At eleven-thirty on the dot I got a call from Reception that my mother and grandmother had arrived. I told the security guard working in the lobby, Ralph, that I would be down momentarily, took the elevator down to the reception desk and gave my mother and grandmother a hug and a kiss.
I signed them in, and then walked with them over to the elevator. "I can't take you around the building", I said. "Ranger is very careful about not letting anyone other than staff in the offices. There is too much of a security risk otherwise. However, we are going to the seventh floor, which is the penthouse. That is where Ranger's apartment is."
The elevator came and my grandmother and mother got on. I punched the button for the top floor and got out my keys. Ella had arranged with me that she'd bring our lunch to us at around twelve, and Ranger had said that he'd show up if he could. Ella said that she'd set the table in the dining room and commented that, although Ranger had lived in the apartment for some time, she didn't think the dining table had ever been used in the past. I personally thought that was sad.
As the elevator rose to the seventh floor, Grandma looked around her. "You know what this elevator needs? Music. You should talk to Ranger about that. Music makes people happy."
"That's something to consider", I said. I could just imagine Ranger rolling his eyes if I told him that his elevator was lacking because it didn't play music.
Tank got on the elevator at the third floor and smiled at my family. "Oh, my, you're a big one", said my grandmother.
Tank looked at me, and I could see that he was thinking about smiling. He turned to my grandmother. "That's what the doctor said when I was delivered, and my momma yelled at him that she knew that already."
I laughed.
Tank got off at the fifth floor, and I was glad that he got off the elevator. I could see my grandmother trying to figure out if he was big all over, and I didn't want to take the chance that she came out and asked him point blank. Tank was stoic and could take a lot, but I think that sort of comment from my grandmother would throw even him.
We got to the seventh floor and I ushered my mother and grandmother out. I unlocked the door and turned on the lights when we entered, and put my keys on the silver tray on the antique hall table at the side of the entry. I sniffed the cut flowers that Ella had put out that morning and assessed the apartment as though I was seeing it for the first time.
The apartment was comprised of two halves. The first half was a large professional-grade kitchen. It had every appliance you could think of, from a warming drawer to an upright freezer, from a dishwasher to a fridge with water and ice dispensers. All appliances were stainless steel. Counters were granite. Cupboards were wood. It was a warm and comfortable room, large enough to cook in and welcoming enough to encourage lingering.
Dividing the kitchen from the dining room was a breakfast bar. That was where Ranger and I sat to eat most of our meals although we had been known, during playoff games and Die Hard marathons, to eat in front of the television.
The dining room, although small compared to the rest of the apartment, was just as large if not larger than the dining room at my parents' house. Ella had bought flowers for the dining table as well, and with the glossy wood and the cut flowers in the crystal vase in the center of the table and the place settings with the white linen napkins, the room looked upscale and sophisticated. My mother and grandmother hummed in appreciation.
The dining room was open to the living room. The living room was quite large but was welcoming even so. Until my family had arrived, I didn't think it had ever been used. Like the rest of the apartment, it was casually sophisticated. Furniture was brown leather with cream and black throw pillows. Woods were dark. It was a room that invited you to sit down and relax.
After showing them the living area, I took them into the master suite. Everything there was designed on the grand scale. The bedroom was large, the closet was more of a dressing room in size and was bigger than the bedroom I had grown up in, the master bath was a comfortable size for a family of four to use at the same time with room to spare, and attached to the bedroom was an office/den that served as Ranger's television room. The office/den was also generously proportioned and had room for Ranger's desk, bookshelves, a sofa and a gas fireplace with a television mounted above it.
Bissecting the two halves of the apartment was the main hall and a powder room. The whole apartment was painted a pale chocolate milk colour with black accents. The resulting effect was stylish but comfortable. I personally loved it.
"This is lovely, Steph", said my mother. "It's much nicer than your apartment."
I laughed. They were so far different that they couldn't even be compared.
"I don't know", said my grandmother. "I liked the brown and orange tiles in the bathroom, and the avocado appliances really took me back to the sixties. Those were the good old days. Drugs were acceptable and alcohol was common. Not that I partook of them. I was already having kids at that point – but I would have liked to have tried them."
"Alcohol is common today as well", I said, "and drugs are much more common than you might think, unfortunately." I led my family back into the living room and said, "if you excuse me for a moment, I have to take my gun off. I don't want to wear it during lunch."
I left the room and locked my gun in Ranger's gun cabinet, then went back into the living room and offered my mother and grandmother a glass of water or juice. My grandmother popped to her feet and said that she'd love to try the water dispenser. When my mother asked for a glass of water, my grandmother took the position in front of the dispenser. She had fun pushing buttons until the perfect mix, according to my grandmother, of water to ice had been dispensed. She handed the glass to my mother, and then did the same thing for herself. Since she looked disappointed when she was finished pouring those glasses, I asked for a glass of water as well, and told my grandmother that she could prepare a glass of water for Ranger.
