As I waited for Connie and Lula to arrive, I could only pray that lunch would go better with them than it had the day before. Ranger had handled it well after he realized that no one was hurt. He had told me that, at first, he had thought that I had been shot. Grandma was suitably cowed by what had happened, and my mother told her that she had to buy Rex a new cage. Ranger said that he would buy a new cage instead, just because he had made the mistake of not putting his gun away when he came into the apartment. Ranger had gone out and purchased Rex a new cage that afternoon. Instead of a glass cage, it was made of wire and was a little bigger than his old one. However, when Ranger was buying Rex his cage he also bought Rex some tubes to crawl through, and instead of a soup can he bought him a mini plastic igloo to store his treats in. Ranger flushed when I thanked him for the new accessories. He said that he didn't have any soup tins for Rex, and when he saw the tubes he thought Rex would appreciate them. But he looked a little embarrassed as he said it. I thought, right at that minute, that I couldn't love him any more than I did.
So the next day, I was a little nervous about showing Connie and Lula the apartment. Like the day before, they came to the reception desk and Ralph called me. I shut down my office and descended to the lobby to sign Connie and Lula in. Lula was talking to Ralph and had pulled out her gun from her bag so that they could compare weapons. "No!" I said as I signed the register. "No guns!"
"Hunh. She has all these rules", said Lula to Ralph. "I don't understand why there is a no gun rule. I'm a good shot."
"Put away your gun or you can't come upstairs", I said.
"You have your gun out", said Lula.
"It's in my holster and when I get into the apartment it will be going into the gun safe", I said.
"Can you believe that?" said Lula to Ralph. She leaned forward and her plus-sized assets alarmingly looked like they were about to burst out of her petite-sized bra. Ralph looked a little stunned and I could understand why. Lula had dressed up for the occasion of seeing Ranger's apartment. She was wearing red heels that were about five inches high, fishnet stockings, and a shiny gold dress that was so short it was barely covering her doodad and had a neckline so deep that I could see her belly button. Although the dress looked like it had a lot of spandex in it, the fabric had been stretched to the max and I was fully expecting it to rip, Hulk-style, as she moved. On most people, the outfit would look trashy but on Lula the outfit somehow worked.
"You know what?" I said. "Leave your gun here at reception. Ralph can look after it while you are in the apartment." Lula looked like she was going to refuse. She clutched her gun to her chest and stared at me. "I think Ella made cake from scratch for dessert." I knew she had. It was a black forest cake that looked so good that I had seriously considered snagging a pre-lunch piece and calling it an appetizer, but I thought that would be a little rude and hard to hide.
Lula handed her gun over. "You take good care of it, okay? That baby is my pride and joy."
"Yes, ma'am", said Ralph.
I turned to Connie. "You, too."
"I won't take my gun out, Steph. You know that."
"I know, but in the interests of fairness you should have to give up your gun as well."
"Yeah", said Lula. "If I have to give up my gun, then you should as well."
"We had an incident in the apartment yesterday involving guns, and Rex was shot", I said. "Ranger and I are a little sensitive about gun safety as a result."
"I'm sorry. If I had known there was a death", said Lula, "I would have brought flowers."
"Rex is okay", I said, "but the bullet had crumpled up the can around him and he couldn't get out, so he was very upset until Ranger was able to get the can open. His cage was ruined as well, so Ranger bought him a new cage. He seems happy enough now, but it was a tense half hour until it was all settled out."
"Poor Rex", said Lula.
Connie handed her gun over to Ralph, and they turned to follow me to the elevator. Hal came out of the gym and stood at the elevator as well, and he smiled and said hi to Connie and Lula. Hal was a friend of mine. Lula and I had privately nicknamed him Halosaurus because of his size, but despite his muscular bulk and hulking physique, he was the gentlest man that I'd ever met. He always had a smile on his face, and he honestly loved people.
"How's it hanging, sweetie?" said Lula to him.
Hal grinned. "Hey, Lula. Life's good. I'm surprised to see you here."
"Steph is taking us up to Ranger's apartment."
"Really? Does he know about this?"
I laughed. "It was his idea."
"Hunh. I haven't seen his apartment either."
"You can ask Ranger for your own tour", I said. "Somehow I don't think he'd be happy having me invite another man into his private domain."
Hal laughed. As the elevator arrived, he held the door for us so that we could get on. "Are you going to work now?" said Lula.
"No. I'm on the evening shift", said Hal. "I don't start work until three. I just woke up a couple of hours ago, and I wanted to get a workout in before I went back to my apartment to shower."
"You live here?" said Lula, as her eyes started to sparkle.
"Hell, yeah", said Hal. "There are a number of apartments on site for staff. Most people live off site, but there are a few for those who are on the Emergency Response Team. It enables us to mobilize quickly when there is an emergency."
"That's how Ranger was able to get a team together so quickly when Mary Lou was kidnapped a month ago", I said. "He had a team pulled together within fifteen minutes."
"There are twenty efficiency apartments in the building spread out over two floors. Each floor is comprised of one team, and there is always one team available to work at all times", said Hal.
"Does anyone else ever stay in your apartments?" said Lula.
"No, it's only the ERTs that live here", said Hal.
"What about spouses?" said Lula.
"If you are an ERT, you can't bring your spouse to work. That includes staying in the apartment. When you aren't on-call, where you live is optional. You're allowed to stay in your apartment but, if you prefer or if you have a home to go to, you can live there. However, when you are on-call you must stay within the building during non-work hours since you have to be able to muster within ten minutes."
