19. Hard Things

"What are my other options, then?" She looked up at Delphine, a serious expression on her face.

Delphine sighed, unable to figure out what Cosima was really asking, "They're endless". She thought about the kiss again, the real one. She looked at Cosima's lips, trying to remember what it felt like. It was so fleeting, though. It was a quick warmth that only left her lips cold again.

She wanted to pull Cosima to her and just kiss her. She wanted to kiss her until she could never forget what it felt like, what she tasted like, everything. She wanted to be able to roam Cosima's body freely or just hold her hand. She wanted to be the person to treat Cosima the way she deserved to be treated – to be closer to her than anyone else.

But she couldn't. She already thought so low of herself for having chronic fantasies steal chunks of time from her day, she didn't need to add an affair to her case. If she did what she wanted, she would be no better than Shay. Besides, she wanted Cosima as a whole, not just the parts that weren't being occupied by Shay at that moment. She wanted to be with Cosima and Cosima to be with her.

Delphine walked Cosima downstairs and saw her off at the lobby door. She kissed her cheeks properly rather than her more intimate alternative. Cosima seemed to notice. She watched Cosima walk away, she watched her look back several times, and then she walked back up to her apartment.

It was official: Delphine failed two of her Fall classes. She was able to register for Spring semester in time, but she still felt sick when she saw how poorly she had done. Her friendship with Cosima seemed to be restored which would probably help her academic performance. Although, she did feel more distracted by Cosima than she was before – the focus Cosima brought her wasn't nearly as strong. She was relieved they were friends again, but also disappointed that Cosima wouldn't just leave Shay. She was only ever mean to Cosima. A rare moment of forged affection might appear, but Cosima didn't mean anything but control to her. Now that Delphine had felt a genuine kiss from Cosima, her impulses were becoming more impatient, their containment in immediate danger.

Delphine tried her best to stay on task during class, but it was proving very difficult. The first few weeks of the semester were agonizing. She copied down the same notes, listened to the same lectures, did the same assignments. Thankfully, she had "Mike" again. He was a good teacher. Cosima had a full schedule since she was nearly done with her degree. One more summer session and she would graduate with her doctorate. If she actually worked properly for the semester, Delphine was on track to receive her doctorate at the end of Spring.

She was at least grateful that she could stay in school a while longer with Cosima. They didn't see each other often, but Delphine would visit her in the lab when she could. They avoided talking about Shay, not unlike when they had first met. The same reason applied, as well: they wanted to pretend she didn't exist. The advantage of Shay's constant affairs was that it made pretending she didn't exist quite easy. It still frustrated Delphine because she knew Cosima hated the relationship and refused to take action, but it was also tolerable because she got to see Cosima.

With Cosima spending more time with Delphine than with Shay, coming over to her apartment whenever she could, sitting next to each other in lab while Cosima worked and she did homework, the semester went fast. Delphine felt good about her midterms, especially since she had taken them both already the semester before. Cosima seemed to do well with everything. Delphine loved watching her work, most of all in the lab. She would shove her glasses up to use the microscope and have an unbreakable concentration. Even when she knew Delphine was staring at her, she would wait until she was done with her task before turning to wink or stick her tongue out. She was amazing.

"Delphine," Cosima said while writing observations, "Finals are coming up and despite only having two classes, I've noticed you engaging in studying for about zero minutes since you sat down". She looked over at Delphine with a sinister little smile.

"You don't know that," Delphine defended rather weakly. Cosima grabbed her notebook from the other side of their work station and slid it over to Delphine. She read Cosima's observations.

2:30PM – Delphine has arrived

2:42PM – Delphine has finally opened her backpack to take her shit out instead of 'playing on her phone'

2:58PM – Delphine has started taking interest in my project

3:06PM – Delphine is not interested in my project, she's just staring at me…

3:26PM – Delphine is still watching me. She may have sighed just now…not sure

3:40PM – Delphine has started playing on her phone again. She is taking breaks to look at me.

3:42PM – Delphine has put away her phone and is doodling in her notebook.

3:59PM – Delphine is scribbling out whatever she doodled. Suspicious…

4:18PM – Delphine is taking some more time to watch me. Very diligent student she is.

4:22PM – Delphine is working very hard at not studying for finals.

4:48PM – For Delphine's sake, I simply must tell her to fucking study.

"What about all that time between? You don't know that I wasn't studying at those times," Delphine attempted to defend herself again.

