I was particularly relaxed after lunch, and I was in a good mood when I arrived at the bonds office. As I floated in, Lula looked at me. "I recognize that smile", she said. "That's the smile of the satiated. We're going to have a good day today." Lula had a theory that I was cranky whenever I didn't get some the night before and, after seeing my track record, she might be right. She refused to go out skip chasing with me if I hadn't had some for a few nights running, and when I was between Morelli and Ranger and was confused as to what I was doing with my life, she had almost hired a male prostitute to fill in the gap. Luckily Ranger stepped up before it got to that, but it came close. "Did you have a good night? Of course, with that big bed in Ranger's apartment, how could you have anything other than a good night?"

I laughed. It was big, but Ranger and I had used every inch of it over the lunch period.

"Did you eat?" I said.

"Yeah. I had a Clucky combo", said Lula.

"Just one?" I said. "No extra fries or extra gravy or extra coleslaw?"

"No. I was out with a honey last night, and he told me that he liked seeing a woman with an appetite. He just didn't like seeing a woman with as large an appetite as I had. I don't know what he was complaining about. We had gone to that barbeque place out near the Barrens, the one that has the bigger portions, and I only ordered two pulled pork sandwiches, a tub of coleslaw and a tub of potato salad. Because the portions were so large, I only had to order two sandwiches. I told him that I liked seeing a man with an appetite and that was a good indication to me that the man would be able to keep up to me in bed, but that he didn't have much of an appetite and I was real disappointed. I don't think I will ever spend time with him again."

"So if you aren't spending time with him again, why are you limiting your lunch?"

"It just got me thinking that it might be better if I didn't eat so much. I know I have to eat in order to maintain my big, beautiful body, but maybe men don't like it. So I thought that I need to shrink my stomach. I just never realized how hard it is to shrink your stomach. There are all sorts of foods that you have to avoid if you want to shrink your stomach. For instance, vegetables. They are bulky and take up a lot of room, and they make you stomach expand, and they make you fart. Have you ever spent time with a vegetarian? They fart a lot, and that's real off-putting when you are having sexy times with your honey. I want to eat dense foods, heavy foods that make you feel full but don't take a lot of volume. So I'm staying away from the sides and having just the breads and the meats. I figure that I'll lose weight this way. As long as I don't lose too much weight, it should be good, shouldn't it?"

"If you lose too much weight, your clothes won't fit."

"If I gain too much more, they won't fit either. I think my clothes are all shrinking. They don't seem to be fitting properly any more. I tried on a pair of non-stretch pants the other day, and the button didn't do up. They fit me a year ago."

"Maybe that was a result of eating too much meat and grains, and not enough fruits and vegetables."

"I told you. Vegetables give you the farts. Besides, they aren't very tasty. Unless you put a pile of butter on them, they are boring to eat. Fruit tastes better than vegetables, especially if you put whipped cream on it. Of course, whipped cream is a dairy product, so that just adds to the overall healthiness." I didn't want to tell her that her theory was wrong. She wouldn't believe me anyway.

She shut down her game of Solitaire and picked up her purse. "Who are we getting first today?"

"I figured we'd go after the bank robber, Darla Drager, first and the house mover, Declan Willis, second", I said. "The house mover is still in school, and I don't want to take him in front of all his friends." Lula nodded. She knew my stance on capturing teens in front of their peers. I believed that it was counterproductive. By your actions, you either impressed their friends with the felon's capture which would encourage the teen to do it again, or you'll ostracize the felon with the knowledge that they had done something wrong. The resulting isolation would cause the felon to become friends with other people that accepted his criminal past. Since most of the people that would accept their criminal past were other felons, neither outcome was preferable.

"Where's Connie?" I said as Lula told Vinnie we were leaving for the afternoon.

"She's out bonding Marissa Wilton. She was picked up for solicitation last night."

"Do you ever miss being a 'ho?"