"I had thought it would be a good idea for me to work in the porn shop", said my grandmother, "but needing to stand on your feet for eight hours at a time would be a little difficult. So I was thinking that Ranger could hire me." I choked on my water. "I'm almost finished preparing my resume", she said. "I can show it to you the next time you are home. I was thinking that I could do reception. I noticed that the man working at the reception desk was wearing a gun. I could do that. I would be the best reception person ever."
"If you want to apply you can, but you have to know that only two women work for Ranger. His housekeeper Ella, and me. Ranger requires all Operations staff to have a military background. He prefers for his Sales and Support staff to also have military training. In fact, I am one of the few employees that didn't work for the military before working here. The person working reception does more than just greet people as well. He is the person who keeps tabs on who is in the building, where they are, and he's responsible for fire protocol and protecting the office from people approaching the building through the street or garage level. Why do you want to work here, Grandma?"
"I'd like to have a job where I was required to wear a gun. That would be much more fun than working in the porn store. If I was working at reception, I could sit down. And since it looked like not much happened there, I could have a nap whenever I felt like it. It would be the perfect job for me."
"I see." I smiled. "You could talk to Ranger about that when he gets in for lunch." I thought it was lucky that Ranger thought my grandmother was a hoot. He would need his patience to deal with her over the lunch period if she started to hound him about working at Rangeman.
Minutes later, Ranger walked into the apartment and gave my mother and grandmother a hug each. He came over to me and gave me a kiss, then took off his gun belt and dropped it on the breakfast bar next to Rex's cage. I handed him the glass of water that Grandma had prepared and explained that Grandma was on water dispensing duties. "It's the most amazing thing", she said as we all walked into the living room to sit down. "I've never seen a water dispenser like that before. It delivers cold water whenever you want."
Ranger smiled.
"I was thinking that you should hire me", said Grandma to Ranger. "I would be a good person to work your reception desk. I could be the face to the company. Steph says that you have to keep track of who is in the building at all times, and I could do that. And unlike the porn shop I wouldn't have to stand around all day long. It is the perfect job for me."
"That's something to consider, but I have to warn you that I only hire people with a military background."
"Steph doesn't have a military background."
Ranger looked at me with a smile. "Steph is a special case, but she doesn't do any interaction with the public. She isn't put into a position of danger at Rangeman, so she doesn't have to rely on her military training in her job."
"You could make a special consideration for me as well", said Grandma.
"I don't make allowances for anybody, whether they are family or not. It's not just you. I have told my nephews the same thing." He looked at Grandma's disappointed face. "When people's safety is impacted by the suitability of the people you hire, there is an incentive to hire the right people. I'm sorry, but you don't have the qualifications."
Grandma looked like she was starting to pout, so I quickly finished my water and asked her to get me another glass. A smile appeared on her face and she hopped to her feet, took my glass, and went into the kitchen.
A few minutes later, it occurred to me that I hadn't heard the ice machine clinking or the water pouring, and I got up mid conversation and walked into the kitchen. Grandma had Ranger's gun out of his holster and was admiring it. "Grandma? What are you doing?"
"This here is a thing of beauty, Steph. I thought Ranger's gun that he has in his pants was a beautiful thing, but this gun is astounding. This puts my Elsie to shame." She held the gun out in front of her and said, "freeze, sucker."
I moved slowly towards Grandma and, as I started to take the gun away from her, all the while trying not to spook her, Ranger said, "are you having problems with the dispenser?" At the sound of Ranger's voice, Grandma jumped and pressed the trigger of the gun. The gun exploded and the recoil knocked her off the bar stool so hard she fell and landed flat on her back. As she looked up at us, she said, "I didn't do it."
"Ma!" said my mother in horror.
A wave of anger washed over me and I suddenly could understand my mother's point of view. "Grandma, we saw you shoot the gun."
"I don't know what happened. I was just looking at Ranger's gun. I wasn't doing anything wrong."
"Is everyone okay?" said Ranger. I looked at him as he visually assessed me, and I knew that he was worried that we'd been hurt. He had his 'not happy' look on, and I couldn't blame him. With all his preaching of gun safety that he prescribed, I knew that he wouldn't be happy to have his gun shot anywhere other than in the firing range.
Ranger and I checked my grandmother for broken bones and, when we decided that she was alright, we helped her to her feet. As we got her upright, Tank and five other men ran into Ranger's apartment, guns out. "Is everyone okay?" said Tank as he saw us standing around.
"Oh, hello again", said my Grandma. "You all have guns as well. What kind do you have? Can I hold yours?"
"NO!" said Ranger and I together.
Ranger turned to the men. "It's okay. Grandma got ahold of my gun and decided to try a little target practice in the kitchen."
"She should try a firing range instead", said Tank.
"That would be good", said Grandma as she brightened. "Steph, would you take me to a firing range?"
"NO!" I said.
"I need to practice my shooting", said Grandma. I glared at her. "It was an accident. Don't you ever have accidents?"
"Yes", I said. "But they don't usually result in a gun going off. That's a serious thing to have happen, Grandma. Someone could have gotten hurt."
"Where did the bullet go?" said Ramon.
I looked at Grandma, and she looked anywhere other than me. "I think we should go now", she said to my mother.
