tight until she stopped crying. "I'm sorry Cosima, I really failed you as a friend," Delphine pulled back and wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"Dude don't blame yourself for not being able to fix a relationship that's been broken for years. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I'm the one who pretends not to know even when it's obvious". Cosima combed her fingers through Delphine's hair, some of it wet from her crying.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about everything sooner. I should have just texted you. And I'm sorry for harassing you after you saw that picture," Delphine couldn't seem to take her eyes off her wringing hands.

"So the girl you were talking about, the one you thought you liked who was in a relationship, that wasn't Shay?"

"God no!" Delphine shouted a little louder than she intended.

"Well, that's mostly the reason I was mad at you. I thought you liked Shay and you were pointing out all the negative stuff so you could be with her".

"Cosima, there's not much else besides negative stuff to point out in the first place," Delphine managed a glance up to Cosima's eyes. She didn't look mad, but there was a wall up.

"Why was it so important to you to keep the picture a secret that you put up with Team Horny setting up camp in your work space? I'm kind of confused about the purpose of it, but I don't know how to verbalize my confusion, you know?" Cosima started twirling the rings on her fingers again.

"I don't know. It worked, didn't it? You shut me out, you hated me," Delphine thought she needed to cry, but all she felt was the numbness that had taken over her for the past few months. She closed her eyes, "It killed me".

Cosima was silent for a while. Delphine exhaled, exhausted. "I promise, life isn't this shitty every time you smoke weed," Delphine looked up to see Cosima's smile and dark brown eyes comforting her.

"Cosima, the reason it was so important to me that you didn't think it was Shay I liked is because her girlfriend is the person I liked. Still like," Delphine felt her cheeks warming, but it was a conflicting feeling. It was a sad confession, not an embarrassing one. She kept her head down, but she wasn't sure if it was shame that made her or something else.

Cool hands pressed against her warm cheeks, raising her gaze up to meet Cosima's eyes. She had yet another expression Delphine couldn't place. Her thumbs stroked underneath Delphine's eyes, dry, but still irritated from crying. Cosima searched her face silently, perhaps wanting to say something but not able to. Delphine hoped Cosima wasn't mad or feeling awkward, but overall Delphine hadn't put a lot of weight to her words. It was just stating a fact, she wasn't asking Cosima for anything, just passing on information.

Cosima tilted her head and chastely kissed Delphine, a peck. It seemed to be a sympathy kiss. There was a sadness that Delphine felt with it. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Delphine raised her eyebrow at Cosima. "First of all, I thought it was more than obvious. Second, it wouldn't matter because you have Shay. And third, I actually did tell you a few times, just not in a way that you would understand".

"You French bitch," Cosima slapped her cheek playfully. Delphine laughed, genuinely. She felt happier just to have said it. Or maybe she was happier because Cosima kissed her. A real kiss that Delphine didn't just make in her head, a kiss she was awake for.

"Why did you kiss me?" Delphine broke eye contact again, this time she felt embarrassed. She really did want to know, but she didn't want to hear Cosima confirm her suspicions that the kiss was just for the moment, out of guilt or pity.

"Why did you tell Shay to break up with me?" Cosima's smile was audible in her question. She didn't sound accusing.

"Because she doesn't deserve to have you and you don't deserve to be just an accessory. She was sleeping with everyone anyway, there wasn't a good point in making you stay with her aside from control".

"Oh," Cosima still had her cheeks captured. "You were supposed to say 'so you and me could be together forever and ever' duh".

"You and I," Delphine corrected.

"Shut up, Frenchie," Cosima shook a pointing finger in her face. Delphine rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Wait, what? Why would I say that?" Delphine felt stupid for missing that.

"Oh my God," Cosima shook her head and smiled. The smile disappeared quickly though, and Cosima looked deep in thought. She sighed, "I met Shay during my first few years of college. She was a lot different then. Kind of. My parents hated her, they thought she was, like, a ho or something. At the time, though, I really loved her, and I didn't want to see past that. Plus, my parents hated me anyway. I don't know if it was me being gay or getting a nose ring or whatever, they just looked at me like they were disappointed and disgusted all the time. Probably the nose ring," Cosima smiled, but kept her eyes down. "I think half the reason I stay with her is just to show my parents up or something. She got possessive pretty soon but ended up moving back here. She's originally from here, she just did some school in San Fran, but didn't like it. I stayed back obviously – I didn't really have the resources to move with her. We stayed together, though, and it worked out better. That's telling, I guess. A little over a year ago, my parents were starting to get shittier. It was just really hard to take, and I didn't want to be in San Francisco anymore. Shay said it was cool that I come live with her and finish school," Delphine listened intently.

"What were your parents doing?" Delphine asked softly. Cosima just shrugged her shoulders.

"I just kept saying to myself that Shay was better than them, that her shit was more tolerable than theirs because at least she was nice to me some of the time". Cosima stopped and was silent for a moment.

"Cosima, you don't always have to choose the less-shitty thing. Live somewhere that makes you happy and be with people who make you happy. Your parents and Shay aren't the only options you have," Delphine didn't know what to feel. She wanted to just order Cosima to leave Shay, but she wasn't going to force her – she wasn't going to just be another Shay. No matter how much Cosima needed to end it, it had to be her choice.