"Also, your book is still closed," Cosima pointed out before taking her notebook back. "Delphine, you have to pass these classes. If you need to study somewhere else, do it. I don't want to be responsible for you failing two semesters in a row". She flipped the page back to her project observations.

"Two semesters? What do you mean?" Delphine opened her textbook.

"Last semester you were all whatever because I was being a bitch and now you're all distracted because I'm bringing my A-game in the style department," Delphine looked at Cosima's outfit. She wore a wrinkled lab coat over a loose T-shirt and patterned, parachute-like pants.

"I'm fine this semester, and last semester wasn't your fault, Cosima. Do you actually think it was?" Admittedly, Delphine had thought about it as Cosima's fault for a while but realized that it was her own fault for not dealing with her issues. She never thought that Cosima would blame herself, though.

"It was. I reacted to a shitty event in a shitty way and I was shitty to you and…yeah". Cosima twirled her pen in her fingers.

"My performance isn't your responsibility, Cosima. If it was anyone's fault other than my own, it wouldn't be you, it would be Shay. She fabricated the shitty event," Delphine was starting to feel some latent anger at Shay.

"Yeah, but I brought her into your life," Cosima turned fully to Delphine in the otherwise empty lab.

"I knew Shay before I knew you. She was the one who did all the things that…I don't know…you just don't get to blame yourself because I failed a couple classes. If you want to blame yourself for anything, you can blame yourself for still being with her," Delphine regretted her words once she saw Cosima's face. She was hurt, offended, attacked, because Delphine didn't think before she spoke.

"I'm sorry that I can't just easily throw away a relationship that I've had and relied on for years. Even if it's not perfect and I'm not completely ecstatic all the time, I still like her in my life. She's shitty sometimes but so am I. She gives me second chances all the time and I think I owe it to her to not just bail when things are hard". Cosima's fists were balled tight. She wasn't looking at Delphine anymore, she kept her eyes straight ahead.

"Cosima, I've only ever heard the hard things. I've only seen negative emotions when you talk about her. Do you think she'll just stop being who she is? Where do you see this going? You think she'll stop sleeping with everyone all of a sudden, love you wholly, quit controlling you, marry you, live a long, happy, calm life with you? Because I really doubt all of that". Cosima had the right to be upset with her for being a little blunt earlier without cause, but Delphine wouldn't lie to her about this. She cared too much for Cosima to let her live in some abusive fantasy.

"She's not the fucking devil. What am I supposed to do, Delphine? What would you do if someone told you to leave the one person who has supported you throughout all the shit that's gone wrong in your life?" Cosima would probably cry if she wasn't so pissed. Her tears were only held back with anger.

Delphine wasn't going to support an abusive relationship, though. She started packing her things. "I've believed this since the first time you told me about your girlfriend. She's an awful partner and you should leave her for your own good," she hung her bag over her arm and wrapped her scarf around her neck. "I'm not saying this so that you'll be with me, I'm saying this as someone who cares about you and your wellbeing". She got up to leave. Cosima didn't say anything. She expressed a combination between anger, sadness, and defeat.

Cosima stayed mad at Delphine for a week or two. It was awkward because they both still wanted each other around, Delphine knew that. Their one argument was just always in the way. It wasn't until the week before finals that Cosima texted her.

Cosima: hey do you want to study?

DC: Sure.

Cosima: im sorry

DC: Me too.

Cosima: if i bring stupid all natural organic vegan gluten free french imported carrots can i come over?

DC: (: Don't worry, I already have some.

Delphine was glad their feud only lasted a short while this time. The months of silence had taken a toll on her. She wanted to avoid that if at all possible. Cosima's relationship with Shay, though, that was still a problem. Delphine knew it wasn't easy to just break up with someone who used to mean a lot to you, but if Cosima knows her relationship is unhealthy, then she is an instrument in her own damage to an extent, isn't she? Maybe not…What would I know about it?

"My God, it's amazing how bad you are at studying," Cosima nudged Delphine's arm. They were sitting beside each other on Delphine's couch. She must have zoned out again.

"I was taking a break," she flipped the page of her textbook for no real reason. Cosima stared at her for a moment. "What?"

"My God, it's amazing how bad you are at lying," she repeated in the same tone. Delphine rolled her eyes and turned the page back again. "What were you thinking about?"

