The lounge felt small with the six of them crowded in there at the same time. Ezra looked around and wondered, not for the first time, whether telling them together like this had been a mistake. Maybe it would have been easier to do it one or two at a time.
No, he decided. It probably wouldn't help. At least this way it would be over with quickly. The conversation would be hard enough once, he wasn't going to be in a hurry to repeat the experience.
It was too late to change his mind anyway, everyone was here.
Kanan, Hera and Sabine were seated on the curved bench around the edge of the holotable, while Ezra took one of the stools and Zeb sat in his larger chair. Chopper lurked around the periphery, moving around occasionally, a few meters in one direction and then another, like he was trying to find the best place to watch the show.
"Okay kid, you got us all here," Zeb said. "So, you want to tell us what's so important we all had to drop everything and meet you here?"
He had never asked them to drop everything. In fact, he had explicitly stated that he didn't want that, and that he just wanted to know when would be a good time to tell them something. It had been Hera, probably sensing that something was wrong, who had insisted that right now was as good a time as any.
The answer to Zeb's question was no. He didn't want to tell them. In fact, it was the last thing he wanted to do. He was going to do it anyway, because he owed it to them to tell them the truth.
As he drummed his fingers on the edge of the table, Kanan and Hera exchanged a worried glance. Even if he wanted to back out, he wouldn't be able to. They knew something was wrong and they wouldn't let him get away with leaving before he told them what it was.
He stood up. He had planned to be sitting for this, convinced that if he was on his feet, he might seize the opportunity to flee before he managed to get out the words that he needed to say. Now that it came to it, he realized that he needed to be standing. He needed to move around, to release the nervous energy in some way. Otherwise he would run, he could feel it.
He took a few steps away from the table, stopped and turned back.
"Ezra," Hera began. "Whatever it is, we'll…"
"I'm going blind," he blurted, cutting her off before she could make a promise she might not be able to keep.
A shocked silence fell over the room. Ezra realized that he was shaking from the surge of adrenaline had rushed through his body as he had finally uttered the words. He sucked in a deep breath. He didn't know whether to run, or to sit down before he fell.
Ezra figured he had maybe a couple of seconds before they recovered from his revelation. A few short seconds before they showered him with questions that he didn't know how to answer.
"I'm sorry," he told them. "I didn't know. Not until…"
He wasn't sure exactly when he had figured out what was wrong. It hadn't been the night he had realized he was the only one who couldn't see the stars from the surface of a planet, or the day a medic asking him about his family medical history had helped him dredge up the memory of some syndrome whose name he couldn't remember. It hadn't been the night, lying in bed, when he had first realized he couldn't see anything at all with the light out, or the day Chopper had switched off the lights while they were doing repairs and Ezra had found himself completely unable to see in a room he knew was partially illuminated. It hadn't been the bruises he kept finding on his arms and legs from the times he had bumped into things as he walked past them.
It hadn't even been the night he had stayed up late reading about Sacul Syndrome in a misguided attempt to reassure himself that he didn't have it.
It hadn't been any of those things, but at the same time it had been all of them. It had been a slow process of discoveries until one day everything had clicked into place and he had just known it was true.
Someone touched his shoulder from behind and Ezra flinched in surprise. He spun around to see Kanan right behind him. He hadn't seem him get up or move. That was nothing to do with his sight, he had been deliberately looking in the other direction to avoid seeing their reaction. It hadn't helped. He had still felt the wave of confusion, shock, and disbelief through the Force.
"You're sure?" Kanan asked.
Ezra looked at the ground. "Yeah. As I can be."
Hera was on her feet now too, Sabine and Zeb exchanged a glance across the table that Ezra couldn't read.
"How sure is that?" Hera asked. "What is it? Is it something we can…"
Ezra shook his head. He didn't have the words to explain it. He had, moments earlier. The whole thing had been carefully planned out in his mind, and he had imagined exactly how the conversation would go. He had been wrong. He hadn't been prepared for it to be so hard.
"I'm sorry." He backed away a few steps, then turned and bolted.