Chapter 2A: No Patience for Incompetence
Lee, Harmony, and Sarah met outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, not expecting much from their new teacher. If the display at Flourish and Blotts had been any indication of his teaching method it would be a very long year. The three of them entered quietly and took seats by the windows of the classroom. Professor Lockhart walked out from his office and glanced at the three girls with a huge smile.
"You three must be very excited for class," he said pompously.
Lee rolled her eyes before contradicting him. "Actually, I'm supposed to avoid large crowds and small spaces like the hallways."
Lockhart either pretended to not hear Lee or just tuned her out because he quickly pulled out three pictures of himself and signed them before handing them to Sarah, Lee, and Harmony.
"Could you have Aero Shield burn this for me?" Sarah whispered, passing Lee the photograph.
"Definitely. I was already planning on burning mine," Lee whispered back.
Harmony discreetly handed Lee hers as well. "Make sure to use Aero Shield. That smile of his is way too white."
Lee gave her friends a wink and shoved them roughly into her bag. Lockhart wasn't paying attention to them anymore. He was already back in his office. Sarah glanced over her shoulder before jotting a note and passing it to Lee. Lee read it quickly before an evil grin spread across her face.
"Your mind works in very mischievous ways," Lee commented, pulling out her PAC Ball. "Five knuts says he shrieks like a banshee."
"You're on!" Sarah agreed.
Harmony saw Lee release Peat. The Bog Worm went slithering by the door of the office. Peat looked back for reaffirmation from his trainer who quickly gave him the go ahead. Sarah and Lee glanced down at their books and seconds later a shrill shriek came from Lockhart's office.
"Harmony, you're our impartial judge," Sarah stated. "Would you say he shrieked like a banshee?"
She paused to think about it, "No. It wasn't shrill enough, though it was very close."
Lee pulled the five knuts from her pocket and handed them to Sarah. Peat came scurrying out of the office, a few spells being shot after him. Lee swooped down and grabbed him, holding him protectively. Lockhart came barreling after him and stopped when he saw Lee holding Peat.
"You need to put that down," Lockhart warned. "It's dangerous."
Lee scoffed a little and scratched him behind the ears. "Sorry, Peat must've gotten out of my PAC Ball. Trust me, he's a harmless as a Cornish Pixie."
"That is a dragon. They are VERY dangerous," he argued.
"He's my dragon," Lee stated. "Trust me, he's not dangerous unless he's told to be dangerous."
Lee sat back down and placed Peat on her lap. He narrowed his eyes at the professor while Sarah scratched him underneath the chin.
"Good work Peat," Lee whispered. "I'll make sure to give you some extra chicken tonight."
Students began filing in as the bell rang. Hermione took a seat at the front with many other girls while most of the boys sat in the back. Lockhart jumped into his lesson, if it could even be called that.
"Me," Lockhart said, pointing at the book Traveling with Trolls and winking at the students. "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Awardㅡbut I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"
He seemed to be waiting for them to laugh; a few people smiled weakly. Lee turned to Sarah and made a small gagging motion. How was this idiot their teacher?!
"I see you've all bought a complete set of my booksㅡwell done. I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry aboutㅡjust to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken inㅡ"
Lockhart handed them their papers. Lee had been expecting questions like 'What spell can be used to defeat a troll?'. She was not expecting a question like 'What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?'
"You have thirty minutes," Lockhart stated from the front of the class. "Startㅡnow!"
Sarah glanced at Lee with complete disbelief on her face. Lee shrugged her shoulders and put her name at the top of the quiz. The questions were all based on Lockhart. There was absolutely nothing that had to do with magic mentioned anywhere! The thirty minutes passed and they handed Lockhart the papers without a word. He quickly made a small 'tut tut' and stated how obvious the answers were and what books they needed to reread. Harmony turned back to her friends.
"Is this guy for real?" Harmony asked. "He has about as many brains as a ghoul."
"Maybe he actually has some semblance of a brain?" Lee asked with some hope. "Maybe he just has an incredibly big ego?"
Sarah leaned over to her friends. "I seriously doubt it."