"No. The work is pretty boring, and it's tough on the knees. Having said that, filing is pretty boring as well and putting all those files away is also tough on the knees. I'm glad that Vinnie is switching to a computer-based system. Connie doesn't have to create the files the same. We just store them on the hard drive. It makes it easier. Vinnie was talking to someone who works for another bonds office, and the other bonds office said that their system was all set up so that they didn't have to create paper files. He said it cut down on storage costs, and that it was easier for the bounty hunter. They were able to take a tablet with them with the file downloaded on it, and they were able to access their file en route like that. Wouldn't that be something? Vinnie said that he'd think about it."

"I'd just be happy if I could access it on my phone. If I had a tablet, I'd be afraid that it would be stolen when my car is stolen."

"I don't know. Your car hasn't been stolen in some time."

"That's true. Miguel sent me an email asking me to have my car stolen or incapacitated today. Apparently this is the day that he selected." Due to the number of times that my car has been stolen, Rangeman had a pool going. The winner who identified the day and time closest to when I reported my car theft won quite a bit of money and the right to steal my car back. This meant that teammates would approach me and ask me to go onto Stark Street on a particular day, knowing that no matter what I did my car would likely be stolen. I'm not sure if the draw of the pool was the ability to win money or the ability to steal my car back. Either benefit seemed to make the staff member very happy. I also didn't know if I should be pleased that I was a source of entertainment to the Rangeman staff, but because it was all done in good fun I didn't truly mind. Besides, when my car was stolen back, the person winning the pool would also wash my car – often to remove the traces of blood and skin that occurred when the Rangeman staff bounced the thief off the bumper. Due to the frequency that my car was stolen, it ensured that I constantly had a clean car.

Rangeman had a similar pool going for car incapacitations. For this, my car had to be shot out, exploded, firebombed or otherwise impaired to the point that I could not drive it. Tires being knifed didn't count, nor did a window being shot out. Even so, I've made several people happy – and richer – over the last few months.

The bonds office and the police department have similar pools. It wouldn't be so bad if it was like a fifty/fifty draw and half the money raised went to me to put towards the purchase of a new car. It didn't seem really fair that all the money went to the winner. However, I once received a two-for-one coupon for Cluck-in-a-Bucket as a thank you for exploding my car when I did, and one of the officers another time bought me a Hot Wheels car as a thank you. Since the car had been black, I had given it to Ranger. He kept it on his desk in his home office.

If my car was incapacitated today, Miguel would be the winner. However, if my car was incapacitated the next day, Tank would be the winner. I didn't like to think further than two days in advance. Lula wanted my car to be stolen and/or incapacitated today. Lula knew Tank well. They had been engaged at one time, a situation that had been engineered by Lula, but the relationship broke up when Tank adopted three stray kittens and discovered that Lula was allergic to cats. Lula made the ultimatum that it was her or the cats, and Tank chose the cats. Lula had been furious. While she had stopped talking about it now, she still was cranky about the situation and had the mad instinct to stun Tank to make him wet his pants, then take a picture of him, every time she saw him. While Tank was the honey that Lula was unable to forget, I think Tank was relieved to have the engagement break up and had been happy with looking after his cats ever since.

We locked up the bonds office and walked out to my car. Two men were leaning against it. "Excuse me", I said. "That's my car."

"Are you Stephanie Plum?" said one of the men. He was the shorter out of the two, a little smaller than me and quite a bit more rotund. He had a comb-over and dark bags under his eyes. He reminded me of someone and I couldn't put it together. I knew it would bother me until I had figured it out.

"I am", I said. "May I help you?"

"Dickie owes us money", said the tall one as he pulled out a gun. He was larger than me but not as big as Ranger. He had red curly hair and pale skin, and he reminded me of Ronald McDonald. I checked to see if his feet were as big. They weren't, and I breathed a sigh of relief. It was bad enough to be approached by anyone, but to be threatened with a gun by Ronald McDonald was just disappointing. I might have had to boycott the restaurant if Ronald McDonald was the culprit, which would be a shame. A Quarter Pounder with Cheese was one of my favorite sandwiches.