"Grandma?"
"Steph?" said Tank. "I know where the bullet went."
I turned to Tank. He sounded very worried. He pointed at Rex's cage, and I looked down. There was a bullet hole through one of the glass walls of the cage, and a bullet wedged in Rex's soup can hidey-hole. I made an involuntary cry of distress. "No, no, no, no", I said.
"I really think we should go now", said my grandmother. She took my mother's hand and tugged her to the door.
I looked up at my grandmother with tears in my eyes. I pointed to a chair. "Grandma! Sit!"
My grandmother meekly came through to the dining room and sat on the chair that I had pointed to.
The men were silent as they watched me walk over to Rex's cage. Rex was hiding in his soup can hidey hole. The bullet had almost pierced his soup can and was sticking straight up out of the metal, and the can was dented drastically where the bullet was residing. His little hind legs were frantically pinwheeling in the wood shavings. I suspected what had happened was that he had been hiding in his soup can when the bullet scared him and, now that the soup can was dented, he couldn't get free. His body was shaking and he was trying to pull himself out of the can, but he couldn't move. He was lucky that he wasn't dead.
Ella walked in with a tray of food. "Oh, dear", she said. "If I had known that there would be all these people here, I would have made more food."
"I'm hungry", said my grandmother.
"Ma!" said my mother.
"Does anyone here have a Swiss Army knife on them?" I asked. "We have to get this can off Rex, and the old fashioned type of can opener on the Swiss Army knives might be able to get through the metal."
"I have one", said Ella. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the tool. "They're handy to have when you are doing work around the apartments. I don't want to disturb Luis from his work just to do something simple that I could do with my own multi-use tool."
She handed the tool to me and I opened options until I found the can opener. I gently lifted Rex up and put him on the sink, then slowly worked at the metal. As I went, I pulled the metal from Rex's body. Tears were running down my face and snot was pouring out of my nose, and Rex was getting more and more distressed. I was glad that I had put him in the sink because he kept peeing and pooping, and I hoped Ella had a bottle of bleach or something below the sink that I'd be able to sanitize the area with afterwards.
Ranger rubbed my back and, when my hands started to cramp from the strain of using the tool, he took over. I gently patted Rex's back to try to keep him calm. Ranger was faster at working the can opener, and shortly afterwards Rex got free. Rex moved out of the can suddenly, and in his upset he bit me. "Fuck!" I said. Blood came rushing to the surface and tears came to my eyes.
"He's free?" said Grandma.
"Yes", I said. As one, all the men in the room breathed a sigh of relief.
"Great! Let's eat!" said Grandma. "And when we eat, perhaps you can show me your gun", she said to Tank.
Ranger turned to the men and thanked them for the fast response. He turned to Grandma and my mother and told them to start lunch without us. He took a bleach wipe out from under the sink and wiped down Ella's tool, then closed it up and thanked her for lending it to us. Then, as Ella and the men left, he picked up his gun, grabbed hold of my hand and tugged me into the master bath. He left me for a second to lock his gun away in the gun safe, and then came through to the bathroom. "Wash your hands, babe. Let's get some antiseptic cleanser on this bite." I washed my hands and then washed my face. My makeup had melted and I had raccoon eyes. By the time my face was clean my finger was throbbing.
Ranger looked at the bite. "This is a good one", he said. He gave a half-smile. "Not good enough for you to get out of stretching, but good enough that you get a pass for a few days on target practice." He looked at it a little longer. It was still bleeding. "This looks quite deep, babe. Do you want to get stitches?"
"No, it's just a hamster bite."
"He bit you very hard."
"Trust me, I know."
He put some antibiotic cream on a bandage and applied the bandage to my finger. "Let's keep an eye on this. If it doesn't stop bleeding, I'll take you into the clinic to get sutures."
"I'll be fine."
I slid off the counter and he gathered me into his arms. I was still shaking, and I nestled in and let the sound of his slow heartbeat and the scent of his body wash soothe me. "Grandma is okay," he said, "Rex is okay, your mother is okay, and you and I are okay."
"I know. I should have known when my grandmother saw your gun belt come off. She is fascinated by guns."
"And I should have known better than to leave it out where she could get to it. It could have ended so much worse."
"That's true. I keep thinking about 'what ifs'."
"'What ifs' are an unproductive use of time and attention. They didn't happen. You have to think about what did. No one got hurt. Rex is upset but fine, and when his stress levels subside he will be good again. We need a new cage, but that is immaterial. My staff was given a great impromptu training exercise. There are positives in what happened. Look at the positives, babe." He smoothed my hair behind my ears and kissed me tenderly on my forehead. "Come on, let's eat."
We walked out of the bathroom and down into the dining room. My grandmother was sitting sullenly at the dining room table eating her lunch, and I could only guess that my mother had been reading her the riot act. Judging by the size of my grandmother's pout, I would assume that my mother had cut her off of pineapple upside-down cake for at least a week.
Good.
"Now that you're back", said my grandmother, "I was thinking that you know what this means?"
"That you're not getting a job at Rangeman?" said Ranger, totally straight-faced.