They turned their attention back to the front when Lockhart put a small, covered cage on his desk.
"Nowㅡbe warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."
Lee leaned forward in her desk, slightly intrigued by Lockhart's speech. Maybe there was some hope for this professor.
"I must ask you not to scream," said Lockhart in a low voice. "It might provoke them."
The entire class held its breath as he pulled the cover off the cage. Lee's small hope was quickly dashed when she saw just how over dramatic Lockhart had been in his description of the creatures they'd be dealing with.
"Yes," he said dramatically. "Freshly caught Cornish pixies."
Seamus Finnigan lost control of himself and burst into laughter. Sarah slumped back in her chair and smirked. She had to agree with Seamus. There was nothing terrifying about the pixies. She'd seen Lee handle dragons for crying out loud!
"Yes?" Lockhart smiled at Seamus.
Well, they're notㅡthey're not veryㅡdangerous, are they?" Seamus choked.
"Don't be so sure!" said Lockhart, waggling an annoying finger at Seamus. "Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!"
"Please!" Lee scoffed, drawing attention to their corner of the room. "I've handled more dangerous creatures without a wand. If you're a competent enough wizard they're about as harmless as a fly."
"And what makes you such an expert?" Lockhart asked with some hidden anger.
"I'm twelve and I have a dragon-class training license," Lee deadpanned. "And I think this is a waste of my time."
With that, Lee grabbed her bag and left the classroom with Peat close on her heels. Sarah was a little surprised. Her friend usually showed more respect to the professors than that. The professor seemed in a state of shock. It ended a moment later and he returned the class's attention to the pixies.
"Right then," he pronounced loudly. "Let's see what you make of them!" And he opened the cage.
The moment the door opened the classroom was thrown into pandemonium. The pixies shot everywhere like rockets! Sarah and Harmony ducked under their desks and watched as two pixies lifted Neville by the ears and hung him on the chandelier. Others shot through the windows while others wrecked the classroom more effectively than a rampaging rhino!
"Come on nowㅡround them up, round them up, they're only pixies," Lockhart shouted to the class.
His words had no effect. Lockhart clearly saw this.
He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand and bellowed, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"
His spell didn't do anything to the pixies; one of them seized his wand and threw it out the window too. The teacher finally dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding Neville, who had fallen from the chandelier.
As soon as the bell rang every student made a mad rush for the exit. There was a relative calm that followed. Harmony and Sarah made it to the door as Lockhart put Harry, Ron and Hermione on pixie duty.
"Does that man have any competence?!" Harmony shrieked. "Who releases a bunch of pixies in a classroom and expects the students to be able to handle them, especially when they haven't taught anything USEFUL?!"
"Are you done with your rant?" Sarah asked bluntly, getting a nod from Harmony. "Good. Lee was right. This was an absolute waste of time."
Harmony smiled bitterly. "And that waste of time is our teacher for the entire term."
The two slumped down to their next class and found Lee sitting in the classroom.
"I'm guessing the class was a disaster," Lee stated.
"Right from when he opened the cage," Sarah confirmed. "How'd you get away with ditching class?"
Lee shrugged. "I didn't. McGonagall says I have to help fix the animals in her transfiguration classes for a week. I'll talk to Dumbledore about Lockhart later though."
"I doubt Dumbledore will let you get away with ditching DADA," Harmony stated.
Lee gave another shrug and the bell rang, beginning the class. It passed in an instant, as did the other classes of the day. The four friends met each other outside of the Great Hall in the light of the torches. Their bags were already full of homework, books and quills.
As Lee sifted through the papers in her bag and quickly pulled out a crumpled picture of their new professor. "I forgot about these. I believe we need to burn them."
"Why are you burning pictures?" Kaede asked.
."Lockhart gave them to us, thinking we were fangirls because we got to class early," Sarah explained.
Kaede let out a small 'oh' and they went to one of the torches along the wall. Lee let Aero Shield out of the Pac Ball and had him lay on the floor. The dragon breathed a small bit of flame onto the three photos and Lee shoved them into the torch.
"That takes care of that," Sarah said, clapping her hands. "Who's hungry? Dinner's about to start soon."