"That asshole? He owes me money as well. How much does he owe you?"

"Eight hundred thousand."

"That's a lot of money. Why did you lend that kind of money to him? He doesn't have that kind of money, does he? If he does, he needs to pay me. He owes me about forty thousand. What does he owe you money for?"

"That's between Dickie and my employer. However, he needs to pay up and, if he can't, you need to pay up on his behalf."

"Pay up? I'm barely keeping myself afloat. How can I pay anything, let alone eight hundred thousand? May I remind you of the money Dickie owes me?"

"I don't know. You'll have to figure it out though. If you don't, we'll come after you. You can tell Dickie that as well."

"Where is Dickie? I haven't seen him in years, thankfully, and the last two times I saw him I tried to kill him. There is no love lost between the two of us."

"Just get the money, or your life will be in danger."

I shook my head. "I can't get the money", I said. Ronald McDonald aimed his gun at my car and shot a clip into it.

"You have got to be friggin' kidding me", I said. "Don't I have enough to deal with in my life?"

They turned back to me. "The next time we see you, it will be you that gets the bullet holes", said Ronald McDonald.

The men suddenly stood up straighter and started to back away from us, and I looked behind me in confusion. Lula had her gun out and was looking fierce. I started to back away as well. I knew that look. The last time I saw that look she shot out Ranger's side mirror and hit me in the arm.

The men made it to their car, hurriedly got in and peeled out of the lot. Lula shot her gun at them. Her aim went wide, however, and hit Vinnie's car.

"Oh, oh", said Lula. "This here gun must have wonky sights." She looked at the gun in confusion.

I sighed. "See? This is why I couldn't have a tablet. Knowing my luck, the bullets would hit the tablet and Vinnie would make me pay for the replacement." I pulled out my phone and called the control room. "Hey, Hal", I said as he answered. "I have a little bit of a problem."

"Stolen or incapacitated?"

"Please tell Tank that I'm sorry. Some men came and put a clip into my car. It has a number of bullet holes and is leaking fluids everywhere. In the excitement, Lula shot at the retreating car and hit Vinnie's."

Hal let out a snort. "I'll have some patrol guys bring a car over to you. Do you want to call it in to the police? Vinnie will need the report for his car."

"Yeah, I'll call it in. Thanks."

I could hear Hal smile. "Miguel will be happy. Because you haven't had a car emergency for a while, it has been some time since anyone has won. That means that the pool is just over five hundred dollars."

"How much does it cost to partake in the pool?"

"Ten dollars a guess."

"Wow! At the bonds office, the winner gets a free box of doughnuts."

Hal laughed. "Is that why Lula is gaining weight?"

I chuckled. "I won't mention that."

Hal laughed. "Yeah, she might actually hit you the next time. She has to get lucky once and hit what she had been aiming for, shouldn't she? After all, using the law of averages, she should be lucky soon."

"Something for me to look forward to", I said. "I should probably call it in, shouldn't I?"

I could hear Hal smiling. "I'll let everyone know who won, and will start taking bets as to your next incapacitation."

"Thanks, I think." Hal laughed.

I hung up the phone and called the precinct.

Morelli was the first to arrive. No matter whether we were going out together or not, dispatch called Morelli as soon as I called in or the bonds office called in or Rangeman called in and, if they missed phoning him, Morelli would receive a call from half a dozen residents listening to the police scanner. I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks, and he jogged over to me and gave me a kiss and a hug. He looked over at my car. "Not your best one", he said. "Although it would be hard to top the time you compacted Ranger's Porsche." A garbage truck had fallen on it.

"I thought it was the time that my car, Connie's car, Vinnie's car and Lula's car exploded." My car had been shot out that time as well, but a passing youth had tossed a lit cigarette into the puddle of gas and my car exploded, and set off a chain reaction until all the cars in the parking lot were an inferno.