"What about girlfriends?" said Lula. "Has your girlfriend ever seen your apartment?"
"Ranger has a rule that the apartments are for staff and staff only. If we want to hook up with a girl, it will have to be at her place or at a hotel. We aren't allowed to have partners here to the site. It just isn't safe for anyone if we have civilians here."
"But surely, for me, you could take me for a little tour?" said Lula.
Hal turned red. "No. Not even you would be allowed in the apartments", said Hal.
"Lula", I said. "Remember what I said. This visit is to see Ranger's apartment and Ranger's apartment only. This isn't to figure out whether Hal is a boxer or a brief kind of guy."
The elevator came to a stop on Hal's floor. I looked at him, and he was four shades of red. As he stepped out, he turned to us and smiled. "Definitely boxers all the way", he said. Lula's face broke out in interest as the doors closed.
Lula stared at the doors for a moment as she thought about that, then evidently decided that she didn't have anything to say about Hal's boxers. I was surprised. It would normally be the kind of thing that she commented on.
"So tell us how Rex got shot", said Connie.
I told them about Grandma and her fascination with the water and ice dispenser and her ambition to work for Ranger. I told them of Ranger coming in and putting his gun on the counter and Grandma helping herself to it. And I told them about Grandma shooting Rex and what happened to Rex.
"Did you have to get stitches?" said Connie.
"No", I said. "It stopped bleeding, and I wouldn't let Ranger take me into the doctor's for a hamster bite. How ridiculous do you think I would feel if the doctor asked me what had happened and I had to say that it was a hamster that had bitten me?"
Connie and Lula laughed.
"At least it ended well", said Lula.
"That it did, but it was a little tense anyway." We got off the elevator and I unlocked the door. "Rex was upset for quite a while afterwards."
Connie's and Lula's mouths dropped open as they walked into Ranger's apartment. I put my keys on the silver tray on the antique hall table, and noticed that Ella had changed out the flowers on the side table and on the dining table with fresh ones. I rather thought that Ella was far more proud of the apartment than Ranger was. For Ranger, I wasn't sure if he even noticed that there were flowers there.
I took them on a quick tour, and showed them the kitchen, dining and living rooms. Then I took them into the master suite. Lula particularly liked the king bed with its fluffy duvet. Connie particularly liked the double shower with body sprays, and both people asked me if they could try out their favorite feature. Lula especially was disappointed when I said no.
We walked out to the kitchen and Lula was just as fascinated with the ice and water dispenser as Grandma was. She said, with the ability of the ice dispenser to make ice chips, it would be much more suitable to make margaritas than using the ice cube trays that she had at her apartment. I didn't pick up her hint that she'd like to be invited back to make a margarita sometime.
Lula opened the fridge to take a peek inside. "This is like an episode of Cribs on television", she said. "You always want to see the kind of food that the stars have in their fridge." She inspected the offerings in Ranger's. There were fresh fruits ready for snacking and a fresh vegetable tray ready for lunch. There was a tray of sliced deli meats and cheeses, a container of four-bean salad and a container of potato salad, and in the warming drawer were buns. "Fuckin' A. It's like Ranger has a food fairy that works for him. Does he always eat like this?"
"Pretty much. Ella made chocolate cake for dessert, however, and Ranger doesn't normally have dessert."
"Where's your cupboard?" asked Lula as she shut the fridge door. When I had started to stay regularly at Ranger's apartment, I had moved some of my favorite foods into his space. I suspect it was out of desperation so that he didn't have to look at junk food on his counter, but he designated a cupboard for my use.
I pointed to the upper cupboard next to the fridge. She opened it up to see a half dozen chocolate bars, a jar of peanut butter, another jar of chocolate hazelnut spread, a container of raisins, and a bag of cheez doodles. Her mouth dropped open again. "Ranger allows you to keep junk food in the apartment?"
I laughed. "Even better, he asks Ella to keep it stocked. When I eat a chocolate bar, it is replaced within the day. Same thing for the cheez doodles. I haven't run out of peanut butter or chocolate hazelnut spread yet, but I would assume that the same thing would happen for them. Ella is great and very responsive to my needs."
"Yeah, but that no dessert thing would be hard for me", said Lula.
"Ranger has asked Ella to provide me dessert every night", I said. I didn't bother telling them that it was as a reward for doing fifteen minutes of cardio. They didn't really need to know that, did they? "She makes the best desserts as well."
"Damn. I could use an Ella in my life", said Lula.
"Ella is a wonderful person and definitely makes Ranger's and my lives easier."
"I would never have thought of Ranger as having such a nice place", said Connie. "I should have guessed it from the cars that he drives, shouldn't I?"
"It took me by surprise for the longest time also", I said. "Sometimes it still takes me by surprise."
"I can see why you're with Ranger", said Lula. "This place is much nicer than your apartment, isn't it?"
"Moving in was about much more than simply the advantages that I would have", I said with a bit of bite. "You know that."
"Are you still concerned that he will leave you?" said Lula.
"I'm getting less so each and every day", I said as I sighed. "But the real test will be the three-month mark. Apparently, cross contamination between my peanut butter and the olives causes my partners to go nuts. That was why Morelli and I couldn't make it when living together, and Dickie used to get mad about that at times as well. Three months seems to be all anyone can take."
"Yeah, but that's okay. Ranger doesn't eat peanut butter", said Lula.