She wasn't about to tell Cosima what she was really thinking about. They just returned to good terms. She looked around for a good answer as her fingers played with the fraying strings on the blanket they were sharing. "Do you remember when we first met, and we fell asleep on the couch? We had somehow managed to maneuver so that we were–"

"–Cuddling. Hell yes, that was awesome. You freaked out when you woke up," Cosima laughed. "The second morning was even better". Delphine remembered waking up to her hand against Cosima's bare stomach. She envied the past Delphine who had such privileges.

"Those few days were so odd," she commented.

"Yeah, but they're some of my favorite days ever. You made breakfast. It was so sweet. And it was so adorable how nervous you were around me. At the time, I thought you either had social anxiety stuff or just didn't talk very…smoothly".

"What do you mean?" Delphine feigned offense.

"Well, the moment we met, you were like 'Je vous la vous blah blah trois uno dos mucho' and you weren't the one shivering, all soaking wet".

Delphine covered her face with her hand and shook her head, "That was Spanish, Cosima," she couldn't help smiling, though.

"No, I'm pretty sure you were speaking French that night," Cosima stuck her tongue out. "Anyways, you just always seemed like you were caught off-guard, like stuttering in the cutest way. I kind of miss it, you know," she let her head drop to the back of the couch.

"Me too," Delphine sighed. She did wish she could go back to those days, but she wished she could go back knowing what she knew now about the feelings she had for Cosima. She spent so long denying them. Would it have mattered, though? Cosima would still be with Shay. "I have a question for you, and I'm not trying to criticize or offend you, I'm just curious," she looked to Cosima.

"Okay…"

"If you had come here just the same, still lost in the middle of the city, but Shay was not a part of your life…would those few days we spent together have been different?" Delphine bit her lip, hoping she didn't say something wrong.

Cosima took a moment to think. She didn't look offended so far. "I don't know. Probably, why?"

Delphine shrugged, "Oh, there are just some things that I interpret differently now – from my own perspective. I may have acted differently," she thought that maybe she would have never realized her feelings if it weren't for Shay. It wasn't admiration that Delphine recognized first, it was jealousy.

"I never would have come here in the first place if it wasn't for Shay, though. I would've preferred somewhere warmer". Cosima seemed to add onto Delphine's thoughts.

"You know, France is usually warm. Lille only had snow every once in a while for winter all the years I lived there. And you seem to have some amount of proficiency in the language," Delphine smirked at Cosima.

"Pouvez-vous dire trouver l'hôtel plus proche?"

"…ehm, close, but not quite".

"It's been a while since high school," Cosima fell silent for a minute, her smile softening. "I think I could do that if you were there". She was silent again and her smile had faded into a sad expression. She spun her rings around her fingers and kept her gaze fixed on them.

"What's wrong, Cosima?" Delphine put her hand on Cosima's forearm, attempting to bring her out of whatever state she was in.

"A lot, actually. I feel really conflicted," Delphine stroked her thumb along Cosima's tattoo. "I have this thing that's been a constant in my life for a long time, but it's a bad constant. It makes me feel bad and everyone else says it's a bad thing, but I can't help defending it".

"Shay?"

"Yeah," Cosima confirmed. "I know I should get out of it and shit, but it's so hard because I know I'd feel like shit when it ended, too. I can just always rely on it being there, I can rely on her always saying mean things to me when she's drunk, and I can rely on her not caring about who she sleeps with. I don't know if I'm insecure or just, like, fucked up or whatever…"

"How long will you feel like shit after it ends, do you think?"

"I don't know, weeks, months, somewhere between there, I guess," she replied in a mumble.

"And how long will you feel like shit if you spend the next three years with Shay?"

"I'd say about three years," Cosima smiled oddly. "I know it's stupid".

"Cosima, I just want you to be happy," Delphine lifted Cosima's chin, making her face the conversation rather than evade it. "What would make you happy?"

Cosima exhaled softly, "You know, I used to look at your lips a lot. On purpose, made sure you saw," she looked to Delphine's slightly parted lips. "I just really wanted you to kiss me, like, so many times. I couldn't really do it myself because in the back of my head there was Shay. But I still thought about it all the time". Delphine didn't speak, too scared to move her lips, but also unsure of what she was scared of.

Cosima looked back up to her eyes briefly before returning to her lips. Delphine was positive that it wasn't her who brought them together, but she did find herself closing her eyes and accepting Cosima's warm lips. It was more than a peck this time, it was intoxicating. Cosima's hand crept up to her neck, pulling her closer. She felt her textbook and notebook sliding off her legs onto the cushion beside her, not that she entirely cared at the moment.