Morelli smiled as the fire department arrived and started to put down an absorbent for the gasoline and oil leaking from my car. I looked at Lula. "You'd better go tell Vinnie about his car", I said.

"Uh-uh. I'm not telling him", said Lula.

"You shot it, you tell him."

"He'll be angry."

"So you'd rather have him angry at me? That's not fair. You shot his car, therefore you are the person responsible for telling him about it."

Lula's lip stuck out in a pout, but I glared at her until she turned around and entered the bonds office. As she left, Morelli said, "I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks. Do you want to do lunch sometime?"

I smiled. "That would be good. Pino's, tomorrow at noon?"

Morelli smiled. "It's a date." He turned back to the watching the fire department. They were cleaning up and were almost finished. Compared to my normal car emergencies, this one was anticlimactic. "I guess you're driving a Rangeman car now", he said.

"Yes."

"Did you ever find out where they came from?"

I smiled. "The fleet cars are leased at a cut rate in exchange for security services at the local Ford dealership. That's why his fleet is all Fords. Ranger's personal vehicles are in exchange for security services for the Porsche and the Toyota dealerships."

"I always wondered. For a long time, I thought they had been stolen."

"Ranger likes to perpetuate the story as well, so he won't say willingly where the vehicles come from. It's a secret."

Morelli smiled. "I used to think that Ranger's outfit was a little sketchy. But I'm increasingly thinking that he's more honest than I realized."

"I think he will do what it takes to get the job done. If he has to work outside the box, he will. But as much as he bends the rules, I don't think he actually breaks them."

Morelli nodded. "I can see that." He turned to look at the cars and put his hands on his hips. "Walk me through what happened."

I told him about the two men and described them. I told him what they had said, and I told him about Lula shooting Vinnie's car.

"She's a menace with a gun", he said as he shook his head.

"Yes, she is. I'm just glad that she didn't hit me this time."

"There is always something good in everything", said Joe. "How is Ranger's guest?"

"Whiny", I said. "He's already gone through two babysitters. Ranger thinks that he'll swap out babysitters every couple of days to spread out the pain. He said that no staff member should have to be penalized by making them put up with him for more than two days, otherwise they might be killing him themselves. Every day, Ranger has to deal with Dickie on a personal level. I know that Dickie is scared, but he phones Ranger at least four times a day to complain. Ranger is tired of him and says he'll recognize the babysitters' efforts at bonus time."

"Ranger offers a bonus?"

"Ranger's employees are treated well. They earn more than most police officers, have a benefit and a pension plan, and once a year they are entitled to a bonus. I am earning double what I earned in the bonds office in my job with Ranger."

"That's not hard."

I laughed.

"Maybe I'll join Ranger's team", said Morelli.

"You love your job on the TPD."

"True. I heard that you have moved in with Ranger."

"The gossip mill has struck again. Yes, I moved in with him on the weekend."

"Congratulations", he said. His voice sounded sad and his face looked dejected. "I guess marriage and babies are next on the agenda?"

"I don't want babies", I said, "and I don't think Ranger wants to get married again. That suits me fine. I don't want to get married again either. It's been my experience that a perfectly charming man becomes an asshole when you marry them."

"Dickie?"

I nodded and continued to watch the firefighters clean up.

There was a silence for a moment. "I wish you had told me about Dickie abusing you", said Morelli quietly.

I sighed. "There was no point. You couldn't do anything about it."

"And Ranger could?"

"No, but I didn't tell him right off either. He guessed someone had and I confirmed it. I didn't want him to mistakenly think it was you. I didn't know that he'd done anything with that information until a couple of days ago."

"He was furious on your behalf, as am I. I hope that, if anybody ever abuses you in the future again, you'll feel comfortable coming to me for help."

I tiptoed up and kissed him on his cheek. "Thanks, Joe."

I watched the firefighters as they packed up their gear for a moment and I tried to think what I could say to move our conversation past the serious bent that we were on. "If Lula tries to tell you that aliens shot Vinnie's car, don't believe her."

Morelli smiled in the way I hoped he would.