Delphine knew in the back of her mind that this wasn't what she wanted. She would be a hypocrite if she encouraged Cosima to do the same thing Shay was doing. It may mean something different, but it still wasn't how she wanted to be with Cosima. Delphine held Cosima's arm, intending to pull away, but then felt the slight brush of Cosima's tongue on her lip. She let her mouth fall open for Cosima and only held her closer instead of exiting the situation.

Just as Delphine was slowly entering a world where she couldn't hear the voice in the back of her head anymore, her phone rang loudly in her pocket. They both jumped back, Cosima looking more startled by the phone and Delphine more startled by the whole activity. She took her phone out and looked at the screen:

Incoming Call from Maman…

"I…have to take this," she said like it was a question. Cosima nodded, panting still, and Delphine made her way into the bedroom. "Allô, maman?"

"Delphine, tu as dit que tu allais m'appeler," Delphine sat on her bed, somewhat frustrated with her mother's call, but also grateful.

"J'étais juste très occupé à étudier. Tout va bien?" Delphine's mother was probably in between what her American counterparts would call a "worry-wart" and "paranoid". Delphine's father had early-onset dementia, warranting the anxiety her mother always had, but it was also under as much control as it could be, and her aunts always helped out when they could.

This particular call was made because her mother thought his condition was worsening. Delphine had gotten these same calls, but her father would be taken to see his doctor and they would assure her mother that nothing had changed. So, Delphine was always skeptical when her mother got worked up. She assured her that he was probably fine, all he needed was a checkup and to stop being bothered by a frantic wife.

After she hung up, she cautiously made her way to the living room again. Cosima was back to studying. "I'm, euh, sorry about that. My mother worries a lot and I was supposed to call her earlier," she sat down next to Cosima.

"Dude, no problem. Is everything okay?" Cosima sounded sincere, but she still looked nervous.

"Everything is fine, my father is just sick, and she thinks it's worse than it is," she shook her head and looked at her pile of class material on the cushion beside her.

Cosima was quiet for some time. Delphine wasn't sure if she should start their inevitable conversation or wait for Cosima to bring it up. She had a feeling if she didn't, Cosima never would. She stared at her book and bit her lip.

"So, I know this isn't great timing," Cosima started, "but I have to go. Shay's picking me up for dinner and…yeah". She spun her rings around several times.

"Yeah," Delphine all but whispered, "I'll, uh, see you later then…" Cosima nodded, gathered her things, and left.

Delphine spent the evening staring at her textbook and notes unproductively.

Delphine knew she would pass her finals, but she was still relieved when she got her grades back. She didn't care much for the graduation ceremony ritual, so she planned on just taking her diploma through the mail. It was supposed to arrive in just a few weeks, but she wasn't as excited as she thought she should be.

She hadn't seen Cosima since before finals, a little over a week. They had texted, but she was worried that their last interaction had ruined their relationship again. It seemed their relationship was so fragile. Delphine thought about their first days together, they always cheered her up when she was thinking about the difficulties that she had with Cosima.

Delphine heard her phone ringing in the bedroom and jumped up from the couch in hopes it was Cosima. She thought it might be strange how giddy she still was to receive a call from the woman. She was disappointed, though. It was her mother again.

"Allô, maman," she sat on her bed and listened to her mother rant about her aunts. Someone was pregnant and it was making life hard for Delphine's mother. She still listened, though.

When she ended the call, she felt a little lightheaded and frozen. There was no time to process, though, since Cosima was knocking rapidly on her door, evident by her signature pattern.

"It's unlocked," Delphine shouted as she exited the bedroom. Cosima came bounding in, a huge smile gracing her face. Unlike any other day, it didn't bring Delphine joy. She only felt sicker now.

"Delphine! I have some news that I think you'll be happy about," she wrapped her arms around Delphine and squeezed tight.

"I have some news, too," she pushed back lightly on Cosima's arms. "You can go first," she offered, not wanting to ruin Cosima's mood just yet.

"Okay," she smiled and backed out of Delphine's space. "I did it," Delphine only looked at her with confusion. She sighed, "Delphine I broke up with Shay!"

Delphine's jaw dropped at the amazing irony the world afforded them. "You did?"

"Hell, yes!" Delphine wasn't really sure if she was happy or sad. "What about you? Whatcha got?"

She looked at Cosima for a moment, unsure if she was ready to accept her own fate. "I…my father…I have to go back to France…"